I have offered to pay for gas. I don't live in the country. If my so called friends can drive hours to be with other friends and not drive 20 minutes to be with me, then I guess I am not a friend. I'm ok if someone no longer wants to be my friend. Just have the damned balls to be a grown up and tell me. Don't say you'll make plans with me and then don't. Adult honesty is all that I ask for. Like i said, i have tried every means I know how: I call, I text, I email, I write, I try to host parties, I offer to buy lunch, I say that I will drive so they don't have to. I have done single invites, couple invites, and group invites. It is obvious to me that those I once considered friends are no more. They just aren't adult enough to admit that it's time we part ways. Well, I will be the adult and do it for them. I'm done trying. True friendship shouldn't be this much work or cause this much heartbreak.
I have done personal individual invites,
by Anonymous | reply 80 | November 27, 2021 12:27 AM |
Age range of you and your friends?
by Anonymous | reply 1 | November 24, 2021 4:03 PM |
Your last sentence answered your own rant. None of those things involve TRUE friends.
by Anonymous | reply 2 | November 24, 2021 4:05 PM |
Forget the whole thing. Sorry.
by Anonymous | reply 3 | November 24, 2021 4:14 PM |
Some friendships fade away.
by Anonymous | reply 4 | November 24, 2021 4:21 PM |
Oh I've given up on trying to make or keep friends.
by Anonymous | reply 5 | November 24, 2021 4:21 PM |
Most people find whiners unpleasant to be around, OP. Could you try being more upbeat and nice, even if you don't mean it?
by Anonymous | reply 6 | November 24, 2021 4:23 PM |
You answered your own RANT!! Stop trying to make friends with people who don't want friendship. Life is too short to deal with these kinds of people.
by Anonymous | reply 7 | November 24, 2021 4:25 PM |
Get married.
by Anonymous | reply 8 | November 24, 2021 4:25 PM |
You'll have a "friend" here at DL with all the sour cunts who are proudly friendless.
I would not extend them any invitations, however.
by Anonymous | reply 9 | November 24, 2021 4:25 PM |
Op, you sounds a little aspie
by Anonymous | reply 10 | November 24, 2021 5:00 PM |
R10 I still want to know the age group of these people so I can get with generation-bashing! He's not going to make any friends ignoring me.
by Anonymous | reply 11 | November 24, 2021 5:15 PM |
Hire an escort.
by Anonymous | reply 12 | November 24, 2021 5:15 PM |
Your efforts to involve them in your life sound may have gotten you branded as a doormat. No one plays with a doormat. BTAIM, drop them, gird your blue-veined loins, stop trying so hard. I don't know how old you are and how much time you've spent with this "gang" of friends, but you deserve so much more than their assholedom.
Start anew; get involved in things that matter to you.
You already know this.
by Anonymous | reply 13 | November 24, 2021 5:20 PM |
They're just not that into you, OP.
by Anonymous | reply 14 | November 24, 2021 5:30 PM |
Can I have your stuff?
by Anonymous | reply 15 | November 24, 2021 5:32 PM |
People have always been socially and Covid has just made it worse. I have good friends who panic at the idea of having to RSVP to something and make a commitment. They've told me about it - and then they go and do it to me! So I just stop inviting them.
It probably isn't about you.
by Anonymous | reply 16 | November 24, 2021 5:39 PM |
I feel your pain, OP. It hurts, but they simply aren’t your friends. Friends make time for you.
Someone told me along time ago: “People do what they want. Anything else is just an excuse.” They’ll feign shock and offense if you tell them this, and deny it with their dying breath. But it’s true. You can’t pay attention to what people say. You have to watch what they do.
by Anonymous | reply 17 | November 24, 2021 5:43 PM |
I'm guessing you're at least middle aged because people in that age group don't want to do ANYTHING that involves putting themselves out.
by Anonymous | reply 18 | November 24, 2021 5:48 PM |
[quote] Adult honesty is all that I ask for.... They just aren't adult enough to admit that it's time we part ways.
