Shit your mother says

All kinds of crazy shit. But at least she says "I love you" before she hangs up.

My mother once complained about the Spanish people who owned her local bodega by saying ‘they don’t speak no good English’. PS she was born and raised in the USA.

My mother, describing the waiter at one of her favorite dining places at the time: "Oh yes. Your stepfather took me to the Red Lobster. WE love the biscuits. What did I eat? Oh, I took most of it home. We had the nicest waiter. He was wonderful. He was blacker than the ace of spades."

CRINGE

When my mom retired, she was desperately lonely. I wasn’t used to her calling in the middle of the work day unless it was an emergency. One day she called and in one breath said “I know you’re busy and you don’t like me to call in the middle of work, but I just have a quick question. Did you watch American Idol last night?”

I hung up on her.

Tee-Hee. Oh, my sides, r4.

Asshole

My mother, god rest her soul, used to call.me every day the week before I was scheduled to visit, worrying about the weather on my travel day. It used to bug the crap out of me, but it was because she cared. Miss you, Mom. I hope it’s good weather where you are.

‘Holy Toledo!’

‘Good night nurse!’

‘Oh for Pete’s sake!’

‘That’s the darndest show!’

No one should live to be this old...

Spoken daily by my fully lucid, nearly 101 year-old mother who has lived with me for the past five years since my dad died. The statement is typically followed by a gummy edible a couple hours prior to her 9pm bed time, and is preceded by a 4pm cocktail (or two)

My Mom would give a minute by minute rundown of the crimes committed by her Beagle and repeat the stories of her childhood.

I really miss her though...

My mom can’t tell a coherent story. She rambles and changes topics and doesn’t pause for questions and sometimes I zone out because she’s gone on so long. One time she was ranting away and suddenly I realize she’s just told me a story about somebody who’s body was found DECOMPOSING in an alley after it had been forcibly and repeatedly RAPED. I stopped her finally and said “oh my god. Who was this again?” And she says “oh I don’t know. It was on CSI” and just goes on telling me about some tv show plot like it’s our family history.

Went to hell in a hand basket? WTF does that even mean? Also “Cut a hog in the ass” to indicate a mistake had been made. No clue where that one came from.

One time my mother was (Over the phone) trying to spell our gardener’s name to my (deafish) grandma; his name starts with N. My grandma couldn’t hear & kept saying M? After like 4 tries my mom N as in (tries to think of an N word, what’s a good N word)...N, like negro. She’s the least racist person, I know how her mind was working, she was on the spot & had to think of an N word. I told her later, you can’t say that! And she told me, it’s not like I said the actual N word.

“You is queer just like your daddy and your granddaddy before’”

“You ain’t hustlin no more is you? Them boys down in Kootenai County is rough I tell you what.”

“Does you take them loads raw?”

“Them Chicano boys ain’t workin so hard no more since Buster [my grandfather] done passed in.”

My mother’s now deceased second husband was incapacitated and in a hospital bed at home for the last year of his life. I called once and she picked up the phone and said “I can’t talk now. The aide and I are dealing with a bowel movement. It’s not mine.”

Before my 88 yr old mother passed away she called me and said "I'm calling your brother and telling him his wife is a fat cunt." When I told her she shouldn't do that, she hung up on my and did it anyway. No, I don't miss her mean insanity

lmao!, r14

[quote] told me a story about somebody who’s body was found DECOMPOSING

Oh, dear!

[quote] “Them Chicano boys ain’t workin so hard no more since Buster [my grandfather] done passed in.”

😂😂😂

My deeply Catholic mother who fought non stop with our lunatic bi-polar neighbor over the property lines would often say "I go to church every Sunday and pray that bitch will die!".

Stop struggling.

You seem desperate to post something, OP.

Shit on your mother!

It’s fun to make up stupid stuff, isn’t it?

My mom was in the early stages of dementia at the last, but she said some things that were off the charts.

One was, “Your friends are the types of people who hang out at the dumpsters”.

