Being Gay and Having Asperger''s Syndrome

Paging Rumpy ... paging Rumpy ...

The ones I've met are SO FRUSTRATING

and yet so sweet and touching.

Up for Assburger's.

I' pretty good wih one night stands. I totally suck at long term relationships. I think I have the world's record for being dumped. My longest relationship was with a guy just like me. I guess we knew what to expect.

I don't have relationships. Guys can't put up with my weirdness. I jack off a lot to Xtube, etc. Occasionally when I'm in a big city I hire an escort. There are two in SF I use who are cool with my Asperger's and the weird tangents I can go on.

Rupert Everett owns this thread.

[quote]Guys can't put up with my weirdness.%0D %0D Would you mind explaining, r5? I am fascinated with Asperger's syndrome.

R5, good for you.%0D %0D I've been without sex for so long, I can't even work up the courage to hire an escort at this point.%0D %0D I jackoff to internet porn and porn I downloaded from torrents. And spend most of my time by myself these days.%0D %0D

I'll post some of my responses later, but are there any groups or gatherings in New York City for gay Aspie's?

R9 - I'm in NJ. I wish there was a group in the NYC area.

What are the charateristics of Aspergers? ...social disconect, and...

R7, I don't really "get" what people mean by their look--the way the hold themselves or what's on their face. I am like a cat when I see certain patterns of light or shadow. I can get obsessed to the point of ignoring almost anything else, by the way a sheet drapes over a leg.

For R11:

I haven't had a date in years. I used to hook up with a guy who was older than me, he was cool but he never vocalized what he wanted from me so we just drifted apart. In general normal gay men scare me. They're all feeling and illogical behavior and that just doesn't sit well with me.

If I had more money I'd probably hire an escort too but I think that wouldn't go well either.

I once went on a retreat long-weekend for gay men, and one of the guys had Asperger's. I don't see how he could have had a relationship with someone:

- he wanted to be near other people but not touched too much

- he had all these rules in his head about food (for example, it was VERY BAD if two foods on the plate touched each other). The retreat center staff tried to accommodate him but they must have been like "WTF?" in the kitchen... some of his requests were really strange

- he obsessed about fabrics especially tactile ones. He sent us a long email after the program, listing the moments of his weekend experience through the lens of a clothing/fabric fetishist.

R15, sounds like he had a lot more going on than Asperger's. Like just plain OCD.%0D

Silly OP.

I have Asperger's and haven't had a relationship in years. One guy broke up with me precisely because of my unusual behavior and mannerisms. I have a very difficult time with social interaction and "small talk", as well as all the give and take that is part of a normal conversation.

On the positive side, if I become interested in something, I absorb every detail and analyze without emotion. Of course, the interest can become almost an obsession or fetish. I actually treat guys very well because I listen to them intently but the social interaction difficulties are usually what ends it. Also, my emotional needs are extremely limited. I want a guy for companionship and because of who he is, but not necessarily what he "does" for me emotionally.

I also add that I when I fall for a guy, which is rare, I fall hard, part of the same obsessional behavior, but I don't even know what to do go out with him or even approach him. For example, I met a guy who I think is gay but I'm not 100 percent sure. We have some limited contact and mutual acquaintances, and I'd definitely like to get to know him better. I don't know whether to approach him directly about it the next time I see him, send him a message, try to find out more from our mutual acquaintances or have them try to set us up. Those first steps are the most difficult for me as I simply don't know what to do. It's almost like a social fog for me, or as if I'm from a different country or planet. Advice would be helpful.

I always thought Glenn Gould was a gay with AS, but it turns out he wasn't gay.

I've been wondering if I might have a form of Asperger's Syndrome for some time. I have a similar problems with "subtle" social interactions, r9, so when I'm interested in a guy, I just ask him out directly. Recently I was on a "date" with a straight guy who didn't realize that it was supposed to be a date, he just thought I was trying to strike up a friendship :/ It was a bit awkward when I revealed that it had actually been meant as a date afterwards, but he was cool with it, didn't freak out or anything.

I meant r19, not r9.

R19, here. I would find it very difficult to do what R21 does and ask a guy out directly because I wouldn't know about the social clues or whether I'm doing it correctly. I don't even know the words to use like, "Would you like to go out some time?" or, "Would you like to go to dinner?" I'm afraid my intentions would be misconstrued, as they were for R21, or that I wouldn't read the situation correctly.

