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I Want To Be Underwhelmed, pt. 307,904

Please, share the excruciating minutiae of your lives.

I'll start: I'm pretty sure my toilet seat is haunted. The things that hold the lid to the seat keep popping up on their own.

by Anonymousreply 600June 9, 2018 4:43 PM

I took a nap and dreamed my mother had 42 cats. I yelled at her about it and vomited up my heart and one of her cats ate it. Earlier today I mowed my yard before it started raining.

by Anonymousreply 1September 17, 2017 4:44 AM

Today I had to buy my boss his lunch, stupid guy invited me to lunch and his credit card got denied...

so underwhelmed...

by Anonymousreply 2September 17, 2017 4:48 AM

I'm eating yogurt with a fork because I'm too lazy to do the dishes so I'd have a clean spoon.

by Anonymousreply 3September 18, 2017 11:08 PM

I worry I'm so in credit-card debt I'll lose my house.

by Anonymousreply 4September 18, 2017 11:35 PM

I am doing laundry.

by Anonymousreply 5September 18, 2017 11:51 PM

I have a stomach ache

by Anonymousreply 6September 19, 2017 12:03 AM

Watching football and nursing a burgeoning sinus infection

by Anonymousreply 7September 19, 2017 12:38 AM

I rearranged the furniture and art in my "loft" garage and now everything looks great, but I don't have a place to eat meals. My dining set is now a hall table and I had to put my bowflex in the kitchen area so I'd use it.

My bathroom setup was awesome - if you were willing to poop sitting sideways.

by Anonymousreply 8September 19, 2017 12:50 AM

r8, is your toilet a fire hydrant?

by Anonymousreply 9September 19, 2017 12:54 AM

Unfortunately, no, R9.

by Anonymousreply 10September 19, 2017 12:58 AM

I clipped my toenails last night.

by Anonymousreply 11September 19, 2017 5:02 AM

I miss my DL Strapping Guy beau hunk. Where he at?

Too much fastfood has my bony ass ballooning like an orange fuhrer fucktard.

by Anonymousreply 12September 19, 2017 5:57 AM

I just felt something crawling on my shoulder and brushed it off freaked out before I realized it was a Lady Bug. Did I ruin the good luck?

by Anonymousreply 13September 22, 2017 5:11 PM

I met at least 3 different "total top" on a gay dating site" I exchanged pics with these 3 guys . and all 3 of them were very eager to hook up with me tonight.But as soon as I told them that I am a versatile bottom , they disappeared within a sec without a trace . Why the hell a total top" would pissed off by a versatile bottom ?

Now I have changed my profile and have explicitly mentioned "versatile bottom" in sexual position so that some fake total tops will not waste my time .

by Anonymousreply 14September 22, 2017 5:23 PM

I'm eating a 7/8 ounce size bag of Cheetos for lunch.

by Anonymousreply 15September 22, 2017 5:35 PM

[quote]pt. 307,904

I find that whelming OP.

by Anonymousreply 16September 22, 2017 5:38 PM

There's a little plastic sprocket on my office printer that keeps breaking because this is a government operation and we always order cheap shit. So I'm debating cutting out our tedious Supply Department process and making a quick spec drawing and have the machine shop make me a bunch of new ones out of aluminum or better plastic, or buying one myself from Office Depot.

If the frau in Logistics makes me write a work order for the sprockets and I end up having to buy a printer out of my own pocket, so help me I'm taking it with me when I retire next year.

by Anonymousreply 17September 22, 2017 5:53 PM

Couldn't you just shoot up the place r17?

by Anonymousreply 18September 22, 2017 6:09 PM

I just took a 3ft dump and the log was very gray. Am I dying?

by Anonymousreply 19September 23, 2017 7:13 AM

I continued to ignore the Jeremy Renner threads; I was mildly interested, but could not have kept up with how quickly they progressed. Today I decided to read one. Holy shit, could not understand what was happening. Talk of older threads being shut down because of his personal info being shared, talk o father him being gay, talk of him being involved with a (female?) fan/stalker, etc. The posters were using words and language that seemed to belong to them and them alone.

If there's anyone out there in the know who can explain what's going on with Renner, please do. (Or perhaps my interpretation of it above is somewhat accurate...)

by Anonymousreply 20September 23, 2017 10:05 AM

I've just been woken up by my neighbour mowing the lawn. I'll get out of bed in a minute, and have leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm a bit ashamed about that. Later, I'm going to go to the farmer's market to buy some leeks.

by Anonymousreply 21September 23, 2017 10:14 AM

This is a military base, R17. Guns are forbidden. Well, except at the base Post Office.

by Anonymousreply 22September 23, 2017 12:44 PM

I am grading the third set of four sets of papers. Meanwhile, I just picked up three sets of new papers yesterday.

There is a math question somewhere in there.

by Anonymousreply 23September 23, 2017 12:51 PM

I bought a couple of resin Adirondack chairs on sale at a hardware store. They're the most comfortable chairs I've ever owned.

by Anonymousreply 24September 23, 2017 1:02 PM

r20, re-read the directions.

by Anonymousreply 25September 24, 2017 2:19 AM

Both my wisdom teeth on my lower jaw are starting to emerge from below the gumline. I'm 38 years old. My jaw hurts, the inside of my cheeks are sore like I just blew up a balloon and my ears feel funny. It feels like my lower jaw is being subtly stretched and it has a dull ache. I looked in the mirror and opened my mouth and looked with a flashlight and holy shit i'm slowly getting two new back molars.

The wisdom tooth on my left upper side grew in perfectly straight when I was 33 years old. Now i'm getting two more teeth at 38 years old. I feel like a cranky teething baby.

by Anonymousreply 26September 24, 2017 2:37 AM

R21 I bought leeks at the farmers market today.

by Anonymousreply 27September 24, 2017 2:50 AM

I hate this psycho cunt at my work - she's an absolute unstable butch. Nasty too. The shit I've had to put up with from her .... I haven't retaliated but want to so badly

by Anonymousreply 28September 24, 2017 3:08 AM

When my boyfriend and I were shaving each other in the shower this morning, I told him I hated his chicken salad and wanted something else for lunch instead. He got made at me. I ate an orange instead.

by Anonymousreply 29September 24, 2017 3:10 AM

The highlight of my day was learning that my cheap blender had no problem with an apple for a smoothie I was making.

by Anonymousreply 30September 24, 2017 3:13 AM

My cat is pregnant again.

The fat, greedy whore!

by Anonymousreply 31September 24, 2017 3:15 AM

R26 Take them out, toots. If they're already impacted they can be easy to yank. Plus you'll have rainy day pain pills that will last for a year or more!

by Anonymousreply 32September 24, 2017 3:16 AM

I had a dream that I impregnated Kathy Bates. I was horrified about going broke to pay child support.

Yes, I'm a gay male.

by Anonymousreply 33September 24, 2017 3:18 AM

Panera tomato soup is pretty good, if you add a lot of salt.

I found this out today.

by Anonymousreply 34September 24, 2017 3:25 AM

I have a bad mailman who only reads the house number but not the name of the streets so he regularly delivers mail to the wrong house. Today the woman at the wrong house revealed herself as she personally showed up with my mis delivered mailed. She thought it would be important as it appeared to be a paycheck. I didn't have the heart to tell her about this thing called direct deposit.

by Anonymousreply 35September 24, 2017 3:33 AM

I'm getting ready for bed; mass is tomorrow at 8:00am. I'll watch some gay porn to relax.

by Anonymousreply 36September 24, 2017 3:33 AM

You'd fit right in, R36.

by Anonymousreply 37September 24, 2017 11:42 AM

I farted in an elevator today.

by Anonymousreply 38September 25, 2017 3:30 AM

I had to buy a new phone today. I spent the afternoon fiddling with the settings.

by Anonymousreply 39September 25, 2017 3:44 AM

I didn't fold the laundry today.

by Anonymousreply 40September 25, 2017 6:46 AM

I got up at noon and made coffee. Then I took a nap. The cat napped next to me. That was the whole day until dinner.

by Anonymousreply 41September 25, 2017 6:54 AM

I stood on my phone yesterday, and it's probably beyond repair. I'm really pissed off about it. I need to get a new one today.

by Anonymousreply 42September 25, 2017 9:20 AM

The sun is down. Earlier it was up.

by Anonymousreply 43September 26, 2017 4:42 AM

Cheese.

by Anonymousreply 44September 26, 2017 4:43 AM

One of my dogs is chewing her foot vigorously with her ass pressed against my arm.

by Anonymousreply 45September 26, 2017 5:19 AM

I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

by Anonymousreply 46September 26, 2017 7:16 AM

A fly came in through the window.

by Anonymousreply 47September 26, 2017 7:18 AM

My new, very expensive (for me) engineered underwear systems are line drying. It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

It's phase I of new stuff: "I'll treat it with care and follow the wash instructions". By next year, I'll be throwing them in the dryer with socks and washcloths.

by Anonymousreply 48September 26, 2017 1:32 PM

[quote]It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

Dear god, how wet are you?

by Anonymousreply 49September 26, 2017 1:54 PM

It's the season of the witch..Halloween. Can't wait for the horror flicks to start playing non-stop.

Also waiting for my first glass of eggnog. Is it too soon?

Mmm. Tangerines. Let Octoberfest begin.

by Anonymousreply 50September 26, 2017 2:07 PM

wtf is an engineered underwear system?

by Anonymousreply 51September 26, 2017 2:24 PM

I'm on the subway late for work, feeling dead inside thinking about the dysfunctional shitshow that awaits. Perhaps this should be posted elsewhere if it is too "whelming"...

by Anonymousreply 52September 26, 2017 2:53 PM

I feel your pain r52

Just think it will only be a few hours and you'll join us on Datalounge

by Anonymousreply 53September 26, 2017 2:58 PM

I'm taking my GMC pickup to be smogged today so I can renew the registration.

And who says I don't have a life?

by Anonymousreply 54September 26, 2017 6:52 PM

I have to pee.

by Anonymousreply 55September 26, 2017 7:01 PM

I successfully walked to work today using an immobilizer brace and a crutch, result of ACL reconstruction surgery.

by Anonymousreply 56September 26, 2017 7:07 PM

Yesterday was horrific, so this morning I treated myself to a bowel of Edy's Texas Pecan Pie ice cream

by Anonymousreply 57September 26, 2017 7:11 PM

A whole bowel, R57? Wasn't it cold going in?

by Anonymousreply 58September 26, 2017 7:15 PM

I'm sitting here reading DL and drinking a Powerade when I should be outside doing yard-work.

by Anonymousreply 59September 26, 2017 7:19 PM

R57 Woops, bowl!

by Anonymousreply 60September 26, 2017 7:39 PM

Marry me, R58!

by Anonymousreply 61September 26, 2017 7:52 PM

I still miss Mary Tyler Moore and cannot believe she's dead.

by Anonymousreply 62September 26, 2017 8:11 PM

[quote] I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

talk about a shitstorm

by Anonymousreply 63September 26, 2017 8:12 PM

It could have been. The BF was medically in need of the procedure and roommate was going about it all wrong. He had hung the bag as high as it would go and the BF was in agony with cramping. I unknowingly walked in on this little drama. Having had training as a Navy Hospital Corpsman, I told roommate to get out of the way and I did the procedure myself. Twice. Really great way to meet your roomie's new BF.

by Anonymousreply 64September 27, 2017 12:53 AM

[quote]wtf is an engineered underwear system?

It's underwear, but they throw so much babble into the description that it becomes an engineered underwear system.

They're trunks with anti-microbiology or something technology and mesh,cotton and lycra and they probably lift your ass while creating a nice free-swing basket for your junk. Plus, they accommodate your thighs while avoiding that whole jock strap waistband that is so annoying. Plus, they don't have a maker name plastered all over them.

You have to hand-wash/drip dry or they lose their magic properties.

by Anonymousreply 65September 27, 2017 1:58 AM

They accommodate your thighs? But not like a jockstrap?

What does that mean?

by Anonymousreply 66September 27, 2017 2:15 AM

2 more weeks until I pay off my mortgage.

by Anonymousreply 67September 27, 2017 2:24 AM

The other day, I rearranged some furniture. Today I moved everything back.

(I don't understand the Jeremy Renner threads, either, R20. I gave it a go one day and tried googling to understand who, what, and why anyone gives a shit. Nothing. I block them and the Tommy and Gio threads and others that are multi-part inside-joke threads by obsessed stans and haters that begin with something like "part 8--continue bitching" or "part 10--you know what to do.")

by Anonymousreply 68September 27, 2017 3:25 AM

My cat meowed.

by Anonymousreply 69September 27, 2017 6:40 AM

Off today! Suffering from "While I'm at it, might as well…"

I've sanded down my very dead dad's expandable scaffolding plank and I'm going to use it as a wall shelf. I have to drill into a cinder block wall to bolt in the ledge it will rest on. While I'm at it, I should drill in two (three? Four?) holes for picture frame hooks. I have some old Indian portraits that could go up there, but they are too small and too matchy. Plus, I'm trying to stick with oil paintings this season.

R66, I'm not going to advertise underwear brands, but newer trunks feature stretchier leg openings of flatter material instead of the thicker tape.

by Anonymousreply 70September 27, 2017 1:08 PM

I dreamt that they people that bought my old place had moved it right into the main street.

And they had turned into Trent and Jane Lane.

I'm waiting for a phone number port from my old telco-it's taking forever. And all the support is off-shored.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 71September 27, 2017 1:25 PM

I'm back. I have a new survival policy: I only post anon or with joke names; I don't block people (just scroll by, and don't engage the loons) but I do block annoying threads. So far, so good.

