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If Only Tallulah Bankhead Were Alive Today: Life Would Be More Interesting

So, dahling, I got off the boat at Laglia, which sounds like a lesbian sex act. I told them I needed some hashish but I really just wanted a few minutes to myself.

And who did I run into but George Clooney sporting big fluffy chin whiskers?

I asked if I could touch his beard and he said of course, so I cupped my hand around Amal's breast and smiled.

Dahling, it was better than Bellagio.

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by Anonymousreply 36September 15, 2021 3:19 AM

Kardashians? Don't they sell rugs in the Valley, dahling?

by Anonymousreply 1August 31, 2021 12:10 AM

Every time Bernadette Peters talks to me I find myself wondering what ever happened to Chip and Dale.

by Anonymousreply 2August 31, 2021 12:23 AM

Dahling. the only thing I know about Trans matters is vampires and non-binary sounds a phobia about abacuses. No offense, of course. But doesn't announcing one's dietary constraints before one has been invited to dine risk seeming presumptuous?

And I do wonder if picky eaters ever get the sense of what a banquet is, poor darlings.

Oh, and I can attest that Miss Jorgensen was a real woman.

by Anonymousreply 3August 31, 2021 12:45 AM

OP: four stars

by Anonymousreply 4August 31, 2021 12:48 AM

(On hearing that Loretta Young wanted her to pay the Curse Jar big time for her crude language)

Oh, here you are, Retta, dear.

Listen, I'll have to owe you until I can get to the bank. I understand your coin slot it so worn out it only takes silver dollars.

by Anonymousreply 5August 31, 2021 12:54 AM

I LOVE Tallulah! She is mesmerizing. There is a funny video in which Bea Arthur describes meeting her, and how Tallulah was a cunt to her (even though they bleep out Bea saying "cunt" in this video).

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by Anonymousreply 6August 31, 2021 1:00 AM

Yes, Disney has come to me several times asking me to do voice-overs as the villain in their cartoons.

I keep turning them down but always tell them thank you for letting me know that there was a lower point possible for my career than that revival of "Milk Train" in 1964.

by Anonymousreply 7August 31, 2021 1:00 AM

Dahling, compared to me Elaine Stritch was a contralto and Bea Arthur a boy tenor.

by Anonymousreply 8August 31, 2021 1:03 AM

I always bring up shish like this with my much younger husband. Celebrities are so careful and d-u-l-l dull today. What I would give for a good old classic bitch today…and one who has a way with words. Instead, we have Chrissy Fucking Teigen.

by Anonymousreply 9August 31, 2021 1:23 AM


Lucy: "You'll have to excuse him, Miss Bankhead, he's from Cuba."

Tallulah: "Yes, I had a feeling he wasn't from Alabama...!"


by Anonymousreply 10August 31, 2021 1:35 AM

Bette Davis, whatever happened to her?

by Anonymousreply 11August 31, 2021 1:51 AM

You know, dahling, they tell me this Miss Bacall person is something of a bitch and I simply don't see it. I lunched with her at the Brown Derby and she was perfectly pleasant after I told her how her husband got his nickname.

Well, perhaps "shell-shocked" more than "pleasant".

by Anonymousreply 12August 31, 2021 2:15 AM

That face, R11! Did you ever see such a tragic face?

by Anonymousreply 13August 31, 2021 2:16 AM

This was one of the comments in R6's link:

[quote] Kate Hepburn, always VERY secretive and closeted about her personal sex life... Was walking into a Hollywood party... As she passed by Tallulah and her entourage, Tallulah said "Kate darling, you are looking Fabulous this evening, join us for a drink, we were just having A Ball discussing how many lesbians there were here tonight"... Kate very carefully answered "I don't understand, what exactly do you mean by A Lesbian?"... Tallulah replied as she raised her straight whiskey into the air in a cheer "Well DAHLING, If YOU Don't know what A Lesbian Is, than trust me, No One Does" (and gulped down her drink in one swallow)

by Anonymousreply 14August 31, 2021 2:19 AM

"The Talban? Some of my best friends were in the Taliban!"

by Anonymousreply 15August 31, 2021 2:20 AM

[quote] I thought this was about Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Heineken? Fuck that shit!

by Anonymousreply 16August 31, 2021 2:24 AM

"Hashtag me, too? Well, ME TOO, darling! Me, too! Why, I was raped by none other than Harvey Weinstein. I was all of twelve when he did it, too. Raped me right there, on his driveway. Oh, it was awful, darling. Just awful, being raped on that driveway. All that gravel, you know, darling. All that gravel. Very uncomfortable. It's why I say, 'If you must rape someone. . .Now, listen darling because you might need this advice one day. . .if you must rape someone, on cotton sheets and a firm Sealy mattress only." By the way, this podcast is brought to you by Sealy. Have sex on a Sealy, I say. All right, then. Who's our next guest? Ah! Marie Osmond! I love a good Asian!"

by Anonymousreply 17August 31, 2021 2:54 AM

Darling, every time someone asks me where I’m streaming I answer “only with close friends and when we’re both in the mood.”

by Anonymousreply 18August 31, 2021 2:55 AM

Isn't it delicious that they're calling those [italic]dahling[/italic] RuPaul girls "Real Housewives of New York City"? None of them can pass to save their lives, of course, especially the "royal" from Connecticut who sounds like Eugene Pallette. Simply a CAUTION!

by Anonymousreply 19August 31, 2021 3:11 AM

I decided to visit one of those little Confession closets they use at St. Patrick's to see what sort of penance deal the priest would offer me.