For example, with the guy I'm interested now, we have had some nice times and shared quite a bit in a group situation, but none of our mutual acquaintances even know whether he's gay, and I've asked them. So I don't know how to approach him or even whether to do so.

Thank you, r12.

Up for some advice (I'm R19/R23). Thanks.

Robotic, unemotional, unimaginative. Something is very off about these people.

ASS BURGERS? Heh heh..

"Robotic, unemotional, unimaginative." I would agree with robotic and unemotional, to a degree, but not entirely. I have emotions, but they are just very subdued and basic. I don't "feel" much or often. However, I can get passionate about something, but in a more mental than emotional manner. I disagree completely about being unimaginative. I can be very creative, especially in areas in which I have an intense interest. In fact, given that my brain "works" differently, I believe my imagination takes me down roads others don't even contemplate and comes to unique solutions. The social aspect is where many things fail, however.

But I don't think aspergers people have an emotional or artistic imagination. It's more along the lines of science and star trek if you ask me.

r29 You have no idea what you are talking about.

There is no Asperger's. It's been subsumed under autism.

r31 Not yet.

Reading these posts, I wonder if I might have undiagnosed Asperger's. How do they test for it?

I have no idea how they test for it. I can't look anyone in the eye. I have people I hang with but really don't have any friends. I have no real emotions. I'm just flat - no highs or lows. I can't stand being touched unless I want to get laid. I don't kiss anyone, I spent years working as an archeologist classifying stone tools. It was my obsession. Then I got bored and became an economist building economic models. I spent so many years in grad school where most guys were like me that I didn't really notice how different I was. In the work world I don't fit in at all.

Keanu Reeves owns this thread.

OMG I've got this shit.%0D %0D It makes so much sense now. %0D %0D Thank you guys%0D %0D I knew it wasn't only the depression.%0D %0D Can't wait till I get health insurance so I can get diagnosed.%0D %0D What do they do to treat this?

But I don't think aspergers people have an emotional or artistic imagination. It's more along the lines of science and star trek if you ask me.%0D %0D I think I have this and I'm totally artistic.%0D %0D A lot of why I can't keep a job is because I'm artsy & can't do the 9 to 5.%0D %0D I really taught I was crazy but this totally makes sense now.%0D %0D I've got Ass Burgers!

Everybodys gotta have a label....

I also add that I when I fall for a guy, which is rare, I fall hard, part of the same obsessional behavior, but I don't even know what to do go out with him or even approach him.%0D %0D %0D %0D Me too.

r36

You can't cure Autism. It's just something you live with.

"I also add that I when I fall for a guy, which is rare, I fall hard, part of the same obsessional behavior, but I don't even know what to do go out with him or even approach him. Me too." So how does one approach a guy? I'm serious. I'm not looking for a one night stand but just to slowly start dating someone and see what happens, but I don't even know how to begin the process. When I was in college, sex was rather readily accessible but now that I'm older, I just want a nice romantic relationship, but don't even know where to start when I meet a guy I like.

Well R36, there are mo magic drugs or treatments. There is some behavioural therapy that makes it easier for me to be in the work world, and letting people I work with know that Steve is different and what that means has been very helpful.

It isn't seen as a medical condition (at least not by my insurer).

Would it be easier for a psychopath to con someone with Asperger's than to con someone who doesn't have Asperger's?%0D %0D I knew a married couple and I swear in hindsight, the guy had Asperger's and the woman was a psychopath. She drove him to two nervous breakdowns before he finally booted her ass to the curb.

Wow, I'm glad I found this. Some of the comments border on insensitive, but I think it's because people in general don't understand Asperger's ... it's one of those syndromes that make people seem normal at first glance, so others don't believe there's anything wrong with them (like vertigo, when I had that everyone thought I was making it up and it wasn't until I fell over and hurt myself that they believed me). I just got diagnosed at the Bressler Clinic at Mass. General Hospital in Boston. They are doing a big study on adults who have lived with Asperger's for years, before it was even known about (that describes me). I've done a lot of things to help myself over the years (I'm 58), but I still can't ask guys out on dates or maintain a relationship. I've only had two short-lived ones. I can't read body language at all, and stumble into bad situations without any warning that something is already very wrong. Right now I'm taking meds for the anxiety and depression that this has caused me over the years, but I'm also trying cognitive behavioral therapy with my therapist for learning social skills -- and I've joined the AANE, the American Asperger's Association of New England. I went to a support group last night, but unfortunately some people with Asperger's can be somewhat homophobic. I think I'd like to find a gay men's Asperger's group, but I haven't been able to find one here in Boston. Barring that, I'm going to join a gay men's intimacy group that's offered through the Fenway Community Health Center ... but I'm not sure how that will go, either, because I may end up being the only one in the group with Asperger's.

