Join the Bitchfest >>

I Want To Be Underwhelmed, pt. 307,904

Please, share the excruciating minutiae of your lives.

I'll start: I'm pretty sure my toilet seat is haunted. The things that hold the lid to the seat keep popping up on their own.

replies 600Sep 16, 2017 7:38 PM +00:00

I took a nap and dreamed my mother had 42 cats. I yelled at her about it and vomited up my heart and one of her cats ate it. Earlier today I mowed my yard before it started raining.

replies 1Sep 16, 2017 7:44 PM +00:00

Today I had to buy my boss his lunch, stupid guy invited me to lunch and his credit card got denied...

so underwhelmed...

--My boss eats like a truck driver. He ordered so much!
replies 2Sep 16, 2017 7:48 PM +00:00

I'm eating yogurt with a fork because I'm too lazy to do the dishes so I'd have a clean spoon.

replies 3Sep 18, 2017 2:08 PM +00:00

I worry I'm so in credit-card debt I'll lose my house.

replies 4Sep 18, 2017 2:35 PM +00:00

I am doing laundry.

replies 5Sep 18, 2017 2:51 PM +00:00

I have a stomach ache

replies 6Sep 18, 2017 3:03 PM +00:00

Watching football and nursing a burgeoning sinus infection

--Yay Me
replies 7Sep 18, 2017 3:38 PM +00:00

I rearranged the furniture and art in my "loft" garage and now everything looks great, but I don't have a place to eat meals. My dining set is now a hall table and I had to put my bowflex in the kitchen area so I'd use it.

My bathroom setup was awesome - if you were willing to poop sitting sideways.

replies 8Sep 18, 2017 3:50 PM +00:00

r8, is your toilet a fire hydrant?

replies 9Sep 18, 2017 3:54 PM +00:00

Unfortunately, no, R9.

replies 10Sep 18, 2017 3:58 PM +00:00

I clipped my toenails last night.

replies 11Sep 18, 2017 8:02 PM +00:00

I miss my DL Strapping Guy beau hunk. Where he at?

Too much fastfood has my bony ass ballooning like an orange fuhrer fucktard.

--Anonymous in Kansas City
replies 12Sep 18, 2017 8:57 PM +00:00

I just felt something crawling on my shoulder and brushed it off freaked out before I realized it was a Lady Bug. Did I ruin the good luck?

replies 13Sep 22, 2017 8:11 AM +00:00

I met at least 3 different "total top" on a gay dating site" I exchanged pics with these 3 guys . and all 3 of them were very eager to hook up with me tonight.But as soon as I told them that I am a versatile bottom , they disappeared within a sec without a trace . Why the hell a total top" would pissed off by a versatile bottom ?

Now I have changed my profile and have explicitly mentioned "versatile bottom" in sexual position so that some fake total tops will not waste my time .

replies 14Sep 22, 2017 8:23 AM +00:00

I'm eating a 7/8 ounce size bag of Cheetos for lunch.

replies 15Sep 22, 2017 8:35 AM +00:00
pt. 307,904

I find that whelming OP.

--Kindly watch that.
replies 16Sep 22, 2017 8:38 AM +00:00

There's a little plastic sprocket on my office printer that keeps breaking because this is a government operation and we always order cheap shit. So I'm debating cutting out our tedious Supply Department process and making a quick spec drawing and have the machine shop make me a bunch of new ones out of aluminum or better plastic, or buying one myself from Office Depot.

If the frau in Logistics makes me write a work order for the sprockets and I end up having to buy a printer out of my own pocket, so help me I'm taking it with me when I retire next year.

replies 17Sep 22, 2017 8:53 AM +00:00

Couldn't you just shoot up the place r17?

replies 18Sep 22, 2017 9:09 AM +00:00

I just took a 3ft dump and the log was very gray. Am I dying?

replies 19Sep 22, 2017 10:13 PM +00:00

I continued to ignore the Jeremy Renner threads; I was mildly interested, but could not have kept up with how quickly they progressed. Today I decided to read one. Holy shit, could not understand what was happening. Talk of older threads being shut down because of his personal info being shared, talk o father him being gay, talk of him being involved with a (female?) fan/stalker, etc. The posters were using words and language that seemed to belong to them and them alone.

If there's anyone out there in the know who can explain what's going on with Renner, please do. (Or perhaps my interpretation of it above is somewhat accurate...)

replies 20Sep 23, 2017 1:05 AM +00:00

I've just been woken up by my neighbour mowing the lawn. I'll get out of bed in a minute, and have leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm a bit ashamed about that. Later, I'm going to go to the farmer's market to buy some leeks.

replies 21Sep 23, 2017 1:14 AM +00:00

This is a military base, R17. Guns are forbidden. Well, except at the base Post Office.

replies 22Sep 23, 2017 3:44 AM +00:00

I am grading the third set of four sets of papers. Meanwhile, I just picked up three sets of new papers yesterday.

There is a math question somewhere in there.

replies 23Sep 23, 2017 3:51 AM +00:00

I bought a couple of resin Adirondack chairs on sale at a hardware store. They're the most comfortable chairs I've ever owned.

replies 24Sep 23, 2017 4:02 AM +00:00

r20, re-read the directions.

replies 25Sep 23, 2017 5:19 PM +00:00

Both my wisdom teeth on my lower jaw are starting to emerge from below the gumline. I'm 38 years old. My jaw hurts, the inside of my cheeks are sore like I just blew up a balloon and my ears feel funny. It feels like my lower jaw is being subtly stretched and it has a dull ache. I looked in the mirror and opened my mouth and looked with a flashlight and holy shit i'm slowly getting two new back molars.

The wisdom tooth on my left upper side grew in perfectly straight when I was 33 years old. Now i'm getting two more teeth at 38 years old. I feel like a cranky teething baby.

replies 26Sep 23, 2017 5:37 PM +00:00

R21 I bought leeks at the farmers market today.

replies 27Sep 23, 2017 5:50 PM +00:00

I hate this psycho cunt at my work - she's an absolute unstable butch. Nasty too. The shit I've had to put up with from her .... I haven't retaliated but want to so badly

replies 28Sep 23, 2017 6:08 PM +00:00

When my boyfriend and I were shaving each other in the shower this morning, I told him I hated his chicken salad and wanted something else for lunch instead. He got made at me. I ate an orange instead.

replies 29Sep 23, 2017 6:10 PM +00:00

The highlight of my day was learning that my cheap blender had no problem with an apple for a smoothie I was making.

replies 30Sep 23, 2017 6:13 PM +00:00

My cat is pregnant again.

The fat, greedy whore!

replies 31Sep 23, 2017 6:15 PM +00:00

R26 Take them out, toots. If they're already impacted they can be easy to yank. Plus you'll have rainy day pain pills that will last for a year or more!

replies 32Sep 23, 2017 6:16 PM +00:00

I had a dream that I impregnated Kathy Bates. I was horrified about going broke to pay child support.

Yes, I'm a gay male.

--Yes, I really dreamt it!
replies 33Sep 23, 2017 6:18 PM +00:00

Panera tomato soup is pretty good, if you add a lot of salt.

I found this out today.

replies 34Sep 23, 2017 6:25 PM +00:00

I have a bad mailman who only reads the house number but not the name of the streets so he regularly delivers mail to the wrong house. Today the woman at the wrong house revealed herself as she personally showed up with my mis delivered mailed. She thought it would be important as it appeared to be a paycheck. I didn't have the heart to tell her about this thing called direct deposit.

replies 35Sep 23, 2017 6:33 PM +00:00

I'm getting ready for bed; mass is tomorrow at 8:00am. I'll watch some gay porn to relax.

--.....and I almost became a priest.
replies 36Sep 23, 2017 6:33 PM +00:00

You'd fit right in, R36.

replies 37Sep 24, 2017 2:42 AM +00:00

I farted in an elevator today.

replies 38Sep 24, 2017 6:30 PM +00:00

I had to buy a new phone today. I spent the afternoon fiddling with the settings.

replies 39Sep 24, 2017 6:44 PM +00:00

I didn't fold the laundry today.

replies 40Sep 24, 2017 9:46 PM +00:00

I got up at noon and made coffee. Then I took a nap. The cat napped next to me. That was the whole day until dinner.

replies 41Sep 24, 2017 9:54 PM +00:00

I stood on my phone yesterday, and it's probably beyond repair. I'm really pissed off about it. I need to get a new one today.

replies 42Sep 25, 2017 12:20 AM +00:00

The sun is down. Earlier it was up.

replies 43Sep 25, 2017 7:42 PM +00:00


replies 44Sep 25, 2017 7:43 PM +00:00

One of my dogs is chewing her foot vigorously with her ass pressed against my arm.

replies 45Sep 25, 2017 8:19 PM +00:00

I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

replies 46Sep 25, 2017 10:16 PM +00:00

A fly came in through the window.

replies 47Sep 25, 2017 10:18 PM +00:00

My new, very expensive (for me) engineered underwear systems are line drying. It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

It's phase I of new stuff: "I'll treat it with care and follow the wash instructions". By next year, I'll be throwing them in the dryer with socks and washcloths.

replies 48Sep 26, 2017 4:32 AM +00:00
It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

Dear god, how wet are you?

replies 49Sep 26, 2017 4:54 AM +00:00

It's the season of the witch..Halloween. Can't wait for the horror flicks to start playing non-stop.

Also waiting for my first glass of eggnog. Is it too soon?

Mmm. Tangerines. Let Octoberfest begin.

--Anonymous in Kansas City
replies 50Sep 26, 2017 5:07 AM +00:00

wtf is an engineered underwear system?

replies 51Sep 26, 2017 5:24 AM +00:00

I'm on the subway late for work, feeling dead inside thinking about the dysfunctional shitshow that awaits. Perhaps this should be posted elsewhere if it is too "whelming"...

replies 52Sep 26, 2017 5:53 AM +00:00

I feel your pain r52

Just think it will only be a few hours and you'll join us on Datalounge

replies 53Sep 26, 2017 5:58 AM +00:00

I'm taking my GMC pickup to be smogged today so I can renew the registration.

And who says I don't have a life?

replies 54Sep 26, 2017 9:52 AM +00:00

I have to pee.

replies 55Sep 26, 2017 10:01 AM +00:00

I successfully walked to work today using an immobilizer brace and a crutch, result of ACL reconstruction surgery.

replies 56Sep 26, 2017 10:07 AM +00:00

Yesterday was horrific, so this morning I treated myself to a bowel of Edy's Texas Pecan Pie ice cream

--Life is great!
replies 57Sep 26, 2017 10:11 AM +00:00

A whole bowel, R57? Wasn't it cold going in?

replies 58Sep 26, 2017 10:15 AM +00:00

I'm sitting here reading DL and drinking a Powerade when I should be outside doing yard-work.

--It's just too damn hot
replies 59Sep 26, 2017 10:19 AM +00:00

R57 Woops, bowl!

replies 60Sep 26, 2017 10:39 AM +00:00

Marry me, R58!

replies 61Sep 26, 2017 10:52 AM +00:00

I still miss Mary Tyler Moore and cannot believe she's dead.

replies 62Sep 26, 2017 11:11 AM +00:00
I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

talk about a shitstorm

replies 63Sep 26, 2017 11:12 AM +00:00

It could have been. The BF was medically in need of the procedure and roommate was going about it all wrong. He had hung the bag as high as it would go and the BF was in agony with cramping. I unknowingly walked in on this little drama. Having had training as a Navy Hospital Corpsman, I told roommate to get out of the way and I did the procedure myself. Twice. Really great way to meet your roomie's new BF.

replies 64Sep 26, 2017 3:53 PM +00:00
wtf is an engineered underwear system?

It's underwear, but they throw so much babble into the description that it becomes an engineered underwear system.

They're trunks with anti-microbiology or something technology and mesh,cotton and lycra and they probably lift your ass while creating a nice free-swing basket for your junk. Plus, they accommodate your thighs while avoiding that whole jock strap waistband that is so annoying. Plus, they don't have a maker name plastered all over them.

You have to hand-wash/drip dry or they lose their magic properties.

replies 65Sep 26, 2017 4:58 PM +00:00

They accommodate your thighs? But not like a jockstrap?

What does that mean?

replies 66Sep 26, 2017 5:15 PM +00:00

2 more weeks until I pay off my mortgage.

replies 67Sep 26, 2017 5:24 PM +00:00

The other day, I rearranged some furniture. Today I moved everything back.

(I don't understand the Jeremy Renner threads, either, R20. I gave it a go one day and tried googling to understand who, what, and why anyone gives a shit. Nothing. I block them and the Tommy and Gio threads and others that are multi-part inside-joke threads by obsessed stans and haters that begin with something like "part 8--continue bitching" or "part 10--you know what to do.")

replies 68Sep 26, 2017 6:25 PM +00:00

My cat meowed.

replies 69Sep 26, 2017 9:40 PM +00:00

Off today! Suffering from "While I'm at it, might as well…"

I've sanded down my very dead dad's expandable scaffolding plank and I'm going to use it as a wall shelf. I have to drill into a cinder block wall to bolt in the ledge it will rest on. While I'm at it, I should drill in two (three? Four?) holes for picture frame hooks. I have some old Indian portraits that could go up there, but they are too small and too matchy. Plus, I'm trying to stick with oil paintings this season.

R66, I'm not going to advertise underwear brands, but newer trunks feature stretchier leg openings of flatter material instead of the thicker tape.

replies 70Sep 27, 2017 4:08 AM +00:00

I dreamt that they people that bought my old place had moved it right into the main street.

And they had turned into Trent and Jane Lane.

I'm waiting for a phone number port from my old telco-it's taking forever. And all the support is off-shored.
replies 71Sep 27, 2017 4:25 AM +00:00

I'm back. I have a new survival policy: I only post anon or with joke names; I don't block people (just scroll by, and don't engage the loons) but I do block annoying threads. So far, so good.

