Norah Vincent, lesbian who chronicled passing as a man in her 2006 bestseller "Self Made Man", is dead at 53...

In the winter of 2003, Norah Vincent, a 35-year-old journalist, began to practice passing as a man.

With the help of a makeup artist, she learned to simulate stubble by snipping bits of wool and painting them on her chin. She wore her hair, already short, cut in a flattop, and bought rectangular framed glasses, to accentuate the angles of her face. She weight-trained to build up the muscles in her chest and back, bound her breasts with a too-small sports bra and wore a jock strap stuffed with a soft prosthetic penis.

She trained for months with a vocal coach at the Juilliard School in Manhattan, who taught her to deepen her voice and slow it down, to lean back as she spoke rather than leaning in, and to use her breath more efficiently. Then she ventured out to live as a man for 18 months, calling herself Ned, and to chronicle the experience.

She did so in “Self-Made Man,” and when the book came out in 2006, it was a nearly instant best seller. It made Ms. Vincent a media darling; she appeared on “20/20” and on “The Colbert Report,” where she and Stephen Colbert teased each other about football and penis size.

But the book was no joke. It was a nuanced and thoughtful work. It drew comparisons to “Black Like Me,” the white journalist John Howard Griffin’s 1961 book about his experiences passing as a Black man in the segregated Deep South. David Kamp, writing in The New York Times, called Ms. Vincent’s book “rich and audacious.”

Ms. Vincent died on July 6 at a clinic in Switzerland. She was 53. Her death, which was not reported at the time, was confirmed on Thursday by Justine Hardy, a friend. The death, she said, was medically assisted, or what is known as a voluntary assisted death.

Ms. Vincent was a lesbian. She was not transgender, or gender fluid. She was, however, interested in gender and identity. As a freelance contributor to The Los Angeles Times, The Village Voice and The Advocate, she had written essays on those topics that inflamed some readers.

She was a libertarian. She tilted at postmodernism and multiculturalism. She argued for the rights of fetuses and against identity politics, which she saw as infantilizing and irresponsible. She did not believe that transsexuals were members of the opposite sex after they had surgery and had taken hormones, a position that led one writer to label her a bigot. She was a contrarian, and proud of it.

In her year and a half living as Ned, Ms. Vincent put him in a number of stereotypical, hypermasculine situations. He joined a blue-collar bowling league, though he was a terrible bowler. (His teammates were kind and cheered him on; they thought he was gay, Ms. Vincent learned later, because they thought he bowled like a girl.)

He spent weeks in a monastery with cloistered monks. He went to strip clubs and dated women, though he was rebuffed more often than not in singles bars. He worked in sales, hustling coupon books and other low-margin products door-to-door with fellow salesmen who, with their cartoon bravado, seemed drawn from the 1983 David Mamet play “Glengarry Glen Ross.” (cont.)

(cont.) Finally, at an Iron John retreat, a therapeutic masculinity workshop — think drum circles and hero archetypes — modeled on the work of the men’s movement author Robert Bly, Ned began to lose it. Being Ned had worn Ms. Vincent down; she felt alienated and disassociated, and after the retreat she checked herself into a hospital for depression.

She was suffering, she wrote, for the same reason that many of the men she met were suffering: Their assigned gender roles, she found, were suffocating them and alienating them from themselves.

“Manhood is a leaden mythology riding on the shoulders of every man,” she wrote, and they needed help: “If men are still really in power, then it benefits us all considerably to heal the dyspeptic at the wheel.”

Ms. Vincent practiced another feat of immersive journalism for her next book, “Voluntary Madness: My Year Lost and Found in the Loony Bin” (2008).

The idea came to her after her Iron John unraveling, when she had committed herself to the hospital as a suicide risk. While in treatment, she said, she thought to herself: “Jesus, what a freak show. All I have to do is take notes and I’m Balzac.”

What transpired was less tidy than “Self Made Man,” however. As she toured mental institutions — a Bellevue-like urban one, a high-end facility in the Midwest and finally a New Age clinic — Ms. Vincent found herself increasingly mired in depression and juggling a cocktail of medications. The book’s conclusion did not endear her to reviewers, as she exhorted those in extremis like her to move on and “put your boots on.”

Norah Mary Vincent was born on Sept. 20, 1968, in Detroit. Her mother, Juliet (Randall) Ford, was an actress; her father, Robert Vincent, was a lawyer for the Ford Motor Company. The youngest of three, Norah grew up in Detroit and London, where Mr. Vincent was posted for a while.

She studied philosophy at Williams College, where at 21 she realized she was a lesbian, she told The New York Times in 2001, when her contrarian freelance columns began drawing fire. She spent 11 years as a graduate student in philosophy at Boston College and worked as an assistant editor at the Free Press, a publishing house that before it folded in 2012 put out books on religion and social science and had, in the 1980s, a neoconservative bent.

