An acquaintance is trying to get too close

Forgot to add - I don't have (or want) sizemeat verificatia, should that matter here.

grow some balls and block him

You in danger, gurl!

If you have time to write a post like this on DataLounge but claim that you don’t have enough time for a new friend, you should check yourself.

Save the guy some time by admitting that you are a self-involved jerk that places no value in others.

Stalkery people are creepy. Ghost it.

Also, it's your own fault for still having a Facebook acct.

Ignore him. Say you have FB Messenger but go months without checking it.

(You only have to do the above if you run into the guy and he asks.)

It’s always the freaks that overdo it. A guy I know told me when he was a kid he moved to a new school. The first day there this kid’s all over him wanting to be his friend. So my friend was glad to know some there. It took a few days for him to realize that kid was all over him because he was a freak and all the other kids hated him.

[quote]How do I politely slow this down a bit?

OP, if you don't already know the answer to that question, you should not be on social media.

Please tell us why you are supporting Mark Zuckerberg's businesses.

You could just go ahead and hook up, if only to have an excuse to never speak to him again.

[quote]DL is really the epitome of good manners and social norms

I genuinely snickered at that. My serious response would be that I would probably not answer or sporadically. Someone I went to school with emailed me recently. I never really liked them mostly because they made fun of me, and it had been at least 10 years since I'd last interacted with them. I just.. hit 'archive' on the email. I'm too old to humour people I don't really want to.

Is OP an introvert?

There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to add a new friend to your life, especially if you put a lot of energy into your friendships and they are meaningful to you. (You aren’t a jerk!)

- Wait one week (not exactly, that’s suspicious) since the last time you responded in any way to his messages (including liking 👍🏼 anything).

- Send a very short message with a lukewarm tone saying “Just seeing this. Sorry, busy week and I don’t check this often. Hope you are well and I’ll see you around.” (No exclamation points that convey enthusiasm!)

- Don’t respond after that to any messages. Don’t even open them, if the app tells him whether you’re checking. Just let them sit as if don’t even give this a thought.

- Next time you see him in person, be cordial - say hello, how have you been - but keep the interaction short and as you leave, say something like “Good to see you, but I need to go catch up with my friend Bob over there. Bye!” Don’t let him barnacle with you around the party.

What you are trying to do is make obvious to him that he is in your acquaintance circle, not your friend inner circle. You can do this without making him feel like he got slapped in the face as long as he can pick up on social cues. If you do this well, he saves face (no explicit rejection) and you leave the door cracked open for him to become your friend after you get to know each other over a longer period of time.

If he is totally without social sense and is the confronting type, then you’re dealing with a different animal. If he keeps messaging you, not a handful of times but many over a period of weeks, if he finds another way to contact you, then I would send a short message saying:

“Hey John, you are so nice to offer to get together but my life is in a hectic phase at the moment and I’m experimenting with making fewer social plans and keeping more time set aside for myself. I’m sure we’ll bump into each other at Mark’s house again and we can catch up then. Thanks, OP.”

Then never respond to any of his messages again. If he really is a stalker, he will take any response (nice, mean, angry, weird, neutral, etc) as positive feedback that he is getting a response from you, so it would be important not to give him anything.

He needs a friend. Would it kill you to grab a coffee with him?

tell him you're straight. he;ll retreat.

It's very simple, no one's forcing you to respond to his every post. Simply ignore them and if you want to remain friendly respond on occasion when you have the inclination.

Considering Halloween is around the corner, ghost him.

He's obviously needy. Someone I had hoped not to run across again (we chatted once months ago, before he left town for the summer), resurfaced in my life this week. Didn't exchange contact information, but I had to really work hard at politely ending the encounter after quite a while.

R13 gives the best advice.

You slow things down by not being so responsive. There's no need to be rude. Just don't respond to his posts immediately or respond by giving a thumbs up reaction or other such things. The point is, don't engage too often. But don't ghost him entirely. Life takes funny turns and you never know when you'll be glad he's around. Be kind, but be busy. You're making too much of this. And honestly, would it cost you so much to have a coffee with him every two or three months? Some people are absolutely evangelical about recruiting/collecting new friends, then there are those who are averse to it and resist. Whatever.

Watch the cautionary tale that is Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky!

[quote] Life takes funny turns and you never know when you'll be glad he's around.

Florence Shinn, in her book of advice, tells the story of a woman who found a male acquaintance incredibly annoying. After a while, however, he put her in contact with someone who was able to do her a great favor, and then promptly disappeared from her life.

OP, tell the guy you have ALS.

