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I Want To Be Underwhelmed, pt. 307,904

Please, share the excruciating minutiae of your lives.

I'll start: I'm pretty sure my toilet seat is haunted. The things that hold the lid to the seat keep popping up on their own.

replies 267Sep 16, 2017 7:38 PM +00:00

I took a nap and dreamed my mother had 42 cats. I yelled at her about it and vomited up my heart and one of her cats ate it. Earlier today I mowed my yard before it started raining.

replies 1Sep 16, 2017 7:44 PM +00:00

Today I had to buy my boss his lunch, stupid guy invited me to lunch and his credit card got denied...

so underwhelmed...

--My boss eats like a truck driver. He ordered so much!
replies 2Sep 16, 2017 7:48 PM +00:00

I'm eating yogurt with a fork because I'm too lazy to do the dishes so I'd have a clean spoon.

replies 3Sep 18, 2017 2:08 PM +00:00

I worry I'm so in credit-card debt I'll lose my house.

replies 4Sep 18, 2017 2:35 PM +00:00

I am doing laundry.

replies 5Sep 18, 2017 2:51 PM +00:00

I have a stomach ache

replies 6Sep 18, 2017 3:03 PM +00:00

Watching football and nursing a burgeoning sinus infection

--Yay Me
replies 7Sep 18, 2017 3:38 PM +00:00

I rearranged the furniture and art in my "loft" garage and now everything looks great, but I don't have a place to eat meals. My dining set is now a hall table and I had to put my bowflex in the kitchen area so I'd use it.

My bathroom setup was awesome - if you were willing to poop sitting sideways.

replies 8Sep 18, 2017 3:50 PM +00:00

r8, is your toilet a fire hydrant?

replies 9Sep 18, 2017 3:54 PM +00:00

Unfortunately, no, R9.

replies 10Sep 18, 2017 3:58 PM +00:00

I clipped my toenails last night.

replies 11Sep 18, 2017 8:02 PM +00:00

I miss my DL Strapping Guy beau hunk. Where he at?

Too much fastfood has my bony ass ballooning like an orange fuhrer fucktard.

--Anonymous in Kansas City
replies 12Sep 18, 2017 8:57 PM +00:00

I just felt something crawling on my shoulder and brushed it off freaked out before I realized it was a Lady Bug. Did I ruin the good luck?

replies 13Sep 22, 2017 8:11 AM +00:00

I met at least 3 different "total top" on a gay dating site" I exchanged pics with these 3 guys . and all 3 of them were very eager to hook up with me tonight.But as soon as I told them that I am a versatile bottom , they disappeared within a sec without a trace . Why the hell a total top" would pissed off by a versatile bottom ?

Now I have changed my profile and have explicitly mentioned "versatile bottom" in sexual position so that some fake total tops will not waste my time .

replies 14Sep 22, 2017 8:23 AM +00:00

I'm eating a 7/8 ounce size bag of Cheetos for lunch.

replies 15Sep 22, 2017 8:35 AM +00:00
pt. 307,904

I find that whelming OP.

--Kindly watch that.
replies 16Sep 22, 2017 8:38 AM +00:00

There's a little plastic sprocket on my office printer that keeps breaking because this is a government operation and we always order cheap shit. So I'm debating cutting out our tedious Supply Department process and making a quick spec drawing and have the machine shop make me a bunch of new ones out of aluminum or better plastic, or buying one myself from Office Depot.

If the frau in Logistics makes me write a work order for the sprockets and I end up having to buy a printer out of my own pocket, so help me I'm taking it with me when I retire next year.

replies 17Sep 22, 2017 8:53 AM +00:00

Couldn't you just shoot up the place r17?

replies 18Sep 22, 2017 9:09 AM +00:00

I just took a 3ft dump and the log was very gray. Am I dying?

replies 19Sep 22, 2017 10:13 PM +00:00

I continued to ignore the Jeremy Renner threads; I was mildly interested, but could not have kept up with how quickly they progressed. Today I decided to read one. Holy shit, could not understand what was happening. Talk of older threads being shut down because of his personal info being shared, talk o father him being gay, talk of him being involved with a (female?) fan/stalker, etc. The posters were using words and language that seemed to belong to them and them alone.

If there's anyone out there in the know who can explain what's going on with Renner, please do. (Or perhaps my interpretation of it above is somewhat accurate...)

replies 20Sep 23, 2017 1:05 AM +00:00

I've just been woken up by my neighbour mowing the lawn. I'll get out of bed in a minute, and have leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm a bit ashamed about that. Later, I'm going to go to the farmer's market to buy some leeks.

replies 21Sep 23, 2017 1:14 AM +00:00

This is a military base, R17. Guns are forbidden. Well, except at the base Post Office.

replies 22Sep 23, 2017 3:44 AM +00:00

I am grading the third set of four sets of papers. Meanwhile, I just picked up three sets of new papers yesterday.

There is a math question somewhere in there.

replies 23Sep 23, 2017 3:51 AM +00:00

I bought a couple of resin Adirondack chairs on sale at a hardware store. They're the most comfortable chairs I've ever owned.

replies 24Sep 23, 2017 4:02 AM +00:00

r20, re-read the directions.

replies 25Sep 23, 2017 5:19 PM +00:00

Both my wisdom teeth on my lower jaw are starting to emerge from below the gumline. I'm 38 years old. My jaw hurts, the inside of my cheeks are sore like I just blew up a balloon and my ears feel funny. It feels like my lower jaw is being subtly stretched and it has a dull ache. I looked in the mirror and opened my mouth and looked with a flashlight and holy shit i'm slowly getting two new back molars.

The wisdom tooth on my left upper side grew in perfectly straight when I was 33 years old. Now i'm getting two more teeth at 38 years old. I feel like a cranky teething baby.

replies 26Sep 23, 2017 5:37 PM +00:00

R21 I bought leeks at the farmers market today.

replies 27Sep 23, 2017 5:50 PM +00:00

I hate this psycho cunt at my work - she's an absolute unstable butch. Nasty too. The shit I've had to put up with from her .... I haven't retaliated but want to so badly

replies 28Sep 23, 2017 6:08 PM +00:00

When my boyfriend and I were shaving each other in the shower this morning, I told him I hated his chicken salad and wanted something else for lunch instead. He got made at me. I ate an orange instead.

replies 29Sep 23, 2017 6:10 PM +00:00

The highlight of my day was learning that my cheap blender had no problem with an apple for a smoothie I was making.

replies 30Sep 23, 2017 6:13 PM +00:00

My cat is pregnant again.