Ms. Vincent’s first work of fiction was “Thy Neighbor” (2012), a dark, comic thriller about an unemployed alcoholic writer who begins spying on his neighbors while trying to solve the mystery of his parents’ murder-suicide: voyeurism as a means to self-knowledge. “I’ll never be whole or unharmed or kind again,” Nick, her protagonist, says. “But I can know everything about my neighbors’ lives, and in so doing, I can ease what is unsatisfied in me.”

Ms. Vincent is survived by her mother and her brothers, Alex and Edward. A brief marriage to Kristen Erickson ended in divorce.

In 2013, Ms. Vincent began a new novel, “Adeline,” in which she imagined the inner life of Virginia Woolf from the moment Woolf conceived her novel “To the Lighthouse” — in her bathtub — to the morning in 1941 when she walked into the river near her home in Sussex, England, her pockets filled with stones, and drowned.

As Ms. Vincent was working on the book, she tried to kill herself.

“Adeline,” she wrote later in an essay for the website Literary Hub, was “not just a work of fiction, or an act of literary ventriloquism. It was my suicide note.”

Getting dangerously lost in her work was nothing new, she added. “In ‘Adeline,’ I did what I had done so often before. I disappeared into someone else, and I emerged as myself.”

When the book was published in 2015, Carlene Bauer, a novelist and memoirist, reviewed it for The New York Times Book Review. “Vincent,” she wrote, “is a sensitive recorder of a mind’s movements as it shifts in and out of inspiration, and as it fights before submitting to despair.”

RIP

One of the gay papers in Chicago ran her column. She was smart.

Was she sick? Or can you now just cruise on in saying "I'm over it" and they hook you up?

I remember reading about her experiment. It was quite interesting and insightful. R5 I'm not sure but I think it was assisted suicide for mental health reasons. Tragic, but I firmly believe that assisted suicide is fundamentally a human right.

It doesn't say. r5, and there's nothing else yet about her suicide in the news. But in Switzerland you do not have to be dying of a terminal illness (as you do in the USA) to be granted medical assistance; you can just be "tired of life." And you also do not have to be a citizen of the nation to be granted aid.

My guess is because of her longstanding problems with depression and mental illness she decided that this was the safest place to die with assistance legally.

Sounded like it was driven by depression.

She sounded like the type of person I wouldn’t always agree with but I appreciate that she delved into ideas in a deep way. RIP.

I concur, r8.

I think I would pick this place. They throw a bit of shade to Dignitas and the other clinics in their FAQs.

One area where we are different from the others is that we have native English speakers on staff. No more 'lost in translation'. No more 'lost in translation' with bad interpretation and broken English.

R7 - that's amazing, and I didn't quite believe it , so I looked it up it up and apparently you're correct.

Good to know, r7...

Thanks R7 for the info.

I wonder if you can charge it to a credit card? Rack up the points, use them to do one last fun thing or to help fund the trip. Check in, check out, and stiff (ha) Visa for the bill?

We lost a good one.

Aw, that’s too bad. RIP.

It is an excellent book. I read it several years ago and it’s stayed with me. One thing that she wrote that be thought of often was how surprised she was at how men speak so kindly of their wives when no women are around. Women do the opposite—bitch nonstop about their husbands.

I used to read her columns, regardless of whether I agreed with her. In fact, the draw was often that she was maddening. It's hard to imagine a contrarian having a career in the gay press these days. Not that there's much left of 'the gay press.'

I don’t think there is a gay press anymore.

So…who gets her stuff?

Okay, so she was probably a very good writer. Dedicated to her work, certainly. Condolences to those who knew and loved her. Take a look at all the photos of her available on Google Image, though. Does anybody really think she could pass for a cis male?

"She was a contrarian, and proud of it."

Translation: really stupid. Says things she didn't even believe to get attention. Of course she was nuts.

"One thing that she wrote that be thought of often was how surprised she was at how men speak so kindly of their wives when no women are around."

So she lied. Look at the high % of men who kill their spouses versus the much smaller number of women who do

"She argued for the rights of fetuses"

More evidence of stupidity

[quote]She was a contrarian, and proud of it.

Translation: really stupid. Says things she didn't even believe to get attention. Of course she was nuts.

[quote]One thing that she wrote that be thought of often was how surprised she was at how men speak so kindly of their wives when no women are around.

So she lied. Look at the high % of men who kill their spouses versus the much smaller number of women who do

[quote]She argued for the rights of fetuses

More evidence of stupidity

R23 She didn't lie. She wrote her anecdotal experience. That's not lying.

