Worst Living Major Author

James Patterson

From the way the Joyce Carol Oates thread is going I'm assuming that her name will pop up.

Roth and King aren't even close to the worst, OP. James Patterson is certainly up there, though it's virtually impossible to know whether it's he or his stable of "sub-authors" who are responsible for the dreck.

Martin Amis. His recent comments, that he would only write a children's book if he were brain damaged, were sickening and show a distinct LACK of imagination.

Ahem!

I once had a boss with a PhD and he gave me a Vince Flynn book to read.

Halfway through I was left wondering how such a genius could enjoy such a shitty book.

Are we talking about authors who are actually respected, or just mainstream authors? If it's just mainstream, I have to go with Nicholas Sparks or Danielle Steel. Their work actually makes me angry.

If we're not talking about "literature", Laurell K. Hamilton.

If we are talking about "literature", Jonathan Franzen.

Rosamund Pilcher...just read *Coming Home* and it was so over sentimentalized. She created a world that simply doesn't exist and her language is hackneyed and clumsy trying to sound Brit upper crust.

Puke-fest.

God, I woke up this morning wanting to start a thread about how awful James Patterson is. Someone gave me "Sail" a few years ago which wasn't too bad but then my sister bought me the two "Witch and Wizard" books for Christmas and they were AWFUL! I don't know why I even finished reading them but I felt obligated. What a hack! No sense of place and lame, contrived situations. The chapters are told in the first person, alternating between the witch and wizard but there's no difference in tone or character- the only way you would know is because of the chapter heading. Did anyone hear the story on him on NPR? Something about him deciding to make the chapters so short and the type large so people would feel like his books were literal "page turners?" So awful. Stephen King is a thousand times better than JP.

Augusten Burroughs.%0D %0D Really, how good can you expect the writing of a high school dropout to be?

Patricia Cornwell. How such a rubbish writer can become a bestseller is beyond me...

R4, he's right

r13 - Ian McEwan.

Define "major".

Terry Goodkind

R6 I'm not sure I can buy your logic since you seem to think that only a "genius" can earn a Ph.D.

Stephenie Meyer. Twilight and it's sequels have to be the worst written books in recent memory. The fact that it's spawned 'Twilight Moms' and Kristen Stewart's career just make it worse.

R10, you are right. James Patterson is the worst. Someone I respected gave me one of his books and I just cringed thro the whole thing. One of his "devices" to describe how a character looks is to compare them all to current active movie stars. I guess that's one way to insure your shitty books get made into movies.

[quote]Twilight and it's sequels have to be the worst written books in recent memory.

Ah, I see we have an editor in the house.

I can't believe no one's said Danielle Steel. I've never even read one of her books but if they're anywhere near as horrid as her movies are, UGH.

Why doesn't anybody think about me anymore?

R21 Danielle Steel has done films? where?

Dan Brown.

Someone recommended "The Pillars of the Earth" to me by Ken Follett, and it was just terrible. Hacnkey, cliched writing and cardboard cutout characters.

Dean Koontz

Robert Hillman Brown

I really liked the Pillars of the Earth. I enjoyed the history.%0D %0D I find Clive Cussler's novels very readable, but they are so formulaic.

[quote]Danielle Steel has done films? where?

They're usually made-for-tv movies that air on Lifetime, R23. I rest my case.

Re: Ken Follett, both Pillars of the Earth and its follow-up Fall of Giants were dreadful. Follett's terrible at writing the huge epic sagas but his regular books are much better. He should stop writing the multi-generational soapy crap and get back to the thrillers.

The only one I bothered to read on this thread was Augusten Burroughs, and I could not believe how bad/childish it was.

without a doubt Ian McEwan is the hack of the world, a close second to Khaled Hosseini.

OP's choices are ridiculous. Roth is a truly great writer. King a terrific genre writer.

Dan Brown is also a good genre writer, the only reason to condemn him is to condemn the kind of worldwide adulation he has inspired for writing merely extremely clever, brainy diversions, an achievement for which I applaud him, but indeed wish the world cared more about different values in authorship (and I would expect he, as an extremely well read and intelligent guy, would agree).

Please, R31. Roth has written the exact same middling book for the past 40 years, and King's histrionic description only plays well with the Kansas and Nebraska set.

Oh yeah, I haven't actually read anything but the first 10 pages of Twilight but there's a really funny self published parody of it on Amazon for 99 cents. It captures that shitty voice really well. I think it's called Midafternoon.

Hi! I write books too!

R31, I agree with you regarding Stephen King and Roth. In the case of King, I think he's quite prolific and has distinctive voice.

Clive Cussler's action parts are entertaining enough, if predictable. But he should really stay away from any kind of romantic parts. 'pasted on' has never been more appropriate. It's like whole book is pure action-adventure and then he decides to get a couple that has shown not any (or much) previous attraction together, in a page or less. Totally redundant.