Why did I suspect that Datalounge would be a hotbed of Asperger's sufferers?

I'm 29. I have enormous difficulty with physical and emotional intimacy. I get off on strippers and escorts because even though I enjoy touching, I don't really enjoy being touched. I crush on straight men because I know they're unavailable, and avoid having gay friends because I feel inadequate. I have a few mostly straight friends but I'm not really terrible close to anyone. I hate going to parties and bars. When I make small talk I almost always do all the probing but never share anything about myself. In general I don't care about other people and their problems but I listen anyway. I have a very small comfort zone and often steadfastly refuse to do anything that ventures outside of it, including playing sports or participating in group activities like yoga or spin class, eating exotic foods, swimming, or riding roller coasters.

I'm going to be moving to a new city soon and I'm going to try to take corrective steps to living a more normal life; although I'm genuinely curious as to how normal I can be. I suspect it may take a bit of intensive therapy before I'm able to pursue a relationship.

I'm borderline and in a relationship for 10 years now. Image having to put up with a bill gates for that long?

That's wrong; Do it over. What you mean you can't multiply that? Smells like a sewer in here. Your breath smells like you just ate a canary.

Sometimes, I think he wants to kill me.

What meds do you take for Asperger's?

R47, I don't think it's something you treat with meds.

The meds I take aren't for Asperger's, rather I've been on them for years because of the depression and anxiety it has caused me (Remeron and Klonopin). It's true, there are no meds for Asperger's, but my doctor has just added a third for me that he think will help with my being more relaxed in social situations: buspirone. I haven't noticed a difference yet, I've only been on it a couple of weeks ... except that it has helped me sleep better. Again, though, even buspirone is not for Asperger's. IT WOULD BE NICE if they did find a drug for Asperger's, though! Any such breakthrough would probably be good news for autism patients, too, because Asperberger's is part of the autism spectrum disorders.

One other thing -- gay men can be so critical! Another reason it's hard to be gay and have Asperberger's. I've been publicly criticized for my lack of fashion sense, among other things, by my gay "friends."

R45

Wow, you almost described me perfectly! I was diagnosed this year in the first week of February in my state.

Nearly everything you've said is my exact situation. Here's a question for you... have any of your interests led you to finding good work?

I have a lot of sensory problems and obviously the social stuff and it makes working and holding a job a pain in the ass. I can't incorporate what interests me into work, at least not where I live currently.

They told me I have "high-functioning" Asperger's, which reflects the fact that I get obsessed with science and get pretty good at it ... which is probably why I became a lab tech many years ago. However, I have problems at work. Social situations with my co-workers get toxic and I don't even realize it's happening until they yell at me. I've managed to keep the same job for many years now, but my strategy has been when things get to be too much, I switch to a different shift and therefore a whole new set of co-workers. But I'm running out of shifts.

R50: that's very interesting.

Regarding career, I pursued a dead-end degree in college (fine art) and had absolutely no career path planned upon graduation. I had a vague idea of some administrative career in the arts, but I avoided doing the necessary legwork/networking that is mandatory for making that happen. I worked in an independent bookstore and temped to pay the bills. Temping worked well for me because I'm terrible at interviews.

I would gladly be fuck buddy to a cute aspie gay! Nerds are so cute and I love quirky oddballs.

Half of you cunts just think you have Asperger's. The rest might as well say they have Fibromyalgia.

I recommend not taking any meds if you can help it, therapy is the best route to help you learn social skills. If you really feel like you need to take something to reduce your social anxiety then I recommend taking Omega 3 Fish oil pills, they are a natural mood stabilizer and good for your brain, this was recommended by a Dr. to me as a natural vs pharma way to help autistic children and adults take the edge off.

Check out Autism Speaks site for more info on autism and meet up groups in your area.

Remember, R54--there are some people out there who believe that your form of cruelty and ignorance should be culled from the human herd. Don't forget that. Okay? ;)

It's a new era.....

I find it hard to believe RE as Aspie, not hard to believe KR.

