The nice boyfriend with the constant subtle put downs

I most certainly have. I know better now.

⛔️ NO ENTRY!⛔️

Is that YOU, OP? - he has cute pointy ears and looks sad.

Sounds like you're dating an aspie

Early signs of manipulative tendency. You should call him out.

Run away before he eventually kills you

passive agressive asshole

Dump him. You're a human being, not a fixer upper for some asshole.

I see couple's gently sparring with each other; banter...

I thought I had that with someone, a friend, a buddy. Dear God, he was always calling me buddy. . But he was an asshole.

He has deep anger, I grew to realize.

He was gay friendly but then I grew to suspect he was deeply closeted while hiding in plain sight at the same time.

I don't think I can ever trust myself again not to be able to tell the difference before it's too late.

Its what is known as the back-handed compliment. Any man who does this is insecure and deserves a beat down and a good anal fucking before you throw your jacket over your shoulder at the door, spit in his direction and exit.

' I think you're beautiful, just like Martina Navratilova"... but I'm not a dyke. "you're still beautiful like that"

I think most Dateline mysteries start this way

I had one like this. That’s why I never do this to anyone. It’s very hurtful and mean. And it makes you feel totally insecure, even if two months prior, when you initially met, you were confident and strong.

After him, I never allowed anyone to pull this type of shit on me again, & if I sense it coming up in a relationship, I immediately confront the issue. If the issue isn’t resolved, I scram.

You cannot make others happy, nor are you supposed to. I don’t expect a partner to make me happy or even happier. That’s not what mature adults seek. Mature adults seek people to share their dreams, thoughts, and most intimate desires with, and that involves deep trust. You’re never going to trust someone you constantly pick apart and they’re definitely never going to trust you.

I may have issues, but not abusive ones.

[quote]He was gay friendly but then I grew to suspect he was deeply closeted while hiding in plain sight at the same time. I don't think I can ever trust myself again not to be able to tell the difference before it's too late.

Of course you'll know the difference. It's called maturity and experience.

OP's adjective 'nice' should clearly have my inverted commas. The BF is dispensing poison by degrees. Punch and delete.

If your boyfriend shades you like the Dowager Countess, cut and run.

a guy I knew at my gym was always making endowment jokes...implying I was small. I'm not; am huge in fact, but he had no way of knowing that so his remarks never bothered me.

I almost shot back in front of people: "Tell you what...let's measure...and the winner (pointing to myself) gets to tell the loser (pointing to him) what the punishment is..."

Asshole was giving me attention which is so easy to confuse with affection.

This will end in tears.

R13, thanks, I hope so

R16, here; actually, I did do something like that once; he was teaching a class with me and six girls; he makes an endowment crack.

The girls laugh.

I said: that's okay. I'm not insecure about my size.

Then, I added: "Actually, ladies when I meant was I'M not insecure about MY size" and shot the asshole teacher a look.

The girls laughed again, only this time louder.

Boy, that must have pissed him off.

Why did you move the little painting, OP?

I’m that person. Irish humor is a little twisted like that. “Taking the piss out” easily morphs into undermining, derogatory humor.

Some people do it because they're frightened of how much they love you.

R22, well that big little lie is something I often told myself; a friend of his said to me once: I know he really cares about you

when I was at the end of my rope...I let myself believe that lie, dragging out the inevitable end.

I remember the second or third time I met him he said sheepishly 'oh, you don't remember me.'

I'd seen that an an SVU episode; it's what evil charmers do to potential marks; if you say, 'Um yeah, duh; I remember you; why do you think I don't?' and they sense someone strong they back off; if you apologize and say, 'oh, I'm sorry, I remember you!' then they know they've got you.

I'll never be the latter again.

"He beats me because he loves me."

r24 = Hedda Nussbaum

For many gays, putdowns are their default sense of humor. It can be very irritating to deal with for extended periods of time.

[quote] For many gays, putdowns are their default sense of humor. It can be very irritating to deal with for extended periods of time.

Two of my dearest friends sort of stated their boundaries about this early on in our friendship.

I was always very snarky and bitchy and we were at dinner when one half of the couple said: Honey, you can keep the sharp knives in the drawer sometimes! And I got the message.

My ex looking at a pic of a guy with a hairy, muscular chest," "Hairy is such a turn-off."

I have a chest just like the one in the pic.

R22, so is it better to continually pick the person you love apart, or is it better to tell them that it’s a defense mechanism used, because they’re frightened of how much they love you?

I can almost guarantee you that the latter will be well received, rather than the former.

If there’s something about your partner that you don’t like, such as, your partner smokes, try encouraging them to quit, rather than giving them shit.

Betcha that the smoker will eventually quit.

I was once a nitpicker, until I realized that it was driving away people that I genuinely cared for and loved, away. If I met the person who’s perfect for ME, yet not perfect, because they’re human, I’d rather love them, and encourage them to change something that can definitely be changed, rather than nitpick, and end up missing out on something special.

That’s just me. I understand everyone is different.

Frauen please leave. Or die.