I ate fries for lunch.

by Anonymousreply 72September 27, 2017 1:36 PM

R68, I followed the Renner threads, and I still mostly don't know what they're talking about (a fangirl won a contest of some sort?). I also might or might not have seen a certain video that might or might not have existed on another unnamed site for a very short time before it, and its entire thread, was deleted.

by Anonymousreply 73September 27, 2017 2:14 PM

I saw that too, R73. The contest is an app thing. They're pissed because they had to tell a sob story to win but the winner was the one who spent the most money buying app credits, who also happens to be the main bully on the app blah blah. It'll suck you in, and before you know it your whole life is about coming on DL to find the threads they haven't deleted. I haven't been out of the house in three days.

by Anonymousreply 74September 27, 2017 4:14 PM

The top of my right foot, about 4 inches below my big toe, feels like it is being burned with acid or something. It's horrible. I wonder if it has anything to do with Cipro I was given for a UTI.

by Anonymousreply 75September 28, 2017 5:35 PM

I used to like the threads on DL that would pop up every so often where you could get a synopsis of some long-running threads. In addition to not being able to keep up with the Renner threads, I haven't kept up with the Aaron Rodgers stuff, or the dead/missing wife of the hot pastor.

by Anonymousreply 76September 28, 2017 8:57 PM

Damn, I ff'd myself again. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes when I decide to block a thread I accidentally ff the poster. But I don't know how I ff myself.

by Anonymousreply 77September 28, 2017 9:14 PM

I just found out my SNAP benefits have been reduced to $102 from $139. I'm on SSI and receive $735 a month. Apparently the government thinks I'm rich, though I suspect it's really just a plot to kill off the poor.

by Anonymousreply 78September 29, 2017 1:10 AM

Excuse me, we need tax cuts, R78. Stop being selfish

by Anonymousreply 79September 29, 2017 1:35 AM

Bravo Zulu, R64.

I hope I never have to do that.

by Anonymousreply 80October 3, 2017 12:17 AM

Thank you, R80. When I saw what was going on, I couldn't let the poor guy suffer. It was no big deal to me, but when you're on the business end of something like and you're not feeling well in the first place, it helps if you have someone help you who knows what he's doing. The weird thing is, he still can't seem to look me in the eye. To me, the procedure was as rote as changing a tire or something.

by Anonymousreply 81October 3, 2017 4:49 AM

Any discussion of suffering does not belong in an underwhelming thread.

by Anonymousreply 82October 3, 2017 4:50 PM

Why does Richard Harris sing about " a stripe-ed pair of pants" in "MacArthur Park"? As if the song wasn't already weird enough. I've never heard "striped" pronounced that way anywhere else. And why does he add an "S" ("MacArthur's Park") when that's not the title?

by Anonymousreply 83October 18, 2017 6:23 PM

That's what you got from MacArthur Park? Not the fact that Harris calls it "MacArthur's Park" through the whole song? Or the rivers flowing through the sky? Or his magnificently ridiculous sideburns?

by Anonymousreply 84October 18, 2017 6:46 PM

Here's Jimmy Webb et al performing MacArthur Park on Letterman

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 85October 18, 2017 6:47 PM

I’m starting to tuck those little cotton pads against my anus before I put on my underwear. Is this how a prolapsed anus starts or is a little bit of moisture down there normal?

by Anonymousreply 86October 18, 2017 7:16 PM

No idea, R86.

by Anonymousreply 87October 18, 2017 7:18 PM

My orchid is blooming. I think I will get maybe 13 blooms this year.

by Anonymousreply 88October 18, 2017 7:35 PM

[quote]My orchid is blooming.

There's a Blanche Devereux euphamism if I've ever heard one.

by Anonymousreply 89October 18, 2017 7:37 PM

Back in the day there was no way of finding out the lyrics of a song on 45rpm, so there were lots of misheard words

In MacArthur Park, I thought some lines were "Spring was never waiting for us girls, it ran one step ahead as we frolicked in the grass" and "old men slaying chickens by the trees."

by Anonymousreply 90October 18, 2017 7:37 PM

Today Jeff Sessions acted as if he is the victim of dementia...hard times, working for a "fucking moron."

by Anonymousreply 91October 18, 2017 7:38 PM

I bought new laces for all my shoes. When I get home tonight, I'm going to change them all out and polish the shoes.

by Anonymousreply 92October 18, 2017 7:41 PM

The best thing that happened all day is that when I woke up I remembered this wasn't a shave day ( I shave 3 times a week or as needed and hate shaving).

by Anonymousreply 93October 18, 2017 7:53 PM

While I was in line to get the new license plate sticker for my pickup, the guy standing in front of me had the nicest, roundest ass I think I've ever seen. I wanted to just reach out and grab it, but of course I didn't, because they don't like you doing that kind of shit at the DMV.

by Anonymousreply 94October 18, 2017 9:46 PM

Did someone say Jeremy Renner?!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 95October 18, 2017 9:49 PM

I went back on keto and I've been in bed all day with a terrible migraine-level headache.

by Anonymousreply 96October 18, 2017 10:20 PM

I put a cat collar with a bell on my kitty.

by Anonymousreply 97October 19, 2017 9:15 AM

Not exactly underwhelming, but I didn't know where else to put it: Great Britain's entry for Father of the Year 2017

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 98October 19, 2017 11:22 PM

Put up orange Halloween lights on my porch (big Halloween neighborhood here). When it got dark I went out and turned them on. Noticed something lit up orange on a low branch of my pear tree, which is about 7 ft from my house. Thought it was some kind of optical illusion,so I walked to tree and there was a tiny owl looking down at me. It let me try to take photos, but it was too dark for me to properly focus on the correct branch.

I wonder how many times that little owl has been there and I hadn't noticed?

I feed birds on the ground (especially rogue guinea fowl and a. neighbor's bossy free range chicken). Probably mice come out at night to eat the leftovers and that's what the little feller was waiting for. Probably an eastern screech owl.

by Anonymousreply 99October 20, 2017 1:00 AM

R99 — I LOVE little owls! You're very lucky to have seen one.

by Anonymousreply 100October 20, 2017 4:30 AM

The hot DILF in the neighborhood who did all of his yard work shirtless just moved out. A doughy middle-aged couple appears to be moving in. Damn.

by Anonymousreply 101October 20, 2017 9:40 AM

I saw a bit of the 90s Casper film (which, in retrospect, was pretty dark for a kids' film) on TV today and I found myself craving Ribena, which I haven't drunk since I was a kid. Then I remembered that, when the film was released, Ribena ran a competition to win Casper merchandise, so he was pictured on the cartons. It just goes to show the power of advertising that I still made the associated all these years later.

by Anonymousreply 102October 26, 2017 8:04 PM

There’s a gnat or fruit fly or something in my office, I feel it ever so lightly light into my hair, or the back or my hand, or my ear, but the little fucker flies away before I can get it. I look like I’m shooing the thin air like a schizophrenic.

by Anonymousreply 103October 26, 2017 8:46 PM

I love me some Casper. But I never saw the movie. I just watched the cartoon as a kid so hearing the theme makes me feel like I'm 10 again.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 104October 27, 2017 10:32 AM

This tweet confirms what I had suspected for a long time: the creator of Mrs Betty Bowers is a DataLounger.

[quote] Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO: "Now, Officer, if you look in the basement, I'm going to be REALLY cross!"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 105November 4, 2017 6:36 PM

I went surfing today. I'm not usually one to go surfing when it isn't toasty warm, even though I have a great cold weather wet suit, but the waves were pretty good and the air temp was pretty warm.

by Anonymousreply 106November 4, 2017 9:29 PM

It's the other way around, R105. Betty started the "Mrs Patsy Ramsey of Boulder Colorado" jokes and Datalounge picked them up from her.

by Anonymousreply 107November 4, 2017 10:03 PM

I have heartburn, but I can’t stop eating this chili.

by Anonymousreply 108November 4, 2017 10:14 PM

Pop a Pepcid

by Anonymousreply 109November 4, 2017 10:32 PM

I have heartburn today, too. I took a Prilosec and a Pepcid and it seems better.

by Anonymousreply 110November 4, 2017 11:13 PM

Today I bought a pound of See's assorted dark chocolates and hid them in the tool drawer in the garage so my partner won't find them. If he did, he'd eat them all. I'll sneak one or two a day when he's not looking. Actually, See's Candy tastes way better when you have to sneak it.

by Anonymousreply 111November 4, 2017 11:45 PM

I've just finished watching the last 15 minutes of "SITC2."

by Anonymousreply 112November 5, 2017 1:01 AM

I'm going to New Zealand soon but can't seem to get motivated to pack today. I mean, I just read this whole thread.

by Anonymousreply 113November 5, 2017 1:58 AM

Also, R71, when the infamous 'I just had sex with Jani Lane' thread started here, I didn't know who he was and thought someone was being stupid about Jane Lane ... so I didn't read it till after Jani Lane had died.

by Anonymousreply 114November 5, 2017 2:01 AM

I just spent 350 dollars on the Clarisonic Smart Profile Uplift System

It better do its job and uplift my profile

by Anonymousreply 115November 5, 2017 2:19 AM

I defrosted some leftover chili from Halloween tonight. It was good. I put Texas Pete, shredded cheddar, and sour cream on it. I also added some Fritos scoops. We only buy those at Holidays.

by Anonymousreply 116November 5, 2017 2:31 AM

I couldn’t see Thor 3 last night because I was 17 minutes late.. The theater’s cutoff is 10 minutes. God forbid you should miss the previews.

by Anonymousreply 117November 5, 2017 3:10 AM

Enrenmann's singly wrapped crumb cakes taste so much better than the big crumb cake

by Anonymousreply 118November 5, 2017 2:37 PM

Ah, R107, that possibility never occurred to me.

by Anonymousreply 119November 5, 2017 3:26 PM

I'm going to pour myself a nice hot mug of coffee and go cradle the fuck out of it.

by Anonymousreply 120November 5, 2017 4:33 PM

For a minute there, I forgot The Alamo.

by Anonymousreply 121November 5, 2017 4:35 PM

By boyfriend cut a board wrong so now I have to buy another piece of wood.

by Anonymousreply 122November 5, 2017 4:37 PM

They're shooting deer in the field across the street. I've had a really pretty deer in my yard recently eating berries. I hope she gets away. I don't like deer eating my flowers but I don't want them to get the death penalty for it.

by Anonymousreply 123November 5, 2017 5:29 PM

I have a bunch of towels that need to be folded. I really don't want to do it.

by Anonymousreply 124November 5, 2017 5:35 PM

Humidifiers blast cold, watery air. I wish they weren't necessary.

I am astonished, however, at how I instantly feel better as soon as I turn them on.

I have to go to Walmart and stare at filters hoping I pick the right size.

by Anonymousreply 125November 5, 2017 8:50 PM

R118 And Slater's pins have no points—don't you always find that?” said Miss Craye, turning.

by Anonymousreply 126November 5, 2017 9:30 PM

We were going to do yard work this weekend but had a really early snow so we just lazed around reading all weekend. Tonight I made pork chops and polenta with the chanterelle mushrooms our neighbor brought us and the cat presented us with his latest kill: a huge fat mouse who I think is the one I see in the kitchen sometimes at night. He's been getting into the cat food so I think this one was personal for "Mr Whiskers."

by Anonymousreply 127November 6, 2017 4:51 AM

I ate too much.

by Anonymousreply 128November 6, 2017 4:59 AM

When I make 7-layer dip I use canned chili instead of beans. It's much better.

by Anonymousreply 129November 7, 2017 12:32 AM

I eat too much too. It's obviously sublimation for the fact that I haven't a man in my bed for over a year!!

by Anonymousreply 130November 7, 2017 12:36 AM

This priest is totally gay!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 131November 7, 2017 3:33 AM

I just googled a couple of long-ago exes and found out they are both still alive. With both of these guys, it's not a given, for different reasons.

by Anonymousreply 132November 9, 2017 12:58 AM

The Hulu app on my tv always malfunctions right after finishing an episode. It gives me an "error connecting" message when I know darn well the tv has no connectivity issues, it's just the app being glitchy. So annoying,

by Anonymousreply 133November 9, 2017 1:13 AM

I just had some pumpkin cheesecake

Ehh I wasn't impressed

by Anonymousreply 134November 9, 2017 1:37 AM

The brownies from Dominos are pretty good.

by Anonymousreply 135November 9, 2017 3:12 AM

My quietest cat woke me at 4:30 AM meowing like crazy. I went looking for her. When I couldn't find her, I decided to go back to bed. There she was at the top of the stairs with a mouse in her mouth. I was so startled I gasped and said "Oh my god!" which woke my husband, who thought we were being robbed or something. He jumped out of bed, the cat ran and we had to go under all the beds looking for her. (I sleep in a separate bedroom because I snore). She ran out from under a bed, leaving her mouse behind. Great fun getting the dead mouse from under the bed, but at least it was dead. A live mouse would have been so much worse.

by Anonymousreply 136November 9, 2017 2:47 PM

My belly looks full but I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

by Anonymousreply 137November 9, 2017 4:28 PM

[quote] I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

This particular juxtaposition disturbs my underwhelm-ment.

by Anonymousreply 138November 9, 2017 4:33 PM

My husband's cat does this hilarious trick where the laser pointer spot whips him into such a frenzy he literally runs on the wall, Matrix-style to catch it. So I decided to make a YouTube video of him and...zippideedoodah. Nothing. He just looked at the red dot with this polite, "oh, that's nice" expression and is now gazing out the window at the squirrels on the bird feeder. Fucking cats. They're all sons of bitches.

by Anonymousreply 139November 9, 2017 6:30 PM

Cats will never do the entertaining behavior you want them to do, when a camera is on them. They'll do it endlessly on their own, but once you want them to do it, they just stare at you.

by Anonymousreply 140November 9, 2017 6:52 PM

[quote] they just stare at you.

