I miss my mom and can't bear to take down my Christmas tree

So, you're not a Mary. Losing a parent to dementia is slow motion grief. I lost both my parents to it.

I can't give you any cliches that will make it better. I wish I could. You sound so sincere. I will say this. Stay close as much as you can and take strength and comfort from the idea you tried to do your best - and don't imagine you failed because I bet you're being hard on yourself. I am sorry COVID is getting in your way. I wish I could say something to comfort you but all I can muster is your post suggests you are a decent sort and decent people don't fail, even if they wish they could have done more. That wish to have done more is part of the decency.

And you keep that damn tree just where you want it for just as long as you want it. Although, maybe not til July. ;) xo

Hugs, OP. Keep your tree up for as long as you want.

Stay strong, OP

Don't you dare take that tree down (I hope it's fake).

Thanks, r1. That was very helpful.

And I'm sorry you had to go through this too.

OP, I would only add this... it's been many years and I'm at peace with it and me and that's why I was able to write what I did. And someday you will feel that way and your feelings right now are part of the road to getting there. You take it one day at a time.

[quote] Now I'm back in my small apartment, with my small Christmas tree, and I can't bear to take it down this year

For what it's worth, Opie, I'm not taking down my tree until at least mid-February. Christmas (according to the "old" Julian calendar) is on Jan 7th. The old Julian calendar was devised by Julius Caesar and was the predominant calendar in the Roman world and most of Europe for more than 1,600 years (!) (until it was revised in the 16th C to become the "new" Gregorian calendar). Each day of the "old" Julian calendar occurs 13 days after its corresponding day on the "new" Gregorian calendar.

And then February 12th is Oriental New Year (start of the Year of the Bull).

So I'm taking my tree down on Feb 13th. You'll be far from alone if you do the same.

Thanks, r6. It's funny: one moment I will think, "I can't imagine life without my mom." And then I realize how much I've already lost her. It's such a strange way to mourn.

Keep it up as long as you want, OP. Dementia is awful, and like a previous poster mentioned, is like a slow-motion grief. I went through it a few years ago with my grandmother. One of the hardest things I've been through. Do whatever you can to keep your spirits up. This past year has been smacking a lot of us down & we've had to just keep our spirits alive. I'm not taking my Christmas stuff down till at least February. I need it.

I both admire and am inspired by your beautifully brutal candor and profound depth of feeling. I wish I was with you so that so could give you a big hug, sit in front of your tree with you, and listen to you talk about whatever it is you would want to talk about.

Your pain and sadness are valid, as is your desire to keep the tree up. If I were you, I would allow myself to keep it up throughout all of January. Perhaps you can engage in a letting go ritual in which every day of the month you put away an ornament and reflect or meditate on the changes that are causing you grief. Just a thought. (Maybe say a prayer, too.)

Also, is it possible to stay with your mom or have her stay with you? If either is an option, I would consider this. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t try to get as close to her as you can now.

Thank you for your post. Although it must have been hard to open up and be so vulnerable, I think you doing so has prompted a few of us to think deeper and beyond the scope of our own issues and problems.

You seem like a beautiful person to me right now and I will be thinking about you and your mom during meditation and prayer.

Hugs, OP. Keep the Christmas tree up . Savor it and the time you still have with your mother.

r10 thank you. And I really like this idea:

[quote]Perhaps you can engage in a letting go ritual in which every day of the month you put away an ornament and reflect or meditate on the changes that are causing you grief. Just a thought.

Op, my heart aches for you. I am sending you a hug and understanding thoughts...

My mom loved Christmas and I still have all her Christmas decorations. Every year when I take them out I think of her. She also died of a long illness and dementia. I have a lot of painful memories of her decline. Try to think of the happier times with your mom, OP. People’s lives are a lot more than just their death.

You’re a good son, OP.

😿

(((Hugs OP))). It’s so hard losing a beloved parent

Take care of yourself and leave that tree up!

Awww thanks r15

r14 I think about that -- that she will live on in my memories of all the fun Christmas traditions we shared when I was growing up. And that she wouldn't want me to be sad.

R12 You’re welcome and I’m glad the suggestion spoke to you.

I don’t want to get too much into what I’m going through, but let’s just say I’m in a phase in my life in which I am having to let go of, so goodbye to, and make peace with a lot of things (e.g. people, habits, ways of thinking, the blush of youth, etc.), so I can definitely empathize with you.

