Did you choose someone who is not “the one”?

Interesting article about straight people who settled.

I did, but he became the one.

I went to a wedding.

Another co-worker was there with his girlfriend as his date. The girlfriend introduced herself and the co-worker as “I’m Joanna and this Edward who is not-the-one”.

We must face the fact that we can only find the right one for the right moment, but he will turn into the wrong guy for the next moment or the moment after that.

The One got away because I was young and stupid.

Instead, I tried forever to date guys who seems superficially that they would be like the one, but no one ultimately compared.

I'm pretty sure I met The One after I was already married. Nothing came of it. I'm still married. The pain was agonizing for quite a while. I had my fair share of hookups back in the day, but never felt anything like it.

No. I prefer to be single, thanks.

R4= Carrie Bradshaw

I settled but he became the one. And by "the One", I mean Satan.

Almost 20 years later, he’s so not the one. But he’s the one i live with. At least we didn’t get married

The one can become not the one over time. My first partner was like that. When we met, the connection seemed fated and almost magical. It sustained us for a long time, but he had so many problems. Eventually, I had to move on. After going through therapy and making changes in my own life, I slowly saw that connection fade as I myself got stronger and more emotionally aware. He tried to get me back after I went to therapy, and I flat out said no. I couldn't imagine being back in that relationship again after all the changes I'd made.

My partner now seems like the one for the long haul. I was in a better place emotionally when I met him. We've been together 8 years now. He doesn't have nearly the type of baggage the ex had. I still love spending time with him and the sex is still fulfilling. Unless something majorly shifts, I'm hoping this one lasts.

I don't think my partner is the one. My partner heavily pushed for the relationship to happen at the beginning. The first few years were generally good, but things have been tough for me since. Initially we shared a couple of strong common interests and great sexual chemistry. The interests have faded, as has the sexual chemistry on both ends over time.

I took a big chance, anything but a safe choice from outward appearances, but it turned out right, better than I could have hoped.

R13, curious here. What were some of the signs that it was not a “safe choice”?

I assume 'safe' means 'rich'.

My partner is a nice guy and we are good together, but he is definitely not The One. When I was young I met a few guys who seemed like they might be all that, but when you're young, so much of it is about sexual chemistry, not long term attraction. I don't know if they ever would have really become The One even if they were The One That Night.

Instead I ended up with a rather boring but good person, not a magical one. Worse things have happened.

Like most guys in relationships, a lot of what keeps us together is a combination of fear of being alone, and laziness.

For those that admit to settling, how likely are you to leave your long-term partner now if you happened to meet "the one."

All "the ones" I found turned out to be abusive in one form or another, so I deliberately looked for someone who didn't make me crazy with love. I wanted safe. He turned out to be wonderful, reliable and the best sex of my life. Who knew?

R14: It was a sense from others that a pairing of two different people was odd and probably imprudent: age, different personalities, that we had never lived together in the same country, etc.

I was with someone how was not the one, 25 years later I buried him. I did love him but almost no passion and no sex. But I did love him. I’m remarried and happy. I’m not sure what, “the one” is, but he’s close. He’s fun, sexy, smart, and we laugh a lot. Sex is satisfy and good. I’m happy and centered.

I think we have idealized what “the one” is and expect some thunderbolt to come out of the sky and untold numbers of facials and rim jobs. I don’t think that’s how life and love work.

Mine was right for the moment. But now he’s wrong.

I thought we’d done everything right. We dated for two years then moved in together to see if it would work out. It did. Then we bought a house, fixed it up, and it was still working. Ten years in, we registered as domestic partners and went through the process to adopt a child. Five years after, we bought a “dream home” and settled into la dolce vita. We now have a ten year old, who is perfect. Both our careers are going gangbusters.

Two weeks ago, he came home from work and told me that he’s done. He said that he is miserable, is not attracted to me any more, and just cannot go on. No negotiations, no compromises. He refuses to go to counseling. So I have to say that he was “The One,” but my world just crumbled beneath me.

I don’t think “the one” exists — I agree with R20 that we’ve idealized what “the one” is.

I settled. Twenty years later, we are no longer together and I am happier alone. Don’t settle.

R22, I am so sorry.

R22, that is horrible. So sorry to hear that. People are shitty.

R22 I can't even begin to imagine. Looking back did he express any thoughts of not being satisfied in the relationship or did it seem like it really came out of nowhere?

