Hello and thank you for being a DL contributor. We are changing the login scheme for contributors for simpler login and to better support using multiple devices. Please click here to update your account with a username and password.

Hello. Some features on this site require registration. Please click here to register for free.

Hello and thank you for registering. Please complete the process by verifying your email address. If you can't find the email you can resend it here.

Hello. Some features on this site require a subscription. Please click here to get full access and no ads for $1.99 or less per month.

I have done personal individual invites,

I have offered to pay for gas. I don't live in the country. If my so called friends can drive hours to be with other friends and not drive 20 minutes to be with me, then I guess I am not a friend. I'm ok if someone no longer wants to be my friend. Just have the damned balls to be a grown up and tell me. Don't say you'll make plans with me and then don't. Adult honesty is all that I ask for. Like i said, i have tried every means I know how: I call, I text, I email, I write, I try to host parties, I offer to buy lunch, I say that I will drive so they don't have to. I have done single invites, couple invites, and group invites. It is obvious to me that those I once considered friends are no more. They just aren't adult enough to admit that it's time we part ways. Well, I will be the adult and do it for them. I'm done trying. True friendship shouldn't be this much work or cause this much heartbreak.

by Anonymousreply 80November 27, 2021 1:27 AM

Age range of you and your friends?

by Anonymousreply 1November 24, 2021 5:03 PM

Your last sentence answered your own rant. None of those things involve TRUE friends.

by Anonymousreply 2November 24, 2021 5:05 PM

Forget the whole thing. Sorry.

by Anonymousreply 3November 24, 2021 5:14 PM

Some friendships fade away.

by Anonymousreply 4November 24, 2021 5:21 PM

Oh I've given up on trying to make or keep friends.

by Anonymousreply 5November 24, 2021 5:21 PM

Most people find whiners unpleasant to be around, OP. Could you try being more upbeat and nice, even if you don't mean it?

by Anonymousreply 6November 24, 2021 5:23 PM

You answered your own RANT!! Stop trying to make friends with people who don't want friendship. Life is too short to deal with these kinds of people.

by Anonymousreply 7November 24, 2021 5:25 PM

Get married.

by Anonymousreply 8November 24, 2021 5:25 PM

You'll have a "friend" here at DL with all the sour cunts who are proudly friendless.

I would not extend them any invitations, however.

by Anonymousreply 9November 24, 2021 5:25 PM

Op, you sounds a little aspie

by Anonymousreply 10November 24, 2021 6:00 PM

R10 I still want to know the age group of these people so I can get with generation-bashing! He's not going to make any friends ignoring me.

by Anonymousreply 11November 24, 2021 6:15 PM

Hire an escort.

by Anonymousreply 12November 24, 2021 6:15 PM

Your efforts to involve them in your life sound may have gotten you branded as a doormat. No one plays with a doormat. BTAIM, drop them, gird your blue-veined loins, stop trying so hard. I don't know how old you are and how much time you've spent with this "gang" of friends, but you deserve so much more than their assholedom.

Start anew; get involved in things that matter to you.

You already know this.

by Anonymousreply 13November 24, 2021 6:20 PM

They're just not that into you, OP.

by Anonymousreply 14November 24, 2021 6:30 PM

Can I have your stuff?

by Anonymousreply 15November 24, 2021 6:32 PM

People have always been socially and Covid has just made it worse. I have good friends who panic at the idea of having to RSVP to something and make a commitment. They've told me about it - and then they go and do it to me! So I just stop inviting them.

It probably isn't about you.

by Anonymousreply 16November 24, 2021 6:39 PM

I feel your pain, OP. It hurts, but they simply aren’t your friends. Friends make time for you.

Someone told me along time ago: “People do what they want. Anything else is just an excuse.” They’ll feign shock and offense if you tell them this, and deny it with their dying breath. But it’s true. You can’t pay attention to what people say. You have to watch what they do.

by Anonymousreply 17November 24, 2021 6:43 PM

I'm guessing you're at least middle aged because people in that age group don't want to do ANYTHING that involves putting themselves out.

by Anonymousreply 18November 24, 2021 6:48 PM

[quote] Adult honesty is all that I ask for.... They just aren't adult enough to admit that it's time we part ways.

