Dinner guests asking to take home their leftover food

"type of thing"

Not once. You have weird friends.

I think taking leftovers home from a restaurant is tacky enough.

So, did you fix a plate or nah?

I'd take it as a compliment. Your cooking must be amazing if people want to take it home rather than throw it away.

On one hand it's tacky, but on the other hand I don't like the idea of food waste.

This happened to me once when we had my partner’s colleague and gf over for dinner and they proceeded to ask for containers to take our leftovers with them.

We have them the food and the containers as a gift and never saw them again, socially. Some people were raised in a barn, apparently.

The most outrageous thing that happened to me as a host: A very good friend brought two bottles of wine to my dinner party as a host gift.

I thanked him but didn't use the wine because it didn't go with what I was serving (but asked him if he would like some).

At the end of the evening, he went into my kitchen picked up the bottles, thanked me for dinner, and left with the wine.

And he is a well-educated person who should know better.

fucking cunts

Yes, this happened to me once. My husband's friends were over for a dinner. One couple split one of their plates (I served "restaurant-style") and asked for the other to be boxed for them to take home. Some time later, we had the same group for dinner again. That time I served "family-style." I figured that they would put on their plate only what they would eat and they did. But when I cleared the dishes, the same guy asked for a box. I refused.

It’s very impolite. Wait if the host offers and if not then you don’t go ask for leftovers yourself.

I tell them I used both servings from the can.

I have never asked as a guest nor been asked by a guest. I have both offered guests leftovers and been offered them, particularly desserts. People will often take a slice of cake with them; something nice for coffee the next day and I don't have to eat it all myself or throw it out.

Sounds like you made too large of portions. What else are you going to do with the food? Are you going to eat the leftovers on their plates?

I would take it as a compliment. And I don't want a lot of excess food in my fridge.

I've given to-go tupperware to my family, if they want it.

It happens very rarely, but I don't make a fuss and glad that the food is wanted and maybe makes it easier for them not to have to cook another meal. I spent a lot of time cooking all that so I appreciate that they don't have to go through the trouble.

I think it's very tacky for guests to ask. However, if it's family I think it's alright.

You’re putting too large a portion on the plate, OP.

OP are you the kind of host that would offer some of the leftovers to your guests at the end of the evening or not? If not, is it because you planned on eating then yourself the next night - a perfectly reasonable thing to do, or do you plan and cook in such a way that there are really no leftovers beyond what has been plated? It is very tacky for the guests to ask.

If they put it on their plate and couldn't finish it I'd humor them, but asking for the rest of a family style dinner serving plate would be a "get out of my house!" moment. That's just pure greed. Also people who take seconds, or thirds, and then ask for taking some with them won't get another invite. I'm not a fucking soup kitchen. We are supposed to socialize together not watch you eat like a hog.

If there are leftovers, I usually offer to make them a plate to go and they are usually pretty psyched. My partner and I are both good cooks and people are enthusiastic about the food. I think it’s kind of flattering if anything.

I have a terrible confession. Not prepared food, but I brought various colored peppers from my garden and gave them to a friend in a golden bowel I had picked up in a bazaar in Cairo. it was a lovely display but for some reason, I asked for the bowl back when I left Decades ago but we aren't really friends anymore(not because of that).

R18 you sound like a delight.

R19 you have the right idea. As long as you're offering and they accept, no problem.

To directly address OP's comment - uneaten steak - I could see wanting to not waste that and it's easy to add to other dishes for a 2nd meal. Plus I'm not eating their partially eaten steak.

The linguine and clam sauce is a weird ask.

As far as the honey baked ham, why not bring the leftovers? Those things are massive. How much ham would you want to eat by yourself?

I guess for me, most dinner party and holiday dinners are higher-calorie indulgences and I just don't want the leftovers in my house. Particularly with dessert - fucking take the whole thing! I don't need half a pie or cake staring me in the face, taunting and tempting me every time I open the fridge door.

R22, I would never ask anyone for leftovers (unless I’m eating at my parent’s house). That’s just how I was raised .

I usually offer my guests to take leftovers with them if they like, but I hate when people have zero etiquette. I gave the example with my husband’s colleague and girlfriend who simply asked for containers to take home leftover food. That’s just rude, and I really hate bad manners.

It probably a nice gesture to pack a few servings of desert or a festive dish that would travel easily (holiday cookies, etc.). Asking is a bit rude but I see this with younger people visiting parents or grandparents.

I also think it’s a bit much to push food onto guests. That happens to me sometimes, and the implication is uncomfortable (“I know you live alone and probably don’t really cook for yourself...”). I think it’s all dependent in who the guests are and their levels of familiarity.

As a guest, I would not ask for a doggy bag, though.

I always offer my guests leftovers from big holiday meals . Since I over cook usually ,it really is a big help for them to take some. I buy dollar store plastic containers to send them home with,and its a win/win. Ive never ,in my 59 years , had anyone ask for leftovers. I wouldnt know what to say .

I LOVE the super hosts that have pre-made take-home containers, usually the disposable paper type (go green, sort of). As another poster said, this is perfect for desserts but sometimes there are large enough portions that some of the meals can be taken home. At no point would I ever think it's appropriate to ask my host to take home anything besides dessert.

Sometimes your too full to eat it then but you may really want it later.

OP, you sound stingy. You actually did you sister a favor by not showing up.

Unthinkable. What kind of trash do you hang out with OP?

I can see this happening at holidays with family members but otherwise, tacky

OP is a pig who wanted the entire spiral ham for himself.

It's about being taken advantage of when hosting such an affair. You can bet that the ones asking for doggy bags treat their own guests, when they host, less favorably. It's one thing to be poor or broke thanks to the Trump administration mishandling the health crisis and the economy. In such times it's perfectly fine to help out where you can. But it's another to make others feel like a literal meal ticket where you didn't come to be with them but for the free food.

[quote] Am I over reacting?

Pretty much any time anyone asks this question on DL, the answer is an unqualified "Yes."

The host should offer leftovers to take home.

I will always take home leftovers if offered because 1. I am not a good cook and 2. I will probably eat it at like 11 pm that night.

I have brought wine to my good friends house and we didn't drink it, so I took it home. They have done the same thing.

Take the stick out. It's just food you already cooked. They may be broke and really need the extra to save money. You don't know.

To answer R17's question, I always make enough food to have a couple of servings more than I need. For steaks, one per person, and I am talking a filet size. I am in my fifties and have hosted many many dinners where I was the cook. Considering that there are only 2 instances of people actually asking to take their food home, I guess that I was wondering if my experiences were as odd as I saw them. I have lived in the Northeast, Deep South, Mid West, and now Pacific Northwest. Mannerly people are the same everywhere. They don't ask for to go boxes in a private home! (R32) Touche!

Well of course that happened to you in Chicago OP. What else would you expect?

R23 - I would never ask for leftovers either, but if the host offers, I may accept.

Most of my dinner parties are with family members and close friends I've had for over 20 years. There's no pretense anymore - here, take some, I've got plenty!

However, if it were with acquaintances and people I've known for less than a few years, NO WAY would I offer or request left-overs.

So, for me, I guess it depends on the level of familiarity with guests.

[quote]I have brought wine to my good friends house and we didn't drink it, so I took it home.

Has anyone told you that you're white trash?

R33 - I'm going to have to stop you right there. A bottle of wine is an appropriate gift to thank the host for preparing the meal and for the invite.

Over my dead body are you taking back the gifts you brought with you! You would be crossed off my list for life.

That's just soooo wrong.

Asking to take home wine you brought your host is absolutely baffling . I would immediately punch and delete your ass , and I dont care how long Ive known you .

R8 it was a gesture meant to communicate that he thought you were rude to not serve what he brought. I'm not agreeing but I am interpreting. I've heard people bitching about the host not serving what they brought and a big argument ensued: on one side, no, you don't bring something that the host has to serve; on the other, yes, be gracious.

I would open any bottle a guest brought, and I would be happy for guests to take home food.

As a guest, I would never take home food unless it's at my parents' or sister's house.

It's really a shame to use a dinner party to judge. People have a hard time being guests for exactly this reason. I worry that I'm a fucking rube and will make a faux pas, and then sometimes I end up turning down an invitation.

Doesn't matter anymore because there are no more dinner parties.

R33, what if you bring flowers for the host, do you take them home of the guest doesn’t smell them?

R38 these dinners were not formal at all. It is pretty much three of us and no big deal.

We also bring our own Scotch or Whiskey to drink, if that is the type of night we are having.

Sometimes, when money has been really tight I told them I could not afford wine and they did not care.

My best friends like me for me, not for pretending to be this polished and posh person.