The fat, greedy whore!

replies 31Sep 23, 2017 6:15 PM +00:00

R26 Take them out, toots. If they're already impacted they can be easy to yank. Plus you'll have rainy day pain pills that will last for a year or more!

replies 32Sep 23, 2017 6:16 PM +00:00

I had a dream that I impregnated Kathy Bates. I was horrified about going broke to pay child support.

Yes, I'm a gay male.

--Yes, I really dreamt it!
replies 33Sep 23, 2017 6:18 PM +00:00

Panera tomato soup is pretty good, if you add a lot of salt.

I found this out today.

replies 34Sep 23, 2017 6:25 PM +00:00

I have a bad mailman who only reads the house number but not the name of the streets so he regularly delivers mail to the wrong house. Today the woman at the wrong house revealed herself as she personally showed up with my mis delivered mailed. She thought it would be important as it appeared to be a paycheck. I didn't have the heart to tell her about this thing called direct deposit.

replies 35Sep 23, 2017 6:33 PM +00:00

I'm getting ready for bed; mass is tomorrow at 8:00am. I'll watch some gay porn to relax.

--.....and I almost became a priest.
replies 36Sep 23, 2017 6:33 PM +00:00

You'd fit right in, R36.

replies 37Sep 24, 2017 2:42 AM +00:00

I farted in an elevator today.

replies 38Sep 24, 2017 6:30 PM +00:00

I had to buy a new phone today. I spent the afternoon fiddling with the settings.

replies 39Sep 24, 2017 6:44 PM +00:00

I didn't fold the laundry today.

replies 40Sep 24, 2017 9:46 PM +00:00

I got up at noon and made coffee. Then I took a nap. The cat napped next to me. That was the whole day until dinner.

replies 41Sep 24, 2017 9:54 PM +00:00

I stood on my phone yesterday, and it's probably beyond repair. I'm really pissed off about it. I need to get a new one today.

replies 42Sep 25, 2017 12:20 AM +00:00

The sun is down. Earlier it was up.

replies 43Sep 25, 2017 7:42 PM +00:00


replies 44Sep 25, 2017 7:43 PM +00:00

One of my dogs is chewing her foot vigorously with her ass pressed against my arm.

replies 45Sep 25, 2017 8:19 PM +00:00

I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

replies 46Sep 25, 2017 10:16 PM +00:00

A fly came in through the window.

replies 47Sep 25, 2017 10:18 PM +00:00

My new, very expensive (for me) engineered underwear systems are line drying. It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

It's phase I of new stuff: "I'll treat it with care and follow the wash instructions". By next year, I'll be throwing them in the dryer with socks and washcloths.

replies 48Sep 26, 2017 4:32 AM +00:00
It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

Dear god, how wet are you?

replies 49Sep 26, 2017 4:54 AM +00:00

It's the season of the witch..Halloween. Can't wait for the horror flicks to start playing non-stop.

Also waiting for my first glass of eggnog. Is it too soon?

Mmm. Tangerines. Let Octoberfest begin.

--Anonymous in Kansas City
replies 50Sep 26, 2017 5:07 AM +00:00

wtf is an engineered underwear system?

replies 51Sep 26, 2017 5:24 AM +00:00

I'm on the subway late for work, feeling dead inside thinking about the dysfunctional shitshow that awaits. Perhaps this should be posted elsewhere if it is too "whelming"...

replies 52Sep 26, 2017 5:53 AM +00:00

I feel your pain r52

Just think it will only be a few hours and you'll join us on Datalounge

replies 53Sep 26, 2017 5:58 AM +00:00

I'm taking my GMC pickup to be smogged today so I can renew the registration.

And who says I don't have a life?

replies 54Sep 26, 2017 9:52 AM +00:00

I have to pee.

replies 55Sep 26, 2017 10:01 AM +00:00

I successfully walked to work today using an immobilizer brace and a crutch, result of ACL reconstruction surgery.

replies 56Sep 26, 2017 10:07 AM +00:00

Yesterday was horrific, so this morning I treated myself to a bowel of Edy's Texas Pecan Pie ice cream

--Life is great!
replies 57Sep 26, 2017 10:11 AM +00:00

A whole bowel, R57? Wasn't it cold going in?

replies 58Sep 26, 2017 10:15 AM +00:00

I'm sitting here reading DL and drinking a Powerade when I should be outside doing yard-work.

--It's just too damn hot
replies 59Sep 26, 2017 10:19 AM +00:00

R57 Woops, bowl!

replies 60Sep 26, 2017 10:39 AM +00:00

Marry me, R58!

replies 61Sep 26, 2017 10:52 AM +00:00

I still miss Mary Tyler Moore and cannot believe she's dead.

replies 62Sep 26, 2017 11:11 AM +00:00
I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

talk about a shitstorm

replies 63Sep 26, 2017 11:12 AM +00:00

It could have been. The BF was medically in need of the procedure and roommate was going about it all wrong. He had hung the bag as high as it would go and the BF was in agony with cramping. I unknowingly walked in on this little drama. Having had training as a Navy Hospital Corpsman, I told roommate to get out of the way and I did the procedure myself. Twice. Really great way to meet your roomie's new BF.

replies 64Sep 26, 2017 3:53 PM +00:00
wtf is an engineered underwear system?

It's underwear, but they throw so much babble into the description that it becomes an engineered underwear system.

They're trunks with anti-microbiology or something technology and mesh,cotton and lycra and they probably lift your ass while creating a nice free-swing basket for your junk. Plus, they accommodate your thighs while avoiding that whole jock strap waistband that is so annoying. Plus, they don't have a maker name plastered all over them.

You have to hand-wash/drip dry or they lose their magic properties.

replies 65Sep 26, 2017 4:58 PM +00:00

They accommodate your thighs? But not like a jockstrap?

What does that mean?

replies 66Sep 26, 2017 5:15 PM +00:00

2 more weeks until I pay off my mortgage.

replies 67Sep 26, 2017 5:24 PM +00:00

The other day, I rearranged some furniture. Today I moved everything back.

(I don't understand the Jeremy Renner threads, either, R20. I gave it a go one day and tried googling to understand who, what, and why anyone gives a shit. Nothing. I block them and the Tommy and Gio threads and others that are multi-part inside-joke threads by obsessed stans and haters that begin with something like "part 8--continue bitching" or "part 10--you know what to do.")

replies 68Sep 26, 2017 6:25 PM +00:00

My cat meowed.

replies 69Sep 26, 2017 9:40 PM +00:00

Off today! Suffering from "While I'm at it, might as well…"

I've sanded down my very dead dad's expandable scaffolding plank and I'm going to use it as a wall shelf. I have to drill into a cinder block wall to bolt in the ledge it will rest on. While I'm at it, I should drill in two (three? Four?) holes for picture frame hooks. I have some old Indian portraits that could go up there, but they are too small and too matchy. Plus, I'm trying to stick with oil paintings this season.