Recently, I was reading the varied responses in the thread “How did you cope with the death of your parent(s)” and I was both moved and inspired. If you’re too raw right now to read this kind of thread, I would totally understand. You might be able to find some solace in it, though. I was moved to tears and catharsis.

You’re not alone.

*say goodbye to

❤️ and many hugs OP.

OP, I'm actually choked up by your post. Don't even question your sadness, let alone the Christmas tree. Why do you have to take it down? If it is symbolic, and giving you comfort, keep it up. Keep it up all year! There are no rules. That Christmas tree represents the mother you love and the things that brought her joy. It's a celebration and also a poignant remembrance of what can no longer be. I hope you have people around you that you can rely on for awesome hugs. I would give you one and sing carols with you if I could. I'd hug you while you cried. You are not crazy, you are sane. You are a precious person and I wish you strength and comfort to get through this.

And the same for all of you, and I know there are more than a few, that have been through this same thing, or are going through it now. I send my love to you all. It's very, very, very, sad and hard. Know that you are in my thoughts.

I am going through it now op - funny - I have a tight chest and I’m upset about my mom right now so I came to Datalounge and found your post. I am herre of my mom during Covid - - her friends and co -workers have either died or aged away from her life. My smart confident mom can’t do simple math and has those scared blank eyes some days (like today) The Christmas Tree is half up - she just didn’t care this year - I hesitate to finish taking it down because I don’t want to think about where we might be next Christmas. Sad, sad, sad - my very best wishes to you!

My Nana loved her Christmas trees. besides me, her cats and alcohol it was the only thing in life that brought her happiness. She kept that tree up until February when she did real trees and until... whenever she damned well wanted when she switched to fake trees. towards the end she just kept it up. if anyone mentioned it to her she would threaten to smack them with a big wooden spoon - not in a joking way.

and it made her happy. I think of that when I worry about if something I want would be seen as silly by others. I mentally brandish a wooden spoon and enjoy whatever makes me happy. take from all that what you will.

It’s awful losing our parents; just know many people on here can sympathize with what you’re going through. Hope you can find some things to comfort you and make you smile, despite it all.

R23, I think a lot of us have gotten a wake up call this last year. Life is short, anything can happen, and happiness is a valid and important reason to do anything, more than ever. Let’s not forget this year, and worry more about what other people think than we worry about what comforts us and gives us joy.

Much love to you, OP.

Those who have said you're a good son/person are absolutely right.

[quote]I miss my mom and can't bear to take down my Christmas tree

What kind of tree was your mother?

Fuck off cunt @R27.

Disregard them OP.

Leave it up for as long as you need to, OP. Disregard all haters. I was first exposed to this way of grieving as a young man in 1980s San Francisco. Here’s a big hug for you. ((())) I just lost my mom a couple years ago and I will never be the same.

Awww, honey. We’re a bunch of hateful bitches, but we’re here for you. Losing your mom is the worst. Xxoo

Thanks everyone for the responses. I cried several times as I read this thread.

I love you bitches!

I get it, Miss OP.

My mom was the heart of our family and the heart of Christmas. It's never been the same since she's been gone.

R31 Stay strong, keep feeling your feelings, and keep us updated! ❤️

Sending virtual hugs to you, OP.

OP, how about getting a really beautiful wreath that you keep up all year long? (Instead of the Christmas tree.)

OP, one of the things we did to remember my mom after she died was to get a shadowbox where we could put a photo, some small items (our baby bracelets) and a few other things - maybe you could do something like that and put an ornament inside, so you have a memory all year long to display?

Who takes care of her if she can't do things like brush her teeth? I took care of my mom for two years. It's hard.

OP I kept mine up last year thorughout January. I did keep watering it but I think I was watering a dead dead dead tree.

This year no tree but I have these huge branches - dead and dried obviously - in a large Chinese vase and I decorated that. Probably stay that way until Easter.

If it comforts you then keep it up. But take some nice pictures of it and maybe print one out and frame it.

Hugs to you, OP.

Having lost my mother on January 7th 2002 after a six month long illness which included all the Fall holidays which she loved, I can totally empathize with the OP's grief. I still miss her. So fuck every one who considers me a hater.

I just knew how many of you Marys would be all mushy, so I figured we needed some vinegar.