R24 she didn’t but nice try

My sister (bisexual) got into a long-term relationship with a woman. This woman ("GF") considered herself a "lesbian." However, GF had been married, twice, and had two ex-husbands.

My mom said: "I don't know what kind of lesbian *that* is."

Yawn

"Every time I go to the grocery store I'm hearing all of these unrecognizable languages. It's like The League of Nations."

My mum had so many sayings. Mutton dressed as lamb for an older woman dressed on sexy (slutty) clothes. I almost started giggling walking behind a cross legged man the other day, imagining her saying "He wouldnt stop a pig in a passage ". She was a bit catty, but so fun. Love and miss her.

Mom was a school teacher; once, a student drew a picture of her (the student's) mother and one of my mother. The student's mom's picture made the woman look like a monster. In the drawing of my mom, she looked like an angel.

My Mom is showing these drawings to EVERYONE! She says to me: "Come look at this! I want you to see them since you think I'm so cold and heartless.'

I put my hand on her forearm. "I don't think you're cold and heartless."

"Oh, honey don't...don't touch me."

I meant bow leeged, not cross legged. -R29

Damn, reading this thread has made me realize my 65 year old mother says far less crazy shit than I do. She is always 100% lucid, on point and up to date. It's like the BBC. Me on the other hand....

"bow leeged"

And that's 'oh, dear' x2 for you, R31.

Thank you for clarifying, r31.

For the life of me I couldn’t figure that one out.

These were both said this (and every) morning, before breakfast:

"Let me explain this to you, so you know I'm not crazy"

"If anything happens to me, they'll assume you did it"

R35 no

My mum often sounds as if she invents her own words to the uninitiated. Many of her odd expressions come from Irish habits she learnt from my grandad... "Clur across town" is one that I find funny. My brother often imitates her (only when she's not around) and we have a good laugh. Another one is "Bob Eye" when she's ready to hang up the phone. We adore her.

"I would rather raise a dog than you", "Why do you care about what you wear and how you look - you're not good looking", "Go get a job in a factory. I'm not paying for your college". I despised mine. Thankfully stepfather was kinder, I got a therapist in undergrad, and she's dead.

R36 yes

Lick it up! Lick it up! Oh oh oh!

Where do you live R13? I know Kootenai County well

My mom wasn't particularly quotable, but my partner's mom and my grandmother (RIP) share an inability to remember products by their correct names. For example, my partner's mom (who'll turn 90 on July 4) calls Cesar dog food and Sheba cat food "Little Caesar's" and "Little Sheba's," and my grandma used to call Beefaroni "Tender Beefies" and Burger King "Burger in a Hurry."

R42 it's fun to make up stuff. This person never once said "Burger in a Hurry."

"I've been seeing more and more mulatto kids lately. Always with the white mother or grandmother. I never see the black fathers, ever."

r33's mother should've done the world a favor and aborted him.

My mother: “What’s the password for your the Netflix”? Me: “it’s my first name and the year I was born - all one word”. Mom: silence... I know she forgot.

And we have this conversation at least 2x a month!!!

[quote]All for the love of Jesus.

My mother's remedy for anything that happened, no matter how horrible or painful.

"Your eyes are so puffy you look like a Chinaman."

"You never knew your Aunt Alice. She was a cunt."

GET A JOB! GET A JOB! GET A JOB!

I could write a book on NSFW things my mum has said, but this one comes to mind immediately. It was back when 'Memoirs of a Geisha' was about to come out, and an advert for it came on during 'Desperate Housewives'. My middle sister and I were visiting her (long after we had moved out), and she said, "Y'all might not know this, but I don't like Asians. I think they're sneaky, and I didn't even want to take y'all to see 'Mulan' in the theatre." We were both flabbergasted...this must've been 2005 or so. Fast forward to me being engaged to a Filipino guy, and she loved him (until we broke up last year). I reminded her of the story, and she denied saying it (as she does with most things she says).

My mom describes physical pain as "terrific." As in, "I had a terrific headache last weekend." And "I have terrific pain in my arm."