OP, what would you do if one of your friends said: "We've drifted apart and I no longer have time for the friendship." Would you argue back? Would you try to go tit-for-tat? Call that person an asshole, cunt, etc.?

I admit that I have ghosted people because I do not want to get into a final argument about how ____ was a good friend and how I'm an asshole, etc. No amount of further arguing would have resuscitated that friendship from my end.

I know this is an unpopular strategy on DL and I don't want to argue about it.

by Anonymousreply 19November 24, 2021 6:48 PM

Also, OP, don’t allow them to get away with disrespecting you. I’ve had people do this to me and I always let them know how unappreciated their rudeness and disrespect are.

It may sound silly, but I always do a little ritual whenever this happens. Write the person’s name on a piece of paper. Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.

It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel. And sometimes, some of the things you wished for will come true!

And if one of these cunts ever has the gall to come crawling to you asking for a favor, spare no compassion for them whatsoever. Make it clear that you will not help them in any way. If you do, you will appear weak and they will continue to take advantage of you.

These people don’t care about you. They will only hurt you. Those of us who are sensitive and conscientious cannot understand the callousness with which most people operate. They don’t intentionally hurt us, it’s just their nature. But that’s no excuse and you have to protect yourself.

by Anonymousreply 20November 24, 2021 7:02 PM

Also, OP, don’t allow them to get away with disrespecting you. I’ve had people do this to me and I always let them know how unappreciated their rudeness and disrespect are.

It may sound silly, but I always do a little ritual whenever this happens. Write the person’s name on a piece of paper. Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.

It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel. And sometimes, some of the things you wished for will come true!

And if one of these cunts ever has the gall to come crawling to you asking for a favor, spare no compassion for them whatsoever. Make it clear that you will not help them in any way. If you do, you will appear weak and they will continue to take advantage of you.

These people don’t care about you. They will only hurt you. Those of us who are sensitive and conscientious cannot understand the callousness with which most people operate. They don’t intentionally hurt us, it’s just their nature. But that’s no excuse and you have to protect yourself.

by Anonymousreply 21November 24, 2021 7:03 PM

R19 is an example of one of these vile cunts. Once they’re finished with you, they just want to erase you from existence. You and your feelings never mattered to them. They suck the life out of you and then deny you any opportunity for closure, leaving you to twist in the wind, to drive yourself mad wondering what went wrong.

I hope a grackle swoops down and bites off your pecker, R19.

by Anonymousreply 22November 24, 2021 7:09 PM

He’s my friend, he’s not my friend.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 23November 24, 2021 7:10 PM

R21 just ran over a bunch of dancin grannies.

by Anonymousreply 24November 24, 2021 7:11 PM

R22 People expect too much from their friends. They should either transfer their love to a dog...or to OLASJC.

by Anonymousreply 25November 24, 2021 7:11 PM

R21 I never forget, rarely forgive and prefer to ghost these types. If they suggest we hang again after any of these episodes, I say yes and leave it at that.

by Anonymousreply 26November 24, 2021 7:13 PM

Life is long and we are in an especially weird phase of life right now. Depending on your age, your friends could be prioritizing post-Covid dating or reconnecting with family first. Don’t make any harsh moves, leave some space for them to approach you.

by Anonymousreply 27November 24, 2021 7:18 PM

Somebody should transfer a rusty nail to the inside of R25’s pancreas.

by Anonymousreply 28November 24, 2021 7:28 PM

R28 Oh look. It's the reboot of Dorothy Parker, quipping among us. And like most reboots, it has twice the zeal, yet half the wit.

by Anonymousreply 29November 24, 2021 7:43 PM

It amazes me how much you guys obsess over friendships. How old are you? Fourteen? Even fourteen-year-old straight boys don't worry about friendships the way you guys do! If someone doesn't want to be friends with you, fuck 'em! There's a big world out there -- you'll meet plenty of people who will want to be your friend.

