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Should I Support A Friend Wanting To Transition?

This is absolutely not a trolling thread. I'm in a genuine dilemma with a friend of mine.

He has very bad mental health, attention deficit disorder. He's forever starting projects and then abandoning them. He's meant to have been writing several non-fiction books for goodness how many years and they never get finished, that's if they ever get started in the first place. He posts constantly on social media about the latest thing he's working on, which invariably comes to nothing before something new catches his eye instead.

He's always been bisexual, and I've known he's had relationships with men and women.

Now of course I don't know what is going on inside his head but in the last year he's declared he's a "demi boy", then a "demi girl" and now he's "failed as a man" and wants to transition in his mid-40s.

I can just see this is heading for a huge car crash - if anyone was ever going to regret going down this path it's him. I can't believe for one second that this is going to make him any happier. As I say, I can't know what is really going on inside his head so I'm questioning if I need to intervene or try to talk him out of it or just leave well alone. But it really feels like he's latched on to declaring he's trans as just the latest diversion in trying to 'fix' himself.

He's already set up a go-fund-me to start treatment early next year (which mercifully few people have contributed to).

If it does make him happy then all power to him...but there are so many red flags I just think he's going to fuck himself up even more.

by Anonymousreply 34December 4, 2022 6:22 AM

The handful of people I know who have transitioned over the last 30 years before it was so popular have all been totally messed up in their personal lives which had nothing to do with their gender identity. All drama queens, every single one of them. After they transition they are happy for a little while but within a year or two they go right back to being just as unhappy as before. Same drama, now with a vagina.

by Anonymousreply 1December 2, 2022 10:30 AM

If “he's forever starting projects and then abandoning them”, you have your answer!

Maybe encourage him to volunteer at a homeless shelter or something over the winter to get him out of his own head and see that there are people with actual problems in the world.

by Anonymousreply 2December 2, 2022 10:32 AM

"He has very bad mental health". Should be the deal breaker there. Doctors shouldn't be performing them on the mentally ill. That will not turn out well,if he gets that far. Maybe he can raise enough for a nice mental health care place. If you cam raise $28-30k or more, you can get top of the line care in a spa like environment.

by Anonymousreply 3December 2, 2022 10:34 AM

Support = enabling his mental illness.

by Anonymousreply 4December 2, 2022 10:38 AM

[quote]He's forever starting projects and then abandoning them

Perhaps he will have an unfinished vagina

by Anonymousreply 5December 2, 2022 10:39 AM

Time to ghost this friend.

by Anonymousreply 6December 2, 2022 10:41 AM

Sounds like you look forward to the drama. Why do you have to be involved at all?

by Anonymousreply 7December 2, 2022 10:42 AM

You may want to start saving up for a high-qualty vaginal dilator to gift him next Christmas.

by Anonymousreply 8December 2, 2022 10:45 AM

That’s the whole point r3 - doctors have been performing surgeries on the mentally ill. There is an odious female Irish surgeon performing mastectomies en masse in Florida I think referring to the procedure as “yeets the teets” A ghoul of frightening proportions.

Mental illness can be treated but when vulnerable people are being encouraged down an irreversible road body modification is not the answer. A lot of the blame here lies with parents who would do anything other than have a gay child - look at the actions of Susie Green, recently standing down as CEO of Mermaids here in the UK - having sex reassignment on her young son because the father didn’t want a gay kid.

Your friend is extremely vulnerable. I’m not sure this is your fight.

by Anonymousreply 9December 2, 2022 10:47 AM

I'm not "looking forward to the drama" at all R7 - I think it's going to be awful.

I don't have to be involved - but I care for my friends and their wellbeing.

by Anonymousreply 10December 2, 2022 10:48 AM

Estrogen will just increase his mood swings; it’s a known cause of depression in women. He will initially feel euphoric and then crash and burn. Messing with your natural hormone levels is bad news.