It's the evil grin that gets to me.

by Anonymousreply 141November 9, 2017 6:55 PM

R101 I condole you.

The hot, balding, bearded straight married guy across the street - the one who has on a few occasions, early in the morning, beat off in his living room watching porn - has sadly moved out.

He looked a bit doughy on the street, but damn, he had an enormous cock. I'll miss seeing that Leaning Tower of Pisa blast off.

by Anonymousreply 142November 9, 2017 7:00 PM

One of my cats meows when I tell him to, but I have to give him an exaggerated wink and move my head a little, otherwise he won't do it. He is the only cat I've ever owned who does a "trick." (Not that kind)

by Anonymousreply 143November 9, 2017 8:02 PM

Last night I dreamed that my former teacher was famous. My former teacher was Jon Stewart. It was cold and rainy outside, so i popped into a deli in East Hampton. Stewart was there and asked me if I would attend a talent show where his nephew would sing. Of course! I said. He told me the talent show was to raise money for his nephew's school, and he wanted me to get all of my friends to attend, because he wanted a full audience. Sure, I said. I started calling people and asking them to buy a ticket. Everyone said no. I asked if they would attend if I bought a ticket for them and about half said, "OK." Shit, now I had to pay thousands of dollars for tickets and I didn't know how many people would actually show up. I was going to look bad in front of my former-teacher-and-now famous-person because it was going to look like I didn't have many friends. And it was going to cost me a fortune.

by Anonymousreply 144November 11, 2017 4:00 PM

I got sick. It's fish for dinner.

This is not [italic]Airplane![/italic] I got sick before the fish.

by Anonymousreply 145November 11, 2017 5:43 PM

I bought my cat an expensive scratching lounger thingy off Amazon because she deserves it. I'll be damned if she has cut off all contact with me in order to spend all her time on that thing. Damn you, Amazon! Damn you all to hell!

by Anonymousreply 146November 11, 2017 5:44 PM

I had to get up TWICE last night to urinate.

I think I'll get one of those big Cranberry Juice glass bottles and place it under my bed.

by Anonymousreply 147November 11, 2017 5:49 PM

In two months' time, it'll be the 10th anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. OMG. I feel so old.

by Anonymousreply 148November 11, 2017 8:09 PM

Did Heath have genuine talent? More than the schmucks who fester our screens today?

by Anonymousreply 149November 11, 2017 8:13 PM

Oh no, IMDB has gone down!

by Anonymousreply 150November 11, 2017 8:32 PM

^ It's OK. It's up again.

by Anonymousreply 151November 11, 2017 8:45 PM

He improved with age, IMO, R149. Brokeback Mountain and The Dark Knight stand out as his best performances.

by Anonymousreply 152November 11, 2017 9:17 PM

I farted so loudly my cat jumped

by Anonymousreply 153November 12, 2017 2:53 AM

My gastro doctor examined my hole and said one of my hemorrhoids is thrombosed. He said it’s too inflamed to treat with the laser in his office and since it’s outside he can’t band it. So I have to do warm soaks and stool softener and return in two weeks for him to reevaluate.

by Anonymousreply 154November 12, 2017 3:14 AM

I bought weird beer that ended up the bargain bin. It was cheap, made with watermelon and sea salt. It is not bad, more like a prosecco than a beer.

by Anonymousreply 155November 12, 2017 3:35 AM

I just ate two big bowls of Thai hot and spicy noodle soup. I told myself I would stop at one but I knew that wouldn't happen. Now I'm sleepy.

by Anonymousreply 156November 12, 2017 3:54 AM

I want to to make my own old-fashioned icicles with a sheet of foil and a paper shredder. I just got this idea today and I don’t own a paper shredder so I don’t even know if it’s possible.

by Anonymousreply 157November 12, 2017 5:24 AM

R156 — You'll wake up quickly when that hot & spicy soup kicks in! I don't know how hot and spicy it is, but that Thai stuff has the capacity to blow you out a whole new asshole.

R153 — It's funny you should mention about your cat waking itself up by farting. I actually did that myself a few days ago. It has never happened before. It was like a gunshot.

by Anonymousreply 158November 12, 2017 7:38 PM

R157 Scissors?

There was a young cute new dentist when I got a checkup last week. He was 6 feet 4 inches tall but it was hard to make out his body type under this scrubs and gown. Looked just slightly muscular. Full head of hair and nice voice. He made me think of Alexander the Great. His patient was an old whiny lady. Boo. :(

by Anonymousreply 159November 12, 2017 8:21 PM

I don't know why this made me laugh so much. It hit just the right spot.

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by Anonymousreply 160November 12, 2017 8:58 PM

I just made arroz con pollo. I think it might be a bit too salty but it's pretty good. My mother gave me a bunch of coloured peppers from her garden so it looks very pretty.

by Anonymousreply 161November 12, 2017 10:30 PM

Fresh garlic on pizza is pretty good.

by Anonymousreply 162November 12, 2017 10:33 PM

They were out of the Spring Meadow scented Tide Pods, so I had to the the Sport scent.

I hope I don't regret it.

by Anonymousreply 163November 12, 2017 11:39 PM

My feet are finally warm

by Anonymousreply 164November 13, 2017 12:23 AM

I used to go to a particular store because the woman at the deli was friendly and knew how to process my order.

But they replaced her with a really ugly man and he is dumber than a box of rocks. How you can hear the word "mozzarella" and think "muenster" is beyond me.

by Anonymousreply 165November 13, 2017 2:58 AM

This is fosr you, R160:

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by Anonymousreply 166November 13, 2017 3:35 AM

Is this gonna give The Hitachi Magic Wand a run for its money?

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by Anonymousreply 167November 13, 2017 4:08 AM

Italy have failed to qualify for the World Cup! First time in 60 years.

by Anonymousreply 168November 13, 2017 10:13 PM

I have a growth above my ear. It started out small but now sticks out maybe 1/4 inch.

I haven't looked at it because that's scary.

by Anonymousreply 169November 13, 2017 11:19 PM

Don't look at it r169.

It'll go away.

by Anonymousreply 170November 14, 2017 12:14 PM

My friend and I had a good chuckle about a prank we pulled in our AOL days.

We were in an AOL chat room with a guy who was boasting about his appearance and endowment. We told him we would send him a photo of two hot pussies if he sent us a picture of his cock.

The photo he sent was impressive, who knows if it was his own.

We sent him a photo of my friend's two cats sitting on a radiator.......

by Anonymousreply 171November 14, 2017 7:17 PM

I’m want to make chili tonight, but the pot is still dirty from the last time I made it.

by Anonymousreply 172November 14, 2017 7:43 PM

The restroom spray stocked at work is called "FOREVER PINK," by Victoria's Secret. Both names makes me think of a vaginal infection.

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by Anonymousreply 173November 14, 2017 8:15 PM

I won my NFL pool this week. I think first prize is almost $200.

by Anonymousreply 174November 15, 2017 2:26 AM

Just farted. No smell. Which is odd, since I hate an entire jar of hot salsa tonight, drinking it out of the jar.

by Anonymousreply 175November 15, 2017 2:31 AM

R111 here again. My scheme worked. The pound of See's candy I hid in the garage is now all gone. I ate all of it myself. It lasted 11 days. Had my partner discovered it, it might have lasted two days. (Might). I took the empty box to work to throw away, so there would be no evidence. I'm going to buy some more over the weekend and do the same thing. I don't mind sharing, but with some people if you give them one piece they'll wind up eating the whole box.

Anticipating the reaction I know is bound to be forthcoming after this confession, here's the disclaimer: neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

by Anonymousreply 176November 15, 2017 8:32 PM

[quote] neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

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by Anonymousreply 177November 15, 2017 8:39 PM

I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

by Anonymousreply 178November 16, 2017 5:24 AM

R176 - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?

by Anonymousreply 179November 16, 2017 12:37 PM

Psssst....wanna see my big black cock, R171?

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by Anonymousreply 180November 16, 2017 12:48 PM

I was at the store this morning and a woman had a complete meltdown. I used to work retail and thought I'd seen it all, but this bit had an overture, first act, intermission, second act AND an 11 o'clock number.

Why?

Because the store put vanilla cake on the shelf and she took it home and made it and only after making it did she realize it was chocolate, because they put the box on the wrong part of the shelf, and now she's going to SUE them for gross negligence because her mother in law doesn't eat any fucking chocolate CAAAAAAKE!

(And as an aside: I am so frustrated.....I have carried my cell with me for a decade everywhere. I stop carrying it in the last week because we're having a rash of robberies where thieves take iPhones, and since Monday I've witnessed a car accident, a thief stealing a package from someone's porch AND this!)

by Anonymousreply 181November 16, 2017 5:44 PM

WTF 181 those three paragraphs OVERwhelmed ---Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

by Anonymousreply 182November 16, 2017 5:48 PM

LOL!

Sorry, R182!

by Anonymousreply 183November 16, 2017 6:36 PM

[quote]Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

Shallow breaths only r182.

by Anonymousreply 184November 16, 2017 6:48 PM

Politically incorrect opinion in California: I hate the rain.

by Anonymousreply 185November 16, 2017 7:54 PM

China poured more concrete from 2011 to 2013 than America did during the entire 20th century.

by Anonymousreply 186November 16, 2017 9:09 PM

i have the hiccups.

by Anonymousreply 187November 16, 2017 10:22 PM

i just can't wake up today

by Anonymousreply 188November 16, 2017 10:48 PM

Achoooo. Allergies.

by Anonymousreply 189November 16, 2017 10:54 PM

I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

by Anonymousreply 190November 16, 2017 11:00 PM

[quote]I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

You can boil those suckers for an hour and they won't soften up. They aren't really 'baby' carrots but gnarly carrots that nobody will buy. They cut them up and then treat them with chlorine.

by Anonymousreply 191November 16, 2017 11:54 PM

I have been having headaches and feeling like I have to shit all the time.

by Anonymousreply 192November 17, 2017 12:11 AM

"[R176] - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?"

I've actually done that in the past. The problem is, he eats whatever it is I've bought for him, then when it's gone he manages to eat the rest of mine, too. I realize how terrible that sounds, but I reiterate, neither one of us is fat. We normally don't keep sweets in the house. (Mainly because he always finds and eats them).

by Anonymousreply 193November 17, 2017 12:34 AM

I usually take a walk before dinner, but today I didn't.

by Anonymousreply 194November 17, 2017 3:17 AM

I read a post on a Facebook Old Homes Renovation page. Prior occupants who stayed 60 days passed the closing date poured concrete down the kitchen drain as a parting gift to the new owners. That's what happens when you buy a house under foreclosure. Talk about a kitchen sink drama!

by Anonymousreply 195November 17, 2017 3:19 AM

^^^In case you were wondering why so many landlords are unfeeling assholes.

by Anonymousreply 196November 17, 2017 12:47 PM

A relative of mine has come out as trans on national tv I'm glad my mother is dead because it would have killed her.

by Anonymousreply 197November 17, 2017 3:54 PM

the voices won't leave me alone.

by Anonymousreply 198November 17, 2017 11:49 PM

I have a cold and spent most of last night sneezing, so I bought some nasal spray this morning. Now I've stopped sneezing altogether, but my throat hurts and no matter how much I cough, I can't clear it. With hindsight, the constant sneezing was the lesser evil. #firstworldproblems

by Anonymousreply 199November 18, 2017 12:57 AM

I'm getting ready to replace my kitchen appliances and washer/dryer in one fell swoop. Better than stringing it out, I thought.

by Anonymousreply 200November 18, 2017 2:06 AM

Eat a teaspoon or two of honey, R199.

by Anonymousreply 201November 18, 2017 2:10 AM

Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

by Anonymousreply 202November 18, 2017 5:20 AM

I just made pastry cream for the first time, but I made too much.

It used 12 eggs.

by Anonymousreply 203November 18, 2017 5:23 AM

[quote] Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

He's just trying to keep up with you, dear.

by Anonymousreply 204November 18, 2017 12:42 PM

Whenever I see people wearing those Apple AirPods hanging out of the ears in the street, I can't stop thinking of this—

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by Anonymousreply 205November 20, 2017 1:37 AM

I went to Chuck E. Cheese. Not to eat or play games. For the theater.

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by Anonymousreply 206November 20, 2017 5:57 AM

My hotmail page has been frozen on my iPhone for the last 2 days :(

by Anonymousreply 207November 20, 2017 6:38 AM

I watched Female Trouble with my niece Anna two weeks ago. She's 7.

My sister called yesterday because Anna is getting at trouble at school for telling other kids, "Who are you.....UGLY?"

She also said that Anna asked her little brother to call her Taffy.

My work here is DONE!

by Anonymousreply 208November 20, 2017 3:15 PM

Won't someone PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?????!!!!!!!???????

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by Anonymousreply 209November 20, 2017 10:28 PM

I don't know where to file this.

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by Anonymousreply 210November 20, 2017 11:21 PM

Could someone please start a "I really, really want to be underwhelmed" thread.

