I am 46. Never been in love. Is that it?

I've been in love, unfortunately it's been one sided.

But are you unhappy though? Or just want to be in love for the sake of being in love?

R2 I am happy. I have no siblings or niece and nephew. It just hit me today that I am probably going to die alone. The thought of loneliness does terrify me.

I'm 41 and much on the same boat. It's not that I've never been in love but more I've never felt the need to be coupled. I've never been in a long term relationship but I've never really desired it either. Sometimes I feel a little tinge of fear about being elderly and alone but hopefully I'll be mobile and possess the wherewithal to keep living my life much like I do now.

It sounds like you are holding others to unrealistic standards and setting yourself up for failure as a defense mechanism for getting hurt. It's a safe but a rather one dimensional way of living

Love hurts, you bet it does, but when you're in it it's the best drug in the world

Yes that’s it.

R6-,A character on an episode of St Elsewhere said that if you don't take chances in life it assures you won't be happy.

Anhedonia. Google it.

R9 is so slick. Coming into thread and dropping some neat word that he just knows is gonna blow ya mind but he ain't got time to explain more. So kewl.

No such thing anyway. We all watched too many Disney movies growing up.

Love is a Hallmark/Mills & Boon construct.

Lust is real, exciting, exhilarating, compelling, overwhelming, electrifying, earth shattering. Lust grabs you by the heart and the dick in an unforgettable, effervescent ZING! and WOW! There 's no high higher than unbridled LUST.

R12- If you're horny get a blow up doll.

My partner and I have the shared experiences of when we were young. As far as “love,” I doubt it. But we care deeply for one another and give each other something unexplainable.

R14- Another words you two love each other but are NOT in love.

I’ve been very guarded, emotionally, with men most of my life. (I mean in a really emotional way.) Lots and lots of sex, great sex, but truthfully I’ve never had a boyfriend, much less a partner.

Both my parents are… challenging, and a fairly traumatic childhood left me seriously mistrustful of emotional intimacy. I’ve been in therapy a lot of my life and at this point I suspect it won’t change. Though of course you never know.

Is this your theme song , OP?

Nobody wants you, you probably have issues is the reason, just admit it. Most gay men in middle age are single and never have a long term relationship. Or you are looking outside your league, which probably it which I'd what I see a lot.

Never good looking enough, never enough money, body not good enough etc.

What's love got to do with it? Romantic love is nice but.... There's no guarantee it will last. Or that you'll be loved equally in return. The love that my ex and I felt for each other in our 20's eventually diminished after about 10 years, however we stayed together for another 10 years before parting as good friends. We still have an emotional attachment, just not the same kind of "love" we had at the start of our relationship. In my 50's and 60's I've had various romantic relationships. Don't think that because you're 46 that it won't happen for you. (And if it does, the chances the relationship will last are better, IMHO.) Get involved and be active in social activities (both gay and straight) which can lead to meeting new people. Love strikes in the most unexpected places.

How should we know, without knowing you?

In other words…^^^

Eh. Worry about being happy.

You can be miserable and be in a relationship, snd you can be single and be happy. A realtionship is not some magic thing that would solve your problems.

I fell in love at age 43. Hit me like a ton of bricks, and we've been together 8 years.

Don't lose hope entirely, OP.

One word of advice I would give, though, is to have a therapist on hand. It will help you clean out your bachelor cobwebs to be ready for a relationship, and, it will help you respond to your love in a healthy way if you do end up with someone.

I would NOT have successfully navigated falling in love in my 40s, being set in my ways as I was, without my therapist.

The people you've known were probably not worth your love anyway. Don't let it bother you.

As an old man OP will be a burden to his niece or nephew. Hope they refuse to be your power of attorney. Also: OP it does matter that you never fell in love. Why would someone waste their time with an emotional cripple?

For you, OP

R26, meet R17

Fuck this I Wanna Know What Love Is shit, this can be your theme song.

I'm not sure love was a priority for gay men until recently.

We all relied on sex for connection. While some of us found love, we tended to stumble into it rather than searching it out.

I know so many men aged 40 and above who have never been in love or in long-term relationships. It's only hitting them now that they might get older alone. Alternately, I know many who swore off ever having even a BF and found love unexpectedly

I'm in the same boat only I'm in my mid-50s; in my younger days, I felt less confident, less worthy of any kind of real love, but at the same time, I can't think of anyone that I dated that I wish I was still with. I agree that you can be lonely & unhappy in a relationship, but I still can't help feeling there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I've never been *in love* (not lust)

What is "in love," really. I've been infatuated, which is a very strong feeling. The person I've loved most is probably my mom. (As far as unconditional love, someone you'd help bury a body.)