OP, what would you do if one of your friends said: "We've drifted apart and I no longer have time for the friendship." Would you argue back? Would you try to go tit-for-tat? Call that person an asshole, cunt, etc.?
I admit that I have ghosted people because I do not want to get into a final argument about how ____ was a good friend and how I'm an asshole, etc. No amount of further arguing would have resuscitated that friendship from my end.
I know this is an unpopular strategy on DL and I don't want to argue about it.
by Anonymous | reply 19 | November 24, 2021 5:48 PM |
Also, OP, don’t allow them to get away with disrespecting you. I’ve had people do this to me and I always let them know how unappreciated their rudeness and disrespect are.
It may sound silly, but I always do a little ritual whenever this happens. Write the person’s name on a piece of paper. Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.
It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel. And sometimes, some of the things you wished for will come true!
And if one of these cunts ever has the gall to come crawling to you asking for a favor, spare no compassion for them whatsoever. Make it clear that you will not help them in any way. If you do, you will appear weak and they will continue to take advantage of you.
These people don’t care about you. They will only hurt you. Those of us who are sensitive and conscientious cannot understand the callousness with which most people operate. They don’t intentionally hurt us, it’s just their nature. But that’s no excuse and you have to protect yourself.
by Anonymous | reply 20 | November 24, 2021 6:02 PM |
Also, OP, don’t allow them to get away with disrespecting you. I’ve had people do this to me and I always let them know how unappreciated their rudeness and disrespect are.
It may sound silly, but I always do a little ritual whenever this happens. Write the person’s name on a piece of paper. Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.
It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel. And sometimes, some of the things you wished for will come true!
And if one of these cunts ever has the gall to come crawling to you asking for a favor, spare no compassion for them whatsoever. Make it clear that you will not help them in any way. If you do, you will appear weak and they will continue to take advantage of you.
These people don’t care about you. They will only hurt you. Those of us who are sensitive and conscientious cannot understand the callousness with which most people operate. They don’t intentionally hurt us, it’s just their nature. But that’s no excuse and you have to protect yourself.
by Anonymous | reply 21 | November 24, 2021 6:03 PM |
R19 is an example of one of these vile cunts. Once they’re finished with you, they just want to erase you from existence. You and your feelings never mattered to them. They suck the life out of you and then deny you any opportunity for closure, leaving you to twist in the wind, to drive yourself mad wondering what went wrong.
I hope a grackle swoops down and bites off your pecker, R19.
by Anonymous | reply 22 | November 24, 2021 6:09 PM |
R21 just ran over a bunch of dancin grannies.
by Anonymous | reply 24 | November 24, 2021 6:11 PM |
R22 People expect too much from their friends. They should either transfer their love to a dog...or to OLASJC.
by Anonymous | reply 25 | November 24, 2021 6:11 PM |
R21 I never forget, rarely forgive and prefer to ghost these types. If they suggest we hang again after any of these episodes, I say yes and leave it at that.
by Anonymous | reply 26 | November 24, 2021 6:13 PM |
Life is long and we are in an especially weird phase of life right now. Depending on your age, your friends could be prioritizing post-Covid dating or reconnecting with family first. Don’t make any harsh moves, leave some space for them to approach you.
by Anonymous | reply 27 | November 24, 2021 6:18 PM |
Somebody should transfer a rusty nail to the inside of R25’s pancreas.
by Anonymous | reply 28 | November 24, 2021 6:28 PM |
R28 Oh look. It's the reboot of Dorothy Parker, quipping among us. And like most reboots, it has twice the zeal, yet half the wit.
by Anonymous | reply 29 | November 24, 2021 6:43 PM |
It amazes me how much you guys obsess over friendships. How old are you? Fourteen? Even fourteen-year-old straight boys don't worry about friendships the way you guys do! If someone doesn't want to be friends with you, fuck 'em! There's a big world out there -- you'll meet plenty of people who will want to be your friend.
I just joined an organization and met a nice women who I thought wanted to be friends. I called her yesterday and she didn't call me back. I know it's a holiday week -- maybe she'll call me some other time, maybe not. But so what? I know a lot of people. And I'm sure I'll meet more people from that organization over time.