R66, I'm not going to advertise underwear brands, but newer trunks feature stretchier leg openings of flatter material instead of the thicker tape.

replies 70Sep 27, 2017 4:08 AM +00:00

I dreamt that they people that bought my old place had moved it right into the main street.

And they had turned into Trent and Jane Lane.

I'm waiting for a phone number port from my old telco-it's taking forever. And all the support is off-shored.
replies 71Sep 27, 2017 4:25 AM +00:00

I'm back. I have a new survival policy: I only post anon or with joke names; I don't block people (just scroll by, and don't engage the loons) but I do block annoying threads. So far, so good.

I ate fries for lunch.

replies 72Sep 27, 2017 4:36 AM +00:00

R68, I followed the Renner threads, and I still mostly don't know what they're talking about (a fangirl won a contest of some sort?). I also might or might not have seen a certain video that might or might not have existed on another unnamed site for a very short time before it, and its entire thread, was deleted.

replies 73Sep 27, 2017 5:14 AM +00:00

I saw that too, R73. The contest is an app thing. They're pissed because they had to tell a sob story to win but the winner was the one who spent the most money buying app credits, who also happens to be the main bully on the app blah blah. It'll suck you in, and before you know it your whole life is about coming on DL to find the threads they haven't deleted. I haven't been out of the house in three days.

--Yes, I'm joking
replies 74Sep 27, 2017 7:14 AM +00:00

The top of my right foot, about 4 inches below my big toe, feels like it is being burned with acid or something. It's horrible. I wonder if it has anything to do with Cipro I was given for a UTI.

replies 75Sep 28, 2017 8:35 AM +00:00

I used to like the threads on DL that would pop up every so often where you could get a synopsis of some long-running threads. In addition to not being able to keep up with the Renner threads, I haven't kept up with the Aaron Rodgers stuff, or the dead/missing wife of the hot pastor.

replies 76Sep 28, 2017 11:57 AM +00:00

Damn, I ff'd myself again. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes when I decide to block a thread I accidentally ff the poster. But I don't know how I ff myself.

replies 77Sep 28, 2017 12:14 PM +00:00

I just found out my SNAP benefits have been reduced to $102 from $139. I'm on SSI and receive $735 a month. Apparently the government thinks I'm rich, though I suspect it's really just a plot to kill off the poor.

replies 78Sep 28, 2017 4:10 PM +00:00

Excuse me, we need tax cuts, R78. Stop being selfish

replies 79Sep 28, 2017 4:35 PM +00:00

Bravo Zulu, R64.

I hope I never have to do that.

replies 80Oct 2, 2017 3:17 PM +00:00

Thank you, R80. When I saw what was going on, I couldn't let the poor guy suffer. It was no big deal to me, but when you're on the business end of something like and you're not feeling well in the first place, it helps if you have someone help you who knows what he's doing. The weird thing is, he still can't seem to look me in the eye. To me, the procedure was as rote as changing a tire or something.

replies 81Oct 2, 2017 7:49 PM +00:00

Any discussion of suffering does not belong in an underwhelming thread.

replies 82Oct 3, 2017 7:50 AM +00:00

Why does Richard Harris sing about " a stripe-ed pair of pants" in "MacArthur Park"? As if the song wasn't already weird enough. I've never heard "striped" pronounced that way anywhere else. And why does he add an "S" ("MacArthur's Park") when that's not the title?

replies 83Oct 18, 2017 9:23 AM +00:00

That's what you got from MacArthur Park? Not the fact that Harris calls it "MacArthur's Park" through the whole song? Or the rivers flowing through the sky? Or his magnificently ridiculous sideburns?

replies 84Oct 18, 2017 9:46 AM +00:00

Here's Jimmy Webb et al performing MacArthur Park on Letterman

Best version on YouTube, and I watched 'em ALL...Will Lee sings his ASS off!! He has the balls (or lack thereof?) to actually attempt that high note, and he ...
replies 85Oct 18, 2017 9:47 AM +00:00

I’m starting to tuck those little cotton pads against my anus before I put on my underwear. Is this how a prolapsed anus starts or is a little bit of moisture down there normal?

replies 86Oct 18, 2017 10:16 AM +00:00

No idea, R86.

--Top only
replies 87Oct 18, 2017 10:18 AM +00:00

My orchid is blooming. I think I will get maybe 13 blooms this year.

replies 88Oct 18, 2017 10:35 AM +00:00
My orchid is blooming.

There's a Blanche Devereux euphamism if I've ever heard one.

replies 89Oct 18, 2017 10:37 AM +00:00

Back in the day there was no way of finding out the lyrics of a song on 45rpm, so there were lots of misheard words

In MacArthur Park, I thought some lines were "Spring was never waiting for us girls, it ran one step ahead as we frolicked in the grass" and "old men slaying chickens by the trees."

replies 90Oct 18, 2017 10:37 AM +00:00

Today Jeff Sessions acted as if he is the victim of dementia...hard times, working for a "fucking moron."

replies 91Oct 18, 2017 10:38 AM +00:00

I bought new laces for all my shoes. When I get home tonight, I'm going to change them all out and polish the shoes.

replies 92Oct 18, 2017 10:41 AM +00:00

The best thing that happened all day is that when I woke up I remembered this wasn't a shave day ( I shave 3 times a week or as needed and hate shaving).

replies 93Oct 18, 2017 10:53 AM +00:00

While I was in line to get the new license plate sticker for my pickup, the guy standing in front of me had the nicest, roundest ass I think I've ever seen. I wanted to just reach out and grab it, but of course I didn't, because they don't like you doing that kind of shit at the DMV.

replies 94Oct 18, 2017 12:46 PM +00:00

Did someone say Jeremy Renner?!
replies 95Oct 18, 2017 12:49 PM +00:00

I went back on keto and I've been in bed all day with a terrible migraine-level headache.

replies 96Oct 18, 2017 1:20 PM +00:00

I put a cat collar with a bell on my kitty.

replies 97Oct 19, 2017 12:15 AM +00:00

Not exactly underwhelming, but I didn't know where else to put it: Great Britain's entry for Father of the Year 2017

“Yep. That's an Everton fan with his child trying to hit a Lyon player.”
replies 98Oct 19, 2017 2:22 PM +00:00

Put up orange Halloween lights on my porch (big Halloween neighborhood here). When it got dark I went out and turned them on. Noticed something lit up orange on a low branch of my pear tree, which is about 7 ft from my house. Thought it was some kind of optical illusion,so I walked to tree and there was a tiny owl looking down at me. It let me try to take photos, but it was too dark for me to properly focus on the correct branch.

I wonder how many times that little owl has been there and I hadn't noticed?

I feed birds on the ground (especially rogue guinea fowl and a. neighbor's bossy free range chicken). Probably mice come out at night to eat the leftovers and that's what the little feller was waiting for. Probably an eastern screech owl.

replies 99Oct 19, 2017 4:00 PM +00:00

R99 — I LOVE little owls! You're very lucky to have seen one.

replies 100Oct 19, 2017 7:30 PM +00:00

The hot DILF in the neighborhood who did all of his yard work shirtless just moved out. A doughy middle-aged couple appears to be moving in. Damn.

replies 101Oct 20, 2017 12:40 AM +00:00

I saw a bit of the 90s Casper film (which, in retrospect, was pretty dark for a kids' film) on TV today and I found myself craving Ribena, which I haven't drunk since I was a kid. Then I remembered that, when the film was released, Ribena ran a competition to win Casper merchandise, so he was pictured on the cartons. It just goes to show the power of advertising that I still made the associated all these years later.

replies 102Oct 26, 2017 11:04 AM +00:00

There’s a gnat or fruit fly or something in my office, I feel it ever so lightly light into my hair, or the back or my hand, or my ear, but the little fucker flies away before I can get it. I look like I’m shooing the thin air like a schizophrenic.

replies 103Oct 26, 2017 11:46 AM +00:00

I love me some Casper. But I never saw the movie. I just watched the cartoon as a kid so hearing the theme makes me feel like I'm 10 again.

Be sure to follow us on Twitter - Donate: Info about The New Casper Cartoon Show (1...
replies 104Oct 27, 2017 1:32 AM +00:00

This tweet confirms what I had suspected for a long time: the creator of Mrs Betty Bowers is a DataLounger.

Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO: "Now, Officer, if you look in the basement, I'm going to be REALLY cross!"
“Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO: "Now, Officer, if you look in the basement, I'm going to be REALLY cross!"”
replies 105Nov 4, 2017 9:36 AM +00:00

I went surfing today. I'm not usually one to go surfing when it isn't toasty warm, even though I have a great cold weather wet suit, but the waves were pretty good and the air temp was pretty warm.

--I still wore the Patagonia, though
replies 106Nov 4, 2017 12:29 PM +00:00

It's the other way around, R105. Betty started the "Mrs Patsy Ramsey of Boulder Colorado" jokes and Datalounge picked them up from her.

replies 107Nov 4, 2017 1:03 PM +00:00

I have heartburn, but I can’t stop eating this chili.

replies 108Nov 4, 2017 1:14 PM +00:00

Pop a Pepcid

replies 109Nov 4, 2017 1:32 PM +00:00

I have heartburn today, too. I took a Prilosec and a Pepcid and it seems better.

--Big Mel
replies 110Nov 4, 2017 2:13 PM +00:00

Today I bought a pound of See's assorted dark chocolates and hid them in the tool drawer in the garage so my partner won't find them. If he did, he'd eat them all. I'll sneak one or two a day when he's not looking. Actually, See's Candy tastes way better when you have to sneak it.

replies 111Nov 4, 2017 2:45 PM +00:00

I've just finished watching the last 15 minutes of "SITC2."

replies 112Nov 4, 2017 4:01 PM +00:00

I'm going to New Zealand soon but can't seem to get motivated to pack today. I mean, I just read this whole thread.

replies 113Nov 4, 2017 4:58 PM +00:00

Also, R71, when the infamous 'I just had sex with Jani Lane' thread started here, I didn't know who he was and thought someone was being stupid about Jane Lane ... so I didn't read it till after Jani Lane had died.

replies 114Nov 4, 2017 5:01 PM +00:00

I just spent 350 dollars on the Clarisonic Smart Profile Uplift System

It better do its job and uplift my profile

-- Tho maybe I'll just treat myself to a mini lift at Christmas
replies 115Nov 4, 2017 5:19 PM +00:00

I defrosted some leftover chili from Halloween tonight. It was good. I put Texas Pete, shredded cheddar, and sour cream on it. I also added some Fritos scoops. We only buy those at Holidays.

replies 116Nov 4, 2017 5:31 PM +00:00

I couldn’t see Thor 3 last night because I was 17 minutes late.. The theater’s cutoff is 10 minutes. God forbid you should miss the previews.

replies 117Nov 4, 2017 6:10 PM +00:00

Enrenmann's singly wrapped crumb cakes taste so much better than the big crumb cake

replies 118Nov 5, 2017 5:37 AM +00:00

Ah, R107, that possibility never occurred to me.

replies 119Nov 5, 2017 6:26 AM +00:00

I'm going to pour myself a nice hot mug of coffee and go cradle the fuck out of it.

--I might even do the Pajama Pary Pose while cradeling.
replies 120Nov 5, 2017 7:33 AM +00:00

For a minute there, I forgot The Alamo.

replies 121Nov 5, 2017 7:35 AM +00:00

By boyfriend cut a board wrong so now I have to buy another piece of wood.

replies 122Nov 5, 2017 7:37 AM +00:00

They're shooting deer in the field across the street. I've had a really pretty deer in my yard recently eating berries. I hope she gets away. I don't like deer eating my flowers but I don't want them to get the death penalty for it.

replies 123Nov 5, 2017 8:29 AM +00:00

I have a bunch of towels that need to be folded. I really don't want to do it.

replies 124Nov 5, 2017 8:35 AM +00:00

Humidifiers blast cold, watery air. I wish they weren't necessary.

I am astonished, however, at how I instantly feel better as soon as I turn them on.

I have to go to Walmart and stare at filters hoping I pick the right size.

replies 125Nov 5, 2017 11:50 AM +00:00

R118 And Slater's pins have no points—don't you always find that?” said Miss Craye, turning.

--Virginia Woolf
replies 126Nov 5, 2017 12:30 PM +00:00

We were going to do yard work this weekend but had a really early snow so we just lazed around reading all weekend. Tonight I made pork chops and polenta with the chanterelle mushrooms our neighbor brought us and the cat presented us with his latest kill: a huge fat mouse who I think is the one I see in the kitchen sometimes at night. He's been getting into the cat food so I think this one was personal for "Mr Whiskers."

replies 127Nov 5, 2017 7:51 PM +00:00

I ate too much.

replies 128Nov 5, 2017 7:59 PM +00:00

When I make 7-layer dip I use canned chili instead of beans. It's much better.

replies 129Nov 6, 2017 3:32 PM +00:00

I eat too much too. It's obviously sublimation for the fact that I haven't a man in my bed for over a year!!

--The Ignominy of it all!
replies 130Nov 6, 2017 3:36 PM +00:00

This priest is totally gay!

6,379 Likes, 33 Comments - Fatos e Boatos (@faatos_e_boatos) on Instagram: “????”
replies 131Nov 6, 2017 6:33 PM +00:00

I just googled a couple of long-ago exes and found out they are both still alive. With both of these guys, it's not a given, for different reasons.

replies 132Nov 8, 2017 3:58 PM +00:00

The Hulu app on my tv always malfunctions right after finishing an episode. It gives me an "error connecting" message when I know darn well the tv has no connectivity issues, it's just the app being glitchy. So annoying,

--First world problems
replies 133Nov 8, 2017 4:13 PM +00:00

I just had some pumpkin cheesecake

Ehh I wasn't impressed

replies 134Nov 8, 2017 4:37 PM +00:00

The brownies from Dominos are pretty good.

replies 135Nov 8, 2017 6:12 PM +00:00

My quietest cat woke me at 4:30 AM meowing like crazy. I went looking for her. When I couldn't find her, I decided to go back to bed. There she was at the top of the stairs with a mouse in her mouth. I was so startled I gasped and said "Oh my god!" which woke my husband, who thought we were being robbed or something. He jumped out of bed, the cat ran and we had to go under all the beds looking for her. (I sleep in a separate bedroom because I snore). She ran out from under a bed, leaving her mouse behind. Great fun getting the dead mouse from under the bed, but at least it was dead. A live mouse would have been so much worse.

replies 136Nov 9, 2017 5:47 AM +00:00

My belly looks full but I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

replies 137Nov 9, 2017 7:28 AM +00:00
I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

This particular juxtaposition disturbs my underwhelm-ment.

--Kindly don't do that again.
replies 138Nov 9, 2017 7:33 AM +00:00

My husband's cat does this hilarious trick where the laser pointer spot whips him into such a frenzy he literally runs on the wall, Matrix-style to catch it. So I decided to make a YouTube video of him and...zippideedoodah. Nothing. He just looked at the red dot with this polite, "oh, that's nice" expression and is now gazing out the window at the squirrels on the bird feeder. Fucking cats. They're all sons of bitches.

--Dry food for you, Buddy. No cooperate, no chicken.
replies 139Nov 9, 2017 9:30 AM +00:00

Cats will never do the entertaining behavior you want them to do, when a camera is on them. They'll do it endlessly on their own, but once you want them to do it, they just stare at you.

replies 140Nov 9, 2017 9:52 AM +00:00
they just stare at you.

It's the evil grin that gets to me.

--Every fucking time.
replies 141Nov 9, 2017 9:55 AM +00:00

R101 I condole you.

The hot, balding, bearded straight married guy across the street - the one who has on a few occasions, early in the morning, beat off in his living room watching porn - has sadly moved out.

He looked a bit doughy on the street, but damn, he had an enormous cock. I'll miss seeing that Leaning Tower of Pisa blast off.

replies 142Nov 9, 2017 10:00 AM +00:00

One of my cats meows when I tell him to, but I have to give him an exaggerated wink and move my head a little, otherwise he won't do it. He is the only cat I've ever owned who does a "trick." (Not that kind)

replies 143Nov 9, 2017 11:02 AM +00:00

Last night I dreamed that my former teacher was famous. My former teacher was Jon Stewart. It was cold and rainy outside, so i popped into a deli in East Hampton. Stewart was there and asked me if I would attend a talent show where his nephew would sing. Of course! I said. He told me the talent show was to raise money for his nephew's school, and he wanted me to get all of my friends to attend, because he wanted a full audience. Sure, I said. I started calling people and asking them to buy a ticket. Everyone said no. I asked if they would attend if I bought a ticket for them and about half said, "OK." Shit, now I had to pay thousands of dollars for tickets and I didn't know how many people would actually show up. I was going to look bad in front of my former-teacher-and-now famous-person because it was going to look like I didn't have many friends. And it was going to cost me a fortune.

replies 144Nov 11, 2017 7:00 AM +00:00

I got sick. It's fish for dinner.

This is not Airplane! I got sick before the fish.

--You still don't know who I am
replies 145Nov 11, 2017 8:43 AM +00:00

I bought my cat an expensive scratching lounger thingy off Amazon because she deserves it. I'll be damned if she has cut off all contact with me in order to spend all her time on that thing. Damn you, Amazon! Damn you all to hell!

--Crazy Cat Eldergay
replies 146Nov 11, 2017 8:44 AM +00:00

I had to get up TWICE last night to urinate.

I think I'll get one of those big Cranberry Juice glass bottles and place it under my bed.

--One a night is too much.
replies 147Nov 11, 2017 8:49 AM +00:00

In two months' time, it'll be the 10th anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. OMG. I feel so old.

replies 148Nov 11, 2017 11:09 AM +00:00

Did Heath have genuine talent? More than the schmucks who fester our screens today?

replies 149Nov 11, 2017 11:13 AM +00:00

Oh no, IMDB has gone down!

replies 150Nov 11, 2017 11:32 AM +00:00

^ It's OK. It's up again.

replies 151Nov 11, 2017 11:45 AM +00:00

He improved with age, IMO, R149. Brokeback Mountain and The Dark Knight stand out as his best performances.

replies 152Nov 11, 2017 12:17 PM +00:00

I farted so loudly my cat jumped

replies 153Nov 11, 2017 5:53 PM +00:00

My gastro doctor examined my hole and said one of my hemorrhoids is thrombosed. He said it’s too inflamed to treat with the laser in his office and since it’s outside he can’t band it. So I have to do warm soaks and stool softener and return in two weeks for him to reevaluate.

--Fun times I
replies 154Nov 11, 2017 6:14 PM +00:00

I bought weird beer that ended up the bargain bin. It was cheap, made with watermelon and sea salt. It is not bad, more like a prosecco than a beer.

replies 155Nov 11, 2017 6:35 PM +00:00

I just ate two big bowls of Thai hot and spicy noodle soup. I told myself I would stop at one but I knew that wouldn't happen. Now I'm sleepy.

replies 156Nov 11, 2017 6:54 PM +00:00

I want to to make my own old-fashioned icicles with a sheet of foil and a paper shredder. I just got this idea today and I don’t own a paper shredder so I don’t even know if it’s possible.

replies 157Nov 11, 2017 8:24 PM +00:00

R156 — You'll wake up quickly when that hot & spicy soup kicks in! I don't know how hot and spicy it is, but that Thai stuff has the capacity to blow you out a whole new asshole.

R153 — It's funny you should mention about your cat waking itself up by farting. I actually did that myself a few days ago. It has never happened before. It was like a gunshot.

replies 158Nov 12, 2017 10:38 AM +00:00

R157 Scissors?

