Let’s be a Frau Christmas

Who hurt you, OP?

I'm the pressboard sign that proclaims "Gather!" in florid script. I am left over from Thanksgiving, but really I'm perfect whenever my precious family "gathers" together.

My cousin, "EAT!", is just feet away in the breakfast nook.

Why does OP hate women?

The look is called "Modern Farm House" and HGTV is largely responsible for this live laugh love conformity.

R1 R3 the militant FemDykes have arrived right on time

I’m TJMaxx and you can all thank me.

I am the rock and roll dancing Santa.

UK Edition:

I’m the garlands draped aimlessly and pointlessly over all sorts of random things, like door and picture frames, TV screens, and light fixtures.

"Let's Be A Single Eldergay's Christmas"

I'm her cookies, which kick ass and make any queen smile.

Except maybe OP.

I am the unsettling hybrid of Santa kneeling at a manger.

I am JESUS, the Reason for the Season.

that's just nuts R11

I'm the pine scented candles, wax melts, aroma sticks, incense. I'm making her cats and dogs very sick as they cannot process terpenes.

I’m the scented pine cones in a bowl that will go straight to the trash on the 26th.

I'm OP's mother and I have no idea what Hisstopher has against my Christmas tree pillow case.

It is so stinking cute and yet he insists on putting it in the linen closet whenever he has guests over

You know, I don't mind that he's a homosexual, but I wish he wasn't such an awful snob.

Merry Christmas to All DLers!!! (I won't call you "my gays"!)

I am chocolate rain deer poop! I was found at Walgreens and just too silly and cute to pass up.

I'm this clever plaque!

I’m the Byers carolers on the mantle.

I'm rum raisin ice cream on toasted fruitcake and another Hallmark movie.

I'm the blandly handsome Canadian actor with a decent gym body and no other distinguishing characteristics. I starred in the Hallmark Holiday Movie that just aired, and I will be fueling many masturbatory frau fantasies thanks to my obligatory shirtless scene. And to the fact that I'm pretty much the physical opposite of their husbands.

Look for me in "Return To Christmasville 2" next week! And absolutely nowhere else.

I am the fruitcake that people bring for dessert every year that no one ever eats.

R8 Do they really? That's kind of adorable.

I have those R19. They are cute as can be and I got them at Home Goods a helluva lot cheaper than that price !

I'm Thomas Kinkade Christmas "sculptures."

I am OP's non-existent mother who has never held any party for her mentally unstable children.

I have Christmas themed throw pillows, but instead of crap like “Joy” and “Merry Everything”, mine are funny quotes from Christmas/winter comedy movies/tv shows we watch every year.

“Is Rusty still in the Navy?”, “Fra-geee-lay…it must be Italian!”, “Everything is temporary!”, and “I find tinsel distracting”, just to name a few. It’s dorky but I love ‘em.

This ⬇

Fruit cake and rum raisin ice cream? We're talking about the 21st century, right, R20?

I'm the schmaltzy background music of "Favorite Hits of Christmas" found on a five-hour Youtube video.

I play all day long from her first cradled mug of fresh perked coffee to her late evening bath surrounded by Yankee candles and bubbles.

I'm the little dress specially made for the frau's little fraulein for Christmas day---matching style, color and fabric. How adorable!

I wish someone would burn me in the fireplace.

R19 My mother has a couple of dozen of those creepy carollers. I can't stand them - it looks like Edvard Munch spawned with the Hummel figurine collection.

R22 The English side of the family goes bananas over fruitcake. It's in their DNA. The miniature mince pies are just fine, but that damned fruitcake...

I'M THE FAT SON WHO EATS ALL MY COOKIES BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE.