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Advice on relationships and love from older gays

Pretty vague topic header there I know. I’m late 30s and at a bit of a crossroads with a decade-long relationship. There’s good stuff there but sometimes it feels like it’s run its course. The added complication is feelings that have developed (and are reciprocated) by someone else.

I’d be keen to hear others’ experiences and lessons learned over your lives from relationships that you stayed in when it got rocky/when you had doubts, and from anyone who did leave. I feel quite lost at the moment and am really confused about things. I know that the spark will always go in a long term relationship but having found that spark again, I don’t know if at 38 I’m ready to accept a life without it. How did you decide to stay/leave? What were the repercussions? Do you regret staying/leaving?

by Anonymousreply 2702/23/2021

1. Fuck 2. Manipulate 3. Profit 4. Escape

by Anonymousreply 102/23/2021

FFS, you’re only 38. You still have time to find that spark, over and over again. If you believe your relationship has run its course, then it’s best to discuss it with your partner, as adults. Maybe he feels the same. Ans maybe it’s best to separate as friends, in good terms, rather than staying together and be miserable and make each other’s life hell.

by Anonymousreply 202/23/2021

OP, if I could have saved myself from staying in relationships that have run their course and wasting time with someone not right for me, I would go back in time and do it.

Life's too short to settle.

by Anonymousreply 302/23/2021

Are you guys open or monogamous? Can you envisions plans for the future with your current partner?

by Anonymousreply 402/23/2021

At this point you must either marry him or move on. If you’re going to build a life with someone, for the welfare of all concerned, make it legal. Do not give into a single delusional thought about finding true love, or having a soulmate, or any other suchlike nonsense. You’re 38. Time is not on your side. No more shilly-shallying. If you want a good husband lock one down ASAP.

by Anonymousreply 502/23/2021

Don't make the mistake of always looking over his shoulder for something better. Far away hills are not so green.

by Anonymousreply 602/23/2021

I agree with R3. Don't "settle."

On the other hand, don't expect perfection. You will be paired, if at all, with a human, it is hoped. Humans have flaws. They make mistakes. They aren't perfect.

You need to do a serious self-assessment about whether you truly want to be with someone else. Maybe you don't. There's nothing wrong with that.

Otherwise, make a mental list of "deal-breakers" and "must-haves." This will put some boundaries around your search for a partner. Everything else is negotiable.

You deserve to be happy, partnered or not. I wish you well.

by Anonymousreply 702/23/2021

Stay single. You’ll be happier. Thread Closed.

by Anonymousreply 802/23/2021

OP, what do you mean by "run its course"?

by Anonymousreply 902/23/2021

R2: Blunt and honest, thank you. I needed that. We’ve actually had that talk in varying depth a few times. But I think we’re due another, even if it’s just for me to be totally honest and see where that leaves us.

by Anonymousreply 1002/23/2021

OP is one of "those" gays.. I say STAY in your relationship or you will be bored without the drama. God forbid your boyfriend should be saddled with you thinking about dumping him--instead of letting your boyfriend find someone who will make him happy. OP probably believes Pete and Chasten are monogamous and met on a non sexual app on the first day they both joined.

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by Anonymousreply 1102/23/2021

[quote] it feels like it’s run its course. The added complication is feelings that have developed (and are reciprocated) by someone else.

OP, maybe you met someone new and now feel that the old standby relationship has run its course. You found "that spark" again because it's with a new person. It's pretty obvious to me.

If you do want to move "on to the next," break up with the old standby first.

Make sure that your "someone else" won't dump you as soon as you're "free" from the old standby. Some people actually like to be the "other man" or "other woman."

by Anonymousreply 1202/23/2021

Here is some advice. Stop pursuing perfection. It will never make you happy. Date a lot of types, not just your type. You might find someone better than your type. Relationships can get stale. Realize every day will not be six blowjobs and 3 hour fuck sessions. If can never fix a person. If they are wrong for you leave it. Once a cheater is not always a cheater. Sometimes forgiveness is needed. Find someone who makes you laugh, also find someone with a big dick, or at least a good sized dick. No one wants to spend the rest of their life with a cocktail weenie.

by Anonymousreply 1302/23/2021

R4: we were monogamous initially, then a handful of three ways together but nothing ever separately. It’s funny in the early days I did feel like I wasn’t ready to give up being single so I struggled a bit with feeling old before my time and settled down. I didn’t want an open relationship though, just felt like ‘ah if only I was older when we met and had more time to be single’. I don’t really miss being single now or random sex or dating.

I can definitely envision plans for the future too.

by Anonymousreply 1402/23/2021

R7: thanks, that’s really helpful advice, and kind of you to wish me well.

by Anonymousreply 1502/23/2021

One of two things is applicable here:

OP is a fickle whore

or

This guy isn't the one

by Anonymousreply 1602/23/2021

^^^ OP: You are welcome. My perspective comes from being very, very, very, very old.

by Anonymousreply 1702/23/2021

R9: sometimes it’s like we’ve run out of things to say to each other; I find I laugh more with friends. Maybe that sounds like small stuff but sometimes it feels big.

by Anonymousreply 1802/23/2021

Dump him.

Get a kitty.

by Anonymousreply 1902/23/2021

R12: agree, I wouldn’t start anything before ending it. Just typing ‘ending it’ I feel like I’m being dramatic/a bastard having even started this thread. But it’s been useful to hear the responses so thanks to you and the others.

by Anonymousreply 2002/23/2021

OP = Tell your boyfriend you are thinking about dumping him behind his back. He deserves to know you are plotting a life changing decision, that effects him, without his knowledge. YOU are not the victim in your story---your boyfriend is.

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by Anonymousreply 2102/23/2021

If you're unhappy enough with him to ask Datalounge for advice, it's over. Move on and let him do the same, OP.

by Anonymousreply 2202/23/2021

I’d like a little advice, if I may please.

Has anyone ever gone to couples therapy and walked out the other side of it totally vindicated? That all (or most)of the problems that needed to be addressed (and hopefully WERE addressed) came from your partner/SO/husband?

Just curious... for a friend.

by Anonymousreply 2302/23/2021

R23 = If you are going to "couples therapy" to be "vindicated", you really need to just break up. Or take your boyfriend and have some FUN---a threeway or whatever. Who wants to go to a therapist because they need someone to side with them? geez.

by Anonymousreply 2402/23/2021

Thanks R24, that’s a perspective I needed.

by Anonymousreply 2502/23/2021

I'm 55, (so I guess, "time" is really not on my side), disabled, Mexican (though assimilated). I have to say I'm a lot more apprehensive about relationships than I was from my 20's through my late 40's. My advice is be forthright and honest and unless you want to be a benefactor watch your wallet.

by Anonymousreply 2602/23/2021

Couples Therapy is for couples who need to work out a way to stay together because of their children.

My advice is different: see this other guy casually and scope out what a relationship with him would be like. Find out if he cheated on other partners, where he likes to go on vacation, what his weekend looks like, and his bookshelf, and his music collection, and his dick. Then decide.

by Anonymousreply 2702/23/2021
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