I Want To Be Underwhelmed, pt. 307,904

I took a nap and dreamed my mother had 42 cats. I yelled at her about it and vomited up my heart and one of her cats ate it. Earlier today I mowed my yard before it started raining.

Today I had to buy my boss his lunch, stupid guy invited me to lunch and his credit card got denied...

so underwhelmed...

I'm eating yogurt with a fork because I'm too lazy to do the dishes so I'd have a clean spoon.

I worry I'm so in credit-card debt I'll lose my house.

I am doing laundry.

I have a stomach ache

Watching football and nursing a burgeoning sinus infection

I rearranged the furniture and art in my "loft" garage and now everything looks great, but I don't have a place to eat meals. My dining set is now a hall table and I had to put my bowflex in the kitchen area so I'd use it.

My bathroom setup was awesome - if you were willing to poop sitting sideways.

r8, is your toilet a fire hydrant?

Unfortunately, no, R9.

I clipped my toenails last night.

I miss my DL Strapping Guy beau hunk. Where he at?

Too much fastfood has my bony ass ballooning like an orange fuhrer fucktard.

I just felt something crawling on my shoulder and brushed it off freaked out before I realized it was a Lady Bug. Did I ruin the good luck?

I met at least 3 different "total top" on a gay dating site" I exchanged pics with these 3 guys . and all 3 of them were very eager to hook up with me tonight.But as soon as I told them that I am a versatile bottom , they disappeared within a sec without a trace . Why the hell a total top" would pissed off by a versatile bottom ?

Now I have changed my profile and have explicitly mentioned "versatile bottom" in sexual position so that some fake total tops will not waste my time .

I'm eating a 7/8 ounce size bag of Cheetos for lunch.

pt. 307,904

I find that whelming OP.

There's a little plastic sprocket on my office printer that keeps breaking because this is a government operation and we always order cheap shit. So I'm debating cutting out our tedious Supply Department process and making a quick spec drawing and have the machine shop make me a bunch of new ones out of aluminum or better plastic, or buying one myself from Office Depot.

If the frau in Logistics makes me write a work order for the sprockets and I end up having to buy a printer out of my own pocket, so help me I'm taking it with me when I retire next year.

Couldn't you just shoot up the place r17?

I just took a 3ft dump and the log was very gray. Am I dying?

I continued to ignore the Jeremy Renner threads; I was mildly interested, but could not have kept up with how quickly they progressed. Today I decided to read one. Holy shit, could not understand what was happening. Talk of older threads being shut down because of his personal info being shared, talk o father him being gay, talk of him being involved with a (female?) fan/stalker, etc. The posters were using words and language that seemed to belong to them and them alone.

If there's anyone out there in the know who can explain what's going on with Renner, please do. (Or perhaps my interpretation of it above is somewhat accurate...)

I've just been woken up by my neighbour mowing the lawn. I'll get out of bed in a minute, and have leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm a bit ashamed about that. Later, I'm going to go to the farmer's market to buy some leeks.

This is a military base, R17. Guns are forbidden. Well, except at the base Post Office.

I am grading the third set of four sets of papers. Meanwhile, I just picked up three sets of new papers yesterday.

There is a math question somewhere in there.

I bought a couple of resin Adirondack chairs on sale at a hardware store. They're the most comfortable chairs I've ever owned.

r20, re-read the directions.

Both my wisdom teeth on my lower jaw are starting to emerge from below the gumline. I'm 38 years old. My jaw hurts, the inside of my cheeks are sore like I just blew up a balloon and my ears feel funny. It feels like my lower jaw is being subtly stretched and it has a dull ache. I looked in the mirror and opened my mouth and looked with a flashlight and holy shit i'm slowly getting two new back molars.

The wisdom tooth on my left upper side grew in perfectly straight when I was 33 years old. Now i'm getting two more teeth at 38 years old. I feel like a cranky teething baby.

R21 I bought leeks at the farmers market today.

I hate this psycho cunt at my work - she's an absolute unstable butch. Nasty too. The shit I've had to put up with from her .... I haven't retaliated but want to so badly

When my boyfriend and I were shaving each other in the shower this morning, I told him I hated his chicken salad and wanted something else for lunch instead. He got made at me. I ate an orange instead.

The highlight of my day was learning that my cheap blender had no problem with an apple for a smoothie I was making.

My cat is pregnant again.

The fat, greedy whore!

R26 Take them out, toots. If they're already impacted they can be easy to yank. Plus you'll have rainy day pain pills that will last for a year or more!

I had a dream that I impregnated Kathy Bates. I was horrified about going broke to pay child support.

Yes, I'm a gay male.

Panera tomato soup is pretty good, if you add a lot of salt.

I found this out today.

I have a bad mailman who only reads the house number but not the name of the streets so he regularly delivers mail to the wrong house. Today the woman at the wrong house revealed herself as she personally showed up with my mis delivered mailed. She thought it would be important as it appeared to be a paycheck. I didn't have the heart to tell her about this thing called direct deposit.

I'm getting ready for bed; mass is tomorrow at 8:00am. I'll watch some gay porn to relax.

You'd fit right in, R36.

I farted in an elevator today.

I had to buy a new phone today. I spent the afternoon fiddling with the settings.

I didn't fold the laundry today.

I got up at noon and made coffee. Then I took a nap. The cat napped next to me. That was the whole day until dinner.

I stood on my phone yesterday, and it's probably beyond repair. I'm really pissed off about it. I need to get a new one today.

The sun is down. Earlier it was up.

Cheese.

One of my dogs is chewing her foot vigorously with her ass pressed against my arm.

I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

A fly came in through the window.

My new, very expensive (for me) engineered underwear systems are line drying. It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

It's phase I of new stuff: "I'll treat it with care and follow the wash instructions". By next year, I'll be throwing them in the dryer with socks and washcloths.

It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

Dear god, how wet are you?

It's the season of the witch..Halloween. Can't wait for the horror flicks to start playing non-stop.

Also waiting for my first glass of eggnog. Is it too soon?

Mmm. Tangerines. Let Octoberfest begin.

wtf is an engineered underwear system?

I'm on the subway late for work, feeling dead inside thinking about the dysfunctional shitshow that awaits. Perhaps this should be posted elsewhere if it is too "whelming"...

I feel your pain r52

Just think it will only be a few hours and you'll join us on Datalounge

I'm taking my GMC pickup to be smogged today so I can renew the registration.

And who says I don't have a life?

I have to pee.

I successfully walked to work today using an immobilizer brace and a crutch, result of ACL reconstruction surgery.

Yesterday was horrific, so this morning I treated myself to a bowel of Edy's Texas Pecan Pie ice cream

A whole bowel, R57? Wasn't it cold going in?

I'm sitting here reading DL and drinking a Powerade when I should be outside doing yard-work.

R57 Woops, bowl!

Marry me, R58!

I still miss Mary Tyler Moore and cannot believe she's dead.

I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

talk about a shitstorm

It could have been. The BF was medically in need of the procedure and roommate was going about it all wrong. He had hung the bag as high as it would go and the BF was in agony with cramping. I unknowingly walked in on this little drama. Having had training as a Navy Hospital Corpsman, I told roommate to get out of the way and I did the procedure myself. Twice. Really great way to meet your roomie's new BF.

wtf is an engineered underwear system?

It's underwear, but they throw so much babble into the description that it becomes an engineered underwear system.

They're trunks with anti-microbiology or something technology and mesh,cotton and lycra and they probably lift your ass while creating a nice free-swing basket for your junk. Plus, they accommodate your thighs while avoiding that whole jock strap waistband that is so annoying. Plus, they don't have a maker name plastered all over them.

You have to hand-wash/drip dry or they lose their magic properties.

They accommodate your thighs? But not like a jockstrap?

What does that mean?

2 more weeks until I pay off my mortgage.

The other day, I rearranged some furniture. Today I moved everything back.

(I don't understand the Jeremy Renner threads, either, R20. I gave it a go one day and tried googling to understand who, what, and why anyone gives a shit. Nothing. I block them and the Tommy and Gio threads and others that are multi-part inside-joke threads by obsessed stans and haters that begin with something like "part 8--continue bitching" or "part 10--you know what to do.")

My cat meowed.

Off today! Suffering from "While I'm at it, might as well…"

I've sanded down my very dead dad's expandable scaffolding plank and I'm going to use it as a wall shelf. I have to drill into a cinder block wall to bolt in the ledge it will rest on. While I'm at it, I should drill in two (three? Four?) holes for picture frame hooks. I have some old Indian portraits that could go up there, but they are too small and too matchy. Plus, I'm trying to stick with oil paintings this season.