I ate fries for lunch.

replies 72Sep 27, 2017 4:36 AM +00:00

R68, I followed the Renner threads, and I still mostly don't know what they're talking about (a fangirl won a contest of some sort?). I also might or might not have seen a certain video that might or might not have existed on another unnamed site for a very short time before it, and its entire thread, was deleted.

replies 73Sep 27, 2017 5:14 AM +00:00

I saw that too, R73. The contest is an app thing. They're pissed because they had to tell a sob story to win but the winner was the one who spent the most money buying app credits, who also happens to be the main bully on the app blah blah. It'll suck you in, and before you know it your whole life is about coming on DL to find the threads they haven't deleted. I haven't been out of the house in three days.

--Yes, I'm joking
replies 74Sep 27, 2017 7:14 AM +00:00

The top of my right foot, about 4 inches below my big toe, feels like it is being burned with acid or something. It's horrible. I wonder if it has anything to do with Cipro I was given for a UTI.

replies 75Sep 28, 2017 8:35 AM +00:00

I used to like the threads on DL that would pop up every so often where you could get a synopsis of some long-running threads. In addition to not being able to keep up with the Renner threads, I haven't kept up with the Aaron Rodgers stuff, or the dead/missing wife of the hot pastor.

replies 76Sep 28, 2017 11:57 AM +00:00

Damn, I ff'd myself again. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes when I decide to block a thread I accidentally ff the poster. But I don't know how I ff myself.

replies 77Sep 28, 2017 12:14 PM +00:00

I just found out my SNAP benefits have been reduced to $102 from $139. I'm on SSI and receive $735 a month. Apparently the government thinks I'm rich, though I suspect it's really just a plot to kill off the poor.

replies 78Sep 28, 2017 4:10 PM +00:00

Excuse me, we need tax cuts, R78. Stop being selfish

replies 79Sep 28, 2017 4:35 PM +00:00

Bravo Zulu, R64.

I hope I never have to do that.

replies 80Oct 2, 2017 3:17 PM +00:00

Thank you, R80. When I saw what was going on, I couldn't let the poor guy suffer. It was no big deal to me, but when you're on the business end of something like and you're not feeling well in the first place, it helps if you have someone help you who knows what he's doing. The weird thing is, he still can't seem to look me in the eye. To me, the procedure was as rote as changing a tire or something.

replies 81Oct 2, 2017 7:49 PM +00:00

Any discussion of suffering does not belong in an underwhelming thread.

replies 82Oct 3, 2017 7:50 AM +00:00

Why does Richard Harris sing about " a stripe-ed pair of pants" in "MacArthur Park"? As if the song wasn't already weird enough. I've never heard "striped" pronounced that way anywhere else. And why does he add an "S" ("MacArthur's Park") when that's not the title?

replies 83Oct 18, 2017 9:23 AM +00:00

That's what you got from MacArthur Park? Not the fact that Harris calls it "MacArthur's Park" through the whole song? Or the rivers flowing through the sky? Or his magnificently ridiculous sideburns?

replies 84Oct 18, 2017 9:46 AM +00:00

Here's Jimmy Webb et al performing MacArthur Park on Letterman

Best version on YouTube, and I watched 'em ALL...Will Lee sings his ASS off!! He has the balls (or lack thereof?) to actually attempt that high note, and he ...
replies 85Oct 18, 2017 9:47 AM +00:00

I’m starting to tuck those little cotton pads against my anus before I put on my underwear. Is this how a prolapsed anus starts or is a little bit of moisture down there normal?

replies 86Oct 18, 2017 10:16 AM +00:00

No idea, R86.

--Top only
replies 87Oct 18, 2017 10:18 AM +00:00

My orchid is blooming. I think I will get maybe 13 blooms this year.

replies 88Oct 18, 2017 10:35 AM +00:00
My orchid is blooming.

There's a Blanche Devereux euphamism if I've ever heard one.

replies 89Oct 18, 2017 10:37 AM +00:00

Back in the day there was no way of finding out the lyrics of a song on 45rpm, so there were lots of misheard words

In MacArthur Park, I thought some lines were "Spring was never waiting for us girls, it ran one step ahead as we frolicked in the grass" and "old men slaying chickens by the trees."

replies 90Oct 18, 2017 10:37 AM +00:00

Today Jeff Sessions acted as if he is the victim of dementia...hard times, working for a "fucking moron."

replies 91Oct 18, 2017 10:38 AM +00:00

I bought new laces for all my shoes. When I get home tonight, I'm going to change them all out and polish the shoes.

replies 92Oct 18, 2017 10:41 AM +00:00

The best thing that happened all day is that when I woke up I remembered this wasn't a shave day ( I shave 3 times a week or as needed and hate shaving).

replies 93Oct 18, 2017 10:53 AM +00:00

While I was in line to get the new license plate sticker for my pickup, the guy standing in front of me had the nicest, roundest ass I think I've ever seen. I wanted to just reach out and grab it, but of course I didn't, because they don't like you doing that kind of shit at the DMV.

replies 94Oct 18, 2017 12:46 PM +00:00

Did someone say Jeremy Renner?!
replies 95Oct 18, 2017 12:49 PM +00:00

I went back on keto and I've been in bed all day with a terrible migraine-level headache.

replies 96Oct 18, 2017 1:20 PM +00:00

I put a cat collar with a bell on my kitty.

replies 97Oct 19, 2017 12:15 AM +00:00

Not exactly underwhelming, but I didn't know where else to put it: Great Britain's entry for Father of the Year 2017

“Yep. That's an Everton fan with his child trying to hit a Lyon player.”
replies 98Oct 19, 2017 2:22 PM +00:00

Put up orange Halloween lights on my porch (big Halloween neighborhood here). When it got dark I went out and turned them on. Noticed something lit up orange on a low branch of my pear tree, which is about 7 ft from my house. Thought it was some kind of optical illusion,so I walked to tree and there was a tiny owl looking down at me. It let me try to take photos, but it was too dark for me to properly focus on the correct branch.

I wonder how many times that little owl has been there and I hadn't noticed?

I feed birds on the ground (especially rogue guinea fowl and a. neighbor's bossy free range chicken). Probably mice come out at night to eat the leftovers and that's what the little feller was waiting for. Probably an eastern screech owl.

replies 99Oct 19, 2017 4:00 PM +00:00

R99 — I LOVE little owls! You're very lucky to have seen one.

replies 100Oct 19, 2017 7:30 PM +00:00

The hot DILF in the neighborhood who did all of his yard work shirtless just moved out. A doughy middle-aged couple appears to be moving in. Damn.

replies 101Oct 20, 2017 12:40 AM +00:00

I saw a bit of the 90s Casper film (which, in retrospect, was pretty dark for a kids' film) on TV today and I found myself craving Ribena, which I haven't drunk since I was a kid. Then I remembered that, when the film was released, Ribena ran a competition to win Casper merchandise, so he was pictured on the cartons. It just goes to show the power of advertising that I still made the associated all these years later.

replies 102Oct 26, 2017 11:04 AM +00:00

There’s a gnat or fruit fly or something in my office, I feel it ever so lightly light into my hair, or the back or my hand, or my ear, but the little fucker flies away before I can get it. I look like I’m shooing the thin air like a schizophrenic.

replies 103Oct 26, 2017 11:46 AM +00:00

I love me some Casper. But I never saw the movie. I just watched the cartoon as a kid so hearing the theme makes me feel like I'm 10 again.

Be sure to follow us on Twitter - Donate: Info about The New Casper Cartoon Show (1...
replies 104Oct 27, 2017 1:32 AM +00:00

This tweet confirms what I had suspected for a long time: the creator of Mrs Betty Bowers is a DataLounger.

Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO: "Now, Officer, if you look in the basement, I'm going to be REALLY cross!"
“Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO: "Now, Officer, if you look in the basement, I'm going to be REALLY cross!"”
replies 105Nov 4, 2017 9:36 AM +00:00

I went surfing today. I'm not usually one to go surfing when it isn't toasty warm, even though I have a great cold weather wet suit, but the waves were pretty good and the air temp was pretty warm.

--I still wore the Patagonia, though
replies 106Nov 4, 2017 12:29 PM +00:00

It's the other way around, R105. Betty started the "Mrs Patsy Ramsey of Boulder Colorado" jokes and Datalounge picked them up from her.

replies 107Nov 4, 2017 1:03 PM +00:00

I have heartburn, but I can’t stop eating this chili.

replies 108Nov 4, 2017 1:14 PM +00:00

Pop a Pepcid

replies 109Nov 4, 2017 1:32 PM +00:00

I have heartburn today, too. I took a Prilosec and a Pepcid and it seems better.

--Big Mel
replies 110Nov 4, 2017 2:13 PM +00:00

Today I bought a pound of See's assorted dark chocolates and hid them in the tool drawer in the garage so my partner won't find them. If he did, he'd eat them all. I'll sneak one or two a day when he's not looking. Actually, See's Candy tastes way better when you have to sneak it.

replies 111Nov 4, 2017 2:45 PM +00:00

I've just finished watching the last 15 minutes of "SITC2."

replies 112Nov 4, 2017 4:01 PM +00:00

I'm going to New Zealand soon but can't seem to get motivated to pack today. I mean, I just read this whole thread.

replies 113Nov 4, 2017 4:58 PM +00:00

Also, R71, when the infamous 'I just had sex with Jani Lane' thread started here, I didn't know who he was and thought someone was being stupid about Jane Lane ... so I didn't read it till after Jani Lane had died.

replies 114Nov 4, 2017 5:01 PM +00:00

I just spent 350 dollars on the Clarisonic Smart Profile Uplift System

It better do its job and uplift my profile

-- Tho maybe I'll just treat myself to a mini lift at Christmas
replies 115Nov 4, 2017 5:19 PM +00:00

I defrosted some leftover chili from Halloween tonight. It was good. I put Texas Pete, shredded cheddar, and sour cream on it. I also added some Fritos scoops. We only buy those at Holidays.

replies 116Nov 4, 2017 5:31 PM +00:00

I couldn’t see Thor 3 last night because I was 17 minutes late.. The theater’s cutoff is 10 minutes. God forbid you should miss the previews.

replies 117Nov 4, 2017 6:10 PM +00:00

Enrenmann's singly wrapped crumb cakes taste so much better than the big crumb cake

replies 118Nov 5, 2017 5:37 AM +00:00

Ah, R107, that possibility never occurred to me.

replies 119Nov 5, 2017 6:26 AM +00:00

I'm going to pour myself a nice hot mug of coffee and go cradle the fuck out of it.

--I might even do the Pajama Pary Pose while cradeling.
replies 120Nov 5, 2017 7:33 AM +00:00

For a minute there, I forgot The Alamo.

replies 121Nov 5, 2017 7:35 AM +00:00

By boyfriend cut a board wrong so now I have to buy another piece of wood.

replies 122Nov 5, 2017 7:37 AM +00:00

They're shooting deer in the field across the street. I've had a really pretty deer in my yard recently eating berries. I hope she gets away. I don't like deer eating my flowers but I don't want them to get the death penalty for it.

replies 123Nov 5, 2017 8:29 AM +00:00

I have a bunch of towels that need to be folded. I really don't want to do it.

replies 124Nov 5, 2017 8:35 AM +00:00

Humidifiers blast cold, watery air. I wish they weren't necessary.

I am astonished, however, at how I instantly feel better as soon as I turn them on.

I have to go to Walmart and stare at filters hoping I pick the right size.

replies 125Nov 5, 2017 11:50 AM +00:00

R118 And Slater's pins have no points—don't you always find that?” said Miss Craye, turning.

--Virginia Woolf
replies 126Nov 5, 2017 12:30 PM +00:00

We were going to do yard work this weekend but had a really early snow so we just lazed around reading all weekend. Tonight I made pork chops and polenta with the chanterelle mushrooms our neighbor brought us and the cat presented us with his latest kill: a huge fat mouse who I think is the one I see in the kitchen sometimes at night. He's been getting into the cat food so I think this one was personal for "Mr Whiskers."

replies 127Nov 5, 2017 7:51 PM +00:00

I ate too much.

replies 128Nov 5, 2017 7:59 PM +00:00

When I make 7-layer dip I use canned chili instead of beans. It's much better.

replies 129Nov 6, 2017 3:32 PM +00:00

I eat too much too. It's obviously sublimation for the fact that I haven't a man in my bed for over a year!!

--The Ignominy of it all!
replies 130Nov 6, 2017 3:36 PM +00:00

This priest is totally gay!

6,379 Likes, 33 Comments - Fatos e Boatos (@faatos_e_boatos) on Instagram: “????”
replies 131Nov 6, 2017 6:33 PM +00:00

I just googled a couple of long-ago exes and found out they are both still alive. With both of these guys, it's not a given, for different reasons.

replies 132Nov 8, 2017 3:58 PM +00:00

The Hulu app on my tv always malfunctions right after finishing an episode. It gives me an "error connecting" message when I know darn well the tv has no connectivity issues, it's just the app being glitchy. So annoying,

--First world problems
replies 133Nov 8, 2017 4:13 PM +00:00

I just had some pumpkin cheesecake

Ehh I wasn't impressed

replies 134Nov 8, 2017 4:37 PM +00:00

The brownies from Dominos are pretty good.

replies 135Nov 8, 2017 6:12 PM +00:00

My quietest cat woke me at 4:30 AM meowing like crazy. I went looking for her. When I couldn't find her, I decided to go back to bed. There she was at the top of the stairs with a mouse in her mouth. I was so startled I gasped and said "Oh my god!" which woke my husband, who thought we were being robbed or something. He jumped out of bed, the cat ran and we had to go under all the beds looking for her. (I sleep in a separate bedroom because I snore). She ran out from under a bed, leaving her mouse behind. Great fun getting the dead mouse from under the bed, but at least it was dead. A live mouse would have been so much worse.

replies 136Nov 9, 2017 5:47 AM +00:00

My belly looks full but I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

replies 137Nov 9, 2017 7:28 AM +00:00
I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

This particular juxtaposition disturbs my underwhelm-ment.

--Kindly don't do that again.
replies 138Nov 9, 2017 7:33 AM +00:00

My husband's cat does this hilarious trick where the laser pointer spot whips him into such a frenzy he literally runs on the wall, Matrix-style to catch it. So I decided to make a YouTube video of him and...zippideedoodah. Nothing. He just looked at the red dot with this polite, "oh, that's nice" expression and is now gazing out the window at the squirrels on the bird feeder. Fucking cats. They're all sons of bitches.

