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Needy elderly parents annoying me.

My father was a terrible parent. My parents were divorced when I was young, and he ran off without paying child support for years. He is now in his late 60s and alone. He calls at least once a week whining about how lonely he is, begging for phone calls, and wondering why no one calls him (we all have our own lives and he is really unpleasant and negative). My partner's parents do the same shit. They ignored her as a child, and she was left alone and scared after school daily until late at night (10pm) from the age of 7 on (both worked 2 jobs but couldn't afford a babysitter for some reason). They also locked her in a closet when she misbehaved. Yet now that they are retired they insist on visiting once a month, and call on an almost daily basis (I won't answer the phone when they call because its so fucking annoying). They want to move to our city once they sell their house. People have a lot of nerve. Seriously, to abuse and ignore your children when they are young, and then expect phone calls and attention when you get old and lonely is selfish and ridiculous.

by Anonymousreply 3812/04/2012

late sixties is not elderly.

by Anonymousreply 104/30/2010

Neither one of you owe your (respective) family jack shit, op.

I do not really have a good answer for either one of you. Sorry. I had a horribly abusive childhood and I am in therapy for it. So, I am not there yet. Sorry.

But, if you have a parent who was abusive, then it can pop up again when you are grown. Trust me on that! And, that is why I think that neither one of you owe your (respective) family jack shit.

by Anonymousreply 204/30/2010

You sound like me until about five years ago.

Then somewhere around 30 I realized that I am a grown up and learned to give my parents attention without letting them get under my skin.

Sometimes, parents can have regrets as well. Of course, maybe I would have felt different if I was beaten or raped, but it doesn't sound like your parents did that either.

by Anonymousreply 304/30/2010

Do you talk to your parents, r2? Have they apologized for their behavior when you were younger? My father has apologized. He probably is really sorry. He has no friends or family, is retired, and now has hours on end to do nothing but sit around thinking about how badly he fucked up. It really is too late to have a close relationship though, and I have no interest in taking care of him when he gets older and needs help (after all he wasn't there for me). My partner's parents are different story. They make 50,000 excuses for their behavior, including the fact that they were 17 when they had her and didn't know any better. Her parents are older than my dad, and I know they are moving here so that someone is around to take care of them. I want to be compassionate to a point. I don't mind once a month phone calls, but they are all going into a home at some point. If you can't take proper care of your children when they are young, you shouldn't expect them to take care of you when you get old.

by Anonymousreply 404/30/2010

[late sixties is not elderly]

You sound ancient.

by Anonymousreply 504/30/2010

Sound like my parents, OP. Some bad shit went down in that house when I was too little to fight back, and all they cared about was maintaining the facade of the perfect family. They even convinced themselves that it really WAS perfect, and that their children should be grateful and adoring.

My favorite was the time I confronted them about some of the worst stuff as an adult, and then went to a family therapist... without me. Not to help me, or to help the family unit rebuild, but because then they could tell everyone that they'd done what a perfect family would do.

I'm staying far, far away from them. There's no hope of a good relationship there.

by Anonymousreply 604/30/2010

R2 do you still talk to your parents? If so, how do you deal with them?

by Anonymousreply 704/30/2010

You can always show your partners' parents the closet and tell them that's your guest room.

by Anonymousreply 804/30/2010

Punch and Delete.

Caller ID is your savior.

by Anonymousreply 904/30/2010

I never believe people when they complain about their parents.

My sister always complains about our parents and she's a terrible mother.

by Anonymousreply 1004/30/2010

I feel kinda bad that I have cut off my mother. The old man died last year. When I went back for his last days, he was not even interested. She was a total bitch, as were my sisters. I've just decided that after that visit, I wasn't gonna gloss over their abusive neglectful behaviour and I'll keep away. Now my mother calls and I see the number and don't pick up. I'm sure she has no idea why I am absent. And I'm too over it to explain it to her.

by Anonymousreply 1104/30/2010

I'm on the every six months for three hours plan with my parents. I know they love me, I love them: For three hours every six months. I recently read "The Glass Castle", by Jannette Walls, it gave me perspective.

by Anonymousreply 1205/02/2010

My partner's father was a horror. He mistreated my partner's mom (who left him after 16 years of abuse). He mistreated all 8 of his children, not physically but verbally. I've heard all about it from my partner, his siblings and his mother. None of them will have anyhthing to do with dear old dad who is now old and alone and bitter. He is very bitter. What he is NOT is able to admit he was a huge asshole. My partner talkes to him by phone once a month. He usually ends up hanging up when dad starts talking his right wing political crap. Glad my parents were normal.

by Anonymousreply 1305/02/2010

I hate my parents but I pretend to like them because of my 4.5 million $ inheritance.