Aspergers is the "I desperately want to be different" syndrome.

Thank you those of you who have posted such supportive and kind answers. I wish there was a way we could continue this discussion, but one of the social skills I certainly don't have is how to deal with hateful comments on the internet, a few of which can be seen before this. So, goodbye, it was nice talk to MOST of you! I found some of the hateful comments so discouraging that I can't visit here again. It's ironic that gay people have been treated so badly by society, but sometimes we treat EACH OTHER even worse.

i've been going to science fiction cons since the late seventies/early eighties - know HEAPS of aspy people - many of whom aren't officially diagnosed as such - but after that long around SF fandom - you get to know the signs and can spot 'em a mile away...

male/female, gay/straight - many of these people have become close friends and i really value having 'em in my life - they have a lot to offer & truly unique perspectives on some stuff - but you sometimes do have to learn how to cope with obsessional bahavior, etc.

a lot of em are really clever in their chosen fields - often computer-related or science - and do very well career-wise as well.

the people i feel really sorry for are the aspy ones who don't particularly like F&SF & therefore never discover fandom. while it's not always one big happy family in fandom - i think it's certainly more accepting - or at least used to! - people who can be a little different to the 'norm' (or as I like to think of it 'the mundane').

there were even some panel and discussion items at some american cons i went to a few years ago about being aspy, loving someone aspy - having aspy kids even (supposedly a very high incidence of autistic spectrum in the offsprinmg when two F&SF fans spawn!)

several years ago i met a lovely retired american school teacher on vacation in italy - and we stayed in touch - and eventually when in the USA i went to visit her and her family - and she was a little nervous - cos her husband was 'eccentric' and wasn't good with new people...

we got along famously! he loved me. kept telling everyone how i 'really got him' and understood where he was coming from...

well - duh! i've spent nearly thirty years of my life hanging out with people just like him.

if only he'd gone to a con when he was younger - i suspect he could have avoided a whole lifetime of feeling like the odd one out & the subsequent depression and alcoholism he went through (and even as an oldster he was a fit, attractive man - the pictures i saw of him when he was young: he was a knockout! he would have been soooo popular among all the fannish girls - and boys!) poor guy!

Gayspergers

Based on r44's post one sign of Asperger's is failure to separate lenghy messages by using paragraphs.

Asberger's must be tough, but just try dating with Tourette's like I have, ASSHOLE FUCKER. Not that it sometimes doesn't help cut to the chase.

i would love to have asperger's, it seems like one of the best of the 'isms'. it seems so exotic and makes my bipolar so pedestrian.

any pointers how i can pass the diagnosis? what to say/do?

I once hooked up a few times with a cat. Well, officially a man. But every single time we had sex, he ended me meowing. Aspergers? Or just a typical DLer?

Most gay men have assburgers.

I didn't think I would ever come back here after the vicious comments that were first posted about gay men with Asperger's. However, I'm glad to see that a moderator seems to have removed them. I still am VERY nervous about posting on here, because of the description of this forum: "DataLounge get your fix of gay gossip, news and pointless bitchery." So this will be a quick message and then I'll be gone.

I found a much better site for gay men with Asperger's. It's at the link, and it's moderated. There are tons of straight people on there with exactly the same relationship problems. I was shocked to discover that straight people with Asperger's are far more unlikely to be homophobic. Maybe because there are more important things we're all dealing with, like how to make friends and get into a relationship?

r68 Yes, that is a great website.

Yes, that is a great website Alan. I'm glad you've found a much more welcoming community.

Aspbergs is the fake illness of the 2010s

Multiple Personality =70s

Dyslexia = 80s

Fibromyalgia = 90s

Austims = 00s

I have both Asperger's and ADHD. The AS is pretty mild and I can usually fake it. Unfortunately, the meds (Ritalin) for my ADHD allow my AS to flourish.

I was almost completely non-verbal until I was four, speaking only to my sister - and that was non-stop. I was home schooled until I was old enough for secondary school because I could not tolerate what the ADHD meds did to me. I also have SAD (Social Affective Disorder).

I'm a bit of a savant in that I can instantly do mathematical equations in my head, for instance, I can immediately convert from Fahrenheit to Celsius even though if you asked me to explain how I did it, I couldn't tell you.