Get over thyselves.

I’m really sorry OP.

Sending you a hug.

And you’re not a MARY at all - that’s incredibly difficult.

r37 my dad takes care of her, but we've never been particularly close

R1, I have a parents with it and I know someone who has two parents with it. I can't imagine the strength required to deal with two parents getting it. I'd just break.

And I'm the one on here who goes after any complete idiot on who says Biden or Trump has it. They have no fucking idea about the disease if they think either of them have it, esp., galling when used as an insult. It's a horrifying disease that just breaks you.

a parent*

All of you get a MARY!

But a respectful, empathetic MARY!

Love you OP.

Someone in your situation once said to me: "This is what's left of my mother".

Sympathy, OP, dementia is a terrible slow death, where the person you knew dies long before their body dies. If you have a way to cope that isn't self-destructive, like keeping up your Christmas tree instead of drinking yourself blind, then keep the fucking Christmas tree all year round! Get a potted pine if you want one year round!

OP, do whatever you need to do and Want to do to give yourself some comfort and peace. You do not need to feel guilty or bad because you have done everything you could possibly do.

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought of the trips we used to take together (every couple of years, we'd drive out west. My mom loved both the scenery and the history and we would visit state/national parks and historical museums, stuff she'd wanted to do when younger but had lacked the resources).

Anyway, I thought of taking those kinds of trips on my own, without her, and all of a sudden, it was like a huge hole opened up in my heart. It's hard to describe. Just a peculiar feeling of emptiness that will never be fully mitigated.

Long before personal computers were commonplace, IBM introduced a Selectric typewriter with a memory function allowing the typist to recall and revise something previously written up to 4000 characters. I worked for a surgeon whose specialty was the treatment of pancreatic cancer. It's an awful disease, one then (mid-1970's) and still today almost always fatal - the best thing he could do for most patients was to delay the inevitable. When they died, I had to type up a condolence letter and I recall a line in every one of them I'd read as it scrolled out across the page: "the pain and sadness you feel now will in time be replaced with memories of better and happier days. I know because it has happened to me." He'd lost a daughter when she was seven or eight years old and it affected him for the rest of his life.

I was young then, right out of college, and death was the furthest thing from my mind. It was a kind thing to say if a bit formulaic to me - expressions of sorrow a sad but necessary part of the job - but I never gave it much thought until my parents died years later and found out how right he'd been.

It must be worse when a parent is still alive but no longer the person you knew and loved, OP; like a death in slow motion as they slip away. It'll take longer for you because it's usually a long goodbye, but it gets better as the thoughts of pain, loss, and regret you're experiencing now recede with the passage of time. The sadness probably won't ever go away completely, but for most of us the good memories eventually crowd out the bad. I hope, for example, that you'll be able to enjoy the memories of those trips someday rather than regret your inability to share them with her any more.

You're doing what most of us eventually have to do. I wish both you and her peace and comfort on that journey.

R48 ((hug))

Thank you r49 / r50

Well. I finally took it down today.

Carrie Fisher kept a Christmas tree up all year long. Keep it up.

Well, if it helps keep your Christmas tree up - there are certainly stranger things you could do

At the end of her life, my mom was so debilitated by pain that her death felt like a relief. It was hard to see such a strong, vibrant woman go out like that. But in time, thoughts about her last days fade & you remember the things that she loved: cooking, travel, family, holidays, what have you. Give money to a charity in her honor - something to remember her better days. Do something that you think would make the younger version of her smile.

I wish I missed my mother even a little bit, but she was a cold, WASP bigot. I think it is a testament to your mother, and your relationship. You're not a Mary, but do get outside and out of your head so you don't join your mom too soon.

There are theme parks, open all year, that celebrate Christmas, so I don't think you should worry.

Hi OP, I hope you are feeling better. It's spring here where I am (Tuscany) and maybe where you are too. It's been a hard year, and we are locked down again. But we can go outside for exercise and other things, and the trees are starting to bud, the sun is warm, and it's easier to feel hopeful.

So I hope the pain has lessened for you and you can start to remember happier times..

OP and others with a parent with dementia...

When my mom was in a nursing home slowly disappearing from this horrible disease, I would drive 500 miles once a month to visit her for the weekend. On good days, I could take her outside for a walk, and sometimes even drive her to get a snack, like ice cream. She knew who I was, and could handle basic conversation, but she was just a shell of the woman who raised me and who I loved.