Please?

by Anonymousreply 211November 21, 2017 12:26 PM

I had sour patch kids for breakfast.

by Anonymousreply 212November 22, 2017 10:48 AM

I can't quite believe this is real. Anyone who buys this sweater should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

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by Anonymousreply 213November 24, 2017 5:46 PM

I have a headache today. I may have a headache two or three times per annum, max. If you see some guy sitting on his front porch in eye mask and noise-canceling headphones, it's probably me.

by Anonymousreply 214November 25, 2017 11:49 PM

My rear end is very sore from being in the car all day. I’m relieved we just pulled in to the hotel parking lot. Soon my rump will rest.

by Anonymousreply 215November 26, 2017 12:47 AM

My stomach hurts really bad. I ate a whole plate of food on Thanksgiving and yesterday. I never eat that much food at once. Never again.

by Anonymousreply 216November 26, 2017 1:14 AM

I just had a Milky Way bar for dinner.

by Anonymousreply 217November 26, 2017 1:23 AM

Do I need to empty my bowels? I can't be sure. I'll have to stand up and twist around to feel if there's enough in my bowels to evacuate them.

Do I remember evacuating them morning? Or was that memory from yesterday?

by Anonymousreply 218November 26, 2017 1:59 AM

My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses. I have this old pair that are rimless and make this elder look even more elder. I went to the optometrist to get a new pair but didn't cause they didn't take my insurance.

They managed to twist the rimless ones back into shape. They were fine except that they are easily lost because they blend in to the background.

I sat on them and one of the bows broke off so now it is a real professional look. I bought some readers but still procrastinate about getting a new pair. Pretty fucking boring minutiae...... how did Proust make it so interesting?

Oh yeah he was a genius

by Anonymousreply 219November 26, 2017 2:19 AM

Oh, man, R219! I really relate to the glasses thing. I am constantly losing them or sitting on them. Stepped on them once. The worst thing is when I’m frantically running around the house looking for them and can’t find them—and then realize I’ve pushed them to the top of my head and forgot. Again.

by Anonymousreply 220November 26, 2017 2:57 AM

My partner baked three turkeys. Fifty pounds of turkey are 49 pounds more than I think we need for frozen leftovers. I don't particularly like turkey.

by Anonymousreply 221November 26, 2017 3:01 AM

Visiting family today (Sunday). I’ll always remember walking in to face intervention (s) during the holiday season.

by Anonymousreply 222November 26, 2017 7:54 PM

I discovered a spelling error in Cleveland's traffic statistics report for 1953. To whom shall I report the error?

by Anonymousreply 223November 26, 2017 9:10 PM

Was cleaning my bathroom today. Used my trusty Clorox bathroom cleaner with bleach spray. I sprayed the tub, and also the tiles the go to the ceiling in the tub area. About a half hour later I was putting towels away and noticed that my brand new Navy blue towels, that had been folded On the shelf next to the tub had bleach "spray" marks all Over. Now they are ruined. They are Navy blue with pink spray spots.

My phone sucks. Not sure if it's my actual iPhone 7 plus that sucks or if this site has ruined my phone and gave me a virus. I'm thinking of getting the iPhone X because of this.

Also looking for a new job this week.

I was good this weekend. Only bought a couple things during the Black Friday sales

by Anonymousreply 224November 27, 2017 1:46 AM

[quote]To whom shall I report the error?

You just did r223. The DL is the repository for all such meaningless shit.

by Anonymousreply 225November 27, 2017 12:42 PM

My penis is hard.

by Anonymousreply 226November 27, 2017 1:07 PM

Still r226?

by Anonymousreply 227November 27, 2017 6:22 PM

R226

Was your hard penis aroused by some erotic stimulation or was it just a waking dream? They are the hardest.

by Anonymousreply 228November 28, 2017 5:29 AM

I get perverse pleasure by going into the kitchen late at night and suddenly turning on the light and using a fly swatter to thwack the inevitable 2 or 3 cockroaches I see scuttling away.

by Anonymousreply 229November 28, 2017 11:17 AM

There's a fairly large puff of dog hair hanging from a single strand of spider web in the laundry room. I should clean it but it's kind of fascinating the way it wafts in the draft every time a door opens or shuts.

by Anonymousreply 230November 28, 2017 10:59 PM

I have never seen The Sixth Sense. Is it worth watching if, like me, you already know the twist?

by Anonymousreply 231November 29, 2017 6:07 PM

The twist is pretty evident from the get-go, so just enjoy the ride.

by Anonymousreply 232November 29, 2017 6:10 PM

Thanks, R232, I'll give it a try.

by Anonymousreply 233November 29, 2017 8:16 PM

My doctor tells me to reduce my cholesterol by eating stodgy porridge.

I sits like a dead weight in my stomach and I have to wait 6 months to find out if it's effective in any way.

by Anonymousreply 234November 29, 2017 8:28 PM

Friends to the end.

Cody and Howell Emanuel Donaldson III

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by Anonymousreply 235November 30, 2017 7:51 PM

^ I don't suppose Howell Donaldson III (on the left) isn't any relation to Thurston Howell III.

by Anonymousreply 236December 1, 2017 2:50 AM

It's just emerged that my younger brother thought Princess Diana was William & Harry’s older sister. And we’re British. He was only a toddler when she died, but still. Jesus Christ.

by Anonymousreply 237December 1, 2017 7:59 PM

That's ok, R237. I thought Anne was the family horse

by Anonymousreply 238December 1, 2017 8:16 PM

I accidentally farted while walking past one of my hot boss' door and immediately coughed and ran paper through the shredder for distraction. I hope he forgets by Monday that it ever happened.

by Anonymousreply 239December 1, 2017 9:41 PM

He might forget but I remember!

by Anonymousreply 240December 2, 2017 9:04 PM

Who is this Muriel person?

Does Muriel come in and exercise "Flood Control" every time as I want to share my wisdom

by Anonymousreply 241December 3, 2017 1:48 AM

I drank seven pints of beer of last night and fell asleep at 10.

But my brain woke me up at 2.30 and at 6.00am and again at 9.30 am to urinate out those seven pints of beer.

by Anonymousreply 242December 3, 2017 10:32 PM

I think Dianne Feinstein should retire, don't you?

She looks at Death's Door with those sad, saggy eyelids which must be hell to paint with a mascara pencil.

by Anonymousreply 243December 4, 2017 11:12 AM

[quote] R219: My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses.

Look under the couch cushions and then under the couch. That’s where mine were, twice.

by Anonymousreply 244December 4, 2017 5:46 PM

[quote] R231: I have never seen The Sixth Sense

I thought it was a great movie.

by Anonymousreply 245December 4, 2017 5:51 PM

There's a difference between Christmas/Holiday songs and Winter songs.

Silent Night and White Christmas are Christmas Songs.

Baby It's Cold Outside and Winter Wonderland are Winter songs. As such, they may be performed and heard into March.

by Anonymousreply 246December 6, 2017 11:47 AM

However, thank god they are not.

by Anonymousreply 247December 6, 2017 1:36 PM

Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

by Anonymousreply 248December 7, 2017 4:31 PM

[quote]Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

The first reason I've had to remain alive in YEARS!

by Anonymousreply 249December 7, 2017 4:33 PM

Sept. 18, 1966: Diane Habegger of Van Nuys, the mother of three, organizes Housewives Voice for Lower Prices. They point out that the cost of bread had gone from 37 to 41 cents a loaf in two weeks

by Anonymousreply 250December 7, 2017 4:56 PM

My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

And Swoosie Kurtz as "Susie Squirts."

by Anonymousreply 251December 7, 2017 7:37 PM

Double ply Quilted Northern plugs my toilet.

I have to go back to single ply but Scott brand hurts. Tree bark would feel better.

by Anonymousreply 252December 9, 2017 1:40 AM

It has become darker, earlier. I have just begun to notice this.

by Anonymousreply 253December 9, 2017 6:18 AM

Della, try Scott Rapid Dissolve. It is two ply, and doesn't hurt. It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

by Anonymousreply 254December 9, 2017 6:21 AM

Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a film and it is so ugly, it ruins every scene that it is in.

by Anonymousreply 255December 9, 2017 6:21 AM

[quote]R91 I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

Are you one of the Magdalene Sisters?

by Anonymousreply 256December 9, 2017 6:55 AM

[quote]R251 My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

My mom not only renames stars, but calls any of them I like my friends.

She'll say, "It starred your friend, Faye Dunahugh."

by Anonymousreply 257December 9, 2017 7:06 AM

Oh, thanks, r254.

by Anonymousreply 258December 9, 2017 2:14 PM

[quote] It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

At that age, you're lucky you can still sit on a toilet. (*_~)

by Anonymousreply 259December 9, 2017 3:16 PM

I will go on an all-liquid diet when I reach 60.

I hate the drama of intestinal scraping and blockages.

by Anonymousreply 260December 9, 2017 3:56 PM

I wear rubber gloves whenever I have to touch water— including in the shower and whenever I perform a bowel-movement

by Anonymousreply 261December 9, 2017 11:17 PM

I just cleaned some bird poop off of the hood of my Honda CR-V using paper towels and a spray bottle of water.

by Anonymousreply 262December 10, 2017 12:13 AM

I guess bird poop is acidic.

I am overwhelmed by the smell of ammonia when I empty my urine bottle.

by Anonymousreply 263December 10, 2017 12:27 AM

There is a toenail on my left foot that is very hard to cut. I've had it checked multiple times and it does not have fungus.

by Anonymousreply 264December 10, 2017 12:34 AM

^. You need to get a friend or a colleague to try it.

It's hard to get a good position to manoeuvre on your own feet. That's why I love my new foot scraper!

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by Anonymousreply 265December 10, 2017 12:55 AM

I had a dream that all my teeth fell out. When I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream.

by Anonymousreply 266December 10, 2017 1:54 AM

So camp!

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by Anonymousreply 267December 10, 2017 8:13 AM

"Blacula" is on Retro TV now. It's fun to watch it.

I remember seeing it during its 70s first run at the Modjeska Theatre. I was too frightened to watch it through and left early.

by Anonymousreply 268December 11, 2017 11:00 PM

I just learned that if you Google "All I Want for Christmas Is You", the results page has a Christmassy heading.

by Anonymousreply 269December 11, 2017 11:43 PM

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" This season, for the first time, I finally heard that song from start to finish. It's superb pop music.

"Scream, Blacula, Scream", " is on now. Already I can tell it won't be as fun to watch as "Blacula".

by Anonymousreply 270December 12, 2017 12:13 AM

"Music composed and conducted by Bill Marx".

by Anonymousreply 271December 12, 2017 12:15 AM

I've been stuck all week watching my step-grandson and I've taught him the Harpo Marx Handshake routine. The kid performs it like a champ:

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by Anonymousreply 272December 12, 2017 12:45 AM

I bought a blender to encourage myself to eat more fruit.

Tonight I made a new mix of ⅔ cantaloupe and ⅓ skim milk plus two spoons of desiccated coconut.

by Anonymousreply 273December 12, 2017 10:37 AM

How did you type those fractions?

by Anonymousreply 274December 12, 2017 11:36 AM

^ Well, I just typed in a 2 and a / and a 3 and suddenly a ⅔ popped into place.

by Anonymousreply 275December 12, 2017 8:23 PM

That cantaloupe smoothie was unusual in that it was based on milk.

Most of my others have oranges as their base. And I add on apples or carrots or celery or berries.

by Anonymousreply 276December 13, 2017 6:45 AM

I hate 99% of Christmas music, especially Jingle Bell Rock.

by Anonymousreply 277December 13, 2017 11:38 PM

Underwhelm is a fairly recent addition to the English language, and as is often the case with such young words, there is a certain amount of misinformation regarding where it came from.

by Anonymousreply 278December 13, 2017 11:46 PM

I just thought of a couple of fun exit lines:

See you later, masturbator.

After a while, pedophile.

by Anonymousreply 279December 14, 2017 1:53 AM

I came here to post something, but now I forget what.

by Anonymousreply 280December 14, 2017 5:54 AM

All we did for outdoor Christmas lights was put a 90 watt white spotlight under each (6 of 'em) tree; nothing else. We also put up a large wreath with small white lights with a large red bow.

I like it, but, truth be told, I honestly can't make up my mind if the effect is elegant and subtle or blah and dull.

by Anonymousreply 281December 15, 2017 12:35 AM

^ I'm not Catholic or superstitious but I'd feel uneasy placing wreath on my door.

Jesus died at Easter time not Christmas.

by Anonymousreply 282December 15, 2017 12:41 AM

Yeah, R282, but only for three days. Does the time he was "dead" really count?

by Anonymousreply 283December 15, 2017 11:28 PM

Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, r283.

by Anonymousreply 284December 16, 2017 2:11 AM

So, I guess I'm not supposed to dip my bread into the peanut butter jar. Sometimes my mam makes me feel like a seven year old.

by Anonymousreply 285December 16, 2017 9:30 PM

There's a Claudia Lamb (Heather Hartman from MH,MH) tribute on YT. It's a little less than a minute long but provides a link to an actual Claudia Lamb interview from 10-28-16.

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by Anonymousreply 286December 17, 2017 5:40 AM

The tediousness of dressing with an awreness of thr various articles of clothing w hen worn together, i.e. length of shirt and height of waistband, degree of sheerness of shirt, camisole versus bra, cleavage and help style, length of pants, type of sock, type of shoe, color match, Brown or black leather for shoes and purse, outerwear in comparison to outfit, likelihood of perspiring and the appropriate deodorant, etc. ad infinitum.

by Anonymousreply 287December 17, 2017 6:05 AM

R279

😂😂😂😂 Love you.

by Anonymousreply 288December 17, 2017 6:07 AM

Fifty minutes ago a strange man's mouth was around my penis.

It was pleasant even if he wasn't particularly attractive.

His mouth was wonderfully warm.

by Anonymousreply 289December 17, 2017 8:27 AM

"Dog food lid" spelled backward is “dildo of god.”

