After 18 years with my partner we have resigned ourselves to silence

Take an edible together.

Walk over, bend down, unzip his pants, and suck his cock like you've never sucked before.

Otherwise, you deserve your fate.

I'm in a similar situation. When we do talk, it devolves into a fight. He's 52 and I'm 41. It feels too overwhelming to think about being single again.

But, OP? We might both have to start getting ready for that inevitability.

R3 - We’re the same. I’m leaning more toward leaving him the last few weeks. I’m just dreading the financial separation.

I would go to therapy to get yourself clear on what is the best course for you.

And then ask him to come with you.

If he won't you will have the support you need to do what you must do for your sake.

R3. You’re too young too settle for that brand of emotional desert.

Leave.

Sorry, OP. My parents have been married 51 years and I'm astonished at how much they still have to talk to each other about. Good luck to you.

I have it on excellent authority from voices no longer speaking that

SILENCE = DEATH.

We are 44 years together, and now both retired. Sometimes the silence is deafening. I’m thinking of shoving him down the stairs.

It just seems awkward to me. How big is your house? Do you go large parts of the day without seeing each other? My husband and I live in a relatively small house and I feel like it'd be MORE work to be silent around one another all the time.

What's the problem, OP? Companionable silence can be a wonderful, supportive and relaxing thing in a long-term relationship. Often, it just means that you're in harmony as a couple.

As Billy Joel said, "I don't want clever conversation/ I never want to work that hard".

It sounds like the lockdown is just cutting off your alternate sources of conversation, with friends or acquaintances, that you may enjoy, but this situation won't last forever.

[quote]SILENCE = DEATH.

More importantly DEATH = SILENCE.

22 years in...I am 65...he is 57...though sex is pretty much kaput we are best friends and partners in every other way. We talk all of the time and always seek each other's council.If there is a character to our relationship that makes it work,, it is that in so many ways we are so different from each other. We truly respect and appreciate each other's individuality. I feel for you and ,as others have said, either seek counciling or consider moving on. You are too young for the life you have now.might as well be alone

Maybe have a heart to heart with your partner . See if you both just want to be roommates and be open to see other people, but maintain the trust and reliance on one another that you’ve built. The financial aspects of separating can be daunting especially as an older person ,and people need to look and consider their choices before falling into a a precarious financial future. I find it strange that there is nothing to say to one another. It probably means someone or both of you are completely over the relationship and find it tedious. Im sorry you are in at his difficult position.

You need to do a feel good drug Ecstasy MDMA and see if that cracks the silence. If it doesn't, call it quits, hun. Sex can die but not tenderness and mutual social and intellectual interests. You describe a zombie existence.

R15 here R12 makes a good point. Whatever you do even if you need to break up as long is you are not in danger you can wait a year or so to get yourself together if your ultimate plan is to leave.

Just don’t be hasty due to anger before you exit. Make your landing as soft as you can without doing anything unscrupulous or mean hearted.

Give temporary shelter to some needy young man who will inject some LIFE! into your relationship.

Change into a fresh caftan, dear.

20 years together and we talk all the time, and still have sex! Not sure what happens to some folks, but we still have a great time together (we also know how to give each other space and privacy).

I am single and dealing with a medical issue now, plus the pandemic, and I keep regretting not having a partner. Reading this, reminds me that the grass— and ass — is always greener….

I feel so bad for so many of you! I was married to someone for a long time (15 years), and we hit sort of the same point you are all in - we slept in different rooms, we rarely spent any time together, 0 sex life,etc. we would take care of one another if one was sick, but that was about it. The marriage wasn’t bad/abusive, but it wasn’t good either. Fortunately, he met someone else and we got divorced. Looking back, I now realize that the relationship should have ended years before it did. True, it washed a bad marriage, but it was far from a good marriage. I actually felt more alone with him than when I was alone. Now, I found a new husband and we are happy. I want to see him and talk to him. We want to spend time together. I know it’s scary, but ask yourself of being on your own could be worse. You might be surprised by what you find! Be well (hug)

Are you gay twins, OP?

That's sad. You should try couples counseling unless you really want to pull the plug on the relationship. I've been with my partner for 25 years and we still have lots to say to each other. He's smart and funny and thinks about things in a different way. He knows how to make me laugh. Of course, sometimes I want to shoot him. But 90% of the time I love him to pieces and am so happy he's in my life. But we also still have sex. I think once you stop shagging, the end is drawing nigh.

Get out of the house, take a drive together. You two need a change of scenery. I've been with my partner for 39 years. I always set the table for dinner, and we eat together, we each have a role in caring for our dogs, house maintenance, etc... relationships are ebb and flow, make sure you're doing your part.

