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My partner and I broke up 2 months ago

I’m still sort of moping around.

We were together for 11 years. I thought he would be the one to grow old with. Truthfully, the relationship was emotionally over a few years back. We only got the courage to break up after many discussions.

My friends keep telling me that I need to “get back in the game.” But do I really? I don’t want to start looking for “Mr Right” again. That whole dating process just sucks. I think I’m over random sex too.

I’m 45, 10 lbs overweight (thanks, Covid), mildly handsome—I don’t want to have to turn on the sparkling personality again to overcome the physical deficits. It’s exhausting.

Have any of you broken up with long term partners and continued your life just fine without chasing sex and hoping to find another partner?

by Anonymousreply 10August 14, 2022 10:47 PM

Yes, I've broken up, not after 11 years. It was 2-3 years.

Anyway, be honest. Whose decision was it to break up? Sounds like it was your partner's. If so, no shame in that. It happens.

I'd lose the 10 pounds. Stop blaming Covid.

Are you living in the same apartment / house where you and your partner lived? If so, I'd reevaluate the space. You don't have to renovate, but rearrange things to your liking. Take advantage of no longer having to compromise.

by Anonymousreply 1August 14, 2022 5:53 PM

Good advice, R1

by Anonymousreply 2August 14, 2022 6:28 PM

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. Even when you ,now it's over, it still hurts regardless of who broke up with whom. That's a long time to be together, so you will need to adjust. In my mid-30s, I broke up with my partner of 13 years. He had way too much emotional baggage, and therapy was not working for him because he just kept repeating the same patterns with no effort to change. I finally had enough and ended it.

I'd say get out there and date. Maybe not right away, but after about six months or so. I'd also consider going to therapy to work on any issues that may have contributed to the break up, or even just to adjust to this life changing event. I say this because after we broke up, I found myself dating guys with similar issues. After about four years of that, I finally decided I was the common denominator and went to therapy. It helped me break bad habits. At 45, I found my current partner and we're getting married this year.

The dating process does suck. I'd date, then go on a hiatus (my friends and I would call it hi-date-us) for a few months because I'd need a break. But the only way I found my awesome partner was through dating. It's a bit early, but you'll know when you're ready.

by Anonymousreply 3August 14, 2022 7:34 PM

It’s takes half the amount of time that a relationship lasted in order to move on from said relationship after it had ended. You’re looking at five and half years OP. Use that time to get your life together.

by Anonymousreply 4August 14, 2022 7:40 PM

Great advice on this thread.

No, it shouldn’t all be about rebound sex.

by Anonymousreply 5August 14, 2022 9:54 PM

[Quote] You’re looking at five and half years OP.

Five and a half fucking years before you get over a long relationship???

by Anonymousreply 6August 14, 2022 9:54 PM

R4 My therapist told me the same after a bad break up. Not AT ALL what i wanted to hear. I think the more practical message was to go slow and realize the emotional aftermath takes way more time to sort out- and that the first early dating after the break up will be a mess and trigger for what went wrong before.

For me the relationship ended when I was in my early 40's. Switched to playing/being the daddy but without wanting to connect too deeply- which was perfect for the twinks. Really it became more of a sport and hobby and eventually got boring and empty. Now 68 and happily retired-in more ways than one.

by Anonymousreply 7August 14, 2022 10:16 PM

Oh, honey. Me and my last BF broke up two YEARS ago and I’m still moping around.

by Anonymousreply 8August 14, 2022 10:18 PM

I've been single about 10 years. Time flies! The last one was not good: I was co-dependent with someone who really didn't want me, and didn't treat me well.

The upside is it cured me of a lot of delusions. I'm longer half a person looking for someone to complete me.

by Anonymousreply 9August 14, 2022 10:30 PM

I moped around for many years after a messy breakup.

Spend time working on yourself. The one thing I was really grateful for my ex was that after a few hookups while he began dating a new boyfriend, he decided to make a really clean break with radio silence- and we didn’t try to maintain a friendship or contact each other.

He was also moody, but able to pull happiness out of himself, which is a genuinely difficult thing to do nowadays but doable once you learn how. He also showed me the lesson that people won’t really love you if you don’t love yourself. Find a relationship that is about sharing, and yes, as you age you have to lower your expectations a bit. True happiness is not “completing” each other- it’s two different people supporting each other’s happiness ALONGSIDE each other. There’s a huge difference.

One thing that was amazing was I had a close friend that knew hundreds of people socially and invited me to Sunday brunch. I’d meet the same 3-4 people every week, as well as another 4-5 new ones. I’d meet people without any expectation. No one shows up drunk, it’s daylight so you can see them clearly, and if you don’t like anyone, at least you leave with a full belly and early enough to get some sleep before Monday.

We also had bottomless drinks, would have them in different neighborhoods throughout NYC then walk around or shop afterwards, and I had some heavy petting in a few stalls!

by Anonymousreply 10August 14, 2022 10:47 PM
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