You know, it was customary on holidays, or large gatherings with family and friends for people to "tote" leftovers. So the turkey, the dressing, the ham, the mac & cheese, etc., the cakes and pies, etc. got divided up, and little "care packages" were I'm gonna freeze it" or the hostess would make sure to set aside enough for her own family. It was old fashioned, but it was customary. OTOH, if you are having a small gathering, just one or two couples, or whatever and someone ASKS to take home their leftover steak? That's a whole different thing. No. It is totally out of line andvery bad manners. Now lets say you have another couple come over for dinner and one of them feels unwell, and can't eat and you offer to pack a little soething for the to take home, that's different. But in g eneral I think it's bad manners. Only if a host offers or insists should it ever happen.

r33 that's very odd to take it back. My friends don't know all of the traditional etiquette rules, cause they aren't on DL, one of which is that if a guest brings something it should be a gift for the host, not something to be consumed during the meal. There is an exception when a host askes people to bring items.

My friends, all in their late 20s to early 30s, are used to meals being a communal affair. We bring our own drinks, the host provides the dinner, someone handles dessert. At the end of the meal, it's alright to take your contributions home, but most would leave what they bring for the host to enjoy. There really are no rules today so I can understand the confusion.

I hope you at least brought a chilled glass of wine since you expect to drink it during the meal.

I guess one unwritten rule is that someone brings White Claws. At a NYE party/dinner last year almost every other person brought a case of White Claw. By 10pm the host had to leave them on his back porch. Every time someone open the door for more there was a mountain of White Claw boxes in the back.

I like gifting the host with chocolates or a dessert and I make it clear that it is a gift for them not for the meal. They are always taken aback, by the chocolates because it's rare.

I give all food people want to take home in tinfoil. That way they don't have to worry about returning the container to me.

Yeah R33 - you, and your friends apparently, don't understand the concept of the "host gift." It is a thank you for the meal and the invite, and it may or may not be served that evening -- that is up to the host; you don't take it back if it is unopened, the wine is just like flowers, or some fancy soap, or something else you know the host would like -- it is a gift. You can certanly ask before hand if the host want's you to bring anything, and then the requested wine or dessert will be served because the host specified what he wanted you to bring; -- if they say no thanks, you bring something anyway, but with the expectation that it will not be served that night.

R40 - I disagree. I'm not serving a riesling with steak. Most likely, your wine will not be a match with what I'm serving.

I've also heard that you open the wine that the guest brought and that just seems so wrong. Dessert? Fine - I'll serve any dessert and it saves me time.

But I don't feel compelled to open your wine unless it's a very good wine and you asked ahead of time so that it pairs with the food.

If that's your favorite wine and all that you drink, then it really isn't a gift - it's you bringing your own booze just for yourself. I hate that.

[Quote]I have brought wine to my good friends house and we didn't drink it, so I took it home.

No r33. This is not normal, it's trashy and cheap as hell.

If you bring a bottle of wine to someone's house it is a gift, and you absolutely do not take it back with you just because the host didn't open it that night.

Leftovers I can get, but on this there is no wiggle room.

It's good manners to bring a bottle of wine to a dinner as a thank you.

It is appalling manners to expect the host to serve that wine with the meal if it is a formal dinner.

My practice is that when you bring food or drink as a host gift, wine, alcohol, chocolates, cakes or pies, flowers, etc. if it's a GIFT the host does WTF he wants with it. If he decides to save it for another time, fine. If he serves it fine. A gift is something he can do what he wants to. If you are ASKED to bring a dessert or a beverage as a contribution t the gathering that's another story. But host gifts are g ifts. You never take them back. What a bunch of dolt.s Look. There's no need to be "confused." When in doubt let common courtesy be your guide. Jeez.

I once went to a dinner party and there were twelve of us, and when we got ready to leave the host asked us to take some of the wine home because he rarely drank and had too much.

r48 I somewhat agree but really any guests coming over for dinner should reach out to the host and ask if they can bring anything. If the hosts= says wine then the type can be discussed beforehand. I think it's odd to just show up with a bottle and expect it to be opened. Especially if the host already opened a bottle for their meal so now we have two bottles.

Do you people not ask the hosts if you can bring anything before barging into their meal with your personal contributions?

R44 - what you describe is a potluck if everyone is bringing dishes. That's not a dinner party.

And you are so wrong 'there really are no rules today' - THIS is the type of thinking that is our downfall. No, not everything is acceptable.

There are rules - I get so tired of Millennials just ignoring all social graces and just say - nobody does that anymore. Bullshit. You're just trying to justify your ignorance.

Your sister wasn’t wrong, IMO, but the other people have some nerve.

I once brought a marble rye to a dinner party. The hostess never bothered to put it out on the table, so after dinner, and I went in the kitchen and brought the bread home with me.

Was that wrong?

How can you possibly be "barging" into their meal if you've been invited over by the host in the first place?

Dataloungers always have trouble with rhetorical overkill.

I would fall over dead if a dinner guest asked for a take home plate. I can’t cook worth shit.

I once had a formal dinner party to celebrate a friend's birthday.

His boyfriend showed up 45 minutes into dinner, wearing tennis shorts. He was covered in sweat as he had just been playing tennis.

Some people are selfish and have no manners.

r56 What was the reason you brought the bread to the party?

The gift of a nice bottle of wine is not for drinking at the meal to which you have been invited. It is a gift for the host or hostess. There is no way for you to know what wine would go with what is being served since you usually don't know that until you arrive at the host's home. For instance, if red wine is being served it is usually decanted well before serving to allow it to breathe and to let sediments settle. Flowers or a book are also nice ideas. OP

I once brought a lovely bottle of wine to a dinner party.

For some odd reason, the host didn't serve it.

So I took a lovely objet d'art from their mantel home with me.

Different kettle of fish R52 . The host offered .

Well, we all know what Erna would do in such a s(h)ituation.

Some of you people read the OP too quickly. This was the guest’s uneaten food. If someone says, “The food is delicious, but I’m unable to finish. Would you mind if I take it with me?” I would say absolutely. It would otherwise be tossed out. Glad that you liked it.

It is completely different — and not appropriate — for a guest to have finished their plate and then to ask for food that has not been served. I may offer it, but you shouldn’t be so presumptuous as to ask.

And no, you CANNOT take back you gift of wine if it hasn’t been opened. That is beyond bizarre.

Hey Bronze dude, that is from an old Seinfeld episode.

r62 Mr. President shouldn't you be doing some actual work instead of trolling DL? Btw, the French Embassy will want those statues back on January 20th.

Send flowers as a thank-you gift the next day instead of wine the night-of.

How about this? I wanted to make a special ethnic meal (quite complicated) after I returned from living abroad for my family, which was about six people. The meal required split-second timing and I told people that so they wouldn't be late.

Without telling me, my brother invited his friend coming from 2 hours away and the friend was an hour late, meaning that the dinner was semi-ruined.

Passive aggression? I've had family members "insist" I make a very complicated soup for holiday meals. Once I did and once I was too busy with other things. They pouted. I thought they could have waited until I offered, seeing all the labor involved.

I don't invite gays over for dinner any longer whom I haven't known for years, nor do I accept invitations for dinner. Too many ways to fuck up, beginning with how much I hate bringing flowers indoors.

r66 But he never mentioned the bubbe he almost arm wrestled to get it. 🥖

r69 why did you bother to wait on serving the meal for a guest you didn't know? You really couldn't just nuke the food when he got there and let everyone else enjoy the meal? You're a very odd host. Personally, as a guest, I would be annoyed if I had to wait another hour to eat over some random person.

On that note, hosts should be prepared. Nothing worse than a dinner party at 7, not serving food until 9-9:30. These types rarely have enough appetizers to hold their guests over.

all this propriety is rooted in Eurocentric colonialism///SNARK

I was once asked to bring dessert to a dinner and I went out and bought a really nice and expensive cake. The hostess told me that it was her favorite cake, put it in the fridge, and the cake was never seen again.

She served Costco Mousse for dessert, the one that comes in the little glass jars. Some people are just different.

That bitch r74

????

What's wrong with that? Maybe they are hungry and don't have much food at home? Not everyone is doing as well as you.

The only time I've seen this was in a Lifetime movie where Kristen Bell raised her siblings after her white trash mom (played by Anne Heche!) won't do it. The main character had dinner with her wealthy boyfriend's family and asked to bring the leftovers home to her younger siblings.

I admit to not reading all the posts but why would you resent this other than you want all the leftovers for yourself? Why not take a bit for yourself and return the rest? Were you planning a second party with all the leftovers?

The DLCAS on this thread is most amusing.

If there are ample leftovers and the hosts do not have a large family then yes, it's common for the host to offer easily transportable leftovers--dessert in particular as someone mentioned upthread--to take home.

