My partner died 25 years ago. I still think about him everyday.
I've never found another guy, and I'm not complaining, since it isn't uncommon for many to never have met their SO and live happily by themselves.
Sometimes I have to look at his picture to completely remember how he looked when young and healthy. He went through the entire aging process in only 4 years and then died struggling to breathe.
I only wish I could have one more day with him but that will never be.
|by Anonymous||reply 82||11/18/2012|
I love you OP. I am so sorry. I have a partner for 14 years and because we travel a lot for our jobs, I find that sometimes I take him for granted. But when I am alone sometimes, I miss him so much it hurts. I cannot imagine missing him the way you miss your partner. You made me feel a way I have not felt in a while. Thank you for your post.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||07/11/2010|
Sorry OP. I hope you can take comfort in your memories. it sounds like you really treasure the time you had together. That is worth a lot.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||07/11/2010|
My heart goes out to you. I lost my best friend about 23 years ago. He was the only one that encouraged me to leave our crappy small town. Everyone else told me I could always come back if it didn't work out. He said to kick the hick dirt off my shoes and not look back. I miss him everyday.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||07/11/2010|
My love to you OP. Your post choked me up. I have been with my partner for 4 years and am thankful for every minute. I hope you continue to know happiness no matter what.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||07/11/2010|
OP, I'm a member of your club, although I've only been single 21 years. My lover begged me to remarry after he was gone, and I sure tried. I had two serious affairs that each lasted more than year, but weren't meant to be. It's not that I'm trying to find another him -- I know that could never be. I'm not nuts about being alone, but no one has rung any bells for me. I had paradise for five years: complete, total love, and the best sex I have ever had (from someone who fucked his way through the 60s and 70s!). I can never say I haven't been loved. I was loved to a fare-thee-well. I think about him every day. The thought makes me smile, and usually makes me laugh.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||07/11/2010|
Aw, that sucks shit OP, truly. I'm convinced the reason popular culture sucks so much is b/c an entire generation of tastemakers is gone. Sorry for your loss. For our loss.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||07/11/2010|
OP, you broke my heart. I cannot add any more then the previous posters with their eloquent replies. Your lover was very lucky to have you.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||07/11/2010|
at least you've had a real love in your life.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||07/11/2010|
Hugs, OP. He sounds like a wonderful man. Treasure the memories.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||07/11/2010|
I lost a soul who was very dear to me, once, and I came across a very small saying that really helped. Let me just pass it on.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||07/11/2010|
16 years ago I lost the love of my life. I had him for 10 and a half years and he was magnificent. At the time, I thought he was a rare find. As the years pass, I become all the more aware of that fact. %0D %0D Mister, you were something special!
|by Anonymous||reply 14||07/11/2010|
I'm so sorry for you, OP, but you obviously knew great love. What have you done with yourself since then in your partner's memory?
|by Anonymous||reply 15||07/11/2010|
I've not suffered your kind of loss OP, and I am sincerely sorry for what you've gone through. Brought up a memory tho. I lost the brother to whom I was closest when I was 23.
I spent years mourning and it changed nothing. It's very difficult to find the balance of honors someone's memory and being trapped by something that cannot change.
I am not saying that's what you're doing but if you are, consider honoring your wonderful partner by living your life to the fullest.
Loss is hard. The people that are gone will never be replaced but that doesn't mean we have to deny ourselves new experiences and different adventures that carry us down a path we wouldn't have chosen ... but find ourselves on anyway.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||07/11/2010|
thats a nice comment r16. I lost my great love 14 years ago, after a perfect 10 and a half years together ... I then spent 7 years on my own with our 2 cats, but then I met someone else who is just as funny and marvellous and loves me just as much, so I am twice blessed - and we have now celebrated 7 years together ... so one never knows when love comes into one's life again - and one is happy again in a different way. I still remember Rory every day and the fun times we had and have some of his things around me ... its a shame he was cut down at 35 but thats the way it goes.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||07/11/2010|
OP here; thank you all so much for your kind thoughts.