Ann Rice. She's been grinding out crap for years and I think it was she who originated the trend of vampires as exciting, glamourous, sexually alluring creatures who just happen to kill people by biting into their necks and drinking their blood. If there was no Ann Rice I don't think the ghastly "Twilight" series would have come into existence. That's another reason to hate Rice's guts.

For de gays, it's Darwin Porter (bad research and logic) or Ethan Morrden (unreadable tangentialist).

This is from last year -- it is such a brilliant summation of Roth, I send it to anyone who dares to suggest he deserves any of his Nobel nominations:

[quote]Hot shiksa lesbians really, really want to go to bed with self-absorbed, mopey Jewish guys...especially if these men, like myself, are over 60 and afflicted with flatulence and bristly nose hairs. Not only that, but the shiksas are rarin' to rope their girlfriends in to eagerly participate in threesomes with me. It's a proven fact and stating it makes me a great American novelist. -- by: P. Roth

I definitely agree with you about Roth, OP.

Imagine spending your entire career writing about nothing but porking shiksas.

Ha ha! @ R40

Whoever wrote "the bridges of madison county" is the worst.

It was jaw-droppingly bad.

Come on...none of them are worse than Christopher Rice.

I'm sad that Mailer and Roth are embraced as not only the epitome of Jewish writing in the latter 20th century, but of US writing itself when good fellows like Alfred Kazin get nary a mention in either category.

I rank them:%0D %0D 1. Stephanie Meyers for single-handedly ruining an entire classic genre, with her Twilight series, and then spinning it into movies further blighting the pop cultural landscape. She gave us an entire generation of vile, talentless nobodies, like Kristen Stewart, Rob Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, and the very worst of the bunch, Kellan Lutz. I've never read her books, never seen the movies, yet I know these people. WHY??? %0D %0D 2. Vince Flynn for singlehandedly ruining another genre. He sucks. He is a rank amateur. He cannot even aspire to mediocrity. %0D %0D 3. James Patterson- this schlockmeister turned the crime/mystery thriller into an industry. He's churned out so many books it is frightening. He has an entire staff of writers working for him. He is not an author he is a brand. His shallow, formulaic garbage has polluted the minds of clerks and housewives for a generation, with no end in sight.%0D %0D These are my top three.%0D %0D Patricia Cornwell, the Kellermans, Dannielle Steele, Rosamund Pilcher, Maeve Binchey, Nancy Roberts, and yes, Joyce Carole Oates all get honorable mentions. Joyce actually teaches at universities and passes off as literature the steaming pile of gothic crap she writes.

[quote]I'm sad that Mailer and Roth are embraced as not only the epitome of Jewish writing in the latter 20th century.

Saul Bellow much more so than Mailer, R45.

Bellow is embraced by those who know, R47, and he got his Nobel -- I'm taking about in this new (post-50s) era of odd critical favorites.

Anyway, I thought I'd shill for Kazin. :D

I would add Nicholas Sparks to the R46's list. Most of those people are literary equivalents of Thomas Kinkade.

Saul Bellow can write a terrific sentence!

Very pleased to hear the Ian McEwan hate. He's a festival of cliches.

I'd vote for Jonathan Safran Foer as the most overrated writer of the moment, followed closely by his wife Nicole Kraus. And I think Jhumpa Lahiri is an AWFUL writer, sorry. Flat, dull, pretentiously plain. And she particularly cannot write a novel. Benjamin Kunkel wrote a wretchedly, wretchely bad novel. I don't know why these guys get so much attention from the NYC literary community.

Pat Conroy, especially "The Prince of Tides."

Joyce Carol Oates has held this title for several decades.

Bret Easton Ellis, Tama Janowitz and all their friends who messed up the 80s for most young writers...

I agree that Bret Easton Ellis is a hack but Tama Janowitz had at least one book I enjoyed (The Male Cross Dresser Support Group).

I think Dan Brown is a terrible writer.

Not serious - Dan Brown

"Serious" writer - Dave Eggers

Jonathan Franzen. Silly, overrated, and boring. Do a search for the Slate piece on "Freedom." Very funny, and spot on.

ListenR57 could you please be so kind as to summarise it for us? I am too lazy to read at this point

I love Roth..The Human Stain, American Pastoral, and the Plot Against America are great well written books to me...to each his own, I guess...

but the pulp hacks like Patterson, Kellermans, and all that are just, well, that.

I like to take them on an airplane so I son't have to think...

For airplane authors, I prefer John Sandford. Patterson was so awful that I couldn't stand to read him, even when I was stuck in the airport for hours.

60 replies and no one mentions Tom Bianchi?

You bitches are slipping.