If I need a ride somewhere, I know at least one friend locally who I can count on to give me one, and probably more. And I have two friends who I've known for a long time, the kind of friendships you have where we've even fought like cats and dogs and then made up six months later. They're not local, but we talk on the phone every few weeks and see each other once a year when I go "up home."
So stop acting like a bunch of adolescent girls and get the fuck over it, OP! Get out of the house and meet a better class of people. You'll be glad you did.
by Anonymous | reply 30 | November 24, 2021 7:07 PM |
OP, adults do not write the sort of Miss Pity screed you subjected us to here.
Anonymous posters on the DL are not the target of your self-pity and cluelessness (since you profess not to have understood the (apparently) many bad relationships you called "friendships." But you bully us with your smug-ass fat-girl whining. Are we a dog to kick when you're drunk and feeling like an asshole?
Those people you piss on us about have your number. And now so do we.
by Anonymous | reply 31 | November 24, 2021 7:17 PM |
People shouldn't have to tell you they don't want to be friends anymore OP, you should have gotten the clue a long time ago. You sound overbearing.
by Anonymous | reply 32 | November 24, 2021 7:20 PM |
Tiresome.
by Anonymous | reply 33 | November 24, 2021 7:22 PM |
Would you really rather an explicit conversation? “The more I got to know you, the more I realized that I don’t like you?” “You’re Debbie Downer?” “All you do us complain.” Sometimes, ghosting is the kindest thing.
by Anonymous | reply 34 | November 24, 2021 7:31 PM |
OP, do you mind answering the very first post in this thread : "Age range of you and your friends?"
Let's say you and your friends are in their 40's...
If you are as easy-going as your are easy-to-read, no surprise in your predicament. At 50 years old, I have decided to totally avoid needy people with unrealistic demands. I would leave you like your friends did just to avoid that insane drama (if you listened to your friends, they would tell you things).
There are clear signs of borderline personality disorder here, and you need to learn that if your parents failed to give you attention in your early life, you can't ask your friends (or anybody) to do the job in their place later in your life.
Nobody will owe you anything until you realize that you owe yourself something important : healing.
Like all of us, you deserve to be happy but you are far from even starting to get there. Why not try therapy?
by Anonymous | reply 35 | November 24, 2021 9:17 PM |
At least I have a husband, OP.
by Anonymous | reply 36 | November 24, 2021 9:28 PM |
One tip if you decide to go, OP, when you realize nobody really wants you there: avoid the chowder.
by Anonymous | reply 37 | November 24, 2021 9:34 PM |
Nothing lasts forever. Nothing. So just get on with it.
by Anonymous | reply 38 | November 25, 2021 12:03 AM |
OP, never forget that Hell is other people. Secure your financial independence and get a dog.
by Anonymous | reply 39 | November 25, 2021 12:07 AM |
I think a lot of people see their friends as family but unfortunately it is rarely reciprocated. I learned that a long time ago and gave up on all of them.
by Anonymous | reply 40 | November 25, 2021 12:11 AM |
Sometimes if you seem too eager, people get a little freaked out and they avoid you. Also if you don't have at least a little bit of arrogance or you seem too easy to please, nobody is going to think your cool and value your presence and time. It doesn't seem intuitive, but its what I have learned the hard way. It's sorta like how some women like to date the "bad boy". It doesn't make sense until you really dissect what's going on in the heads of the people involved.
Now is the time to be alone. Curate the lifestyle that you aspire to have. And then begin to attract like-minded people to you. They are going to see all of the fun that you are having alone, and they are going to want to join you. Also meet a few therapists and find the right one. They will probably have better ideas to improve your social situation, that are more tailored to you and your individual situation.
by Anonymous | reply 41 | November 25, 2021 1:19 AM |
I wouldn't worry, OP. Iphones and streaming services have made friendship difficult indeed they have eroded the idea of the friend as a source of amusement, of comfort, of entertainment. A friend requires effort that most people are unwilling to make. It also requires a technology that allows for direct contact -- an idea that is counter to texting, where we respond, if we respond, when we feel like it. Landlines were very useful for friendship (of course, this happened before robot calls from India). Now we cultivate our boundaries and nurture or fragile selves as if they were rare plants. It's not you, it's the world, or at least the first world where people have, regrettably, been atomized.
by Anonymous | reply 42 | November 25, 2021 1:22 AM |
R27, that reads like a list of excuses. I just refuse to put in the effort anymore. I string people along now. I make them work for my attention now. Many people won’t bother. The ones who do are the ones you want.