R66, I'm not going to advertise underwear brands, but newer trunks feature stretchier leg openings of flatter material instead of the thicker tape.

I dreamt that they people that bought my old place had moved it right into the main street.

And they had turned into Trent and Jane Lane.

I'm waiting for a phone number port from my old telco-it's taking forever. And all the support is off-shored.

I'm back. I have a new survival policy: I only post anon or with joke names; I don't block people (just scroll by, and don't engage the loons) but I do block annoying threads. So far, so good.

I ate fries for lunch.

R68, I followed the Renner threads, and I still mostly don't know what they're talking about (a fangirl won a contest of some sort?). I also might or might not have seen a certain video that might or might not have existed on another unnamed site for a very short time before it, and its entire thread, was deleted.

I saw that too, R73. The contest is an app thing. They're pissed because they had to tell a sob story to win but the winner was the one who spent the most money buying app credits, who also happens to be the main bully on the app blah blah. It'll suck you in, and before you know it your whole life is about coming on DL to find the threads they haven't deleted. I haven't been out of the house in three days.

The top of my right foot, about 4 inches below my big toe, feels like it is being burned with acid or something. It's horrible. I wonder if it has anything to do with Cipro I was given for a UTI.

I used to like the threads on DL that would pop up every so often where you could get a synopsis of some long-running threads. In addition to not being able to keep up with the Renner threads, I haven't kept up with the Aaron Rodgers stuff, or the dead/missing wife of the hot pastor.

Damn, I ff'd myself again. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes when I decide to block a thread I accidentally ff the poster. But I don't know how I ff myself.

I just found out my SNAP benefits have been reduced to $102 from $139. I'm on SSI and receive $735 a month. Apparently the government thinks I'm rich, though I suspect it's really just a plot to kill off the poor.

Excuse me, we need tax cuts, R78. Stop being selfish

Bravo Zulu, R64.

I hope I never have to do that.

Thank you, R80. When I saw what was going on, I couldn't let the poor guy suffer. It was no big deal to me, but when you're on the business end of something like and you're not feeling well in the first place, it helps if you have someone help you who knows what he's doing. The weird thing is, he still can't seem to look me in the eye. To me, the procedure was as rote as changing a tire or something.

Any discussion of suffering does not belong in an underwhelming thread.

Why does Richard Harris sing about " a stripe-ed pair of pants" in "MacArthur Park"? As if the song wasn't already weird enough. I've never heard "striped" pronounced that way anywhere else. And why does he add an "S" ("MacArthur's Park") when that's not the title?

That's what you got from MacArthur Park? Not the fact that Harris calls it "MacArthur's Park" through the whole song? Or the rivers flowing through the sky? Or his magnificently ridiculous sideburns?

Here's Jimmy Webb et al performing MacArthur Park on Letterman

I’m starting to tuck those little cotton pads against my anus before I put on my underwear. Is this how a prolapsed anus starts or is a little bit of moisture down there normal?

No idea, R86.

My orchid is blooming. I think I will get maybe 13 blooms this year.

My orchid is blooming.

There's a Blanche Devereux euphamism if I've ever heard one.

Back in the day there was no way of finding out the lyrics of a song on 45rpm, so there were lots of misheard words

In MacArthur Park, I thought some lines were "Spring was never waiting for us girls, it ran one step ahead as we frolicked in the grass" and "old men slaying chickens by the trees."

Today Jeff Sessions acted as if he is the victim of dementia...hard times, working for a "fucking moron."

I bought new laces for all my shoes. When I get home tonight, I'm going to change them all out and polish the shoes.

The best thing that happened all day is that when I woke up I remembered this wasn't a shave day ( I shave 3 times a week or as needed and hate shaving).

While I was in line to get the new license plate sticker for my pickup, the guy standing in front of me had the nicest, roundest ass I think I've ever seen. I wanted to just reach out and grab it, but of course I didn't, because they don't like you doing that kind of shit at the DMV.

Did someone say Jeremy Renner?!

I went back on keto and I've been in bed all day with a terrible migraine-level headache.

I put a cat collar with a bell on my kitty.

Not exactly underwhelming, but I didn't know where else to put it: Great Britain's entry for Father of the Year 2017

Put up orange Halloween lights on my porch (big Halloween neighborhood here). When it got dark I went out and turned them on. Noticed something lit up orange on a low branch of my pear tree, which is about 7 ft from my house. Thought it was some kind of optical illusion,so I walked to tree and there was a tiny owl looking down at me. It let me try to take photos, but it was too dark for me to properly focus on the correct branch.

I wonder how many times that little owl has been there and I hadn't noticed?

I feed birds on the ground (especially rogue guinea fowl and a. neighbor's bossy free range chicken). Probably mice come out at night to eat the leftovers and that's what the little feller was waiting for. Probably an eastern screech owl.

R99 — I LOVE little owls! You're very lucky to have seen one.

The hot DILF in the neighborhood who did all of his yard work shirtless just moved out. A doughy middle-aged couple appears to be moving in. Damn.

I saw a bit of the 90s Casper film (which, in retrospect, was pretty dark for a kids' film) on TV today and I found myself craving Ribena, which I haven't drunk since I was a kid. Then I remembered that, when the film was released, Ribena ran a competition to win Casper merchandise, so he was pictured on the cartons. It just goes to show the power of advertising that I still made the associated all these years later.

There’s a gnat or fruit fly or something in my office, I feel it ever so lightly light into my hair, or the back or my hand, or my ear, but the little fucker flies away before I can get it. I look like I’m shooing the thin air like a schizophrenic.

I love me some Casper. But I never saw the movie. I just watched the cartoon as a kid so hearing the theme makes me feel like I'm 10 again.

This tweet confirms what I had suspected for a long time: the creator of Mrs Betty Bowers is a DataLounger.

Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO: "Now, Officer, if you look in the basement, I'm going to be REALLY cross!"

I went surfing today. I'm not usually one to go surfing when it isn't toasty warm, even though I have a great cold weather wet suit, but the waves were pretty good and the air temp was pretty warm.

It's the other way around, R105. Betty started the "Mrs Patsy Ramsey of Boulder Colorado" jokes and Datalounge picked them up from her.

I have heartburn, but I can’t stop eating this chili.

Pop a Pepcid

I have heartburn today, too. I took a Prilosec and a Pepcid and it seems better.

Today I bought a pound of See's assorted dark chocolates and hid them in the tool drawer in the garage so my partner won't find them. If he did, he'd eat them all. I'll sneak one or two a day when he's not looking. Actually, See's Candy tastes way better when you have to sneak it.

I've just finished watching the last 15 minutes of "SITC2."

I'm going to New Zealand soon but can't seem to get motivated to pack today. I mean, I just read this whole thread.

Also, R71, when the infamous 'I just had sex with Jani Lane' thread started here, I didn't know who he was and thought someone was being stupid about Jane Lane ... so I didn't read it till after Jani Lane had died.

I just spent 350 dollars on the Clarisonic Smart Profile Uplift System

It better do its job and uplift my profile

I defrosted some leftover chili from Halloween tonight. It was good. I put Texas Pete, shredded cheddar, and sour cream on it. I also added some Fritos scoops. We only buy those at Holidays.

I couldn’t see Thor 3 last night because I was 17 minutes late.. The theater’s cutoff is 10 minutes. God forbid you should miss the previews.

Enrenmann's singly wrapped crumb cakes taste so much better than the big crumb cake

Ah, R107, that possibility never occurred to me.

I'm going to pour myself a nice hot mug of coffee and go cradle the fuck out of it.

For a minute there, I forgot The Alamo.

By boyfriend cut a board wrong so now I have to buy another piece of wood.

They're shooting deer in the field across the street. I've had a really pretty deer in my yard recently eating berries. I hope she gets away. I don't like deer eating my flowers but I don't want them to get the death penalty for it.

I have a bunch of towels that need to be folded. I really don't want to do it.

Humidifiers blast cold, watery air. I wish they weren't necessary.

I am astonished, however, at how I instantly feel better as soon as I turn them on.

I have to go to Walmart and stare at filters hoping I pick the right size.

R118 And Slater's pins have no points—don't you always find that?” said Miss Craye, turning.

We were going to do yard work this weekend but had a really early snow so we just lazed around reading all weekend. Tonight I made pork chops and polenta with the chanterelle mushrooms our neighbor brought us and the cat presented us with his latest kill: a huge fat mouse who I think is the one I see in the kitchen sometimes at night. He's been getting into the cat food so I think this one was personal for "Mr Whiskers."

I ate too much.

When I make 7-layer dip I use canned chili instead of beans. It's much better.

I eat too much too. It's obviously sublimation for the fact that I haven't a man in my bed for over a year!!