Been there/Done that! Describes my ex-partner exactly. I used to tell myself he loved me and did it because he was insecure. Insecure - yes, but also, a very passive-aggressive manipulator who will ruin your self-esteem - if you let him. I see it clearly now that I am out of it and observing how he treats his current boyfriend.

The best thing to do is to call him out on it, and to be very clear.

"When you make ambiguous personal comments like the one about my pointy ears, they come across as undermining and hurtful. You may not have realized how these kinds of comments come across, but I need you from now on to be more considerate."

"When I want your opinion, I'll BEAT it out of ya!"

--Cassandra Peterson to Edie McClurg in "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark."

The perfect response to any put-down.

R32: Yep, but if that doesn't work, time to reconsider that relationship...

You can always get a boyfriend who is too clueless or too stupid to realize he's being put down. Try one of those Log Cabin Republicans.

Marry me, r33! We can name our dog Gonk.

[quote]"Your hair is so...natural."

It means boyfriend knows his show tunes.

MAME: "I've been meaning to tell you for years. You should keep your hair natural, like mine."

VERA: "If I kept my hair natural like yours I'd be bald."

OP, you're a temporary hole til he finds something better.

for me, a masculine buddy giving me attention is akin to Oprah being presented with a tray of mac 'n cheese.

One spoonful is too much -- and the entire tray is not enough.

These are good replies. Yes it seems passive-aggressive. He's not a bitchy guy, he's outwardly affectionate and friendly but he does this shit all the time. Recently when we were in bed he made a comment about my toes. They're not the kind he likes. It sounds stupid when I write it. Anyway, it was at his apartment, I got up and went home. I can't confront him about this stuff very well because he's resistant to being criticized. You guys are right this isn't going to last.

[quote]It means boyfriend knows his show tunes. MAME: "I've been meaning to tell you for years. You should keep your hair natural, like mine." VERA: "If I kept my hair natural like yours I'd be bald."

Haha! Well the way he seemed to mean it was -- I have kind of sloppy hair but I always get compliments on it. He has a short fade haircut. In other words mine isn't styled and his is. But if mine was styled he'd find something else to comment on (oh yeah - my ears)

OP - no more debates. Leave him.

Call someone who cares.

People like this tear you down to build themselves up. I’ve learned this the hard way and now I don’t tolerate it. God knows what’s wrong with them or why, but it’s not my job to try to fix them. They can pay a therapist for that, if they want to.

Insult him back

I have stopped trying to figure out *why* someone says mean things. I'm not going to make excuses for someone who doesn't even apologize.

It's subtle manipulation, to keep you *just* off balance enough to doubt yourself, which he reasons will make you less likely to leave him.

He'll graduate to gaslighting soon

It's also known as negging. A lot of guys do this to women too and it's a huge red flag to run for the hills. They want you to doubt yourself and feel insecure while claiming they're just kidding or trying to help you. Dump that asshole asap, it won't get any better only much worse.

Drop kick that bitch.

They say be vulnerable.

Show an open heart.

No. Do [bold] NOT [/bold] do that with someone like OP is describing or like the asshole who called me buddy and never meant it.

Just run. Run.

OP, DTMFA! Move on, this guy is not worth your time. Good for you that you got up and left. What a jackass. These people are emotional vampires that enjoy making others feel upset or uncomfortable. The nice guy façade is just a mask they use to lure in victims. I fell for it once too, but never again.

Classic narc behavior.

Must the relationship between Harry and Meg be brought into every thread!

One of the most satisfying things I have ever done is to go "no contact" with my sister. I spent a lifetime listening to her problems and tolerating her bad behavior. I cannot believe how nice it is not to get her phone calls.

I have a friend who is actually a frenemy. She has said a few times now, "I would have invited you, but I forgot all about you." Why would you say something like that unless you wanted to belittle someone?

I have a wizened old lady neighbor who does this shit to me. I just laugh. You have no power here!

Typical Virgo behavior.

Sometimes its possible to call the person out on this sort of bullshit. Point it out and ask them to stop. That you won't accept it. Some people can be casually mean and rude like that but may not be lost causes if the reveal comes from someone they value. It's worth a shot. But if there's no improvement - yeah - move away.

R48 is correct. Break up with him because it will only escalate.

Source: I used to have a lot of women friends.

R55, go to therapy. That person you mentioned is not your friend and you should not be thinking - AT ALL - that she is your friend. Let her go. And the farther she drifts away, the better for you.

One thing neggers love to do is take positive attributes that pretend the other person has and insist they don't have them. In college, a nationally ranked track and field athlete I was a friends with had a boyfriend who made constant jabs about her weight, even though she was quite thin and told me that she was in recovery from an eating disorder. Another woman I knew, who was shockingly youthful looking (she was in her late-20s, but she really could've passed for a high schooler, much to the envy of the "I'm 50, but look 25" DLers), and she dated an older man who would tell her things like "women should date much older men because women age worse and that way they look the same age." She looked like his daughter.