Whenever I hear stories like this, I wonder what the beginning of the relationship was like and whether it was originally built on anything meaningful and substantial or whether one or both people were desperate and just settled for whatever they could.

Buy a ranch and adopt three baby goats.

I'm glad to be single, especially during Covid. I often think relationships are not worth it. I've had a few LTR and have spent the last 8 years single. I don't trust my ability to pick people anymore so I'm better off alone.

That being said, I would not stay in a relationship where I'm not happy ever again. Life is short. Spend it alone or with someone who contributes to your sense of happiness. Being in a relationship with someone who ignored me sounds like hell. Get out while you can.

The Ecstacy mdma plan sounds good to me. (If you are both healthy). It can really help people to break down barriers.

Yeah. This is one of the reasons I am single. There are so many men I have met that are attractive and charming but, after awhile, there is nothing to say. I want to talk about art, politics, literature at least some of the time. Sure, quiet time is good too but you gotta be on the same page. Talk to your partner and tell him that you would love to get his opinion on X...find something that you know he likes that interests you. Make a point to talk every day...go grab coffee together.

R26 - I’ll admit something I’m not proud of. I had moved to a new city for grad school and met him at a bar. I soon found out he was extremely popular in the community and had many business connections and friends. As a result of his association I had an extremely easy transition to my new locale and also received many opportunities. What you said touched me because maybe it was all superficial all along.

OP, eight-ish years ago were you the poster trying to get a car out of their SO so he could end the relationship?

R31 - well now you understand the saying...when you marry for money you earn every penny.

18 years is a long time to work superficial. Unless it comes with a really big cock.

Just a bird in a gilded cage...

after 21 years% years married) i just got divorced at 64! he's 55. it happened rather suddenly but in the end its for the best and now all the properties and funds have been divvied up, I can move on but i am glad we are at least friendly again after some ugliness!

are you both just quiet people? is one of you a talker? are you sure you aren't looking for someone to just entertain you? do you have anything to talk about to him? before you leave make sure you know what your part was in the deal of this breaking up because if you don't, you will be attracted to the same kind of person and end up right where you are again.

[quote] I’m just dreading the financial separation.

Why? Clearly after 18 years you would have drawn up wills, legal paperwork, etc. well before this, right?

If you're not willing to sit down and discuss why it is you've stopped talking / interacting yourselves, you need counseling. Some catalyst to understand why the communication has broken down and what can be done about it. A neutral referee is also advisable. If you don't have any desire to even do that it's probably really over. I'd cut your losses then. Who wants to be 10-15 years older than now, possibly infirmed, and having to rely on that person? No thanks.

I have an aunt and uncle who live in the same house and havent spoken to each other in 20 years. If something comes up that needs both their input,they either leave notes or have my cousin run interference. Sometimes my uncle will "tell" the dog when my aunt can hear it if he needs something attended to. Its bizzare as fuck,but we all long have gotten used to it. I couldnt imagine living like that,so my heart goes out to you op . Id be gone .

I can relate OP Im 48, we’ve been together 19 years and no sex for the last 10 or so. I know he has sex but not with me. All i want is someone to see me, talk and laugh with me. And sometimes fuck. After the pandemic ends, i need to make some decisions

Make a point of talking to each other daily and touching each other daily. Even if it’s just small talk and even if it’s just a hug.

You want a caregiver not a partner/lover.

Life is too short to be in a unhappy relationship. Being single isn't scary, but some people are terrified of being on their own.

Talking is overrated. What difference does chit chat make? Talk to someone else if you want to talk more! You seem to be making a big deal over a relatively minor situation. It doesn't appear that he is refusing to talk to you! (Besides, I've always thought that the silent treatment is a hilariously stupid way to get back at anyone; I appreciate the silence anyway!)

Ha try thirty years together! Actually we're together ALL the time and get along and talk and joke, I hate that that's not happening for you. It's not always easy but we work it out. Besides, no one else would have either one of us. Unfortunately most gay men are not in relationships for some reason. I dont really understand It.

And sleeping apart doesn't mean anything, he snores loud even with a prosthesis, then there's all the animals in the bed.

Maybe the romance is gone because you fart in front of each other. There’s no romance or mystery.

Introduce a Bosshog into your lovemaking. You’ll think differently afterwards.

My partner and I seldom talk much, when we do it's about our dog and cats. I want to talk more, and sometimes make him ask me questions just to try to get something flowing. It just isn't who he is. He refuses therapy, although he's depressed; he won't read books, although there are some excellent self-help ones out there; and he goes nuts if he gets criticized (by me or anyone else).