This priest is totally gay!

I just googled a couple of long-ago exes and found out they are both still alive. With both of these guys, it's not a given, for different reasons.

The Hulu app on my tv always malfunctions right after finishing an episode. It gives me an "error connecting" message when I know darn well the tv has no connectivity issues, it's just the app being glitchy. So annoying,

I just had some pumpkin cheesecake

Ehh I wasn't impressed

The brownies from Dominos are pretty good.

My quietest cat woke me at 4:30 AM meowing like crazy. I went looking for her. When I couldn't find her, I decided to go back to bed. There she was at the top of the stairs with a mouse in her mouth. I was so startled I gasped and said "Oh my god!" which woke my husband, who thought we were being robbed or something. He jumped out of bed, the cat ran and we had to go under all the beds looking for her. (I sleep in a separate bedroom because I snore). She ran out from under a bed, leaving her mouse behind. Great fun getting the dead mouse from under the bed, but at least it was dead. A live mouse would have been so much worse.

My belly looks full but I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

This particular juxtaposition disturbs my underwhelm-ment.

My husband's cat does this hilarious trick where the laser pointer spot whips him into such a frenzy he literally runs on the wall, Matrix-style to catch it. So I decided to make a YouTube video of him and...zippideedoodah. Nothing. He just looked at the red dot with this polite, "oh, that's nice" expression and is now gazing out the window at the squirrels on the bird feeder. Fucking cats. They're all sons of bitches.

Cats will never do the entertaining behavior you want them to do, when a camera is on them. They'll do it endlessly on their own, but once you want them to do it, they just stare at you.

they just stare at you.

It's the evil grin that gets to me.

R101 I condole you.

The hot, balding, bearded straight married guy across the street - the one who has on a few occasions, early in the morning, beat off in his living room watching porn - has sadly moved out.

He looked a bit doughy on the street, but damn, he had an enormous cock. I'll miss seeing that Leaning Tower of Pisa blast off.

One of my cats meows when I tell him to, but I have to give him an exaggerated wink and move my head a little, otherwise he won't do it. He is the only cat I've ever owned who does a "trick." (Not that kind)

Last night I dreamed that my former teacher was famous. My former teacher was Jon Stewart. It was cold and rainy outside, so i popped into a deli in East Hampton. Stewart was there and asked me if I would attend a talent show where his nephew would sing. Of course! I said. He told me the talent show was to raise money for his nephew's school, and he wanted me to get all of my friends to attend, because he wanted a full audience. Sure, I said. I started calling people and asking them to buy a ticket. Everyone said no. I asked if they would attend if I bought a ticket for them and about half said, "OK." Shit, now I had to pay thousands of dollars for tickets and I didn't know how many people would actually show up. I was going to look bad in front of my former-teacher-and-now famous-person because it was going to look like I didn't have many friends. And it was going to cost me a fortune.

I got sick. It's fish for dinner.

This is not Airplane! I got sick before the fish.

I bought my cat an expensive scratching lounger thingy off Amazon because she deserves it. I'll be damned if she has cut off all contact with me in order to spend all her time on that thing. Damn you, Amazon! Damn you all to hell!

I had to get up TWICE last night to urinate.

I think I'll get one of those big Cranberry Juice glass bottles and place it under my bed.

In two months' time, it'll be the 10th anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. OMG. I feel so old.

Did Heath have genuine talent? More than the schmucks who fester our screens today?

Oh no, IMDB has gone down!

^ It's OK. It's up again.

He improved with age, IMO, R149. Brokeback Mountain and The Dark Knight stand out as his best performances.

I farted so loudly my cat jumped

My gastro doctor examined my hole and said one of my hemorrhoids is thrombosed. He said it’s too inflamed to treat with the laser in his office and since it’s outside he can’t band it. So I have to do warm soaks and stool softener and return in two weeks for him to reevaluate.

I bought weird beer that ended up the bargain bin. It was cheap, made with watermelon and sea salt. It is not bad, more like a prosecco than a beer.

I just ate two big bowls of Thai hot and spicy noodle soup. I told myself I would stop at one but I knew that wouldn't happen. Now I'm sleepy.

I want to to make my own old-fashioned icicles with a sheet of foil and a paper shredder. I just got this idea today and I don’t own a paper shredder so I don’t even know if it’s possible.

R156 — You'll wake up quickly when that hot & spicy soup kicks in! I don't know how hot and spicy it is, but that Thai stuff has the capacity to blow you out a whole new asshole.

R153 — It's funny you should mention about your cat waking itself up by farting. I actually did that myself a few days ago. It has never happened before. It was like a gunshot.

R157 Scissors?

There was a young cute new dentist when I got a checkup last week. He was 6 feet 4 inches tall but it was hard to make out his body type under this scrubs and gown. Looked just slightly muscular. Full head of hair and nice voice. He made me think of Alexander the Great. His patient was an old whiny lady. Boo. :(

I don't know why this made me laugh so much. It hit just the right spot.

I just made arroz con pollo. I think it might be a bit too salty but it's pretty good. My mother gave me a bunch of coloured peppers from her garden so it looks very pretty.

Fresh garlic on pizza is pretty good.

They were out of the Spring Meadow scented Tide Pods, so I had to the the Sport scent.

I hope I don't regret it.

My feet are finally warm

I used to go to a particular store because the woman at the deli was friendly and knew how to process my order.

But they replaced her with a really ugly man and he is dumber than a box of rocks. How you can hear the word "mozzarella" and think "muenster" is beyond me.

This is fosr you, R160:

Is this gonna give The Hitachi Magic Wand a run for its money?

Italy have failed to qualify for the World Cup! First time in 60 years.

I have a growth above my ear. It started out small but now sticks out maybe 1/4 inch.

I haven't looked at it because that's scary.

Don't look at it r169.

It'll go away.

My friend and I had a good chuckle about a prank we pulled in our AOL days.

We were in an AOL chat room with a guy who was boasting about his appearance and endowment. We told him we would send him a photo of two hot pussies if he sent us a picture of his cock.

The photo he sent was impressive, who knows if it was his own.

We sent him a photo of my friend's two cats sitting on a radiator.......

I’m want to make chili tonight, but the pot is still dirty from the last time I made it.

The restroom spray stocked at work is called "FOREVER PINK," by Victoria's Secret. Both names makes me think of a vaginal infection.

I won my NFL pool this week. I think first prize is almost $200.

Just farted. No smell. Which is odd, since I hate an entire jar of hot salsa tonight, drinking it out of the jar.

R111 here again. My scheme worked. The pound of See's candy I hid in the garage is now all gone. I ate all of it myself. It lasted 11 days. Had my partner discovered it, it might have lasted two days. (Might). I took the empty box to work to throw away, so there would be no evidence. I'm going to buy some more over the weekend and do the same thing. I don't mind sharing, but with some people if you give them one piece they'll wind up eating the whole box.

Anticipating the reaction I know is bound to be forthcoming after this confession, here's the disclaimer: neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

R176 - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?

Psssst....wanna see my big black cock, R171?

I was at the store this morning and a woman had a complete meltdown. I used to work retail and thought I'd seen it all, but this bit had an overture, first act, intermission, second act AND an 11 o'clock number.

Why?

Because the store put vanilla cake on the shelf and she took it home and made it and only after making it did she realize it was chocolate, because they put the box on the wrong part of the shelf, and now she's going to SUE them for gross negligence because her mother in law doesn't eat any fucking chocolate CAAAAAAKE!

(And as an aside: I am so frustrated.....I have carried my cell with me for a decade everywhere. I stop carrying it in the last week because we're having a rash of robberies where thieves take iPhones, and since Monday I've witnessed a car accident, a thief stealing a package from someone's porch AND this!)

WTF 181 those three paragraphs OVERwhelmed ---Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

LOL!

Sorry, R182!

Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

Shallow breaths only r182.

Politically incorrect opinion in California: I hate the rain.

China poured more concrete from 2011 to 2013 than America did during the entire 20th century.

i have the hiccups.

i just can't wake up today

Achoooo. Allergies.

I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

You can boil those suckers for an hour and they won't soften up. They aren't really 'baby' carrots but gnarly carrots that nobody will buy. They cut them up and then treat them with chlorine.

I have been having headaches and feeling like I have to shit all the time.

"[R176] - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?"

I've actually done that in the past. The problem is, he eats whatever it is I've bought for him, then when it's gone he manages to eat the rest of mine, too. I realize how terrible that sounds, but I reiterate, neither one of us is fat. We normally don't keep sweets in the house. (Mainly because he always finds and eats them).

I usually take a walk before dinner, but today I didn't.