[quote]Life is long
It most certainly is not. Every year goes by quicker than the last.
by Anonymous | reply 43 | November 25, 2021 1:37 AM |
I would like to add to what [R42] said. I discovered quite recently that people, not everybody, but enough of them, treat others like they're apps on a phone. They're incapable of holding a conversation, so they communicate via text. If they don't like what you tell them, they don't reply. Or they punch and delete. Other people don't have feelings or needs, they're words and images on the screens of their phones. Next. It's a harsh realisation.
by Anonymous | reply 44 | November 25, 2021 1:44 AM |
My mom has seemed a little “off” and quiet and lonely the last year or so. She works/worked in a big office for years and everyone has always been friendly and social. She has known most of these people at least 20 years. Last week when I stopped over I noticed a photo laying on the counter. It was taken at an office bbq the summer before COVID. There were about 20 people in the photo - laughing, hugging, talking, joking - and my mom was by herself - sort of alone in the group - no one was relating to her - she was sort of concentrating on her piece of cake. It really made me sad to see how disconnected she was from the group - I didn’t say anything - I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
by Anonymous | reply 45 | November 25, 2021 2:08 AM |
Do you have pets, OP? They're much easier to deal with...unconditional love. People are too hard...for me, also.
by Anonymous | reply 46 | November 25, 2021 2:20 AM |
R45, I am sorry to read about your mother.
There are many people on Twitter who are saying their isolated parents have developed dementia (or much worsened dementia) simply from isolating.
Can you find someone to call her to chat (in addition to yourself)? There are non-profits that pair people up.
by Anonymous | reply 47 | November 25, 2021 2:28 AM |
Maybe you're too fat? Have you considered losing weight?
by Anonymous | reply 48 | November 25, 2021 2:30 AM |
R35 I completely agree with you. I have known a lot of people for a long time. I’m 54 and my needs have changed as has my patience level for neurotics, of which I’ve known many.
Case in point…I recently gave up a friend I have known since 1986 (albeit, it’s intensity ebbing and flowing normally over the years). Long story short: she has become needier and I have become less tolerant. She has been exceedingly pushy about wanting to do FaceTime not telephone calls. Hard pass. If I’m on a phone call with someone, I need to be able to multitask. Especially her because her calls last at least an hour.
Then, recently and for the third time in about a year, she asked me to do a standing biweekly call with her (!!!) Each time, she has acted like she hadn’t already asked me and gotten my polite declines. This last time (while speaking on the phone) I tried to say “no,” but she said “think about it and text me your answer.”
That was about 4 weeks ago and I have no intention of ever getting in touch with her again. I actually feel lighter and have a nice sense of relief.
by Anonymous | reply 49 | November 25, 2021 2:33 AM |
[quote] It may sound silly, but I always do a little ritual whenever this happens. Write the person’s name on a piece of paper. Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.
I love this, especially complete with black candle. R20 - I hope you are totally serious about this.
I think as you get older, it is harder to cultivate new relationships and friendships. The best friendships for me are the ones where there is a lot of history. Not all gays have wonderful families and some have invested in longterm friendships as their family of choice. It's not anyone's obligation to remain it contact, but it still hurts to feel like you are not valued or loved by your friends.
by Anonymous | reply 50 | November 25, 2021 3:08 AM |
Thanks #45 - yes I have been trying to get her more involved with different things. I feel bad that her old friends don’t call. She calls them. It is stuff that you just don’t think about ahead of time.
by Anonymous | reply 51 | November 25, 2021 4:15 AM |
This isn't Facebook, op.
by Anonymous | reply 52 | November 25, 2021 5:40 AM |
With all that going on OP, I understand why you've never asked me if I'm okay.
by Anonymous | reply 53 | November 25, 2021 6:52 AM |
[quote]Close your eyes and visualize the person. State how they have wronged you and all the things that you wish to happen to them as recompense. Then burn the paper with a black candle.