I just joined an organization and met a nice women who I thought wanted to be friends. I called her yesterday and she didn't call me back. I know it's a holiday week -- maybe she'll call me some other time, maybe not. But so what? I know a lot of people. And I'm sure I'll meet more people from that organization over time.

If I need a ride somewhere, I know at least one friend locally who I can count on to give me one, and probably more. And I have two friends who I've known for a long time, the kind of friendships you have where we've even fought like cats and dogs and then made up six months later. They're not local, but we talk on the phone every few weeks and see each other once a year when I go "up home."

So stop acting like a bunch of adolescent girls and get the fuck over it, OP! Get out of the house and meet a better class of people. You'll be glad you did.

by Anonymousreply 30November 24, 2021 8:07 PM

OP, adults do not write the sort of Miss Pity screed you subjected us to here.

Anonymous posters on the DL are not the target of your self-pity and cluelessness (since you profess not to have understood the (apparently) many bad relationships you called "friendships." But you bully us with your smug-ass fat-girl whining. Are we a dog to kick when you're drunk and feeling like an asshole?

Those people you piss on us about have your number. And now so do we.

by Anonymousreply 31November 24, 2021 8:17 PM

People shouldn't have to tell you they don't want to be friends anymore OP, you should have gotten the clue a long time ago. You sound overbearing.

by Anonymousreply 32November 24, 2021 8:20 PM

Tiresome.

by Anonymousreply 33November 24, 2021 8:22 PM

Would you really rather an explicit conversation? “The more I got to know you, the more I realized that I don’t like you?” “You’re Debbie Downer?” “All you do us complain.” Sometimes, ghosting is the kindest thing.

by Anonymousreply 34November 24, 2021 8:31 PM

OP, do you mind answering the very first post in this thread : "Age range of you and your friends?"

Let's say you and your friends are in their 40's...

If you are as easy-going as your are easy-to-read, no surprise in your predicament. At 50 years old, I have decided to totally avoid needy people with unrealistic demands. I would leave you like your friends did just to avoid that insane drama (if you listened to your friends, they would tell you things).

There are clear signs of borderline personality disorder here, and you need to learn that if your parents failed to give you attention in your early life, you can't ask your friends (or anybody) to do the job in their place later in your life.

Nobody will owe you anything until you realize that you owe yourself something important : healing.

Like all of us, you deserve to be happy but you are far from even starting to get there. Why not try therapy?

by Anonymousreply 35November 24, 2021 10:17 PM

At least I have a husband, OP.

by Anonymousreply 36November 24, 2021 10:28 PM

One tip if you decide to go, OP, when you realize nobody really wants you there: avoid the chowder.

by Anonymousreply 37November 24, 2021 10:34 PM

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing. So just get on with it.

by Anonymousreply 38November 25, 2021 1:03 AM

OP, never forget that Hell is other people. Secure your financial independence and get a dog.

by Anonymousreply 39November 25, 2021 1:07 AM

I think a lot of people see their friends as family but unfortunately it is rarely reciprocated. I learned that a long time ago and gave up on all of them.

by Anonymousreply 40November 25, 2021 1:11 AM

Sometimes if you seem too eager, people get a little freaked out and they avoid you. Also if you don't have at least a little bit of arrogance or you seem too easy to please, nobody is going to think your cool and value your presence and time. It doesn't seem intuitive, but its what I have learned the hard way. It's sorta like how some women like to date the "bad boy". It doesn't make sense until you really dissect what's going on in the heads of the people involved.