R52, is your mom 93?

[quote]That isn't oregano.

The fantasies of "my wacky mother." Too many people here have watched The Golden Girls and Will & Grace, and have created some fun stories that would be great in real life - sadly, few are true. But, it is fun to pretend!

R51 how bored you must be to make up that story

r55/56 how the hell would you know?

My mother died suddenly, way too young, at 66. The things she would say would often annoy me, but my friends thought she was awesome and still quote her. She called soap operas “bed hoppers” and she would call trashy people “a sorry piece of furniture.”

My mom is in her early 80s and LOATHES Trump. I loathe him too and when he was in office asked her not to talk about him because it just irritated me and I couldn’t do anything about it. She is sharp as a tack and knows far more about current events and everything else than I do, and nothing I said or did deterred her from bringing him up. Now that things have returned to normal, she has moved on to cat videos on Reddit.

Honey, can we skip anal tonight?

R28, how old is your mother?! The League of Nations, indeed!

R59 that is a fun fantasy

My parents (from the suburbs) came to visit me in the small city. We were driving around town, and my mom got upset by something she saw. "Oh my god. Look! There's a gang. And they're hanging out together in the middle of a busy sidewalk, in the middle of the day.

"Mom, that's not a street gang. It's a bus stop!"

R40 = Babs Johnson

My mother spoke quickly - very quickly. Rapid fire. Like a machine gun. Sometimes she would get so carried away with what she was trying to say that she'd start a sentence, then, before the sentence was finished, she'd switch to another topic, and I was supposed to know, by some form of ESP, what she was talking about.

On the phone it was even worse. She'd jump directly into a topic as soon as I answered. Once, she called and the first thing she said was "Your father has kittens." It took me a minute to absorb this. Apparently, when he got up that morning, he looked out the window, and saw a box on the front walkway, covered by a blanket. Further investigation revealed two very young kittens inside. My father was the ultimate cat man, so somebody knew who would appreciate them. It was like Christmas.

Recently my 76 year old mother used the word "negro" when she was talking about a black person. It wasn't a racist statement she was making but the entire room froze and I had to say something which was very humiliating for both me and her. Not fun!

I hope r4 and the 12 people who WWed him were just trying to be internet badasses and don't really behave that way in real life.

There's no reason to be a huge fucking cunt when setting boundaries.

she's dead, long ago in fact

[quote]Recently my 76 year old mother used the word "negro"

My mother: "That so-and-so is a gone coon." We just let her roll. Harmless hilarity. She picked up a lot of sailor slang in the War. And like a lot of her generation, never knew anyone that wasn't WASP.

R57, ignore them.

It’s a sad, fat old man with no life using this thread to build up karma for him and his sock puppet accounts to be able to post. Notice all the WWs he’s giving himself to counteract the FFs?

They don’t realize when you WW yourself we can see that.

R8 your mother sounds like a peach! How fun it would be to share a cocktail or 2 with her!

YOU UNGRATEFUL [italic]THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/italic]

My mom had terminal PMS even before it was a thing and I can't tell you the number of times we heard that come out of her mouth. You literally couldn't BREATHE wrong (i.e. sigh when she told us to do something) when she'd go off on us. We walked on eggshells because we didn't know what would set her off. And when she did explode she'd tell our dad who'd then lay into us about how hateful we were when all that was happening was that we were being kids. This was when we were kids in the 60s.

My dad died in 2003 and my mom died in February 2020. I found out when they died how little love I had for them.

I had to ban my mother from calling me at work (she found the number anyway). That's because she thinks work is "for fun," and you have endless hours to take personal calls. When a holiday weekend is coming up, she'll say things like "maybe they'll let you out early," like my job is waiting for my boss to tell me what to do. Yeah, the company lets people off early, I have to stay normal hrs or late to get my work done. She's not dumb, but refuses to understand this.

