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How Do You Handle People Who Ignore You and Refuse To Speak To You.

They don't want to be around you, they ignore you, they refuse to speak to you, and they want nothing to do with you. Plus they chat with others, acting like you are not even in the same room. How do you deal with people like that?

by Anonymousreply 23105/24/2015

Is it family or friends and how old is this person?

by Anonymousreply 1210/30/2010


by Anonymousreply 1510/30/2010

What did you do, OP?

by Anonymousreply 1610/30/2010

Write him a letter.

by Anonymousreply 2010/30/2010

Right now what I see is that you are enabling him. You are empowering him by letting him get to you. If the abuse is physical, press charges. If it's just that he ignores you, let him. Who cares what he does, continue on out merry way and do not talk to him or acknowledge him in any way. he is invisible. Now go live your life. If you can't do that, get help coz 30 is too old for this nonsense to get to you.

by Anonymousreply 2110/30/2010

He would 'return to sender' unopened

by Anonymousreply 2310/30/2010

Seriously op, he's got the problem. I wouldn't be surprised if it's causing him more agony than it is you. If you've tried to talk to him about it, then there isn't much else you can do. Simply ignore him as well. And stop letting him have power over you like this.

by Anonymousreply 2410/30/2010

Throw out a Victorian cut. %0D %0D In theory you need only do it two or three times for the intended effect: the first time might be mistaken as somehow unintentional; the second time could be seen --by the overly polite or overly dense-- as a continued lapse of the cutter's good senses; but the third time the meaning is beyond mistaking for anything other than "You are dead to me."%0D %0D But for those who refuse to play by the rules and want to cozy up to their tormentors, there's probably little hope for this course.

by Anonymousreply 2510/30/2010

R21 It has never been physical, just emotional abuse. I've had YEARS of therapy over this and I'm in a much better place.

I've learned just to have a protective shield around me, and just ping all of the slights, dirty looks and hurt feelings right off my invisible sheild.

Just wanted to hear what other would advise.

by Anonymousreply 2710/30/2010

OP, you must have some inkling of what his issue is with you. No one can advise you in any meaningful way unless you fess up.

by Anonymousreply 2810/30/2010

op did not necessarily do something to deserve this treatment, r26. Believe it or not, some people are just assholes and are cruel.

by Anonymousreply 2910/30/2010

R28 & R26 I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. This what I hate, when people blame the victim.

It has gone from being picked on by my older brother to this. Over a 30 year period.

by Anonymousreply 3010/30/2010

Perhaps you just need to skip family dinners and make your own family and holidays. Nothing is ever going to change there.

by Anonymousreply 3110/30/2010

If he was emotionally abusive to you, then not speaking and cutting off the relationship is probably for the best. Why would you want him in your life? Just ignore him back and live your life.

by Anonymousreply 3310/30/2010

[quote]You did something and you're not telling us what it is.%0D %0D What's wrong with good ol' homophobia? All OP could have done was to be gay.%0D %0D And that's my bet. Judging from some of the grammar I saw in his/her earlier posts (unless they're just typos), it is very possible OP is from other lands, perhaps less tolerant ones. %0D %0D OP feel free to let me know how wrong I am. But for now, that's my theory.

by Anonymousreply 3410/30/2010

Why would you even want to have a relationship with your brother? It sounds like you are better off without him in your life. Just think that next time you are in the same room with him. Good fucking riddance... and walk right by him.

by Anonymousreply 3510/30/2010

Maybe during one of these get togethers you should just wait for a pause in conversation, stand up, lean across the table, look at him and say "What the fuck is your problem! I'm tired of your nastiness and your undeserved shit treatment of me." And go on and on. Then look at the rest of them and call them out on their refusal to acknowledge his behavior and to tell him he better knock it off or not to show up at family events if he can't act like a human being.

by Anonymousreply 3610/30/2010

R34 You are wrong, and yes those are just typos from typing too fast.

by Anonymousreply 3710/30/2010

R36 My family would then berate me for 'picking' on my brother and making him the victim of my pettiness.

Seriously the only thing that bothers me is the tension in the room when we are in the same room together, and they way he talks to others like I'm not even in the same room.

by Anonymousreply 3910/30/2010

R38 If I did that, then it would justify (in his mind) that he is right to treat me this way.

by Anonymousreply 4010/30/2010

Just ignore them.

Then one day, and it could be months or years, you will hear that they have lost a partner or parent or been struck by a tragedy of some sort.

If they die, well, that's that.

But if they survive, write a very kind note expressing your sympathy. Note that while you have never gotten along, you are truly sorry for his loss.

Make the note as genuine as possible.

It's a karmic win.

by Anonymousreply 4210/30/2010

I'm going to have dinner now, I'll check some of these responses later and try to respond. Thanks everyone!

by Anonymousreply 4310/30/2010

How can you "not avoid" these gatherings? Unless you live involuntarily in the home of the person who has them, you can avoid them.%0D %0D OP, if you're on the level, what you're really asking is how you can force your brother to stop his behavior and force your family to stop enabling him.%0D %0D You can't do either. Your family has assigned you the vicitm role and are all too chickenshit to admit it. You have accepted the victim role and will continue to play it until you draw the line. %0D %0D No contact, no explanations. Cut them off. It's not like they don't know what the problem is. Accept that you will never have the cathartic scene of vindication that you want. There is no way to change other people's behavior.%0D %0D You don't have to be a chickenshit, too. End it.

by Anonymousreply 4410/30/2010

That's bullshit OP. They are NOT your family just because you are related by blood. Make your own family of loving, caring people. Those people who enable him are NOT your family. Don't go to the next gathering. Don't reply to letters. Don't take their phone calls. Set your e-mail so anything from them goes into "Deleted Items" before you even see it. %0D %0D What good does years of therapy do if you're willing to walk into that den of jackasses who enable your brother to do this?

by Anonymousreply 4510/30/2010

Do you still love him OP?

by Anonymousreply 4610/30/2010

You know op, it sounds like you may have a little of the same dynamic in your family that I have in mine. There are certain people who for some reason are allowed to get away with being rude and such. But if you confront them on it, somehow you're the one being nasty. Actually, I find this strange phenomenon happens outside my family, too.

by Anonymousreply 4710/30/2010

I'm not a "speaker". I always ignore people until they speak to me first. If they don't speak first, then they shall be ignored for the entire evening.

by Anonymousreply 4810/30/2010

There has to be some reason, some issue, as to why your brother treats you like this and your family goes along with it. Even if it's a stupid reason, there has to be a reason.

by Anonymousreply 4910/30/2010

If it bothers you so much, you need to say something. Do it in front of your entire family--if they know he is wrong it shouldn't be an issue, and if they stand up for him--fuck them.%0D %0D Say "hi" in an over the top friendly way to him, in front of everyone. Let him ignore you. Try to start a conversation with him again in front of everyone, and when he ignores you say something like, "obviously you have some problem with me, otherwise you wouldn't behave like a sulking child. If you refuse to discuss it with me like an adult, you can at least be civil to me so that you don't continue to hijack family events with your immature behavior."

by Anonymousreply 5010/30/2010

I've had racists do this to me before. It's a horrible feeling. Some assholes feel they're so entitled...

by Anonymousreply 5110/30/2010

OP, you need to end this. I am fucking serious. I've had a similar situation with a family member who is abusive. I put up with the verbal harrassment and bullying for DECADES. I have finally come to that I am 52(!) that I simply cannot be around them. %0D %0D There are family gatherings half dozen times every year when we're thrown together.%0D Fortunately they live out of state. But when they do come in, it's for months at a time. %0D %0D Everyone else seems to accept this behavior from them, and just acts as if everything's fine. I'm always told to "rise above it," "Don't let him upset you!"or "that's just Joe. He doesn't mean anything!" %0D %0D I can't be around them anymore. So I'm not. I visit at other times when he isn't around. Yes, I miss it . But I also realize that what I'm missing is an illusion. The reality was quite different We idealize things when we are away from them. The reality is very hurtful. I do not deserve this. I need to see about ME. %0D %0D Christmas, Thanksgiving weekend, Mother's Day, Father's day, etc. I will absolutely not be around this person ever again. If I run into them by accident I always am polite. I say hello, how are you, and keep right on moving. Then exit ASAP!. I have had to rebuild, but it is worth it. Honestly.