"Jesus" read backward sounds like "sausage."

by Anonymousreply 290December 17, 2017 11:33 PM

What is the difference between lint, dust and dander?

I suck it all up in my Dyson Stick but can I place it all down the lavatory bowl?

by Anonymousreply 291December 19, 2017 11:24 AM

Look at the two harmonious curves of the man on the right's stomach and buttock

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by Anonymousreply 292December 20, 2017 10:22 AM

I'm watching this movie on YouTube.

It's directed by James Whale and features an absolutely OTT role for Mrs Patrick Campbell.

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by Anonymousreply 293December 23, 2017 8:42 AM

^ "One More River" (1934)

by Anonymousreply 294December 23, 2017 8:44 AM

I just slipped and fell on my way from the kitchen. That’s what I get for being a fat girl.

by Anonymousreply 295December 23, 2017 8:55 AM

I cut ma toe. I took the recycle bag out of the bin to bring it out to the garage and I kicked it when I walked past it. With my luck, I managed to kick a heavy glass canister that had been broken in half. I'm lucky I didn't sever the toe from my foot.

by Anonymousreply 296December 23, 2017 3:09 PM

I had another of my flying dreams which originated my childhood Parkour (*look it up in a dictionary*)

I fly vast differences over cities that I know. Of course, my greatest problem is avoiding the telegraph wires because I don't like flying too high. But you'd be amazed how you can pick a flight path to avoid them. Last night I flew across the harbour to avoid them.

by Anonymousreply 297December 24, 2017 7:57 PM

I just watched Planes Trains and Automobiles and Steve Martin's wife looks like she's on barbiturates through the whole thing

by Anonymousreply 298December 26, 2017 3:08 AM

I have never been a big holiday person....and always go to an extended family's endless dinner where we arrive two hours early.

This year (and at Thansgiving) I bucked tradition by arriving a half an hour late for the drinks portion.

by Anonymousreply 299December 26, 2017 5:00 AM

Something big keeps pooping in my front yard.

by Anonymousreply 300December 26, 2017 10:15 AM

I posted upthread about EBT benefits being cut. SSI just gave us a raise from $735 to $750 per month. So EBT went down from $102 to $95. Net gain of $8 for rise in "cost of living." I wonder how republicans live with themselves sometimes.

by Anonymousreply 301December 26, 2017 11:54 PM

^. Are you taking about Electronic benefit transfer, R301?

by Anonymousreply 302December 26, 2017 11:59 PM

Yes, r302, a.k.a. Food Stamps a.k.a. SNAP.

by Anonymousreply 303December 27, 2017 12:19 AM

I just found out that one of my two actual, legitimate enemies died today of cancer. My other enemy is his wife. I wish I had even a little bit of regret, but I still despise them both. They did me a lot of damage.

by Anonymousreply 304December 27, 2017 3:10 AM

Like mortal enemies, R304?

by Anonymousreply 305December 27, 2017 3:21 AM

R301 I guess you didn't appreciate that thread from a couple of months ago in DL where about 20 or so DLers (who I assume had retired and were able to calculate their assets and) declared they were worth over a million dollars.

I haven't the wherewithal to calculate mine but my best friends says most have more than they know.

by Anonymousreply 306December 27, 2017 4:29 AM

OK, (Julianne Moore) seriously, some of you noobs need to go read old Underwhelmed threads because you're missing the fucking point of the entire thing. And, for that matter, you should be reading old threads to get a sense of tone for this entire place because you're fucking it all up.

by Anonymousreply 307December 27, 2017 5:47 AM

R305, well the one is mortal anyway, since he's dead now. Hopefully the other stone-cold cunt will prove her mortality soon enough.

by Anonymousreply 308December 27, 2017 5:54 AM

R300 , could it be a raccoon? They come to our house looking for cat food every night, and sometimes I'll see poop on the sidewalk and think it might be them because most people will pick up after their dogs.

We have skunks too; they have such luxurious tales.

by Anonymousreply 309December 27, 2017 5:45 PM

Tales of what, R309? I thought skunks led pretty boring lives.

by Anonymousreply 310December 27, 2017 5:50 PM

Sorry, it's me r300. I can't help it and your daisies are sooooo inviting!

by Anonymousreply 311December 27, 2017 11:45 PM

I’m the musical Cats!

by Anonymousreply 312December 27, 2017 11:52 PM

I love Cats and cats.

by Anonymousreply 313December 28, 2017 1:56 AM

Two owls are hooting at each other in the woods behind my house. They're really loud. It sounds something like this:

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by Anonymousreply 314December 28, 2017 2:16 AM

My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because I snore. He is vegetarian and weighs 150lbs soaking wet. Last night he turned the thermostat up so high that I had to open my window an inch (it was 12 degrees outside) and drag my summer fan out of the closet. When I finally tried to turn down the thermostat, I couldn't. He'd broken it. Seriously. The heat won't stop.

He's always been cold. But when I walked into his bedroom early today, what did I see? His fucking air conditioner is still in his window! It's uncovered. It's 13 degrees and windy outside, he's got the equivalent of an open window in his room and my room is 84 degrees! Stupidity like this is unfathomable.

by Anonymousreply 315December 28, 2017 2:47 PM

Zac Efron’s acting career.

by Anonymousreply 316December 28, 2017 2:56 PM

I'm ill and instead of offering comfort my cat sits on his favourite cushion and looks at me like he is slightly disgusted and confused, and wants a cuddle. So I pick him up for a cuddle and he looks uncomfortable and fucks off back to his cushion.

by Anonymousreply 317December 29, 2017 11:15 AM

Heinz mayonnaise is not as good as Hellman's/Best Foods.

by Anonymousreply 318December 29, 2017 7:51 PM

I'm so worried about my Guinea fowl. They sleep in trees and live their whole lives outdoors. They've gone through cold weather before, but not extended, like this. Maybe a few days of single digits and teens temperatures, then it gets to be about 30 degrees, which is fine with them. I looked at the 10 day outlook and there are no days where the temperature gets out of the low twenties and all days have lows in the single digits. This sucks.

by Anonymousreply 319December 29, 2017 7:55 PM

r319, what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs? Curious. I hear they're good for keeping down ticks.

by Anonymousreply 320December 29, 2017 9:27 PM

Do they have a coop, R319? Leave it open and make sure they have deep clean bedding but other than that you don't need to worry about them. You might try giving them an evening feed of corn but that's about it.

by Anonymousreply 321December 30, 2017 12:57 AM

I just got some blood test results back: bad liver and kidney numbers. I'm quite scared.

by Anonymousreply 322December 30, 2017 8:44 AM

Be careful with your kidneys. I knew a very wealthy alcoholic who was struck down at age 65.

by Anonymousreply 323December 30, 2017 8:49 AM

I am so whelmed that I am deleting this thread from my favorites.

by Anonymousreply 324January 2, 2018 12:05 PM

I understand R324. I can't expect you to share my pain in that my nightmares are getting worse with age.

They're getting worse in that my self-knowledge is increasing inversely with the deterioration of all those valves, bones, ligaments and soft flesh which all adds to horrible, horrible nightmares.

by Anonymousreply 325January 2, 2018 6:33 PM

Take it to a thread that cares r325.

by Anonymousreply 326January 2, 2018 6:35 PM

My cat is rather fond of marzipan stollen.

by Anonymousreply 327January 3, 2018 6:51 PM

I have a test tomorrow morning and I havent studied yet

by Anonymousreply 328January 3, 2018 6:52 PM

I just found online the full length version of a highlights porn video which I've jerked off to in the past, and the full length version is no more exciting than the highlights.

by Anonymousreply 329January 4, 2018 2:56 PM

That is common R329. We have short attention span now.

by Anonymousreply 330January 4, 2018 9:52 PM

I'm listening to songs from the I Am Sam soundtrack (even though I've never seen the film), and all I can think of Robert Downey Jr's "never go full retard" speech in Tropic Thunder.

by Anonymousreply 331January 6, 2018 2:21 AM

While watching Jimi Hendrix- Voodoo Child on Netflix I realized Lenny Kravitz copies his clothing style.

by Anonymousreply 332January 6, 2018 10:49 PM

Lenny Kravitz is a Half-jewish copy-cat

by Anonymousreply 333January 6, 2018 11:14 PM

I grew up saying "hot chocolate" instead of "cocoa."

by Anonymousreply 334January 7, 2018 1:11 AM

I'm sick and goddamn tired of my partner's life long straight male friend contacting me because my boyfriend won't respond to him. Said friend lives in a European country and loves to contact us at inopportune times because he's too fucking stupid to understand the time difference. I always end up being the one arguing politics and whatever else this guy wants to bitch about. Why must I keep up my boyfriend's friendships? This has been going on for years.

by Anonymousreply 335January 7, 2018 1:18 AM

I dread this evening's inevitable multiple Golden Globes threads. Those uncomfortable which thread will be "it?" moments before the prevailing thread takes over, unnerves me.

by Anonymousreply 336January 7, 2018 6:22 PM

R335 — You can put an end to it by abruptly, when he's in mid-sentence, say to him, "I'll bet you have a really big cock. Got any dick pics?" Or if you think that's a little too hardcore, you could say instead, "What color underpants are you wearing right now?"

You're welcome.

by Anonymousreply 337January 7, 2018 6:25 PM

Sage advice for new year—

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by Anonymousreply 338January 7, 2018 9:29 PM

I use a mouse instead of the touchpad.

The roller thing on the top of the mouse, in the middle, just stopped responding.

I worry it is broken.

by Anonymousreply 339January 10, 2018 3:07 AM

I hate these fuckers. I keep finding them in my house.

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by Anonymousreply 340January 10, 2018 11:56 PM

[quote] what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs?

My guinea fowl don't have a coop. They sleep in trees. They just showed up one day. There were 15 of them. They've been whittled down to 3. There were 4 of them for 5 years, but I lost one last winter (during a warm spell, oddly).

I keep them for eating ticks. In summer they eat birdseed as a snack, but in winter I have to seriously feed them. They're idiots, but I like them.

They are all male. The females all died the first summer because they lay eggs out in the open and sit on the nest day and night, where they end up getting consumed by hawks, owls, dogs, raccoons, possums, foxes. We don't have coyotes here, but they are big consumers of guinea fowl as well.

by Anonymousreply 341January 11, 2018 12:05 AM
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by Anonymousreply 342January 11, 2018 12:32 AM

I had the creepiest dream last night. I was lying in my bed when I felt this invisible force - (i.e. a ghost) - pushing down on my chest and my throat so that I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear it screaming aggressively at me, although I couldn't make out what it was saying. When I woke up, I was in that confused, half-asleep state, so it took me a few minutes to realise that it must have been a dream.

by Anonymousreply 343January 11, 2018 12:33 AM

Salesforce Tower, underwhelming by design, opens for business

Noted skyscraper comes with San Francisco’s lack of “visual swagger”

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by Anonymousreply 344January 11, 2018 12:42 AM

God, that building is ugly. It looks like a mechanical pencil.

by Anonymousreply 345January 11, 2018 4:00 AM

I put a pizza in the toaster oven and ate an apple while it was cooking and now I'm not even hungry anymore and don't want to eat the pizza.

by Anonymousreply 346January 14, 2018 11:43 PM

I hate Sunday so much I feel like crying.

by Anonymousreply 347January 14, 2018 11:58 PM

I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)

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by Anonymousreply 348January 15, 2018 12:13 AM

I'm going to throw my garbage down the chute in the compactor room now.

by Anonymousreply 349January 15, 2018 12:21 AM

I'm back.

by Anonymousreply 350January 15, 2018 12:23 AM

"I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)"

I take my nail clippings and toss them into the garden, where, hopefully, they'll turn into compost and nourish the plants. I view this as the ultimate recycling.

Glad you're back R350. We missed you.

by Anonymousreply 351January 15, 2018 1:09 AM

I put cotton sheets on my bed yesterday, but now I hear we're in for another cold snap. I want to change, but that would mean removing two blankets and a comforter as well as the sheets.

by Anonymousreply 352January 15, 2018 3:13 AM

My feet stink. I should get in the tub but I'm watching bad tv and don't wan to stop.

by Anonymousreply 353January 15, 2018 3:41 AM

A cute boy stared at me when I was in line at the supermarket. He totally wants me.

by Anonymousreply 354January 15, 2018 5:00 AM

I just woke up and I have to pee. My place is cool and my bed is warm and I don’t want to get up.

by Anonymousreply 355January 15, 2018 12:15 PM

^ I have a glass jar (with lid) under my bed for use in the night.

I don't follow Sarah Miles' philosophy so I rinse out the jar in the bathroom in the morning and let it drain in the yard.

When I'm rinsing I note that the hot liquid from my body has caused condensation under the lid of the jar and I wonder if this condensation liquid is "clean".

by Anonymousreply 356January 15, 2018 12:49 PM

Lick it.

by Anonymousreply 357January 15, 2018 1:36 PM

My Siberian Husky appropriated one of my unwashed tennis socks a couple of weeks ago and carries it around everywhere with her. She won't let me take it away from her and is very possessive of it. Of course I'm letting her keep it. I just can't understand what the attraction is. She's had plenty of opportunity to pilfer my clothing, socks, underwear, etc., but has never done it before. The sock is now getting kind of ratty looking, but she seems to love it.

by Anonymousreply 358January 15, 2018 6:51 PM

Lick it.

by Anonymousreply 359January 15, 2018 7:02 PM

r358, your Husky is a wicked practical joke-playing minx and I think I love her.

by Anonymousreply 360January 15, 2018 8:40 PM

My cat walked across my laptop keyboard and somehow managed to invert images on my second monitor! I had no idea that could be done. Took me a couple minutes to figure out how to close the open windows (with the mouse, up was down, left was right) undo what he did. That would have been a funny call to the Help Desk.

by Anonymousreply 361January 17, 2018 7:04 PM

R358 She is doing it for your smell. Same reason why dogs eat glasses, etc.