I was training a new girl at work, very shortly after 9/11/01. We had a TV in the lobby at work, and my mother knew this. We got a phone call on the main work line, and I told the new girl to answer (so she could get used to answering and using proper verbiage, etc). She promptly told me it was my mum. I said, "That's odd; she never calls unless it's something very important." My mother literally wanted me to go change the lobby TV to QVC so I could see Today's Special Value, being presented by gay David Venable (because of course). I just laughed and told her I'd speak to her later. The new girl asked what was so important, and I told her nothing. I did go over and switch the TV channel, and the special was those crab cakes he's always hawking.

Mom: Your brother is ruining my life! He took $40 from my purse, had one of his whores sleep over last night and called me a bitch when I told her to leave!

Me: Mom, for the hundredth time, I've told you, the cops have told you, throw him out! This has been going on for ten years now!

Mom: You know that I can't put my baby on the street like that!

When my mother retired at 70 years of age, she liked to travel. One day she called me and told me that she would be hard to reach for a week. Or so. She and her sister, who was 2 years younger, had decided to take a car trip. They weren't sure when they would be back.

I asked where they were going and I was told, "Canada."

I commented that Canada was a big place. Then I followed up by asking if there was any destination where I might reach her, in case of an emergency. Her reply, "No, we're just going to drive up and take a look around. We'll see what's happening when we get there. You're 30. If anything happens, you'll handle it."

She was right.

My mom has always overshared, and she blows things way out of proportion. So she thinks things are an emergency when they are actually NOT an emergency.

About 20 years ago, she called me at work. This was before cell phones. At this office, the workers bees didn't have phones. On the floor, the only people who had phones were the four managers. So, if you got a call, the receptionist would forward it to your manager's cubicle, your manager would let you know you had a call, and you'd take the call right there in your manager's cubicle. The manager might continue sitting at his/her desk throughout your call, depending on how busy he was.

So, one day I got a call. My mother knew how much I disliked receiving calls from her at this job during the day, so I thought to myself, "Oh no, this might be an emergency". I went to my boss's cubicle and picked up the phone. My mother excited exclaimed, "Your cousin Jessica was just diagnosed with Herpes!" Well, thanks for letting me know, Mom. (My cousin lives in another state about 600 miles away.) When I got home, we had a talk about what type of news items can wait until I get home from work.

"I was training a new GIRL at work..."

OY VEY

My mom calls every adult female service worker 40 and under a "little girl". As in, "I was checking out at the grocery store, and the little girl gave me a discount."

I explain to her that grown women don't like to be called "girl", much less "little girl", but she says it's a southern thing. However, I've never heard her refer to any grown male service worker as a "little boy".

If you were completely naked, lying on the floor, I’d say “get up. That’s nasty.”

I should have killed myself after the first time Ralph put it in me.

My mom's comment on that Texas lady who drowned her five kids: "That was horrible to drown all her kids. Two or three I could understand, but all five?!"

She wouldn’t let me watch Fraser because she said Fraser and Nyles were incestous lovers.

Get your cock out of my pussy!

R78, the girl I was training was 18, and I was 21. And I'm also from the South. So she waz a girl in my book.

Mom says that R27 is a cunt. She’s right.

1981, we were watching Watched to Kill on HBO, and my mother wants us (ages 16 and 18) to come in for dinner. We tell her we have to see this part, a sex scene. She says, "okay, next commercial." I have to explain that HBO doesn't have commercials, and tell her "can't you see this is not something regular TV would show?"

r82

LOL

Watched to Kill should be DRESSED to Kill

"I don't know why we can't say Oriental anymore."

Virgil, you will too lick your sister’s pussy if she gets horny!

My mother feels compelled to tell me every iota of her medical condition. One morning she called me to tell me, in a very sombre tone, that she suspected blood in her stool. She then reported to me the aspect of the toilet bowl water that morning.

Turns out she had eaten beets the day before.

Some of these stories have my crying with laughter.

Moms are certainly unique.

My mom, who died in 2012, once called me out of a work meeting to take her emergency call. I rushed out to return her call. She answered, perfectly calm, to tell me that Talbots was having an online sale and she needed my help ordering.