by Anonymousreply 5210/30/2010

I'm sure I'm missing something r52. Half a dozen events a year, and when they come in it's for months at a time? When do they find time to, say, work or live at home?

by Anonymousreply 5410/30/2010

This thread has struck a chord. 50 posts in approx 1 hour.

by Anonymousreply 5510/30/2010

[quote]50 posts in approx 1 hour.%0D %0D And we're not even discussing Anderson (Closet Case) Cooper and his gold-digging bf. %0D

by Anonymousreply 5610/30/2010

OP, you and your brother fooled around when you were kids, didn't you?

by Anonymousreply 5710/30/2010

r57, I'll put money on it!

by Anonymousreply 5810/30/2010

He's retired now. He's 59.So basically he comes in during the cold weather months and stays at my mother's! He is her nephew. He is not wealthy, but he ain't broke. He's very comfortable. He could travel or go anywhere. But he doesn't. He is divorced with grown children, but they hardly ever come around here. They visit him in the Summer. I live in Naples,FLA.

by Anonymousreply 5910/30/2010

OP, you're asking your family to choose between you and your brother. They know he isn't going to change, so they ignore his misbehavior and hope you'll do the same so that they can have the pleasure of your company as well.

Aside from one of your parents stepping up to the plate and telling him to be civil at the very least, that's how it's going to be. You either stay away and allow him to keep you from your family, or you take a prozac and try to enjoy yourself.

by Anonymousreply 6010/30/2010

Ask Carolyn Hax, OP.

by Anonymousreply 6110/30/2010

[quote]he comes in during the cold weather months and stays at my mother's! He is her nephew%0D %0D Your mother's nephew is also your brother?

by Anonymousreply 6210/30/2010

[quote]I agree [R31]. But it is my family and at times there are festivities I cannot avoid.%0D %0D Bullshit. Double bullshit. You have a choice whether you will let them continue to treat you like shit. Stop hanging around with them. Period. It's that simple. Shielding up, steeling yourself, putting yourself through this crap is absolutely your choice. %0D %0D Either dump the family or quit whining and continue to eat shit. Let them know you've had enough and you won't be around anymore, and make sure they know why. Then stop talking. Stop emailing. Stop calling or taking calls.%0D %0D This isn't rocket science. This isn't some mystery.

by Anonymousreply 6310/30/2010

r62, I think the person you are quoting is not OP, but rather r54 answering to the puzzled r59 (who was, in fact, me).%0D %0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 6410/30/2010

Oops let's do that again. %0D %0D To r62, %0D %0D r59 is not OP, but rather r52 answering r54's inquiry

by Anonymousreply 6510/30/2010

Thanks for explaining that, 64/65

by Anonymousreply 6610/30/2010

Grow a pair of balls and tell your other family members very clearly and firmly that you have had enough, and that you will no longer go to reunions or anywhere near this man if you continue to be treated this way and they allow it. If they do nothing, do not go and tell them you will only see them separately from now on.

Cold politeness is one thing; actually pretending you're a non-person is quite another. It's dehumanizing and abusive treatment. I

f they allow him to get away with this then they are enabling him, and unless you draw a line in the sand now then YOU are enabling him in his cruel humiliation of you in front of them.

by Anonymousreply 6710/30/2010

r60 is the biggest fucking doormat and enabler in the universe.

by Anonymousreply 6810/30/2010

R67 I've tried repeatedly over the years and offered ultimatums. The bottom line is that the whole family is in denial about the abuse. If it is not physical, there no abuse, in their minds.

Honestly there is nothing I can do to change my brothers behavior or my family's attitude about the situation.

If I were to ask them to make a choice, they would choose my brother. Plain and simple.

If I were to dump my family, they would see it as I were walking away with no good reason.

All I can do is what R67 said. Go see my family separately from now on.

Either way I can't win.

by Anonymousreply 6910/30/2010

R52 Has the best advice and I'm going to take it.

by Anonymousreply 7010/30/2010

[quote]All I can do is what R67 said. Go see my family separately from now on.%0D %0D No, if you didn't revel in being put upon, you could speak up (as R50 and others suggested.)%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 7110/30/2010

I live in Naples, too, R59/OP. As a fellow Neapolitan, I'm telling you to draw the line.%0D %0D Meet me at the Cove Inn Coffee Shop tomorrow and we'll talk.

by Anonymousreply 7210/30/2010

I've tried that and all I get is exactly what R50 had said

"rise above it," "Don't let him upset you!"or "that's just Joe. He doesn't mean anything!"

by Anonymousreply 7310/30/2010

I'm going to bed, hopefully there will be other people who have been in a situation like I'm in who can share their stories.

by Anonymousreply 7410/30/2010

OP, why won't your brother speak to you? How did it start?

by Anonymousreply 7510/31/2010

Oops! OP is not R59! What the hell, I'll buy you both breakfast.

by Anonymousreply 7610/31/2010

You're a doormat, OP, and you revel in it, apparently.

by Anonymousreply 7710/31/2010

[quote]Either way I can't win.%0D %0D The only way to win this game is not to play.%0D %0D [quote]I'm going to bed, hopefully there will be other people who have been in a situation like I'm in who can share their stories.%0D %0D Good lord. No wonder they won't talk to you. You don't hear a word.

by Anonymousreply 7810/31/2010

Why the fuck do you need my story, OP? I already said they are NOT YOUR FAMILY. They're only your blood relatives. A family would care about your feelings and would not enable your ass of a brother to mistreat you. They are NOT YOUR FAMILY.

by Anonymousreply 7910/31/2010

"Good lord. No wonder they won't talk to you. You don't hear a word."

I second this.

by Anonymousreply 8110/31/2010

OP, you have to know whether it has something to do with whether your gay or not.

Are you gay? And if so, are you out?

Are they anti-gay?

Is your brother, in particular, homophobic?

Maybe your brother's gay and you remind him of that fact.

by Anonymousreply 8210/31/2010

Come to agree with R81, R77, etc.%0D %0D In fact, I'm going to pretend OP isn't even in the room.

by Anonymousreply 8310/31/2010

OP=Ignatius J. Reilly

by Anonymousreply 8410/31/2010

OP, sorry about this. %0D %0D You have sort of already figured out what to do. You need to relieve yourself of this burden. Since you're not the king no one will be offing your brother for you.%0D %0D If there are family functions you want to attend. Perhaps you do want to see your mom on Christmas then just ignore your brother. He doesn't exist. Don't talk to him, don't be near him, don't pass him the potatoes, nothing, zilch. I doubt anyone will say anything because despite what they are telling you - THEY KNOW. %0D %0D If anyone dares say anything to you then you just ignore them or just repeat: You can't be serious. And walk away.%0D %0D You have given your brother power over you to make you miserable and he must get satisfaction out of it or this wouldn't be going on. Stop empowering him. He is dead to you unless and until he treats you decently.%0D %0D And that advice about offering condolences if they lose someone - forget that bullshit. People who dole out this kind of abuse do not get the time of day from you let alone notes of solace. Make sure he is not the executor of your parents' estate if so be prepared to hire a lawyer from day one or talk your parents into a neutral executor. %0D %0D I guess all this anxiety is ramping up now that the holidays are coming.%0D %0D I have wonderful memories of childhood holidays. That's enough to last me. I'm an adult and I don't need to invest emotional energy into stupid holidays anymore. I prefer quiet ones now without families since most of my immediate family is dead anyway. My holidays are spent at home. Peacefully, lovingly and doing what I want.%0D %0D Happy Halloween Happy Thanksgiving Happy Hannuka Merry Christmas Happy New Year

by Anonymousreply 8510/31/2010

Does getting rid of diamonds represent some sort of sacrifice to the gods, R25?

by Anonymousreply 8610/31/2010

OP, I lived with a situation that was similar to yours. I have a sister who has always been deliberately vicious to all of the siblings. Before anyone starts that shit about what did we do to cause her to act that way, none of us did a damn thing to bring it on. Our sister was terrible to us when she was a child and we all despise her. Our mother always enabled her and took her side against the rest of us. She was very much like our mother and I suppose that's why she was favored.