I do think it’s important to leave things open to develop with the relationship (absolutely true that life can surprise you!), but also that OP is probably picking up on signals and red flags that aren’t obvious to the peanut gallery here. OP, I say trust your gut unless you know you go overboard with stuff like this due to anxiety or avoidant tendencies.

All Zers ghost everyone they meet, work with, work for, and fuck. Learn how to ghost, you stupid repulsive cunt.

I thought as much too R24, because from the post ("I met a nice guy") it's unclear why the OP does not want to be friends with this guy.

Other missing details:

• Did he just move from somewhere else and doesn't really know anyone?

• Did he just get out of a long-term relationship and is looking to make new friends?

• How does your friend know him and what is their relationship?

• How old are all of you?

• Was there something more than being a "nice guy" that you connected on, e.g., both big fans of Cher (hey--it's DL), both went to the same college, work in the same field?

Well?

Both fans of Cher? You certainly are the most cliched stone age gay, with the prolapsed anus to prove it.

You're so full of yourself, OP! I'm sure it's not what you're thinking at all. If you looked out your window right now, you might be surprised to find one of his formers trying to warn you about this love 'em and leave 'em guy!

Is he gay, OP?

OP, can I have your stuff?

Any updates, OP?

OP said he was meeting a new friend for coffee 4 days ago, and no one has seen or head from him. He hasn't used his credit cads and calls go straight to voicemail.

If he's hot, keep him. If not, ignore.

I have ignored him. It really escalated quickly - numerous messages a day the first few days. Things like "Can you believe this weather? I think you mentioned you run, will you go running in this? I often think of taking up running. How do you stay motivated?" A few hours later, a completely new set of questions. The last one he sent, which I did not open, but could see the preview, was a picture of some outfit and asking me if I thought it matched and looked good together.

It's just very strange, because he seemed quite normal the evening I met him. My original friend has worked with this guy's sister for several years, and I guess they have met numerous times that way. The weirdo guy is apparently single, and I did not ask anything about whether he was gay or not. I don't really even want to ask, because that would probably mean my real friend, would then ask coworker (weirdo's sister), who would then tell this guy I'd inquired. I don't want him to think I have even the slightest interest in keeping our chat going in any way.

I've not opened or responded to any messages from him this entire week. I regret answering those first few, because it opened a floodgate.

R34 I think you're doing the right thing, just ignore. I'm actually kind of getting borderline personality disorder vibes from this because they can get abnormally over the top full-on despite barely knowing you.

R15 has obviously never had to escape from the clutches of an emotional vampire.

I see a bit of myself in OP's stalker.

Sooo desperate to make friends. So needy.

I saw other people have it. why can't I?

I'm older now and happier. I pull back. I don't try to make things happen. I just let them unfold.

I still long for friendship but enjoy my own company.

And I have books I love to read.

[Quote] “Hey John, you are so nice to offer to get together but my life is in a hectic phase at the moment and I’m experimenting with making fewer social plans and keeping more time set aside for myself. I’m sure we’ll bump into each other at Mark’s house again and we can catch up then. Thanks, OP.”

Love this from R14 and it's an example of DL being the epitome of good manners as OP states. This is perfect and I'm keeping this for future reference.

Reading through these posts convinces me that r4 is spot on. OP doesn’t seem to have the grace or social savvy to come up with what r14 suggested…

r37 me too. I feel I lack the gene that determines "appropriate getting to know someone else" behavior. I can be too intense at the beginning of a friendship, but it's almost like I can't help myself.  For example, I recently met a guy a little older than me (15 years) and clicked with him right away. We seemed to have a number of things in common. (Jury's stll out on whether he is gay or not. I know he's not partnered, but the topic has never come up beyond that.) He was incredibly kind and generous to me and listened when I talked about losing my mom to Alzheimer's. He'd been through something similar with his father. I got to be annoying, though, in my need to talk to him.

I don't know if my intensity was off-putting or not. I'm sure it was on some level though, and I also recognize that that intensity may have ruined my chances of a genuine friendship with this guy.

Not all people like the guy in OP's scenario lack self-insight. They might just not know how to behave in a healthier way.

[quote] The last one he sent, which I did not open, but could see the preview, was a picture of some outfit and asking me if I thought it matched and looked good together.

Oh boy! OP I think you’re on the right track to not inquire about him or give any indication of interest.

R40 I am sure that must be hard. But I bet your willingness to put yourself out there has also led to friends and romances through the years that I’ve missed out on by being more reserved and not trusting new people. It might not be appealing to everyone but then what is?