It's also common for older family members (your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles) to try and send you off with enough food to last the week.

But to defend OP, I would find it a little odd if someone I did not know well asked me to supply them with a doggy bag, though a lot would depend on how the request was made and in what context. (e..g, if I had just said "gosh, there's so much soup left, I don't know what I am going to do with it" and someone said "It was really delicious. I am happy to take some home if you think it will go to waste," that would seem like a normal response.

If, OTOH, apropos of nothing, someone said "would you mind boxing up some salmon and a slice of cake" I'd think it was a slightly odd request, but mostly be flattered that they enjoyed the meal enough to want to take it home.

I would not think "oh, they've been raised in a barn!" or be shocked and horrified as many DLCAS-afflicted DLers seem to be.

Just "okay, they're a little odd, but otherwise likeable enough" and move on from there.

I do not hold up dinner if someone is late.

I invite them for drinks at least 30 minutes before dinner will be served to give them some leeway in arriving.

After that, they are too rude to worry about and dinner is served.

"Bronze dude"

I was emptying the dishwasher the other day and i was remembering BAG sort of referring to himself as a bear and I still can't quite get over it.

For years and years I pictured Mr. Rogers whenever I saw the name.

Guests asking the host for carry home bags is definitely weird - ok only in case close family members.

And the ones taking back the wine bottles they brought in as a gift, WTF was that??

R80, oh no, some people were definitely raised in a barn. Not everybody can be wealthy and beautiful, but everybody can acquire good manners.

Some of you need to write a book "Datalounge guide of Etiquette for Millennial", they won't buy it, but some would definitely will piracy a copy.

R84 suffers from DLCAS

Usually the host offers leftovers. I don’t recall a guest ever demanding to take food home.

I have an older Jewish friend who will take ANY leftovers home from a restaurant. It’s cute.

Asking to take home leftovers from a dinner party, except for family and very close friends, is trash can behavior.

[quote] trash can behavior.

More DLCAS. This thread is like listening to the prissy great aunt in a black and white movie, the one who gets her comeuppance at the end for being mean to the heroine.

I am fervently hoping that all of you are providing hypothetical answers, that you've never actually encountered someone who ordered you to prepare them a doggy bag or demanded that you give their half-empty bottle of wine back.

Dinner guests who subtly tell you they are one of the poors...

What if it's potluck and they want to take home the leftover food they brought?

[quote] I wanted to make a special ethnic meal (quite complicated) after I returned from living abroad for my family, which was about six people. The meal required split-second timing and I told people that so they wouldn't be late.

"Do you know what happens to Veal Prince Orloff if you leave him too long in the oven? He DIES, Mary!"

r69, your bizarrely intricate meals requiring "split-second timing" makes it sound clearly as if you see having people over for dinner as a performance so they can praise you, rather than as a chance to make them feel comfortable and enjoy themselves.

R93 - it's called a special effort. Everyone else was on time except the uninvited guest.

It's not a one-pot dish - he probably had several courses, so it is understandable.

And for me, there should be 3 or 4 courses if you're having a dinner party. Otherwise, just warm up a frozen family-sized lasagna dinner and call it a day.

Dinner parties should require effort.

[quote] I brought various colored peppers from my garden and gave them to a friend in a golden bowel I had picked up in a bazaar in Cairo.

I've heard of having an iron stomach, R20, but a golden bowel?

I think R20 meant to say "peppers of color."

Oh please r94 even the lasagna meal you mentioned would likely have a salad and dessert, boom 3 courses. You know what? If you're good company, then a simple salad, lasagna, and dessert over wine and stimulating conversation can make for a wonderful dinner party.

It doesn't seem that tacky to me if the food was already on their plates, in which case I'm not eating it myself. A steak half-eaten by someone else would go in the trash.

Asking to take more food than what was originally offered at the meal, without waiting for the host to suggest it, is rude. It's never happened to me, but I can think of one former coworker who would do it.

I bring Tupperware when I go to my parents house for dinner. I will bring a plate of dessert and sometimes fix a plate if there is a ton of food leftover at a family gathering.

I have never asked nor been offered to take leftovers from a non-family event.

I hate wasting food and will always get leftovers to go from a restaurant if I am going straight home afterwards. If not, sometimes I will order two appetizers instead of an entree so I don’t end up throwing half away.

r95 Ask Manius Aquillius all about it.

R33 = grifter. No one is obligated to feed and entertain you. Clearly you do not reciprocate so you have no idea what it costs or the effort and time it takes to host a gathering.

Possibly, OP's serving sizes are too large and / or not tasty. For example, if I got served a huge steak (beef) that's full of gristle, I wouldn't be able to choke down the entire steak. But, I'd feel embarrassed to leave 90% of the steak on my plate, uneaten. At that point, I might ask for a doggy bag so I wouldn't insult the host.

OP, not trying to insult you, just trying to think of explanations for what happened.

I am a happy, generous host. That does not mean I am immune to rudeness, unreasonableness or plain bad manners.

The kind of entitlement displayed here reminds me of how hard it is to put together a table or party of interesting, enjoyable people, and how the people who are most demanding are the ones least likely to reciprocate or be generous. I try to avoid having cunts in my house, as opposed to true Frauen, who at least will be appropriate, if often too much so.

I often prepare a small gift, either of treats or other items relevant to the gathering, for guests. I'll customize them. But I have had numerous guests ask for more for family members or friends they're seeing the next day, as if I maintain an inventory. I say no, they're already made up for the guests.

I don't give one person the run of the kitchen with the Tupperware she's brought without knowing everyone else then ought to have a free hand in stripping my pantry - so I don't respond positively when people make requests, usually. It can, of course, be contextual and I am understanding if the topic is brought up with some kind of reference other than their ownership of my fare, my responsibilities as a host/their transactional purveyor, or "how dare you waste food!" "Help yourself" ought not to translate into a belief that what is on your plate belongs to you in perpetuity. It is yours for the occasion only.

If a guest has a portion-size issue, or any other issue, it is polite to leave any amount uneaten on a plate, without explanation. For a host, it is polite not to notice or take offense at anything left on a plate. It is impolite to make a reference to it. "Didn't you like the liver?" is not something a host need ask, and "I couldn't choke down both lobes of that nasty liver," is not something a guest need offer.

R102 may think she's being polite, but the claim that someone has served her something that is 90% inedible is outrageous. Or an indication that she should have taken the hint.

I always make too much food for holiday gatherings, so I beg people to take leftovers. I hand out disposable containers and let them prepare their own take away meals. It's flattering when they send me a thank you text the next day that they are enjoying my leftovers for lunch while remembering our dinner fondly.

To those who are puzzled about how a host could possibly eat party leftovers, such as ham, all by himself......do you not have freezers?

There is an enormous difference between bringing wine to a party for consumption and bringing a hostess gift that happens to be wine.

While I wouldn't do it, a lot of folks ask people to bring stuff to get togethers - essentially a potluck. For example, a group of guys getting together to play poker for the evening, everyone brings beer an munchies. While we're playing at someone's house, that person is not technically "hosting" a party. Usually, the guy tells everyone to take their beer because it's taking up space in the refrigerator.

If you brought wine as a hostess gift, you're just trashy if you expect to have it served to you, let alone taking it home with you.

I think the folks who get mad about their wine not being served are miffed because the host squirrels away the good wine they brought and then serves the guests cheap crap no one even wants to drink.

[quote]I think the folks who get mad about their wine not being served are miffed because the host squirrels away the good wine they brought and then serves the guests cheap crap no one even wants to drink

While that's true, expecting it to be served is essentially using the party as an excuse to buy yourself a gift.

It's like some guy buying a lingerie for his wife, then getting upset because she doesn't ever wear it.

If someone asked me for food I would assume they are poor and happily give it to them.

My only pet peeve is when people take silverware or serving utensils “accidentally” and never return it.

You need better friends, R108.

They could be used to eating at relatives and getting a "to go" meal fixed for them. And they probably don't cook.

It’s always an “accident.” This has been stolen accidentally.

Most any time I have entertained I have sent food home with people. I'll put together enough food so that each person will have one full meal, including dessert. But no, no one dining at my house has ever asked to take their own uneaten food home. How low class.

LIOL at someone at a home asking for a box, that is too funny.

If anyone asks me to take home leftovers from a dinner party, I would assume they are struggling and send them home with a donation of rice, beans, uncooked pasta, and a jar of pasta sauce.

I had a dinner guest who was drunk and pulled down a shelf with wine glasses, which all crashed to the floor and broke. Later they gave me a check for $200.

Back when I had people over for dinner if anyone brought wine I would put it on the counter with the others, under the cabinet with the wine glasses, next to the corkscrew. Whatever doesn’t get opened goes on the wine rack until next time. A dinner party with one type/bottle of wine and only served with the meal sounds like a crashing bore!