--Dry food for you, Buddy. No cooperate, no chicken.
replies 139Nov 9, 2017 9:30 AM +00:00

Cats will never do the entertaining behavior you want them to do, when a camera is on them. They'll do it endlessly on their own, but once you want them to do it, they just stare at you.

replies 140Nov 9, 2017 9:52 AM +00:00
they just stare at you.

It's the evil grin that gets to me.

--Every fucking time.
replies 141Nov 9, 2017 9:55 AM +00:00

R101 I condole you.

The hot, balding, bearded straight married guy across the street - the one who has on a few occasions, early in the morning, beat off in his living room watching porn - has sadly moved out.

He looked a bit doughy on the street, but damn, he had an enormous cock. I'll miss seeing that Leaning Tower of Pisa blast off.

replies 142Nov 9, 2017 10:00 AM +00:00

One of my cats meows when I tell him to, but I have to give him an exaggerated wink and move my head a little, otherwise he won't do it. He is the only cat I've ever owned who does a "trick." (Not that kind)

replies 143Nov 9, 2017 11:02 AM +00:00

Last night I dreamed that my former teacher was famous. My former teacher was Jon Stewart. It was cold and rainy outside, so i popped into a deli in East Hampton. Stewart was there and asked me if I would attend a talent show where his nephew would sing. Of course! I said. He told me the talent show was to raise money for his nephew's school, and he wanted me to get all of my friends to attend, because he wanted a full audience. Sure, I said. I started calling people and asking them to buy a ticket. Everyone said no. I asked if they would attend if I bought a ticket for them and about half said, "OK." Shit, now I had to pay thousands of dollars for tickets and I didn't know how many people would actually show up. I was going to look bad in front of my former-teacher-and-now famous-person because it was going to look like I didn't have many friends. And it was going to cost me a fortune.

replies 144Nov 11, 2017 7:00 AM +00:00

I got sick. It's fish for dinner.

This is not Airplane! I got sick before the fish.

--You still don't know who I am
replies 145Nov 11, 2017 8:43 AM +00:00

I bought my cat an expensive scratching lounger thingy off Amazon because she deserves it. I'll be damned if she has cut off all contact with me in order to spend all her time on that thing. Damn you, Amazon! Damn you all to hell!

--Crazy Cat Eldergay
replies 146Nov 11, 2017 8:44 AM +00:00

I had to get up TWICE last night to urinate.

I think I'll get one of those big Cranberry Juice glass bottles and place it under my bed.

--One a night is too much.
replies 147Nov 11, 2017 8:49 AM +00:00

In two months' time, it'll be the 10th anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. OMG. I feel so old.

replies 148Nov 11, 2017 11:09 AM +00:00

Did Heath have genuine talent? More than the schmucks who fester our screens today?

replies 149Nov 11, 2017 11:13 AM +00:00

Oh no, IMDB has gone down!

replies 150Nov 11, 2017 11:32 AM +00:00

^ It's OK. It's up again.

replies 151Nov 11, 2017 11:45 AM +00:00

He improved with age, IMO, R149. Brokeback Mountain and The Dark Knight stand out as his best performances.

replies 152Nov 11, 2017 12:17 PM +00:00

I farted so loudly my cat jumped

replies 153Nov 11, 2017 5:53 PM +00:00

My gastro doctor examined my hole and said one of my hemorrhoids is thrombosed. He said it’s too inflamed to treat with the laser in his office and since it’s outside he can’t band it. So I have to do warm soaks and stool softener and return in two weeks for him to reevaluate.

--Fun times I
replies 154Nov 11, 2017 6:14 PM +00:00

I bought weird beer that ended up the bargain bin. It was cheap, made with watermelon and sea salt. It is not bad, more like a prosecco than a beer.

replies 155Nov 11, 2017 6:35 PM +00:00

I just ate two big bowls of Thai hot and spicy noodle soup. I told myself I would stop at one but I knew that wouldn't happen. Now I'm sleepy.

replies 156Nov 11, 2017 6:54 PM +00:00

I want to to make my own old-fashioned icicles with a sheet of foil and a paper shredder. I just got this idea today and I don’t own a paper shredder so I don’t even know if it’s possible.

replies 157Nov 11, 2017 8:24 PM +00:00

R156 — You'll wake up quickly when that hot & spicy soup kicks in! I don't know how hot and spicy it is, but that Thai stuff has the capacity to blow you out a whole new asshole.

R153 — It's funny you should mention about your cat waking itself up by farting. I actually did that myself a few days ago. It has never happened before. It was like a gunshot.

replies 158Nov 12, 2017 10:38 AM +00:00

R157 Scissors?

There was a young cute new dentist when I got a checkup last week. He was 6 feet 4 inches tall but it was hard to make out his body type under this scrubs and gown. Looked just slightly muscular. Full head of hair and nice voice. He made me think of Alexander the Great. His patient was an old whiny lady. Boo. :(

replies 159Nov 12, 2017 11:21 AM +00:00

I don't know why this made me laugh so much. It hit just the right spot.

“Sometimes the BBC news app shows the wrong pictures for the story when it has no data/WiFi. Today it surpassed itself.”
replies 160Nov 12, 2017 11:58 AM +00:00

I just made arroz con pollo. I think it might be a bit too salty but it's pretty good. My mother gave me a bunch of coloured peppers from her garden so it looks very pretty.

replies 161Nov 12, 2017 1:30 PM +00:00

Fresh garlic on pizza is pretty good.

replies 162Nov 12, 2017 1:33 PM +00:00

They were out of the Spring Meadow scented Tide Pods, so I had to the the Sport scent.

I hope I don't regret it.

replies 163Nov 12, 2017 2:39 PM +00:00

My feet are finally warm

replies 164Nov 12, 2017 3:23 PM +00:00

I used to go to a particular store because the woman at the deli was friendly and knew how to process my order.

But they replaced her with a really ugly man and he is dumber than a box of rocks. How you can hear the word "mozzarella" and think "muenster" is beyond me.

replies 165Nov 12, 2017 5:58 PM +00:00

This is fosr you, R160:

Ayy I remastered a video I made last year. You'll find the original is no longer on YouTube (at least on my channel) because of ChannelFlip abusing the copyr...
replies 166Nov 12, 2017 6:35 PM +00:00

Is this gonna give The Hitachi Magic Wand a run for its money?

2,758 Likes, 82 Comments - Cheddar (@cheddar) on Instagram: “Athletes use these supercharged massage guns to break up scar tissue and loosen tendons.”
replies 167Nov 12, 2017 7:08 PM +00:00

Italy have failed to qualify for the World Cup! First time in 60 years.

replies 168Nov 13, 2017 1:13 PM +00:00

I have a growth above my ear. It started out small but now sticks out maybe 1/4 inch.

I haven't looked at it because that's scary.

replies 169Nov 13, 2017 2:19 PM +00:00

Don't look at it r169.

It'll go away.

--Or you will. Problem solved either way.
replies 170Nov 14, 2017 3:14 AM +00:00

My friend and I had a good chuckle about a prank we pulled in our AOL days.

We were in an AOL chat room with a guy who was boasting about his appearance and endowment. We told him we would send him a photo of two hot pussies if he sent us a picture of his cock.

The photo he sent was impressive, who knows if it was his own.

We sent him a photo of my friend's two cats sitting on a radiator.......

--I know, underwhelming......
replies 171Nov 14, 2017 10:17 AM +00:00

I’m want to make chili tonight, but the pot is still dirty from the last time I made it.

replies 172Nov 14, 2017 10:43 AM +00:00

The restroom spray stocked at work is called "FOREVER PINK," by Victoria's Secret. Both names makes me think of a vaginal infection.
replies 173Nov 14, 2017 11:15 AM +00:00

I won my NFL pool this week. I think first prize is almost $200.

replies 174Nov 14, 2017 5:26 PM +00:00

Just farted. No smell. Which is odd, since I hate an entire jar of hot salsa tonight, drinking it out of the jar.

replies 175Nov 14, 2017 5:31 PM +00:00

R111 here again. My scheme worked. The pound of See's candy I hid in the garage is now all gone. I ate all of it myself. It lasted 11 days. Had my partner discovered it, it might have lasted two days. (Might). I took the empty box to work to throw away, so there would be no evidence. I'm going to buy some more over the weekend and do the same thing. I don't mind sharing, but with some people if you give them one piece they'll wind up eating the whole box.

Anticipating the reaction I know is bound to be forthcoming after this confession, here's the disclaimer: neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

replies 176Nov 15, 2017 11:32 AM +00:00
neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.
Bunny (Fantasia's aunt) from the premiere of VH1 "Fantasia For Real".
replies 177Nov 15, 2017 11:39 AM +00:00

I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

replies 178Nov 15, 2017 8:24 PM +00:00

R176 - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?

--Ya greedy pig.
replies 179Nov 16, 2017 3:37 AM +00:00

Psssst....wanna see my big black cock, R171?
replies 180Nov 16, 2017 3:48 AM +00:00

I was at the store this morning and a woman had a complete meltdown. I used to work retail and thought I'd seen it all, but this bit had an overture, first act, intermission, second act AND an 11 o'clock number.


Because the store put vanilla cake on the shelf and she took it home and made it and only after making it did she realize it was chocolate, because they put the box on the wrong part of the shelf, and now she's going to SUE them for gross negligence because her mother in law doesn't eat any fucking chocolate CAAAAAAKE!

(And as an aside: I am so frustrated.....I have carried my cell with me for a decade everywhere. I stop carrying it in the last week because we're having a rash of robberies where thieves take iPhones, and since Monday I've witnessed a car accident, a thief stealing a package from someone's porch AND this!)

replies 181Nov 16, 2017 8:44 AM +00:00

WTF 181 those three paragraphs OVERwhelmed ---Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

replies 182Nov 16, 2017 8:48 AM +00:00


Sorry, R182!

replies 183Nov 16, 2017 9:36 AM +00:00
Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

Shallow breaths only r182.

--Shallow breaths only.
replies 184Nov 16, 2017 9:48 AM +00:00

Politically incorrect opinion in California: I hate the rain.

--My pussies are wet, too.
replies 185Nov 16, 2017 10:54 AM +00:00

China poured more concrete from 2011 to 2013 than America did during the entire 20th century.

replies 186Nov 16, 2017 12:09 PM +00:00

i have the hiccups.

replies 187Nov 16, 2017 1:22 PM +00:00

i just can't wake up today

replies 188Nov 16, 2017 1:48 PM +00:00

Achoooo. Allergies.

replies 189Nov 16, 2017 1:54 PM +00:00

I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

replies 190Nov 16, 2017 2:00 PM +00:00
I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

You can boil those suckers for an hour and they won't soften up. They aren't really 'baby' carrots but gnarly carrots that nobody will buy. They cut them up and then treat them with chlorine.

replies 191Nov 16, 2017 2:54 PM +00:00

I have been having headaches and feeling like I have to shit all the time.

replies 192Nov 16, 2017 3:11 PM +00:00

"[R176] - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?"

I've actually done that in the past. The problem is, he eats whatever it is I've bought for him, then when it's gone he manages to eat the rest of mine, too. I realize how terrible that sounds, but I reiterate, neither one of us is fat. We normally don't keep sweets in the house. (Mainly because he always finds and eats them).

replies 193Nov 16, 2017 3:34 PM +00:00

I usually take a walk before dinner, but today I didn't.

replies 194Nov 16, 2017 6:17 PM +00:00

I read a post on a Facebook Old Homes Renovation page. Prior occupants who stayed 60 days passed the closing date poured concrete down the kitchen drain as a parting gift to the new owners. That's what happens when you buy a house under foreclosure. Talk about a kitchen sink drama!

replies 195Nov 16, 2017 6:19 PM +00:00

^^^In case you were wondering why so many landlords are unfeeling assholes.

replies 196Nov 17, 2017 3:47 AM +00:00

A relative of mine has come out as trans on national tv I'm glad my mother is dead because it would have killed her.

replies 197Nov 17, 2017 6:54 AM +00:00

the voices won't leave me alone.

replies 198Nov 17, 2017 2:49 PM +00:00

I have a cold and spent most of last night sneezing, so I bought some nasal spray this morning. Now I've stopped sneezing altogether, but my throat hurts and no matter how much I cough, I can't clear it. With hindsight, the constant sneezing was the lesser evil. #firstworldproblems

replies 199Nov 17, 2017 3:57 PM +00:00

I'm getting ready to replace my kitchen appliances and washer/dryer in one fell swoop. Better than stringing it out, I thought.

--About to make LG's fourth quarter even brighter...
replies 200Nov 17, 2017 5:06 PM +00:00

Eat a teaspoon or two of honey, R199.

--Sore throats are the worst.
replies 201Nov 17, 2017 5:10 PM +00:00

Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

replies 202Nov 17, 2017 8:20 PM +00:00

I just made pastry cream for the first time, but I made too much.

It used 12 eggs.

replies 203Nov 17, 2017 8:23 PM +00:00
Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

He's just trying to keep up with you, dear.

replies 204Nov 18, 2017 3:42 AM +00:00

Whenever I see people wearing those Apple AirPods hanging out of the ears in the street, I can't stop thinking of this—

cameron diaz ear touching
replies 205Nov 19, 2017 4:37 PM +00:00

I went to Chuck E. Cheese. Not to eat or play games. For the theater.

*NEW VIDEO* - Evolution of Talking Animatronic Disney Characters- Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are great entertainment centers th...
replies 206Nov 19, 2017 8:57 PM +00:00

My hotmail page has been frozen on my iPhone for the last 2 days :(

replies 207Nov 19, 2017 9:38 PM +00:00

I watched Female Trouble with my niece Anna two weeks ago. She's 7.

My sister called yesterday because Anna is getting at trouble at school for telling other kids, "Who are you.....UGLY?"

She also said that Anna asked her little brother to call her Taffy.

My work here is DONE!

replies 208Nov 20, 2017 6:15 AM +00:00

Won't someone PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?????!!!!!!!???????

My daughter took this pic at Shopko. Wow. How does this go unnoticed by staff?
replies 209Nov 20, 2017 1:28 PM +00:00

I don't know where to file this.