I was one of six children. Four of us left that part of the country, and three of us had made ourselves unavailable before we moved. We had our own holidays and celebrations away from the family. One brother stayed, but he's about 50 miles away and wants nothing to do with my sister.

My mother died early this year and I have been told my sister is miserable. Her husband barely tolerates her and her children are too busy for her. None of her siblings want anything to do with her. She has no friends, no social life and does not work. She has burned all of her bridges.

I would never wish this kind of unhappiness on anyone, but it's hard to feel any sympathy for her.

The way I see it, OP, you have three choices: (1) You can let things continue on with no change; (2) You can either confront your brother or become more accomplished at ignoring him; or (3) You can absent yourself and refuse to participate. I strongly suggest #3 because I doubt there's a workable solution.

If you choose the third option, I would suggest you do so without fanfare. Do not issue ultimatums because they always backfire. Making a big stink will only make things worse and set you up to be scapegoated. If you decide not to be available, do as others here have suggested. Do so quietly without saying anything. Don't respond to calls or emails. Just let it drop. That's far more effective than saying or doing anything, because anything you do or say will be perceived as trying to make your family take sides.

There are a lot of wonderful people in the world. Find them, build a chosen family with them, and spend your time with them rather than being miserable within your dysfunctional family.

Best wishes to you.

by Anonymousreply 8710/31/2010

Personally OP, I wouldn't walk away, running away might not resolve your issue. I mean other posters are right you need to prepare cut contact with your family or at least distance yourself from them. But I feel it's hard for you to emotionally dissociate yourself , because if you could you would have by now and that might not necessarily leave you with closure. It could be about more than just avoiding family gatherings.

It seems you need closure and you can't get beyond the situation without it. I think you need to talk to your parents, and be 100% honest and blunt, tell then how much they have hurt you and the pain the situation has caused you, don't let them be flippant or obtuse, they know what is going on and so do you, so don't allow them to run around the issue. Lay it on thick and be prepared to get back information you don't want to hear.

Are you gay? Do they know you are gay, is your homosexuality the root cause? Do feel less that your brother, do your parents think your brother's inexcusable behaviour is justified because you are gay? Ask them and like I said be prepared to hear things that will hurt like a fucker. It might have nothing to do with your sexuality, but there is a root cause.

Even if being gay is not their issue it might be yours. Own your part in it, why do you allow it to happen, are you afraid to truly confront your family because deep down you have an idea of what you'll hear. Are you allowing it to happen because you too feel it's justified that you get it, you understand it all and have placed the responsibility on your shoulders for being gay or bi?

Tell your parents they owe you truth, they owe you an answer, then decide if you need to walk away, then decide how to move on. In a way your brother is meaningless in all this, this is an issue first of all that is about you yourself and secondly about you and your relationship with your parents and family.

If you don't get an answer, then you have no other option but to walk away, they do know it's happening and make sure to tell them you know they are aware of it and you're sad and hurt how they decided to treat you and the issue and they have left you with no choice but to cut ties with them. Then close the door behind you and live your life. You sound like a great sweet person OP, you do deserve better than this, a lot better and it's up to you to get to the point where you believe you deserve better and strive for better regardless of the consequences.

Good luck OP.

by Anonymousreply 8810/31/2010

Thanks R85, R87 & R88

by Anonymousreply 8910/31/2010

R88, I would agree with you, except that I have seen many families who continually enable the family bully.

It's possible that's what's going on here, and that this situation has nothing to do with OP's sexual orientation.

by Anonymousreply 9010/31/2010

1) Take a karaoke machine to the next family gathering %0D %0D 2) Sing "I Will Survive" looking directly at him %0D %0D 3) If you can't do it in full drag at least wear a big ass wig %0D %0D 4) Exit the house immediately after finishing your performance

by Anonymousreply 9110/31/2010

I want someone to tell me how OP's brother can be his mother's nephew... Please explain someone or OP before I can advise.

by Anonymousreply 9210/31/2010

Mama tickles them.

(and giggles while she does it).

by Anonymousreply 9310/31/2010

[quote]I want someone to tell me how OP's brother can be his mother's nephew...%0D %0D See r65

by Anonymousreply 9410/31/2010

I usually talk ABOUT them when they are around. Small stuff like 'I like when people keep wearing old shoes;thrifty people like Aunt Crabby really got it going on' of course when Aunt Crabby is walking by wearing whatever shoes she has.

It sends the message that she may be ignoring you but you cannot ignore everyone and that you really don't care if they hear you talk about them.

It's like talking behind their back right in front of them.

by Anonymousreply 9510/31/2010

We were raised together. Long story. He's really my cousin, but treated like a brother.

by Anonymousreply 9610/31/2010

Only way this makes sense is OP comes from money, and cutting off his family to save his sanity and self-respect means OP gets cut out of the estate. If that is the case, then own it, OP, and admit you're in it for the money. We won't think less of you.%0D %0D %0D If they don't have wealth, what on earth are they giving you that makes debasing yourself worth all this agony? 'Cuz it sure ain't love, respect, and fun times they're doling out to you.%0D %0D OP, are they super-nice to you when your brother isn't around? Is that why you put up with their nonsupport?

by Anonymousreply 9710/31/2010

I don't know anyone who acts like that towards me, OP. At least not since high school. I would probably just ignore them right back and move on with my life.

by Anonymousreply 9810/31/2010

If you feel the need to go to the same family gatherings I suggest you treat him the same way. Ignore him. And if you're in a group conversation when he starts talking talk right over him. Every time. Without fail.

by Anonymousreply 9910/31/2010

Sounds to me like your entire family is a bunch of bullies. Your brother gets a great payoff every time he sees you because he is allowed to treat you like dirt and your family indirectly backs him up because they do not jump to your defense. Based on your previous actions in trying to smooth things over with him, he knows his behavior bothers you and affects your life. I picture him smiling to himself after every one of these gatherings. %0D %0D Keeping your distance from all of them is probably best, if you are willing to do that. It was a choice between you and your brother and your family have made their selection very clear. %0D %0D If you do not want to cut them off completely, the only thing you can do is keep him from getting any "payoff" from his actions. Your posts suggest that your family treats you well enough otherwise and seem welcoming to you at family get-togethers. So --- have a GREAT time at each holiday or family gathering and enjoy yourself without even acknowledging he is in attendance. (Chew a handful of nails before arriving if that will help.) To paraphrase, "socializing" well is the best revenge.

by Anonymousreply 10010/31/2010

Somehow I just can't imagine John Wayne having this problem.

by Anonymousreply 10110/31/2010

I can, Clint. Wayne only bullied women, as far as I've ever heard. OP's brother/cousin would probably be safe around him.

by Anonymousreply 10210/31/2010

I like R22's advice. It's funny, yet seems like it'd be extremely effective on several levels.

by Anonymousreply 10310/31/2010

God, R95--that got me giggling.

by Anonymousreply 10410/31/2010

Thanks R100 To alot of you, this is not that black and white. If I were to cut off my family, they would not understand and accuse me of turning my back on my family. I've spent YEARS trying to make my family understand to no avail.