I know I'm not alone, but sadly, as we gay guys age, solitude seems to increase in our age conscious group and there are few chances for many of us to come in contact with one another.
Thank you all, I enjoyed every comment.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||07/11/2010|
Op, I am sorry for your loss. I hope your pain will heal, and you sound like a good guy who will and deserves to find someone else.%0D R13, that is a beautiful saying. I am going to try and remember that one forever.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||07/11/2010|
R18 / OP,
I'm sorry but with the attitude that there are no men at your age to have a relationship with is self-defeating.
If you don't want another relationship, fine.
If you do want one, I wouldn't hide behind a lack of potential partners when there are a number of men available.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||07/11/2010|
My partner of 19 years died 18 months ago. It just about killed me. Had a mild nervous breakdown, but I'm better now, and I'm starting to feel like myself again. I can now focus on all the great, healthy years we had together instead of the tragedy of his loss that used to consume me.%0D %0D I'm at the stage now where I feel some guilt about moving on with my life. The first year after he died I thought about him 100 times a day. Now I think about him a few times a day, and I feel guilty about it. %0D %0D I'm in my early 40's, and don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself. But at the same time, I don't think I could ever go through losing someone else again.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||07/11/2010|
Clairee, there are still good times to be had!
|by Anonymous||reply 22||07/11/2010|
how long were you two together and what did he die of?
|by Anonymous||reply 23||07/11/2010|
Despite the loss, you're fortunate to have had a partner.%0D %0D I'm 44 years old and am still looking. I'm not optimistic.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||07/12/2010|
That's what I (r17) went through r21 - mainly during the first year. It was hard to accept that my life was continuing while his had stopped so he was becoming part of my past - but then you begin to accept that that was his alloted time and nothing could change that, so we remember him fondly always as our lives develop and change.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||07/12/2010|
OP, I know what you mean by wish you had just one more day to spend with him. We take so many days for granted. It's only when someone's gone that you realize how important each day with them was.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||07/12/2010|
one of the better ones in a while, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||01/02/2011|
MHB: It only took you 5 months to find this old post and then proceed to (be)rate it?%0D %0D How much does your life suck if this is all you have to do?%0D %0D Find a hobby. Do some volunteer work. Get away from 5 month old DL posts.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||01/02/2011|
OP, kind of sounds like you identify as a "widow" and perhaps that identity feels stronger than any others you might take on. I mean, why romanticise your loss? you wish you could only spend one more day with him? why just one? why not a year?%0D %0D I just lost my partner of 14 years, six months ago so, believe me, I know how painful it can be. I've just gone through my first Christmas without him. I understand the pain. but you also have to move on. life is for the living.%0D %0D R21, don't feel guilty. if you're capable of moving on, then it's best you do. you don't need to monitor your feelings for your former partner, they will always be there. they are a part of your life. don't take on the role of some widow, shrouded in grief. live your life.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||01/02/2011|
So sorry for your loss. But imagine your life without him. i know it's apatitude the whole better to have loved and lost. It sucks that you aren't together. But imagine the emptiness without the memories. Again I am so sorry.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||01/02/2011|
OP, my heart really goes out to you. I often think about being in your situation after 23 years together and wonder if I could go on.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||01/02/2011|
OP, I would give anyone to have someone as caring and loving as you in my life, even if it was only for a few years.%0D %0D Your partner was lucky to have you.%0D %0D Me... that's something I'll never know.%0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 33||01/02/2011|
I just want to give you a huge hug OP. I am sorry.