Very very nice, wonderful!!! This guy sing very karaoke.
replies 210Nov 20, 2017 2:21 PM +00:00

Could someone please start a "I really, really want to be underwhelmed" thread.


--This one often wounds.
replies 211Nov 21, 2017 3:26 AM +00:00

I had sour patch kids for breakfast.

replies 212Nov 22, 2017 1:48 AM +00:00

I can't quite believe this is real. Anyone who buys this sweater should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

“???????????? $35 —> ???????????? #BlackFriday #CruzCrew #TXSen”
replies 213Nov 24, 2017 8:46 AM +00:00

I have a headache today. I may have a headache two or three times per annum, max. If you see some guy sitting on his front porch in eye mask and noise-canceling headphones, it's probably me.

replies 214Nov 25, 2017 2:49 PM +00:00

My rear end is very sore from being in the car all day. I’m relieved we just pulled in to the hotel parking lot. Soon my rump will rest.

replies 215Nov 25, 2017 3:47 PM +00:00

My stomach hurts really bad. I ate a whole plate of food on Thanksgiving and yesterday. I never eat that much food at once. Never again.

replies 216Nov 25, 2017 4:14 PM +00:00

I just had a Milky Way bar for dinner.

replies 217Nov 25, 2017 4:23 PM +00:00

Do I need to empty my bowels? I can't be sure. I'll have to stand up and twist around to feel if there's enough in my bowels to evacuate them.

Do I remember evacuating them morning? Or was that memory from yesterday?

replies 218Nov 25, 2017 4:59 PM +00:00

My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses. I have this old pair that are rimless and make this elder look even more elder. I went to the optometrist to get a new pair but didn't cause they didn't take my insurance.

They managed to twist the rimless ones back into shape. They were fine except that they are easily lost because they blend in to the background.

I sat on them and one of the bows broke off so now it is a real professional look. I bought some readers but still procrastinate about getting a new pair. Pretty fucking boring minutiae...... how did Proust make it so interesting?

Oh yeah he was a genius

replies 219Nov 25, 2017 5:19 PM +00:00

Oh, man, R219! I really relate to the glasses thing. I am constantly losing them or sitting on them. Stepped on them once. The worst thing is when I’m frantically running around the house looking for them and can’t find them—and then realize I’ve pushed them to the top of my head and forgot. Again.

replies 220Nov 25, 2017 5:57 PM +00:00

My partner baked three turkeys. Fifty pounds of turkey are 49 pounds more than I think we need for frozen leftovers. I don't particularly like turkey.

replies 221Nov 25, 2017 6:01 PM +00:00

Visiting family today (Sunday). I’ll always remember walking in to face intervention (s) during the holiday season.

--Not Bitter
replies 222Nov 26, 2017 10:54 AM +00:00

I discovered a spelling error in Cleveland's traffic statistics report for 1953. To whom shall I report the error?

--Cyd Chagrined
replies 223Nov 26, 2017 12:10 PM +00:00

Was cleaning my bathroom today. Used my trusty Clorox bathroom cleaner with bleach spray. I sprayed the tub, and also the tiles the go to the ceiling in the tub area. About a half hour later I was putting towels away and noticed that my brand new Navy blue towels, that had been folded On the shelf next to the tub had bleach "spray" marks all Over. Now they are ruined. They are Navy blue with pink spray spots.

My phone sucks. Not sure if it's my actual iPhone 7 plus that sucks or if this site has ruined my phone and gave me a virus. I'm thinking of getting the iPhone X because of this.

Also looking for a new job this week.

I was good this weekend. Only bought a couple things during the Black Friday sales

replies 224Nov 26, 2017 4:46 PM +00:00
To whom shall I report the error?

You just did r223. The DL is the repository for all such meaningless shit.

--Consider yourself a good citizen!
replies 225Nov 27, 2017 3:42 AM +00:00

My penis is hard.

replies 226Nov 27, 2017 4:07 AM +00:00

Still r226?

--You may want to consult your physician, you little blue pill popper you.
replies 227Nov 27, 2017 9:22 AM +00:00


Was your hard penis aroused by some erotic stimulation or was it just a waking dream? They are the hardest.

replies 228Nov 27, 2017 8:29 PM +00:00

I get perverse pleasure by going into the kitchen late at night and suddenly turning on the light and using a fly swatter to thwack the inevitable 2 or 3 cockroaches I see scuttling away.

replies 229Nov 28, 2017 2:17 AM +00:00

There's a fairly large puff of dog hair hanging from a single strand of spider web in the laundry room. I should clean it but it's kind of fascinating the way it wafts in the draft every time a door opens or shuts.

replies 230Nov 28, 2017 1:59 PM +00:00

I have never seen The Sixth Sense. Is it worth watching if, like me, you already know the twist?

replies 231Nov 29, 2017 9:07 AM +00:00

The twist is pretty evident from the get-go, so just enjoy the ride.

replies 232Nov 29, 2017 9:10 AM +00:00

Thanks, R232, I'll give it a try.

replies 233Nov 29, 2017 11:16 AM +00:00

My doctor tells me to reduce my cholesterol by eating stodgy porridge.

I sits like a dead weight in my stomach and I have to wait 6 months to find out if it's effective in any way.

replies 234Nov 29, 2017 11:28 AM +00:00

Friends to the end.

Cody and Howell Emanuel Donaldson III
replies 235Nov 30, 2017 10:51 AM +00:00

^ I don't suppose Howell Donaldson III (on the left) isn't any relation to Thurston Howell III.

replies 236Nov 30, 2017 5:50 PM +00:00

It's just emerged that my younger brother thought Princess Diana was William & Harry’s older sister. And we’re British. He was only a toddler when she died, but still. Jesus Christ.

replies 237Dec 1, 2017 10:59 AM +00:00

That's ok, R237. I thought Anne was the family horse

--And Camilla Was the Family Hound
replies 238Dec 1, 2017 11:16 AM +00:00

I accidentally farted while walking past one of my hot boss' door and immediately coughed and ran paper through the shredder for distraction. I hope he forgets by Monday that it ever happened.

replies 239Dec 1, 2017 12:41 PM +00:00

He might forget but I remember!

--The Listening Ear
replies 240Dec 2, 2017 12:04 PM +00:00

Who is this Muriel person?

Does Muriel come in and exercise "Flood Control" every time as I want to share my wisdom

--Gustave Flaubert
replies 241Dec 2, 2017 4:48 PM +00:00

I drank seven pints of beer of last night and fell asleep at 10.

But my brain woke me up at 2.30 and at 6.00am and again at 9.30 am to urinate out those seven pints of beer.

replies 242Dec 3, 2017 1:32 PM +00:00

I think Dianne Feinstein should retire, don't you?

She looks at Death's Door with those sad, saggy eyelids which must be hell to paint with a mascara pencil.

--Neil Gorsuch
replies 243Dec 4, 2017 2:12 AM +00:00
R219: My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses.

Look under the couch cushions and then under the couch. That’s where mine were, twice.

replies 244Dec 4, 2017 8:46 AM +00:00
R231: I have never seen The Sixth Sense

I thought it was a great movie.

replies 245Dec 4, 2017 8:51 AM +00:00

There's a difference between Christmas/Holiday songs and Winter songs.

Silent Night and White Christmas are Christmas Songs.

Baby It's Cold Outside and Winter Wonderland are Winter songs. As such, they may be performed and heard into March.

replies 246Dec 6, 2017 2:47 AM +00:00

However, thank god they are not.

replies 247Dec 6, 2017 4:36 AM +00:00

Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

replies 248Dec 7, 2017 7:31 AM +00:00
Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

The first reason I've had to remain alive in YEARS!

replies 249Dec 7, 2017 7:33 AM +00:00

Sept. 18, 1966: Diane Habegger of Van Nuys, the mother of three, organizes Housewives Voice for Lower Prices. They point out that the cost of bread had gone from 37 to 41 cents a loaf in two weeks

replies 250Dec 7, 2017 7:56 AM +00:00

My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

And Swoosie Kurtz as "Susie Squirts."

replies 251Dec 7, 2017 10:37 AM +00:00

Double ply Quilted Northern plugs my toilet.

I have to go back to single ply but Scott brand hurts. Tree bark would feel better.

replies 252Dec 8, 2017 4:40 PM +00:00

It has become darker, earlier. I have just begun to notice this.

replies 253Dec 8, 2017 9:18 PM +00:00

Della, try Scott Rapid Dissolve. It is two ply, and doesn't hurt. It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

replies 254Dec 8, 2017 9:21 PM +00:00

Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a film and it is so ugly, it ruins every scene that it is in.

replies 255Dec 8, 2017 9:21 PM +00:00
R91 I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

Are you one of the Magdalene Sisters?

replies 256Dec 8, 2017 9:55 PM +00:00
R251 My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

My mom not only renames stars, but calls any of them I like my friends.

She'll say, "It starred your friend, Faye Dunahugh."

replies 257Dec 8, 2017 10:06 PM +00:00

Oh, thanks, r254.

replies 258Dec 9, 2017 5:14 AM +00:00
It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

At that age, you're lucky you can still sit on a toilet. (*_~)

replies 259Dec 9, 2017 6:16 AM +00:00

I will go on an all-liquid diet when I reach 60.

I hate the drama of intestinal scraping and blockages.

replies 260Dec 9, 2017 6:56 AM +00:00

I wear rubber gloves whenever I have to touch water— including in the shower and whenever I perform a bowel-movement

--Prunella Dry-Skin
replies 261Dec 9, 2017 2:17 PM +00:00

I just cleaned some bird poop off of the hood of my Honda CR-V using paper towels and a spray bottle of water.

replies 262Dec 9, 2017 3:13 PM +00:00

I guess bird poop is acidic.

I am overwhelmed by the smell of ammonia when I empty my urine bottle.

--P D-S
replies 263Dec 9, 2017 3:27 PM +00:00

There is a toenail on my left foot that is very hard to cut. I've had it checked multiple times and it does not have fungus.

replies 264Dec 9, 2017 3:34 PM +00:00

^. You need to get a friend or a colleague to try it.

It's hard to get a good position to manoeuvre on your own feet. That's why I love my new foot scraper!
--Scholl fan
replies 265Dec 9, 2017 3:55 PM +00:00

I had a dream that all my teeth fell out. When I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream.

replies 266Dec 9, 2017 4:54 PM +00:00

So camp!

From "The Tomb of Ligeia"
--Nat Cohen and Stuart Levy
replies 267Dec 9, 2017 11:13 PM +00:00

"Blacula" is on Retro TV now. It's fun to watch it.

I remember seeing it during its 70s first run at the Modjeska Theatre. I was too frightened to watch it through and left early.

replies 268Dec 11, 2017 2:00 PM +00:00

I just learned that if you Google "All I Want for Christmas Is You", the results page has a Christmassy heading.

replies 269Dec 11, 2017 2:43 PM +00:00

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" This season, for the first time, I finally heard that song from start to finish. It's superb pop music.

"Scream, Blacula, Scream", " is on now. Already I can tell it won't be as fun to watch as "Blacula".

replies 270Dec 11, 2017 3:13 PM +00:00

"Music composed and conducted by Bill Marx".

replies 271Dec 11, 2017 3:15 PM +00:00

I've been stuck all week watching my step-grandson and I've taught him the Harpo Marx Handshake routine. The kid performs it like a champ:

replies 272Dec 11, 2017 3:45 PM +00:00

I bought a blender to encourage myself to eat more fruit.

Tonight I made a new mix of ⅔ cantaloupe and ⅓ skim milk plus two spoons of desiccated coconut.

replies 273Dec 12, 2017 1:37 AM +00:00

How did you type those fractions?

replies 274Dec 12, 2017 2:36 AM +00:00

^ Well, I just typed in a 2 and a / and a 3 and suddenly a ⅔ popped into place.

-- It was a pleasant surprise
replies 275Dec 12, 2017 11:23 AM +00:00

That cantaloupe smoothie was unusual in that it was based on milk.

Most of my others have oranges as their base. And I add on apples or carrots or celery or berries.

--And I ALWAYS keep the fibre.
replies 276Dec 12, 2017 9:45 PM +00:00

I hate 99% of Christmas music, especially Jingle Bell Rock.

replies 277Dec 13, 2017 2:38 PM +00:00

Underwhelm is a fairly recent addition to the English language, and as is often the case with such young words, there is a certain amount of misinformation regarding where it came from.

replies 278Dec 13, 2017 2:46 PM +00:00

I just thought of a couple of fun exit lines:

See you later, masturbator.

After a while, pedophile.

replies 279Dec 13, 2017 4:53 PM +00:00

I came here to post something, but now I forget what.

replies 280Dec 13, 2017 8:54 PM +00:00

All we did for outdoor Christmas lights was put a 90 watt white spotlight under each (6 of 'em) tree; nothing else. We also put up a large wreath with small white lights with a large red bow.

I like it, but, truth be told, I honestly can't make up my mind if the effect is elegant and subtle or blah and dull.

replies 281Dec 14, 2017 3:35 PM +00:00

^ I'm not Catholic or superstitious but I'd feel uneasy placing wreath on my door.

Jesus died at Easter time not Christmas.

replies 282Dec 14, 2017 3:41 PM +00:00

Yeah, R282, but only for three days. Does the time he was "dead" really count?

replies 283Dec 15, 2017 2:28 PM +00:00

Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, r283.

replies 284Dec 15, 2017 5:11 PM +00:00

So, I guess I'm not supposed to dip my bread into the peanut butter jar. Sometimes my mam makes me feel like a seven year old.

replies 285Dec 16, 2017 12:30 PM +00:00

There's a Claudia Lamb (Heather Hartman from MH,MH) tribute on YT. It's a little less than a minute long but provides a link to an actual Claudia Lamb interview from 10-28-16.