I think some of the advice has been good like R100. I just have to keep my distance and keep my interactions with my brother minimal.

by Anonymousreply 10510/31/2010

OP, I'm not suggesting you cut these people off completely even tho they certainly deserve it. I'm suggesting you change your relationship with them. %0D %0D See them around the holidays,or special occasions, go visit your mother, etc. just don't do it when your brother's there. Period. Tell your mother why. Be very firm.%0D %0D I mean, is there a law that says you can't stop by on your own, and visit an aunt or a cousin to congratulate them on a birthday, or a graduation or whatever? Do you ever invite family members to lunch or dinner or an outing one on one? %0D %0D What kind of individual relationships do you have with these people? OR: Are you the "problem" that shows up at big gatherings, because they don't have the guts to say,"we're not inviting you." Does your brother have stronger ties to them? Or do you just think he does.%0D %0D Because honestly, I think you are in a rut with this "poor me" bullshit. You need to grow a pair, and get in your mother's face, maturely, firmly and just say, "You will not do anything about this, so I am." %0D %0D I think there is a part of you that's accepted and is used to this. You are acting out your own role in a family drama repeatedly. It will never stop until someone does something about it. It looks like no one else gives a fuck, so you need to see about yourself.%0D %0D My guess? They want to keep things "nice" and "keep the family together" so they put up with it as long as he ignores you, and doesn't actually say anything insulting. %0D %0D As long as there are no messy confrontations everyone can play "Let's pretend." If you happen to be there when he is there, ignore him and converse loudly with other people. You isolate him! What will they do, ignore you too?%0D My point being, don't come here and whine about it, DO something.

by Anonymousreply 10610/31/2010

[quote]If I were to cut off my family, they would not understand and accuse me of turning my back on my family. I've spent YEARS trying to make my family understand to no avail. I guess I don't know why you care whether they understand, OP. By the time I decided to walk away from my family, I had given up caring what they thought. One of the nice things about making a clean break is that I never heard what they said afterward. If you still care about what they think, you're not ready.

by Anonymousreply 10710/31/2010

OP = my mother finally found datalounge

by Anonymousreply 10810/31/2010

Some people are so toxic you have to walk away from them. Just don't walk away from your family members who are sane.

by Anonymousreply 10910/31/2010

Is anyone else totally fascinated that this thread is such a hit?

by Anonymousreply 11010/31/2010

I don't think OP wants a solution. He seems to be looking for someone who can tell him how to force his brother to change and to get his family to take sides against his brother.

by Anonymousreply 11110/31/2010

OP, I think you set up every situation in your head so that you come out the victim - this is how you rationalise your failure to act.%0D %0D Stop acting like you know how your family will react - it sounds like you probably don't know them at all. Just take action and accept the consequences. You don't have to script it all out in your head so you lose every time. Just do it.

by Anonymousreply 11210/31/2010

I'm guilty of doing that. OP you must have done something. Figure it out, or move on.

by Anonymousreply 11310/31/2010

As I have said before in previous posts, I agree with what some of you are saying. And I will take your advice! Especially R106

by Anonymousreply 11410/31/2010

OP, by any chance, do you have "WELCOME" printed on your forehead?

by Anonymousreply 11510/31/2010

OP, it's interesting how you've picked and chosen those posters you will listen to.

I suspect "I will take your advice! Especially [R106]" means that you'll be back during or after the holidays complaining about the same thing because you have made no changes.

If you were capable of being controlling the situation or not letting it bother you, you would have done so long before now.

by Anonymousreply 11610/31/2010

OP might not be the most tactful person, but who gives a fuck. Of course he's going to "pick and chose" from the posts that strike a chord with him or he feels are most useful to addressing his particular situation.%0D %0D Maybe he will come back and complain. So what. This is DL. You can do that. And BTW: Sometimes it takes more than one attempt to straighten out a situation adn get it to a point you can live with. These things are organic. It's not like getting your car serviced!

by Anonymousreply 11711/01/2010

OP, while you're picking and chosing, I think it would do well to consider the post at R111.%0D %0D There is certainly an element of that need for validation and compensation in your story.

by Anonymousreply 11811/01/2010

It doesn't sound like the OP wants to dump the family - the issue is really with his brother. I can relate. %0D %0D It would break my mother's heart if I stopped attending family functions. She lives for family gatherings and I'm man enough to deal with my sister a few times a year. She's a bitch and is stealth about it. She knowingly fools others and treats me like shit when others aren't around or listening. I despise time spent with her. I just try to stay as far away from her as possible. %0D %0D My guess is the root of OP's brother's behavior is jealousy. It is so often the case in families. My sister is a control freak and can't stand when anyone else gets praise or finds success or happiness in life. She's competitive. I'm not. It drives her crazy and she takes it out on me.%0D %0D She's a girl, so I know it's different from your relationship with your brother, but I'm sure on some level she's hurt I ignore her and don't persue a relationship with her. I get along with everyone else and it visibly bothers her.%0D %0D Could jealousy be the issue, OP?

by Anonymousreply 11911/01/2010

In my entire adult life this is not something I have paid attention to. If I need to talk to someone, I do- cannot say I have ever been "ignored". If I ascertain that someone I was or are attracted to is not attracted to me, I leave them alone and move on. Is that what you are asking about? If so, OP, move on-life and time is short and there are millions of others.

by Anonymousreply 12011/01/2010

Read your problem.%0D %0D OP- be polite to your brother when you encounter him at events and carry on your other normal relationships. Otherwise, get over it- move on. %0D %0D Dysfunction between families or people takes two participating parties. Remove your side from the equation. Not for his or their sake, but yours.

by Anonymousreply 12111/01/2010

I actually agree with charlie here. Families have vested interests in telling themselves stories that make the world coherent. If you slink away from the family, that will be the story they tell to one another. "(OP) won't visit us anymore and it's his/her fault." Your brother wins, in effect.

Just keep being gracious. So asshole-brother doesn't make small talk with you. That's not a huge thing. Don't make it one.

Also if you can stay in better touch with family members (except for asshole brother) in between these major holiday gatherings, then the gatherings with your brother won't seem as loaded. Try being kinder and reaching out more often to your parents throughout the year. I guess I'm recommending a tactical "suck up to the neutral/good people" approach here, but it often does work over time.

by Anonymousreply 12211/01/2010

OP I am going through something similar at work - getting frozen out and treated in a hostile manner by a higher up. It sucks but through this process I have learned three things - I am not a victim and I do not have to give my power to anyone and I decide stay present and choose how I feel at all times.%0D %0D An exercise that can help you is to have a pretend conversation with your brother and explain to him that you love him unconditionally in terms of his intrinsic worth as a human being not his personality and that you choose how to feel at all times. %0D %0D OP you cannot change another person you can only transform yourself. You cannot force people to act in cetain ways. Punishing, withdrawing or trying to make people do what you want only strengthens their resistance. It turns your power over to others making them the source of meeting your needs rather than yourself. You can release needing others to alter their behavior and love and accept them instead. When you work in this way you can feel the greatest power you possess to make your life work - the power to change yourself.%0D %0D Also look at how your relationship with your brother mirrors something in yourself - the patterns or thoughts that you engage in to attract this type of behavior to you. What in your life are you neglecting? How do you ignore your deepest desires? How do you reject yourself or ideas or dreams? How do you criticize yourself? People treat you the way you are treating yourself. See this person's behavior as an opportunity to be non-reactive. Just be an observer and treat him like a lab rat and just observe his weird behavior. It has nothing to do with you. Just work on transforming yourself not him or the rest of your family.%0D %0D A book I recommend is Soul Love by Sanaya Roman which is where I got a lot of the info in this post. It's not for everyone but it has helped me immensely.

by Anonymousreply 12311/01/2010

Thanks R123, best advice so far. I'm definitely picking up the book.

by Anonymousreply 12411/02/2010

OP is acting just as dismissive to the other posters and their advice as his brother acts towards him. They are two peas in a pod!

by Anonymousreply 12511/02/2010

OP sounds like he has victim mentality. My sister has it. She goes on about how awful our mother is, how much she hated her, and then goes back for more. Granted, my mother did some really awful stuff to my sister (probably tops any story here), but my sister needs to be a victim in the eyes of other, and this is where she gets her material.

by Anonymousreply 12611/02/2010

In refusing to answer many of the specific questions posed, OP is revealing that he is a she, and is not gay, and is quite annoying. Passive-aggressive likely too.

by Anonymousreply 12711/02/2010

I ignore their ignoring me, sending them birthday greetings with just a whiff of condescension, and occasionally throwing a comment or question their way. I want them to think I haven't noticed.%0D

by Anonymousreply 12811/02/2010

People, ignore the OP... I can see why her brother ignores her

by Anonymousreply 12911/02/2010

Well, OP certainly is ignoring a lot of us!!

by Anonymousreply 13011/02/2010

OP, perhaps it would help to rethink the equation. Sometimes what seems bad is really a good thing.