Still, he's so incredibly sweet and I know if anything ever happened to me he'd support me as much as he could. So we stay together, nothing's perfect, and finding a new boyfriend at this point (I'm 62) isn't going to happen.

Life is a series of compromises.

Have you considered spicing things up in the bedroom with maybe a glad-to-be-bad caftan or some edible underwear? How about getting some boudoir photos taken at Glamour Shots?

Boudoir photo to be framed and hung over the mantle as a surprise

I mean, I'm getting old and the engine doesn't rev up as much as it used to, but what we lack in daily sex we make up in affection, cuddling and talking.

OP when you write " I want someone to help me when I’m sick and older, even if it’s in total silence. "

What makes you think he is going to stick around and change diapers if you get sick? If he is this silent now, what is going happen when you get sick? For all you know, that might be the time he walks out, leaving you on your own

So sticking with him, in the hopes that he would take care of you if you get sick, is NOT a reason to stay in this relationship.

This was happening to me too. We broke up when I was 58 after 16 years. I thought I'd be consumed by loneliness and regret but I've never been better. Lots of new friends, sex and companionship when I want it, I'm never bored and I don't have some I want to shove down the stairs near me anymore.

Go!

OP, after 25 years together my ex and split up and it was the best thing for both of us! We were both early 50's at the time. We're still friends and still looking out for each other. We split ten years ago and both have gone on to live very fulfilling lives. Neither of us have never regretted the decision.

Do as R5 suggests, otherwise R10 might be your future. Good luck, OP.

You both might want to try some therapy.

18 years together here as well. I was 21 and he was 29 when we started dating. In retrospect, if I had a better sense at 21 what I wanted in a long term partner, it probably wouldn't be him. He doesn't operate on the same level I do in terms of intelligence, introspection and social graces. He's also lost a lot of his good looks and put on weight where I am frequently told how great I look and what great shape I'm in. However, I love him to death. I dote on him and am fiercely protective of him. We still do have sex. It has slowed down some especially in the past year with both of us working from home full time. Once a week or every other week. It's mundane and routine, but still enjoyable. For what it's worth, I'm happy we're still together. At this point I could never imagine willingly starting over.

I don’t like talking. I’m married to a talker. He generally respects my desire for quiet when I really need it.

But the pandemic isolation together has made him want more talk and interaction than we have ever had - and I don’t like it. I like my alone time. And he always had other outlets for socializing - including work. It’s a challenge - but working through it. I don’t see it as something that ends a relationship - unless someone really NEEDS to talk which I find is more an issue of not being ok with yourself. Being with someone in silence will happen - especially after a year in isolation together.

So many stories like mine on this thread. And like many, after 2 decades together, we've separated. I'm so much better now.

Matching intellectual and conversational skills are essential for the success of a relationship, certainly more than sex itself.

I don't mean the partners have to be intellectual, I mean they have to match in cognitive skills, education and interests to sustain the most important part of the relationship after trust: communication.

I was with my partner for 15 years and we no longer had sex and I got that he irritated me so I left. I live in a less nice place and have less money but I am so glad I left. I have been with a new man for a few years that I am very sexually attracted to and can’t wait to see. This time I kept my own place though, I don’t want to be that dependent on someone else again.

I knew two older gay men who grew to not quite hate each other, yet wanted to retain a connection *and* live apart. They bought a four-story townhouse and divided it as 4 floor-through condos. The kept one unit each and sold the other two which gave them some very nice digs at a very affordable cost, defrayed by the 2 units they sold.

Each man specified a very different sort of apartment to his own taste and they learned to live as neighbors and best friends, balancing privacy and reviving some of the affection they said they had lost over time.

It's not for everyone obviously, but in their case it seemed a great solution, financially and personally.

And if he survives, R10, you'll definitely have something to talk about!

OP, honestly I would wait until the pandemic ends and life gets to a point where it's easier to go out and have a social life again. Find some compromise right now to get through the next several months, then reassess when you're both back to leaving the house regularly. The pandemic is putting stress on all of our relationships.

Only the boring are ever bored. Maybe there's something in that statement for you to consider.

Wow this is depressing as hell. You don't have sex and you don't talk - what the fuck are you holding onto? It doesn't sound like you have any kind of relationship whatsoever, and at 53 you are too young to be in that situation.

Get couples counselling or get out. I have no idea why anyone would be content to exist like this.

Get an alpaca 🦙 .

[quote]Get an alpaca

Are they good conversationalists?