I read a post on a Facebook Old Homes Renovation page. Prior occupants who stayed 60 days passed the closing date poured concrete down the kitchen drain as a parting gift to the new owners. That's what happens when you buy a house under foreclosure. Talk about a kitchen sink drama!

^^^In case you were wondering why so many landlords are unfeeling assholes.

A relative of mine has come out as trans on national tv I'm glad my mother is dead because it would have killed her.

the voices won't leave me alone.

I have a cold and spent most of last night sneezing, so I bought some nasal spray this morning. Now I've stopped sneezing altogether, but my throat hurts and no matter how much I cough, I can't clear it. With hindsight, the constant sneezing was the lesser evil. #firstworldproblems

I'm getting ready to replace my kitchen appliances and washer/dryer in one fell swoop. Better than stringing it out, I thought.

Eat a teaspoon or two of honey, R199.

Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

I just made pastry cream for the first time, but I made too much.

It used 12 eggs.

Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

He's just trying to keep up with you, dear.

Whenever I see people wearing those Apple AirPods hanging out of the ears in the street, I can't stop thinking of this—

I went to Chuck E. Cheese. Not to eat or play games. For the theater.

My hotmail page has been frozen on my iPhone for the last 2 days :(

I watched Female Trouble with my niece Anna two weeks ago. She's 7.

My sister called yesterday because Anna is getting at trouble at school for telling other kids, "Who are you.....UGLY?"

She also said that Anna asked her little brother to call her Taffy.

My work here is DONE!

Won't someone PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?????!!!!!!!???????

I don't know where to file this.

Could someone please start a "I really, really want to be underwhelmed" thread.

Please?

I had sour patch kids for breakfast.

I can't quite believe this is real. Anyone who buys this sweater should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

I have a headache today. I may have a headache two or three times per annum, max. If you see some guy sitting on his front porch in eye mask and noise-canceling headphones, it's probably me.

My rear end is very sore from being in the car all day. I’m relieved we just pulled in to the hotel parking lot. Soon my rump will rest.

My stomach hurts really bad. I ate a whole plate of food on Thanksgiving and yesterday. I never eat that much food at once. Never again.

I just had a Milky Way bar for dinner.

Do I need to empty my bowels? I can't be sure. I'll have to stand up and twist around to feel if there's enough in my bowels to evacuate them.

Do I remember evacuating them morning? Or was that memory from yesterday?

My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses. I have this old pair that are rimless and make this elder look even more elder. I went to the optometrist to get a new pair but didn't cause they didn't take my insurance.

They managed to twist the rimless ones back into shape. They were fine except that they are easily lost because they blend in to the background.

I sat on them and one of the bows broke off so now it is a real professional look. I bought some readers but still procrastinate about getting a new pair. Pretty fucking boring minutiae...... how did Proust make it so interesting?

Oh yeah he was a genius

Oh, man, R219! I really relate to the glasses thing. I am constantly losing them or sitting on them. Stepped on them once. The worst thing is when I’m frantically running around the house looking for them and can’t find them—and then realize I’ve pushed them to the top of my head and forgot. Again.

My partner baked three turkeys. Fifty pounds of turkey are 49 pounds more than I think we need for frozen leftovers. I don't particularly like turkey.

Visiting family today (Sunday). I’ll always remember walking in to face intervention (s) during the holiday season.

I discovered a spelling error in Cleveland's traffic statistics report for 1953. To whom shall I report the error?

Was cleaning my bathroom today. Used my trusty Clorox bathroom cleaner with bleach spray. I sprayed the tub, and also the tiles the go to the ceiling in the tub area. About a half hour later I was putting towels away and noticed that my brand new Navy blue towels, that had been folded On the shelf next to the tub had bleach "spray" marks all Over. Now they are ruined. They are Navy blue with pink spray spots.

My phone sucks. Not sure if it's my actual iPhone 7 plus that sucks or if this site has ruined my phone and gave me a virus. I'm thinking of getting the iPhone X because of this.

Also looking for a new job this week.

I was good this weekend. Only bought a couple things during the Black Friday sales

To whom shall I report the error?

You just did r223. The DL is the repository for all such meaningless shit.

My penis is hard.

Still r226?

R226

Was your hard penis aroused by some erotic stimulation or was it just a waking dream? They are the hardest.

I get perverse pleasure by going into the kitchen late at night and suddenly turning on the light and using a fly swatter to thwack the inevitable 2 or 3 cockroaches I see scuttling away.

There's a fairly large puff of dog hair hanging from a single strand of spider web in the laundry room. I should clean it but it's kind of fascinating the way it wafts in the draft every time a door opens or shuts.

I have never seen The Sixth Sense. Is it worth watching if, like me, you already know the twist?

The twist is pretty evident from the get-go, so just enjoy the ride.

Thanks, R232, I'll give it a try.

My doctor tells me to reduce my cholesterol by eating stodgy porridge.

I sits like a dead weight in my stomach and I have to wait 6 months to find out if it's effective in any way.

Friends to the end.

Cody and Howell Emanuel Donaldson III

^ I don't suppose Howell Donaldson III (on the left) isn't any relation to Thurston Howell III.

It's just emerged that my younger brother thought Princess Diana was William & Harry’s older sister. And we’re British. He was only a toddler when she died, but still. Jesus Christ.

That's ok, R237. I thought Anne was the family horse

I accidentally farted while walking past one of my hot boss' door and immediately coughed and ran paper through the shredder for distraction. I hope he forgets by Monday that it ever happened.

He might forget but I remember!

Who is this Muriel person?

Does Muriel come in and exercise "Flood Control" every time as I want to share my wisdom

I drank seven pints of beer of last night and fell asleep at 10.

But my brain woke me up at 2.30 and at 6.00am and again at 9.30 am to urinate out those seven pints of beer.

I think Dianne Feinstein should retire, don't you?

She looks at Death's Door with those sad, saggy eyelids which must be hell to paint with a mascara pencil.

R219: My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses.

Look under the couch cushions and then under the couch. That’s where mine were, twice.

R231: I have never seen The Sixth Sense

I thought it was a great movie.

There's a difference between Christmas/Holiday songs and Winter songs.

Silent Night and White Christmas are Christmas Songs.

Baby It's Cold Outside and Winter Wonderland are Winter songs. As such, they may be performed and heard into March.

However, thank god they are not.

Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

The first reason I've had to remain alive in YEARS!

Sept. 18, 1966: Diane Habegger of Van Nuys, the mother of three, organizes Housewives Voice for Lower Prices. They point out that the cost of bread had gone from 37 to 41 cents a loaf in two weeks

My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

And Swoosie Kurtz as "Susie Squirts."

Double ply Quilted Northern plugs my toilet.

I have to go back to single ply but Scott brand hurts. Tree bark would feel better.

It has become darker, earlier. I have just begun to notice this.

Della, try Scott Rapid Dissolve. It is two ply, and doesn't hurt. It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a film and it is so ugly, it ruins every scene that it is in.

R91 I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

Are you one of the Magdalene Sisters?

R251 My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

My mom not only renames stars, but calls any of them I like my friends.

She'll say, "It starred your friend, Faye Dunahugh."

Oh, thanks, r254.

It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

At that age, you're lucky you can still sit on a toilet. (*_~)

I will go on an all-liquid diet when I reach 60.

I hate the drama of intestinal scraping and blockages.

I wear rubber gloves whenever I have to touch water— including in the shower and whenever I perform a bowel-movement

I just cleaned some bird poop off of the hood of my Honda CR-V using paper towels and a spray bottle of water.

I guess bird poop is acidic.

I am overwhelmed by the smell of ammonia when I empty my urine bottle.

There is a toenail on my left foot that is very hard to cut. I've had it checked multiple times and it does not have fungus.

^. You need to get a friend or a colleague to try it.

It's hard to get a good position to manoeuvre on your own feet. That's why I love my new foot scraper!

I had a dream that all my teeth fell out. When I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream.

So camp!

"Blacula" is on Retro TV now. It's fun to watch it.

I remember seeing it during its 70s first run at the Modjeska Theatre. I was too frightened to watch it through and left early.

I just learned that if you Google "All I Want for Christmas Is You", the results page has a Christmassy heading.

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" This season, for the first time, I finally heard that song from start to finish. It's superb pop music.

"Scream, Blacula, Scream", " is on now. Already I can tell it won't be as fun to watch as "Blacula".

"Music composed and conducted by Bill Marx".

I've been stuck all week watching my step-grandson and I've taught him the Harpo Marx Handshake routine. The kid performs it like a champ:

I bought a blender to encourage myself to eat more fruit.