If it has the smell of their human on it they are all about it. Just happened to be your sock.

by Anonymousreply 362January 17, 2018 7:20 PM

I just went to an AA meeting (non-dramatic...it's just part of my regular week.)

This (perhaps homeless ?) woman came in a bit late and was sitting a few seats away from me, coughing for most of it.

I left 5 minutes before the end, when we hold hands for the Serenity Prayer, because I don't want to get sick.

#WinnerToday : (

by Anonymousreply 363January 19, 2018 4:24 AM

[quote]R284 Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, [R283]

He was just taking Jennifer's Sleep Cure from VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. .

by Anonymousreply 364January 19, 2018 4:26 AM

I know it's an old post, but R257 made me laugh.

by Anonymousreply 365January 19, 2018 2:58 PM

I haven't smoked a J in decades. Retroplex is running a Toho Studios Godzilla marathon. I want to be stoned, with plenty of snacks.

by Anonymousreply 366January 20, 2018 1:41 AM

I can't believe Animaniacs got away with this joke in the 90s:

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by Anonymousreply 367January 23, 2018 8:07 PM

I just beeped one and I'm too lazy to get up and see if I made a mess of myself.

by Anonymousreply 368January 23, 2018 8:47 PM

^ Don't stain the sheets, R368!

by Anonymousreply 369January 24, 2018 10:40 AM

I've been watching the latest series of 'Naked Dating' and they've obviously been scraping the bottom of the barrel to find a personable man to go naked.

Finally, Sam has arrived.

by Anonymousreply 370January 24, 2018 10:50 AM

I just watched a dust bunny blow across the living room floor. So pretty.

by Anonymousreply 371January 24, 2018 8:16 PM

Seriously, all I did today was jerk off and nap over and over and over again. I could get something done now but I kinda just want to get back in bed.

by Anonymousreply 372January 26, 2018 2:00 AM

Fair enough, R372. Did you jerk a second time?

by Anonymousreply 373January 26, 2018 2:04 AM

I'm mildly obsessed with Adam Driver at the moment. I have no idea why.

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by Anonymousreply 374January 26, 2018 2:20 AM

My friend wants me to come over, but I'm tired and don't feel like it. I may go. I may not go.

by Anonymousreply 375January 27, 2018 1:00 AM

Missing a kick

at the icebox door

It closed anyway

by Anonymousreply 376January 27, 2018 1:27 AM

Are desk organizers used as succulent planters a thing in flyover circles?

I'm deeply offended as soil should not be in proximity to paperwork.

by Anonymousreply 377January 27, 2018 9:18 PM

My ex-husbands gave me some indoor Spathyfiliums.

But they're more trouble than pretty.

by Anonymousreply 378January 27, 2018 9:32 PM

It’s not a raccoon pooping in my front yard. Around here their poo has a lot of seeds in it. And the poo is standing upright like Mr. Hankey giving me an FU. Sick.

by Anonymousreply 379January 27, 2018 9:49 PM

I'm afraid that these Proud Parenting ads may land me in prison for kiddie porn.

by Anonymousreply 380January 28, 2018 1:35 PM

I just smashed the first digit of my middle finger with a hammer. Hurts like fuck. I have ice on it and took a couple of pills. Really hard to open pill bottles with one hand. I hope it isn't broken. I should just be a brain in a jar. I'm too clumsy for corporeal existence.

by Anonymousreply 381February 1, 2018 5:42 PM

I am sorry that you are injured r381.

But in 2018 it is joyful that you can be underwhelming.

I guess what I am saying is that I am actually glad that you hurt yourself in such an underwhelming way.

by Anonymousreply 382February 1, 2018 5:46 PM

I ate some eggs. They were pretty good.

by Anonymousreply 383February 1, 2018 5:51 PM

I just gave my two Huskies a snack and they're now chasing each other all over the yard. God, they're having fun!

by Anonymousreply 384February 2, 2018 3:24 AM

I bought a coat without realizing it's coming from Shanghai. Some tiny Asian must have been fitted for size medium. It's snug around the the armpits and sleeves are short. The chinaman said the cost to return it would be more than the coat itself.

by Anonymousreply 385February 2, 2018 3:40 PM

I should wear glasses due to my astigmatism (oval shaped pupils or some shit) but I havent in more than 10 years and I guess I can see fine. My brother has worn glasses forever and when he takes them off his eyes look strangely tiny -wtf is up with that?

by Anonymousreply 386February 2, 2018 3:43 PM

My dog barks at my nice and friendly dad everyday, EVERY DAY and he paid for the damn dog. I am stuck with dumb dog.

by Anonymousreply 387February 2, 2018 3:47 PM

Not to mention he is stuck with dumb you R387.

by Anonymousreply 388February 2, 2018 3:54 PM

Your dad needs to keep dog treats in a pants pocket.

by Anonymousreply 389February 2, 2018 4:38 PM

In the 12 years of elementary/JH/HS school we never had one snow day. Since I moved back to the area, it snows constantly in winter. Big storms, little storms, dustings, several feet of snow. Wet snow, dry snow, slush, sleet.

Fuck this

by Anonymousreply 390February 2, 2018 4:41 PM

In my threadlist the first entry was just: "What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?"

Immediately followed by "Tommy Lee's Cock"

by Anonymousreply 391February 2, 2018 6:33 PM

[quote]I Want To Be Underwhelmed

Read the Devin Nunes memo.

by Anonymousreply 392February 2, 2018 6:41 PM

I'm supposed to be working from home but all I've done is organize my photos and watch YouTube vids of some Canadian lady exploring abandoned houses.

by Anonymousreply 393February 2, 2018 7:35 PM

I kind of like the smell of my fingers right now. But I can't describe how they smell. Jealous, bitches!?

by Anonymousreply 394February 2, 2018 8:09 PM

How long do I have until eating only coffee and chocolate bars for every meal will make me sick?

by Anonymousreply 395February 4, 2018 5:26 AM

That will be approximately 1.3 days after you die r395.

by Anonymousreply 396February 5, 2018 2:41 PM

I hate the word, 'peep'. It just skeeves me out. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

by Anonymousreply 397February 6, 2018 2:58 PM

So, like, it turns out my body doesn't digest gummy bears. Yeah. Picture my toilet bowl.

by Anonymousreply 398February 8, 2018 5:12 PM

Boo-Berry cereal will turn your shit bright green.

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by Anonymousreply 399February 8, 2018 5:24 PM

[quote]Picture my toilet bowl.

Pics please.

by Anonymousreply 400February 8, 2018 5:44 PM

^Yes, please. We need to bear witness. Thank you and may peace be with your ass, now, and always.

by Anonymousreply 401February 8, 2018 6:57 PM

Lemme just say that plucking gummy bears from my asshole made me feel like Whitney Houston on acid.

by Anonymousreply 402February 8, 2018 7:56 PM

[quote]plucking gummy bears from my asshole made me feel like Whitney Houston on acid

More pics please!

by Anonymousreply 403February 9, 2018 4:13 PM

I scratched my butt while I slept and now got doodoo under my nails

by Anonymousreply 404February 9, 2018 6:06 PM

I just puked my guts out from an antibiotic.

by Anonymousreply 405February 15, 2018 3:32 PM

I put my boogers under the sofa cushion.

by Anonymousreply 406February 15, 2018 3:45 PM

Perhaps r404 could borrow your cushion r406?

by Anonymousreply 407February 15, 2018 4:26 PM

I find myself thinking about eggs quite often.

by Anonymousreply 408February 18, 2018 9:12 PM

Yesterday I was taking a piss and was looking at the wall in our bathroom, and I realized that I may not like the color so much after all. It looks a little washed out sometimes. I dunno.

by Anonymousreply 409February 19, 2018 2:03 AM

I'm still drunk from yesterday. Considering giving up on trying to sober up and just cracking open another beer. This limbo sucks.

by Anonymousreply 410February 22, 2018 4:41 PM

My fingers smell peculiar: A mix of burnt erasers, pig dung, and . . . watermelon?

by Anonymousreply 411February 24, 2018 6:02 PM

Big fight brewing between my brother and my sister & brother-in-law. Dying to know all the details but don't really want to get involved. I'm just nosey and bored.

by Anonymousreply 412February 24, 2018 6:55 PM

How many boo-boos do you think you have let today, so far?

by Anonymousreply 413February 25, 2018 8:18 PM

Ludens has put menthol in its honey lemon and honey licorice cough drops. That sucks. I liked those cough drops because they *didn't* have menthol in them.

Menthol gives me a stomach ache and does nothing to soothe a sore throat or dry mouth.

by Anonymousreply 414February 25, 2018 9:19 PM

I need me some taters!!!!

by Anonymousreply 415February 25, 2018 9:26 PM

"I need me some taters!!!!"

It's funny you should say that, R315. I got to majorly craving me a mess of fried taters earlier today, so I made a special trip to Albertsons just to buy me a couple of Russets. I'm going to slice them real thin and fry them in bacon grease and that's going to be my dinner tonight, with LOTS of salt and pepper. The downside (if you can call it that) is that I'm going to be farting all night as a result.

Yeah, I know. I type fat. Surprisingly, I'm not.

by Anonymousreply 416February 26, 2018 12:54 AM

I was going to do laundry tonight, but someone else was using washer.

by Anonymousreply 417February 26, 2018 2:36 AM

I have to wake up in about five hours but I'm not really tired because I slept in very late today and took a nap later and I kinda feel like I should just get up and quite wasting time pretending I'm going to fall asleep but, if I do that, I know I'm going to be exhausted by the time I need to be "on" today.

by Anonymousreply 418February 28, 2018 6:32 AM

Motherfuck -- I delay and delay emptying my history on my iPad because it takes so long to get back to posting on DL. I had to finally do it because my iPad was getting crazy. It's been two days already. I've signed in at least 20 times, but I still can't get back to posting yet. I understand some people get shitcanned for being ff'd but for Christ sakes, when all we've done is clear the damn browser for the first time in months, can't we get back in before signing in &I out 500 times?

by Anonymousreply 419March 9, 2018 8:12 PM

I really like observing squirrels.

by Anonymousreply 420March 9, 2018 8:21 PM

I hate squirrels. They steal all my birdseed. The birds eat and fly off, then come back before dusk to refuel, but the fucking squirrels spent all day, sun up to sun down, grabbing seed and burying it somewhere. They dig up my gardens - even my window boxes - to bury a cheekful of millet. Bastards.

by Anonymousreply 421March 9, 2018 8:37 PM

A friend is coming over tonight to watch one of the 3 following movies:

Xanadu Can't Stop the Music The Sweetest Thing

Which one to choose??

by Anonymousreply 422March 9, 2018 9:40 PM

What, no Ishtar, R422? No Heavens Gate? Waterworld?

by Anonymousreply 423March 9, 2018 9:53 PM

And the winner was-Can't Stop The Music! Do the shake!

by Anonymousreply 424March 10, 2018 11:42 AM

I just had a very loose bowel movement.

by Anonymousreply 425March 10, 2018 12:50 PM

I know I'm going to hell for laughing about this. Someone I follow on Twitter posted a link to a PETA article about horse racing, and the summary said, "Behind the romanticized façade of thoroughbred horse racing is a world of injuries, drug abuse, gruesome breakdowns, and slaughter." I know that by "drug abuse" they mean horses being given performance-enhancing drugs or whatever, but I have this image in my head of a horse who's been seduced by the darker side of the racing industry and is shooting up heroin.

by Anonymousreply 426March 11, 2018 11:50 PM

squirrels = death

by Anonymousreply 427March 12, 2018 12:39 PM

My toe = so sore and tender to the touch.

by Anonymousreply 428March 12, 2018 5:14 PM

Having late dinner tonight with my straight crush. That's if the weather doesn't skunk us afuckingain.

by Anonymousreply 429March 12, 2018 7:23 PM

I don't know how to change a tire. I need to change my tire.

by Anonymousreply 430March 12, 2018 7:38 PM

I bought a scratchcard today but didn't win. I knew I wouldn't but there was a brief moment of hope. I'm not desperately poor but I need new glasses, some dental work and for a plumber to sort out my leaking shower. I'm not greedy, a £1000 would had been enough. I'm just going to have to save up.

by Anonymousreply 431March 12, 2018 7:48 PM

I can’t adjust to the time change yet. It’s messing up my stride, It feels like it’s 11:30, but it’s really now 12:30. I should be in bed instead of DL.

by Anonymousreply 432March 14, 2018 4:40 AM

R427 wasn’t her name Rose? I completely forget her name.

by Anonymousreply 433March 14, 2018 4:43 AM

r427 here. I believe you are right about her name, but I am no longer sure.

by Anonymousreply 434March 14, 2018 12:40 PM

I think I broke my guts with hot pepper flakes.

I'm going to die here on the toilet in agony.

by Anonymousreply 435March 14, 2018 8:35 PM

I bought a new iPad with 128g to replace my old one with 16g. Huge improvement in the battery life. My old iPad died after 3 hours. I get 10-12 hours on this new one. And it cost less than the old one, on sale in Best Buy.