[quote] [R102] may think she's being polite, but the claim that someone has served her something that is 90% inedible is outrageous. Or an indication that she should have taken the hint.

I was exaggerating about a 90% uneaten steak. Good cooks with a circle of friends who are good cooks can forget ... there simply are some bland / crappy cooks out there who like to entertain. When I lived in a small town, there weren't many good cooks in the town. Potlucks did include the Costco meatballs and grape jelly sauce.

People can get mad, but several years ago, I lost maybe 20 pounds and I'd like to keep it off. If someone serves me a calorie bomb and it simply doesn't taste good, I'm not going to try to eat all of it.

If it's a calorie bomb and it tastes good, I will eat it.

If you were just going to toss what they didn't finish, then why not let them take it home?

[quote] People can get mad, but several years ago, I lost maybe 20 pounds and I'd like to keep it off. If someone serves me a calorie bomb and it simply doesn't taste good, I'm not going to try to eat all of it. If it's a calorie bomb and it tastes good, I will eat it.

As if anyone would invite a person who incorporates "calorie bomb" into her vocabulary.

The Dinner Party - This can be men and women, all men or all women. typically have pre diner cocktails- scotch, bourbon, gin blend on the rocks, 1 specialty cocktail that the host can make and white and red wine for the non hard liquor drinking. You decide how long you would like the cocktail time to be half hour to 45 min is fairly common. You want to taste the food. Move on to the dining room for a sit down dinner and appropriate wines. Back to the living room, plus give smokers a chance to go out on your patio or backyard to have a cig or cigar and the gals can powder their noses. Have desert in dining room. You really don't need any more drinks except tea or coffee, but this is the time for Brandy. Hosts or hostesses -, hire one of the neighborhood teens to help you in the kitchen and hopefully your menu used tried and true recipes, so no angst on your part. Plan on having everyone out by midnight. "We'd love to be able to stay longer but the early am golf tourney is row AM."

Is this all you have, op?

Is that from a 1950s hostessing book R120?

First off, I would be flattered as fuck. I mean, for holiday dinners, I always send tons of leftovers home with the guests, whether they ask or not, since they won't have anything for that (for instance) midnight Thanksgiving sandwich if I don't. But, if you do not normally do that, if they ask you in a way like "This is SO delicious, but I'm too full to finish it, can I please take it home with me to enjoy later or tomorrow?" that's awesome. In my case, it would not only please/flatter me, but would propel me to give them a bunch more of the leftovers. If they just assume and ask for a container or bag, fuck that.

Yeah, (122) - I tried to punch it up with the uni sex angle. I am off to an eye dr appt so don't hold your breath for anything more (west coast here).

I can’t believe I just read through the entire thread.

The original post is 100% true.

What OP does not provide is any context as to how these requests came about.

Did you say something like "I don't have room in the refrigerator for all these leftovers, I guess I'll have to throw them out" or "we're going to be out of town for the next few days, I don't know if this will keep" --the sort of thing that might prompt a guest to say "well, I'd be happy to take some so it doesn't go to waste" (especially if they thought you were hinting at them to do so.)

Or did your guests, from out of the blue say, "Yes, that last episode of 'Succession' was quite a surprise and by the way, I'll take some of the salmon and the orzo home with me, maybe some of the dessert too, if you can spare it."

Or something in between?

This thread reminds me how over the sensitive we are in this country. It is really flattering to be able to ask if it would be OK to take a doggy bag. I’ve often gone out for meals where the host offers it. They’re not looking to have the leftovers.

I was taught to always bring something with me when I went to someone’s home as a thank you. Perhaps the sister that suggested her sibling bring the ham to an event the next day was just making it easy for them to contribute

I LOVE the 1950 and 1940ss etiquette videos on YouTube. What a classy era, minus the racism, homophobia, and sexism.

Poor Betty, so many mistakes. So much anxiety.

OP here again - in both cases the parties were shit faced.

r129 obviously Bob throws a mean blue-collar fuck so all is forgiven.

If you have left half the steak on your plate uneaten, you get to take it home as the host won't want to touch something you've been eating. Although if the host wants to keep it, presumably to give the dog a treat, you don't get to argue. The host paid for the steak and gets the last word.

Other than that, the only other time you get to take the host's leftover food home is if the host states "We don't eat leftovers, anyone want the rest or should I throw it out?"

As a guest, I NEVER ask for leftovers. More often hosts insist I take some, in which case I do to be gracious.

If a guest asked to take the food that remained on their plate I'd be happy to give it to them but it's never happened. I certainly wouldn't eat it myself.

I'll offer a dessert plate for guests to take, especially as I don't want to eat much leftover dessert myself. Sometimes I'll offer then secretly resent it because I'd love to gorge on it myself.

I offer leftovers from holiday dinners to family or friends who I know will appreciate the food. Usually they're happy to have it. In recent years I've done a Faux Thanksgiving dinner for a larger group on the Sunday before official TG, dole out the left overs, then make a simple version for fewer souls on real TG day. I do love leftover turkey and fixings.

I'm not a natural born host. I do my best and guest show appreciation but the whole affair, cleaning, shopping, cooking, exhausts me.

[quote] Sometimes I'll offer then secretly resent it because I'd love to gorge on it myself.

Wow.

So if OP said the guests were both shit-faced, then the previous 134 posts have been pointless.

People say and do all sorts of stupid things when shit-faced.

Including asking for food to take home.

There are circumstances where people genuinely want guests to take food home. If you invite someone over who has trouble getting enough groceries in with prices rising the way they are, it's okay to pretend you'll just throw the food out if grandma or the starving student doesn't take it home. Or if the host really doesn't like having leftovers around. Or, as has happened in real life, a vegetarian couple cooked Thanksgiving dinner and presented a lovely roast turkey to the guests, and said "Everyone take some home, WE aren't going to eat it!" (yes, everyone told them that we'd love to try a vegetarian thanksgiving instead of turkey, and we'd bring our own favorite veg dishes).

The basic rule is, the host paid for the food and gets to decide what becomes of it.

If someone doesn't finish what's on their plate, or if I have tons of leftovers, I always just ask if they'd like to take some home. So simple, and what am I going to do with it otherwise? If someone partially ate something, I'm certainly not saving it myself. Make it easy

That's the mark of savages to ask their host to box up some food for them to take home.

The point of entertaining people in your home, inviting them for dinner, is to assemble good company, and only secondarily to provide a meal as promised - not serve as short order cook preparing everything just so the the preferences of each guest, and not to serve as waiter, boxing up the leftover bits and making foil swans.

"Can you make up a couple of boxes for us to take home?"

"No, but let me email you the recipe if you like"

As I read this thread, I can't but help but envision a bunch of you fanning yourselves with the nearest newspaper, then wiping the perspiration off your upper lip with a lacy hankie and then tucking the hankie back into the cuff of your Victorian blouse.

In summary:

If you offer to bag shit to go and the guest agrees, appropriate! If guest asks for you to bag shit to go, inappropriate.

If a guest brings a bottle of wine and it does not get consumed at dinner, and the guest takes it back, inappropriate and completely gauche.

If you are at a family member's home and you ask for leftovers, appropriate. If not, don't ask, it is classless.

Has this every actually happened to anyone?

Because at R130, OP admitted that his guests were shit-faced drunk at the time.

Seems to be the sort of thing that DLers love to denounce but never actually happens IRL

My family brings their own containers to dinner at my house.

[quote]The basic rule is, the host paid for the food and gets to decide what becomes of it.

Is that true at a restaurant? My father and bitch stepmother invited my siblings, their spouses and I to a dinner at a restaurant in a small town that was a drive for all of us, but especially me as I lived about 200 miles further out than the rest did. This was the type of southern folksy place that does have great food, but gets discovered and written about in travel magazines. All of a sudden everybody plans road trips and flocks there.

We all ordered what we wanted. As promised the food is very good and portions are generous. Drinks like iced tea and soda were available but liquor and wine was BYOB and we each brought our own. Before dessert, Sociopatra commanded that everyone pass their dinner plates with all the leftovers to HER. She proceeded to take everyone's leftover meat and put it in an insulated bag she had brought. Now my father did pay for everyone's food, but wicked stepmother had the gall to say that she wasn't taking the leftovers back home so she and my father could have them. She was taking them for their DOG!

I had a four hour drive to meet them at that place and I was kind of looking forward to having my own leftovers later that night or the next day. I was disappointed and offended as were my brothers and sister. I still think that's the tackiest, if not completely without reason, behavior I have ever seen.

Yeah, I've had people ask but only family and friends who have been offered so many times in the past that it's a given.