I have major trouble meeting guys. I have no way of discerning if a guy is interested in me and, if I finally figure out that he is interested, I usually run away screaming. I also have trouble picking up on signs about what a guy wants - whether it is a one-nighter or he's interested in a relationship. This has led me to making a few mistakes when I thought a guy was interested in pursuing a relationship when he is not.

I'm also brutally honest, although I have been able to modify that over the years. I am no good at game-playing within a relationship either, because I don't pick up on the cues that the other person is sending.

I tend to get hyper-focused about things, which can scare guys away. Unfortunately, I am totally unable to focus on something if I'm not interested in it, so I am not very empathetic to what other people enjoy.

A gay man should never admit he has ass burgers. Ever.

[quote]They told me I have "high-functioning" Asperger's, which reflects the fact that I get obsessed with science and get pretty good at it ... which is probably why I became a lab tech many years ago. However, I have problems at work. Social situations with my co-workers get toxic and I don't even realize it's happening until they yell at me. I've managed to keep the same job for many years now, but my strategy has been when things get to be too much, I switch to a different shift and therefore a whole new set of co-workers. But I'm running out of shifts.

I find it suspicious that you are aware of your behavior. Almost bragging about it. Which makes me question the validity of assburgers.

[quote]I've managed to keep the same job for many years now, but my strategy has been when things get to be too much, I switch to a different shift and therefore a whole new set of co-workers.

This is called laziness.

R71, If I were your doctor I would diagnose you with hypochondria and prescribe you therapy. You need to discuss your *need* to have disorders.

Damn, R74, it's a good thing I didn't mention my OCD. I don't take meds for anything except my ADHD, because I wouldn't be able to attend school without it. Why do you think I'm a hypochondriac?

Years and years of research and practice, R75.

Of course R70 can't even spell it correctly.

Asshole.

Lord the number of MDs with Asperger's would make your head spin.

Proceed with caution.

I know a guy who has big time AS. He's just "odd". He will walk towards you staring at you silently. Then just as you're ready to say hello to him, he'll look away. He eats with his mouth open. He can't make small talk to save his life.

On the other hand, he's very good with numbers, doing multiplication and even long division in his head.

He's in charge of the cheese and wine department at our local Whole Foods, so he's doing okay for an Aspie.

"On the positive side, if I become interested in something, I absorb every detail and analyze without emotion"

Sounds like Mitt Romney

I rolled my eyes so hard they fell out of my skull at R79.

Do you guys wash up?

I know that personal hygiene is an issue with Asperger's.

Sometimes I wish I had Asperger's so I didn't have to feel so much pain.

I wish I could be happy in my own little self-centered existance where I had no compulsion to please anyone else. People-pleasing has been my downfall in life and Aspie's just don't play that game.

Also, I wish life would be as simple as getting a rush from touching flannel.

On the scale of Modern-day signs of the Apocalypse here is the breakdown:

sociopaths--narcissists--asperger's--vanity--meth heads--celebrities--bad parents--school bus bullies--walmart shoppers--preachers--cat shit parasite.

In that order.

Sometimes I wish I had Asperger's too, so I can tell everybody I have Asperger's.

Hey Asperger's guys, SNAP OUT OF IT!

Anyone know if Angie Dickenson's/ Burt Bacharach's poor daughter , Nikki, was a lesbian ? I read lots of stories of her isolating life, some by Angie, and seemed to remember her with a woman - but not sure.

Ass burgers

lick da ass

Hello,I am a single gay male aged 65,I have been told that I have aspects of Aspurger's Syndrome.I like to think I am sincere, honest and caring.I welcome friends of all nationalities who are understanding and caring.I live on the south coast of England, in Bognor Regis, in my own apartment, two minutes walk to the sea. Email me, please, at: cosmicchap@yahoo.co.uk Very good Wishes and hope you will want to reply.

I get really nervous when doing sexual stuff with somebody. I've been with the same guy for almost 3 years, but I still get really nervous. It's frustrating because I don't want to make him think that I'm not attracted to him or anything. Then there are times where i start talking during sexual stuff, and i go on for ages and the mood just goes.

I am gay with aspergers. I have never had a relationship in my life. I am 49 years old. I have 1 close friend who is not gay. I am alone most of the time. I don't like being around gay men and I have given up on finding love. I have also hired escorts a few times because I can't find anyone who I click with. I thought I was the only one like this...just reading this blog makes me feel a little better just knowing there are others out there like me. I am very alone...most of the time that's ok with me but I do crave human interaction and affection.