GTF off of Facebook!

R37 Yes! Qween. Because books are the perfect substitute for human touch.

R37 pretty much said what I have to add.

I think I'm too aloof and discourage people from developing a friendship. I'm fine at medium sized social gatherings, but I avoid crowds and intimate gatherings make me shut down unless I've known the person a long time. I come across as distant or uninterested, when the truth is I'm very reserved and even shy. Not good at small talk. Now I do love the Avengers. So when a MCU movie comes out and people stat talking about it, I will join in enthusiastically. Too enthusiastically, and long after other people have exhausted the topic I'm still chattering and late I reflect on it and get embarrassed. I do that a lot too. I review my behavior and criticize myself.

R45 this sounds like you are an introvert.

R46, I don't enjoy being one. I feel bad all the time and have anxieties about it. I'm fine at work, comfortable, I can talk about work all day, but in a social environment it's a different story. I seem to miss social cues. There are lots of awkward pauses. Sometimes I will unintentionally intrude on a group conversation, like at a cocktail party, I wander up to say hello, and it's like I was interrupting something private. It makes me feel dumb. I'm old enough to have worked all this out by now. I'm 48.

OP, you are making far too much out of nothing. Jesus! It is Facebook. No need for you to make any reply.

I will block him when he asks to borrow money, otherwise there's nothing to fret about. And I believe this is OP's ego defence mechanism overreacting again.

OP coming home from the market.

Breaking into groups can be a whole separate skill, R45, which doesn't always work well.

Throwing out the red flag that if you meet someone who seems to bond surprisingly well with you immediately, it could be a narcissist doing mirroring.

R45, r47, I encourage you to get some reading done on what makes introverts tick. I think that you’re judging yourself way too harshly. Do your research. You’ll find out that solitude is your best friend and it’s how you get your energy.

Take days to respond. He’ll answer within a heartbeat. Again, take days to respond.

You set the pace. If he really wants to be a friend, he’ll put up with it. If he’s frantic, he won’t.

Either way, you win.

R43, believe me, I'd take a pal over a book any day but having seen myself in OP's admirer I have learned to pull back.

I now err on the side of caution.

My last experience was horrific; a sociopath kept pulling me towards him with one hand and pushing me away with the other. He'd share all kinds of intimacies with me -- problems with an ex, problems with changing jobs, that HE'D TRIED GAY SEX but didn't like (???) -- and then, act weird if I went to share something going on with me.

Right, when I decided I'd had enough and thought okay; I'm done, he'd pull me into a hug and call me buddy.

Then, he'd turn around and call me needy. Ultimately, I'm responsible for my own actions and I also feel crushees should not play mind games with people who are just looking for friendship.

Still curious OP

• Has your friend ever interacted with this guy other than in a group with his sister?

• Is this guy new in town/recently out of a long-term relationship--something that would explain why he was perhaps overanxious to make friends? Or is he just sort of overly needy and socially awkward?

Tell him you’re not interested or unfriendly and block. Don’t be a pussy. This passive aggressive shit of pretending you never check your account or leaving him to say hi to your friend Bob at a party is dishonest.

R56 seems to be one of those who readily employ meanness or rudeness under the guise of honesty…

R56 Mild dishonestly is justifiable if it helps someone and doesn’t hurt anyone. Here, it’s a way of letting the new guy know to stop trying without explicitly rejecting him.

Do yourself a favor and close your Facebook account, or don’t come here whining for advice.

Yes, I was just going to say: close down your Facebook account.

Hiss!!

Facebook is too modern!!!

Hissss!!!!

We prefer delivering calling cards in person

It seems r61 has a slow leak…

So much DRAMA. It's not this big deal. You do not need to shut down your FB account (!), nor do you need to "politely say" to him "I don't really have time right now to invest in a new friendship," which is self-important.

He's trying to flirt with you, and you're not interested, so you just ignore him and don't respond to his emails. If he doesn't take the hint and keeps messaging you after a week or two, you simply unfriend him. Problem solved.

R56 / R59, etc. and a few others have a very active imagination to have inferred much that is not there, and/or have odd anger issues.

Thanks to those of you replying with rational thoughts - much appreciated - was just curious to hear some feedback. I appreciate the non-psycho answers here!

R55 I'm really not even sure. I know he's interacted with the coworker/sister outside of work a few times, but I'm pretty sure he had never met the brother. Perhaps the sister just asked if he could tag along. I'm not even going to dig more into that, because I don't want it getting back to weird guy that there has been any conversation whatsoever.