I miss her crazy ass.

My mother said she's been told she shouldn't say some blacks "speak well."

In reality, she says that about EVERYONE. When she saw Rocky in 1976, she sided with Apollo Creed over Rocky because he "spoke well."

[quote] My mom, who died in 2012, once called me out of a work meeting to take her emergency call. I rushed out to return her call. She answered, perfectly calm, to tell me that Talbots was having an online sale and she needed my help ordering.

R94, I hope you dropped everything and gave her some solid advice.

My mom died in 1995 at the age of 52. I miss her very much.

One time , a few years before her death there was a Dominos Pizza commercial on tv , at the time they were offering Buffalo wings.

My mom got quite irritated and said “that doesn’t even make sense! Do you know how big buffalos are? And they don’t even have wings!”

She did not understand why me and my dad started laughing,

"why me and my dad started laughing"

Oh, dear!

Pardon me, but your face looks like your asshole.

I know what’s been going on. I saw you sucking on your dad’s feet while masturbating.

I can't walk right since your father's been fucking me from behind.

I see you inherited her class.

I told r102's mother to get an abortion but did she listen to me? No!

True Story. About six weeks after the 2017 Inauguration, my 90 year-old mother (with mild dementia) went under general anesthesia to reduce a dislocated artificial hip. (translation: pop it back into the joint). The following morning the lead-nurse came in to her room to check her vitals & assess her cognitive state. What's your name & birthdate? Do you know where you are & why? Who is the woman sitting next to you, what's her name? All answered correctly .

Then, the nurse asked: "What year is it?" My mom replied: "I don't know, 2000-something."

I'd been silent to that point (as one should be), but then sorta jokingly asked: "Mom, who is the President?"

She replied, confidently: "Barack Obama"

I muttered "I wish" and said to the nurse, "That's close enough, right?" (again, it was just 5-6 weeks after the Inauguration). She nodded.

But my mom was like, "What?! Obama isn't the President?? WHO is the president??"

She had been all smiles & "sweet-old-lady" up to that point, but when I said "Donald Trump".....her eyebrows shot up to her hairline, and she exclaimed angrily: "Donald Trump?!?! How in THE HELL did that happen??!!"

I burst out laughing, as did the nurse, who turned away sheilding her face. The nurse said they are not supposed to react to the political commentary of their patients.....but that was the best thing she'd seen all week!

Me: “I don’t think you’re going to like “War Of The Roses”. It’s a black comedy.”

Mom: “As long as it doesn’t have Bill Cosby.”

My mother was a virgin on her wedding night & my dad is super hung, I think like 9” (yes he used to walk around naked all the time). About 10 yrs after the divorce, she started seeing a new guy & described their sex life to my sister & me. Yes, we overshare. Anyway, one of the first things she said about her new guy was how Not hung he was, how she hard time even finding it. (Wtf?) she said he was nowhere near as big as Dad, which she thought was average. My sister told her, “mom, Dad is Dirk Diggler, that’s not average!”

At a funeral, my mother found out that one of the two identical twin neighbor attendees was gay. She told him she didn’t believe him (she thought he was Pranking her, they’re a very fundie family). He got very defensive & said he is gay & he’s not ashamed. That flustered her, & she blurted out, “I wish my son could find someone like you.”

r61, She was 75 when passed away in 2015. I retorted that statement with "Is this 1939?"

Catch a big whiff of my box!

Some of the more memorable gems include:

- you caused my illness - I have other kids to worry about, you're not a priority - defends Tronald Dump - screaming fits throughout my childhood accompanied by physical abuse.

I cut her off permanently recently. It hurts, but she hurts more.

Shut up and eat me

You ungrateful THING!!!!!!!!!!!!

When discussing people she excommunicated “I don’t bother with her anymore” or “she doesn’t bother with us anymore”

Also called denim jeans “dungarees”. “Oh I’ve got to get out of these slacks and put on my dungarees” (they were overalls, too!)

