What do you do if you don't like your soulmate?

You wait for the next bus to come to Palm Springs where you find another!

Soulmate schmolemate you need a better relationship. Or no relationship. How old are you?

Why not break up and see if you can remain friends. Since you are soulmates and all. I bet you don't even remain friends.

If there really is a deep bond, then at least try to drag him to couples counseling. If he's willing to work on finding common interests, and you're both willing to work on minimizing behaviors that annoy the shit out of the other, maybe there's a little hope.

There are 7.8 billion people in the world. It's nonsense to think that only one person can be a soul mate. You are comfortable with him because you built a life together, but now it sounds like you are stuck in a rut and he isn't able to give what you need. Letting go is tough, but if he isn't willing to get help for his depression or make an effort to be a better partner, the option is there. Life is too short to cling to a partner who doesn't appear to appreciate you.

That connection might be a matter of comfort at this point. Or maybe you have a special chemistry together but don't work well as life partners.

Have you had other long term relationships? Are you and your partner free to pursue sex outside of your relationship? Has your libido died down or just your interest in sex with him?

Therapy might help if he's willing and you're reluctant to move on without him.

Often it's better to be single than in a bad relationship. It may be difficult to imagine life without him, but brighter days are likely ahead if you look for someone that you like.

[quote]He loves to watch football and soccer, I prefer classical music and books.

So what you're saying is that you have nothing in common except for the gay thing.

There's good advice here, OP, take it.

I've been through something similar. That comfort you feel is boredom and he's happy to ignore you. It will be hard, but you need to pull the pin on this relationship. You only live once -- is this how you see your life panning out?

[face slap!]

Snap out of it!

[quote]He never seems to have any interest in what I do, or even who I am. He is often so depressed he shuts down. He pays little attention to my career, and seldom if ever asks questions about it or me... we've stopped having sex and neither of us minds. He loves to watch football and soccer, I prefer classical music and books. We have little in common. I don't really like him."

WOW! Every definition of soulmate I can think of!

Seriously, though: Exactly WHAT kind of a connection do you two still have? That he's just ... there ... after all this time?

What's keeping you there? Is it the financial situation? Lots of people are stuck together because they can't afford to move out. If that's not the case, find someone new or take a break and be on your own for awhile.

You don’t want to hear, “Now? The Pandemic is the Exact Worst Time For This. File it Away.” Fine.

You could play Flee The Nazis and change everything at once - that’s reserved for those of us who are hypomanic. You leave a note, but pop in to make sure he hasn’t killed pets or plants.

You could play A LA NON (pretend it’s French) wherein you pursue a full professional and social life and accept what he can give at this time. You use him as an excuse/volunteer.

You could take him by the hand and investigate/plan/inquire/schedule/visit mental health therapy. You shouldn’t have to do this. It’s change for both of you.

What you described doesn't sound like soulmates but traumatic bonding. Get some therapy.

I was in a 17 year relationship that ended 11 years ago. It took me along time to understand why I was so much happier alone. I mistook codependence for love. Life IS too short , dear OP... leave while you still can.

OP, what is there about him that’s comforting to you? He must bring something to the relationship if it feels that way to you. Are you ok with things staying this way? Can you talk to him about where you’re at in your relationship or find someone who can facilitate that talk together safely?

Without more information and explanation, this is just a contradictory mess.

The 2nd paragraph completely contradicts the first. You don’t even like him but you’re bonded? Something about him resonates with you?

Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for your boyfriend.

Nas he had NPD long?

It doesn’t sound that different than most long term marriages I have been around. Are you better off with him, or alone? To me that’s the basic question only you can answer. Thanks Ann Landers! Good luck, OP.

Limerance doesn’t always last, OP.

Full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.

Not your soulmate OP, despite your desperate assertions.

Get a better one.

leave OP...life is too short to spend it with someone you dont want to be with anymore

Op, he's not your soulmate; you're just used to him

[quote] Something about him resonates with me, despite our differences. We are comfortable together. I can't explain it, it's almost like something explicable bonds us.

Which means your issues compliment each other. Either you see him as someone who needs saving (and you're the one who can do it) or you believe you don't deserve anything better.

Years ago I was dragged to a Parents Without Partners meeting (don't ask). The speaker that night addressed problems like this. The answer was very simple: Become more like your partner.

If your partner is messy, become messy. If your partner likes crappy movies, embrace crappy movies. That sort of thing. If you want this relationship to survive, learn to love sports.

You may hate this advice, I've never been in a position to have to use this advice, but see if there's a way to apply it to your situation.

OP you should watch the new show “Soul Mates” some episodes deal with this

r24. That's terrible advice. Be the (only) one who changes to make the relationship work? Those who follow that advice are the ones who murder their spouses over spilled milk, because it's the last straw for them after years and years of resentment for putting up with all the bullshit only to make the relationship "work".

Read R12 again--and then over and over again as many times as you need to.

SHARED TRAUMA

Just get over yourself and get on with it, OP mate.

That’s what I had to do. God or whoever the fook is in charge has got a fooking nerve giving me a Scouser for a soulmate—and the worst bastard one of the lot, to boot—but what can you do? Stuck with them, aren’t you.