by Anonymousreply 1405/02/2010

Same thing here--the only reason I'm staying is because of the high possibility of an inheritance. If they were to change the will for whatever reason and decrease or remove my allocation, I'd be gone in two seconds leaving nothing but a note which would say "I've decided to move on in my life and cut ties with everything and everybody in my past--because of this, I'm not leaving a forwarding address nor do I want any contact with anyone from my past, including you

by Anonymousreply 1511/16/2012

ive got a different sort of problem. My parents divorced when i was 8 . i was terrified from that age till 15 as my stepfather was an abusive alcoholic.My father remained single and was always there for us, not far away. My mother was a workaholic so never saw much of the abuse yet switched off to me thinking it was just because i wanted my father to be with her instead. Anyway im 46 today and my problem is ..for the past 10 yrs my mum and dad , though separated both call in 10 minutes each EVERYDAY, like checking up or protecting me or something. My brother has a set time of the week that they can visit ,i tried that but then i was seeing them more !! ive tried to tell them then its all good for 2 days then back to usual. ive even felt ridiculous in the house pretending not to be home !!, but i cant live that way. I have three adult children of my own !! My parents are causing me to be unhappy and miserable as i find it obsessive !!i dont even know what to talk to them about anymore as i only saw them just the day before and so on.

by Anonymousreply 1612/04/2012

These posts make me feel a lot better. It's always nice to know that other people have the same problems as I do.

My mother's hated me since before I was born, since she "got knocked up" in the back seat of my father's car and she "had to" get married. She is one of the most bitter people I know, and has never, ever said one good thing about me, even though I'm the only one in my family who got myself an education and made something out of my life.

She has never apologized for anything, even though she's been such a prick to me that sometimes YEARS have gone by when we haven't spoken to each other. But now that she's in her early 70's, and her younger sister was just buried, she's trying to buy my affection. God forbid that she should hand it to me in person, but she sent me a check in the mail for $800, money she told me before I could have if I acted the way she wants me to (long story, but you can fill in the blanks).

I told my sisters to tell her that I threw the check away. I don't need, nor do I want, her money.

The only thing I want from her is the only thing I have no chance of getting -- a heartfelt apology for taking out her pathetic life choices on me all these years. Well, fuck her.

by Anonymousreply 1712/04/2012

Did she make you call her "Mommie dearest"?

by Anonymousreply 1812/04/2012

OP and all, Thanks for sharing. I can relate to having abusive parents that seem impossible, and the feelings that go along with that.

If everyone took their thoughts on this to a personal blog, I would feel even more alone than I do.

by Anonymousreply 1912/04/2012

My father died a few months ago. It was hard because I haven't seen him in 15+ years (my choice). I got reacquainted with him 5 years ago, sensing he was going to die and I needed to forgive and get over my hatred of him before I lost my chance.

He was a right-wing fundie and we had a tense relationship from '07-'10, but I decided to stop judging him for being rigid and unable to see different perspectives, and just let his views roll off.

He never supported me growing up and visited a few times a year with stupid gifts (I will never forget the huge IBM selectric typewriter he plunked down on a restaurant table, to my mortification - so that i would write more, of course).

I had lots of family pressure, and he really wanted me to visit before he died and felt rejected when I made excuses, but I couldn't see why I should go out of my way after a lifetime of him not being there for me, so I didn't. I was careful in these last five years to only have email contact - he didn't know where I live or my phone # (he had a habit of just popping in when I was younger and I hate that). Because of this, I found out on Facebook that he died and was asked to call right away to make arrangements to burn up his body.

In retrospect, I cannot work with him to repair our relationship ever again, and I feel sad that we couldn't get more fixed between us before he went. But I have to be thankful that we made some progress, and be happy with that.

by Anonymousreply 2012/04/2012

My father died when I was a kid, so it's been just me and my mother for most of my life. I had a fucked up childhood, but we worked through it as adults. I was quite fucked up in my youth, but I have realised that so was she. We often laugh at how shitty life can be. Thankfully I have no desire for kids, and I won't be projecting damage onto them.

by Anonymousreply 2112/04/2012

Let's face it: the GLBT community is more likely to have strained parental relationships, given how our society has viewed (and still views) gays. Noone here who has had problems with parents is alone. It is the exception rather than the rule that a gay had a great, loving, supportive childhood.

Hopefully that will change for future generations.

by Anonymousreply 2212/04/2012

The fact that you would go on an open international forum and trash your father means that you probably aren't a good kid.

You certainly haven't learned anything by your suffering so it was wasted. Christ suffered and learned. You need to be grateful for what you got and you have not done that.

I would suspect you have rotten parents because you were a rotten kid.

It works both ways you know.

by Anonymousreply 2312/04/2012

When I hung up the phone it occured to me,he'd grown up just like me...

by Anonymousreply 2412/04/2012

People criticizing OP don't get it.