CLICK HERE -- NEW Claudia Lamb 2016 Exclusive CLCI Webzine Interview - Actress Claudia Lamb ('aka Heather Hartma...
replies 286Dec 16, 2017 8:40 PM +00:00

The tediousness of dressing with an awreness of thr various articles of clothing w hen worn together, i.e. length of shirt and height of waistband, degree of sheerness of shirt, camisole versus bra, cleavage and help style, length of pants, type of sock, type of shoe, color match, Brown or black leather for shoes and purse, outerwear in comparison to outfit, likelihood of perspiring and the appropriate deodorant, etc. ad infinitum.

replies 287Dec 16, 2017 9:05 PM +00:00


😂😂😂😂 Love you.

replies 288Dec 16, 2017 9:07 PM +00:00

Fifty minutes ago a strange man's mouth was around my penis.

It was pleasant even if he wasn't particularly attractive.

His mouth was wonderfully warm.

--Will I see him next week?
replies 289Dec 16, 2017 11:27 PM +00:00

"Dog food lid" spelled backward is “dildo of god.”

"Jesus" read backward sounds like "sausage."

replies 290Dec 17, 2017 2:33 PM +00:00

What is the difference between lint, dust and dander?

I suck it all up in my Dyson Stick but can I place it all down the lavatory bowl?

replies 291Dec 19, 2017 2:24 AM +00:00

Look at the two harmonious curves of the man on the right's stomach and buttock
replies 292Dec 20, 2017 1:22 AM +00:00

I'm watching this movie on YouTube.

It's directed by James Whale and features an absolutely OTT role for Mrs Patrick Campbell.
replies 293Dec 22, 2017 11:42 PM +00:00

^ "One More River" (1934)

replies 294Dec 22, 2017 11:44 PM +00:00

I just slipped and fell on my way from the kitchen. That’s what I get for being a fat girl.

replies 295Dec 22, 2017 11:55 PM +00:00

I cut ma toe. I took the recycle bag out of the bin to bring it out to the garage and I kicked it when I walked past it. With my luck, I managed to kick a heavy glass canister that had been broken in half. I'm lucky I didn't sever the toe from my foot.

replies 296Dec 23, 2017 6:09 AM +00:00

I had another of my flying dreams which originated my childhood Parkour (*look it up in a dictionary*)

I fly vast differences over cities that I know. Of course, my greatest problem is avoiding the telegraph wires because I don't like flying too high. But you'd be amazed how you can pick a flight path to avoid them. Last night I flew across the harbour to avoid them.

replies 297Dec 24, 2017 10:57 AM +00:00

I just watched Planes Trains and Automobiles and Steve Martin's wife looks like she's on barbiturates through the whole thing

replies 298Dec 25, 2017 6:08 PM +00:00

I have never been a big holiday person....and always go to an extended family's endless dinner where we arrive two hours early.

This year (and at Thansgiving) I bucked tradition by arriving a half an hour late for the drinks portion.

replies 299Dec 25, 2017 8:00 PM +00:00

Something big keeps pooping in my front yard.

--WTF is up with that
replies 300Dec 26, 2017 1:15 AM +00:00

I posted upthread about EBT benefits being cut. SSI just gave us a raise from $735 to $750 per month. So EBT went down from $102 to $95. Net gain of $8 for rise in "cost of living." I wonder how republicans live with themselves sometimes.

replies 301Dec 26, 2017 2:54 PM +00:00

^. Are you taking about Electronic benefit transfer, R301?

replies 302Dec 26, 2017 2:59 PM +00:00

Yes, r302, a.k.a. Food Stamps a.k.a. SNAP.

replies 303Dec 26, 2017 3:19 PM +00:00

I just found out that one of my two actual, legitimate enemies died today of cancer. My other enemy is his wife. I wish I had even a little bit of regret, but I still despise them both. They did me a lot of damage.

replies 304Dec 26, 2017 6:10 PM +00:00

Like mortal enemies, R304?

replies 305Dec 26, 2017 6:21 PM +00:00

R301 I guess you didn't appreciate that thread from a couple of months ago in DL where about 20 or so DLers (who I assume had retired and were able to calculate their assets and) declared they were worth over a million dollars.

I haven't the wherewithal to calculate mine but my best friends says most have more than they know.

replies 306Dec 26, 2017 7:29 PM +00:00

OK, (Julianne Moore) seriously, some of you noobs need to go read old Underwhelmed threads because you're missing the fucking point of the entire thing. And, for that matter, you should be reading old threads to get a sense of tone for this entire place because you're fucking it all up.

replies 307Dec 26, 2017 8:47 PM +00:00

R305, well the one is mortal anyway, since he's dead now. Hopefully the other stone-cold cunt will prove her mortality soon enough.

replies 308Dec 26, 2017 8:54 PM +00:00

R300 , could it be a raccoon? They come to our house looking for cat food every night, and sometimes I'll see poop on the sidewalk and think it might be them because most people will pick up after their dogs.

We have skunks too; they have such luxurious tales.

replies 309Dec 27, 2017 8:45 AM +00:00

Tales of what, R309? I thought skunks led pretty boring lives.

replies 310Dec 27, 2017 8:50 AM +00:00

Sorry, it's me r300. I can't help it and your daisies are sooooo inviting!

replies 311Dec 27, 2017 2:45 PM +00:00

I’m the musical Cats!

replies 312Dec 27, 2017 2:52 PM +00:00

I love Cats and cats.

replies 313Dec 27, 2017 4:56 PM +00:00

Two owls are hooting at each other in the woods behind my house. They're really loud. It sounds something like this:

There's brief video clip in the beginning but the rest is audio. The first audio clip is a female and male pair doing a duet. They're mating partners and the...
replies 314Dec 27, 2017 5:16 PM +00:00

My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because I snore. He is vegetarian and weighs 150lbs soaking wet. Last night he turned the thermostat up so high that I had to open my window an inch (it was 12 degrees outside) and drag my summer fan out of the closet. When I finally tried to turn down the thermostat, I couldn't. He'd broken it. Seriously. The heat won't stop.

He's always been cold. But when I walked into his bedroom early today, what did I see? His fucking air conditioner is still in his window! It's uncovered. It's 13 degrees and windy outside, he's got the equivalent of an open window in his room and my room is 84 degrees! Stupidity like this is unfathomable.

replies 315Dec 28, 2017 5:47 AM +00:00

Zac Efron’s acting career.

replies 316Dec 28, 2017 5:56 AM +00:00

I'm ill and instead of offering comfort my cat sits on his favourite cushion and looks at me like he is slightly disgusted and confused, and wants a cuddle. So I pick him up for a cuddle and he looks uncomfortable and fucks off back to his cushion.

replies 317Dec 29, 2017 2:15 AM +00:00

Heinz mayonnaise is not as good as Hellman's/Best Foods.

replies 318Dec 29, 2017 10:51 AM +00:00

I'm so worried about my Guinea fowl. They sleep in trees and live their whole lives outdoors. They've gone through cold weather before, but not extended, like this. Maybe a few days of single digits and teens temperatures, then it gets to be about 30 degrees, which is fine with them. I looked at the 10 day outlook and there are no days where the temperature gets out of the low twenties and all days have lows in the single digits. This sucks.

replies 319Dec 29, 2017 10:55 AM +00:00

r319, what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs? Curious. I hear they're good for keeping down ticks.

replies 320Dec 29, 2017 12:27 PM +00:00

Do they have a coop, R319? Leave it open and make sure they have deep clean bedding but other than that you don't need to worry about them. You might try giving them an evening feed of corn but that's about it.

replies 321Dec 29, 2017 3:57 PM +00:00

I just got some blood test results back: bad liver and kidney numbers. I'm quite scared.

replies 322Dec 29, 2017 11:44 PM +00:00

Be careful with your kidneys. I knew a very wealthy alcoholic who was struck down at age 65.

replies 323Dec 29, 2017 11:49 PM +00:00

I am so whelmed that I am deleting this thread from my favorites.

--I hope you are all proud of yourselves.
replies 324Jan 2, 2018 3:05 AM +00:00

I understand R324. I can't expect you to share my pain in that my nightmares are getting worse with age.

They're getting worse in that my self-knowledge is increasing inversely with the deterioration of all those valves, bones, ligaments and soft flesh which all adds to horrible, horrible nightmares.

--(written, upon waking)
replies 325Jan 2, 2018 9:33 AM +00:00

Take it to a thread that cares r325.

--This thread, at its best, is about kittens farting. Adorably.
replies 326Jan 2, 2018 9:35 AM +00:00

My cat is rather fond of marzipan stollen.

replies 327Jan 3, 2018 9:51 AM +00:00

I have a test tomorrow morning and I havent studied yet

replies 328Jan 3, 2018 9:52 AM +00:00

I just found online the full length version of a highlights porn video which I've jerked off to in the past, and the full length version is no more exciting than the highlights.

replies 329Jan 4, 2018 5:56 AM +00:00

That is common R329. We have short attention span now.

replies 330Jan 4, 2018 12:52 PM +00:00

I'm listening to songs from the I Am Sam soundtrack (even though I've never seen the film), and all I can think of Robert Downey Jr's "never go full retard" speech in Tropic Thunder.

replies 331Jan 5, 2018 5:21 PM +00:00

While watching Jimi Hendrix- Voodoo Child on Netflix I realized Lenny Kravitz copies his clothing style.

replies 332Jan 6, 2018 1:49 PM +00:00

Lenny Kravitz is a Half-jewish copy-cat

replies 333Jan 6, 2018 2:14 PM +00:00

I grew up saying "hot chocolate" instead of "cocoa."

replies 334Jan 6, 2018 4:11 PM +00:00

I'm sick and goddamn tired of my partner's life long straight male friend contacting me because my boyfriend won't respond to him. Said friend lives in a European country and loves to contact us at inopportune times because he's too fucking stupid to understand the time difference. I always end up being the one arguing politics and whatever else this guy wants to bitch about. Why must I keep up my boyfriend's friendships? This has been going on for years.

replies 335Jan 6, 2018 4:18 PM +00:00

I dread this evening's inevitable multiple Golden Globes threads. Those uncomfortable which thread will be "it?" moments before the prevailing thread takes over, unnerves me.

replies 336Jan 7, 2018 9:22 AM +00:00

R335 — You can put an end to it by abruptly, when he's in mid-sentence, say to him, "I'll bet you have a really big cock. Got any dick pics?" Or if you think that's a little too hardcore, you could say instead, "What color underpants are you wearing right now?"

You're welcome.

replies 337Jan 7, 2018 9:25 AM +00:00

Sage advice for new year—

1,243 Likes, 55 Comments - Dame Edna Everage (@dameednaeverage) on Instagram
replies 338Jan 7, 2018 12:29 PM +00:00

I use a mouse instead of the touchpad.

The roller thing on the top of the mouse, in the middle, just stopped responding.

I worry it is broken.

replies 339Jan 9, 2018 6:07 PM +00:00

I hate these fuckers. I keep finding them in my house.
replies 340Jan 10, 2018 2:56 PM +00:00
what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs?

My guinea fowl don't have a coop. They sleep in trees. They just showed up one day. There were 15 of them. They've been whittled down to 3. There were 4 of them for 5 years, but I lost one last winter (during a warm spell, oddly).

I keep them for eating ticks. In summer they eat birdseed as a snack, but in winter I have to seriously feed them. They're idiots, but I like them.

They are all male. The females all died the first summer because they lay eggs out in the open and sit on the nest day and night, where they end up getting consumed by hawks, owls, dogs, raccoons, possums, foxes. We don't have coyotes here, but they are big consumers of guinea fowl as well.

replies 341Jan 10, 2018 3:05 PM +00:00
replies 342Jan 10, 2018 3:32 PM +00:00

I had the creepiest dream last night. I was lying in my bed when I felt this invisible force - (i.e. a ghost) - pushing down on my chest and my throat so that I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear it screaming aggressively at me, although I couldn't make out what it was saying. When I woke up, I was in that confused, half-asleep state, so it took me a few minutes to realise that it must have been a dream.

replies 343Jan 10, 2018 3:33 PM +00:00

Salesforce Tower, underwhelming by design, opens for business

Noted skyscraper comes with San Francisco’s lack of “visual swagger”

Noted skyscraper comes with San Francisco’s lack of "visual swagger."
Curbed SF
replies 344Jan 10, 2018 3:42 PM +00:00

God, that building is ugly. It looks like a mechanical pencil.

replies 345Jan 10, 2018 7:00 PM +00:00

I put a pizza in the toaster oven and ate an apple while it was cooking and now I'm not even hungry anymore and don't want to eat the pizza.

replies 346Jan 14, 2018 2:43 PM +00:00

I hate Sunday so much I feel like crying.

replies 347Jan 14, 2018 2:58 PM +00:00

I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)

replies 348Jan 14, 2018 3:13 PM +00:00

I'm going to throw my garbage down the chute in the compactor room now.

replies 349Jan 14, 2018 3:21 PM +00:00

I'm back.

replies 350Jan 14, 2018 3:23 PM +00:00

"I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)"

I take my nail clippings and toss them into the garden, where, hopefully, they'll turn into compost and nourish the plants. I view this as the ultimate recycling.

Glad you're back R350. We missed you.

replies 351Jan 14, 2018 4:09 PM +00:00

I put cotton sheets on my bed yesterday, but now I hear we're in for another cold snap. I want to change, but that would mean removing two blankets and a comforter as well as the sheets.

replies 352Jan 14, 2018 6:13 PM +00:00

My feet stink. I should get in the tub but I'm watching bad tv and don't wan to stop.

replies 353Jan 14, 2018 6:41 PM +00:00

A cute boy stared at me when I was in line at the supermarket. He totally wants me.

--Or he totally hates me, one or the other
replies 354Jan 14, 2018 8:00 PM +00:00

I just woke up and I have to pee. My place is cool and my bed is warm and I don’t want to get up.

replies 355Jan 15, 2018 3:15 AM +00:00

^ I have a glass jar (with lid) under my bed for use in the night.

I don't follow Sarah Miles' philosophy so I rinse out the jar in the bathroom in the morning and let it drain in the yard.

When I'm rinsing I note that the hot liquid from my body has caused condensation under the lid of the jar and I wonder if this condensation liquid is "clean".

replies 356Jan 15, 2018 3:49 AM +00:00

Lick it.