|by Anonymous||reply 34||01/02/2011|
Your partner is dead for six months, R29, and you're already talking about 'living life'? R21 is on track - he's grieved inconsolably for a year, and now he's slowly starting to adapt to the exigencies of everyday life. His guilt is a normal response, though, and it's O.K. for him to 'monitor' his thoughts of his partner. How else do we honor the people we once loved and cherished? Yes, he should move on in many respects - I'm sure his partner would have wanted it that way - but he must also devote at least some time every week to reflecting on the joy and happy times with his partner. %0D %0D Frankly, R29, you sound a bit detached too early on. It's one thing to 'live life', but it's another thing to prematurely end the first stages of the grieving process.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||01/02/2011|
It was two months since my partner died on New Year's Day, and it will be a year since his essentially terminal cancer diagnosis in two weeks. He really was a dashing, exemplary human being and I miss him terribly.
The stages of grief are quite strange when you're a caregiver, knowing what the end result is very, very likely to be. Oddly enough, there is so much "perfection" in how things were left that it's quite difficult for me to be sad for too long. We had a planned year off together before he was diagnosed, we had moved from Paris to SF and really love/d it here, I had gotten a great job amidst all of this and we said what we had to say to everyone and each other before he passed. Even the way he died was relatively painless - he had an inter-cranial hematoma and basically died in his drug-induced sleep - and was not a withering, painful cancer death. I am clear that I have done and am doing what he wanted, as we had plenty of time to discuss it in detail.
We had dealt with the tragic part of all this so well that I feel like I'm dealing with the just plain loss. And the loss all comes to the fore in the sequences and rituals that he was a part of. I have my moment and move on.
The worst of all this initial grieving was an acute guilt phase for a couple of weeks. I questioned nearly everything I had done for him as a caregiver, essentially wondering if I could have kept him alive longer or could have handled his last waking moments better. Thankfully, I have some friends who are therapists and I had my re-enactment of _Ordinary People_ and am out of that space. I read later that guilt is pretty much a given when caregivers grieve.
My partner, like OP's, is a tough act to follow and I don't know if I'll have that kind of relationship/love again. Would be nice if I did, but I know this is the kind of magic in a bottle that can only be intended, not made. I'll keep intending, but I'm not betting my life on getting that result. I would like some sex, though, considering I've been essentially celibate for a year. Problem is that I guess people "smell" how relationship-oriented I am and just want to take me on dates and not tricks. Oh well - my time will come I'm sure.
And while I'm at it: Thanks again for being available for my venting last year. It meant a great deal that my thread wasn't shot down by angry DL villagers, and that you were asking after me and my partner months after the thread had disappeared.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||01/02/2011|
I hope you're faring well these days, Mizez Slo. Take the happy memories, and relive those from time to time - they will bring you joy over the years to come, and your partner will be thankful that you remember him so fondly.%0D %0D As for the sex, well... There's always your hand. Sex will come when it does, but you really don't need to pressure yourself about it.%0D %0D Also, sending out love for the earlier posters who had commented on their losses... The happy times you all remember will be the bonds you share with your loved ones forever.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||01/02/2011|
Hi there, r37. I was wondering how you were doing. I'm really happy to hear to have people around you.%0D %0D OP, I can only add my best wishes to those given up thread. You loved him, and that is a great tribute to his life.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||01/02/2011|
I loved your thread, and I love you, Mizez Slocombe.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||01/02/2011|
Wow - sorry to hear about that Mizez. I know you moved all over the world for that guy.
Do you feel alone in SF?
|by Anonymous||reply 42||01/02/2011|
OP, a very good friend of mine's partner has stage 4 Hepatitis C. He's in the 10th or 11th month of chemo out of 14 months. It's scary seeing R getting thinner, more fragile and gray. He's now losing his bowel control and my friend is scared that he's going to lose R any day.
My friend thinks that he'll never find anyone like his love ever again (he's 48, R is 56?), but he has plenty of young lovers (they agreed that he could have lovers since R couldn't have sex anymore and lost his sex drive). The last guy that he had a fling with, he started getting emotionally involved, when the guy pushed him away 4 months ago, then died 2 weeks ago.