One of my grandmother's would be offended if we didn't ask, except for that one time when she heard my brother's girlfriend gushing about how "Elaine would love it." My grandmother asked, "is Elaine your sister, roommate?" "Naah, she's my dog"

Your stepmother is trashy R142

I have never been at a dinner party where someone asked to have food wrapped up from their plate. Maybe at Thanksgiving people go away with leftovers, because that is normal because there is so much food. But it’s gauche to ask for your plate of food to be wrapped up or boxed.

If you are at a Jewish home, odds are you eating leftovers to begin with.

Slip whatever is uneaten on their plate into a plastic zip-lock bag and then into a paper bag for them to carry out. No fuss. No muss.

What I’ve learned from Datalounge is that one should never eat with gays unless they want to be judged. Severely.

I've gone to a Hampton hostess' large Thanksgiving buffet for years .... it is understood guests are wanted to leave with a plate, you know, for "a midnight snack," But just to ask for remnents of a dinner because you are too lazy to make lunch next day, coupled with being cheap, that's a big NO NO.

I always offer people leftovers to take home with them. I live alone and don't want it staying with me.

[quote] I have never been at a dinner party where someone asked to have food wrapped up from their plate.

NOR HAS ANYONE ELSE ON THIS THREAD

Hah! I went tp dinner at Nan Kempner's and left without as much as a damn cracker.

We have this thing in our family that we always bring a cake to my parents on our birthdays so that the children can enjoy a cake with their grandparents and we can see each other. My brother always gets a very expensive cake and takes it home with him. Granted my nephews are still 5 and 10 and eat a lot, we always make fun of it.

My dad says it's OK as they aren't gonna have cake afterwards but none of my other siblings do that. I once got a cake for my bday and gave a piece to each of my nephews and nieces to bring home, but it was my doing.

What say you DL?

I could honestly see someone exclaiming, “Oh God, Muffy this prime rib is out of this world! Do let me take some home if there’s any to be had.” In a casual, fun sense. But to ask for it boxed or wrapped?? That’s just a little much....

My brother always asks for leftovers so he can bring his dog a treat. Maybe OP's friends also have a dog and thought this steak would be a great treat for him instead of throwing it in the garbage. They probably should have explained why they wanted the leftovers. If they were really planning to eat it later and they were not family - weird. I think my brother only takes his stuff from a restaurant and family, I'll have to ask him if he ever asked friends or collegues.

It is normal to get some cake to take home after a family gathering in my family. Whoever hosts has 5-6 cakes after a birthday or holiday and we all share the leftovers.

If asking for a to-go box is the worst behavior from drunken dinner guests, you're lucky.

Eh, it might be technically rude, but I'm usually flattered. For thanksgiving (Canada) I made sure to not use anything onion around the prime rib so that the bones could go to the neighbor's dog, who enjoyed a summer tomahawk bone for about 3 hours.

Also, once I was feeding a friend who had never had homemade applesauce (i think?). After a bit, I just kept offering to see how much he would eat! 5 jars later I was internally laughing at him but happy he was enjoying it.

When I first moved to France, I brought a bottle of wine to a party and was told that it was considered offensive . The host explained that it would be seen as though you considered the host’s wine inferior. The host would feel obligated to serve yours and that would be considered an imposition. It was also considered rude to offer flowers because the host would have to set them in a vase or display them, and that’s considered a distraction. Chocolates were considered ok, or you might be allowed to send flowers beforehand or after. Back in NY I always take along a gift. If it’s champagne I may say “ this is for your bath”. If it’s bourbon or whisky, I may say “this is for your desk drawer at work”. If it’s gin, I might say “this is for your nightstand”.

I’d be flattered if a guest asked to take home some of my cooking.

My siblings would probably cook a second turkey and pack up a meal for me to take home. They have done this for me saying that they’d like me to have leftovers on the next day. But we’re siblings and I’m the youngest of a large family. When I’m invited for a holiday, I like to bring something lavish to offer but will ask what they’d like. For many years I brought a cheesecake with a toffee crust that came in a wooden box from a restaurant/fromagerie called Artisanal. They loved it.

I would never attend a dinner party empty handed.

Why are Americans so obsessed with food and possessing such bad manners? No wonder so many of your people are big fatties and look up to Donald Trump.

R151, someone said a guest asked for a to go box... twice

Heres another one for you etiquette mavens...I was raised to never eat a second helping as a guest in someones home . What say you ?

This must be etiquette for gatherings of white people. When black people get together, its customary for everyone to take home a plate of food after. I always have styrofoam containers ready for guests to take what they want. Its only rude if you ask for your plate before everyone has gotten to a chance to eat. If you have a lot of left over food that means the food wasn't good.

[quote] If it’s bourbon or whisky, I may say “this is for your desk drawer at work”. If it’s gin, I might say “this is for your nightstand”.

And after you leave, the hosts turn to each other and say "Jon-Keith Sebastian really thinks we're a bunch of closet drunks, doesn't he?"

More stories about guests breaking or stealing things!

[quote] Have desert in dining room.

But where will I get enough sand?

R102 is right - particularly when it comes to steak for a dinner party. They should be mini-filets or a filet mignon at MOST, not some 8oz or 12oz. steak.

I don't want to (and can't finish) that much red meat in one sitting.

Who are you people friends with?

R162 - that's a get-together, not a semi-formal dinner party of 6 or 8.

One of my partners was black and we always had food to take home from his family and I LOVED it. The food was always so fucking good - albeit not the most healthy necessarily. But seriously awesome food that you can't buy at a restaurant or stores.

I think this a some stereotypical petty gay drama. Honestly, people care about stuff like this?? I wouldn’t give two fucks if my friends asked to bring home their leftovers. I even tell them to make a plate to take home when I’m grilling.

Won’t somebody think of the leftover mayonnaise?!

You could take it as a compliment that they liked your food so much they wanted more or look at it that they are cheap, greedy fucks. My, I'd go with the latter.

[quote] More stories about guests breaking or stealing things!

I once had a "drunk" guest collapse into a Christmas Tree. He was a friend of a friend, known as Swiss Tony, to distinguish him from the other Tonys in attendance. I guided him to the futon in a spare room, set him on his side, and placed a bucket next to the bed.

The next morning he was gone with 400$ from my wallet. My then BF refused to believe I hadn't encouraged it, given that the perpetrator was an ex.

R161 - it's rude to ask, but if a second portion is offered and everyone has had some and there is extra, then go ahead. However, just be sure you're not overstuffing yourself and don't have room for dessert. Common mistake.

And people may laugh - but I thought R120's description was spot on - except the craft cocktail. That's too much work.

And no one should have one type of red or white for dinner. I always have two choices - and if they insist on a red with chicken for example, I have a red for them.

If you'd like to put and end to the "more please, to go" dilemma, simply say "why, certainly" and toss those leftovers in a large Ziploc bag. Be sure to give them a warm smile as you hand over the bag and say "there you go!"

They won't ask again.

When hosting close friends or family, I usually offer "to go" helpings. I agree with OP, except in the case of his sister requesting the ham at Christmas. If I were serving at a formal dinner, I would be shocked if a guest made that request unprompted.

I don't enjoy leftovers. When I dine in restaurants with friends, I offer uneaten (untouched) portions to anyone who wants to take it. Very seldom refused.

Everyone in my family offers to wrap the leftovers up for the guests as they leave. If you were a college student visiting someone in my family, you got put on the gravy train so you wouldn't have to cook while you are studying. One of them left with a quarter of a honeybaked ham and the remainder of the macaroni and cheese. And I love my sister's macaroni and cheese...

I'd argue that it's different with immediate family members - siblings and parents - especially, if you (or they) are still dependent or were very recently dependent.

Also, with those people, they're more likely to offer in the first place.

I always make way too much food when people come over, so I offer to help people wrap some up and take things home with them. You have to get ahead of these things, OP.

The most outrageous thing that happened to me as a host: A very good friend brought two bottles of wine to my dinner party as a host gift.

I thanked him but didn't use the wine because it didn't go with what I was serving (but asked him if he would like some).

At the end of the evening, he went into my kitchen picked up the bottles, thanked me for dinner, and left with the wine.

And he is a well-educated person who should know better.

Nothing to do with being well educated. Some of the best educated people I know are also the rudest

I also know people who have no education to their name who have very fine manners

R179 - that was his ego - he wanted to you to use them and get compliments about the wine from other guests. Ugh. Does he think highly of himself?

And r180 is correct - education or money has nothing to do with having manners. Never has.

I've never been invited to a dinner party but I've been offered leftovers from one.