--Let us know.
replies 357Jan 15, 2018 4:36 AM +00:00

My Siberian Husky appropriated one of my unwashed tennis socks a couple of weeks ago and carries it around everywhere with her. She won't let me take it away from her and is very possessive of it. Of course I'm letting her keep it. I just can't understand what the attraction is. She's had plenty of opportunity to pilfer my clothing, socks, underwear, etc., but has never done it before. The sock is now getting kind of ratty looking, but she seems to love it.

replies 358Jan 15, 2018 9:51 AM +00:00

Lick it.

--Let us know.
replies 359Jan 15, 2018 10:02 AM +00:00

r358, your Husky is a wicked practical joke-playing minx and I think I love her.

--Take that, Mr. Opposable Thumbs
replies 360Jan 15, 2018 11:40 AM +00:00

My cat walked across my laptop keyboard and somehow managed to invert images on my second monitor! I had no idea that could be done. Took me a couple minutes to figure out how to close the open windows (with the mouse, up was down, left was right) undo what he did. That would have been a funny call to the Help Desk.

--Upside Kitty
replies 361Jan 17, 2018 10:04 AM +00:00

R358 She is doing it for your smell. Same reason why dogs eat glasses, etc.

If it has the smell of their human on it they are all about it. Just happened to be your sock.

replies 362Jan 17, 2018 10:20 AM +00:00

I just went to an AA meeting ('s just part of my regular week.)

This (perhaps homeless ?) woman came in a bit late and was sitting a few seats away from me, coughing for most of it.

I left 5 minutes before the end, when we hold hands for the Serenity Prayer, because I don't want to get sick.

#WinnerToday : (

replies 363Jan 18, 2018 7:24 PM +00:00
R284 Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, [R283]

He was just taking Jennifer's Sleep Cure from VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. .

replies 364Jan 18, 2018 7:26 PM +00:00

I know it's an old post, but R257 made me laugh.

replies 365Jan 19, 2018 5:58 AM +00:00

I haven't smoked a J in decades. Retroplex is running a Toho Studios Godzilla marathon. I want to be stoned, with plenty of snacks.

replies 366Jan 19, 2018 4:41 PM +00:00

I can't believe Animaniacs got away with this joke in the 90s:

Should I mute it when prince is on the screen? EDIT: From the "Hercule Yakko" episode. EDIT2: Here's the crew talking about the show and actually, this joke....
replies 367Jan 23, 2018 11:07 AM +00:00

I just beeped one and I'm too lazy to get up and see if I made a mess of myself.

replies 368Jan 23, 2018 11:47 AM +00:00

^ Don't stain the sheets, R368!

replies 369Jan 24, 2018 1:40 AM +00:00

I've been watching the latest series of 'Naked Dating' and they've obviously been scraping the bottom of the barrel to find a personable man to go naked.

Finally, Sam has arrived.

replies 370Jan 24, 2018 1:50 AM +00:00

I just watched a dust bunny blow across the living room floor. So pretty.

replies 371Jan 24, 2018 11:16 AM +00:00

Seriously, all I did today was jerk off and nap over and over and over again. I could get something done now but I kinda just want to get back in bed.

replies 372Jan 25, 2018 5:00 PM +00:00

Fair enough, R372. Did you jerk a second time?

replies 373Jan 25, 2018 5:04 PM +00:00

I'm mildly obsessed with Adam Driver at the moment. I have no idea why.

Shirtless Kylo Ren with his high pants is bringing ’Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ fans together with some strange memes.
--Some of the memes are amusing
replies 374Jan 25, 2018 5:20 PM +00:00

My friend wants me to come over, but I'm tired and don't feel like it. I may go. I may not go.

replies 375Jan 26, 2018 4:00 PM +00:00

Missing a kick

at the icebox door

It closed anyway

--Jack Kerouac
replies 376Jan 26, 2018 4:27 PM +00:00

Are desk organizers used as succulent planters a thing in flyover circles?

I'm deeply offended as soil should not be in proximity to paperwork.

--Left Coast
replies 377Jan 27, 2018 12:18 PM +00:00

My ex-husbands gave me some indoor Spathyfiliums.

But they're more trouble than pretty.

replies 378Jan 27, 2018 12:32 PM +00:00

It’s not a raccoon pooping in my front yard. Around here their poo has a lot of seeds in it. And the poo is standing upright like Mr. Hankey giving me an FU. Sick.

replies 379Jan 27, 2018 12:49 PM +00:00

I'm afraid that these Proud Parenting ads may land me in prison for kiddie porn.

replies 380Jan 28, 2018 4:35 AM +00:00

I just smashed the first digit of my middle finger with a hammer. Hurts like fuck. I have ice on it and took a couple of pills. Really hard to open pill bottles with one hand. I hope it isn't broken. I should just be a brain in a jar. I'm too clumsy for corporeal existence.

replies 381Feb 1, 2018 8:42 AM +00:00

I am sorry that you are injured r381.

But in 2018 it is joyful that you can be underwhelming.

I guess what I am saying is that I am actually glad that you hurt yourself in such an underwhelming way.

replies 382Feb 1, 2018 8:46 AM +00:00

I ate some eggs. They were pretty good.

replies 383Feb 1, 2018 8:51 AM +00:00

I just gave my two Huskies a snack and they're now chasing each other all over the yard. God, they're having fun!

replies 384Feb 1, 2018 6:24 PM +00:00

I bought a coat without realizing it's coming from Shanghai. Some tiny Asian must have been fitted for size medium. It's snug around the the armpits and sleeves are short. The chinaman said the cost to return it would be more than the coat itself.

replies 385Feb 2, 2018 6:40 AM +00:00

I should wear glasses due to my astigmatism (oval shaped pupils or some shit) but I havent in more than 10 years and I guess I can see fine. My brother has worn glasses forever and when he takes them off his eyes look strangely tiny -wtf is up with that?

replies 386Feb 2, 2018 6:43 AM +00:00

My dog barks at my nice and friendly dad everyday, EVERY DAY and he paid for the damn dog. I am stuck with dumb dog.

replies 387Feb 2, 2018 6:47 AM +00:00

Not to mention he is stuck with dumb you R387.

replies 388Feb 2, 2018 6:54 AM +00:00

Your dad needs to keep dog treats in a pants pocket.

replies 389Feb 2, 2018 7:38 AM +00:00

In the 12 years of elementary/JH/HS school we never had one snow day. Since I moved back to the area, it snows constantly in winter. Big storms, little storms, dustings, several feet of snow. Wet snow, dry snow, slush, sleet.

Fuck this

replies 390Feb 2, 2018 7:41 AM +00:00

In my threadlist the first entry was just: "What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?"

Immediately followed by "Tommy Lee's Cock"

--How's that for an underwhelming Friday?
replies 391Feb 2, 2018 9:33 AM +00:00
I Want To Be Underwhelmed

Read the Devin Nunes memo.

replies 392Feb 2, 2018 9:41 AM +00:00

I'm supposed to be working from home but all I've done is organize my photos and watch YouTube vids of some Canadian lady exploring abandoned houses.

replies 393Feb 2, 2018 10:35 AM +00:00

I kind of like the smell of my fingers right now. But I can't describe how they smell. Jealous, bitches!?

replies 394Feb 2, 2018 11:09 AM +00:00

How long do I have until eating only coffee and chocolate bars for every meal will make me sick?

replies 395Feb 3, 2018 8:26 PM +00:00

That will be approximately 1.3 days after you die r395.

--The clock starts NOW.
replies 396Feb 5, 2018 5:41 AM +00:00

I hate the word, 'peep'. It just skeeves me out. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

replies 397Feb 6, 2018 5:58 AM +00:00

So, like, it turns out my body doesn't digest gummy bears. Yeah. Picture my toilet bowl.

replies 398Feb 8, 2018 8:12 AM +00:00

Boo-Berry cereal will turn your shit bright green.
replies 399Feb 8, 2018 8:24 AM +00:00
Picture my toilet bowl.

Pics please.

replies 400Feb 8, 2018 8:44 AM +00:00

^Yes, please. We need to bear witness. Thank you and may peace be with your ass, now, and always.

replies 401Feb 8, 2018 9:57 AM +00:00

Lemme just say that plucking gummy bears from my asshole made me feel like Whitney Houston on acid.

replies 402Feb 8, 2018 10:56 AM +00:00
plucking gummy bears from my asshole made me feel like Whitney Houston on acid

More pics please!

--TIA but hurry up already!
replies 403Feb 9, 2018 7:13 AM +00:00

I scratched my butt while I slept and now got doodoo under my nails

replies 404Feb 9, 2018 9:06 AM +00:00

I just puked my guts out from an antibiotic.

replies 405Feb 15, 2018 6:32 AM +00:00

I put my boogers under the sofa cushion.

replies 406Feb 15, 2018 6:45 AM +00:00

Perhaps r404 could borrow your cushion r406?

--The DL tries to be inclusive. It seldom works, however.
replies 407Feb 15, 2018 7:26 AM +00:00

I find myself thinking about eggs quite often.

replies 408Feb 18, 2018 12:12 PM +00:00

Yesterday I was taking a piss and was looking at the wall in our bathroom, and I realized that I may not like the color so much after all. It looks a little washed out sometimes. I dunno.

--Sister Mary Agnes of Perpetual Decoration
replies 409Feb 18, 2018 5:03 PM +00:00

I'm still drunk from yesterday. Considering giving up on trying to sober up and just cracking open another beer. This limbo sucks.

replies 410Feb 22, 2018 7:41 AM +00:00

My fingers smell peculiar: A mix of burnt erasers, pig dung, and . . . watermelon?

replies 411Feb 24, 2018 9:02 AM +00:00

Big fight brewing between my brother and my sister & brother-in-law. Dying to know all the details but don't really want to get involved. I'm just nosey and bored.

replies 412Feb 24, 2018 9:55 AM +00:00

How many boo-boos do you think you have let today, so far?

replies 413Feb 25, 2018 11:18 AM +00:00

Ludens has put menthol in its honey lemon and honey licorice cough drops. That sucks. I liked those cough drops because they *didn't* have menthol in them.

Menthol gives me a stomach ache and does nothing to soothe a sore throat or dry mouth.

replies 414Feb 25, 2018 12:19 PM +00:00

I need me some taters!!!!

replies 415Feb 25, 2018 12:26 PM +00:00

"I need me some taters!!!!"

It's funny you should say that, R315. I got to majorly craving me a mess of fried taters earlier today, so I made a special trip to Albertsons just to buy me a couple of Russets. I'm going to slice them real thin and fry them in bacon grease and that's going to be my dinner tonight, with LOTS of salt and pepper. The downside (if you can call it that) is that I'm going to be farting all night as a result.

Yeah, I know. I type fat. Surprisingly, I'm not.

replies 416Feb 25, 2018 3:54 PM +00:00

I was going to do laundry tonight, but someone else was using washer.

--Socks will have to wait til tommorrow.
replies 417Feb 25, 2018 5:36 PM +00:00

I have to wake up in about five hours but I'm not really tired because I slept in very late today and took a nap later and I kinda feel like I should just get up and quite wasting time pretending I'm going to fall asleep but, if I do that, I know I'm going to be exhausted by the time I need to be "on" today.

replies 418Feb 27, 2018 9:32 PM +00:00

Motherfuck -- I delay and delay emptying my history on my iPad because it takes so long to get back to posting on DL. I had to finally do it because my iPad was getting crazy. It's been two days already. I've signed in at least 20 times, but I still can't get back to posting yet. I understand some people get shitcanned for being ff'd but for Christ sakes, when all we've done is clear the damn browser for the first time in months, can't we get back in before signing in &I out 500 times?

--Posted from my iPhone
replies 419Mar 9, 2018 11:12 AM +00:00

I really like observing squirrels.

replies 420Mar 9, 2018 11:21 AM +00:00

I hate squirrels. They steal all my birdseed. The birds eat and fly off, then come back before dusk to refuel, but the fucking squirrels spent all day, sun up to sun down, grabbing seed and burying it somewhere. They dig up my gardens - even my window boxes - to bury a cheekful of millet. Bastards.

replies 421Mar 9, 2018 11:37 AM +00:00

A friend is coming over tonight to watch one of the 3 following movies:

Xanadu Can't Stop the Music The Sweetest Thing

Which one to choose??

replies 422Mar 9, 2018 12:40 PM +00:00

What, no Ishtar, R422? No Heavens Gate? Waterworld?

replies 423Mar 9, 2018 12:53 PM +00:00

And the winner was-Can't Stop The Music! Do the shake!

replies 424Mar 10, 2018 2:42 AM +00:00

I just had a very loose bowel movement.

replies 425Mar 10, 2018 3:50 AM +00:00

I know I'm going to hell for laughing about this. Someone I follow on Twitter posted a link to a PETA article about horse racing, and the summary said, "Behind the romanticized façade of thoroughbred horse racing is a world of injuries, drug abuse, gruesome breakdowns, and slaughter." I know that by "drug abuse" they mean horses being given performance-enhancing drugs or whatever, but I have this image in my head of a horse who's been seduced by the darker side of the racing industry and is shooting up heroin.

replies 426Mar 11, 2018 2:50 PM +00:00

squirrels = death

replies 427Mar 12, 2018 3:39 AM +00:00

My toe = so sore and tender to the touch.

replies 428Mar 12, 2018 8:14 AM +00:00

Having late dinner tonight with my straight crush. That's if the weather doesn't skunk us afuckingain.

replies 429Mar 12, 2018 10:23 AM +00:00

I don't know how to change a tire. I need to change my tire.

replies 430Mar 12, 2018 10:38 AM +00:00

I bought a scratchcard today but didn't win. I knew I wouldn't but there was a brief moment of hope. I'm not desperately poor but I need new glasses, some dental work and for a plumber to sort out my leaking shower. I'm not greedy, a £1000 would had been enough. I'm just going to have to save up.

replies 431Mar 12, 2018 10:48 AM +00:00

I can’t adjust to the time change yet. It’s messing up my stride, It feels like it’s 11:30, but it’s really now 12:30. I should be in bed instead of DL.

replies 432Mar 13, 2018 7:40 PM +00:00

R427 wasn’t her name Rose? I completely forget her name.

replies 433Mar 13, 2018 7:43 PM +00:00

r427 here. I believe you are right about her name, but I am no longer sure.