That's terrible, R22. I'm so sorry.

r22, that's truly blindsiding. How old are you both? Do you suspect infidelity and someone else in the picture or is this some kind of midlife crisis for him?

We're co-dependent.

R22 I’m so sorry. It happened to me 20 years ago but was a slower process of gaslighting and mental cruelty. You’re blindsided but you need to look after yourself so you can be there for your kid. Some suggestions I found helpful, if you don’t mind:

get a supportive friend (not conflicted couple friend if possible)

look into legal advice or mediation (this can be really helpful as well as being less expensive/acrimonious)

Therapy

My first "the one" was dying of aids and killed himself. My second "the one" was a charming trust fund artist and highly paid print and runway model and I only enjoyed his oneness for 6 months and he ghosted me in the middle of Paris fashion week. My third "the one" - I panicked over my fear of real intimacy and focused on silly deal breakers to get out of it. We're still friends. My fourth "the one" lasted well over a decade until he was no longer "the one". My fifth "the one" abandoned me after 3 years to open a hotel in Beirut and I couldn't move there due to my career. My sixth "the one" .....

R22 yikes. Hideous. I'm sorry. At least you're middle class, financially sound though. And you have a son! You'll find another man.

R17, I would not leave my spouse for The (non-spouse) One that I encountered in 2019. We are too deeply integrated in each other's lives, we depend on each other, we have a durable companionate love which is probably rare and shouldn't be discounted, and it's easygoing and pleasant, especially as we get older.

But the desire I felt for the Other One was like nothing I have felt before or since. I bit my whole fist in a bathroom stall one day out of the desire that one put into me. We didn't fuck but I know like hell it would have been amazing. I felt it in my bone marrow. It was like being burned in the soul. I honestly felt legally insane for 3-4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure my spouse knew something was up--and was angry about it--but I ended up going to a pro just to get The Other One out of my head, the desire eventually faded, and we're still married.

I went my cousin Marie's wedding and I drunkenly said, Is he Mr Right? And she just as drunkenly said, Well he's Mr Right now.

Very sorry, R22. Focus on your child, that will help you to keep your balance. It won't always be like this, but I know that's hard to believe right now.

I met “the One”, at a party. He was very handsome and totally my type, he was off the charts smart, very clever and most of all made me laugh like no other. But he was in a committed long term relationship and i ended up becoming good friends with him and his partner. When they broke, he made a drunken pass at me and i dove in. We lasted three years, although i knew in my heart he was still “the One”, but with his many off and on addictions, could never make him truly “the One” for me. So i ghosted him, clean cut, i went into a spiral of hurt, but i had to do it.

I’m now in a 10 year relationship with a great guy, who i really love, but there isn’t the excitement of “the one”. But I’m happy now, and and do not miss the mighty highs and fucking horrible lows of of the person I once knew as “the one”.

here here. I had parents who never split. They loved each other but some years you could see it was more dislike and annoyance than love. But it gives perspective. Not that I've been hetero identified but I just knew from example the one is only temporary. a long term partner can feel in and out of being the one.

I've been with "the one" for nearly two decades. I was 22 when we met, he was 29. I didn't know what I was getting into. He had never had a long term relationship, so he probably didn't know either. I was newly out, never dated a man before. He swept me into his world. Took me out to my first gay club, introduced me to his friends.

Now all these years later... I love him to death. I'd take a bullet for him. But... nothing's perfect. His looks and intelligence are average at best. I bear most of the financial burden, as his job isn't the best (no college degree). He doesn't challenge me in any way. In a lot of ways, I could have done much better. Sometimes I think if I met him just a few years later, there's no way I would have chosen him as a partner. But... I do love him. And he loves me.

hmmmmmmmm

Yep.

Nope. I am ok being single. Been that way for a long time now. I would never settle for anyone. I have a lot to bring to a relationship and I enjoy being in relationships, but at this point I'm tired of wasting my time on people who aren't worthy of me. Too many robots out there with intimacy issues and emotional immaturity.

That article r1 posted was so sad. All those men stuck with women who are only with them to feel safe. I'm sad for the men who likely don't know that their wives would rather be with someone else and those men deserve to be with someone who wants them equally. I would never do that to someone for a sense of "security" whatever that means. I'm assuming to most straights it means money.

I’m 55 and alone. I never found the one and I’d rather be alone than settle. I don’t regret my choice.

I found the one, 33 years later and we are still on our first date. We did the U-Haul thing. I am very fortunate.