In case you didn't know, each time you do this you are putting a black smear on Your own soul. negative energy is never good. I try to always ask, if I ask at all, to please let me just accept that this is the way they are and I move on.
by Anonymous | reply 54 | November 25, 2021 2:17 PM |
OP, they've moved on. You need to, as well.
Some of us are very wounded by these changes, but it's not always a reaction to YOU, specifically.
This book helped me a lot. Check it out.
by Anonymous | reply 55 | November 25, 2021 2:20 PM |
It's sad we have to play games with people in order to have them see our true worth, which is what some of these posts seem to amount to. There is some good advice sprinkled on this thread, however. When I left college it was amazing how many of my so-called "friends" turned out to be circumstantial . The glue that bonded us was gone. I did waste time running after people who turned out to be mostly interested in themselves and their ambitions. I myself have always been interested in finding real friends. I can say now that I'm much older my true friends are few, but at least I know they love me for me. Wishing you such people.
by Anonymous | reply 56 | November 25, 2021 2:32 PM |
Feel free to MARY! me viciously, but I have been through the same mill with friends.
I now think of friends the way I would wildlife. I have a back yard with a bird feeder. Certain birds come during certain seasons and I love seeing the snowbirds in winter, the robins in spring, and all the rest of the passing parade of critters. When they come, I enjoy them. When they fly away, well, that's how birds are. Maybe they'll be back, maybe not.
We all wish we could rely on friends to be there for us and support us. But the vast majority of "friends" flit in and out of our lives. I've learned to accept it and enjoy it when we connect, and try to forget about it when they disappear. I reach out once, lightheartedly, and if I don't get an answer, I leave it. I might hear from them six months later, or I might never hear again. Whatever. No use being resentful. They are what they are, and really the fault is mine if I ask for something they're not capable of giving. Wild birds can never be pets, and most "friends" can never be more than just temporary companions.
by Anonymous | reply 57 | November 25, 2021 2:34 PM |
No one likes you op.
by Anonymous | reply 58 | November 25, 2021 2:38 PM |
I’ve gone through something similar. I use to have a huge network of friends. I had a bout of cancer and then I started drinking to much (at home), so I quit drinking. The party invites diminished and the phone calls stopped. I did go to a party and asked one of my closest friends why we quit hanging out, he said that I started acting to old. I was on SCRUFF one day and sent a message to one of my friends(not sexual), I sent my phone number to him and told him to call me sometime. The logical thing I would have thought was that he would have given me his phone number, he didn’t. So here we are several years later, I’ve just decided it is what it is. I still have those important, long time friendships and those are the ones that I embrace. Essentially, you know who your friends are when a crisis happens…the cancer thing and my drinking. To say I’m disappointed is an understatement but at least I now know who my true friends are.
by Anonymous | reply 59 | November 25, 2021 2:39 PM |
R57 has a good perspective.
by Anonymous | reply 60 | November 25, 2021 2:43 PM |
I just can’t be like R57. It’s not in my nature. I must have revenge. I’ve always been like this. Someone always has to pay.
by Anonymous | reply 61 | November 25, 2021 3:33 PM |
R57 My motto is "water the flowers that grow."
I was, like OP, always trying to keep relationships afloat. But I know my time and energy are precious, and I share them now with people who respond to me.
I don't mean that in a quid pro quo sort of way. Relationships ebb and flow, and sometimes a friend may have an issue or problem and lean on you more, etc. But in general, I need to see some sort of ping back saying, this person wants to continue being a friend.
I've also been the person in the last 10-15 years that shut my door for a few people. Nothing personal to any of them, but "Remember when?" is not a basis for a friendship. It can add richness to an ongoing relationship, but I also need to be friends with who they are now, and have them ask after what's happening in my life NOW.