--Her wisdom, however, is timeless. As we all must acknowledge.
replies 434Mar 14, 2018 3:40 AM +00:00

I think I broke my guts with hot pepper flakes.

I'm going to die here on the toilet in agony.

replies 435Mar 14, 2018 11:35 AM +00:00

I bought a new iPad with 128g to replace my old one with 16g. Huge improvement in the battery life. My old iPad died after 3 hours. I get 10-12 hours on this new one. And it cost less than the old one, on sale in Best Buy.

But I can't post on Datalounge, lol. Gonna have to wait a couple of months I guess.

replies 436Mar 14, 2018 11:49 AM +00:00

I wish my nephew would stop smoking.

replies 437Mar 14, 2018 11:50 AM +00:00

I found this thing in one of the kitchen drawers. It was there when I moved in to this property last month. It looks like a bath plug but with a metal attachment. I tried it in the bath but it doesn't fit. I don't know what it is.

replies 438Mar 14, 2018 11:52 AM +00:00

Does it fit in the kitchen sink drain?

replies 439Mar 14, 2018 11:59 AM +00:00

I somehow broke a chunck out of my thumbnail three weeks ago. Filed it down but it was all slanted.

It has returned to normal now.

replies 440Mar 14, 2018 12:02 PM +00:00

r439, the Underwhelmed threads are not interactive. They are non-sequiturial.

replies 441Mar 14, 2018 12:04 PM +00:00

I need to go to the post office to pick up a letter there and i don't wanna go because the post office is such a pain. You have to queue for ages and then everyone there is always either fat, gross, ugly, smelly, retarded or all those things at once. I also think the letter is some paperwork from my downstairs neighbors' insurance accusing me of flooding that old bitch when i didn't.

replies 442Mar 14, 2018 12:05 PM +00:00

My neighbor's dog is badly trained and releases its bowels on the sidewalk. Because my fat, smelly neighbor is too lazy to walk his Great Dane 500 feet to some grass.

replies 443Mar 14, 2018 12:05 PM +00:00

I am making an appearance for jury duty this week.

They never pick me.

I will bring a book.

replies 444Mar 14, 2018 1:07 PM +00:00

I think I'll make a proper pot of tea today and just relax.

replies 445Mar 17, 2018 8:28 AM +00:00

P.U. I really stink. But I don't care. Not taking a shower.

replies 446Mar 17, 2018 10:45 AM +00:00

^Judgers can all go blow various dead bears!

replies 447Mar 17, 2018 10:50 AM +00:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Eponymous albums. Are you seriously telling me you can't think of a more interesting title than your own name? It's even worse when the same artist has more than one of them. Whitney's Houston's first album is called Whitney Houston, and her second is called Whitney. Kylie Minogue has one album called Kylie and another called Kylie Minogue.

replies 448Mar 17, 2018 12:31 PM +00:00

We agree, R448.

replies 449Mar 17, 2018 4:22 PM +00:00

This year will be the same as last year - warm February, freezing cold spring.

replies 450Mar 18, 2018 5:52 AM +00:00

Today is my Saturday. I had to do an online test for a job application and tomorrow I’m getting a root canal. Plus my partner has been coughing his lungs out for a week. What a shitty weekend.

replies 451Mar 18, 2018 11:32 AM +00:00

The guy who installed my new furnace told me the insulation under my double-wide needs to be re-stapled.

that was nice of him.

replies 452Mar 18, 2018 11:52 AM +00:00

My dog pissed in the house 3 times today. I'm going to look for a recipe for maltipoo stew.

replies 453Mar 18, 2018 12:24 PM +00:00

Your dog needs to go to the vet

replies 454Mar 18, 2018 4:48 PM +00:00

There are a crazy little Carolina wren flitting around the outside of my house, making insanely loud whirring and buzzing and calling sounds. He pops up on every bush, railing, stump -- whatever he can find and just yells like crazy. He found out I throw peanuts outside to the other birds and I think he's trying to force me to give him all the peanuts, or else.

replies 455Mar 19, 2018 8:25 AM +00:00

I've got a shard of popcorn kernel in my gum surrounding my right cuspid.

It hurts. I brushed my teeth and when my brush touched it, the pain caused my hair to stand on end.

I dig and dig and dig at it...I used floss, too. I suppose the floss pushed it further in.

replies 456Mar 21, 2018 2:03 PM +00:00

R456 Rinse with warm salt water

replies 457Mar 21, 2018 4:52 PM +00:00

Adam Rippon is the guest DJ on Ellen today. He said he loves Oyster Bay wine and said they sent him 4 cases of wine. He then said it was "like 12 bottles of wine." Uhm, there's 12 BOTTLES to a CASE. That's 48 BOTTLES, you dimwit!

--Oy Vey
replies 458Mar 22, 2018 10:09 AM +00:00

I feel so tender to the touch.

replies 459Mar 28, 2018 1:09 PM +00:00

All these Jews at my job are so lucky - of course the ones born after 1943, they get so many days off

replies 460Mar 29, 2018 12:57 PM +00:00

The BBC flashed up a breaking news announcement that Prince Philip is going into hospital for planned hip surgery. If it's planned, then why is it breaking news, you drama queens?

replies 461Apr 3, 2018 6:47 AM +00:00

listening to madonna

replies 462Apr 3, 2018 6:53 AM +00:00

The guy I'm "talking to" takes 6+ hours to get back to me

replies 463Apr 3, 2018 6:54 AM +00:00

The specialist I am going is attracted to me because he checks me out when he thinks I am not looking. I am attracted to him as well, but I am hesitant to do anything because of the doctor/patient relationship. I have one more visit. I guess I will leave it alone and hope for the best.

--what to do.....sigh
replies 464Apr 3, 2018 7:21 AM +00:00

Based on the Friday the 13th thread-I'm gonna start watching them in order tonight.

replies 465Apr 3, 2018 1:08 PM +00:00

2 nites ago I dreamed I was in a nude reality show with pornstar josh Weston and Justin beiber. it was great fun, then some huge fight erupted and naked in the street were dozens of boys really fighting like cats.

over all. good. had wet dream.

replies 466Apr 3, 2018 1:14 PM +00:00

A new Aldi just opened near my house. I thought of DL as soon as I saw it.

replies 467Apr 3, 2018 1:48 PM +00:00

I prefer to eat a hot dog on a piece of bread instead of a bun.

replies 468Apr 3, 2018 2:18 PM +00:00

There are 2 deep purple crocuses coming up in my garden bed. I’ve never planted crocuses.

replies 469Apr 6, 2018 11:52 AM +00:00

R430 Loosen the lug nuts before you jack the car up. (Speaking from humiliating experience.)

replies 470Apr 6, 2018 11:58 AM +00:00

Birthday oysters and porchetta

replies 471Apr 6, 2018 1:37 PM +00:00

r469 Squirrels.

replies 472Apr 6, 2018 2:11 PM +00:00
OP: I'm pretty sure my toilet seat is haunted. The things that hold the lid to the seat keep popping up on their own.

I bought the Kohler “quiet close”. The lid and seat are both on springs, so, when you lower either, they don’t slam down. They instead slowly close down. So, there’s no jarring noise. It’s especially good for men who have a partner who would otherwise be disturbed by the noise.

I like it so much, I installed one in my sister’s guest room.

replies 473Apr 6, 2018 4:36 PM +00:00

AAA will change a tire for you, if you have a membership. Also, watch them do it, for craps sake, for next time.

replies 474Apr 6, 2018 4:38 PM +00:00

R473: Your sister's guest room has a toilet in it?? Does she live in Appalachia?

replies 475Apr 7, 2018 3:33 PM +00:00

No, dum-dum. The bath is off the guest bedroom.

My sis has since sold that place and moved. She took the toilet seat with her.

The soft-closing K-78052 toilet seat includes Grip-Tight bumpers to help hold it in place and prevent shifting.
Kohler US
--Not a paid Kohler shill
replies 476Apr 7, 2018 3:47 PM +00:00

R475 where do you live that you never heard of an en suite?

replies 477Apr 7, 2018 4:09 PM +00:00

My electric company tells me I use less energy than similar neighbors. That’s satisfying, in a pointless way.

replies 478Apr 7, 2018 5:11 PM +00:00

R477 — But no one ever SAID it was en suite. All that was stated was "I installed one in my sister’s guest room"—not en suite, but GUEST ROOM.

Judging from some of the comments I've read on DL, having a toilet in one's guest room might be considered de rigueur in some less…fashionable…neighborhoods - , and I was curious to know if this might be the case here.

That said, perhaps having a toilet in the guest room itself would save extra steps in the middle of the night and be more convenient.

replies 479Apr 8, 2018 8:26 AM +00:00

My vacuum cleaner is lying in the mddle of living room beside a storage box containing Christmas cards and a pack of antihistamines. I should probably do something about that, but I’m going to wash the bathroom floor instead..

replies 480Apr 8, 2018 8:35 AM +00:00

It’s still way too cold. And I’m not telling you where I am.

replies 481Apr 8, 2018 9:17 AM +00:00

Pfil, r481.

replies 482Apr 8, 2018 11:39 AM +00:00

The snow has finally disappeared so I washed my car today. Then it started raining.

replies 483Apr 21, 2018 11:33 PM +00:00

I'm making nest ledges for Barn Swallows tonight. I hope they nest on my patio.

replies 484Apr 23, 2018 3:25 PM +00:00

Cut flowers do all right in my apartment, but hydrangeas expire within 12-24 hours.

--I am not Madonna
replies 485Apr 23, 2018 3:59 PM +00:00

R484 - your patio is in a barn?

--Go know.
replies 486Apr 24, 2018 3:06 AM +00:00

I have mislaid my keys.

But I have a spare set and am using those.

replies 487Apr 24, 2018 8:09 AM +00:00

For the first time in weeks I have absolutely nothing planned for today. It's kind of foggy out (SoCal coast) and I'm going to stay indoors all day in my PJs. There's a New York strip steak in the fridge that I'm going to have for lunch and I just made a bloody mary. Later on I might take a nap. I'll intersperse the action with a marathon of Judge Judy programs I've DVR'd over the past couple of weeks. If all this isn't underwhelming, I don't know what is.

--I'm so lazy today I probably won't even jack off
replies 488Apr 24, 2018 10:24 AM +00:00
I'm so lazy today I probably won't even jack off

Just in case you do:

Pics please.

replies 489Apr 25, 2018 2:38 AM +00:00

I really have to clean the inside of my car but it’s raining. I had to go somewhere and hand it over to a valet and I was mortified. It’s got all that winter dirt on the floor coverings and dust on the dashboard.

replies 490Apr 27, 2018 7:00 AM +00:00

Hydrangeas must be cut on a bias. When you get them from a store, cut them again when you get home, then stick the bottoms in powdered alum for about 1/4 to 1/2 inch. Alum is found in the spice section of supermarkets.

If you are cutting your own hydrangeas you have to take a bucket of water outside with you and immediately put the hydrangea stems in water. When you get into the house, recut stems on a bias, stick in alum, then put in water.

--I Have Too Many Nikko Blue Hydrangeas But My Landscaper Won’t Remove Them.
replies 491Apr 27, 2018 7:09 AM +00:00

r491 gives good whelm.

replies 492Apr 27, 2018 7:22 AM +00:00

Just made Marcella's Tomato Sauce #3, the newer version with 5 TB of butter instead of 8.

replies 493Apr 27, 2018 7:24 AM +00:00

Does anyone ever play Frisbee still?

replies 494May 2, 2018 9:56 PM +00:00

Still have not found my keys

replies 495May 2, 2018 10:18 PM +00:00

I’m trying to learn oracle bone script.
replies 496May 2, 2018 10:19 PM +00:00

You're whelming my last nerve r495.

--I don't like that in a man.
replies 497May 3, 2018 3:07 AM +00:00

I wish it were socially acceptable to go to a trampoline centre as an adult.

replies 498May 4, 2018 6:25 AM +00:00

No one has ever seen me cum and I was in a relationship for 16 years.

--I am 50
replies 499May 4, 2018 5:29 PM +00:00

I found my keys.

They were in the kitchen, not my bedroom.

replies 500May 4, 2018 9:59 PM +00:00

I can now breath a sigh of relief, r495/r500.

replies 501May 4, 2018 10:07 PM +00:00

Thank you, R501.

I did have a spare set, so it wasn't too overwhelming.

replies 502May 4, 2018 10:11 PM +00:00

Again, the Underwhelmed threads are non-interactive. This a rhetorical, non-sequiturial thread. This is your last warning.

replies 503May 4, 2018 10:15 PM +00:00
replies 504May 4, 2018 10:18 PM +00:00

R486, Barn Swallows don't nest exclusively in barns. Anyway, there are fewer barns in the US than there used to be, with developments and Big Ag.

They're grateful for a roof with fly-through space; so they're happy to make do with patio with a roof and a shelf like structure close to the patio ceiling.

So yeah, "go know".

replies 505May 6, 2018 8:54 AM +00:00

Increasingly, I've been getting chicken that is not very tender. A Costco rotisserie chicken with tough, rubbery meat. Trader Joe's chicken breast strips that felt like biting through a wad of rubber bands, chicken at a local Texas chain that didn't even feel like food. It's literally inedible.

I'm low carb, and I avoid red meat, but I can't remember ever getting so much bad chicken as in the last four months or so.

replies 506May 10, 2018 7:06 AM +00:00

One of "my" adult male Purple Martins was hit by a car this morning. I buried him with a handful of flowers, under a patch of Texas Frogfruit, below their Purple Martin apartment.

I don't know if his mate has laid eggs yet, but if he has, they're all but doomed as one bird can't raise a family by itself.

He flew all the way from the Brazilian rainforest and died in the street.

replies 507May 10, 2018 11:43 AM +00:00

She*, obviously!

replies 508May 10, 2018 11:45 AM +00:00

My mother used to call me “skinny malink melodeon bones.” It just popped into my head so I googled it and it turns out to be a song, but the line is actually, “skinny malink melodeon legs.”

replies 509May 10, 2018 1:07 PM +00:00

R506, do you have access to a Wegman’s?

Their rotisserie chickens are the moistest and best tasting I’ve had (of supermarket brands).