There was a young cute new dentist when I got a checkup last week. He was 6 feet 4 inches tall but it was hard to make out his body type under this scrubs and gown. Looked just slightly muscular. Full head of hair and nice voice. He made me think of Alexander the Great. His patient was an old whiny lady. Boo. :(

replies 159Nov 12, 2017 11:21 AM +00:00

I don't know why this made me laugh so much. It hit just the right spot.

“Sometimes the BBC news app shows the wrong pictures for the story when it has no data/WiFi. Today it surpassed itself.”
replies 160Nov 12, 2017 11:58 AM +00:00

I just made arroz con pollo. I think it might be a bit too salty but it's pretty good. My mother gave me a bunch of coloured peppers from her garden so it looks very pretty.

replies 161Nov 12, 2017 1:30 PM +00:00

Fresh garlic on pizza is pretty good.

replies 162Nov 12, 2017 1:33 PM +00:00

They were out of the Spring Meadow scented Tide Pods, so I had to the the Sport scent.

I hope I don't regret it.

replies 163Nov 12, 2017 2:39 PM +00:00

My feet are finally warm

replies 164Nov 12, 2017 3:23 PM +00:00

I used to go to a particular store because the woman at the deli was friendly and knew how to process my order.

But they replaced her with a really ugly man and he is dumber than a box of rocks. How you can hear the word "mozzarella" and think "muenster" is beyond me.

replies 165Nov 12, 2017 5:58 PM +00:00

This is fosr you, R160:

Ayy I remastered a video I made last year. You'll find the original is no longer on YouTube (at least on my channel) because of ChannelFlip abusing the copyr...
replies 166Nov 12, 2017 6:35 PM +00:00

Is this gonna give The Hitachi Magic Wand a run for its money?

2,758 Likes, 82 Comments - Cheddar (@cheddar) on Instagram: “Athletes use these supercharged massage guns to break up scar tissue and loosen tendons.”
replies 167Nov 12, 2017 7:08 PM +00:00

Italy have failed to qualify for the World Cup! First time in 60 years.

replies 168Nov 13, 2017 1:13 PM +00:00

I have a growth above my ear. It started out small but now sticks out maybe 1/4 inch.

I haven't looked at it because that's scary.

replies 169Nov 13, 2017 2:19 PM +00:00

Don't look at it r169.

It'll go away.

--Or you will. Problem solved either way.
replies 170Nov 14, 2017 3:14 AM +00:00

My friend and I had a good chuckle about a prank we pulled in our AOL days.

We were in an AOL chat room with a guy who was boasting about his appearance and endowment. We told him we would send him a photo of two hot pussies if he sent us a picture of his cock.

The photo he sent was impressive, who knows if it was his own.

We sent him a photo of my friend's two cats sitting on a radiator.......

--I know, underwhelming......
replies 171Nov 14, 2017 10:17 AM +00:00

I’m want to make chili tonight, but the pot is still dirty from the last time I made it.

replies 172Nov 14, 2017 10:43 AM +00:00

The restroom spray stocked at work is called "FOREVER PINK," by Victoria's Secret. Both names makes me think of a vaginal infection.
replies 173Nov 14, 2017 11:15 AM +00:00

I won my NFL pool this week. I think first prize is almost $200.

replies 174Nov 14, 2017 5:26 PM +00:00

Just farted. No smell. Which is odd, since I hate an entire jar of hot salsa tonight, drinking it out of the jar.

replies 175Nov 14, 2017 5:31 PM +00:00

R111 here again. My scheme worked. The pound of See's candy I hid in the garage is now all gone. I ate all of it myself. It lasted 11 days. Had my partner discovered it, it might have lasted two days. (Might). I took the empty box to work to throw away, so there would be no evidence. I'm going to buy some more over the weekend and do the same thing. I don't mind sharing, but with some people if you give them one piece they'll wind up eating the whole box.

Anticipating the reaction I know is bound to be forthcoming after this confession, here's the disclaimer: neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

replies 176Nov 15, 2017 11:32 AM +00:00
neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.
Bunny (Fantasia's aunt) from the premiere of VH1 "Fantasia For Real".
replies 177Nov 15, 2017 11:39 AM +00:00

I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

replies 178Nov 15, 2017 8:24 PM +00:00

R176 - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?

--Ya greedy pig.
replies 179Nov 16, 2017 3:37 AM +00:00

Psssst....wanna see my big black cock, R171?
replies 180Nov 16, 2017 3:48 AM +00:00

I was at the store this morning and a woman had a complete meltdown. I used to work retail and thought I'd seen it all, but this bit had an overture, first act, intermission, second act AND an 11 o'clock number.


Because the store put vanilla cake on the shelf and she took it home and made it and only after making it did she realize it was chocolate, because they put the box on the wrong part of the shelf, and now she's going to SUE them for gross negligence because her mother in law doesn't eat any fucking chocolate CAAAAAAKE!

(And as an aside: I am so frustrated.....I have carried my cell with me for a decade everywhere. I stop carrying it in the last week because we're having a rash of robberies where thieves take iPhones, and since Monday I've witnessed a car accident, a thief stealing a package from someone's porch AND this!)

replies 181Nov 16, 2017 8:44 AM +00:00

WTF 181 those three paragraphs OVERwhelmed ---Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

replies 182Nov 16, 2017 8:48 AM +00:00


Sorry, R182!

replies 183Nov 16, 2017 9:36 AM +00:00
Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

Shallow breaths only r182.

--Shallow breaths only.
replies 184Nov 16, 2017 9:48 AM +00:00

Politically incorrect opinion in California: I hate the rain.

--My pussies are wet, too.
replies 185Nov 16, 2017 10:54 AM +00:00

China poured more concrete from 2011 to 2013 than America did during the entire 20th century.

replies 186Nov 16, 2017 12:09 PM +00:00

i have the hiccups.

replies 187Nov 16, 2017 1:22 PM +00:00

i just can't wake up today

replies 188Nov 16, 2017 1:48 PM +00:00

Achoooo. Allergies.

replies 189Nov 16, 2017 1:54 PM +00:00

I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

replies 190Nov 16, 2017 2:00 PM +00:00
I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

You can boil those suckers for an hour and they won't soften up. They aren't really 'baby' carrots but gnarly carrots that nobody will buy. They cut them up and then treat them with chlorine.

replies 191Nov 16, 2017 2:54 PM +00:00

I have been having headaches and feeling like I have to shit all the time.

replies 192Nov 16, 2017 3:11 PM +00:00

"[R176] - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?"