I got caught up in the dinner party circuit with a foodie ex. So much effort went into planning, shopping and preparing plus cleaning the apartment that for me the best part of hosting was the relaxing following day or two; enjoying grazing on the leftover food and booze in the clear and tidy rooms.

[quote]So much effort went into planning, shopping and preparing plus cleaning the apartment that for me the best part of hosting was the relaxing following day or two

Thats why being a dinner party queen is a deal breaker for me

R183 - that's a common post-holiday bliss as well.

Dinner parties are a LOT of work and planning. Add on the stress of whether everything turns out OK and if your guests enjoyed it.

That's why I stick to some good, but tried and true basics. But the relief and sense of accomplishment afterwards is worth it.

Entertaining takes effort, but it is worthwhile.

Americans generally are extraordinarily gauche and poorly educated in terms of ediquette. A few years in Europe helps, but you trashy Yanks have got to work on this at home. .

[quote]It was also considered rude to offer flowers because the host would have to set them in a vase or display them, and that’s considered a distraction.

And it is. I hate having to deal with flowers while I'm trying to pull a meal together. In America.

I give containers of food to guests when I host Thanksgiving.

R187 if you are trying to pull a meal together when your guest first arrives you are doing it wrong.

The work should be 90+% done before you sit at the table. You should excuse yourself 10 minutes before that to get it on the table. Anything longer is too complicated.

r189 = why I wouldn't think of having a gay over for dinner

I'm with R13, but I certainly wouldn't be offended in any way. Now that my dog is dead, I would end up probably throwing their food away. I think it's tantamount to sin to waste food; yet don't particularly like eating someone else's leftovers. They would spare me the moral burden of wasting the food if they took it home, so to ask would never bother me. If they were asking for things not already on their plate, it might bother me, depending on who they were.

R186 wants to trash Americans, but doesn't know how to spell etiquette.

PS there are plenty of trashy people in your own country - wherever you are from.

[quote] The next morning he was gone with 400$ from my wallet.

My #1 question about this is not "Why do you put the dollar sign after the number?" (although that too is strange) but rather "Why would you have $400 in your wallet?"

I know, right R193? I've had the same $20 bill since early March. Nearly everything was credit or debit card before the pandemic. Now absolutely everything is.

All this talk about dinner party etiquette is silly but in a way makes me happy because I can dream of the days when we can actually HAVE dinners again. Maybe in 2021?

This is why you can’t mingle with people who “work”. They’re just too needy!

It’s funny your sister wanted a used ham

Cheap shot R146. Rubbish that Jews serve leftovers at dinner parties. In fact it's more likely for a Jewish host to look askance if anyone hadn't had seconds, let alone not finished what was on their plate. You would be automatically offered to take it home, probably other items as well to be polite. Desserts are customarily offered as well.

I think much of the differences in approaching this matter are cultural. I can see some cultures being more uptight AND stingy, but it certainly wouldn't be Jews, Italians, Hispanics, or Blacks. We all enjoy feeding people, and will be easily offended if you don't eat what's being served.

[quote] This must be etiquette for gatherings of white people. When black people get together, its customary for everyone to take home a plate of food after. I always have styrofoam containers ready for guests to take what they want. Its only rude if you ask for your plate before everyone has gotten to a chance to eat. If you have a lot of left over food that means the food wasn't good.

If you have very little left over, in my family, that means you didn't cook enough damn food.

OP here again. Thanks for all the wonderful and thoughtful comments. I have belonged to many gourmet dining groups from all over the US. While customs differ, good manners are pretty standard. The clods I mention in the original post are a rarity. Sharing food is a lovely custom that hopefully survives COVID.

This thread is classic DL ... love it.

This is the most ghetto white trashy thing I have ever heard. Wtf? Asking for leftovers at a guest's house. Jesus take the wheel.

What if Brian Singer brings a young hopeful to a party, to share. Does Brian leave with the used goods?

R161 obviously not in Italy, Greece, India, anywhere in the Middle East etc. There it's almost an insult not to eat until you physically can't.

I was at a neighbor’s dinner party with my ex. The host reeked of liquor from the time we got in. He was planning to grill steaks. He had two crazy Dalmatians and they were manic from strangers being in the house. We entered the kitchen after drinks in the living room and the dogs had eaten the raw steaks off the kitchen counter, along with a whole stick of butter. I think he ordered Chinese food. I couldn’t wait to leave.

R204 - that's another thing. Unless they are extremely docile, keep your pets in another room or somewhere else.

They steal the show and become a major topic of conversation - ALWAYS.

I want to get to know people - not talk about their damn dog intermittingly for 3 hours.

[quote]It’s funny your sister wanted a used ham

Another programming note from black get togethers. Black people will sometimes ask if you're going to use the left over hambone. You can freeze it and use it later to season other dishes like black eyed peas and collard greens.

I took a friend out to dinner. He orderd food to go....for his roommate.

R196 - used ham? It's leftover ham. And it would be sliced and put on the buffet table for everyone at her Christmas Open House. Nobody 'used' it.

I'm sure the sister wouldn't ask if there were just a few pieces left. Those hams are MASSIVE - there must have been a considerable amount left and she thought she would help out in taking it off his hands.

And it's his family member, his sister, asking for it - not some random.

Cheapskates invariably suck.

Cheap

R207, that you paid for? No,

I'm from the Midwest, people often offer leftovers to take home. "Let me make you a plate to take home" and you get a nice plate Saran Wrapped with dinner. It's rude to say no.

That said, I've never run into anyone who ASKED for leftovers.

This sounds hilariously rude. My extended family does potluck-style get togethers where it’s tradition to divvy up leftovers, but I would absolutely die before asking a host for a doggy bag for my leftovers unprompted. I can’t even imagine just straight up asking for a to-go plate of an entirely extra portion. That is definitely an etiquette breach in any culture.

[quote] The host should offer leftovers to take home.

What?? Why? They just entertained and fed you in their own home. Why would they have any obligation to provide additional food for you to take home? There’s no logic whatsoever in your statement, just pure entitlement.

[quote]I have brought wine to my good friends house and we didn't drink it, so I took it home. They have done the same thing.

I’ve heard of people like you, R33. Thankfully I’ve never encountered your type in the wild, but I was raised right and I don’t associate with selfish, completely tacky people as a rule.

I can’t believe people show up as invited guests with wine, get offended if it isn’t consumed alongside a meal they had no hand in planning, and then steal it back when they leave.

Wine is not required to bring to a dinner party. It’s not a BYOB. A gift is nice but not required either. If you give something as a gift-and wine at a dinner party is a gift and not the required price pf entry that gets voided if unused by the end of the event-you absolutely cannot take it back without asking, and asking to take back a gift is pretty much universally looked down upon.

Why does this need explaining?

I’d just take it as a compliment that they liked the streak. I’m relieved when hosts don’t offer. I’m not always keen on hosts forcing food on me to take home especially if it’s been sitting out for hours, They offer, I politely refuse, they insist...it usually ends up in the bin later. It’s just part of the game.

What would our precious darfur orphan say?

Hanging my head in shame.

Never have I ever.

Is it frowned upon to peruse the trash can of people who have thrown out leftovers given to them by overbearing hosts?

I’m always amazed when guests take home the uneaten food or unopened wine they brought to the party. Let the host(s) decide what to do with it. Slightly off topic, I was once the guest of honor at a banquet and was presented with a beautiful floral arrangement that I was encouraged to take home and enjoy. So I did. A few weeks later, I got a call from one of the organizers asking for his vase back. Sure enough, there was a return address label stuck on the bottom of the vase.

What will happen to the children growing up during the COVID event? We won't be able to take them to a local restaurant and show them how to have table manners, nor are we having guests into our homes. I read something today that stated that courtship and meeting people will be super difficult if you can only chat on the phone and have video chats. This will affect the DL community somewhat , but will be devastating to reproduction between straights if they can't smell each others pheromones as part of the courtship/mating ritual. I may be a bit off topic, but wanted to point out how important the dining ritual is, as evidenced by a couple of posts upthread from other countries.

If your host asks you if want to take leftovers home, it's fine.

Otherwise, it's verboten. You may not ask for a container, you may not ask for a plate, you may not ask.

R221 Parents can show their videos these instructional videos as part of the COVID-19 home school curriculum.

Good Manners never go out of style. I wonder how Meghan Markle felt when she dined with the Queen!

Oh, come now, R224, we all know what happened...

She didn't understand the place settings. She didn't like the fresh and simple menus preferred by the Queen. She didn't like the dress code and most earth shattering of all, she wasn't given a VOICE. She didn't FEEL HEARD. It was a moment of personal tragedy and deeply painful for Smegs.

That very day, Smegs wrote in her OnlyFans Blog, "As God is my witness, I'll never be quiet again!" and she never was. The End.