Anyway, some cool replies here - thanks for that.

R47 If you're still a clueless turd at your advanced age, you will always be that way. Just accept it and move on.

Sometimes gay guys are "under-socialized" because of social media, interpersonal dysfunction and societal stigma. OP's admirer may not know how to initiate a comfortable acquaintance with someone. Social media encourages hot'n'heavy come-ons even if the user is only seeking platonic connections.

I am not on FB for this reason. There is no real social media etiquette. I have social anxiety and I am an introvert. I would write someone off just because I found the intensity of their approach unsettling. It is a reflex I have involuntarily developed due to the trauma of coming of age in the 80s. I would encourage OP not to automatically reject someone just because their approach is bad.

Thanks OP

So we've learned he's not a good friend of your friend or even someone your friend has frequent interaction with.

So next unanswered question-- do you know whether he's mew to the area, recently out of a long-term relationship or something else that might make him more aggressive than usual to strike up a friendship.?

R13 must be a descendent of Emily Post.

OP just ignore the guy. If you somehow hear from him or his friends, tell them, "Oh, I never go on social media. I use a computer at work all day and I don't like to be on the computer when I'm home." If your mutual contact says he's been trying to reach you, say, "Who?" Play dumb and act like you've forgotten him.

I once read in a book about Korea that too many Americans mistake friendliness for friendship. And while I think that's oversimplifying things a bit, it is true for people who are lonely and/or socially retarded. I don't think either applies to OP's pest, the guy isn't normal if he's bombarding you with multiple messages a day after one introduction. People like that don't get subtlety. Ignore, and block him from seeing anything you post on FB.

OP is one of those nelly attention whores. I see a pattern.

[quote]I once read in a book about Korea that too many Americans mistake friendliness for friendship

I believe it, r70

Extended lies about letting him down gently are neither kind nor honest.

Telling him “gee, I’m soooo busy as never check my Facebook but would otherwise, totally be interests in what you are saying but oooh lookie there’s my friend Bob” is rude. To people who can read signals it’s obvious he repulses you. To people who can’t read signals it has him holding out false hope for a connection.

You have two options. Ignore him or ask him to back off.

I don't know...maybe grow up and ignore him?

[quote]mistake friendliness for friendship

R70, that is very well phrased! Thank you.

He will NOT be ignored, r74!

I feel invested in this story now.

Please keep us updated, OP!

Any updates, OP?

Yeah! What happened?

Never, EVER have anything to do with anyone whose vocabulary contains the word, "creepy."

OP, we deserve an update!

Did you get rid of him?

Send him a pic of your micropeen

This isn't difficult.

Just stop replying to his messages.

Keep telling him you’re busy and if he doesn’t get the picture climb a ladder and sing a song about wanting to fuck a bad boy.

He sounds like he’s on painkillers.

This one is pretty easy. Just be like me and be shit at replying to messages. If it’s someone you don’t really want to speak to, just space your replies farther and farther apart and until they hopefully lose interest.

Who wants OP's stuff?

[quote]I think I'm too aloof and discourage people from developing a friendship. I'm fine at medium sized social gatherings, but I avoid crowds and intimate gatherings make me shut down unless I've known the person a long time. I come across as distant or uninterested, when the truth is I'm very reserved and even shy.

I am 100% like this. I'm just an introvert but because I can fake chattiness for short bursts of time to look normal, people are then shocked when I end up shying away from social encounters. I don't really have a lot of friends because of that, but I'm okay with spending time by myself.

R88 Awkward cunts with zero social skills have no choice but to be by themselves. It ain't a choice.

r88 you sound like me.

And r89 sounds insufferable.

R90 I know you are but what am I, cunt. DL is filled with nothing but awkward introverts with zero social skills who live entirely in their imagination.

[quote]DL is filled with nothing but awkward introverts with zero social skills who live entirely in their imagination.

Exhibit A: r91

Janbot is on fire tonight. What an imaginative cunt you are. Cunt.

How anti-social can you be OP? People have done that to me too. I answer when I want to and when I have time. Same with links. I may even send a link maybe once a month to those same people. Not like it's your boss where you have to answer right away. It's supposed to be a social network. Why is this hard? People message a lot on Facebook for various reasons including boredom, having nobody to talk to, or just being home a lot and working from home and taking a mental break. Maybe they think you may be interested in the links or a cool guy. So many people I rarely heard from before except when I saw them in person have started sending links, greetings, etc. One religious girl from work who is in PR sends me a bunch of news stories and pictures of her and her husband's trips...I answer when I feel like it and we talk maybe 3 times a year. Nobody will be offended if you reply a few weeks later except a total nutjob. Relax and go with the flow. I am pretty sure you aren't THAT irresistible to this guy. If he's not gay, maybe he thinks it's cool that he met someone gay and wants to get your view on some current events. My sister's friends, male and female, would send me "gay news" and I wasn't really offended. It's pretty cool that they are thinking of you at all. As long as they are cool, I answer when I get to it.