Tonight I made a new mix of ⅔ cantaloupe and ⅓ skim milk plus two spoons of desiccated coconut.

How did you type those fractions?

^ Well, I just typed in a 2 and a / and a 3 and suddenly a ⅔ popped into place.

That cantaloupe smoothie was unusual in that it was based on milk.

Most of my others have oranges as their base. And I add on apples or carrots or celery or berries.

I hate 99% of Christmas music, especially Jingle Bell Rock.

Underwhelm is a fairly recent addition to the English language, and as is often the case with such young words, there is a certain amount of misinformation regarding where it came from.

I just thought of a couple of fun exit lines:

See you later, masturbator.

After a while, pedophile.

I came here to post something, but now I forget what.

All we did for outdoor Christmas lights was put a 90 watt white spotlight under each (6 of 'em) tree; nothing else. We also put up a large wreath with small white lights with a large red bow.

I like it, but, truth be told, I honestly can't make up my mind if the effect is elegant and subtle or blah and dull.

^ I'm not Catholic or superstitious but I'd feel uneasy placing wreath on my door.

Jesus died at Easter time not Christmas.

Yeah, R282, but only for three days. Does the time he was "dead" really count?

Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, r283.

So, I guess I'm not supposed to dip my bread into the peanut butter jar. Sometimes my mam makes me feel like a seven year old.

There's a Claudia Lamb (Heather Hartman from MH,MH) tribute on YT. It's a little less than a minute long but provides a link to an actual Claudia Lamb interview from 10-28-16.

The tediousness of dressing with an awreness of thr various articles of clothing w hen worn together, i.e. length of shirt and height of waistband, degree of sheerness of shirt, camisole versus bra, cleavage and help style, length of pants, type of sock, type of shoe, color match, Brown or black leather for shoes and purse, outerwear in comparison to outfit, likelihood of perspiring and the appropriate deodorant, etc. ad infinitum.

R279

😂😂😂😂 Love you.

Fifty minutes ago a strange man's mouth was around my penis.

It was pleasant even if he wasn't particularly attractive.

His mouth was wonderfully warm.

"Dog food lid" spelled backward is “dildo of god.”

"Jesus" read backward sounds like "sausage."

What is the difference between lint, dust and dander?

I suck it all up in my Dyson Stick but can I place it all down the lavatory bowl?

Look at the two harmonious curves of the man on the right's stomach and buttock

I'm watching this movie on YouTube.

It's directed by James Whale and features an absolutely OTT role for Mrs Patrick Campbell.

^ "One More River" (1934)

I just slipped and fell on my way from the kitchen. That’s what I get for being a fat girl.

I cut ma toe. I took the recycle bag out of the bin to bring it out to the garage and I kicked it when I walked past it. With my luck, I managed to kick a heavy glass canister that had been broken in half. I'm lucky I didn't sever the toe from my foot.

I had another of my flying dreams which originated my childhood Parkour (*look it up in a dictionary*)

I fly vast differences over cities that I know. Of course, my greatest problem is avoiding the telegraph wires because I don't like flying too high. But you'd be amazed how you can pick a flight path to avoid them. Last night I flew across the harbour to avoid them.

I just watched Planes Trains and Automobiles and Steve Martin's wife looks like she's on barbiturates through the whole thing

I have never been a big holiday person....and always go to an extended family's endless dinner where we arrive two hours early.

This year (and at Thansgiving) I bucked tradition by arriving a half an hour late for the drinks portion.

Something big keeps pooping in my front yard.

I posted upthread about EBT benefits being cut. SSI just gave us a raise from $735 to $750 per month. So EBT went down from $102 to $95. Net gain of $8 for rise in "cost of living." I wonder how republicans live with themselves sometimes.

^. Are you taking about Electronic benefit transfer, R301?

Yes, r302, a.k.a. Food Stamps a.k.a. SNAP.

I just found out that one of my two actual, legitimate enemies died today of cancer. My other enemy is his wife. I wish I had even a little bit of regret, but I still despise them both. They did me a lot of damage.

Like mortal enemies, R304?

R301 I guess you didn't appreciate that thread from a couple of months ago in DL where about 20 or so DLers (who I assume had retired and were able to calculate their assets and) declared they were worth over a million dollars.

I haven't the wherewithal to calculate mine but my best friends says most have more than they know.

OK, (Julianne Moore) seriously, some of you noobs need to go read old Underwhelmed threads because you're missing the fucking point of the entire thing. And, for that matter, you should be reading old threads to get a sense of tone for this entire place because you're fucking it all up.

R305, well the one is mortal anyway, since he's dead now. Hopefully the other stone-cold cunt will prove her mortality soon enough.

R300 , could it be a raccoon? They come to our house looking for cat food every night, and sometimes I'll see poop on the sidewalk and think it might be them because most people will pick up after their dogs.

We have skunks too; they have such luxurious tales.

Tales of what, R309? I thought skunks led pretty boring lives.

Sorry, it's me r300. I can't help it and your daisies are sooooo inviting!

I’m the musical Cats!

I love Cats and cats.

Two owls are hooting at each other in the woods behind my house. They're really loud. It sounds something like this:

My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because I snore. He is vegetarian and weighs 150lbs soaking wet. Last night he turned the thermostat up so high that I had to open my window an inch (it was 12 degrees outside) and drag my summer fan out of the closet. When I finally tried to turn down the thermostat, I couldn't. He'd broken it. Seriously. The heat won't stop.

He's always been cold. But when I walked into his bedroom early today, what did I see? His fucking air conditioner is still in his window! It's uncovered. It's 13 degrees and windy outside, he's got the equivalent of an open window in his room and my room is 84 degrees! Stupidity like this is unfathomable.

Zac Efron’s acting career.

I'm ill and instead of offering comfort my cat sits on his favourite cushion and looks at me like he is slightly disgusted and confused, and wants a cuddle. So I pick him up for a cuddle and he looks uncomfortable and fucks off back to his cushion.

Heinz mayonnaise is not as good as Hellman's/Best Foods.

I'm so worried about my Guinea fowl. They sleep in trees and live their whole lives outdoors. They've gone through cold weather before, but not extended, like this. Maybe a few days of single digits and teens temperatures, then it gets to be about 30 degrees, which is fine with them. I looked at the 10 day outlook and there are no days where the temperature gets out of the low twenties and all days have lows in the single digits. This sucks.

r319, what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs? Curious. I hear they're good for keeping down ticks.

Do they have a coop, R319? Leave it open and make sure they have deep clean bedding but other than that you don't need to worry about them. You might try giving them an evening feed of corn but that's about it.

I just got some blood test results back: bad liver and kidney numbers. I'm quite scared.

Be careful with your kidneys. I knew a very wealthy alcoholic who was struck down at age 65.

I am so whelmed that I am deleting this thread from my favorites.

I understand R324. I can't expect you to share my pain in that my nightmares are getting worse with age.

They're getting worse in that my self-knowledge is increasing inversely with the deterioration of all those valves, bones, ligaments and soft flesh which all adds to horrible, horrible nightmares.

Take it to a thread that cares r325.

My cat is rather fond of marzipan stollen.

I have a test tomorrow morning and I havent studied yet

I just found online the full length version of a highlights porn video which I've jerked off to in the past, and the full length version is no more exciting than the highlights.

That is common R329. We have short attention span now.

I'm listening to songs from the I Am Sam soundtrack (even though I've never seen the film), and all I can think of Robert Downey Jr's "never go full retard" speech in Tropic Thunder.

While watching Jimi Hendrix- Voodoo Child on Netflix I realized Lenny Kravitz copies his clothing style.

Lenny Kravitz is a Half-jewish copy-cat

I grew up saying "hot chocolate" instead of "cocoa."

I'm sick and goddamn tired of my partner's life long straight male friend contacting me because my boyfriend won't respond to him. Said friend lives in a European country and loves to contact us at inopportune times because he's too fucking stupid to understand the time difference. I always end up being the one arguing politics and whatever else this guy wants to bitch about. Why must I keep up my boyfriend's friendships? This has been going on for years.

I dread this evening's inevitable multiple Golden Globes threads. Those uncomfortable which thread will be "it?" moments before the prevailing thread takes over, unnerves me.

R335 — You can put an end to it by abruptly, when he's in mid-sentence, say to him, "I'll bet you have a really big cock. Got any dick pics?" Or if you think that's a little too hardcore, you could say instead, "What color underpants are you wearing right now?"

You're welcome.

Sage advice for new year—

I use a mouse instead of the touchpad.

The roller thing on the top of the mouse, in the middle, just stopped responding.

I worry it is broken.

I hate these fuckers. I keep finding them in my house.

what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs?