I threw my sister's turkey out the window once.

Lol, R225. You know that's exactly what happened.

R225, she also wasn't asked if she's OKAY and wasn't offered leftovers to take home and enjoy.

BASTARDS!

After 97,000 Dangling Tendrils posts, we know our Smegs.

Is she OKAY? ASK HER!

NOW ASK HER AGAIN!

[quote] What will happen to the children growing up during the COVID event? We won't be able to take them to a local restaurant and show them how to have table manners, nor are we having guests into our homes.

You teach children table manners at home, not at a restaurant and you don’t wait until you have guests.

We weren't allowed in restaurants with my parents until after they had sufficiently civilized us at home.

When our table manners and ability to sit through dinner without being annoying or unruly had progressed to an appropriate level, we were taken out with them.

As young children, we were fed early in the kitchen and my parents ate with their guests later in the dining room.

It's a training process that conscientious parents go through with their children.

More than one person on this thread has referred to "DLCAS" and I can't figure out what it means. I hope it's not poor manners for me to inquire?

It's only one person, r232. It stands for Data Lounge Class Anxiety Syndrome (or some such strangulation).

Ah! Thank you, R233. Now that I know what the acronym stands for, I just have to understand what "class anxiety" is and why someone would bother to suffer from it.

Gawd, some of these replies are making my head spin!

Some of you people are positively rustic! One need not read DL to figure out what decent etiquette demands of being a dinner guest at someone's home, for Christ's sake.

Bring a hostess gift, something not expected to be opened and served to guests! You are not the host, not planning the menu. NO deli flowers, your host hasn't the time to root around for a vase for your shitty roses!

Eat what you're served and compliment whoever cooked it, EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT! Move it around on the plate, and act grateful- you can stop at Wendy's on your way home!

Arrive on time! They can't keep dinner in a state of suspended animation while late-comers straggle in. This isn't the Black Party.

After you notice the first guests leaving, YOU LEAVE TOO. They're not running a Bed & Breakfast. Do NOT ask for a doggy bag under ANY circumstances, even if you're still hungry and don't cook....learn!

Do not lean against the walls, put your feet on the furniture, chew with your mouth open, or lick your fingers or silverware!

Promptly send a thank you card IN THE MAIL, even if you have to buy a stamp!

Invite the hosts to your next event or dinner as soon as you can.

These are a good start and all are mandatory!

R235 Can you please tell us what acceptable gifts for a host and/or hostess are? Genuine question.

you send thank you cards after a dinner? Do you have no close friends?

R236, a basil plant or jar of marmalade.

Seriously, something along that line.

I've never had a guest ask to take home left-overs, but a good host would simply say: "I am so glad that you enjoyed it" and find a suitable container.

Always select a container which you will not miss because it will almost certainly never be returned. Everyone should have a few spare containers for new neighbors, holiday treats, etc..

Thank-you notes are not required for a dinner party unless you were the guest of honor. Emails are fine otherwise.

But the #1 Rule for a terrific host is to make people comfortable. If you're critical of a guest because they've failed to behave a certain way at dinner, you probably shouldn't host.

And always put a book of matches in the loo!

I got tired of giving dinner parties in the 1980s because of the rules set out in r235. It all turned into such gossip and bitchiness, especially over the "can't go anywhere emptyhanded" giftgiving. One woman had regifted to me something someone else in my dining room had given her, I think a bottle of wine, and it turned into the biggest deal of all time. Nothing I could do could smooth it over for some reason.

Another time, an alcoholic accused me of trying to get him drunk on purpose. The chef who'd made the stuffed lobster had used some sort of sherry or cognac, and of course, the alcoholic thought it was me trying to get him drunk.

I gave up. I either had dessert buffets or entertained people I already knew very well. NO GIFTS ALLOWED in either case.

I wonder what etiquette arbiter YMF has to say about the relationship between dinner party giftgiving and DLCAS.

"Having decent manners" isn't "rules" r240.

You sound like the type who doesn't get asked many places, or you'd have discovered these notions all by yourself.

R238 What if they hate basil or marmalade? THEN WHAT?

r241 Alright, sweetheart.

Re for host gifts if you have no ideas, go to the kitchen section of TJ Maxx — tea, coffee, gourmet jam, a set of cheese spreaders, a variety of hot sauces, fun shaped ice cube trays, coasters, some nice dish towels. Don’t spend over $15.

[quote][R235] Can you please tell us what acceptable gifts for a host and/or hostess are? Genuine question.

I was a waiter/butler in fancy homes for years. I'll tell you what people do most.

The two most popular are a small box of nice chocolates or maybe nuts, and sending an orchid is what rich people sometimes do, believe it or not. I like the more modest candy or premium nuts - not Planter's.

You can bring wine to a very casual dinner party where you know the hosts. Your boss already has a closet full of "gift wine" he will never drink. It gets opened only if they're hosting a fundraiser and don't really need better wine to be served.

"All are mandatory!" is your very last statement, r241. Sounds like rules to me.

Yes, good manners (everything I wrote) are always mandatory. I have no idea why you are making such a miserable fuss out of civility, you're really digging in, huh?

I'm reminded of the movie "Garbo Talks" where Anne Bancroft says, "When your head's in the toilet, don't blow bubbles."

When we used to host parties before Covid, there was always way too much food and people were encouraged to take whatever they wanted home. My grandmother never let anyone leave her home without a gift or something. I like that, it’s kind.

If someone brought cupcakes, add one to the bags of food you are sending people home with.

I see what you did there, r249!

People are bloody heathens. I'm not a fan of leftovers. I despise carrying left over food with me. I cannot even carry the restaurant doggie bag to the car.

I'm sorry that most of you don't have true friends you can be yourself around and just enjoy hanging out.

I'm quite shocked the DLers aren't trying to out do each other with stories of hired chefs and caterers for intimate dinner parties and leaving the leftovers for the staff.

There are things that matter in life and they aren't on this thread.

OP, it’s really tacky, but it’s not a big deal.

These are HIGHLY forgivable acts, no?

I had a friend who used to do this. She eventually moved to Colorado, however, I was just gracious whenever she did so, and I let it go immediately.

Not a big deal.

Do NOT bring kitchen towels as a hostessing gift! sheesh!

What about cheap food containers?

[quote]What about cheap food containers?

No. There are some inexpensive sets like Pyrex Simply Store which can double as meal prep.

And if the guest asks how they can get it back to you, just say that they must bring it when you next invite them. Whether or not you plan on it.

Don't send them home with a sad little paper sack or environmentally-unfriendly plastic bag. Order several Zabar's or another shop's reusable bags.

The same approach will work for welcome gifts for new neighbors (Pyrex can be reheated in a jiffy), picnic dishes (especially salads but also marinades), and that perfect lamb tagine for the newly-widowed lady in 21A.

This is not complicated.

R239 is a dinner party Nazi.

Whatever happened to simple Tupperware?

r252, no one but you is making that argument.

The OP was relating an experience with new acquaintances, and others have posted about slightly more formal or work-related gatherings. No one is stopping you from taking your shoes off at the table and bringing your own Tupperware to your friend's dinner party to cram with uneaten hors d'oeuvres, and extra slices of pie for tomorrow.

So what, you probably were going to throw away their steak. In many cultures guests always leave with a plate of food. Your complaint sounds like some snobby arriviste bullshit.

[quote]Your complaint sounds like some snobby arriviste bullshit.

Oh, the irony.

It is okay for the host to offer, but it is never okay for the guest to ask, unless you are family or close friends for whom this is tradition. When you are a guest in someone's home. you act according to their traditions and cues. You don't assume that their norms are also yours as well.

That's it. That's the consensus.

why would op making a etiquette post, if he was okay with this? Obviously, he was not okay with this.

OP, if you weren't such a selfish, greedy FAT WHORE you would have offered them the leftovers to take home, because THAT is what a host DOES.

Never come across this, but it depends on the guest. A (newly made) friend would get tupps, but a difficult guest gets an offer of a plastic bag with an apology for not having anything more suitable to hand.

What kind of people go around begging for leftovers at a dinner party ??? Ive been to many and not once did a host ever offer guests leftovers . Nor have I ever heard anyone ask for a doggie bag for their uneaten portions ! I dont understand any of this !

I have been saddled with leftovers only at family reunions by my grandmother. It sounds super rude to ask for any even at a friends' house; even ruder to impose your precious food on guests, even if they are good friends. They had to put up with your cooking all night - enough!

I have an upstairs neighbor who doesn't feel a dinner party is complete unless everyone takes away a fresh plate of food. She's desperate for people to love her. It's fucking weird. The dinners are about holding people captive so she can yammer away for several hours. I always remember an engagement at the 40-minute mark. Sometimes I just leave and don't come back without saying anything.