But I can't post on Datalounge, lol. Gonna have to wait a couple of months I guess.

by Anonymousreply 436March 14, 2018 8:49 PM

I wish my nephew would stop smoking.

by Anonymousreply 437March 14, 2018 8:50 PM

I found this thing in one of the kitchen drawers. It was there when I moved in to this property last month. It looks like a bath plug but with a metal attachment. I tried it in the bath but it doesn't fit. I don't know what it is.

by Anonymousreply 438March 14, 2018 8:52 PM

Does it fit in the kitchen sink drain?

by Anonymousreply 439March 14, 2018 8:59 PM

I somehow broke a chunck out of my thumbnail three weeks ago. Filed it down but it was all slanted.

It has returned to normal now.

by Anonymousreply 440March 14, 2018 9:02 PM

r439, the Underwhelmed threads are not interactive. They are non-sequiturial.

by Anonymousreply 441March 14, 2018 9:04 PM

I need to go to the post office to pick up a letter there and i don't wanna go because the post office is such a pain. You have to queue for ages and then everyone there is always either fat, gross, ugly, smelly, retarded or all those things at once. I also think the letter is some paperwork from my downstairs neighbors' insurance accusing me of flooding that old bitch when i didn't.

by Anonymousreply 442March 14, 2018 9:05 PM

My neighbor's dog is badly trained and releases its bowels on the sidewalk. Because my fat, smelly neighbor is too lazy to walk his Great Dane 500 feet to some grass.

by Anonymousreply 443March 14, 2018 9:05 PM

I am making an appearance for jury duty this week.

They never pick me.

I will bring a book.

by Anonymousreply 444March 14, 2018 10:07 PM

I think I'll make a proper pot of tea today and just relax.

by Anonymousreply 445March 17, 2018 5:28 PM

P.U. I really stink. But I don't care. Not taking a shower.

by Anonymousreply 446March 17, 2018 7:45 PM

^Judgers can all go blow various dead bears!

by Anonymousreply 447March 17, 2018 7:50 PM

You know what really grinds my gears? Eponymous albums. Are you seriously telling me you can't think of a more interesting title than your own name? It's even worse when the same artist has more than one of them. Whitney's Houston's first album is called Whitney Houston, and her second is called Whitney. Kylie Minogue has one album called Kylie and another called Kylie Minogue.

by Anonymousreply 448March 17, 2018 9:31 PM

We agree, R448.

by Anonymousreply 449March 18, 2018 1:22 AM

This year will be the same as last year - warm February, freezing cold spring.

by Anonymousreply 450March 18, 2018 2:52 PM

Today is my Saturday. I had to do an online test for a job application and tomorrow I’m getting a root canal. Plus my partner has been coughing his lungs out for a week. What a shitty weekend.

by Anonymousreply 451March 18, 2018 8:32 PM

The guy who installed my new furnace told me the insulation under my double-wide needs to be re-stapled.

that was nice of him.

by Anonymousreply 452March 18, 2018 8:52 PM

My dog pissed in the house 3 times today. I'm going to look for a recipe for maltipoo stew.

by Anonymousreply 453March 18, 2018 9:24 PM

Your dog needs to go to the vet

by Anonymousreply 454March 19, 2018 1:48 AM

There are a crazy little Carolina wren flitting around the outside of my house, making insanely loud whirring and buzzing and calling sounds. He pops up on every bush, railing, stump -- whatever he can find and just yells like crazy. He found out I throw peanuts outside to the other birds and I think he's trying to force me to give him all the peanuts, or else.

by Anonymousreply 455March 19, 2018 5:25 PM

I've got a shard of popcorn kernel in my gum surrounding my right cuspid.

It hurts. I brushed my teeth and when my brush touched it, the pain caused my hair to stand on end.

I dig and dig and dig at it...I used floss, too. I suppose the floss pushed it further in.

by Anonymousreply 456March 21, 2018 11:03 PM

R456 Rinse with warm salt water

by Anonymousreply 457March 22, 2018 1:52 AM

Adam Rippon is the guest DJ on Ellen today. He said he loves Oyster Bay wine and said they sent him 4 cases of wine. He then said it was "like 12 bottles of wine." Uhm, there's 12 BOTTLES to a CASE. That's 48 BOTTLES, you dimwit!

by Anonymousreply 458March 22, 2018 7:09 PM

I feel so tender to the touch.

by Anonymousreply 459March 28, 2018 10:09 PM

All these Jews at my job are so lucky - of course the ones born after 1943, they get so many days off

by Anonymousreply 460March 29, 2018 9:57 PM

The BBC flashed up a breaking news announcement that Prince Philip is going into hospital for planned hip surgery. If it's planned, then why is it breaking news, you drama queens?

by Anonymousreply 461April 3, 2018 3:47 PM

listening to madonna

by Anonymousreply 462April 3, 2018 3:53 PM

The guy I'm "talking to" takes 6+ hours to get back to me

by Anonymousreply 463April 3, 2018 3:54 PM

The specialist I am going is attracted to me because he checks me out when he thinks I am not looking. I am attracted to him as well, but I am hesitant to do anything because of the doctor/patient relationship. I have one more visit. I guess I will leave it alone and hope for the best.

by Anonymousreply 464April 3, 2018 4:21 PM

Based on the Friday the 13th thread-I'm gonna start watching them in order tonight.

by Anonymousreply 465April 3, 2018 10:08 PM

2 nites ago I dreamed I was in a nude reality show with pornstar josh Weston and Justin beiber. it was great fun, then some huge fight erupted and naked in the street were dozens of boys really fighting like cats.

over all. good. had wet dream.

by Anonymousreply 466April 3, 2018 10:14 PM

A new Aldi just opened near my house. I thought of DL as soon as I saw it.

by Anonymousreply 467April 3, 2018 10:48 PM

I prefer to eat a hot dog on a piece of bread instead of a bun.

by Anonymousreply 468April 3, 2018 11:18 PM

There are 2 deep purple crocuses coming up in my garden bed. I’ve never planted crocuses.

by Anonymousreply 469April 6, 2018 8:52 PM

R430 Loosen the lug nuts before you jack the car up. (Speaking from humiliating experience.)

by Anonymousreply 470April 6, 2018 8:58 PM

Birthday oysters and porchetta

by Anonymousreply 471April 6, 2018 10:37 PM

r469 Squirrels.

by Anonymousreply 472April 6, 2018 11:11 PM

[quote] OP: I'm pretty sure my toilet seat is haunted. The things that hold the lid to the seat keep popping up on their own.

I bought the Kohler “quiet close”. The lid and seat are both on springs, so, when you lower either, they don’t slam down. They instead slowly close down. So, there’s no jarring noise. It’s especially good for men who have a partner who would otherwise be disturbed by the noise.

I like it so much, I installed one in my sister’s guest room.

by Anonymousreply 473April 7, 2018 1:36 AM

AAA will change a tire for you, if you have a membership. Also, watch them do it, for craps sake, for next time.

by Anonymousreply 474April 7, 2018 1:38 AM

R473: Your sister's guest room has a toilet in it?? Does she live in Appalachia?

by Anonymousreply 475April 8, 2018 12:33 AM

No, dum-dum. The bath is off the guest bedroom.

My sis has since sold that place and moved. She took the toilet seat with her.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 476April 8, 2018 12:47 AM

R475 where do you live that you never heard of an en suite?

by Anonymousreply 477April 8, 2018 1:09 AM

My electric company tells me I use less energy than similar neighbors. That’s satisfying, in a pointless way.

by Anonymousreply 478April 8, 2018 2:11 AM

R477 — But no one ever SAID it was [italic]en suite.[/italic] All that was stated was "I installed one in my sister’s guest room"—not [italic]en suite,[/italic] but GUEST ROOM.

Judging from some of the comments I've read on DL, having a toilet in one's guest room might be considered [italic]de rigueur[/italic] in some less…fashionable…neighborhoods, and I was curious to know if this might be the case here.

That said, perhaps having a toilet in the guest room itself would save extra steps in the middle of the night and be more convenient.

by Anonymousreply 479April 8, 2018 5:26 PM

My vacuum cleaner is lying in the mddle of living room beside a storage box containing Christmas cards and a pack of antihistamines. I should probably do something about that, but I’m going to wash the bathroom floor instead..

by Anonymousreply 480April 8, 2018 5:35 PM

It’s still way too cold. And I’m not telling you where I am.

by Anonymousreply 481April 8, 2018 6:17 PM

Pfil, r481.

by Anonymousreply 482April 8, 2018 8:39 PM

The snow has finally disappeared so I washed my car today. Then it started raining.

by Anonymousreply 483April 22, 2018 8:33 AM

I'm making nest ledges for Barn Swallows tonight. I hope they nest on my patio.

by Anonymousreply 484April 24, 2018 12:25 AM

Cut flowers do all right in my apartment, but hydrangeas expire within 12-24 hours.

by Anonymousreply 485April 24, 2018 12:59 AM

R484 - your patio is in a barn?

by Anonymousreply 486April 24, 2018 12:06 PM

I have mislaid my keys.

But I have a spare set and am using those.

by Anonymousreply 487April 24, 2018 5:09 PM

For the first time in weeks I have absolutely nothing planned for today. It's kind of foggy out (SoCal coast) and I'm going to stay indoors all day in my PJs. There's a New York strip steak in the fridge that I'm going to have for lunch and I just made a bloody mary. Later on I might take a nap. I'll intersperse the action with a marathon of Judge Judy programs I've DVR'd over the past couple of weeks. If all this isn't underwhelming, I don't know what is.

by Anonymousreply 488April 24, 2018 7:24 PM

[quote]I'm so lazy today I probably won't even jack off

Just in case you do:

Pics please.

by Anonymousreply 489April 25, 2018 11:38 AM

I really have to clean the inside of my car but it’s raining. I had to go somewhere and hand it over to a valet and I was mortified. It’s got all that winter dirt on the floor coverings and dust on the dashboard.

by Anonymousreply 490April 27, 2018 4:00 PM

Hydrangeas must be cut on a bias. When you get them from a store, cut them again when you get home, then stick the bottoms in powdered alum for about 1/4 to 1/2 inch. Alum is found in the spice section of supermarkets.

If you are cutting your own hydrangeas you have to take a bucket of water outside with you and immediately put the hydrangea stems in water. When you get into the house, recut stems on a bias, stick in alum, then put in water.

by Anonymousreply 491April 27, 2018 4:09 PM

r491 gives good whelm.

by Anonymousreply 492April 27, 2018 4:22 PM

Just made Marcella's Tomato Sauce #3, the newer version with 5 TB of butter instead of 8.

by Anonymousreply 493April 27, 2018 4:24 PM

Does anyone ever play Frisbee still?

by Anonymousreply 494May 3, 2018 6:56 AM

Still have not found my keys

by Anonymousreply 495May 3, 2018 7:18 AM

I’m trying to learn oracle bone script.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 496May 3, 2018 7:19 AM

You're whelming my last nerve r495.

by Anonymousreply 497May 3, 2018 12:07 PM

I wish it were socially acceptable to go to a trampoline centre as an adult.

by Anonymousreply 498May 4, 2018 3:25 PM

No one has ever seen me cum and I was in a relationship for 16 years.

by Anonymousreply 499May 5, 2018 2:29 AM

I found my keys.

They were in the kitchen, not my bedroom.

by Anonymousreply 500May 5, 2018 6:59 AM

I can now breath a sigh of relief, r495/r500.

by Anonymousreply 501May 5, 2018 7:07 AM

Thank you, R501.

I did have a spare set, so it wasn't too overwhelming.

by Anonymousreply 502May 5, 2018 7:11 AM

Again, the Underwhelmed threads are non-interactive. This a rhetorical, non-sequiturial thread. This is your last warning.

by Anonymousreply 503May 5, 2018 7:15 AM
Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 504May 5, 2018 7:18 AM

R486, Barn Swallows don't nest exclusively in barns. Anyway, there are fewer barns in the US than there used to be, with developments and Big Ag.

They're grateful for a roof with fly-through space; so they're happy to make do with patio with a roof and a shelf like structure close to the patio ceiling.

So yeah, "go know".

by Anonymousreply 505May 6, 2018 5:54 PM

Increasingly, I've been getting chicken that is not very tender. A Costco rotisserie chicken with tough, rubbery meat. Trader Joe's chicken breast strips that felt like biting through a wad of rubber bands, chicken at a local Texas chain that didn't even feel like food. It's literally inedible.

I'm low carb, and I avoid red meat, but I can't remember ever getting so much bad chicken as in the last four months or so.

by Anonymousreply 506May 10, 2018 4:06 PM

One of "my" adult male Purple Martins was hit by a car this morning. I buried him with a handful of flowers, under a patch of Texas Frogfruit, below their Purple Martin apartment.

I don't know if his mate has laid eggs yet, but if he has, they're all but doomed as one bird can't raise a family by itself.

He flew all the way from the Brazilian rainforest and died in the street.

by Anonymousreply 507May 10, 2018 8:43 PM

She*, obviously!

by Anonymousreply 508May 10, 2018 8:45 PM

My mother used to call me “skinny malink melodeon bones.” It just popped into my head so I googled it and it turns out to be a song, but the line is actually, “skinny malink melodeon legs.”

by Anonymousreply 509May 10, 2018 10:07 PM

R506, do you have access to a Wegman’s?

Their rotisserie chickens are the moistest and best tasting I’ve had (of supermarket brands).

They only run about $5 or $6, which surprised me.

by Anonymousreply 510May 10, 2018 11:21 PM

The central utility closet in my condo smells like rancid grease.