My guinea fowl don't have a coop. They sleep in trees. They just showed up one day. There were 15 of them. They've been whittled down to 3. There were 4 of them for 5 years, but I lost one last winter (during a warm spell, oddly).

I keep them for eating ticks. In summer they eat birdseed as a snack, but in winter I have to seriously feed them. They're idiots, but I like them.

They are all male. The females all died the first summer because they lay eggs out in the open and sit on the nest day and night, where they end up getting consumed by hawks, owls, dogs, raccoons, possums, foxes. We don't have coyotes here, but they are big consumers of guinea fowl as well.

I had the creepiest dream last night. I was lying in my bed when I felt this invisible force - (i.e. a ghost) - pushing down on my chest and my throat so that I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear it screaming aggressively at me, although I couldn't make out what it was saying. When I woke up, I was in that confused, half-asleep state, so it took me a few minutes to realise that it must have been a dream.

Salesforce Tower, underwhelming by design, opens for business

Noted skyscraper comes with San Francisco’s lack of “visual swagger”

God, that building is ugly. It looks like a mechanical pencil.

I put a pizza in the toaster oven and ate an apple while it was cooking and now I'm not even hungry anymore and don't want to eat the pizza.

I hate Sunday so much I feel like crying.

I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)

I'm going to throw my garbage down the chute in the compactor room now.

I'm back.

"I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)"

I take my nail clippings and toss them into the garden, where, hopefully, they'll turn into compost and nourish the plants. I view this as the ultimate recycling.

Glad you're back R350. We missed you.

I put cotton sheets on my bed yesterday, but now I hear we're in for another cold snap. I want to change, but that would mean removing two blankets and a comforter as well as the sheets.

My feet stink. I should get in the tub but I'm watching bad tv and don't wan to stop.

A cute boy stared at me when I was in line at the supermarket. He totally wants me.

I just woke up and I have to pee. My place is cool and my bed is warm and I don’t want to get up.

^ I have a glass jar (with lid) under my bed for use in the night.

I don't follow Sarah Miles' philosophy so I rinse out the jar in the bathroom in the morning and let it drain in the yard.

When I'm rinsing I note that the hot liquid from my body has caused condensation under the lid of the jar and I wonder if this condensation liquid is "clean".

Lick it.

My Siberian Husky appropriated one of my unwashed tennis socks a couple of weeks ago and carries it around everywhere with her. She won't let me take it away from her and is very possessive of it. Of course I'm letting her keep it. I just can't understand what the attraction is. She's had plenty of opportunity to pilfer my clothing, socks, underwear, etc., but has never done it before. The sock is now getting kind of ratty looking, but she seems to love it.

Lick it.

r358, your Husky is a wicked practical joke-playing minx and I think I love her.

My cat walked across my laptop keyboard and somehow managed to invert images on my second monitor! I had no idea that could be done. Took me a couple minutes to figure out how to close the open windows (with the mouse, up was down, left was right) undo what he did. That would have been a funny call to the Help Desk.

R358 She is doing it for your smell. Same reason why dogs eat glasses, etc.

If it has the smell of their human on it they are all about it. Just happened to be your sock.

I just went to an AA meeting (non-dramatic...it's just part of my regular week.)

This (perhaps homeless ?) woman came in a bit late and was sitting a few seats away from me, coughing for most of it.

I left 5 minutes before the end, when we hold hands for the Serenity Prayer, because I don't want to get sick.

#WinnerToday : (

R284 Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, [R283]

He was just taking Jennifer's Sleep Cure from VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. .

I know it's an old post, but R257 made me laugh.

I haven't smoked a J in decades. Retroplex is running a Toho Studios Godzilla marathon. I want to be stoned, with plenty of snacks.

I can't believe Animaniacs got away with this joke in the 90s:

I just beeped one and I'm too lazy to get up and see if I made a mess of myself.

^ Don't stain the sheets, R368!

I've been watching the latest series of 'Naked Dating' and they've obviously been scraping the bottom of the barrel to find a personable man to go naked.

Finally, Sam has arrived.

I just watched a dust bunny blow across the living room floor. So pretty.

Seriously, all I did today was jerk off and nap over and over and over again. I could get something done now but I kinda just want to get back in bed.

Fair enough, R372. Did you jerk a second time?

I'm mildly obsessed with Adam Driver at the moment. I have no idea why.

My friend wants me to come over, but I'm tired and don't feel like it. I may go. I may not go.

Missing a kick

at the icebox door

It closed anyway

Are desk organizers used as succulent planters a thing in flyover circles?

I'm deeply offended as soil should not be in proximity to paperwork.

My ex-husbands gave me some indoor Spathyfiliums.

But they're more trouble than pretty.

It’s not a raccoon pooping in my front yard. Around here their poo has a lot of seeds in it. And the poo is standing upright like Mr. Hankey giving me an FU. Sick.

I'm afraid that these Proud Parenting ads may land me in prison for kiddie porn.

I just smashed the first digit of my middle finger with a hammer. Hurts like fuck. I have ice on it and took a couple of pills. Really hard to open pill bottles with one hand. I hope it isn't broken. I should just be a brain in a jar. I'm too clumsy for corporeal existence.

I am sorry that you are injured r381.

But in 2018 it is joyful that you can be underwhelming.

I guess what I am saying is that I am actually glad that you hurt yourself in such an underwhelming way.

I ate some eggs. They were pretty good.

I just gave my two Huskies a snack and they're now chasing each other all over the yard. God, they're having fun!

I bought a coat without realizing it's coming from Shanghai. Some tiny Asian must have been fitted for size medium. It's snug around the the armpits and sleeves are short. The chinaman said the cost to return it would be more than the coat itself.

I should wear glasses due to my astigmatism (oval shaped pupils or some shit) but I havent in more than 10 years and I guess I can see fine. My brother has worn glasses forever and when he takes them off his eyes look strangely tiny -wtf is up with that?

My dog barks at my nice and friendly dad everyday, EVERY DAY and he paid for the damn dog. I am stuck with dumb dog.

Not to mention he is stuck with dumb you R387.

Your dad needs to keep dog treats in a pants pocket.

In the 12 years of elementary/JH/HS school we never had one snow day. Since I moved back to the area, it snows constantly in winter. Big storms, little storms, dustings, several feet of snow. Wet snow, dry snow, slush, sleet.

Fuck this

In my threadlist the first entry was just: "What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?"

Immediately followed by "Tommy Lee's Cock"

I Want To Be Underwhelmed

Read the Devin Nunes memo.

I'm supposed to be working from home but all I've done is organize my photos and watch YouTube vids of some Canadian lady exploring abandoned houses.

I kind of like the smell of my fingers right now. But I can't describe how they smell. Jealous, bitches!?

How long do I have until eating only coffee and chocolate bars for every meal will make me sick?

That will be approximately 1.3 days after you die r395.

I hate the word, 'peep'. It just skeeves me out. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

So, like, it turns out my body doesn't digest gummy bears. Yeah. Picture my toilet bowl.

Boo-Berry cereal will turn your shit bright green.

Picture my toilet bowl.

Pics please.

^Yes, please. We need to bear witness. Thank you and may peace be with your ass, now, and always.

Lemme just say that plucking gummy bears from my asshole made me feel like Whitney Houston on acid.

plucking gummy bears from my asshole made me feel like Whitney Houston on acid

More pics please!

I scratched my butt while I slept and now got doodoo under my nails

I just puked my guts out from an antibiotic.

I put my boogers under the sofa cushion.

Perhaps r404 could borrow your cushion r406?

I find myself thinking about eggs quite often.

Yesterday I was taking a piss and was looking at the wall in our bathroom, and I realized that I may not like the color so much after all. It looks a little washed out sometimes. I dunno.

I'm still drunk from yesterday. Considering giving up on trying to sober up and just cracking open another beer. This limbo sucks.

My fingers smell peculiar: A mix of burnt erasers, pig dung, and . . . watermelon?

Big fight brewing between my brother and my sister & brother-in-law. Dying to know all the details but don't really want to get involved. I'm just nosey and bored.

How many boo-boos do you think you have let today, so far?

Ludens has put menthol in its honey lemon and honey licorice cough drops. That sucks. I liked those cough drops because they *didn't* have menthol in them.

Menthol gives me a stomach ache and does nothing to soothe a sore throat or dry mouth.

I need me some taters!!!!

"I need me some taters!!!!"

It's funny you should say that, R315. I got to majorly craving me a mess of fried taters earlier today, so I made a special trip to Albertsons just to buy me a couple of Russets. I'm going to slice them real thin and fry them in bacon grease and that's going to be my dinner tonight, with LOTS of salt and pepper. The downside (if you can call it that) is that I'm going to be farting all night as a result.