LOl. No straight man ever wants or needs to know what gay men are "up to", sexually or otherwise. They are not fascinated by us anymore than we are enamored of their love of poking and or eating cunt.

R95 - some straight guys in LA who are super liberal like to have a "gay pal". It's a thing. However, it's usually those guys that are majorly into politics and the environment and the types that volunteer in various campaigns or for diverse causes.

R94 You sound retarded

I was really trying to put some distance b/t myself and a close friend, so I avoided all communication until one day she got me when I was feeling guilty, and I caved and gave her the "I've been busy" excuse. But she really broke it DOWN for me.

She's said, "You can ALWAYS make time for people that you WANT to talk to." It wasn't an earth-shattering revelation, BUT it cut through my bullshit. So maybe you want to take a direct approach here.

I HATE having a conscience.

Better than sounding like an asshole R97.

[quote]grow some balls

Pics please.

I didn’t write the post but R88 is me. Spot on.

r101 and r88 - This is one of the many reasons I can usually be found with my nose in a book.

I like books more than most people

I think some people don’t pick up on social cues on social media. They take a response as an interest to continue the conversation. Now if I converse with someone and my response gets a thumbs up or an emoji with no further response, I don’t continue the conversation, because I assume they are either being polite or are not interested. The dynamic always reminds me of Spike and Chester, where one is trying too hard, and one could give a fuck.

Bump

"Dear Edna,

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.

Gordy Howe.

p.s.--I am gay."

Send him this text: Only when you've got the money, Honey, then will I have the time.

So what has happened since, OP? Has OP been cut up and his penis kept as a trophy by this stalker?

Thumbs up OP

I think this guy sounds more lonely and lacking social skills versus being creepy.

Also, OP have you ever made friends via social media? That’s exactly what this sounds like and what the newer generations are used to.

I’m with you, OP. I’ve learned to be wary of the people who want to be best friends right away. And wary of the people who try to shame you about not wanting to let them get close.

There’s a reason you’re feeling uncomfortable with it. This person ain’t right.

Just say, "I like you. I like spending time with you. But there is... a wall between us. There is a wall."

R25 = The Duchess of Sussex

Update?

I'm at the age where I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't want me.

I'm ashamed to admit I got obsessed with a guy about a decade ago; the thing is there really should be a burden on the 'crushee' -- man up, and let the person down gently.

The guy I got hung up on had a huge ego; he was always looking for someone to fawn over him, but he'd push you away once you did. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It was awful for both of us.

[R116], did you initially have a stage where you felt 100% responsible, like it was your fault that things fucked up? Followed by a wee realization that if the other guy had opened his fucking mouth and said something, things would have resolved much faster, and much better, instead of turning to the worse? And then realizing that it's not their job to take care of you?

I had something like this happen years ago, so I'm interested to see if we experienced something similar in the aftermath.

Take your time replying. Maybe 24 h later, which is the limit for politeness.

R118 Well, he sure is taking his sweet time to respond to this thread.

[quote] He needs a friend. Would it kill you to grab a coffee with him?

In this pandemic, with COVID out there, YES!

What the hell, all this about Facebook. Do not answer him at all. The post is about you, not about a problem.

Is OP David Sedaris trying to get some material for a new book?

OP either killed the stalker guy, was killed by the stalker guy, or they’re now dating.

Well clearly you do not find him cute in the least.

bump

OP, how did this play out?

You need to find the highest building around. Go to the highest floor and jump. Problem solved. One less cunt with stupid posts in this world.

Posters like r127 really put a damper on my DL experience.

There's pointless bitchery, and then there's dark-tetrad trolling.

I just really hate trolls and you all need to jump in a wood chipper. Like now.

I don't have any friends on Facebook - by my choice. I have an account that I use for a couple of groups that I follow, but NEVER post to my page. Anyone that is really a friend, has my number and will text or call me.

Bump

R128 I like gays who can read. Random insults and low-effort negativity just aren’t fun. Gays who can read the fuck out of a bitch, now that’s entertaining.

Just tell him you have HIV and are not taking any medications. I’m sure he will stop messaging you.