R57 Great analogy. I think too many gay men want to treat every friend as family, and that was another lesson I learned, to recognize the difference between friend and acquaintances and treat each accordingly.
R61 That's not healthy. Please seek therapy.
by Anonymous | reply 62 | November 25, 2021 4:14 PM |
[quote] But I know my time and energy are precious, and I share them now with people who respond to me.
What if no one responds to you? I can promise you that if I stopped reaching out to any of my friends, I would never hear from any of them again. It’s devastating to realize that.
by Anonymous | reply 63 | November 25, 2021 9:09 PM |
This is why you find a partner.
by Anonymous | reply 64 | November 26, 2021 1:21 AM |
This is why you find a dog.
by Anonymous | reply 65 | November 26, 2021 2:26 AM |
If multiple people keep blowing you off, then the problem is indeed you.
by Anonymous | reply 66 | November 26, 2021 2:30 AM |
The problem is you are trying to control others. When you let go of expectations of others, you are likewise freed of expectations with them. Engage people who engage you equally.
by Anonymous | reply 67 | November 26, 2021 2:48 AM |
You got old OP. You are less attractive than you once were and people are less interested in you. It will be harder to make new friends and even if you do they'll be even more superficial than the ones you had before. Nobody is going to tell this to you. You find it out for yourself. Aging, being lonely and being rejected sucks. Accept it. At least you have DL to bitch on even if we don't care that much because what we really want to discuss is how new musicals suck and that the current revival of Company is longer that the restored Lawrence of Arabia.
by Anonymous | reply 68 | November 26, 2021 2:58 AM |
by Anonymous | reply 69 | November 26, 2021 2:58 AM |
OP, it's hard to maintain friendships when you no longer have the same things in common. Whatever brought you together with these people initially (school, work, common friends, similar interests, etc) has passed. People move on. Do yourself a favor and let it go.
by Anonymous | reply 70 | November 26, 2021 3:00 AM |
I know what you mean OP, don't listen to the bitter queens in here, you probably are a nice person,but the world has gone crazy, people forgot what courtesy and kindness is about.
One day they will find themselves lonely.
by Anonymous | reply 71 | November 26, 2021 5:49 AM |
I’m sorry OP. I think your expectations are too high. I gave up trying to be “social” years ago. Sometimes we socially inept types just don’t fit in anywhere, especially if our intellect exceeds those of the people around us. One reason I come to DL of all things.
by Anonymous | reply 73 | November 26, 2021 6:46 AM |
[quote]Curate the lifestyle that you aspire to have. And then begin to attract like-minded people to you.
And I thought I was a little fancy.
by Anonymous | reply 74 | November 26, 2021 3:34 PM |
R49 I multitask while Facetiming! It's weird only women in my life like to facetime, but they don't need the camera aimed at your face the whole time. I think they really just want a peek at you at the beginning and end of the talk. I have facetimed while driving, eating, shitting, or typing. They are usually doing the same and neither of us cares about looking into each others eyes for the duration of the 1+ hour chat. BTW, I make sure to mute my microphone when a big one splashes down in the water so the other side doesn't know.
by Anonymous | reply 75 | November 26, 2021 5:36 PM |
[quote]I make sure to mute my microphone when a big one splashes down in the water
Faecestime.
by Anonymous | reply 76 | November 26, 2021 5:52 PM |
R75 I am way too uptight to poop while FaceTiming. I have while speaking on the phone but it was an unexpected and hurried incident.
by Anonymous | reply 77 | November 26, 2021 6:17 PM |
I don’t see OP as borderline. I see someone who is sensitive and is totally fed up after years of trying to reach out and be the glue that has held his friendships together. He’s had sufficient.
by Anonymous | reply 78 | November 26, 2021 6:19 PM |
Borderline would involve him being more vengeful and even stalking them.
by Anonymous | reply 79 | November 26, 2021 8:31 PM |
R79, maybe being vengeful and stalking pushed people away... we don't know much since OP is not an active participant in his own thread... we can only speculate (and project our own behaviors)
by Anonymous | reply 80 | November 27, 2021 12:27 AM |