I've actually done that in the past. The problem is, he eats whatever it is I've bought for him, then when it's gone he manages to eat the rest of mine, too. I realize how terrible that sounds, but I reiterate, neither one of us is fat. We normally don't keep sweets in the house. (Mainly because he always finds and eats them).

replies 193Nov 16, 2017 3:34 PM +00:00

I usually take a walk before dinner, but today I didn't.

replies 194Nov 16, 2017 6:17 PM +00:00

I read a post on a Facebook Old Homes Renovation page. Prior occupants who stayed 60 days passed the closing date poured concrete down the kitchen drain as a parting gift to the new owners. That's what happens when you buy a house under foreclosure. Talk about a kitchen sink drama!

replies 195Nov 16, 2017 6:19 PM +00:00

^^^In case you were wondering why so many landlords are unfeeling assholes.

replies 196Nov 17, 2017 3:47 AM +00:00

A relative of mine has come out as trans on national tv I'm glad my mother is dead because it would have killed her.

replies 197Nov 17, 2017 6:54 AM +00:00

the voices won't leave me alone.

replies 198Nov 17, 2017 2:49 PM +00:00

I have a cold and spent most of last night sneezing, so I bought some nasal spray this morning. Now I've stopped sneezing altogether, but my throat hurts and no matter how much I cough, I can't clear it. With hindsight, the constant sneezing was the lesser evil. #firstworldproblems

replies 199Nov 17, 2017 3:57 PM +00:00

I'm getting ready to replace my kitchen appliances and washer/dryer in one fell swoop. Better than stringing it out, I thought.

--About to make LG's fourth quarter even brighter...
replies 200Nov 17, 2017 5:06 PM +00:00

Eat a teaspoon or two of honey, R199.

--Sore throats are the worst.
replies 201Nov 17, 2017 5:10 PM +00:00

Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

replies 202Nov 17, 2017 8:20 PM +00:00

I just made pastry cream for the first time, but I made too much.

It used 12 eggs.

replies 203Nov 17, 2017 8:23 PM +00:00
Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

He's just trying to keep up with you, dear.

replies 204Nov 18, 2017 3:42 AM +00:00

Whenever I see people wearing those Apple AirPods hanging out of the ears in the street, I can't stop thinking of this—

cameron diaz ear touching
replies 205Nov 19, 2017 4:37 PM +00:00

I went to Chuck E. Cheese. Not to eat or play games. For the theater.

*NEW VIDEO* - Evolution of Talking Animatronic Disney Characters- Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are great entertainment centers th...
replies 206Nov 19, 2017 8:57 PM +00:00

My hotmail page has been frozen on my iPhone for the last 2 days :(

replies 207Nov 19, 2017 9:38 PM +00:00

I watched Female Trouble with my niece Anna two weeks ago. She's 7.

My sister called yesterday because Anna is getting at trouble at school for telling other kids, "Who are you.....UGLY?"

She also said that Anna asked her little brother to call her Taffy.

My work here is DONE!

replies 208Nov 20, 2017 6:15 AM +00:00

Won't someone PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?????!!!!!!!???????

My daughter took this pic at Shopko. Wow. How does this go unnoticed by staff?
replies 209Nov 20, 2017 1:28 PM +00:00

I don't know where to file this.

Very very nice, wonderful!!! This guy sing very karaoke.
replies 210Nov 20, 2017 2:21 PM +00:00

Could someone please start a "I really, really want to be underwhelmed" thread.


--This one often wounds.
replies 211Nov 21, 2017 3:26 AM +00:00

I had sour patch kids for breakfast.

replies 212Nov 22, 2017 1:48 AM +00:00

I can't quite believe this is real. Anyone who buys this sweater should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

“???????????? $35 —> ???????????? #BlackFriday #CruzCrew #TXSen”
replies 213Nov 24, 2017 8:46 AM +00:00

I have a headache today. I may have a headache two or three times per annum, max. If you see some guy sitting on his front porch in eye mask and noise-canceling headphones, it's probably me.

replies 214Nov 25, 2017 2:49 PM +00:00

My rear end is very sore from being in the car all day. I’m relieved we just pulled in to the hotel parking lot. Soon my rump will rest.

replies 215Nov 25, 2017 3:47 PM +00:00

My stomach hurts really bad. I ate a whole plate of food on Thanksgiving and yesterday. I never eat that much food at once. Never again.

replies 216Nov 25, 2017 4:14 PM +00:00

I just had a Milky Way bar for dinner.

replies 217Nov 25, 2017 4:23 PM +00:00

Do I need to empty my bowels? I can't be sure. I'll have to stand up and twist around to feel if there's enough in my bowels to evacuate them.

Do I remember evacuating them morning? Or was that memory from yesterday?

replies 218Nov 25, 2017 4:59 PM +00:00

My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses. I have this old pair that are rimless and make this elder look even more elder. I went to the optometrist to get a new pair but didn't cause they didn't take my insurance.

They managed to twist the rimless ones back into shape. They were fine except that they are easily lost because they blend in to the background.

I sat on them and one of the bows broke off so now it is a real professional look. I bought some readers but still procrastinate about getting a new pair. Pretty fucking boring minutiae...... how did Proust make it so interesting?

Oh yeah he was a genius

replies 219Nov 25, 2017 5:19 PM +00:00

Oh, man, R219! I really relate to the glasses thing. I am constantly losing them or sitting on them. Stepped on them once. The worst thing is when I’m frantically running around the house looking for them and can’t find them—and then realize I’ve pushed them to the top of my head and forgot. Again.

replies 220Nov 25, 2017 5:57 PM +00:00

My partner baked three turkeys. Fifty pounds of turkey are 49 pounds more than I think we need for frozen leftovers. I don't particularly like turkey.

replies 221Nov 25, 2017 6:01 PM +00:00

Visiting family today (Sunday). I’ll always remember walking in to face intervention (s) during the holiday season.

--Not Bitter
replies 222Nov 26, 2017 10:54 AM +00:00

I discovered a spelling error in Cleveland's traffic statistics report for 1953. To whom shall I report the error?

--Cyd Chagrined
replies 223Nov 26, 2017 12:10 PM +00:00

Was cleaning my bathroom today. Used my trusty Clorox bathroom cleaner with bleach spray. I sprayed the tub, and also the tiles the go to the ceiling in the tub area. About a half hour later I was putting towels away and noticed that my brand new Navy blue towels, that had been folded On the shelf next to the tub had bleach "spray" marks all Over. Now they are ruined. They are Navy blue with pink spray spots.

My phone sucks. Not sure if it's my actual iPhone 7 plus that sucks or if this site has ruined my phone and gave me a virus. I'm thinking of getting the iPhone X because of this.

Also looking for a new job this week.

I was good this weekend. Only bought a couple things during the Black Friday sales

replies 224Nov 26, 2017 4:46 PM +00:00
To whom shall I report the error?

You just did r223. The DL is the repository for all such meaningless shit.

--Consider yourself a good citizen!
replies 225Nov 27, 2017 3:42 AM +00:00

My penis is hard.

replies 226Nov 27, 2017 4:07 AM +00:00

Still r226?