Fact: your brother is the consummate asshole. He won't ever change.

So, I give you a pop quiz.

Setting: You are in a room full of people. There is one person who is a toxic mess. The rest are nice and they love you. They also have very small emotional toolboxes and are terrified of conflict. So they pretend things are just fine with the asshole. Besides, because they are chickenshit, they are afraid to cross him. He holds the room hostage.


A. The asshole could zero in on you and pay you lots of attention. It would always end ugly, and the family would be mad at you both.

B. The asshole could totally ignore you, allowing you to enjoy the evening and ignore him without any negative social implications. The family love you for it and are secretly grateful because they don't have to deal with the asshole.

by Anonymousreply 13111/02/2010

or C. stop attending family functions altogether (they are not nice and they do not love op).

by Anonymousreply 13211/02/2010

[quote]I am not a victim and I do not have to give my power to anyone and I decide stay present and choose how I feel at all times.%0D %0D %0D %0D What the hell does this even mean? %0D %0D %0D [quote]An exercise that can help you is to have a pretend conversation with your brother and explain to him that you love him unconditionally in terms of his intrinsic worth as a human being not his personality and that you choose how to feel at all times. %0D %0D %0D %0D Are you Stuart Smalley? Why the hell would you want to tell someone in pretend conversation that you love them unconditionally? %0D %0D %0D OP why don't you just ignore him back? Interact with the other family members and act like he doesn't exist. Problem solved without all this drama.

by Anonymousreply 13311/02/2010

The OP acknowledged the excellent advice of R123 above. He is not ignoring anything on this thread as far as I can see.%0D %0D I recently ended a relationship, 11 years- because my partner is involved and has been involved in a life long feud with his brother that involves his mother and is all wrapped up in her early in life issues with her marriages and children from 2 fathers. My partner lives and breaths his role as the martyr of his family. He is always unhappy, in pain and angry- blaming others for his problems going back decades. He even went into business with the brother, go figure. %0D %0D Will not change anything, will not take good advice from experts on the businesses wrapped up in the dysfunction. Repudiates and ultimately rejects anyone suggesting a different course to him, including me. He is only interested in being comforted for the dysfunction he can easily turn away from.%0D %0D One can only go so far into a dark tunnel with people, even those you love. Otherwise you enter into the codependent mutually unhappy world of their life- mutual self destruction actually. It is akin to remaining with an active addict who is destroying his and your life.%0D %0D R123 is right on target OP. Fix and work on your side of the equation. You will be fine, if not your brother- but that is not within your power. %0D %0D It was not within my power to alter the course my X partner is on.

by Anonymousreply 13411/02/2010

r47 you've just described my mom. She complains and complains but when someone steps up and confront the person/people she's complaining, she defends that person and turns against those trying to help her. I've about given up on her.

by Anonymousreply 13511/02/2010

Charlie, how dare you air my dirty laundry on this site!!!

by Anonymousreply 13611/02/2010


by Anonymousreply 13711/02/2010

Wait a second, OP. You say your family overlooks the behavior thereby reinforcing it and validating it. So essentially, your whole family is giving you the cold shoulder. By their refusal to intervene, they are telling you that you do not matter and, in fact, deserve the treatment.

Yet you continue to subject yourself to it. And then come on DL and ask for advice on how to deal with it. The best way to deal with something like this is TO CUT TIES WITH YOUR FAMILY AND DO NOT ATTEND EVENTS WHERE YOU WILL SEE YOUR BROTHER.

How is it that your therapist hasn't told you that your continued presence at these events is simply allowing them to continue their sick cycle; you're fulfilling your role in your family just the way they have cast you.

When are you going to realize that they are all fucked up? And no matter what you do, no matter how much you plead with them to do something, or no matter how long you WAIT for them to support you, it's not going to happen. In order for them to change their behavior, they have to see that it is wrong and the only way to do that is for you to stop giving them permission to treat you this way. That means withdrawing until someone comes to you and says they support you.

The answer is so simple, really, but you refuse to accept it. Sometimes, through no fault of our own, our families are nasty pieces of work who don't deserve to have power over us once we're of an age to escape. It is okay to stop playing your role in their drama.

by Anonymousreply 13811/02/2010

Tell him to grow-up and ask What's wrong with you brother? Or, Don't go where he is? Screw him!

by Anonymousreply 13912/19/2011

OP, you're an accomplice. I'm sorry, but you are. I had this situation for decades. I gave people permission to treat me a certain way. It was hurtful and disrespectful.

I tried all kinds of stuff to ingratiate myself, to let them see I wasn't a "bad" person, but a good person. I extended myself to accomodate them. The ones who weren't bullies were passive agressive slime.

I fnally wised up after 35 years. At the ripe old age of 48, I said, "Enough!" I developed a backbone and realized I had done absolutely nothing to apologize for, and these people didn't deserve my time let alone the ffort to "prove myself" to them.

Now, on the very rare occasion I am at a gathering, (Maybe once or twice a year,) I stay for no more than 30 minutes. I pay my repsects to the two or three people I feel an obligation to, like mny two elderly aunts and my mother, and then I leave.

I can see the people I really want to see at other times, and I avoid the ugliness of people who's mission is to make me feel as inferior and miserable as they are.

These people live in a small world. They are limited, damaged human beings. I have chosen not to become one of them. You can do this. You are not in a trap. There is a strange comfort in the familiar, even for abused people, but you can stop this now and you should.

by Anonymousreply 14012/19/2011

This isn't about your brother winning. This is about your mental health. End it. Walk away. See the people you want to see on your own terms.

by Anonymousreply 14112/19/2011

Also wanted to add that if you play their game, and you play it every time you attend a gathering with them, they win. They will not change. This is how they are.

Life is truly too short to waste it on petty, small bullshit people. Don't make any dramatic announcements. Just be busy next time. Or out of town. Don't over explain.

Say, "Thanks for the invite. I'd love to, but I won't be able to make it." If they press you, give them a vague answer and wrap it up with "I hope you'll fill me in on what I miss! Have a great time!"

My guess is you've been hovering around waiting, and hoping for them to accept you, and respect you, and change their behavior. They won't. They're assholes.

If you decided to make the best of it, and rationalize unacceptable behavior, then you are accepting the role they have assigned you for the rest of your life.

They'll talk about you behind your back anyway OP. They are doing it as we speak. So what. At least don't give them more shit to talk about. Walk. Away. Rebuild your life with out them. If there are any people you care about...who also care about you, see them on your own time. Or theirs.