R26 i'm a gay guy working with all straight men and (with the exception of one asshole) none of the men EVER talk badly about their wives or girlfriends

Katie Herzog reminds me of her somewhat

I can't see Herzog killing herself. (... maybe killing Jesse Singal)

Haven’t heard this name in years. Remember finding her very interesting at the time, but also thinking, as others have here, that there is absolutely no way she actually passed as a man. Anyone she encountered was likely just humoring her.

She owns her butch lezziness and doesn't believe people can change sex. So you'd think DLers would love her.

R29 yeah, agreed. she is a contrarian and a bold butch lesbian but without the depression. at least publicly

[quote]She owns her butch lezziness and doesn't believe people can change sex. So you'd think DLers would love her.

I love her. She’s right.

If you go to Switzerland to off yourself, what becomes of your corpse?

Sleds

They will cremate the corpse and send the ashes home. The whole procedure (without travel costs) will probably cost around $15,000.

I think she was great and a loss. RIP

R36, that’s highway robbery.

Can one expense this?

R27

Being older, I had a younger straight acquaintance open up to me a while back. His longtime girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: we get married, and then work on having a kid, or I'm out of here. He told me that of his friends the same age where that happened, all but one of the guys ended up being somewhat resentful after the kid was born. When I saw him a year or so later, he was indeed married with an infant. However, when the subject of the infant was brought up briefly by someone else, he was very offhand about it as though he were looking after someone else's kid temporarily.

And now he wants to kill himself?

Rando: Who’s that?

R40 ‘s Friend: Nothing.

I don't think so, R41. Previously, the future-wife had dropped by where he works briefly. A lovey-dovey kiss goodbye, was followed by what seemed to me a look of "well that's taken care of (over)" as soon as her back was turned.

She was chronicling passing as a VERY BUTCH Lesbian- nothing more.

YOU BOWL LIKE A GIRL!

- Sauvage!

Husbands not bitching about wives is easy to figure out. Men get a house servant and cum dump. Wives get an adult they have to take care of who doesn’t like or respect them. No wonder wives bitch.

[quote]She was chronicling passing as a VERY BUTCH Lesbian- nothing more.

Which is what F2Ms are.

Nuts. I’ve been depressed and I have contemplated suicide and almost acted on it, but something always held me back. This lady got assistance to do the deed.

r23 I have worked on crews of guys for over 35 years and I can't say that is true. A couple might have said something nice but most say nothing or throw a little snark or digs.

I’ve worked with mostly men, and I’ve never heard that speak poorly of their wives. Instead, I’s have to listen to them gush. Well, one. But never negative.

That's what I remember from the book: Norah came away with newly sympathetic feelings for straight men.

She was indeed a very good writer. I had no idea she wrote fiction as well, and will seek out her novels.

She was pretty with very feminine features. I’m not buying that she ever passed as a man either.

Men boast about what their wives look like, how well their wives cook and clean for them, what the wives do for them sexually,etc. It’s a pissing match.

The Swiss and Dutch are pretty advanced in the assisted suicide service, but I hope I don't need to avail myself of that until they have perfected better techniques for expiring.

How difficult should it be to get a hot, bubble butt guy to sit on our face and asphyxiate us. Can't think of a better way to go.

I think it's more men have very simple minds and less expectations. It's really not hard to please a guy and most men are blunt about what they like or dislike. In general, men are raised to go out and get what they want. Also to not complain especially since they'd be picked on by their male peers for showing weakness. While women are raised to expect more from men and to idealize relationships and marriage especially thanks to the entertainment industry. It's socially acceptable for women to be more emotionally expressive and vocal about what they like or dislike and who they like or dislike. Men and women generally are socialized to communicate differently.

This is just my observation as a gay who's been in mostly male and mostly female environments at different times and had people confide in me for no reason. Men in general don't talk much about women amongst themselves.

Hisbands don’t dump on their wives because husbands consider their wives to be extensions of themselves. Coverture is not just a legal doctrine; it’s a state of mind.

Exactly, R30, no way did she pass as a man, which is why women were so relieved when she revealed herself. There are numerous subconscious cues a few weeks of coaching wouldn't affect. Their spidey-senses turned out to be right that something was off. Vincent thought the issue was always women being dismissive or rude to men, rather than confused and unnerved by her uncanny valley.

It’s like Rachel Dolezal. When she said she was black everyone assumed she was light-skinned/mixed race. It never crossed their minds that a white person would pretend to be black.

Likewise, when Norah said she was a man no one challenged it. Most people had never met a transgender before so they didn’t give it much thought. The most she probably got was “That guy looks like a girl” but people also say that about men with long hair.

Overall I don’t think most people are attentive enough to notice.

I cried when I heard the news

I dunno ...

Hard to explain with examples, but I've related fine with straight men, because we were boys. T's don't have that.

I used to think gay men were generally smarter on average than the rest of the population. This thread -- and so much that has happened in the past few years -- has completely disabused me of that idea.