After twenty minutes of my expositing some of the particulars of my early, I heard the person behind the screen either fanning himself briskly or committing a dubious outrage on himself. And there was nothing furtive about it.

Well, dahling, what could I have expected from a man wearing more lace than my Aunt Augusta could fit into her trousseau?

by Anonymousreply 20August 31, 2021 9:19 AM

... and before the elevator door closed, I told that Ann Coulter, "Dahling, it was such a pleasure to make your acquaintance! You're the nicest hermaphrodite I've ever met!"

by Anonymousreply 21August 31, 2021 8:03 PM

[quote]Bette Davis, whatever happened to her?

She's still recovering from that time I ripped all of the hairs out of her mustache!

by Anonymousreply 22August 31, 2021 8:05 PM

Why don't any of these delightful young men on "The Grindr" give me the time of day? Everybody knows I simply ADORE anal!

by Anonymousreply 23August 31, 2021 8:13 PM

When she left Alabama to head to New york, her father told her to stay away from men and booze. She later recounted, “he made no mention of ladies and cocaine”.

by Anonymousreply 24August 31, 2021 8:17 PM

What an amazing testament to the marvels of modern medicine that one can now achieve "vaginal rejuvenation." It reminds of that time a drunkard accosted me on the street and said, "Y'know, I could really use a little pussy." I told him, "Me too, dahling—mine's as big as a hat!"

Pity, though, that Helen Lawson didn't get the memo—last time I saw her out and about, it looked like she was smuggling a Shar-Pei in her undercarriage!

by Anonymousreply 25August 31, 2021 8:40 PM

Dahlings of the Dayta-Lounge,

I thought you all quite strange with the endless references to "Vivian Vance." [italic]Who is that? Some twee fiction, like Gertrude Lawrence's career?[/italic] I wondered. Then I fired up "The Google" and got my answer—it was dear Cunty from that old Lucille Ball gig! (Or was it "Ball gag?")

by Anonymousreply 26September 1, 2021 2:41 AM

"CORN FELLATIO"? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were referring to that old Julie Andrews stag reel!

by Anonymousreply 27September 1, 2021 3:27 AM

I’m reading a Tennessee Williams bio. He and a few others go to Tallulah’s 57th Street apartment for dinner. She has a maid who serves them who Tallulah calls the name “Cunty.” As in, “Cunty, my glass is empty.” There are so many anecdotes with her, it makes your head spin.

by Anonymousreply 28September 14, 2021 3:36 AM

Vivan Vance?

Dahling, she played a maid and wasn't even African!

by Anonymousreply 29September 14, 2021 12:42 PM

Even I could beat Monty Clift in a sword fight. Why, once when we were cavorting I mistakenly struck it against a match box trying to light a cigarette.

He was abrased, Dahling.

Of course it didn't really matter. Once he asked me to guess where he hid the snooker balls.

by Anonymousreply 30September 14, 2021 12:59 PM

I never understood why the studios thought Bette Davis should play my stage characters on the screen. We were very different people, after all.

I mean, I never killed MY husband, Dahling.

by Anonymousreply 31September 14, 2021 1:18 PM

Hitch was always there to help me down from that ridiculous boat contraption on the Lifeboat set.

And by "help me down," Dahling, I mean plug my lady hole with his thumb because he knew I didn't wear anything under the costume.

"For modesty's sake, Miss Bankhead," he would quietly rumble. "The crew have never seen a modern woman before."

Lovely Alma was not fooled.

by Anonymousreply 32September 15, 2021 3:01 AM

Yes, I knew Helen Lawson. Many years ago, Dahling. Well after her prime.

But then every military post, venereal-disease staff and horsefly knew her, too, wherever she happened to be.

by Anonymousreply 33September 15, 2021 3:09 AM

It looks like a penis...only smaller.

by Anonymousreply 34September 15, 2021 3:11 AM

Joan Crawford was probably the best known actress in Hollywood at the time.

Of course some parts of her were better known than others, Dahling. Her cunt was an institution.

by Anonymousreply 35September 15, 2021 3:12 AM

I let Helen Keller Braille-read my pussy once.

I returned the favor by lip-reading hers.

I have always supported the handicapped, Dahling.

by Anonymousreply 36September 15, 2021 3:19 AM
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