It's been a very emotional year for him. Is there anything I can say to him to help him, or it something that he has to work out on his own?
|by Anonymous||reply 43||01/02/2011|
Nah, I'm really OK. We moved here with the intention of settling down for ever, and the seed I planted by being so active volunteering in that first year have paid dividends. I made friends fast, knew some people here already and I've got work and the SF Gay Men's Chorus to keep me busy.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||01/02/2011|
The best thing to do, knowing what I know, is to make sure he's taking care of himself and managing his exhaustion levels. You may want to suggest a healthy habit of jacking off to pr0n (we're talking one hour edging sessions here) might be a good thing to do for a while instead of seeking out lovers. I think I would have gone crazy if I had ventured out, but relationships are like snowflakes and all that.
|by Anonymous||reply 45||01/02/2011|
Total non-snark here: thanks for a very moving thread & discussion. Mizez Slo, i had no idea. Hugs.
I am now partnered and deeply in love -- we're starting to really build a life together -- and I don't want to imagine losing him or subjecting him to that loss. I hope and pray we have full life spans ahead of us, but this thread is wise counsel that, in fact, anything can happen to anyone.
|by Anonymous||reply 46||01/03/2011|
"The last guy that he had a fling with, he started getting emotionally involved, when the guy pushed him away 4 months ago, then died 2 weeks ago."%0D %0D Is anyone else confused by this statement?
|by Anonymous||reply 47||01/03/2011|
Yes, R47. I do not understand it, but apparently the partner died after getting pushed 4 months ago.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||01/03/2011|
He (My Friend) had a long fling with a guy about 10 months ago. 4 months ago the Fling sent MF the wrong text (about MF) to him, and MF broke it off with him. The fling just died 2 weeks ago, but before he died, he told MF that he purposely drove him away, because he knew what MF was going through and didn't want to add to the burden (Fling knew he was dying, but didn't tell MF until right before he died).
Sorry if it doesn't make sense, I was getting a bit emotional describing it without boring people.
|by Anonymous||reply 49||01/03/2011|
OP, my partner and I have been together for 37 years. We've been part of each other's lives for so long I cannot even imagine life without him. But I can easily see or imagine that, twenty five years later, you're still missing him. I wish I was there to give you a big hug.%0D
|by Anonymous||reply 50||01/03/2011|
R35, you have no idea what you're talking about so just shut the fuck up.
|by Anonymous||reply 51||01/03/2011|
Everyone grieves in their own way. I mean, I don't believe in astrology but its wisdom lies in its respect for temperamental diversity: not expecting a Leo and a Virgo to be the same kinds of people.
Just because R29 is "moving on" with life at the 6 month mark, does not mean he has mentally wiped out the loved one he lost. Grief and loss will still come sometimes I am sure. It's just a different choice re: engagement with the present and future.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||01/03/2011|
If you don't like my opinion, R29, tough. It's a public forum, and I'll speak my mind.
|by Anonymous||reply 53||01/03/2011|
It may be a public forum, R35, but you still need to get a life.
|by Anonymous||reply 54||01/03/2011|
You're so presumptuous to assume that your model is viable for everyone else, R29/R54. I wouldn't have pressed back with mine if you hadn't first pressed your mantra on others.
|by Anonymous||reply 55||01/03/2011|
The person I was most in love with in my life, never became a lover or partner. It was an affair at best. And it was my good luck that we never became partners because he was so troubled.%0D %0D I just ended the second of two long-term relationships- or rather it followed it's course. Details are not important.%0D %0D While at 57 it is easy to give in to the idea that my time at the plate is over or that that part of my life has past. OP had a great relationship cut short by tragedy- I lost many dear friends as well- one lover, although after we had parted. I remained very much a part of his life and support system when he was sick. %0D %0D A few years ago a 65 year old friend of mine met and partnered with a wonderful guy in his mid 50s. My older friend was and is an optimistic energetic fellow always looking for happiness, with a great abundance of his own.%0D %0D Life goes on and while my chances of finding another partner, (even the OP cannot predict the outcome of his partnership has it not been cut short)- are diminished by age- they are by no means gone. %0D %0D One of my mottos (although I sometimes have trouble embracing it) is that it is not what happens to you in life, but how you respond to what happens. If you respond well to the good and the bad, you usually come out on top.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||01/03/2011|
Forgive me, but I lol'd at your name change, Widow Slocombe. %0D %0D You're amazing.