Oh, and “I can’t wait to get home and take my brawr off”

Every phone call contains some anecdote about “the blacks.” We could be discussing the weather and it will still come up.

R115 maybe she wants the high hard one from Barack.

I spent most of last week donating Mom's clothes to charity. (She had very simple, classic taste and almost everything was excellent quality).

At one point I got teary-eyed as I pulled out a seeming simple, long, off white, cotton dress from the 90s that I knew she LOVED and I heard her voice narrating "swish, swish" as she sashayed down the hallway.

"I don't remember her wearing that much," Dad said.

And I explained to him that she wore it a lot to lunches with the ladies because it was just a tiny bit too tight in all of the right places but very plain and unassuming. It was the kind of dress a woman wears when she KNOWS she's looking good, wants to show off but still needs plausible deniability.

"Ah," he said. "I could totally see that!"

Still thinks chinaman is acceptable for Asian. Recently told me a chinaman introduced her to dried fruit in high school.

My mom is about to turn 101, and is still a devotee of cocktail hour ( although it’s now 4:00 instead of 5:30)

Me: Do you want a martini?

Her: Of course I want a martini, I only LOOK dead.

You will too eat your sister’s pussy if she gets horny!

Not a specific saying, but my mother loves to continually carp about anyone who’s ever irked her. It could be a neighbor from when she was six years old. Anyone. No one’s safe.

This weekend she was going on about a woman she did a community theater play with in the 1970s, complete with quotes as to what exactly the lady said that bothered her. I let her finish, said “I adored her,” then shared that I’d just read her obituary online. Which I proceeded to read out loud.

In high school for about ten minutes, I had private weekly piano lessons. "Just be careful." she said. "I think he might be gay."

She said this in 1996. The absolute ignorance...

As it turned out, he WAS gay. And a great pianist & teacher. I attended for about six months, until my parents pawned my full-sized keyboard (it had been a Christmas gift) because they were short on money.

I still had band, theatre, and B.S.A. to occupy my time outside of class. So I didn't miss it terribly. Every now and then, I do like to sit and play. But I'm even busier now, than I was then. Priorities.

"You go out and have some fun. You deserve it. Be BAD!" This was followed with a cheeky grin.

"He about cole cocked her into next Tuesday" (He almost punched her)

"You work too haahhhd" (Yes this is New England)

"I wanna know....How's my grandkitties doin'?"

"oh my Gohhd, she was wicked cute. Just a little bit of a thing. She was tee-niny!"

"Well howdya like THEM apples?"

"It's colder'n a witch's tit out theahhh"

"Well ain't he just cunnin'?" (cute)

"I am my own grandpaahhh"

"Well for lord sakes!"

"Well Jesus H. Christ, would ya look at that!"

"I told him what for too. I walked right up to him and I said LISSEN MISTAH..." (she never did any such thing)

At the age of of 32 I summoned my courage to tell my mother I was gay. Her response "Of course you are darling". A bit taken back I said " You knew? With out looking up from her book:

" It's a foolish mother who doesn't know her own son."

YOU HOLD YOUR WATER.

YOU HOLD YOUR WATER TILL THE VERY LAST NOTE!!!

I should've killed myself when he put it in me. After the first time, before we were married, Ralph promised never again. He promised, and I believed him. But sin never dies. Sin never dies. At first, it was all right. We lived sinlessly. We slept in the same bed, but we never did it. And then, that night, I saw him looking down at me that way. We got down on our knees to pray for strength. I smelled the whiskey on his breath. Then he took me. He took me, with the stink of filthy roadhouse whiskey on his breath, and I liked it. I liked it! With all that dirty touching of his hands all over me. I should've given you to God when you were born, but I was weak and backsliding, and now the devil has come home. We'll pray.

R123, my mom said “cunning’” about cute babies, too. She was born in NH.

Yep, Maine here R127.

Once when I was in my teens I took the bus downtown to hang out. I was waiting for my bus to come home and two guys got in a fight nearby and one guy threw the other one in front of a bus that was pulling up to the stop. Nothing happened since the bus was slowing down. I told my mom about it when I got home and she says "It must have been a couple of ho-mo-SEX-uals."

