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Open Letter to NYC''s Newest Porn Star, John Gechter

From Craigslist:

John! I know New York City will be quite a change from your conservative Christian school, so I thought I'd give you a few tips about surviving the summer. Good luck and don't let the sassy queens here or the Grove City College closet cases back there get you down.

x95 Donx92t move to Chelsea. Youx92ll end up plucking your eyebrows.

x95 The folks in Williamsburg will resent you for being employed, even if itx92s as a porn star.

x95 The kids in Hells Kitchen will want you because youx92re masculine.

x95 The men in the East Village will want you because youx92re boyish.

x95 The Latin studs in Washington Heights will want you because youx92re a bottom.

x95 The butchest ones will want you because theyx92ll think youx92re a top.

x95 Some math: twenty-one yo online = eighteen or younger in real life, twenty-four = twenty-four, twenty-nine = thirty-five, thirty-five = forty-seven.

x95 Donx92t sleep with actors, directors, bartenders or your neighbors. Youx92ll regret it, theyx92re all psychos.

x95 Have sex with at least three hot, interesting people your first week. Theyx92ll be your closest friends for the summer. After that, they'll cut you off because their boyfriends are jealous.

x95 Learn to play pool and donx92t shave your chest.

x95 The Lower East Side coke dens are great places to meet broke coke addicts.

x95 Fashion parties are great places to meet borderline pedophiles who will offer you work that never materializes.

x95 Dive bars are great places to meet alcoholics who want to be writers and smell like beer in the morning.

x95 Become a casual smoker. It gives you an excuse to take someone outside a bar or club and see them in the streetlight well enough to decide whether you really want to sleep with them.

x95 If someone invites you to stay at their house in Fire Island (and surely they will), youx92re no longer obligated to put out. Those are the old rules. Just wear a Speedo at all times. This will entitle you to do all their drugs and leave wet towels on the floor.

x95 Dog ownership and alcoholism donx92t mix.

x95 Boyfriends are sluts.

x95 Careers and boyfriends donx92t mix.

x95 Somehow boyfriends, promiscuity, dogs, alcoholism, fashion, Latins and employment do mix well together. All that polarity crosses itself out and shit.

See you on the Battery Park lawn!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 2May 16, 2009 8:44 PM

God. I've been working in yard too much.

I read that as "Oprah's Letter to NYC's Newest Porn Star, John Gechter"

I thought, why is she writing a letter to a porn star?

by Anonymousreply 1May 16, 2009 8:37 PM

But no Masturbate-o-thons.

And avoid large transvestites in muu-muus.

And if you get a slobberly "yum" in your ear that smells of day-old donuts, run like a motherfucker.

by Anonymousreply 2May 16, 2009 8:44 PM
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