Yeah, I know. I type fat. Surprisingly, I'm not.

I was going to do laundry tonight, but someone else was using washer.

I have to wake up in about five hours but I'm not really tired because I slept in very late today and took a nap later and I kinda feel like I should just get up and quite wasting time pretending I'm going to fall asleep but, if I do that, I know I'm going to be exhausted by the time I need to be "on" today.

Motherfuck -- I delay and delay emptying my history on my iPad because it takes so long to get back to posting on DL. I had to finally do it because my iPad was getting crazy. It's been two days already. I've signed in at least 20 times, but I still can't get back to posting yet. I understand some people get shitcanned for being ff'd but for Christ sakes, when all we've done is clear the damn browser for the first time in months, can't we get back in before signing in &I out 500 times?

I really like observing squirrels.

I hate squirrels. They steal all my birdseed. The birds eat and fly off, then come back before dusk to refuel, but the fucking squirrels spent all day, sun up to sun down, grabbing seed and burying it somewhere. They dig up my gardens - even my window boxes - to bury a cheekful of millet. Bastards.

A friend is coming over tonight to watch one of the 3 following movies:

Xanadu Can't Stop the Music The Sweetest Thing

Which one to choose??

What, no Ishtar, R422? No Heavens Gate? Waterworld?

And the winner was-Can't Stop The Music! Do the shake!

I just had a very loose bowel movement.

I know I'm going to hell for laughing about this. Someone I follow on Twitter posted a link to a PETA article about horse racing, and the summary said, "Behind the romanticized façade of thoroughbred horse racing is a world of injuries, drug abuse, gruesome breakdowns, and slaughter." I know that by "drug abuse" they mean horses being given performance-enhancing drugs or whatever, but I have this image in my head of a horse who's been seduced by the darker side of the racing industry and is shooting up heroin.

squirrels = death

My toe = so sore and tender to the touch.

Having late dinner tonight with my straight crush. That's if the weather doesn't skunk us afuckingain.

I don't know how to change a tire. I need to change my tire.

I bought a scratchcard today but didn't win. I knew I wouldn't but there was a brief moment of hope. I'm not desperately poor but I need new glasses, some dental work and for a plumber to sort out my leaking shower. I'm not greedy, a £1000 would had been enough. I'm just going to have to save up.

I can’t adjust to the time change yet. It’s messing up my stride, It feels like it’s 11:30, but it’s really now 12:30. I should be in bed instead of DL.

R427 wasn’t her name Rose? I completely forget her name.

r427 here. I believe you are right about her name, but I am no longer sure.

I think I broke my guts with hot pepper flakes.

I'm going to die here on the toilet in agony.

I bought a new iPad with 128g to replace my old one with 16g. Huge improvement in the battery life. My old iPad died after 3 hours. I get 10-12 hours on this new one. And it cost less than the old one, on sale in Best Buy.

But I can't post on Datalounge, lol. Gonna have to wait a couple of months I guess.

I wish my nephew would stop smoking.

I found this thing in one of the kitchen drawers. It was there when I moved in to this property last month. It looks like a bath plug but with a metal attachment. I tried it in the bath but it doesn't fit. I don't know what it is.

Does it fit in the kitchen sink drain?

I somehow broke a chunck out of my thumbnail three weeks ago. Filed it down but it was all slanted.

It has returned to normal now.

r439, the Underwhelmed threads are not interactive. They are non-sequiturial.

I need to go to the post office to pick up a letter there and i don't wanna go because the post office is such a pain. You have to queue for ages and then everyone there is always either fat, gross, ugly, smelly, retarded or all those things at once. I also think the letter is some paperwork from my downstairs neighbors' insurance accusing me of flooding that old bitch when i didn't.

My neighbor's dog is badly trained and releases its bowels on the sidewalk. Because my fat, smelly neighbor is too lazy to walk his Great Dane 500 feet to some grass.

I am making an appearance for jury duty this week.

They never pick me.

I will bring a book.

I think I'll make a proper pot of tea today and just relax.

P.U. I really stink. But I don't care. Not taking a shower.

^Judgers can all go blow various dead bears!

You know what really grinds my gears? Eponymous albums. Are you seriously telling me you can't think of a more interesting title than your own name? It's even worse when the same artist has more than one of them. Whitney's Houston's first album is called Whitney Houston, and her second is called Whitney. Kylie Minogue has one album called Kylie and another called Kylie Minogue.

We agree, R448.

This year will be the same as last year - warm February, freezing cold spring.

Today is my Saturday. I had to do an online test for a job application and tomorrow I’m getting a root canal. Plus my partner has been coughing his lungs out for a week. What a shitty weekend.

The guy who installed my new furnace told me the insulation under my double-wide needs to be re-stapled.

that was nice of him.

My dog pissed in the house 3 times today. I'm going to look for a recipe for maltipoo stew.

Your dog needs to go to the vet

There are a crazy little Carolina wren flitting around the outside of my house, making insanely loud whirring and buzzing and calling sounds. He pops up on every bush, railing, stump -- whatever he can find and just yells like crazy. He found out I throw peanuts outside to the other birds and I think he's trying to force me to give him all the peanuts, or else.

I've got a shard of popcorn kernel in my gum surrounding my right cuspid.

It hurts. I brushed my teeth and when my brush touched it, the pain caused my hair to stand on end.

I dig and dig and dig at it...I used floss, too. I suppose the floss pushed it further in.

R456 Rinse with warm salt water

Adam Rippon is the guest DJ on Ellen today. He said he loves Oyster Bay wine and said they sent him 4 cases of wine. He then said it was "like 12 bottles of wine." Uhm, there's 12 BOTTLES to a CASE. That's 48 BOTTLES, you dimwit!

I feel so tender to the touch.

All these Jews at my job are so lucky - of course the ones born after 1943, they get so many days off

The BBC flashed up a breaking news announcement that Prince Philip is going into hospital for planned hip surgery. If it's planned, then why is it breaking news, you drama queens?

listening to madonna

The guy I'm "talking to" takes 6+ hours to get back to me

The specialist I am going is attracted to me because he checks me out when he thinks I am not looking. I am attracted to him as well, but I am hesitant to do anything because of the doctor/patient relationship. I have one more visit. I guess I will leave it alone and hope for the best.

Based on the Friday the 13th thread-I'm gonna start watching them in order tonight.

2 nites ago I dreamed I was in a nude reality show with pornstar josh Weston and Justin beiber. it was great fun, then some huge fight erupted and naked in the street were dozens of boys really fighting like cats.

over all. good. had wet dream.

A new Aldi just opened near my house. I thought of DL as soon as I saw it.

I prefer to eat a hot dog on a piece of bread instead of a bun.

There are 2 deep purple crocuses coming up in my garden bed. I’ve never planted crocuses.

R430 Loosen the lug nuts before you jack the car up. (Speaking from humiliating experience.)

Birthday oysters and porchetta

r469 Squirrels.

OP: I'm pretty sure my toilet seat is haunted. The things that hold the lid to the seat keep popping up on their own.

I bought the Kohler “quiet close”. The lid and seat are both on springs, so, when you lower either, they don’t slam down. They instead slowly close down. So, there’s no jarring noise. It’s especially good for men who have a partner who would otherwise be disturbed by the noise.

I like it so much, I installed one in my sister’s guest room.

AAA will change a tire for you, if you have a membership. Also, watch them do it, for craps sake, for next time.

R473: Your sister's guest room has a toilet in it?? Does she live in Appalachia?

No, dum-dum. The bath is off the guest bedroom.

My sis has since sold that place and moved. She took the toilet seat with her.

R475 where do you live that you never heard of an en suite?

My electric company tells me I use less energy than similar neighbors. That’s satisfying, in a pointless way.

R477 — But no one ever SAID it was en suite. All that was stated was "I installed one in my sister’s guest room"—not en suite, but GUEST ROOM.

Judging from some of the comments I've read on DL, having a toilet in one's guest room might be considered de rigueur in some less…fashionable…neighborhoods - , and I was curious to know if this might be the case here.

That said, perhaps having a toilet in the guest room itself would save extra steps in the middle of the night and be more convenient.

My vacuum cleaner is lying in the mddle of living room beside a storage box containing Christmas cards and a pack of antihistamines. I should probably do something about that, but I’m going to wash the bathroom floor instead..

It’s still way too cold. And I’m not telling you where I am.

Pfil, r481.

The snow has finally disappeared so I washed my car today. Then it started raining.

I'm making nest ledges for Barn Swallows tonight. I hope they nest on my patio.

Cut flowers do all right in my apartment, but hydrangeas expire within 12-24 hours.