[quote]R127 my mom said “cunning’” about cute babies, too. She was born in NH.

Ya know who else was cunning?

How old are you if your mother is 101, R8?

My mom never liked Dubya, wasn't a hard-core leftie, was 100% opposed to the war on Iraq. After it all too predictably turned into a horrible mess, was in the news for some reason, mom reiterated that the war was an idiotic decision and a horrible mess and they didn't even have the... the... DMVs.

She had no idea why I fell apart laughing.

When talking about a surprised person: "She didn't know whether to shit, or go blind!"

[quote] How old are you if your mother is 101, [R8]?

I’m guessing somewhere in the range of 60 to 80.

About fat women: “Such a shame. She has a pretty face.”

About black people who don’t speak Ebonics: “He’s very well-spoken!”

About someone who dresses nicely: “s/he’s a real clothes horse”

Falling asleep on the sofa: “I’m not asleep, I was just resting my eyes. Put on whatever you want to watch. I’ll go up in a minute.” (She slept on the sofa every night)

My cousin called to let my mother know she was getting married; my cousin is a doctor. My mother said all the right things, up until she found out my cousin was marrying a nurses aide; she hands me the phone and asked me to tell Gaynel, please not to send her an invitation to her fuckery of a wedding, because she will never understand, how in an entire hospital, she’s marrying the aide. I took the phone and told Gaye, mom said she’s having a minor procedure done that week, so don’t bother to send her an invitation.

My mother sometimes fractured words, when speaking about relatives on the west coast she would talk about the relatives in Cali-phony-a. She grew up in Boston and would speak with a heavy New England accent.

Falling asleep on the sofa: It's not real sleep. The only restful sleep is in a bed.

For years my mom called Stacy Keach ‘Kasey Steach’. She even got into a heated argument with my older brother about it. Until we watched an episode of Mike Hammer and his name showed up in the credits. She said nothing but got up from her chair and went outside to smoke a cigarette. She came back in and sat down as quiet as a church mouse. Big brother laughed.

Can you people footnote your mother's date of birth and where you grew up? These responses are so strange to me.

R140, 1943, New England.

Mom -"Call me the Ooma is not working"

me- "DId you call Ooma?"

Mom "Yes they said there is an outage"

me - "So what do you want me to do?"

Mom"Call me to fix it"

Ooma is an internet phone service I got my mother to help her save money. I have had it for 10 years with no issues. It is now the bane of my existance.

"I don't want to hear any sick woman singers!"

If anyone announced they were running for an office, she would say, "He should run fr the border!"

"I laid on the couch and watched a wonderful program on the TV. It was called 'the backs of my eyelids'".

That meant she couldn't stay awake to watch the TV show.

My mom is an eighty-two year-old Massachusetts Yankee and she says every one of the things poster here by the New England mom posters!

"Colda than a well digga's AAHS!"

R141, that information is useless without a comment from her.

R145, does she also say “you bet your bippy!” as an affirmation?

Yes, r147, she actually does!

She passed away many years ago, but we lived together for few years after I graduated from the university.

She liked to tell me what happened in each episode of the soap operas she used to watch. I always told her that I wasn't into soap operas but that never let her stop. She was telling every detail as if I was really watching the episode.

She would ask me if I liked to eat orange, so she would peel one for me. I always told her no. Strange thing is now I LOVE oranges and eat one almost everyday.

She was diabetic, so she used to go to pee at night but without turning on the light of the bathroom. It happened many times that I waked up at night and entered the bathroom to find her there. I always asked her why she didn't turn on the light, but no answer. Now when I wake up at night and go to pee, I never turn on the light. Keeping my eyes used to the darkness helps me to fall into sleep again fast.

She’s been dead for 23 years so there ain’t much dialogue.