I sympathize and understand OP.

by Anonymousreply 2512/04/2012

R22 and R23, please take your weak agendas elsewhere. This isn't a thread about homophobia or religious lunatics.

by Anonymousreply 2612/04/2012

[quote]I would suspect you have rotten parents because you were a rotten kid. It works both ways you know.

That's exactly the mentality someone who abuses their kids and doesn't understand why they're resentful would have, R23.

It's not your place to judge another person's relationship with their parents.

by Anonymousreply 2712/04/2012

R23 = Margaret White

by Anonymousreply 2812/04/2012

At the risk of highjacking the thread and being told to get a blog, I'm asking the minds of Datalounge to help me with something: my father is the only remaining parent, an alcoholic who can't hide it anymore behind his well-paying position, social status and public facade. I know he cheated on my mom with her also alcoholic, mean girl - and fugly - suburban 'friends'. Many times, flagrantly.They were always the loud, tacky bitches I hated as a child. I think everybody in the neighborhood knew and knows, except my arrogant, disturbed, morbidly cheap and untrustworthy siblings. I'm the only one who knew. I blurted it out when I was eight, sort of as a joke, after deducing there was no way the man I unconvincingly called "Dad" was faithful. This was around when he began hitting me, and only me. My mom put him on the couch...for twenty five years. He'd creep up at two in the morning. I have never shared "good news" with my family, keep them at a distance, and since the are so cheap, they do not visit. My problem? I think the siblings are using some remaining money in the estate my mother left us for their own benefit. I get a small amount occasionally, but I recently had a gut feeling they are investing this shared money - reserved for taxes - and keeping the profits. I have no documentation of the account and left the matter to them. Based on my unvarnished examination of their individual character, I think trusting them with my finances is a mistake that should be corrected. I really want to cut the strings, but I'm not sure what to do about this money issue. I have no financial resources and I am on food stamps. It is a rough time - and they seem to enjoy that! Can anyone - maybe an attorney or a cut-the-shit DL expert - offer suggestions?

by Anonymousreply 2912/04/2012

R29 First suggestion: Learn about paragraphs.

by Anonymousreply 3012/04/2012

I think a lot of aging parents are the product of earlier codes of behavior, where adult children were expected to care for elderly family members, regardless of the quality or closeness of their relationships. I know my own parents assumed that burden for older family members, even those they loathed.

by Anonymousreply 3112/04/2012

R23, the fact that you would go on an international forum and criticize someone you don't know on a topic you know little if anything about shows that you are just the kind of person Christ would leave to your own devices. Good luck, and oh yeah, fuck off.

by Anonymousreply 3212/04/2012

R29, who is the executor? Or how did the estate pass to the beneficiaries?

by Anonymousreply 3312/04/2012

[quote]Christ suffered and learned

ROFLMAO.... And you expect us to take you seriously, R23?

by Anonymousreply 3412/04/2012

My mother died unexpectedly. She had a will and essentially left everything to my sister and eye with life estate interest to my step father. He managed to screw us out of all the money until he died. My sister sucked up to him for years while I told them both to fuck off. When he died my sister got a million dollars and I got nothing. Don't regret my decision.

by Anonymousreply 3512/04/2012

I don't know where to begin with my parents....

Father was a physically, mentally, sexual abusive nightmare. I haven't talked to him in 30 years. He favored my sister, brother and has showered them with lots of money and paid for my sister's daughter's college/car. He ignored me and my older brother.

I've posted this before, he turned over his $1M home to my sister, promptly wanted the deed back in his name. He has sued my sister and lost. She now has the deed to his house and I'm sure has no plans on sharing the proceeds with my siblings/me

My mother can be very loving or very mean. She has a low IQ and has some form if mental illness. She gave her life savings to my brother $60K who built a 3 family house; my mother lives in one of the apartments for several years (rent free). My brother the sold the house and mother now lives in subsidized government housing and gets food stamps, the works

My father is 89 and mother is 82

by Anonymousreply 3612/04/2012

[quote]When I hung up the phone it occured to me,he'd grown up just like me...

Is the cat in the cradle?

by Anonymousreply 3712/04/2012

My child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch and bills to pay He learned to walk while I was away And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin' home dad? I don't know when, but we'll get together then son You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok" And he walked away but his smile never dimmed And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin' home dad? I don't know when, but we'll get together then son You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day So much like a man I just had to say "Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?" He shook his head and said with a smile "What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin' home son? I don't know when, but we'll get together then dad You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away I called him up just the other day I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind" He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me He'd grown up just like me My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin' home son? I don't know when, but we'll get together then son You know we'll have a good time then

by Anonymousreply 3812/04/2012
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