Be very careful to really think it all through OP. Hopefully at some point we will be able to resume something of life before and then there will be things to share and things to talk about. There will also still be ample time to reflect and consider.

I lost my partner of 30 years six weeks ago. He fell ill after Xmas, had to go into hospital, caught COVID in the hospital ( after almost 12 months of successful shielding ) and that negated any response to his treatment and led to his death. His birthday is tomorrow. We did pretty good during lockdown but had our share of crabbiness and flare ups. I’d give anything to have one with him tomorrow. You really don’t know what you got till it’s gone, even if you think you do.

I'm sorry r70, hope you're hanging in there.

Do I love him?

"For twenty-five years I've lived with him; Fought with him, starved with him; Twenty-five years my bed is his; If that's not love, what is?"

You need to get out immediately, if you have any self respect. Sounds like miserable torture.

So sorry, r70

OP I come from a family of Catholics who stayed married in part because of the church. But my favorite uncle and aunt were married for over fifty years and always talked, as did my grandparents. I agree with the person who asked how it started because after fifty years they still respected each other, admired each other, insulted each other, argued with each other, listened to the other person, and encouraged each other. They were like John and Abigail Adams sans bad parenting and the White House. They taught me that no relationship is worth a damn if you have no respect or chemistry, and if you don't work at it. Not talking is not working at it. You don't respect each other, and if you have nothing to say then maybe you never had. The point is a marriage is about two growing into one. Lots of gay men don't realize that relationships take work. That's probably due to a lack of role models. But my aunt and uncle are my role models. Gay or straight no one can live in isolation with someone they say they love.

[quote] I want someone to help me when I’m sick and older

You sound like a real catch, OP.

I've been in two long-term relationships. I ended my first after 13 years. It wasn't for lack of love. Unfortunately, my ex-partner had piles of emotional baggage that he could just never get over and it affected the relationship too deeply. We still had sex up until the end, and even hooked up now and again after, which in hindsight was a mistake. I should have made a clean break. Now it's been years since I've had any contact. But there was never silence. We always had a lot to talk about.

I pretty much cut off most contact about 1 1/2 years before I met my current partner. He and I have been together over 8 years now. We still have a lot to talk about and have sex about 2-3 times a week. If there was nothing but silence and no sex, what would be the point of the relationship?

OP, I suggest YOU seek counseling to figure out why you're still in such an unhealthy relationship. Nobody is holding a gun to your head to stay. I did the same, although the circumstances were different. However, the one thing I realized was that I was allowing myself to continue to be involved in such a bad situation. I needed to figure out what MY problem was.

Good luck, OP, and I wish you all the best.

R14

[quote] We talk all of the time and always seek each other's council.

Oh Dear.

You need common hobbies. Learn to play golf together, or tennis. Relocate to a gay retirement community where you can integrate a social circle into your lives. Like Palm Springs or Key West. But sitting around in silence sounds like hell. And maybe check the pulse when it comes to depression. There could be something deeper going on.

Complete silence would drive me up the wall. The few times I've had an argument with my partner and we both do the silent treatment for a day or two - that drives me NUTS, although I'm guilty of doing it as well.

Staying with someone for some supposed long term care arrangement is not a reason to stay together.

Despite the odds, you CAN meet someone else. Or not - and still be happy. If you're both in silence, I would think that the partner is planning to leave and just isn't saying anything about it.

Don't sit around and wait for the bomb to drop - because it will. It's over unless you both discuss it and do the work to save the relationship.

There's ALWAYS something to talk about - news, entertainment, art, places to go, history. Thank God I have a relatively chatty partner and I can be chatty too.

R27, happily married but want to buy a patch of farm so we can get three baby goats!

Pinch and poke him until he talks. Slip ice cubes down his back. Wake him up with loud noises and say, “I just wanted to see if you’d recovered your voice.”

This will bring back the laughter.

Sometimes it's lonelier if you're with someone, or a crowd of people that you don't have a connection..or engage with each other. It's better to be alone in that case.

R83 - like watching couples eat dinner and not a word is spoken between the two of them. That looks like torture!

Yes R84...I couldn't deal with that. Very sad.

Forty-two years.

When you share a life fully, there's always plenty to say, I always have thought. We have quiet times and are comfortable with them, and don't really notice when there's a lull at the table (which usually is brief).

Otherwise we're always talking, continuing conversations on different subjects and sharing observations. We also have two times a day - after breakfast and after dinner - set aside specifically to catch up and talk, since we're also both busy with our own work.

