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Real Life Language Translator - Similar to Google Translate But Far More Realistic

Manager who says, "My door is always open to listen to you" = "You will rarely see me in the office and I'll be completely unapproachable should you actually see me"

Data App candidate who says, "I'll have to meet you Downtown at Park or Library" = "I have no car, and I'm likely homeless"

Manager who says, "I want to help you succeed" = "I will second-guess and micro-manage you to the point of insanity"

Friend who says, "You have to come on this vacation with me - it will be the experience of our lifetime" = "I'm meeting a fuck bud in a distant city and I need you to pay half of my expenses"

What are some of your experiences with Real Life Translations?

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 22July 22, 2021 4:32 AM

Employee who says, "We tried that once before back in 2007 and it didn't work." = "Any change you make is a direct threat to my continued employment and I am terrified that holes in my skills will be on full display."

Manager who says, "Oh well I thought it was worth a shot." = "I am a wimp and will allow inflexible staff members to make the workplace a toxic brew.

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 1July 21, 2021 9:07 PM

HR Rep who says, "We're here to protect your rights" = "We're outsourcing your job to a slave labor operation in China"

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 2July 21, 2021 9:12 PM

Anything that HR says is BS

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 3July 21, 2021 9:14 PM

Red-haired friend, who gives you a birthday gift, saying "I thought you'd love wearing these hostess pants with a little black, off-the-shoulder blouse and a big crushy belt and little ballet slippers," =

"You wear frumpy clothes; you have a big fat ass; and you force us to do all the entertaining, because your apartment is a dump."

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 4July 21, 2021 9:19 PM

Guest at your new apartment, "Oh, do you have a dog?" = "Smells like somebody just took a big shit in here."

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 5July 21, 2021 9:22 PM

Friend at a restaurant who says, "Let's make it easier on the Server and just split the bill, " =

"I'm broke, and I'm reduced to scamming my friends to pay for the booze and and food that I can't afford."

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 6July 21, 2021 9:29 PM

HR rep says, "We would like for you to be more inclusive and help us create a culture that celebrates diversity,"

=

"The non-binary coworker with fibromyalgia filed a complaint against you, because you won't fuck "they" or do "they's" work

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 7July 21, 2021 9:32 PM

"Friend" I haven't heard from since Memorial weekend asks "Are you going to the beach next weekend?" Translated: "Can I come down to your beach house and bring my SO, drink all of your alcohol, park my ass on the beach, come home and ask what are you doing for dinner?

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 8July 21, 2021 9:53 PM

Friend who says, "My life is so exciting now, I've started a new podcast!"

=

"I'm still living in my mother's basement, but now I'm recording my conspiracy theories on my iPhone."

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 9July 21, 2021 10:04 PM

"My career is so amazing - I can work from anywhere and I'm making more money than ever!"

=

"I've joined a Multi-Level Marketing scheme, and I'd love to recruit you to join too."

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 10July 21, 2021 10:07 PM

“You’re the love of my life and we will never be apart.”

If I leave before the first of the month, I won’t have to pay my half of the rent.

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 11July 21, 2021 10:11 PM

Lover who says, "You have the most amazing family - you are so lucky!"

=

"I've had sex with your brother, and I'm flirting my ass off, so I can get fucked by your sister's husband."

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 12July 21, 2021 10:15 PM

"You've always been so adventurous and unafraid romantically."

=

"You're a drunken slut who's had every STD in the book."

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 13July 21, 2021 10:17 PM

What did you order? -- I don't want to pay for my own food so can you please ask me if I would like anything? And no, never offer you anything you would actually want to eat:

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 14July 21, 2021 10:20 PM

You're always so discreet about your dating life

means

She does all her whoring around out of town

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 15July 21, 2021 10:22 PM

What's that cologne you're wearing?

means

Jesus, will you stop trying to cover up your body odor with Axe Body Spray?

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 16July 21, 2021 10:28 PM

"Thank God you haven't had Covid - you look so healthy!"

means

"Wow, you really packed the pounds on your fat ass during the quarantine!"

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 17July 21, 2021 10:33 PM

"This is one of the most raw, exciting, and ground breaking television shows ever produced"

means

"We threw a bunch of egotistical nut jobs together, got them all worked up, and now we're calling it a Reality TV show.

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 18July 21, 2021 10:55 PM

I wonder how mindful it works when trying to translate with a language such as German?

For instance, in English you can say, "The door closed on me," but in German you couldn't have the sentence translated that way from English, i.e., with "door" as the subject, because only a human being, not an inanimate object like a door, could actually take the action verb directly and "close" anything. Just little nuances like that would be helpful in such artificial translation capabilities.

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 19July 22, 2021 4:13 AM

American English: "I love how you don't let anything hold you back from being so enthusiastic about enjoying a really good meal!"

Real Life Translator: "You're a constantly hungry hog and love it!!"

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 20July 22, 2021 4:16 AM

He’s very enthusiastic = He had no life outside work and will drive you crazy with ridiculous and time-consuming requests.

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 21July 22, 2021 4:25 AM

HR would never say "We're here to protect your rights" to an employee because that's not what they do.

HR is there to protect the company. They work FOR the company, not the employee and too many people don't seem to understand that.

by Mrs. Fred Mertz, Cynical in the UES reply 22July 22, 2021 4:32 AM
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