--You may want to consult your physician, you little blue pill popper you.
replies 227Nov 27, 2017 9:22 AM +00:00


Was your hard penis aroused by some erotic stimulation or was it just a waking dream? They are the hardest.

replies 228Nov 27, 2017 8:29 PM +00:00

I get perverse pleasure by going into the kitchen late at night and suddenly turning on the light and using a fly swatter to thwack the inevitable 2 or 3 cockroaches I see scuttling away.

replies 229Nov 28, 2017 2:17 AM +00:00

There's a fairly large puff of dog hair hanging from a single strand of spider web in the laundry room. I should clean it but it's kind of fascinating the way it wafts in the draft every time a door opens or shuts.

replies 230Nov 28, 2017 1:59 PM +00:00

I have never seen The Sixth Sense. Is it worth watching if, like me, you already know the twist?

replies 231Nov 29, 2017 9:07 AM +00:00

The twist is pretty evident from the get-go, so just enjoy the ride.

replies 232Nov 29, 2017 9:10 AM +00:00

Thanks, R232, I'll give it a try.

replies 233Nov 29, 2017 11:16 AM +00:00

My doctor tells me to reduce my cholesterol by eating stodgy porridge.

I sits like a dead weight in my stomach and I have to wait 6 months to find out if it's effective in any way.

replies 234Nov 29, 2017 11:28 AM +00:00

Friends to the end.

Cody and Howell Emanuel Donaldson III
replies 235Nov 30, 2017 10:51 AM +00:00

^ I don't suppose Howell Donaldson III (on the left) isn't any relation to Thurston Howell III.

replies 236Nov 30, 2017 5:50 PM +00:00

It's just emerged that my younger brother thought Princess Diana was William & Harry’s older sister. And we’re British. He was only a toddler when she died, but still. Jesus Christ.

replies 237Dec 1, 2017 10:59 AM +00:00

That's ok, R237. I thought Anne was the family horse

--And Camilla Was the Family Hound
replies 238Dec 1, 2017 11:16 AM +00:00

I accidentally farted while walking past one of my hot boss' door and immediately coughed and ran paper through the shredder for distraction. I hope he forgets by Monday that it ever happened.

replies 239Dec 1, 2017 12:41 PM +00:00

He might forget but I remember!

--The Listening Ear
replies 240Dec 2, 2017 12:04 PM +00:00

Who is this Muriel person?

Does Muriel come in and exercise "Flood Control" every time as I want to share my wisdom

--Gustave Flaubert
replies 241Dec 2, 2017 4:48 PM +00:00

I drank seven pints of beer of last night and fell asleep at 10.

But my brain woke me up at 2.30 and at 6.00am and again at 9.30 am to urinate out those seven pints of beer.

replies 242Dec 3, 2017 1:32 PM +00:00

I think Dianne Feinstein should retire, don't you?

She looks at Death's Door with those sad, saggy eyelids which must be hell to paint with a mascara pencil.

--Neil Gorsuch
replies 243Dec 4, 2017 2:12 AM +00:00
R219: My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses.

Look under the couch cushions and then under the couch. That’s where mine were, twice.

replies 244Dec 4, 2017 8:46 AM +00:00
R231: I have never seen The Sixth Sense

I thought it was a great movie.

replies 245Dec 4, 2017 8:51 AM +00:00

There's a difference between Christmas/Holiday songs and Winter songs.

Silent Night and White Christmas are Christmas Songs.

Baby It's Cold Outside and Winter Wonderland are Winter songs. As such, they may be performed and heard into March.

replies 246Dec 6, 2017 2:47 AM +00:00

However, thank god they are not.

replies 247Dec 6, 2017 4:36 AM +00:00

Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

replies 248Dec 7, 2017 7:31 AM +00:00
Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

The first reason I've had to remain alive in YEARS!

replies 249Dec 7, 2017 7:33 AM +00:00

Sept. 18, 1966: Diane Habegger of Van Nuys, the mother of three, organizes Housewives Voice for Lower Prices. They point out that the cost of bread had gone from 37 to 41 cents a loaf in two weeks

replies 250Dec 7, 2017 7:56 AM +00:00

My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

And Swoosie Kurtz as "Susie Squirts."

replies 251Dec 7, 2017 10:37 AM +00:00

Double ply Quilted Northern plugs my toilet.

I have to go back to single ply but Scott brand hurts. Tree bark would feel better.

replies 252Dec 8, 2017 4:40 PM +00:00

It has become darker, earlier. I have just begun to notice this.

replies 253Dec 8, 2017 9:18 PM +00:00

Della, try Scott Rapid Dissolve. It is two ply, and doesn't hurt. It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

replies 254Dec 8, 2017 9:21 PM +00:00

Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a film and it is so ugly, it ruins every scene that it is in.

replies 255Dec 8, 2017 9:21 PM +00:00
R91 I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

Are you one of the Magdalene Sisters?

replies 256Dec 8, 2017 9:55 PM +00:00
R251 My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

My mom not only renames stars, but calls any of them I like my friends.

She'll say, "It starred your friend, Faye Dunahugh."

replies 257Dec 8, 2017 10:06 PM +00:00

Oh, thanks, r254.

replies 258Dec 9, 2017 5:14 AM +00:00
It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

At that age, you're lucky you can still sit on a toilet. (*_~)

replies 259Dec 9, 2017 6:16 AM +00:00

I will go on an all-liquid diet when I reach 60.

I hate the drama of intestinal scraping and blockages.

replies 260Dec 9, 2017 6:56 AM +00:00

I wear rubber gloves whenever I have to touch water— including in the shower and whenever I perform a bowel-movement

--Prunella Dry-Skin
replies 261Dec 9, 2017 2:17 PM +00:00

I just cleaned some bird poop off of the hood of my Honda CR-V using paper towels and a spray bottle of water.

replies 262Dec 9, 2017 3:13 PM +00:00

I guess bird poop is acidic.

I am overwhelmed by the smell of ammonia when I empty my urine bottle.

--P D-S
replies 263Dec 9, 2017 3:27 PM +00:00

There is a toenail on my left foot that is very hard to cut. I've had it checked multiple times and it does not have fungus.

replies 264Dec 9, 2017 3:34 PM +00:00

^. You need to get a friend or a colleague to try it.

It's hard to get a good position to manoeuvre on your own feet. That's why I love my new foot scraper!
--Scholl fan
replies 265Dec 9, 2017 3:55 PM +00:00

I had a dream that all my teeth fell out. When I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream.

replies 266Dec 9, 2017 4:54 PM +00:00

So camp!

From "The Tomb of Ligeia"
--Nat Cohen and Stuart Levy
replies 267Dec 9, 2017 11:13 PM +00:00