Welcome to adulthood. This is 90% of couples.

Ha. My husband never asks about my job. I explained what it is that I do just once, and very briefly, years ago, and that may have been not in answer to him but to one of his friends who was with us.

Yet six years later I overheard him describe my work to someone with more precision and clarity, more context, together with detailed examples of what I do and its larger application, than I could summon up easily, or even with a bit of thought, and I do like my work.

My husband is so very different in so many ways, and outwardly so very uninterested in what I do — all of which is fine because I think one's profession is generally boring fodder for conversation. For that matter, he's not one to ask a lot of questions of any sort, and he has good friends about whom he doesn't know what for most people are the most basic things. However I've learned not to misjudge lack of questions about lack of interest; he is exceptionally observant and attentive while giving no appearance of it. He forgets some many things, with great predictability, yet remembers the most unexpected things at the right times.

People who do all the right things at all the right times and ask all the right questions meant to make me feel better, important, etc....they're really only doing the things expected of couple: remembering favorite colors and anniversaries and mothers-in-law birthdays, and asking how that project is going at work. Boring as fuck, unnecessary, and awkward to respond as if I care that they care. Fucking surprise me.

You know, you may have a shared history together which might account for the attachment you feel towards him. But be honest - what you've described is that he has no interest in you, you have no physical relationship together and you do no shared activities. I was with my former partner for 17 years and, frankly, I probably could've got out of there at least 3 - 4 years sooner. I made the mistake of thinking that we had the same things invested in the relationship, in the life we built together. I would suggest you take the risk and move on. If nothing else, you won't have a constant reminder around that this person is disinterested in you. You have no idea how much you're holding yourself back.

Be prepared for it to end badly - even with the best intentions, you only find out who people really are at the end of the relationship.

Start taking steps, don't waste anymore time, unless there are mitigating circumstances (like you have to sell a shared property or something). Even if nothing else comes of this, you'll have your self-respect and relationship with yourself. Right now, it sounds like your possibilities are limited; leaving this relationship could really open up your life.

Then I ain’t your soulmate, bruh.

OP... Your soulmate isn’t the person you think it is!

OP, you have a roommate, not a soulmate. Your "comfort" with him is merely complacency.

Now, there is nothing wrong with living with a roommate for the companionship - so long as individually you are free to go out and live your life, have your own friends, have fun, travel, date, etc. Otherwise it sounds like you are locked into a lifeless / soulless existence. Nothing will change unless you take the first step, since it appears your roommate is satisfied with the status quo. Either resign yourself to continuing as is, try to revive your relationship, or decide to move on. At 50, I terminated a 25 year relationship and began a new chapter. I'm so so glad I did as it was a positive move for both of us.

I can relate.

Well R26, it's basically what Sandy did in Grease.

And R34, what I would impress upon OP and others, and I think you might agree, is it actually takes time AFTER you leave a relationship to embark upon a new life as well. I separated from my former partner in 2013 and it was three years before I'd actually accomplished creating and building a life of my own (with new career, etc.). So it takes time. Get on with it, I say.

Soul mates come, and soul mates go

If you're comfortable together and relatively happy the way things are, and if you believe you'd be more unhappy if you weren't together then it's worth trying to stick it out. You need to go to a marriage or couples counselor. If he's clinically depressed that is the first thing that needs to be dealt with. That may be just the fix your relationship needs.

I doubt you ever had a “soulmate.” That relationship is an extremely rare one reserved for the very lucky and exceptional people, and you don’t seem particularly bright. (no offense, just an observation.) Most people choose to rough it out if you’re 40 or older. The chances are, at that age, no one else will want you. However, if you are fine with being alone the rest of your life, rip off the bandaid. Many of us stay because we know we’ll need help when we get old and sick.

OP is terrified of change and being alone. That's why he stays in a loveless relationship. The alternative, he envisions in his head (struggling on his own back in the superficial dating game), is too frightening.

Relationships are not supposed to last. We are supposed to go through life step by step on our own path. Sure, we meet people we are wonderfully compatible with one moment, but the next we drift in different directions, and it's time to say goodbye and keep walking our own path to meet the next wonderfully compatible mate for now.

Play this each day

T-H-E-R-A-P-Y

Get some.

R43 - I don’t think we’re dealing with people evolved or intelligent enough to seek therapy. When you’re depending on monumental life advice on the DL, you’re fucked.

If you don't like him, he isn't your soul mate

Sounds like OP dislikes things about him, not the man himself. Every couple dislike things about each other. If OP or his mate are not willing to confront the problems not much will change.

You could pump a shit ton of money to have a therapist tell you to explore your options, OP. Or you could save the money and get out now. End of.

You don’t know what to do, OP?

How’bout you go fuck yourselves in separate bedrooms or in the same one?

That 'bond'is called co-dependency, OP.

Maybe soulmate is the wrong term. But, you probably have shared values, a history, and common life goals. If true, work on the other areas that are not congruent. Looking for love at any age is never easy. Next guy will probably have a whole other set of issues that you'll be writing about in a few years.