Now is the time to be alone. Curate the lifestyle that you aspire to have. And then begin to attract like-minded people to you. They are going to see all of the fun that you are having alone, and they are going to want to join you. Also meet a few therapists and find the right one. They will probably have better ideas to improve your social situation, that are more tailored to you and your individual situation.

by Anonymousreply 41November 25, 2021 2:19 AM

I wouldn't worry, OP. Iphones and streaming services have made friendship difficult indeed they have eroded the idea of the friend as a source of amusement, of comfort, of entertainment. A friend requires effort that most people are unwilling to make. It also requires a technology that allows for direct contact -- an idea that is counter to texting, where we respond, if we respond, when we feel like it. Landlines were very useful for friendship (of course, this happened before robot calls from India). Now we cultivate our boundaries and nurture or fragile selves as if they were rare plants. It's not you, it's the world, or at least the first world where people have, regrettably, been atomized.

by Anonymousreply 42November 25, 2021 2:22 AM

R27, that reads like a list of excuses. I just refuse to put in the effort anymore. I string people along now. I make them work for my attention now. Many people won’t bother. The ones who do are the ones you want.

[quote]Life is long

It most certainly is not. Every year goes by quicker than the last.

by Anonymousreply 43November 25, 2021 2:37 AM

I would like to add to what [R42] said. I discovered quite recently that people, not everybody, but enough of them, treat others like they're apps on a phone. They're incapable of holding a conversation, so they communicate via text. If they don't like what you tell them, they don't reply. Or they punch and delete. Other people don't have feelings or needs, they're words and images on the screens of their phones. Next. It's a harsh realisation.

by Anonymousreply 44November 25, 2021 2:44 AM

My mom has seemed a little “off” and quiet and lonely the last year or so. She works/worked in a big office for years and everyone has always been friendly and social. She has known most of these people at least 20 years. Last week when I stopped over I noticed a photo laying on the counter. It was taken at an office bbq the summer before COVID. There were about 20 people in the photo - laughing, hugging, talking, joking - and my mom was by herself - sort of alone in the group - no one was relating to her - she was sort of concentrating on her piece of cake. It really made me sad to see how disconnected she was from the group - I didn’t say anything - I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

by Anonymousreply 45November 25, 2021 3:08 AM

Do you have pets, OP? They're much easier to deal with...unconditional love. People are too hard...for me, also.

by Anonymousreply 46November 25, 2021 3:20 AM

R45, I am sorry to read about your mother.

There are many people on Twitter who are saying their isolated parents have developed dementia (or much worsened dementia) simply from isolating.

Can you find someone to call her to chat (in addition to yourself)? There are non-profits that pair people up.

by Anonymousreply 47November 25, 2021 3:28 AM

Maybe you're too fat? Have you considered losing weight?

by Anonymousreply 48November 25, 2021 3:30 AM

R35 I completely agree with you. I have known a lot of people for a long time. I’m 54 and my needs have changed as has my patience level for neurotics, of which I’ve known many.

Case in point…I recently gave up a friend I have known since 1986 (albeit, it’s intensity ebbing and flowing normally over the years). Long story short: she has become needier and I have become less tolerant. She has been exceedingly pushy about wanting to do FaceTime not telephone calls. Hard pass. If I’m on a phone call with someone, I need to be able to multitask. Especially her because her calls last at least an hour.

Then, recently and for the third time in about a year, she asked me to do a standing biweekly call with her (!!!) Each time, she has acted like she hadn’t already asked me and gotten my polite declines. This last time (while speaking on the phone) I tried to say “no,” but she said “think about it and text me your answer.”

That was about 4 weeks ago and I have no intention of ever getting in touch with her again. I actually feel lighter and have a nice sense of relief.

by Anonymousreply 49November 25, 2021 3:33 AM

[quote] It may sound silly, but I always do a little ritual whenever this happens. Write the person’s name on a piece of paper. Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.

I love this, especially complete with black candle. R20 - I hope you are totally serious about this.

I think as you get older, it is harder to cultivate new relationships and friendships. The best friendships for me are the ones where there is a lot of history. Not all gays have wonderful families and some have invested in longterm friendships as their family of choice. It's not anyone's obligation to remain it contact, but it still hurts to feel like you are not valued or loved by your friends.

by Anonymousreply 50November 25, 2021 4:08 AM

Thanks #45 - yes I have been trying to get her more involved with different things. I feel bad that her old friends don’t call. She calls them. It is stuff that you just don’t think about ahead of time.

by Anonymousreply 51November 25, 2021 5:15 AM

This isn't Facebook, op.

by Anonymousreply 52November 25, 2021 6:40 AM

With all that going on OP, I understand why you've never asked me if I'm okay.

by Anonymousreply 53November 25, 2021 7:52 AM

[quote]Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.