Ask yourself this question: Who from that whole crowd, ever calls you independently to do something fun? Who among them are your true friends? Could you call one of them to drive you to the hospital? Come pick you up if your car won't start? Run to the Mall or a movie with? Do something spur of the moment that's fun? Call to check on you to make sure you're OK?

by Anonymousreply 14212/19/2011

This thread is over a year old. Who wants to take bets that the OP is still putting up with the shitty behavior because she loves being the martyr?

by Anonymousreply 14312/19/2011

I haven't read the thread, but I figure if someone ignores me, it's their loss.

by Anonymousreply 14412/19/2011

Stop going to family events!!!!!! Period!

by Anonymousreply 14511/26/2012

This happens to me too, just beat them at everything. Like Ed sheeran says ( i know this may sound wierd) but Success is the best revenge... XD

by Anonymousreply 14612/14/2012

OP: Taylor Armstrong does the very same shit to me, but only when the producers ask.

by Anonymousreply 14712/14/2012

Hadn't the paragraph been invented in 2010?

by Anonymousreply 14812/14/2012

I want to not talk to my brother for the following reasons: He's a pathological liar, a "reformed" addict who thinks all his past transgressions didn't happen because he got "better". He is still harassing his ex wife 7 years later. I have suspicions that he has been inappropriate with his daughter he doesn't talk to. He is the elephant in the room my family won't discuss. My husband has been wronged by him many times. We get into fights because I don't want to handle this the way he does. These people never think anything is their fault.

by Anonymousreply 14912/18/2012

..."And don't think not talking to me, is going to bother me in the least bit. I can think of nothing that would give me greater pleasure than never having to hear your voice again."

by Anonymousreply 15012/18/2012

I like to see someone try to ignore me while I am pounding my fist in their face!!!

actually when you get right down to it with a little imagination you can use that to your advantage...

by Anonymousreply 15101/12/2013

R44 & r52 are spot on

by Anonymousreply 15201/12/2013

I tell them national security secrets so their country's police will monitor their every move.

by Anonymousreply 15301/12/2013

[quote] My husband has been wronged by him many times.

Examples, please.

by Anonymousreply 15401/12/2013

I speak to them using their name putting them on the spot regarding their attitude towards me.

by Anonymousreply 15501/12/2013

OP I have exactly the same problem with my family and my brother.

my advice is to own your space. you are an adult now and you don't need to suffer his shit anymore and you are not obliged to abide by the unspoken family rules that he can treat you like shit and you have to tolerate it.

he sounds like a pedigree cunt so you would not want a relationship with him anyway, however, you should not have to hide in the shadows because he is a bully.

the first step to taking ownership of your life if to let go of the abuse and take control of the situation. i suggest you go into the room where he is and even if you have to sit there fiddling with your phone make your presence felt.

he feeds off your discomfort so voluntarily plonking yourself down in a room where no one speaks to you will confuse him. if he gives you dirty looks look him straight in the eye and hold your stare - make him glance away first, when he does keep staring until he looks back. when he looks back and sees you looking again, then look away. You have communicated I can see you and you can keep staring prick, whatever. By looking away after him you have taken control of when you choose to engage.

most communication is non-verbal and you can communicate with him your intentions non-verbally just as effectively as he does with you.

His behaviour says you're not welcome, your behaviour says i don't give a fuck. I'm here and you can suck it.

either that or just don't go to family events. take control. if the family are enabling his abuse go on holiday, go to a bar. do something that makes you happy and have a nice time.

do not allow anyone else to define your self worth and value. if i could speak to the younger me I would tell me that and have fucked the lot of my family off a lot sooner.

Good luck and happy trails x

by Anonymousreply 15601/12/2013

Also OP sometimes telling people you don't give a fuck and they can all go fuck themselves is extremely liberating and empowering.

The ability to articulate where they sit in the pecking order of your life is great, takes a huge burden off your shoulders and is more effective and cheaper than years of therapy. Literally get if off your chest.

You may not be able to change how they behave and who they are but you certainly can tell them to spin and swivel and flip the bird.

I have done it many times.

A word of warning, if you are going fuck people off, there are a few things you should be away of.

You will be burning bridges which cannot be rebuilt after.

Other family members will take a dim view. Flat out tell them they are entitled to their opintion and it is long overdue X was told about themselves.

Drop the eff bomb and leave. Don't stick around to witness the aftermath. You want the person on the receiving end to be the one who has to suffer the humiliation.

When you tell them stand front and centre, look them dead in the eyes when you say it and say it loud and clear so there is no confusion about what is going on. You will be amazed at how bullies shit themselves when you direct your rage at them and stand your ground. You are not afraid and if they don't like it simply refer them to the part when you told them to go fuck themselves.

The bully make seek to save their embaressment by trying to engage you in dialogue usually some type of verbal abuse, this is when you say 'whatever' and leave the event and go to the pub or bar and celebrate your ability to not give a shit.

if you are going to be hated in life, let it be by your own hands.

by Anonymousreply 15701/12/2013

r155, and what does that do?

by Anonymousreply 15801/12/2013

I have dealt with this type of mental abuse my entire life. It started with my siblings (brother and sister), and has only gotten worse through the decades. I will turn 50 this year and I have finally reached the point that I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. I waited for them to change, to finally love and appreciate me. I have come to realize that assholes are born, not made. They will never change. They are toxic and defective and I will no longer be a victim and be depressed, and ruin my life.

I'm focusing on living my life and only attend functions so as to not upset my elderly mother. I have my laptop and stay in my own world. I no longer care what they say about me. I no longer care that their friends treat me like a leper.

Living well really is the only revenge.

OP, all you can do is not play their game. All you can do is ignore them back. They are not mentally healthy and it is not worth losing your mental health to an asshole.

by Anonymousreply 15905/12/2013

Whenever he speaks or says something, laugh under your breath or just slyly smirk.

by Anonymousreply 16005/12/2013

I too face a similar problem.But with my sister. she took maximum advantage from me. Now her children are grown up and earning she ignores me its her son,s wedding now.she did invite me but i know how she behaves. she has done the same with our siblings also. but none of them say anything to her. when she wants any help she goes to them directly and talks. after that god only knows how she is. But none say anything. I am not able to do that. now the issue is about the wedding. If I dont attentd then I will be at fault. I have gone thru the opinions of everyone. so I feel the best thing is to attend and not involve in anything.not take it heart even if anything hurts u there.

by Anonymousreply 16105/17/2013

Sorry Gweneth, Madonna hates you, there's no going back. Move along.

by Anonymousreply 16205/17/2013

I've had problems with my sister too, and I just ignore her. I don't talk to her, email her or call her. She and her in-laws have caused so much misery in my life that I don't want to be around her anymore. She has betrayed my trust so bad, that I don't believe anything she says anymore even when she says something positive. When I'm forced to be around her like funerals, weddings, etc., I mostly just keep away from her as much as I can, and talk to other people instead. I don't think that our problem will ever be solved because she is unwilling to talk about our conflict, and does not care about my feelings. So OP, I advise you to just stay away from your family before they cause you anymore emotional abuse. I know that's may be hard for you to do, but sometimes we have to do it for ourselves to save our own sanity.

Best Regards,

by Anonymousreply 16305/23/2013

Paging JANBOT!

by Anonymousreply 16405/23/2013

If you didn't do anything, then he just dislikes you. It happens and may be irrational or more about his issues. Maybe he can sense your neediness and desire to be liked and it's off-putting.

Like some others have said, why do you want to be liked by him anyway? Just write him off. There are other people.

by Anonymousreply 16505/23/2013

You will probably never have any luck in changing his attitude. I too have a brother who refuses to acknowledge me, he turned against me years ago and I've never been able to find the reason why. I have my suspicions that he was fed some lies and untrue gossip because I can't think of any other reason - and if there is one, he's never told me. So, I have tried and tried to make things right to no avail. I actually just read this very interesting piece of research “When you refuse to apologize, it actually makes you feel more empowered,” he said. “That power and control seems to translate into greater feelings of self-worth.” I am of the opinion that my brother, and no doubt your brother are on their little power trips where they insist on being in control, no matter how wrong, bizarre and rude their behaviour truly is.

by Anonymousreply 16606/04/2013

I am dealing with this now. My boyfriends father refuses to acknowledge me or even say hi to me from day one. He speaks to everyone but me and I have done nothing to this man. It's annoying to keep saying hi, hello and not even get a response. I should not have to keep saying hi to you and constantly get ignored. We stay in the same house. Me and his son are having a child together and I refuse to have my child around him since he can't respect me I don't care if that is his grandchild or not this is ridiculous!

by Anonymousreply 16708/17/2013

They cease to exist. I never look their way or acknowledge them again.

by Anonymousreply 16808/18/2013

punch and delete

by Anonymousreply 16908/18/2013

Some people your feelings about them are strictly one-way. I have one friend I adore but his judgement about people is so bad that if he told me he loved me, I'd have to interpret it as an insult, since all his friends and lovers have been psychopaths, frauds, and assholes. So I just communicate one way and hope for the best.

by Anonymousreply 17008/18/2013

my oldest brother use to try to get me in trouble when he saw i did some thing i did not want my mother to know. now when he says something to me with a smartalic remark he smiles now i have pictures throught inheritance and though he does things all the time for my younger brother and sister. my picture i inherited my youger brother and sister is involved and she has told him we would all 4 of us go through them how do i take care of this problem. my sister told him all of us would go though them but i did not tell him that

by Anonymousreply 17110/25/2013

my brother has these power trips and when he does he smiles and smokes a pipe he has a master degree in artitech and his wife is a director of 3 hospitals and they think they are better than others. my brother calls his spanish maid his girl like he better than her and he down talks spanish people and black people because i am white and my husban is black he tried this on my husband white they were painting our home all of us inerited and my husband put him in place.

by Anonymousreply 17210/25/2013

I like blue. Do you?

by Anonymousreply 17310/25/2013

You ignore the person back. If those around you choose this person over you, then you need to remove yourself from their company. They've made their choice.

by Anonymousreply 17410/25/2013

I adore R156. It's exactly how a cat would handle the situation.

by Anonymousreply 17510/25/2013

I wonder if OP was poor Tiffany Sedaris.

by Anonymousreply 17610/25/2013

What about coworkers that routinely ignore you at lunch, meetings, or any other time except when they have to speak to you? I left a job where I was miserable all around, and the kicker was listening to people talk about happy hours right in front of me that I am not invited to. What could I have said in that situation?

by Anonymousreply 17710/25/2013

no more

by Anonymousreply 17810/26/2013

Just fart in their presence, they wont be able to ignore that

by Anonymousreply 17910/26/2013

I thank them

by Anonymousreply 18010/26/2013

I pretend not to notice. It drives them nuts.

by Anonymousreply 18210/26/2013

R183 what if they are a member of your family u have to see multiple times a year?

by Anonymousreply 18310/26/2013

Cat bombs are effective.

by Anonymousreply 18410/26/2013

OP - even though you didn't ask, I thought you might like to know:

Your brother is jealous of you. It's obvious that you are more successful than him, especially materially. This is the only way he knows to "cut you down" and show you that "you're not so special."

Just thought it might help you to know what the real issue here is. And no - you're not going to be able to change his behavior in any way.

It might help you feel a LOT better when he's acting out, to know that he actually sees you as his superior in every way and it drive him crazy! And that the rest of the family share this belief, which is why they protect him.

You're king of the hill, baby. And he's pissed. Maybe you could begin enjoying his "malice" instead of letting it upset you. Or at least find it amusing. I find it *very* amusing when adults can't stop themselves from acting like children.

by Anonymousreply 18510/26/2013

In addition, "How do I handle..." that type of situation:

By refusing to hide my mild amusement at their overtly childish coping mechanisms - that everyone is witnessing - and feeling rather smug that I would inspire such an extreme reaction out of someone.

by Anonymousreply 18610/26/2013

"What about coworkers that routinely ignore you at lunch, meetings, or any other time except when they have to speak to you? I left a job where I was miserable all around, and the kicker was listening to people talk about happy hours right in front of me that I am not invited to. What could I have said in that situation?"

That's horrible! It may be that there was a clique in that workplace. The way leaders of cliques keep a group together is to find a scapegoat or target to "hate on" as a group. It's very common in school age girls but continues into the workplace, I think especially among women, but maybe men do this as well.

I don't know because I've never kept a group-type job long enough to really figure it out. I agree with Sartre, "hell is other people"

by Anonymousreply 18710/26/2013

The more important question is, why would you want to "handle" them. The only thing worse than them ignoring you, would be for them to stop ignoring you. Why would you want to interact with someone so childish and immature.

However if you really are intent on changing the situation, let it be known that you are quite fine with them ignoring you, that you enjoy it. Once they find out that you are enjoying it, they will stop.

However why you would want that is beyond me.

by Anonymousreply 18810/26/2013

dont ever speak to them again and dont try to figure out why. they probably dont like you. who cares? leave them alone and quit bothering them. they obviously dont want to know you. what dont you get?

by Anonymousreply 18911/29/2013

I slap them viciously

by Anonymousreply 19011/29/2013

Wonder whether OP still comes back to read the latest posts. Hope he/she? has found some kind of peace. Life is too short to let others bring you down. All your self-esteem just drains away.

by Anonymousreply 19112/29/2013

You keep your distance and look after yourself. People like this often had personal problems that they wont or cant share and seeing someone do things differently can cause many ill feelings. These types of people, family or non family are considered toxic. They have hang-ups and issues that you don't want to be part of. Distance yourself to understand the bigger picture. Do not worry about what parties they hold, the close bonds they make with others, or the fact they may look to you like they have it all for one reason or another, because looking at the bigger picture you will come to learn it is all for show and your life is better than theirs. People behave in this way, again, family and non family when they are not happy with their own lives. If a person is happy, they share it and you become part of their happiness. If they are bitter, jealous, angry, ect, they display it in ways like this. Immature babyish, childish ways that can make you throw up. Do not waste your emotions and happy feelings on these people and surround yourself with those that make you feel good not the opposite.

by Anonymousreply 19207/06/2014

I had stuff like that in my family. When I realized they were just some mean fucks I got out and never looked back.

Taking advice from R22 might also be very helpful.

Some people are just assholes!

by Anonymousreply 19307/06/2014

A guy lead me on and I really liked him and we to coffee, and next day I find out he all of a sudden started dating this other guy, and now he's avoiding me I really liked him, what do I do I am so hurt by this whole situation I'm a guy as well.

by Anonymousreply 19411/16/2014

Skip those family get togethers. If they protect him, the abuser, they don't care about you.

by Anonymousreply 19511/16/2014

I've experienced this same thing with my niece. You'd think something was horribly wrong with me or that I did something to her. No, not the case. Finally in 2010 I got the opportunity to ask her via email. Not her own email but email she had set up for my sister to use. She said she stopped trying to talk to me because I talked about my nasty sex life with my older sister. But as far back as I can remember she would not say "hi", let alone converse, with me. This has been going on since she was a child for about 24 years. As years went by I went to fewer and fewer holidays at my sister's house. I even moved away for 4 years and and at my sisters request returned back to square 1. So I attended Thanksgiving just to be treated the same ill-mannered way again with my sister, as usual, saying nothing to her daughter. Nobody else saying nothing either. I haven't went back to my sisters for holidays or even visits since then. After 13 long miserable months I barely was able to relocate again but only to the next state. Neither my sister or other siblings ever contact me to welcome me, or ask me, if I'm coming to Christmas. And this is just 1 of the huge problems I have with my family. It's a house divided and I don't know how to put it together again. It seems hopeless. And it's hurtful. My sister doesn't want to talk things out; she just wants me to drop it all and let it go. And niece has kids that 2 I use to be close to but now when I tried to talk to them on Facebook, the middle 1 was quite rude, typed in caps just like her mother did; she goes "I know who you are." And it all bothers me; it hurts. But I'm getting to the point I'm just going to let them go and go on with my life without them.

by Anonymousreply 19612/17/2014

Why the fuck are you bothering with these people, R196? You don't need them.

by Anonymousreply 19712/17/2014

Make another life R196. Family are not everything. You're wasting your life while they say "dance puppet dance". They get off on the power to make you miserable.

by Anonymousreply 19812/17/2014

What's with the double backslashes?

by Anonymousreply 19912/17/2014

Your niece is a homophobic bigot obviously. Who cares what the little piece of trash thinks?

by Anonymousreply 20012/18/2014

Tell lies about them.

by Anonymousreply 20112/19/2014

R196, perhaps your spelling and grammar are what your niece finds objectionable about you.

by Anonymousreply 20212/19/2014

R23 reads like a particularly witty response to r22.

by Anonymousreply 20312/19/2014

r196 - what the hell? [quote]She said she stopped trying to talk to me because I talked about my nasty sex life with my older sister.

She said why she doesn't want to talk to you.

Curiously, you don't respond at all to what she directly said to you.

This makes me think that you were, in fact, discussing sex inappropriately in front of her.


by Anonymousreply 20412/19/2014

R204=brainless bigot. A sex life is not "nasty" or "inappropriate." I really wish bigoted trolls would just off themselves. They never will be happy, ever.

by Anonymousreply 20512/19/2014

Talking about sex of any kind with your niece or any younger family member is inappropriate.

That is difficult for you to understand?

by Anonymousreply 20612/19/2014

I mentally thank them for not making me deal with such childish drama queens.

by Anonymousreply 20712/19/2014

[quote] How Do You Handle People Who Ignore You and Refuse To Speak To You.

By ignoring them back and not speaking to them.

Like, duh

by Anonymousreply 20812/19/2014

[quote] [R196], perhaps your spelling and grammar are what your niece finds objectionable about you.

I wouldn't let R196 near my family with that kind of grammar. There have to becsome kind of standards.

by Anonymousreply 20912/19/2014

[quote] Talking about sex of any kind with your niece or any younger family member is inappropriate.

First of all that's a lie. How are they supposed to understand the world if it is hidden from them. Your attitude is ignorant and evil. And secondly, this was not the claimed situation. He spoke to his own sister about his sex life, not the niece. You're just a fraud and a bigot.

by Anonymousreply 21012/19/2014

Be patient and quiet and gather as much dirt on them as possible. Someday the cards will turn. Work on your life to be happy without them. The day will come when someone has an issue and you'll be the bigger person. Gathering dirt is just to make you realize that they aren't perfect, etc. more likely, they feel insecure about them. Relatives are just people. You're supposed to respect them but if you back through history, you'll see that relatives aren't always loyal. They might even fear you or have a complex that they want to hide, or a bad habit. Or they might just not be nice. Either way, you have to live for your own sense of wellbeing (not theirs). If they aren't there for you now they probably will not be in the future, so better not to be of the illusion. Just excel and do better and take care of yourself. Whatever they are really dealing with probably is not because of you.

by Anonymousreply 21105/24/2015

My family abuser is a closet queen. Because I am out of the closet I am a huge threat to his existence, his marriage, and his status as a father.

I don't do anything to disrupt his life out of respect to my sister, who is mostly a raving bitch to me as well.

The children are the concern here so I don't fuck with them.

But it's a crime how my being an out gay has been made to be demeaned by the closet queen and his frau.

by Anonymousreply 21205/24/2015

Also, be inconditionally pleasant to them but keep any conversation light. If they have a problem, e.g. Illness, etc., then be pleasant but don't get too involved. Just be nice. It is possible that they are not really who or what they appear to be. They might be too limited to be inclusive, meaning not very socially skilled, etc. become the bigger person by developing yourself. But if they become abusive, get in their face when no one else is around and be direct. Tell them tha you do not appreciate it and to stop. Just make sure that no one else is around when you talk to them.

by Anonymousreply 21305/24/2015

Tell him that he needs to tell his wife to start being nice to you or you'll consider blowing his secret. That he wears the pants in the house.use and should take charge of the situation like a man.

by Anonymousreply 21405/24/2015

My plans are working!!

by Anonymousreply 21505/24/2015

My brother in law is no man, R214!

He lets my raving bitch sister control him, boss him around, and give her all of his money.

YUCK he must be a total bottom with her as well....

by Anonymousreply 21605/24/2015

But be nice and adultlike with him, e.g. Man to man. Don't make the threat....find a diplomatic way to tell him (in private) how you feel and that you would appreciate (and for the sake of his family) that you were treated better, not excluded, etc, that it is very hurtful and makes you feel bad and that you would appreciate mutual respect as you respect his situation; but that he needs to foster a more accepting environment, not of your sexual preferences (which should be private) but of you as a relative, family memeber, etc. If his wife is rude, tell him how you would expect him to manage the household, etc. .... There are all kinds of people in this world, she could be rude to someone else for a different reason. She needs to develop better social skills. If he is maintianing a houselhold he needs to step up to the responsvility (show some leadership .... Which has nothing to do with being gay).

by Anonymousreply 21705/24/2015

But be nice and adultlike with him, e.g. Man to man. Don't make the threat....find a diplomatic way to tell him (in private) how you feel and that you would appreciate (and for the sake of his family) that you were treated better, not excluded, etc, that it is very hurtful and makes you feel bad and that you would appreciate mutual respect as you respect his situation; but that he needs to foster a more accepting environment, not of your sexual preferences (which should be private) but of you as a relative, family memeber, etc. If his wife is rude, tell him how you would expect him to manage the household, etc. .... There are all kinds of people in this world, she could be rude to someone else for a different reason. She needs to develop better social skills. If he is maintianing a houselhold he needs to step up to the responsvility (show some leadership .... Which has nothing to do with being gay).

by Anonymousreply 21805/24/2015

Thank you R218,

I think they are both beyond help or advice though as they show signs of Asperger's. I'm thinking they 'get' each other, whereas others would be put off by their coldness and lack of social skills.

Still, they have a wide net of friends and associates because of their careers. But then again, they are in the Bay Area where many are lack warmth and grace and are inclined to pose as intellectual leftists.

This pseudo-intellectualism in the Bay Area is a cover for many who are on the autism spectrum, in my opinion.

by Anonymousreply 21905/24/2015

I agree. i was in that industry 30 years. Bright people....bit the comoetitiveness also limits people. Bright people attracted to i tellectual stuff but with low social skills.

by Anonymousreply 22005/24/2015

Yes, R220,

and they are HELL ON EARTH for feeling, emotional people.

They also mistake sensitive people for being dumb, or lower I.Q.

They couldn't be farther from the truth, as feeling people register very high on the Emotional I.Q. quotient, which VITAL for the survival of the species.

by Anonymousreply 22105/24/2015

I agree. The reason I did not join mensus.

by Anonymousreply 22205/24/2015

But later in life different things come out, people face loss, hardship, etc....and that can be when feelings come out and people need each other. So, that day may come. Just be cool with yourself. In the end you have to stand on your own. I am going through that now.

by Anonymousreply 22305/24/2015


Same here. I encountered sickos that extolled the virtues of incest, torture porn, etc, all masking themselves as great intellects.

There should be a group for people to join who are Emotional I.Q. geniuses.

We could change the world!

by Anonymousreply 22405/24/2015

Consider Susan Boyle who was seenone way but is actuall probably a genius , etc., how she was perceived early in life, etc. , and where she is now. It is a jeart warming story about a woman who probably faced alot of loneliness, etc.

by Anonymousreply 22505/24/2015


I am sending good thoughts your way and I KNOW that you will be well.


p.s. remember to do your grip strength exercises!

by Anonymousreply 22605/24/2015

This thread is over 4 years old. I'm curious as to whether OP ever resolved the asshole brother issue. Like maybe wised up and quit going to the family functions.

by Anonymousreply 22705/24/2015

Who knows, I didn't read the whole thread. Yeah...sometimes it's best justt to move on.

by Anonymousreply 22805/24/2015

Thanks!!...movin' on here 😆

by Anonymousreply 22905/24/2015

I don't handle them at all. Instead I spend my entire life on DL, spewing vitriol. If anyone replies to me, I crank it up another notch.

Yeah, I'm a miserable excuse for a human being, but at least I'm getting attention now! Yayyyy!

by Anonymousreply 23005/24/2015
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