|by Anonymous||reply 57||01/04/2011|
As you should, R57.
Recall, faced with sudden death, the late Mr. Slocombe asked that we cackle to Whoopi Goldberg beating the living shit out of Jennifer Warren in _Fatal Beauty_. It was the last thing we did before we left the house for very risky brain surgery.
|by Anonymous||reply 58||01/04/2011|
My heart goes out to you OP. I wish I could make it better.
|by Anonymous||reply 59||01/04/2011|
Mizez Slo - I am in the sfgmc - and a longtime poster here - please reveal yourself at our next rehearsal :)
|by Anonymous||reply 60||01/04/2011|
OP,%0D %0D I'm sorry this has been so terrible for you. %0D %0D %0D I haven't had such a deep experience in my loss. I have suffered loss. When I was in my 20s, I lost my mother right in between three of my four grandparents. I was crushed over losing my mother in particulary because of guilt -- feeling that she was a better person in being a mother than I was in being a good enough person for her son. Then I focused on what was important: we were in each other's lives. (Something that hadn't been the case with other relatives in their parent-and-child relationships.)%0D %0D I don't have advice to you, OP. I think well-wishes (as much as what be conveyed) are appropriate. And I thank you for sharing yourself and giving me perspective on pain -- and the appreciations that I have with my own life.%0D
|by Anonymous||reply 61||01/04/2011|
R60, I was wondering if there were other SFGMC brothers here. If you want to know who I am, I'm #276.
|by Anonymous||reply 62||01/04/2011|
105 here - very sorry for your loss, but also glad u found the chorus and hope you are enjoying it.
See u Sunday !
|by Anonymous||reply 63||01/04/2011|
I lost my partner 16 years ago after 30 exceptional years together. We truly thought we were halves of the same soul. You might laugh at that but almost everyone who knew us felt the same. His death came suddenly though for several weeks before I had premonitions of it and in the last few days he did too. He called his doctor who told him we both were nuts and there was nothing wrong with him. The day of his death for me involved 600 miles of driving because I went home to visit many family and as soon as I arrived knew something terrible was about to happen and drove back. I found him on the floor near death. Even with the best help available, I grieved deeply for 12 years (!) but soldiered on with life. I am still in our home. So is he though not always. Even neighbors have seen him (I have dozens of stories). I have no doubt we will resume our partnership after I join him. I am proud that have gone on with life, our home, friendships and career and didn't become a recluse, as I easily could have. I still cry every day. Midwestern boy
|by Anonymous||reply 64||08/15/2012|
Finally a post on Data Lounge that really tugged at my heart. Although my partner of 17 years is still living. He recently had a health scare that truly opened my eyes to the fact that nothing is promised forever and one day either one of us may leave this earth and the other. This thread has made me realize that I have known love and have loved. So sorry OP for your loss. May the memories you have continue to embrace your heart and remind you of the love you shared with someone so special.
|by Anonymous||reply 65||08/15/2012|
Wow this old thread touched me. I lost a lover 26 years ago. After 10 years I entered another relationship, living together for 7 years. I went on with life, but people are not comensurate. Now I live alone and am content.
I miss my lost love and think of him often. I'm not too sad because I was lucky to have what many may never have. Just wish he could have lived longer for his own sake.
|by Anonymous||reply 66||08/15/2012|
Sorry - after 25 years you should have moved on. I've known too many men and women who use the "love of my life" bs as a badge of honor. Worked for the OP. He got his required "aws" and "love yous" and "oh we're so sorry for your loss."