I read "Self-Made Man" years ago (I still have it), but I never read anything else by her. I didn't even know she wrote a column.

Fifty-three is too young to die, no matter what the reason. May she finally find peace.

Wow, what a tragic mess of a life.

What was a mess?

Avoid excessive existentialist thoughts.

I have to agree with r65.

Contrarians get a kick out of being thought of as edgy and intelligent but it's an awful price to pay. Going through life constantly noticing imperfections in others and society and being compelled to be literally in opposition to every received norm and tradition is exhausting.

Virginia Woolf and Abbie Hoffman come to mind as similar types - unable to accept anything as is and existing in a perpetual state of alienation. No wonder they ultimately choose suicide.

I love the crazy dyke here who just shouts about school shooters and wife killers whenever the subject of men qua men is brought up. It's her one argument, but so central to her belief system, it works almost like a bedrock against which she tests other statements. Men can't possibly speak more highly of their wives than the other way around, she says, because SCHOOL SHOOTERS SERIAL KILLERS WIFE BEATERS. Such subtlety, that of radical feminist thought.

Anyway, I read about Norah when I was in my late teens libertarian phase, in the mid-2000s. She was on a list of anti-feminist writers who are female. There was also some skepticism on liberal blogs as to whether her story was true. I didn't doubt her myself, and now I will say that if she was less of a trans skeptic, maybe she would be alive today. She clearly wanted to be a man. But that's a desire she denied herself to stay loyal to her conservative principles.

Well, it’s good that she had people there to see to her being able to pass peacefully.

[post redacted because independent.co.uk thinks that links to their ridiculous rag are a bad thing. Somebody might want to tell them how the internet works. Or not. We don't really care. They do suck though. Our advice is that you should not click on the link and whatever you do, don't read their truly terrible articles.]

[quote]how surprised she was at how men speak so kindly of their wives when no women are around

Women never believe me when I say this but I've been saying this for ages. Most men speak REALLY kindly about women when women aren't around, despite what people are led to believe.

What do they say, R71?

r68 She didn't want to be a man. She wanted less aggressive gender stereotypes. Unfortunately she realised (as all women who don't conform do) that gender stereotypes are based on biology, and you can't escape that. We are never going to create a world where gangs of women gather together to fix a car.

I'm a woman (fem) who works with 50 other men (I interact with 2 other women in the office). I'm 42, my co-workers are pretty much all over 50. It's a physical, working-class job.

I really enjoy it. My team has been reduced to 6, and the core 3 of us (one black, one native, and me) all get along splendidly.

I have a masters degree in the arts. My co-workers probably never finished high-school. I trained in this job because I had a breakdown and needed a job where I couldn't drink in the evenings.

I have so many thoughts on the men/women divide I should write my own book, haha. I get on with men better in general (I'm a lesbian) but I like women more in general. Women carry a bigger load in my opinion, especially around family. But men have many other burdens that we don't discuss.

R71 says, "Most men speak REALLY kindly about women when women aren't around, despite what people are led to believe."

Well that's certainly the case here at DL (lesbian, rolling eyes).

On LChat, I once saw dykes refer to Freddie Mercury as an AIDS-ridden white f-ggot, so shove your self-pity deep inside your hole, R74. You're probably in need of sticking something in there anyway.

r73 Oh honey, not very adept at this psychology thing, are you? No woman would go the lengths that Norah did to look like a man, and mix with men, and be thought of a man, for as long as Norah did, unless she secretly wanted to be a man. Which is Norah wished - to be a man. And what happened when she finished her "be a man" experiment? She fell into depression. If this isn't telling about what was in her heart, nothing else will be.

I always liked Norah Jones.

R74 is probably one of those people who posts on 4chan and other similar groups, but only complains about the trolls on DL.

I don’t know if she wanted to be a man and I don’t think her depression post experiment indicates that she did. She said herself ( as someone posted above) that she felt alienated from herself and her identity after being undercover for that length of time.

I was a little shocked to learn that Dignitas is very slow about approving applicants for assisted death. When Delia Ephron's husband was diagnosed with alzheimers but still lucid he was determined to avoid "the long goodbye" and contacted Dignitas. The were hard to get a hold of and when they did, often didn't return calls or were 'on vacation'. They were getting frantic, having to explain the obvious that time was of the essence since alzheimers is progressive and a long wait would mean he wouldn't meet the requirement of "being in control of your thoughts". Even so, Dignitas stalled and put up roadblocks, insisting the husband see several psychiatrists to verify he was not depressed, though he had never suffered with depression in his life. He finally got approved after months of unnecessary anxiety and stress and achieved his assisted death. I was surprised Vincent, who DOES have a history of depression, got approved. Maybe Dignitas read Ephron's account of their experience.