Question *any* need for surgery, whether it be breast implants or the genitals. These men aren’t getting vaginas, they’re getting their penises inverted and stuffed up their pelvic cavity. The skin is still penis and ball skin, it doesn’t magically become a mucosal canal. These men often get hair balls and have to douche and dilate for life.

The best you can try for is getting him out of the online echo chambers that are encouraging him. Get him walking outside, volunteering, working on a screens-free hobby.

Good luck OP. But start preparing to let go.

by Anonymousreply 11December 2, 2022 11:11 AM

You can't stop him if he's hell bent on this course, but I would give him your opinion. I'd certainly voice my concern to my friend. He may not like it though.

by Anonymousreply 12December 2, 2022 11:11 AM

[quote]Messing with your natural hormone levels is bad news.

Wise words. Heed this warning.

by Anonymousreply 13December 2, 2022 11:20 AM

That's what worries me R12 - I'm seeing so many other friends 'affirming' this decision, because we've all been sternly told that's what you do with people setting out on this process. I'm far from being an 'anti-trans loon' before any TRA leaps on me but *in this case* I can't see this being anything but an utter disaster.

by Anonymousreply 14December 2, 2022 11:22 AM

If he's genuinely your friend, then voice your concerns in a very diplomatic way once, maybe twice, but not enough to alienate him. If he still insists on doing it, it's between him and his doctors. In the end, it's his decision.

Then, you have to decide whether you're good enough friends with them that you'll support them, despite thinking it a mistake. All you can do is decide for yourself whether you're willing to support him throughout the process (and possibly drama) for friendship's sake or not.

by Anonymousreply 15December 2, 2022 11:31 AM

Make sure he knows you claim his stuff!

by Anonymousreply 16December 2, 2022 11:35 AM

R14 An "udder disaster" as well

by Anonymousreply 17December 2, 2022 11:57 AM

I would be afraid for my friend and it sounds like you are- but there is really nothing you can do but try to get him to put on the brakes and try to there for him in whatever he decides. It sounds sad and exhausting from here.

by Anonymousreply 18December 2, 2022 1:51 PM

A few questions for OP.

A slightly more than an acquaintance of mine decided he wanted to transition. His psychologist required him to start presenting as a female before starting hormone therapy. After many months of living as a woman, he gave up and now identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. I think that the living as a woman phase demonstrated to them that life was not, in fact, better. Has your friend gone through this phase pre-surgery?

Are you a close enough of a friend to coax him into finishing one or two of the abandoned projects first, sort of a "show yourself you can commit" experiment? Imagining an end to something starkly contrasts with actually finishing something.

Has your friend asked for your input and/or advice? If yes, be gentle but honest. If not, well, you know the answer.

by Anonymousreply 19December 2, 2022 2:05 PM

Start by explaining to your friend he's not a caterpillar, that humans cannot "transition", "transform", or "change into anything else. That all the medical intervention in the world will not change one iota that with which he came into the world. Suggest counselling to come to terms with his identity issues, and/or a Year 9 biology course.

by Anonymousreply 20December 2, 2022 2:17 PM

Thanks for the considered questions R19

I don't think he has, he wears unisex clothing. But he has invested in a wig. Actually you've just made me think - throughout all of this which has, as far as I can tell, come completely out of the blue over the last few months - he's never once said 'I'm female' or 'I think I'm the wrong sex'. As I mentioned in the first post the key thing he's said was "I've failed as a man". I think that upsets me more than anything. There are as many ways to be a man as there are men so this is where I do have a problem. You can a big butch hairy jock and you're a man. You can be a big femme nelly and you're still a man.

Having thought about it a lot since I started this thread, I think the trans thing is a bit of a red herring. He just wants to change *something* / *anything* rather than face up to more fundamental issues. If ever there was a trans-trender it would be him. But as I said, he's in his mid-40s, he's not a messed up teenager being unduly influenced by Tumblr or whatever. Maybe he's just very emotionally immature. This is far more about mental health than anything to do with gender.