OP, is the issue personality, indifference, depression or just a fit between you that no longer holds? Holding on for someone to "be there" for you doesn't include the chance he'll be needing you first. Mutual-use transactionalism is only a part of a relationship, critical at times but hardly enlivening and rewarding. You're not living isolated on the steppes of Yak World with him. Trade there next 30 years because you may have a stroke at 80?

My worst nightmare is a relationship that needs constant talk. The joy of a LT relationship is not feeling pressure to make chit chat. To be alone in a room together in silence is joy to me. Constant chit chat is the end of a relationship for me. I’m with an extrovert - but he respects my need for quiet and I respect his need for interaction. We both push the other to the middle ground - he doesn’t need to talk constantly now and I see the value in sharing thoughts and getting myself out of my head.

No one has THE answer. I thought R70 made an important point - think about losing the person and if it would make you sad or relieved=happy. Learn what to accept and what needs to be changed. It’s not always black and white. And I’m not sure we ever quite know.

OP, like others here, I think you should speak with a counselor. Even if your partner doesn't want to go/sit it in on a virtual session. It will help you make up your mind. It may also give you the courage to speak with your partner about how you're feeling.

You shouldn't fear being alone if you need to move out and start over. You are feeling alone now, all that's missing is the physical separation. I'd hate for you to get to a point where you hate your partner after all you've been through.

I wonder if this is a problem more with gay male couples. Those het couples you see where they aren't talking, I'd wager, is at least 80% the man not talking and the woman will either just keep talking while getting 'mmhm' or nothing in response or they'll just give up, too, and they become silent. Old men just don't talk. It's kind of weird. There are the occasional chatty ones that never shut up about anything and keep telling the same story to everyone around them but a lot of old men do seem to just not talk much. That would be doubled with certain male couples.

R79 for us moving to Palm Springs was the beginning of the end of 21 years. Ironic , actually.

Mark Wallace: What kind of people just sit like that without a word to say to each other?

Joanna Wallace: Married people.

Many straight couples with kids, just have their kids to talk about...as that's the only thing they have in common. Once the kids become adults, and have their own lives, many of these couples divorce.

R90, I can't remember what movie the line is from but it's something like "That's just geography." The trouble doesn't change, just where it happens.

This is why I've always wanted to be able to afford, by myself, whatever lifestyle I'm living.

R2 = naive straight woman

You know, I think this can be saved. It's a nice clean break.

Wake each morning with this blasting

R57 Therapy doesn't work. Biggest rip-off ever after a lawyer's billable hours.

R93...I think that's from Pretty Woman?

We’re sixty and eighty and thirty years together. We make a point of having sex once a week, sometimes more successfully than other times. The effort really does count.

r90 /OP OMG. I always heard that Palm Springs was so social for Eldergays and was looking forward to retiring there! What a shame. I would look to finding new relationships (platonic) to reinvigorate some energy into your mundane routine. Good luck to you.

To be 53 and think of yourself as having nothing more to look forward to than a couple, a few decades of mutual agreement to sitting in cold silence with someone with whom you have nothing to say, no evident affection, no evident pleasure in each other's company, and nothing to look forward to other than that your partner may have the good luck to change your bed pan...

And you want to stick with this arrangement for a quarter century or more? You're fucking nuts. Take an inventory of yourself and what you want and how many years and decades you might have left in life. If the problem is partly yours —and surely it is—figure out a way to offer more: to your partner living under the same roof, to other people, and to yourself. You can't will yourself into finding a better partner, but to have ended up in the shitty position that you are in, think about what it is that you have on offer. If you're not happy with the idea of living on your own, what makes you think anyone else wants to sign on a piece of that? A partner ought to be more than someone who takes you to the doctor, or checks that you took your pills or paid your bills. A partner should be someone who wants to do those things for you.

FFS, many millions of people in whatever country you live in live alone in their mid-50s, in their 60s, in their 70s and 80s, and happily. Why build a nest of misery for what could be half a century?

R101 well we are now divorced and i kept the house in PS so I'm going to try this again, solo! I loved it there but have been in exile during this year long proceeding.

Thanks

OP, you probably have 30 years before you're going to spaz out and get sick. Move on.

Thank you, R99!!

^^You're welcome...

I’d have an ulcer from the awkwardness of this life.

How old is OP's partner? He said he's 53 but did the partner's age ever get mentioned?

Dear OP, 53 is still so young in 2021 especially if you have your full health. You've got to work for another 15 years for a start. Going without sex is one thing, if there is still affection and tenderness, but when was the last time this man held your hand or curled round you in bed? You could live to be 90.

Or you - or he - could die tomorrow.