If you had a brain , you would be dangerous ...thank mom

My mother can't keep a secret. She has to get it out of her system. Right NOW. At the time, I worked in an office where there were no phones on the workers' desks. If you received a phone call, the receptionist would route it to your supervisor's cubicle, and you would go there to take the call (while your supervisor awkwardly pretended not to listen). One day, my supervisor walked to my cubicle to tell me I had a call. It could only be my mom. I had warned her not to call me at work, so I thought, "this must be important." I picked up the phone and said hi. She blurted out, "Your cousin ____ has herpes!". I told her it was really none of my business, and she should wait until I get home to tell me any "news".

R152, that's hilarious. My mom was kind of horrible at keeping a secret, so I can relate.

"Don't tell your sister, but I never liked Lisa." She texted this to my brother and forgot (maybe) that it was a group chat that included me.

What makes this so rich is that I live in Texas, and my mom, who was supposedly very worried for me, had just found out that my dear old friend Lisa was offering to take me in during the freak winter storm we had this year. I had lost all power, and Lisa's place was located in a hospital grid. She housed and fed me and my cat for several days until power was restored. Needless to say, I'm extremely grateful.

Mom doesn't let someone doing a good turn stop her from badmouthing them. Maybe it's a bizarre effort to maintain some sort of balance? Hell if I know. I stopped trying to make sense of my mother's behavior way back in my adolescence. A lost cause if there ever was one.

My mother suffers from depression and anxiety.

As she’s aged, she’s gotten worse and also become more selfish.

The cherry on top is when she flies, her special “flying medicine” makes her both loopy and mean.

I spent a miserable layover in the Denver airport with her, where she told me she was going to call my sister-in-law and tell her she had gained too much weight.

When I told her I thought that sounds des like a bad idea, she said “You fuckers (me & my husband) don’t know anything about women.

No - apparently we don’t. Thank God.

My mom is 80 ,and every time a black female singer comes on tv she says "Oh,its that Chaka Khan" . No matter how many times I say "no dear,thats Diana Ross,Lena Horne,etc" the next time its Chaka Khan again. Id bet my life shes never even heard a Chaka Khan song,and why thats in her head I will never know!

My mom was like Bonita Botrell from [italic]In Living Color[/italic]! She’d smile at someone and make all kinds of small talk and as soon as she thought they were out of earshot, she’d lay into them with her acid tongue. People who you thought she held in such high esteem were fodder for her venom. But her hypocrisy was exposed when she’d rag on my brother and I for doing the same thing. Or whenever she found out people said negative things about her, she’d get hurt and angry. Not proud to say that it took me years of therapy to realize how wrong she was. But her mother was the same way.

You slob, get your hand out of there, it's a disgusting habit, you pervert.

Why OH why wasn't abortion legal when I got knocked up with you

You were so ugly, when you were born the doctor slapped you, then the nurse had a go at you.

Honey I knew you were gay when you were mincing in my womb.

Hell no, you're not gonna pin THAT PIECE OF SHIT on me.

"They will recall Newsom and this state will be worse than Florida with COVID deaths. We are ALL gonna die and nobody seems to care".

My mother wasn’t uneducated, but she would put an unnecessary “s” on names or a possessive “s” on stores.

For example, “Andy GibbS” or “Walmart’s”….it drove me crazy.

I miss her so much, though. This week is the 24 year anniversary of her death.

[quote] I waked up at night

Oh, dear.

[quote] when she’d rag on my brother and I for doing the same thing.

Oh, dear!

I convinced my mother that the IGA store wasn’t an abbreviation and was pronounced IG-ah.

I chuckle whenever she says it.

She’s also a huge fan of Cedric the Entertainer, but not enough to know his name. She calls him Sedgwick the Entertainment.

R165 - oh, dear must be another way of saying "I eat old people's excrement".

Oh, DEAR.

"Honey, I just wanted to call you to tell you that it's 11:11. You used to always tell me when it was that time, so now I'm telling you that. Love you!"

My mother once said to me, during an argument, 'You ruin everything you touch."

r169

She was right too.

R170 -Signed, Dad