There's nothing inherently 'wrong' with anyone who hasn't had a successful LTR.

Remember, we are gay men (at least this board used to be). We were not at all normalized into society until about a decade ago, and some of us still want to be 'rebels' and eschew 'heteronormative dynamics', but the truth is - having an intimate partner that you trust makes your life better and safer overall. But not everyone manages to find someone - or, they overlook that someone because they were only looking at someone unavailable. Peter Pan Syndrome? Fear of Success? Narcissism? All possible in some cases when dealing with gay men.

We have to be easier on ourselves - stop pressuring yourself that you suddenly have to be partnered. We got a very delayed start to all of this, and it's very unfortunate, and it isn't at all our fault. But, it is our responsibility to take life seriously now. There is nothing inherently wrong with us as a group if we haven't succeeded in partnering as well as our gay and straight peers, but take a careful look at what you can offer someone, and what you cannot. Then look around you. Maybe someone worth dating is right there, waiting for you to notice them. It's what happened to me.

R19- I bought a book years ago about how to meet a 👨. The book was for women ( but who cares)

The book seemed like it was written for secretaries to meet their dreamboats but it had one sage piece of advice- Always dress nice when you go out because you can meet someone anywhere.

I don't know where to begin to answer that question without knowing a lot more about you--exactly what you mean by love, for one thing. Do you mean you're a virgin, or that you've had sexual experiences but never felt a strong attraction and affection towards anyone, or that you've never been in a mutually loving relationship?

R34, OPs own post, that you are blindly responding to, shares very specifically that he is not a virgin.

OP, maybe now that you're older and not so stuck on the high speed sex train, you'll slow down just enough to find the love and/or companionship you are looking for. Also, start looking outside your usual type or location. If you are a bar or gym person, try joining an outdoor activity or hobby club of some sort instead. You'll meet a different type of person. Also, try to find a group with people your age. Don't chase people in their 20s and 30s. Start looking at men in their 40s and 50s instead who might be in the same place you are in life.

r25, you sound like a nasty piece of work.

That feeling of hopelessly falling in love probably only happens when you are younger. Falling in love has a lot to do with hormones and as you age you lose some of that. As you age you tend to get more cynical too. You can love people but the big highs and lows you feel happen more in youth. I'm not saying it never happens.

R32- It’s true , I have not had a successful relationship because I’ve never had ANY relationship.

[quote]R23 I fell in love at age 43. Hit me like a ton of bricks, and we've been together 8 years.

[bold][italic]He’s cheating on you ! ! !

^^

Just kidding : ) Glad you found each other!

Been with the same guy for nearly 30 years now. Still love each other. But we met in our 20's.

[quote]R33 Always dress nice when you go out because you can meet someone anywhere.

I’ve told this here before - but the mom of Victor Garber (who I have a huge crush on) lived next door to me in L.A. The two times I ran into him I was practically stumbling to get my Mail, squinting with a shudder into the sunlight - in a bathrobe, no less.

Once would have been bad enough… BUT TWICE??!

Thanks R40 and R41. Funny you mention that. We are actually monogamous, sex drive not being what it used to be, but before the pandemic we decided to go to a sexy party once. It was a bit weird, but we both ended up having fun with each other, and let a couple other guys in on the action. We decided we'd do it again next year. Then the pandemic hit, LOL.

Maybe some day we will try that again. We're both on board, with the rules in place we both agree to. But, that's after 7-8 years together.

We'd like to weigh in here:

I'd like to comment too:

R37 why am i nasty? You’d date a guy -at 46!- that was never in love ? Never. You wouldn’t.

I fell in love at 46 after never having had a long-term relationship. We were together for many years, until his death.

You're numb, OP.

I’ve never had a relationship. Out of the year maybe it effects me 2 weeks and makes me feel down. I feel that I would never be happy or good enough for someone. Find a hobby and be surrounded by good friends. That will keep your mind off of it.

You'll be fine, OP. I'm a few years younger than you, never been in love. A few people in my family are like this too. My current is the opposite, romantic and able to fall in love. I really enjoy his company but we can't all be emotional about everything.

[quote] Out of the year maybe it effects me 2 weeks and makes me feel down.

Writing English properly might help...