R484 - your patio is in a barn?

I have mislaid my keys.

But I have a spare set and am using those.

For the first time in weeks I have absolutely nothing planned for today. It's kind of foggy out (SoCal coast) and I'm going to stay indoors all day in my PJs. There's a New York strip steak in the fridge that I'm going to have for lunch and I just made a bloody mary. Later on I might take a nap. I'll intersperse the action with a marathon of Judge Judy programs I've DVR'd over the past couple of weeks. If all this isn't underwhelming, I don't know what is.

I'm so lazy today I probably won't even jack off

Just in case you do:

Pics please.

I really have to clean the inside of my car but it’s raining. I had to go somewhere and hand it over to a valet and I was mortified. It’s got all that winter dirt on the floor coverings and dust on the dashboard.

Hydrangeas must be cut on a bias. When you get them from a store, cut them again when you get home, then stick the bottoms in powdered alum for about 1/4 to 1/2 inch. Alum is found in the spice section of supermarkets.

If you are cutting your own hydrangeas you have to take a bucket of water outside with you and immediately put the hydrangea stems in water. When you get into the house, recut stems on a bias, stick in alum, then put in water.

r491 gives good whelm.

Just made Marcella's Tomato Sauce #3, the newer version with 5 TB of butter instead of 8.

Does anyone ever play Frisbee still?

Still have not found my keys

I’m trying to learn oracle bone script.

You're whelming my last nerve r495.

I wish it were socially acceptable to go to a trampoline centre as an adult.

No one has ever seen me cum and I was in a relationship for 16 years.

I found my keys.

They were in the kitchen, not my bedroom.

I can now breath a sigh of relief, r495/r500.

Thank you, R501.

I did have a spare set, so it wasn't too overwhelming.

Again, the Underwhelmed threads are non-interactive. This a rhetorical, non-sequiturial thread. This is your last warning.

R486, Barn Swallows don't nest exclusively in barns. Anyway, there are fewer barns in the US than there used to be, with developments and Big Ag.

They're grateful for a roof with fly-through space; so they're happy to make do with patio with a roof and a shelf like structure close to the patio ceiling.

So yeah, "go know".

Increasingly, I've been getting chicken that is not very tender. A Costco rotisserie chicken with tough, rubbery meat. Trader Joe's chicken breast strips that felt like biting through a wad of rubber bands, chicken at a local Texas chain that didn't even feel like food. It's literally inedible.

I'm low carb, and I avoid red meat, but I can't remember ever getting so much bad chicken as in the last four months or so.

One of "my" adult male Purple Martins was hit by a car this morning. I buried him with a handful of flowers, under a patch of Texas Frogfruit, below their Purple Martin apartment.

I don't know if his mate has laid eggs yet, but if he has, they're all but doomed as one bird can't raise a family by itself.

He flew all the way from the Brazilian rainforest and died in the street.

She*, obviously!

My mother used to call me “skinny malink melodeon bones.” It just popped into my head so I googled it and it turns out to be a song, but the line is actually, “skinny malink melodeon legs.”

R506, do you have access to a Wegman’s?

Their rotisserie chickens are the moistest and best tasting I’ve had (of supermarket brands).

They only run about $5 or $6, which surprised me.

The central utility closet in my condo smells like rancid grease.

I don’t know how I can go on.

My Siberian Husky killed a rat in the garden, but fortunately didn't try to eat it or play with it. Good Husky!

The central utility closet

WTF is a "central utility closet"?

I should do laundry.

The closet that has the AC and heat tank in it, r513.

Have I told you about my bed-time bladder situation?

^ I expressed about half a pint TWICE last night.

Around 2am and then again at 5.30am.

You have an enlarged prostate

underwhelm [transitive verb] : to fail to impress or stimulate

I saw a lizard egg today while pulling weeds.

Annette Benning looks like a nun.

I have never liked or craved water.

Lately I have been drinking water with meals, rather than other beverages.

I pulled a few weeds too. Halogeton glomeratus is a virulent pest, but at least they have shallow roots so they come up easily.

My Asian boyfriend made me an Asian meal that was rather bland. I added a bit of soy sauce and sriracha to it, and he was annoyed, and thought I was being too excessive, but he always thinks that. Later, he was annoyed that the sink drainer fell into the sink and was passive aggressively blaming me for it. I'm usually the annoyed one, so it's weird when he does this.

I'm hiding from him and reading DL.

I had a very dramatic and horrible month last month, so May is really all about underwhelming. 10 days in, and I'm doing great. Finished up a bunch of stuff at work, and have been doing lots of walking, enjoying the boredom for once.

Soy sauce is always a good idea.

r524 Later, he was annoyed that the sink drainer fell into the sink and was passive aggressively blaming me for it.

LOCK 'IM UP!

Notice you can’t skip ads in 4 seconds anymore.

When I sit still, I fall asleep.

I realized today that banks do not rent SAFETY deposit boxes, but SAFE deposit boxes.

I played Soda Crush for hours and ate Cheerios for dinner tonight.

I had chowmein for lunch.

I'm skylinephobic.

-R532- Tell us what your breath and your farts smelled like after sucking down all that spicy GOOP!

I'm trying to go low carb after reading yet another desperate, quick weight-loss thread on DL.

I had a banana for breakfast and I had a few Rold Gold Tiny Twists pretzels this afternoon, but I don't think I totally blew it. But I'm not going to post this confession on that thread.

Just got back from Washington DC. Wanted to see the Sally Mann exhibit, which was heavy but good and made me a bit weepy. The Degas portraits were meh. Ate lunch at the Sculpture Garden cafe (roast beef with horseradish sauce and a green salad) and people watched. Lovely day. Washington's a great town to be a tourist.

Just ordered a case of San Pellegrino.

Washington's a great town to be a tourist.

As long as you let people pass on the left on Metro escalators.

Ate lunch at the Sculpture Garden cafe (roast beef with horseradish sauce and a green salad) and people watched. Lovely day.

People watched you eat roast beef?

As I headed into my car today, I realized I didn't have a quarter for the Aldi cart. I hurried back inside and grabbed two quarters from a fairly large change dish and jumped into the car.

I got to Aldi and realized I had actually had not quarters, but an English fifty-pence coin and an Indian rupee. The only non-American coins in a dish filled with about a hundred dollars worth of American coins.

The Indian rupee unlocked the cart!

The door on my less than one year old fridge creaks. It's this trumpety, farty sounding sort of creak. It's very annoying. I oiled the hinge that's causing it with some 3-N-1 household but it didn't work. I AM NOT ABOUT TO RUN OUT TO BUY SILICONE LUBRICANT AND REMOVE THE DAMNED DOOR JUST TO SQUEEZE SOME UP INTO THE GD HINGE.

Someone's banging something.

Someone's banging something.

Pics please.

There are a total of sixteen Purple Martin eggs in the Purple Martin apartment. Two couples have five and one couple has six.

R542, just spray it with some Pam.

I was using self checkout in target and I happened to look up and see my reflection in the security mirror. It took my last bit of energy to not burst out crying at the pale, fat faced monster looking back at me.

Now now, dear. I'm sure you were perfectly lovely.

No one looks good under those florescent lights!!

I'm going to have a wank.

Woke up early. Not so early I'm going to whine about how I woke up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep, but early enough that I don't want to make coffee yet.

Just finished a big bowl of beef and broccoli for 6am meal. Some call it breakfast.

Finally made, and drank, coffee.

Don't push it, R550. Slow and steady wins the race...

I just put an acrylic sweater in the dryer on HIGH with a bunch of other clothes.

If I remember to take it out in 15 mins. while still damp, it will be fine.

The first iris bloomed today. 21 May.

We never had that week at the end of April when the dandelions and violets appear together on some lawns.

I'm boiling pasta, ziti.

I hope it is GOOD ziti

You've got your spider out, don't you, R557?

Target security mirrors at self checkout could be used at Gitmo as torture devices they distort faces so much.

I’m still struggling with Classical Chinese, but I shall not be defeated.

I realized the other day a pack of matches has 20 in it.

There are 20 cigarettes to a pack.

They are designed as a matching set.

I’m still sore after a “procedure” on Monday.

I can’t stop sneezing

Had lovely ziti! I extracted it from the boil with tongs!

My dresser drawer began sticking, a virtual trial by fire.

Just now I gathered a hammer, some little nails...and emptied and removed it.

A few nails along the back and the drawer is closing smoothly again.

Just changed my oil and put in windshield wiper fluid. I threw away some receipts that were on the floor of the backseat. It's muggy.

Yesterday at my job, I was stalked in the parking lot by a deranged nurse. Chick was fucked up.