And no he hasn't asked for any advice. 99% of people I know who know him and just applauding his bravery. Whether that's some weird group think I don't know. I just wonder if any of the others are thinking "Hang on a minute...". I guess someone has to be brave and break ranks. But I will be honest - I'm wary of the pile on and being labelled transphobic for even bringing it up. TRA's have created such a toxic environment around this that it becomes (ironically) a totally binary issue. You're either behind it all 100% or you're an evil transphobe.

by Anonymousreply 21December 2, 2022 3:17 PM

R9 And to add on, transitioning is the only time a mentally ill person gets to pick out their medical treatment and guide the doctors with what they want. Some want hormones, some wants implants, some want a vagina, etc. They get to shop until their body dysmorphia away!

It sounds so wrong when you think about it.

by Anonymousreply 22December 2, 2022 3:23 PM

[quote]Then, you have to decide whether you're good enough friends with them that you'll support them, despite thinking it a mistake.

Horseshit.

Being a friend means refusing to co-sign someone else’s self-destructive nonsense, rather than taking the easy, yes EASY, way out of just nodding and smiling.

Have you given to his GoFundMe, OP?

If you have, you’re no friend, you just want to look like someone who’s his friend.

If you haven’t, be prepared for when he asks you why not. And by be prepared, I don’t mean brace yourself.

I mean be prepared to spell out why you think this is a bad idea.

Start with the plain and simple fact that no matter what he does to the outside if his body, he’ll still have the same brain inside his body.

That same brain, though wearing a wig and a dress and fake breasts, will still procrastinate, still be easily distracted, etc.

Go with the advice of the above poster that suggested supporting him through one or more of his significant, unrealized goals.

Support him in altering his approach to what matters to him.

If after finishing several or even one of his novels he still wants to transition, then promise you’ll have an open conversation about the possibility of supporting him through a transition, but not until then.

by Anonymousreply 23December 2, 2022 3:49 PM

No I've not given to his go-fund-me and I never ever would.

I think if this is so important to you, you'd fund it yourself.

I wouldn't be surprised if he rakes in the cash and then decides not to do it.

by Anonymousreply 24December 2, 2022 4:02 PM

I would try to reach out to his therapist and voice your concerns. You can provide context that's he not giving. Send a letter if you can't do it by phone.

by Anonymousreply 25December 2, 2022 7:50 PM

R1, hardly anyone had transitioned. The idea that it's super popular isn't supported by any evidence

This is a troll thread

by Anonymousreply 26December 2, 2022 7:53 PM

R22 is another troll. Conservatives said homosexuality was a mental disorder, too

by Anonymousreply 27December 2, 2022 7:55 PM

How about giving your friend a good slap and telling him to stop being a twat?

by Anonymousreply 28December 2, 2022 8:54 PM

[quote]Time to ghost this friend.

Time to ghost this thread.

by Anonymousreply 29December 3, 2022 6:13 AM

R28 - believe me I've wanted to.

by Anonymousreply 30December 3, 2022 7:20 AM

[quote] "I've failed as a man".

Does he realize how sexist that is? Failed as a man but if he were a woman it would be a lot easier?

He sure talks like a man. Just saying.

by Anonymousreply 31December 3, 2022 7:34 AM

Yes he does. He is a man. I have never observed anything I would say were feminine traits. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

by Anonymousreply 32December 3, 2022 9:02 PM

I’ll take questions no true DLer would ask on DataLounge for 500, Alex!

by Anonymousreply 33December 3, 2022 9:13 PM

R27 Drapetomania was also a mental illness runaway slaves had.

What’s your point?

Mutilating your body is illness. Studies even suggest tattoos and piercings are linked to mental illness. So how could cutting off your cock or chopping off your tits be different?

If you believe differently, then you should also be in favor of “trans abled” people cutting off their limbs to feel disabled.

by Anonymousreply 34December 4, 2022 6:22 AM
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