They only run about $5 or $6, which surprised me.

replies 510May 10, 2018 2:21 PM +00:00

The central utility closet in my condo smells like rancid grease.

I don’t know how I can go on.

replies 511May 10, 2018 2:22 PM +00:00

My Siberian Husky killed a rat in the garden, but fortunately didn't try to eat it or play with it. Good Husky!

replies 512May 10, 2018 2:24 PM +00:00
The central utility closet

WTF is a "central utility closet"?

replies 513May 10, 2018 2:25 PM +00:00

I should do laundry.

replies 514May 10, 2018 2:27 PM +00:00

The closet that has the AC and heat tank in it, r513.

replies 515May 10, 2018 2:29 PM +00:00

Have I told you about my bed-time bladder situation?

replies 516May 10, 2018 2:33 PM +00:00

^ I expressed about half a pint TWICE last night.

Around 2am and then again at 5.30am.

replies 517May 10, 2018 3:30 PM +00:00

You have an enlarged prostate

replies 518May 10, 2018 3:49 PM +00:00

underwhelm [transitive verb] : to fail to impress or stimulate

replies 519May 10, 2018 3:55 PM +00:00

I saw a lizard egg today while pulling weeds.

replies 520May 10, 2018 5:31 PM +00:00

Annette Benning looks like a nun.

replies 521May 10, 2018 7:05 PM +00:00

I have never liked or craved water.

Lately I have been drinking water with meals, rather than other beverages.

replies 522May 10, 2018 8:31 PM +00:00

I pulled a few weeds too. Halogeton glomeratus is a virulent pest, but at least they have shallow roots so they come up easily.

replies 523May 10, 2018 8:32 PM +00:00

My Asian boyfriend made me an Asian meal that was rather bland. I added a bit of soy sauce and sriracha to it, and he was annoyed, and thought I was being too excessive, but he always thinks that. Later, he was annoyed that the sink drainer fell into the sink and was passive aggressively blaming me for it. I'm usually the annoyed one, so it's weird when he does this.

I'm hiding from him and reading DL.

replies 524May 10, 2018 8:36 PM +00:00

I had a very dramatic and horrible month last month, so May is really all about underwhelming. 10 days in, and I'm doing great. Finished up a bunch of stuff at work, and have been doing lots of walking, enjoying the boredom for once.

replies 525May 10, 2018 8:39 PM +00:00

Soy sauce is always a good idea.
--Even in salads
replies 526May 10, 2018 8:47 PM +00:00
r524 Later, he was annoyed that the sink drainer fell into the sink and was passive aggressively blaming me for it.


replies 527May 10, 2018 9:00 PM +00:00

Notice you can’t skip ads in 4 seconds anymore.

replies 528May 14, 2018 6:33 PM +00:00

When I sit still, I fall asleep.

--[wow, r527 *still* doesn't get how to do this thread right]
replies 529May 14, 2018 6:37 PM +00:00

I realized today that banks do not rent SAFETY deposit boxes, but SAFE deposit boxes.

replies 530May 14, 2018 6:52 PM +00:00

I played Soda Crush for hours and ate Cheerios for dinner tonight.

replies 531May 14, 2018 6:55 PM +00:00

I had chowmein for lunch.
replies 532May 14, 2018 10:15 PM +00:00

I'm skylinephobic.

replies 533May 15, 2018 8:39 PM +00:00

-R532- Tell us what your breath and your farts smelled like after sucking down all that spicy GOOP!

replies 534May 16, 2018 12:19 PM +00:00

I'm trying to go low carb after reading yet another desperate, quick weight-loss thread on DL.

I had a banana for breakfast and I had a few Rold Gold Tiny Twists pretzels this afternoon, but I don't think I totally blew it. But I'm not going to post this confession on that thread.

replies 535May 16, 2018 1:47 PM +00:00

Just got back from Washington DC. Wanted to see the Sally Mann exhibit, which was heavy but good and made me a bit weepy. The Degas portraits were meh. Ate lunch at the Sculpture Garden cafe (roast beef with horseradish sauce and a green salad) and people watched. Lovely day. Washington's a great town to be a tourist.

replies 536May 16, 2018 2:03 PM +00:00

Just ordered a case of San Pellegrino.

replies 537May 16, 2018 3:42 PM +00:00
Washington's a great town to be a tourist.

As long as you let people pass on the left on Metro escalators.

replies 538May 16, 2018 3:43 PM +00:00
Ate lunch at the Sculpture Garden cafe (roast beef with horseradish sauce and a green salad) and people watched. Lovely day.

People watched you eat roast beef?

--Was it the horseradish sauce?
replies 539May 17, 2018 3:31 AM +00:00

As I headed into my car today, I realized I didn't have a quarter for the Aldi cart. I hurried back inside and grabbed two quarters from a fairly large change dish and jumped into the car.

I got to Aldi and realized I had actually had not quarters, but an English fifty-pence coin and an Indian rupee. The only non-American coins in a dish filled with about a hundred dollars worth of American coins.

replies 540May 17, 2018 6:11 AM +00:00

The Indian rupee unlocked the cart!

--Reporting live from Aldi
replies 541May 17, 2018 6:14 AM +00:00

The door on my less than one year old fridge creaks. It's this trumpety, farty sounding sort of creak. It's very annoying. I oiled the hinge that's causing it with some 3-N-1 household but it didn't work. I AM NOT ABOUT TO RUN OUT TO BUY SILICONE LUBRICANT AND REMOVE THE DAMNED DOOR JUST TO SQUEEZE SOME UP INTO THE GD HINGE.

replies 542May 17, 2018 9:00 PM +00:00

Someone's banging something.

replies 543May 18, 2018 8:53 AM +00:00
Someone's banging something.

Pics please.

replies 544May 18, 2018 10:16 AM +00:00

There are a total of sixteen Purple Martin eggs in the Purple Martin apartment. Two couples have five and one couple has six.

replies 545May 19, 2018 6:29 AM +00:00

R542, just spray it with some Pam.

replies 546May 19, 2018 6:29 AM +00:00

I was using self checkout in target and I happened to look up and see my reflection in the security mirror. It took my last bit of energy to not burst out crying at the pale, fat faced monster looking back at me.

replies 547May 19, 2018 7:04 PM +00:00

Now now, dear. I'm sure you were perfectly lovely.

No one looks good under those florescent lights!!

replies 548May 19, 2018 9:07 PM +00:00

I'm going to have a wank.

replies 549May 19, 2018 9:28 PM +00:00

Woke up early. Not so early I'm going to whine about how I woke up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep, but early enough that I don't want to make coffee yet.

replies 550May 20, 2018 12:47 AM +00:00

Just finished a big bowl of beef and broccoli for 6am meal. Some call it breakfast.

replies 551May 20, 2018 2:24 AM +00:00

Finally made, and drank, coffee.

replies 552May 20, 2018 2:26 AM +00:00

Don't push it, R550. Slow and steady wins the race...

replies 553May 21, 2018 4:22 PM +00:00

I just put an acrylic sweater in the dryer on HIGH with a bunch of other clothes.

If I remember to take it out in 15 mins. while still damp, it will be fine.

replies 554May 21, 2018 4:24 PM +00:00

The first iris bloomed today. 21 May.

replies 555May 21, 2018 4:36 PM +00:00

We never had that week at the end of April when the dandelions and violets appear together on some lawns.

replies 556May 21, 2018 4:37 PM +00:00

I'm boiling pasta, ziti.

replies 557May 21, 2018 4:38 PM +00:00

I hope it is GOOD ziti

replies 558May 21, 2018 4:43 PM +00:00

You've got your spider out, don't you, R557?

replies 559May 21, 2018 4:46 PM +00:00

Target security mirrors at self checkout could be used at Gitmo as torture devices they distort faces so much.

replies 560May 22, 2018 7:44 AM +00:00

I’m still struggling with Classical Chinese, but I shall not be defeated.
replies 561May 22, 2018 6:25 PM +00:00

I realized the other day a pack of matches has 20 in it.

There are 20 cigarettes to a pack.

They are designed as a matching set.

replies 562May 22, 2018 8:53 PM +00:00

I’m still sore after a “procedure” on Monday.

replies 563May 22, 2018 8:54 PM +00:00

I can’t stop sneezing

replies 564May 23, 2018 6:21 AM +00:00

Had lovely ziti! I extracted it from the boil with tongs!

replies 565May 23, 2018 8:17 AM +00:00

My dresser drawer began sticking, a virtual trial by fire.

Just now I gathered a hammer, some little nails...and emptied and removed it.

A few nails along the back and the drawer is closing smoothly again.

replies 566May 23, 2018 10:36 AM +00:00

Just changed my oil and put in windshield wiper fluid. I threw away some receipts that were on the floor of the backseat. It's muggy.

replies 567May 25, 2018 10:24 AM +00:00

Yesterday at my job, I was stalked in the parking lot by a deranged nurse. Chick was fucked up.

replies 568May 25, 2018 10:33 AM +00:00

I rented a dumpster for the first time in my life.

replies 569May 26, 2018 9:08 AM +00:00

I like in Paper Moon when Addie says "I think I'll go polish muh shooze."

replies 570May 26, 2018 9:18 AM +00:00

My stepsister just announced her engagement. Great for her, but my brother is also engaged. Now I'll have to go to two wedding a 10 hour flight away quite close together.

replies 571May 26, 2018 10:19 PM +00:00

I'm gonna jerk off and change the cat litter, in that order.

replies 572May 28, 2018 4:40 PM +00:00

I just found out that Tom Ford has a parfum called ‘Fucking Fabulous’.
--I know I’m late
replies 573May 29, 2018 1:05 AM +00:00

I was attacked by a black bird while I was walking into the building where I work this morning.

A decidedly whelming moment.

-- I am sorry.
replies 574May 29, 2018 3:09 AM +00:00

I'm on the east coast waiting or the sun to shine through overcast.

replies 575May 29, 2018 3:19 AM +00:00

Cornelia Frances has died. For those of us who grew up watching old-school Home and Away, this is the first of twelve official days of mourning.

“So disrespectful - England ‘star’ Raheem Sterling is pictured laughing and joking just hours after it was announced Morag from ‘Home & Away’ had died ????”
replies 576May 29, 2018 11:32 AM +00:00

I was a stutterer, but I carry no shame.

replies 577May 29, 2018 12:05 PM +00:00

I was going to plant shrubbery, but it just too hot.

replies 578May 29, 2018 12:12 PM +00:00

I gave in to temptation today and ordered a BLT at a diner (but no fries). It was terrible. Bacon had been lying around for hours. Now i’ll Have to try again.

replies 579May 29, 2018 12:17 PM +00:00

Concerned about a weird "pain" in my side that's not really a pain but there's something not quite right so to cope I took a Mexican Valium.

replies 580May 29, 2018 12:18 PM +00:00

i just an entire bag of Reece's white chocolate peanut butter cups.

replies 581May 29, 2018 2:27 PM +00:00

Fifteen baby Purple Martins today. It's very hot in Texas. I hope they all make it.

replies 582May 30, 2018 4:51 AM +00:00
Fifteen baby Purple Martins today.

Wow, you eat a lot.

--10 is sufficient.
replies 583May 30, 2018 6:29 AM +00:00

I wish threads ended at 400. After 400 posts my phone crashes.

replies 584May 31, 2018 6:21 PM +00:00

Aldi sold me a shiopping cart for 25¢.

replies 585Jun 1, 2018 8:31 PM +00:00

My air conditioner is out of the juice that makes the air cold.

replies 586Jun 1, 2018 8:41 PM +00:00

I want to masturbate but I'm waiting for the air conditioner repairman. I know they'll show up just as I'm starting and I'd hate to have to stop.

--No-I won't continue while they're here.
replies 587Jun 4, 2018 10:19 AM +00:00
Fifteen baby Purple Martins today.

Did he really leap over that many fire hydrants?!?

--Blanche Devereaux
replies 588Jun 4, 2018 10:33 AM +00:00

I wish European shoe sizes were more accurate. I ordered a Euro 45 and they are too big even though it matches my shoe size on all the charts.

replies 589Jun 4, 2018 11:47 AM +00:00

I caught the flu bug a few days ago and I've been on NyQuil. I dunno what's up with this NyQuil but it's given me explosive diarrhea - I've lost a few pounds from it all.

replies 590Jun 4, 2018 12:16 PM +00:00

I signed up for basic digital NYT subscription during a promo last year. The promo ended and the price doubled. I contacted them and very sadly and politely told them I was going to have to cancel my subscription and they gave me back the half price rate.

replies 591Jun 5, 2018 6:21 AM +00:00

Went to Costco for lunch. Pizza. Food samples were disappointing (cheese and crackers and almond flour crackers). Stopped at Marshall's on the way home and bought some new earbuds.

Now I'm in bed with the laptops (computer and pug) and will probably nap in a bit.

replies 592Jun 5, 2018 7:53 AM +00:00

I have to go dig some holes. Wish me luck.

replies 593Jun 5, 2018 8:19 AM +00:00

I didn't have to work last night. I'm currently fucked up and surfing DL, catching up on things. I've missed DL's wit and wisdom.

--Anonymous in Kansas City
replies 594Jun 7, 2018 6:32 AM +00:00

Just too tired to dress and go to a Belmont party at four.

replies 595Jun 9, 2018 5:58 AM +00:00

I just ate macaroni salad for breakfast and it was delightful.

replies 596Jun 9, 2018 6:04 AM +00:00

After I get up in the morning I have to wait until I sneeze for an hour before getting anything done.

--Late spring/Early Summer
replies 597Jun 9, 2018 6:30 AM +00:00

I made a strawberry pie and decided to add an extra graham cracker to the crust recipe and then added a little extra butter and sugar, too. For some reason, it completely changed the texture of the crust and it became too hard when baked.

It still tastes good, but it's too hard.

replies 598Jun 9, 2018 6:51 AM +00:00

Take your pie back to bed with you.

The day is ruined : (

replies 599Jun 9, 2018 7:30 AM +00:00

The Purple Martins are staying strong; lost one runt, may lose another one in a different nest. Temps in the mid-90s for the next ten days so they should be alright.

replies 600Jun 9, 2018 7:43 AM +00:00