All long term relationships were “settling” in some way, because no one’s perfect.

My first “the One” I let slip away but he still calls me drunk to tell me he loves me once a year.

Second “the One” was my physical ideal and a nice man, but our personalities were a bad match.

Third “the One” was the most compatible but he couldn’t hold a job and was never satisfied. We laughed, had lots in common and were very tight. But he became unhappy with everyone eventually and I ended up in the cross hairs.

Now I’m with a man who treats me like gold, but he’s a bit awkward, average looking, poor and overweight. He doesn’t always feel like the one, but we get along and he truly loves me for me. I guess at some point I started liking reliability and kindness more than excitement.

R17, not at the moment, as the ability to live in my current country depends on remaning in this relationship for the time being. It's also more complicated because we got legally married, and the thought of going through a divorce (especially possibly in a different country than where I'm from) sounds incredibly stressful. I might just do the divorce in the future though, I'd have do initiate because my partner has always been into the relationship, and probably gotten more benefits from it, than me. I doubt I'd marry again if we do break up.

I’ve had a few long term relationships but being with “the one” finally makes a huge difference.

The relationship is just so much easier and so much more positive in every way.

I’m lucky

I don't know why people do this, unless they have incredibly low self-esteem and feel somehow trapped, whether financially or because of young children or something.

You only have one fucking life, why waste it with someone who doesn't make you happy? Seriously don't expect a long-term partner to be perfect but the very least you should expect is they make you happy, and vice versa!

R46, people choose partners for many different reasons. “The one” may be a fantasy who you’ll never actually meet, so you partner with someone who’s pretty good.

So many gays die alone because they refuse to compromise with a fantasy

Oh and also too many people are living in a fantasy land if they truly think there's 'THE ONE' out there for them. There are lots of 'Ones' or more likely as Dan Savage sometimes says, a lot of 0.8+ that you can round up to a 1.

Thinking that there is one person and one person only in the whole world that you can have a happy, fulfilling and 'forever' relationship with is immature and pathetic fairy tale bullshit. Whoever you are happy with is 'The One'.

I am 55 as well (but friends have told me that I look MUCH younger 😆). That ship has sailed for me. I spent a great part of my younger years pining for The One. It never really happened for me. And the ones that I did meet? All started with hope but crashed and burned. Something about the two year mark; then it goes south. But I was also a functional alcoholic too, with a history of alcoholism in my family. They were all toxic, including me. So I realize now that I wasn’t and still am not husband material. I’m glad that I am sober - most of my so called friends were just drinking buddies - but in sobriety, I realize that I am my own boyfriend. I just feel so much more comfortable with my own company. Besides, men my age seek younger men. And I can’t see myself accountable to a man for how I spend my time. I don’t like being tied to another person’s schedule. I don’t want to be responsible for their feelings, or want them to be responsible for mine either. It gets lonely at times; especially at holidays. But don’t people in relationships sometimes want their own space from time to time?

The notion of "the one" is not only immature and unrealistic, but arguably damaging and probably one of the single greatest reasons for divorce. It's fundamentally a "grass is greener" mindset that seeks to compare your current partner with an unattainable image. Finally, it's so externally focused that it abdicates all personal responsibility for happiness.

Sure, there are people who are not good matches and people with whom neither you nor anyone else who is emotionally healthy should be in a relationship.

But, the chimera of a "one true love" is a recipe for unhappiness.

My partner is extraordinary in many ways and really annoying in others. The flaws I first recognize are mostly still there. The things I love about him are , too. There's probably no one else who would put up with me as long as he has because I'm also imperfect.

There is one that got away. He clearly loved me but at the time I was into bad boys and my esteem was low. I was sure he'd dump me after getting to know me well. I was protecting my heart. I chose the one I did because we're so similar and get each other's quirks. I could have done worse.

I was married to to “the one” but he left me (guess I wasn’t his one). I’m with someone who is decidedly not the one now.

I'm not waiting for "the one." I am "the one."

Sadly, people often mistake limerence for true love.

I'm not sure there is a common definition for "the one". I think it depends on where you are, what you are open and receptive to, and how you nurture and create love and romance. Everyone who has posted on here feeling they've settled might be really surprised at the reaction they would get if they did something romantic, loving and thoughtful for their partners. Then if their partners start to do the same, and you do have true love and respect for each other, I believe you will create "the one". I guess I'm trying to say that I feel to get "the one" you have to be "the one" to someone else.