I don’t know how I can go on.

by Anonymousreply 511May 10, 2018 11:22 PM

My Siberian Husky killed a rat in the garden, but fortunately didn't try to eat it or play with it. Good Husky!

by Anonymousreply 512May 10, 2018 11:24 PM

[quote]The central utility closet

WTF is a "central utility closet"?

by Anonymousreply 513May 10, 2018 11:25 PM

I should do laundry.

by Anonymousreply 514May 10, 2018 11:27 PM

The closet that has the AC and heat tank in it, r513.

by Anonymousreply 515May 10, 2018 11:29 PM

Have I told you about my bed-time bladder situation?

by Anonymousreply 516May 10, 2018 11:33 PM

^ I expressed about half a pint TWICE last night.

Around 2am and then again at 5.30am.

by Anonymousreply 517May 11, 2018 12:30 AM

You have an enlarged prostate

by Anonymousreply 518May 11, 2018 12:49 AM

underwhelm [transitive verb] : to fail to impress or stimulate

by Anonymousreply 519May 11, 2018 12:55 AM

I saw a lizard egg today while pulling weeds.

by Anonymousreply 520May 11, 2018 2:31 AM

Annette Benning looks like a nun.

by Anonymousreply 521May 11, 2018 4:05 AM

I have never liked or craved water.

Lately I have been drinking water with meals, rather than other beverages.

by Anonymousreply 522May 11, 2018 5:31 AM

I pulled a few weeds too. Halogeton glomeratus is a virulent pest, but at least they have shallow roots so they come up easily.

by Anonymousreply 523May 11, 2018 5:32 AM

My Asian boyfriend made me an Asian meal that was rather bland. I added a bit of soy sauce and sriracha to it, and he was annoyed, and thought I was being too excessive, but he always thinks that. Later, he was annoyed that the sink drainer fell into the sink and was passive aggressively blaming me for it. I'm usually the annoyed one, so it's weird when he does this.

I'm hiding from him and reading DL.

by Anonymousreply 524May 11, 2018 5:36 AM

I had a very dramatic and horrible month last month, so May is really all about underwhelming. 10 days in, and I'm doing great. Finished up a bunch of stuff at work, and have been doing lots of walking, enjoying the boredom for once.

by Anonymousreply 525May 11, 2018 5:39 AM

Soy sauce is always a good idea.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 526May 11, 2018 5:47 AM

[quote]r524 Later, he was annoyed that the sink drainer fell into the sink and was passive aggressively blaming me for it.

LOCK 'IM UP!

by Anonymousreply 527May 11, 2018 6:00 AM

Notice you can’t skip ads in 4 seconds anymore.

by Anonymousreply 528May 15, 2018 3:33 AM

When I sit still, I fall asleep.

by Anonymousreply 529May 15, 2018 3:37 AM

I realized today that banks do not rent SAFETY deposit boxes, but SAFE deposit boxes.

by Anonymousreply 530May 15, 2018 3:52 AM

I played Soda Crush for hours and ate Cheerios for dinner tonight.

by Anonymousreply 531May 15, 2018 3:55 AM

I had chowmein for lunch.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 532May 15, 2018 7:15 AM

I'm skylinephobic.

by Anonymousreply 533May 16, 2018 5:39 AM

-R532- Tell us what your breath and your farts smelled like after sucking down all that spicy GOOP!

by Anonymousreply 534May 16, 2018 9:19 PM

I'm trying to go low carb after reading yet another desperate, quick weight-loss thread on DL.

I had a banana for breakfast and I had a few Rold Gold Tiny Twists pretzels this afternoon, but I don't think I totally blew it. But I'm not going to post this confession on that thread.

by Anonymousreply 535May 16, 2018 10:47 PM

Just got back from Washington DC. Wanted to see the Sally Mann exhibit, which was heavy but good and made me a bit weepy. The Degas portraits were meh. Ate lunch at the Sculpture Garden cafe (roast beef with horseradish sauce and a green salad) and people watched. Lovely day. Washington's a great town to be a tourist.

by Anonymousreply 536May 16, 2018 11:03 PM

Just ordered a case of San Pellegrino.

by Anonymousreply 537May 17, 2018 12:42 AM

[quote]Washington's a great town to be a tourist.

As long as you let people pass on the left on Metro escalators.

by Anonymousreply 538May 17, 2018 12:43 AM

[quote] Ate lunch at the Sculpture Garden cafe (roast beef with horseradish sauce and a green salad) and people watched. Lovely day.

People watched you eat roast beef?

by Anonymousreply 539May 17, 2018 12:31 PM

As I headed into my car today, I realized I didn't have a quarter for the Aldi cart. I hurried back inside and grabbed two quarters from a fairly large change dish and jumped into the car.

I got to Aldi and realized I had actually had not quarters, but an English fifty-pence coin and an Indian rupee. The only non-American coins in a dish filled with about a hundred dollars worth of American coins.

by Anonymousreply 540May 17, 2018 3:11 PM

The Indian rupee unlocked the cart!

by Anonymousreply 541May 17, 2018 3:14 PM

The door on my less than one year old fridge creaks. It's this trumpety, farty sounding sort of creak. It's very annoying. I oiled the hinge that's causing it with some 3-N-1 household but it didn't work. I AM NOT ABOUT TO RUN OUT TO BUY SILICONE LUBRICANT AND REMOVE THE DAMNED DOOR JUST TO SQUEEZE SOME UP INTO THE GD HINGE.

by Anonymousreply 542May 18, 2018 6:00 AM

Someone's banging something.

by Anonymousreply 543May 18, 2018 5:53 PM

[QUOTE]Someone's banging something.

Pics please.

by Anonymousreply 544May 18, 2018 7:16 PM

There are a total of sixteen Purple Martin eggs in the Purple Martin apartment. Two couples have five and one couple has six.

by Anonymousreply 545May 19, 2018 3:29 PM

R542, just spray it with some Pam.

by Anonymousreply 546May 19, 2018 3:29 PM

I was using self checkout in target and I happened to look up and see my reflection in the security mirror. It took my last bit of energy to not burst out crying at the pale, fat faced monster looking back at me.

by Anonymousreply 547May 20, 2018 4:04 AM

Now now, dear. I'm sure you were perfectly lovely.

No one looks good under those florescent lights!!

by Anonymousreply 548May 20, 2018 6:07 AM

I'm going to have a wank.

by Anonymousreply 549May 20, 2018 6:28 AM

Woke up early. Not so early I'm going to whine about how I woke up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep, but early enough that I don't want to make coffee yet.

by Anonymousreply 550May 20, 2018 9:47 AM

Just finished a big bowl of beef and broccoli for 6am meal. Some call it breakfast.

by Anonymousreply 551May 20, 2018 11:24 AM

Finally made, and drank, coffee.

by Anonymousreply 552May 20, 2018 11:26 AM

Don't push it, R550. Slow and steady wins the race...

by Anonymousreply 553May 22, 2018 1:22 AM

I just put an acrylic sweater in the dryer on HIGH with a bunch of other clothes.

If I remember to take it out in 15 mins. while still damp, it will be fine.

by Anonymousreply 554May 22, 2018 1:24 AM

The first iris bloomed today. 21 May.

by Anonymousreply 555May 22, 2018 1:36 AM

We never had that week at the end of April when the dandelions and violets appear together on some lawns.

by Anonymousreply 556May 22, 2018 1:37 AM

I'm boiling pasta, ziti.

by Anonymousreply 557May 22, 2018 1:38 AM

I hope it is GOOD ziti

by Anonymousreply 558May 22, 2018 1:43 AM

You've got your spider out, don't you, R557?

by Anonymousreply 559May 22, 2018 1:46 AM

Target security mirrors at self checkout could be used at Gitmo as torture devices they distort faces so much.

by Anonymousreply 560May 22, 2018 4:44 PM

I’m still struggling with Classical Chinese, but I shall not be defeated.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 561May 23, 2018 3:25 AM

I realized the other day a pack of matches has 20 in it.

There are 20 cigarettes to a pack.

They are designed as a matching set.

by Anonymousreply 562May 23, 2018 5:53 AM

I’m still sore after a “procedure” on Monday.

by Anonymousreply 563May 23, 2018 5:54 AM

I can’t stop sneezing

by Anonymousreply 564May 23, 2018 3:21 PM

Had lovely ziti! I extracted it from the boil with tongs!

by Anonymousreply 565May 23, 2018 5:17 PM

My dresser drawer began sticking, a virtual trial by fire.

Just now I gathered a hammer, some little nails...and emptied and removed it.

A few nails along the back and the drawer is closing smoothly again.

by Anonymousreply 566May 23, 2018 7:36 PM

Just changed my oil and put in windshield wiper fluid. I threw away some receipts that were on the floor of the backseat. It's muggy.

by Anonymousreply 567May 25, 2018 7:24 PM

Yesterday at my job, I was stalked in the parking lot by a deranged nurse. Chick was fucked up.

by Anonymousreply 568May 25, 2018 7:33 PM

I rented a dumpster for the first time in my life.

by Anonymousreply 569May 26, 2018 6:08 PM

I like in Paper Moon when Addie says "I think I'll go polish muh shooze."

by Anonymousreply 570May 26, 2018 6:18 PM

My stepsister just announced her engagement. Great for her, but my brother is also engaged. Now I'll have to go to two wedding a 10 hour flight away quite close together.

by Anonymousreply 571May 27, 2018 7:19 AM

I'm gonna jerk off and change the cat litter, in that order.

by Anonymousreply 572May 29, 2018 1:40 AM

I just found out that Tom Ford has a parfum called ‘Fucking Fabulous’.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 573May 29, 2018 10:05 AM

I was attacked by a black bird while I was walking into the building where I work this morning.

A decidedly whelming moment.

by Anonymousreply 574May 29, 2018 12:09 PM

I'm on the east coast waiting or the sun to shine through overcast.

by Anonymousreply 575May 29, 2018 12:19 PM

Cornelia Frances has died. For those of us who grew up watching old-school Home and Away, this is the first of twelve official days of mourning.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 576May 29, 2018 8:32 PM

I was a stutterer, but I carry no shame.

by Anonymousreply 577May 29, 2018 9:05 PM

I was going to plant shrubbery, but it just too hot.

by Anonymousreply 578May 29, 2018 9:12 PM

I gave in to temptation today and ordered a BLT at a diner (but no fries). It was terrible. Bacon had been lying around for hours. Now i’ll Have to try again.

by Anonymousreply 579May 29, 2018 9:17 PM

Concerned about a weird "pain" in my side that's not really a pain but there's something not quite right so to cope I took a Mexican Valium.

by Anonymousreply 580May 29, 2018 9:18 PM

i just an entire bag of Reece's white chocolate peanut butter cups.

by Anonymousreply 581May 29, 2018 11:27 PM

Fifteen baby Purple Martins today. It's very hot in Texas. I hope they all make it.

by Anonymousreply 582May 30, 2018 1:51 PM

[QUOTE]Fifteen baby Purple Martins today.

Wow, you eat a lot.

by Anonymousreply 583May 30, 2018 3:29 PM

I wish threads ended at 400. After 400 posts my phone crashes.

by Anonymousreply 584June 1, 2018 3:21 AM

Aldi sold me a shiopping cart for 25¢.

by Anonymousreply 585June 2, 2018 5:31 AM

My air conditioner is out of the juice that makes the air cold.

by Anonymousreply 586June 2, 2018 5:41 AM

I want to masturbate but I'm waiting for the air conditioner repairman. I know they'll show up just as I'm starting and I'd hate to have to stop.

by Anonymousreply 587June 4, 2018 7:19 PM

[quote]Fifteen baby Purple Martins today.

Did he really leap over that many fire hydrants?!?

by Anonymousreply 588June 4, 2018 7:33 PM

I wish European shoe sizes were more accurate. I ordered a Euro 45 and they are too big even though it matches my shoe size on all the charts.

by Anonymousreply 589June 4, 2018 8:47 PM

I caught the flu bug a few days ago and I've been on NyQuil. I dunno what's up with this NyQuil but it's given me explosive diarrhea - I've lost a few pounds from it all.

by Anonymousreply 590June 4, 2018 9:16 PM

I signed up for basic digital NYT subscription during a promo last year. The promo ended and the price doubled. I contacted them and very sadly and politely told them I was going to have to cancel my subscription and they gave me back the half price rate.

by Anonymousreply 591June 5, 2018 3:21 PM

Went to Costco for lunch. Pizza. Food samples were disappointing (cheese and crackers and almond flour crackers). Stopped at Marshall's on the way home and bought some new earbuds.

Now I'm in bed with the laptops (computer and pug) and will probably nap in a bit.

by Anonymousreply 592June 5, 2018 4:53 PM

I have to go dig some holes. Wish me luck.

by Anonymousreply 593June 5, 2018 5:19 PM

I didn't have to work last night. I'm currently fucked up and surfing DL, catching up on things. I've missed DL's wit and wisdom.

by Anonymousreply 594June 7, 2018 3:32 PM

Just too tired to dress and go to a Belmont party at four.

by Anonymousreply 595June 9, 2018 2:58 PM

I just ate macaroni salad for breakfast and it was delightful.

by Anonymousreply 596June 9, 2018 3:04 PM

After I get up in the morning I have to wait until I sneeze for an hour before getting anything done.

by Anonymousreply 597June 9, 2018 3:30 PM

I made a strawberry pie and decided to add an extra graham cracker to the crust recipe and then added a little extra butter and sugar, too. For some reason, it completely changed the texture of the crust and it became too hard when baked.

It still tastes good, but it's too hard.

by Anonymousreply 598June 9, 2018 3:51 PM

Take your pie back to bed with you.

The day is ruined [bold]: (

by Anonymousreply 599June 9, 2018 4:30 PM

The Purple Martins are staying strong; lost one runt, may lose another one in a different nest. Temps in the mid-90s for the next ten days so they should be alright.

by Anonymousreply 600June 9, 2018 4:43 PM
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