If it's a choice between dumping food and giving it to people to take home, I'm happy to give it to them. I would just assume the person is broke or doesn't know how to cook.

R268, why do you go if you hold her in such contempt? And why would she invite you?

R264 is the kind of trailer trash that picks the crispy skin off the turkey at her Gum-Gum's house so it's all bare meat by the time Pappy spits his chaw into the coffee can to say "grace."

She don' get no leftovers cuz she eat 'em all 'fo she goes home.

R270 that sounds more like YOUR family, or the ones that will talk to your nasty, corrosive ass.

Fuck yourself with a rusty lead pipe, you trashy cunt.

If it's a nice, older person who doesn't drive, then I'm happy to pack up an extra slice of cake, leftover turkey for turkey sandwiches, etc. Depends on the situation. If someone is expecting it or demanding it, then there's no pleasure in the situation.

You should be happy someone likes your food enough to ask to take the leftover home. Stop complaining about petty stuff.

Oh man, This cracks me up.

About 20 years ago when I was in college I had a part time job at a store.

One of the old timers had a few co workers over for dinner.

One of them was NOTORIOUSLY cheap, but a really nice person beyond that quality.

That following week one of the co workers was appalled as she shared the story of the dinner..

Each of the guests brought a dessert or a hostess gift...At the end of the evening as they all started to leave after a nice time, the cheap co worker went over and started wrapping up her pie. The hosts said to her how wonderful the pie was. So she says disappointedly, "Oh, well..then I will leave you a piece ".. She cuts a small piece, leaves it on a plate and then proceeds to wrap up her pie and LEAVE WITH IT.

All these people taking of Tupperware... you know how expensive that shit is? It would cost more than the food itself.

I usually arrive at these events with my snackpurse empty. That thing is LOADED when I leave early. It’s free food bitches!

After a dinner at her home my aunt forces food onto me to take home.

Not to worry, r277. Aunts (and other blood relations) are acceptable according to Datalounge's Doyennes of Dining Donations and Decency.

I always offer any leftover dessert for guests to take home because I don’t want leftover sweets in the house. . I never offer the leftover dinner because I’m part Scot and cheap and that’s another meal for me.

Obviously none of you have had Lou Grant as a guest.

I've never experienced this. Family gatherings where it's tradition for people to "take a plate" - sure. But, a dinner party? I've never seen it. Sounds nuts.

I think what it comes down to is this. If you are inflexible when it comes to accepting different manners to your own, don’t have dinner parties, if you do you are intentionally opening yourself up to a situation where you will destroy your friendship. I think we’re all grown up enough to realize that not everyone is raised the same, and that the concept of a standard etiquette is antiquated and inoperable. If you want to have a dinner party and not be in a rage after you must accept this as true. If you refuse to budge just don’t have them. If you’re such a nightmare that you’re going to lose a friendship because a friend of yours brought you a cheap bottle of wine, don’t allow the situation to happen. Invite them over for drinks. Go out for a drink. Meet them at a restaurant with counter service. Figure it out. But you can’t expect the universe to bend for you.

Food is love. Nourishing someone is love. Especially these days.

LOL

I can't believe this thread is still going, though given DL's Maiden Aunt Brigade, it should be no surprise.

But at R130, the OP noted that in both instances the guests in question were completely shit-faced drunk and probably had no idea what they were saying.

It was not as if a cheap-but-sober guest put in a request for a doggie bag.

I would never think of asking to take home leftovers from my plate or from anyone else's. I have been asked if I'd like to take some dessert home with me before I leave and that I'll accept with thanks.

Since COVID hit, the invites have obviously dried up. It’s a real bother because I used to take lots of food home from parties, often enough food for days. Now I have to buy it myself which sucks.

If someone served me a huge ribeye, and I was already full from appetizers and drunk, yes, I might ask to take it home if I could only eat a few bites rather than see it be thrown in the garbage. And would make a joke about it and praise my host for the meal. But if it was a carved roast beef, I would only take one small piece and if I couldn't finish that, would never ask for it (and more of the dinner) to be packed up to take home.

I haven’t read through the thread yet, but “family” often have different boundaries that friends or strangers.

My Dad grew up with a chair, handmade bury his cousin, in his bed room. He didn’t buy it and wasn’t specifically given it. But he felt like it was his. For some reason, his sister felt like it was hers. They were close for their entire 90 years but my father always wanted that damn chair back. This is not the kind of problem you’d have with strangers or friends because those boundaries are better defined.

When guests ask for takeaway food at a dinner in my house, I will only give it to them wrapped in tinfoil, not in a dish, because I know they will not get the dish back to me. If that's tacky, that's just too bad: it's far tackier to ask for the leftovers.

I always make too little food so I don’t have this issue.

If someone asks and it has already been plated, then yeah, sure. It ain’t goin in Tupperware though. I have some cheap stuff that I take to work sometimes and toss it rather than ferry it home.

If it’s still on the platter it just depends upon whether I have plans for it. If it’s something I prepared, I might be flattered and say “of course”. If it’s just a steak, then no. Fuck no.

Flip side, I don’t force it on people. If somebody is really fawning over. a dish I will offer ONCE to send them home with some. This has happened more than once. But like posters above, if it’s desert, and especially if I paid for it because I am not much of a baker. I am very open about that fact. I will offer because it is usually high end

How would you say no if a guest asks for something you're not willing to give, R291?

Just make some shit up about a friend or family member that couldn't be there or ate dog food that I was planning on saving the leftovers for.

for them, before the grammar brigade releases the hounds.

Christ. It is not that hard.

R293's reply is good. Or: "So glad you liked it! But I've got plans for the leftovers", followed by "I'd be glad to e-mail you the recipe", or "I bought it at XYZ".

Does anyone else here enjoy taking a ton of leftovers home and dumping them straight into the trash? I dunno why but it makes me feel so good. Like I’m saving others from stuffing their faces. Like I’m some sort of health guru.

I have the opposite problem of people trying to push leftovers on me because I'm single. I rarely want to take home leftovers (from a dinner party). I hate throwing away food and that's what usually happens when people are adamant that I take home food.

R297, just say no, thank you and learn how to be assertive.

There are some people who don't cook or rarely cook, so taking home leftovers is a treat, and they will have a meal or two which all they have to do is reheat. I have a neighbor who lives on the next block and he once asked if he can have some leftover to take home. Why would I mind? I know he doesn't cook, so since then I ask him and he accepts. I feel good about offering him some leftovers.

[quote] [R297], just say no, thank you and learn how to be assertive.

R298, I am more assertive now. I no longer take home leftovers unless offered and it's something I really would enjoy eating at home.

[quote] I have the opposite problem of people trying to push leftovers on me because I'm single. I rarely want to take home leftovers (from a dinner party). I hate throwing away food and that's what usually happens when people are adamant that I take home food.

I've found it's as cultural thing. My friends who are East Coasters or who are Italian-American (or Jewish-American) are always shoving leftovers at me because they seem to feel some sort of responsibility to make sure their guests keep eating after the actual meal. I will only accept leftovers if it's not in a dish i have to return to them, and I state this politely but very clearly. And then usually i throw the leftovers away when i get home.

I always send people home with food. It'll just rot in my fridge so why not let it rot on other people's fridges and I don't have to look at it three months later.

I take home food from my Grindr “dates”, most in secret without them knowing. Is this normal?

Culturally east coast Italians & Jews are raised to feel that if you are hosting you must NEVER run out of food. The classic WASP dinner party where there is a lovely meal but not even the possibility of seconds just does not compute. If you prepare six pork chops for six guests you will get talked about afterwards - not necessarily in a negative way but more for them to process their cognitive dissonance.

A situation where there are not only seconds, but another entirely unnecessary course is normal, and even after they offer everyone doggie bags there will still be plenty of leftovers in the fridge.

No, Miss Chadwick, I think you're UNDERreacting.

It's clear that many posters have only been invited to eat at a relative's home, and don't understand that being invited to a dinner party at your boss or manager's home is different. A dinner party includes a dinner, but is less about the actual meal than the social or professional aspect. Everyone should learn how to navigate both gracefully.

[quote] Culturally east coast Italians & Jews are raised to feel that if you are hosting you must NEVER run out of food. The classic WASP dinner party where there is a lovely meal but not even the possibility of seconds just does not compute.

When I was little, I ate dinner at a neighbor's house (6 people total, incl. me). There was one piece of meat (beef steak) on a plate in the middle of the table. There were also little dishes of salad (iceberg lettuce and maybe two small wedges of tomato on each dish, no dressing). I looked at the steak on the table and thought to myself: "That's enough steak, comfortably, for two people." Dividing that steak up by 6 did not compute.