In case you didn't know, each time you do this you are putting a black smear on Your own soul. negative energy is never good. I try to always ask, if I ask at all, to please let me just accept that this is the way they are and I move on.

by Anonymousreply 54November 25, 2021 3:17 PM

OP, they've moved on. You need to, as well.

Some of us are very wounded by these changes, but it's not always a reaction to YOU, specifically.

This book helped me a lot. Check it out.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 55November 25, 2021 3:20 PM

It's sad we have to play games with people in order to have them see our true worth, which is what some of these posts seem to amount to. There is some good advice sprinkled on this thread, however. When I left college it was amazing how many of my so-called "friends" turned out to be circumstantial . The glue that bonded us was gone. I did waste time running after people who turned out to be mostly interested in themselves and their ambitions. I myself have always been interested in finding real friends. I can say now that I'm much older my true friends are few, but at least I know they love me for me. Wishing you such people.

by Anonymousreply 56November 25, 2021 3:32 PM

Feel free to MARY! me viciously, but I have been through the same mill with friends.

I now think of friends the way I would wildlife. I have a back yard with a bird feeder. Certain birds come during certain seasons and I love seeing the snowbirds in winter, the robins in spring, and all the rest of the passing parade of critters. When they come, I enjoy them. When they fly away, well, that's how birds are. Maybe they'll be back, maybe not.

We all wish we could rely on friends to be there for us and support us. But the vast majority of "friends" flit in and out of our lives. I've learned to accept it and enjoy it when we connect, and try to forget about it when they disappear. I reach out once, lightheartedly, and if I don't get an answer, I leave it. I might hear from them six months later, or I might never hear again. Whatever. No use being resentful. They are what they are, and really the fault is mine if I ask for something they're not capable of giving. Wild birds can never be pets, and most "friends" can never be more than just temporary companions.

by Anonymousreply 57November 25, 2021 3:34 PM

No one likes you op.

by Anonymousreply 58November 25, 2021 3:38 PM

I’ve gone through something similar. I use to have a huge network of friends. I had a bout of cancer and then I started drinking to much (at home), so I quit drinking. The party invites diminished and the phone calls stopped. I did go to a party and asked one of my closest friends why we quit hanging out, he said that I started acting to old. I was on SCRUFF one day and sent a message to one of my friends(not sexual), I sent my phone number to him and told him to call me sometime. The logical thing I would have thought was that he would have given me his phone number, he didn’t. So here we are several years later, I’ve just decided it is what it is. I still have those important, long time friendships and those are the ones that I embrace. Essentially, you know who your friends are when a crisis happens…the cancer thing and my drinking. To say I’m disappointed is an understatement but at least I now know who my true friends are.

by Anonymousreply 59November 25, 2021 3:39 PM

R57 has a good perspective.

by Anonymousreply 60November 25, 2021 3:43 PM

I just can’t be like R57. It’s not in my nature. I must have revenge. I’ve always been like this. Someone always has to pay.

by Anonymousreply 61November 25, 2021 4:33 PM

R57 My motto is "water the flowers that grow."

I was, like OP, always trying to keep relationships afloat. But I know my time and energy are precious, and I share them now with people who respond to me.

I don't mean that in a quid pro quo sort of way. Relationships ebb and flow, and sometimes a friend may have an issue or problem and lean on you more, etc. But in general, I need to see some sort of ping back saying, this person wants to continue being a friend.

I've also been the person in the last 10-15 years that shut my door for a few people. Nothing personal to any of them, but "Remember when?" is not a basis for a friendship. It can add richness to an ongoing relationship, but I also need to be friends with who they are now, and have them ask after what's happening in my life NOW.

R57 Great analogy. I think too many gay men want to treat every friend as family, and that was another lesson I learned, to recognize the difference between friend and acquaintances and treat each accordingly.