The idea that you will only have one love is ridiculous. The idea that there are no other people out there just as hungry for love is stupid.
So "in our age-conscious"....???!!! Who's age-conscious? Another 50 year old? You?! Are they not pretty enough for you? Too demanding? Don't want to live in a shrine to someone who's been dead for 25 years?
Yep - no sympathy from me. Get help.
|by Anonymous||reply 67||08/15/2012|
I'm so sorry OP. Sending you a big hug.
|by Anonymous||reply 68||08/15/2012|
"The idea that you will only have one love is ridiculous."
IMO, most people don't even have ONE true love. A lucky few have one, and while I imagine a person could have two, I'd find that extremely unlikely.
Anyway, OP and others... Sounds like your lovers made you better people, which means they're still with you. :) If they weren't, you'd all go back to being the losers you were before meeting them.
|by Anonymous||reply 69||08/15/2012|
r67 I truly feel sorry for you. I hope you heed your own advice. Life is too short to be so nasty.
|by Anonymous||reply 70||08/15/2012|
While I feel great empathy for those of you who lost lovers and partners, the loss of dear friends can alter the course of one's life as well. I'm a woman, now 62, and from 1988-1992 I lost three of the most wonderful men I have ever known. I think about them with great fondness, and how amazed they would be by how things are now, and how different my life would be if they had lived. Sometimes I imagine the afterlife is like a big cocktail party and they are all waiting for me. I hope so. RIP John, Paul, and Jamie. I miss you.
|by Anonymous||reply 71||08/15/2012|
I know how you feel. I also lost my partner of 15 years 25 years ago. He was definitely my soulmate. He wanted us to grow old together and his family was wonderful to me. I think about him often. Our children are grown and doing well. I also met someone else although we don't live together and have been in a relationship of sorts for 10 years. But, I don't love him as I did my first partner. I do know I am fortunate to have someone care for me still.
I wish everyone well.
|by Anonymous||reply 72||11/18/2012|
OP, I'm a newbie to the club. I lost my partner of 21 years this past March. I'm struggling through my year of firsts. I'm functioning ok, but it is hard for me to smile. I'm grateful for my family and friends, but it doesn't come close to filling that void. I think about him all the time. I no longer tear up every day, but there are times little things will trigger deep melancholy.
|by Anonymous||reply 73||11/18/2012|
I'm sorry, OP. But, yah -- at least you know what love is.
I've been with my SO for 15 years, and I can't imagine life without him. I don't suppose I'd ever remarry, either...
|by Anonymous||reply 75||11/18/2012|
What a bunch of whiney cunts.
|by Anonymous||reply 76||11/18/2012|
R76 = 24 and 2 hawt 2 B believed
|by Anonymous||reply 77||11/18/2012|
Re76 I hope your life will bring you what you deserve !
|by Anonymous||reply 78||11/18/2012|
It already has r78! And frankly I dont give a fuck! LOL!!!!
|by Anonymous||reply 79||11/18/2012|
Easy to romanticize what didn't happen. The thing is: you ever know how things would have gone during the last 25 years. Maybe you'd have had a nasty breakup, he'd cheat on you or you'd grow tired of him. Just sayin'.
|by Anonymous||reply 80||11/18/2012|
I lost my partner 4 years ago. I kept in contact with his sisters for 2 years afterwards, but I haven't spoken to them for the last 2 years. There was no falling out or anything, rather we just lost contact. I didn't want to be an emotional burden on them, and they probably thought I met somebody else and moved on with my life.
For those of you who have lost partners, do you still have contact with your partner's families?
|by Anonymous||reply 81||11/18/2012|
OMG OP you brought tears to my eyes. If only everyone could find someone like you.
|by Anonymous||reply 82||11/18/2012|