On one outing, I decided to take her to one of her favorite restaurants to get "a treat" - something we had all loved when I was growing up. In this case it was New England Fried Clams. I couldn't take her into the restaurant, because she was unable to handle silverware or the other tasks involved with a meal, so I called ahead and ordered the clams to go. We arrived at the restaurant, and I ran inside to get the clams, and we ate them in the car.

Well, fried clams have a very strong and distinctive odor, and as my mom happily ate them, I noticed a profound change in her, which I attributed to the reaction to the clam smell triggering memories of the past. She sat up straight, and suddenly began to have what I consider an adult conversation with me. For instance, she said that she knew she would never leave the nursing home and asked what had happened to her home. I decided to be honest and told her that we had to sell it to pay for some of her nursing home expenses. She was sad about the (she loved that house) but was thrilled to hear how much we got for the property. She seemed proud that the improvements she had done to her home had paid off. We talked about my siblings (who lived nearby), and about the nursing home staff who she adored. And we talked a bit about the future. I told her that I loved her, and she said how much she loved all her children and how well they were supporting her in this difficult time. When we finished the clams, she asked me to go inside and get another order!

By the time we had returned to the nursing home, she was back to her previous condition - slouched and out of it. It was really sad for me, but to this day, I am so grateful to have had the small window of clarity where we could laugh and reminisce about the past and even discuss the future. I mentioned this to some of the nursing staff, and they said it was not uncommon for something like a familiar odor to trigger a dementia patient back into the present, if only for a moment. My prayer is that others going through this disease with a parent might have the same experience.

You never cut the umbilical cord. You'd better get an independent view of yourself or you will be lost.

r57 your story touched me like nothing has in a long time. (And you're a great writer.)

Thank you.

OP, sending you love and hugs.

My mother had dementia and, eventually, Alzheimer's before she died. Luckily for us, she mostly remembered al of her children, grand-children and great-grand-children (though she was good at faking that stuff as well). It was a fall that led to her death rather than her mental deterioration however that long, slow fade out as she lost touch with the world was incredibly difficult to watch.

The documentary about Glen Campbell's decline from Alzheimer's, 'I'll Be Me', was incredibly helpful to me and I recommend you try to see it, OP. I thought it would be the last thing I would be able to watch (I mean, we were living out that same story) but seeing Campbell's irrational behavior and moments of lucidity gave me a real insight into what we were experiencing with my mother. I stopped blaming her for feelings she couldn't understand or control. It's a dreadful disease, for the person suffering and the people who love them.

Sending a hug OP. I just lost my Mom the same way in Nov. She told us that she was ready to go. She didn’t even know that her beloved Aunt-more like a sister-had been dead for a year. I like to think she is up there with her Mom, Aunt, Grandpa, Uncles, etc., and happy. It’s a rough process, but you and her will be ok.

The same way parents wish they could freeze their kids in time - I’d like the same. My parents, retired and relaxed before the decline set in.

OP, I'm going through this with my older sister. Sometimes it's hard to breathe, thinking of our lives dwindling each day. I have loved her for so long, I don't remember a day in my life that she hasn't touched.

Our parents were functioning alcoholics. They did okay enough to hold decent jobs, but the circumstances of our home life was unspeakably sad, and wrought with all the pain that comes from neglect.

My sister, (16 years older than I) was my saviour. She has been my shining star since she walked me into first grade. And I hate like hell to lose her.

I write this to you not so much to commiserate, but to let you know your grief isn't going unnoticed. There are so many who know what you're going through. And we wish we could ease your pain; soothe your excruciating sorrow. It sounds trite; I don't mean it to be. You are not alone.

Whatever happened, OP? How are you faring?

I put up my Christmas tree in Nov 2019, took it down in Feb 2020, then put it back up in March 2020 when the pandemic lock-downs started. It stayed up until March 2021 when the lights burned out on the date exactly 1 year after it went up. It took that as a sign. Now I have a feeling that I want to throw that tree away and get a new one that's different in some way. But I haven't shopped yet so I might be SOL.

God, I hope that, by now, the poor OP has tripped into his brown and brittle Christmas tree, dropping his tumbler of gin and lit cigarette onto the mound of fallen needles, and has joined his dear mother in peace.

It would be like an early Yule present for everyone.