R61 That's not healthy. Please seek therapy.

by Anonymousreply 62November 25, 2021 5:14 PM

[quote] But I know my time and energy are precious, and I share them now with people who respond to me.

What if no one responds to you? I can promise you that if I stopped reaching out to any of my friends, I would never hear from any of them again. It’s devastating to realize that.

by Anonymousreply 63November 25, 2021 10:09 PM

This is why you find a partner.

by Anonymousreply 64November 26, 2021 2:21 AM

This is why you find a dog.

by Anonymousreply 65November 26, 2021 3:26 AM

If multiple people keep blowing you off, then the problem is indeed you.

by Anonymousreply 66November 26, 2021 3:30 AM

The problem is you are trying to control others. When you let go of expectations of others, you are likewise freed of expectations with them. Engage people who engage you equally.

by Anonymousreply 67November 26, 2021 3:48 AM

You got old OP. You are less attractive than you once were and people are less interested in you. It will be harder to make new friends and even if you do they'll be even more superficial than the ones you had before. Nobody is going to tell this to you. You find it out for yourself. Aging, being lonely and being rejected sucks. Accept it. At least you have DL to bitch on even if we don't care that much because what we really want to discuss is how new musicals suck and that the current revival of Company is longer that the restored Lawrence of Arabia.

by Anonymousreply 68November 26, 2021 3:58 AM
Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 69November 26, 2021 3:58 AM

OP, it's hard to maintain friendships when you no longer have the same things in common. Whatever brought you together with these people initially (school, work, common friends, similar interests, etc) has passed. People move on. Do yourself a favor and let it go.

by Anonymousreply 70November 26, 2021 4:00 AM

I know what you mean OP, don't listen to the bitter queens in here, you probably are a nice person,but the world has gone crazy, people forgot what courtesy and kindness is about.

One day they will find themselves lonely.

by Anonymousreply 71November 26, 2021 6:49 AM

OP is Chi Coltrane!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 72November 26, 2021 6:59 AM

I’m sorry OP. I think your expectations are too high. I gave up trying to be “social” years ago. Sometimes we socially inept types just don’t fit in anywhere, especially if our intellect exceeds those of the people around us. One reason I come to DL of all things.

by Anonymousreply 73November 26, 2021 7:46 AM

[quote]Curate the lifestyle that you aspire to have. And then begin to attract like-minded people to you.

And I thought I was a little fancy.

by Anonymousreply 74November 26, 2021 4:34 PM

R49 I multitask while Facetiming! It's weird only women in my life like to facetime, but they don't need the camera aimed at your face the whole time. I think they really just want a peek at you at the beginning and end of the talk. I have facetimed while driving, eating, shitting, or typing. They are usually doing the same and neither of us cares about looking into each others eyes for the duration of the 1+ hour chat. BTW, I make sure to mute my microphone when a big one splashes down in the water so the other side doesn't know.

by Anonymousreply 75November 26, 2021 6:36 PM

[quote]I make sure to mute my microphone when a big one splashes down in the water

Faecestime.

by Anonymousreply 76November 26, 2021 6:52 PM

R75 I am way too uptight to poop while FaceTiming. I have while speaking on the phone but it was an unexpected and hurried incident.

by Anonymousreply 77November 26, 2021 7:17 PM

I don’t see OP as borderline. I see someone who is sensitive and is totally fed up after years of trying to reach out and be the glue that has held his friendships together. He’s had sufficient.

by Anonymousreply 78November 26, 2021 7:19 PM

Borderline would involve him being more vengeful and even stalking them.

by Anonymousreply 79November 26, 2021 9:31 PM

R79, maybe being vengeful and stalking pushed people away... we don't know much since OP is not an active participant in his own thread... we can only speculate (and project our own behaviors)

by Anonymousreply 80November 27, 2021 1:27 AM
Loading
Need more help? Click Here.

Yes indeed, we too use "cookies." Take a look at our privacy/terms or if you just want to see the damn site without all this bureaucratic nonsense, click ACCEPT. Otherwise, you'll just have to find some other site for your pointless bitchery needs.

×

Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!