You bitches are slapping! (my ass)

I agree. Dan Brown is terrible. Really terrible. I read the Da Vinci Code and got SO angry at myself for having been sucked into the hype. %0D %0D I never read the sequel, but Follet's Pillars of the Earth wasn't too bad. At least he researched his subject. I have nothing but contempt for someone who proposes to write an historical novel and fails miserably on the research for it. Nothing is more condemning that inauthenticity in that instance.

I highly disagree regarding Joyce Carol Oates. I also like Dean Koontz for a good, scary beach read.

But the Christopher Rice novel I read was pretty bad R44. Something about gay marines on the run for a murder they didn't commit. Lame and not even a good sex scene. His editor actually recommended it on Facebook. I would have been ashamed.

But the James Patterson book I just read was SO BAD. I can't express how awful it was.

How cliche of you, OP.

I've never been able to finish more than a couple of pages of Foer's work.%0D %0D I love Franzen and Bellow.

Sometimes cliches are cliches for a reason, R65/Roth.

Stieg Larsson.

Give us some examples if you can. Excerpts would be appreciated.

Stieg Larsson is dead.

"Really, how good can you expect the writing of a high school dropout to be?"%0D %0D %0D %0D How much formal education do you think Shakespeare had? %0D

Put down the crack pipe, R32. Dan Brown is a terrible, terrible writer.

I liked Everything is Illuminated when I was 19 but everything I've read since, hoo boy. I like Nicole Krauss well enough though

I'm surprised Dan Brown isn't getting more votes.

The Plot Against America is not The Professor of Desire is not The Breast is not Portnoy's Complaint is certainly not The Human Stain.

sorry to all who are trying to make every Roth novel the same, you are simply wrong.

"Everything Is Illuminated" is the kind of book a smart teen would like, R73, so don't beat yourself up over it. My sister liked it when she was in her teens, but has since amended her assessment.

Which one of those doesn't have a horny, self-absorbed male as the most important character, R75?%0D %0D Oh, that's right - they all do.

[quote]The Plot Against America is not The Professor of Desire is not The Breast is not Portnoy's Complaint is certainly not The Human Stain.

And yet all of them (except for the first one) are about superhorny heterosexual Jewish men obsessing and obsessing and obsessing about pussy.

Has no one read Mary Ann in Autumn?%0D %0D Stinko.

james patterson is brilliant, seriously. I love his books and plan on reading all of them. I only wish he would publish 52 books a year so that I would have one for every week.%0D %0D They are great airplane books but even if not on a plane they are highly enjoyable.%0D %0D I also love Sandford, the shopaholic books, Cornwell, Slaughter and numerous others.

80 replies and no one has yet said "JKP"?

Who is JKP?

"james patterson is brilliant, seriously."%0D %0D %0D %0D %0D I think you mean that the people who write James Patterson's books for him are brilliant

Has no one read my book yet?

Snookie, the credit should go to your ghost writer

Franzen's "Freedom" haunts me for being such annoying dreck.

Glenn Beck.

All those timid under-40 New Yorker fiction writers

bump

People who hate women are also people who hate homosexuals.

Queers who degrade and demean women are self-loathing homosexuals.

If you hate women, you hate yourself.

Stop the DL violence against women.

Stop using the c-word on DL.

So, who is JKP?

Dan Brown.

Kean Koontz

I'm sure Tamara Janowitz is happy to be forgotten, rather than major. If she were still in the game, she'd own this thread.

whoops, I meant Tama Janowitz.

Hell, I even forgot her name.

Toni Morrison.

Can we list Julie Powell for being a horrible person? As annoying and self-centered as she comes across in "Julie and Julia", her second book, "Cleaving", made me want to punch her in the face. %0D %0D It was really hard to turn the pages with my hands clenched into fists the entire time.

Philip Roth%0D James Patterson%0D Danielle Steel%0D Kathryn Stockett - "The Help" could have been editted down by a good 75%. As much as I liked the idea of the book it became ridiculous after a while. I hope the movie eliminates the repetitive bullshit.

"Julie and Julia" just sucked--couldn't finish it. Can't imagine reading anything else that woman wrote.

It's that Foer asshole. No contest.

Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins beat all these for their baleful influence on the public in the "Left Behind" series.%0D %0D Not JKP, JK Rowling was the target of that suggestion. She's horrible for being a billionaire but not for her writing, which is okay, but not great.%0D %0D Frank McCourt is a dreary windbag, as well.%0D

R100, you'll be pleased to hear that Jonathan Safran Foer's brother Joshua just released a book called "Moonwalking with Einstein."

henning menkel

James Patterson, Inc. He still writes the Alex Cross books, but the rest are outlined by him, then shipped off to other writers who have to follow his formula--short chapters, brief pop cultural related descriptions, gruesome violence, and some sentimentality.

The worst book I ever read was "Rage of Angels" by Sidney Sheldon. Surely, he deserves a mention in this thread.

r101, you mean Rowling is horrible considering she made millions of her books or that her books ore so-so, but she's a horrible person? If so, do share!

"Freedom" is over-written, fraudulent horseshit that never comes close to the brilliance that was "The Corrections".

Reminds me of everything Tom Wolfe has done since "Bonfire Of The Vanities". As little as there's been.

Oh, good. Another untalented Foer to despise!

Pat Conroy.

Thread closed.

Nora Roberts. And I've heard she's a bitch. Though it was a bitch who told me she's a bitch.

Conroy was mentioned @ R51 a month ago, R109. The thread remained open.

x

James Patterson is less an author than owner of a temp service.

OP is cray cray.

E. L. James has dethroned Patterson as the weakest writer on a sentence-by-sentence level. Stephanie Meyer is a close third. Calling them writers is like calling Burger King a restaurant.

The worst is the author of REPLY 115 for resurrecting a ZOMBIE THREAD.

Thank you, R115, I didn't see this thread when it was alive and it would have been a fucking shame to have it die without that fucking moron included in it.

E.L. James - THREAD CLOSED

Nora Roberts is a real bitch.

When my boyfriend went to visit his family I felt so lonely that I decided to read something that would distract me. I bought a copy of "The Da Vinci Code" and finished it in two days. While it did distract me, after finishing it and closing the cover all I could think was - what a piece of shit!

Stephen King's 'Pet Cemetery" was so terrifying to me when I was in High School, that I swore-off all his books for life.

Donald Trump and Bill O'Reilly.

Toni Morrison.

What's wrong with Jonathan Kellerman's books?

Stephenie Meyer and E.L. James owns this thread.

I nominate the OP of this thread.

xxxx

How come this 4-year-old thread can get bumped while other, far more recent threads are closed?

I tried to get through King's book about someone going back in time to prevent the Kennedy assassination after having people recommend it to me. It was horribly written. Cliche characters, ridiculous contrivances, sappy sentiments. King long ago lost any creative spark he might have had and seems to now write by committee.

Write a paragraph or two on this web page and see who you write like!

Warning, many of the authors on this thread come up as answers....

R104 writes like H. P. Lovecraft

Sadly, r63 writes like Dan Brown

Not a fan of Safran Foer.

That bitch who wrote 50 Shades

[quote]Joyce actually teaches at universities and passes off as literature the steaming pile of gothic crap she writes.

Gothic crap? Now you made me think of a gargoyle taking a shit.

Not sure that he's a "major author" but Ekhart Tolle. Repetitive text which I understand is because the book is more like a course. But still, an awful writer.

DeLillo

R121 Trump didn't write his books. He can't write, except for one paragraph that Ivanka has to proof and correct, such as his ridiculous Tweets. Tony Schwartz wrote Trump's books. Trump authored nothing.

NOT MAJOR but fuck it: Lark Voorhies

the reviews alone are........oh dear.....see for your self.

Michael Cunningham

R3 is quite right. Modern day Shakespearean authorship!

I nominate John Grisham.... Believe he's still sucking the air.

Dan Brown

Bill Clinton

I will always love Stephen King.

Although he's no longer living as of this month, I nominate Philip Roth based on my recent reading of American Pastoral which is cited as one of his finest novels. I stuck with it to the end hoping that it would get less tiresome, but the final dinner party scene was the height of tedium in an already unrelenting slog-fest.

Jonathan Franzen. I finally got around to reading one of his books and couldn't stop laughing at how bad it was. It was like the emperor's new clothes.

Maybe some of the King fan can explain this quirk of his to me. I read several of his books and stories years ago and he seems to have a thing about women punishing their wives by “paddling” (his word) them. Not as a pleasurable kink, but a real punishment. I always thought that was...weird. Like the wives are treated as children - very creepy.

He also seems weirdly focused on women peeing.

In The Stand, a character thinks to himself that religion is as necessary to old ladies as Lipton tea bags and enemas. Wtf? Enemas?! The tea bags I can see but I never particularly associated enemas with old ladies.

The paddling thing comes up again in The Stand, when a guy threatens a half nude girl he just fucked to “paddle” her with the spatula she just threw at him. I can’t decide if it’s King’s sexual kink or the men in his stories don’t just punch women, as they do in real life.

Sorry, MEN punishing their wives (above). He doesn’t write about the lezzes.

And what happened to Larry McMurtry?

Elena Ferrante

I never noticed paddling in King's books. But sexual abuse is a running theme especially abuse of young boys. In his latest book a boy is tortured,partially eaten, and raped with a tree branch. WTF Stephen?