“I like that your teeth aren’t perfect.” “This lighting takes 10 years off.” “You aren’t very animated.” “You walk slowly...it’s almost feminine.” Speaking to a stylist when I went to get a haircut: “Butch him up a little, won’t you?”

He would also “correct” statements I made, even if I knew the information was accurate.

In hindsight, I believe he is a narcissist and this was part of the devaluation phase of our relationship. He was very charming and singing my praises to start, of course.

R62, another thing they do is praise you in public and do the negging in private. “But he obviously adores you!” everyone says.

Or, as my most recent ex told me, "At least you know how to throw a great fuck. I'll give you that."

Oh, and Deplorable types will use having an education against others.

Has anyone ever tried just insulting them back? That's what I would have done.

R65, sorry/not sorry but not all degrees are the same and someone using their education to lord over someone else who may not have had the same opportunity is an asshole. You can be intelligent and wise, and not have pursued a college degree for a variety of reasons. I knew a number of people in undergrad who were dumb as fuck but still graduated.

And someone with a Master's or PhD in a gender studies, language, or psychology subject is NOT the same as having the same degrees in physics, electrical engineering, or computer science. The latter are far more rigorous even at the undergrad level.

R40 What do you mean "resistant"? What does he do when you criticize him? What would he do if you made a snide remark about his toes/hair/handwriting?

[quote]"At least you know how to throw a great fuck. I'll give you that."

As grudging compliments go, that's not too shabby. In fact, relating it seems not unlike a humblebrag!

R16 and r19 strange, because especially your second post im combination with your first one reads like insecurity about endowment.

Insecure people with chips on their shoulders who take it out on those closest to them are always... "difficult“

And if those insecure people meet other insecure people like OP and others here, that won’t go down well.

People with these tendencies need a partner who can take it with confidence and humor..

If your confidence was "strong“ but one comment about your ears destroys that.. how strong was your confidence? Don’t make it dependent on outsiders "opinions“.

Perhaps it reads that way to you, R68, because of some insecurity of your own.

OP started a thread about compliments that really aren't compliments at all. Only once did I find myself involved with someone who did that. Of course, he didn't do it... at first. Only as he became more confident in the relationship could he relax his guard on his shitty behavior. I shared the most colorful example of his bullshit.

[quote] Insult him back

Terrible advice. that will only escalate things.

I have a cousin who was in a relationship like this: his partner was always tearing him down. He started to pay it back, and the two of them became the most toxic couple imaginable. My cousin then started doing it with other people whenever he felt insecure around them, and drove people away. Now they've broken up and my cousin has been in therapy to unlearn the terrible behavior he learned from the other guy.

[quote]He started to pay it back, and the two of them became the most toxic couple imaginable.

It's as though Albee wrote 'Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf' in vain. An early-in-relationship shared screening might shortcut years of misery.

[quote]And if those insecure people meet other insecure people like OP and others here, that won’t go down well. People with these tendencies need a partner who can take it with confidence and humor.. If your confidence was "strong“ but one comment about your ears destroys that.. how strong was your confidence? Don’t make it dependent on outsiders "opinions“.

lol It's not one comment, it's all the comments. I did start out joking when I heard this stuff. I mean I'd think, is he serious? I'd give it back sometimes but more often just be easygoing, like, yeah, ok, whatever. It probably made him ramp it up. I guess it's hard to explain. It's probably that he needs to be controlling. He's just subtle about it like I said.

.

You have to call them out on it. If you don't want to go into tedious lecture mode, you can say something like

"Doesn't that make me feel good!"

"Why thank you! That's the cherry on the cake of my day!"

"You really take my breath away with these compliments!"

R73 You have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you!

R76 You're right, though I'm making it sound more obvious than it is sometimes. Or it might be when I'm in happy mood and let it roll off me then later I go, "Hey, wtf was that" It's only lately that I have started taking offense - I mean at first, a few comments don't mean much.

[quote] [R40] What do you mean "resistant"? What does he do when you criticize him? What would he do if you made a snide remark about his toes/hair/handwriting?

I don't usually do that with people, it's not what I'd do unless they attack first. I meant he's resistant to talking about anything he does that I don't like. A wall goes up. Some people can do that. After you try it a few times, it's frustrating.

This is wild, just talking about this here and reading comments I'm beginning to realize how fucked up he is.

--OP

R66 I don't mean cutting down someone who lords their degrees over others, I was talking about those who put down others for being educated.

Most American parents are like this, especially the rich ones. It's called double bind communication and it will eventually drive the other party clinically insane or even paranoid schizophrenic. Stay away from those double bind cunts if you don't want to go bonkers.

[quote] I have a friend who is actually a frenemy. She has said a few times now, "I would have invited you, but I forgot all about you." Why would you say something like that unless you wanted to belittle someone?

R55, I would phase that "frenemy" out of my life. Who needs that? Nobody.

Classic Abusive Behavior. Gurl you in danger.

OP, if you don't want a boyfriend who passive-aggressively puts you down (and it sounds as though you don't), then dump him. Because he won't change; this is how it's always going to be.

A lot of great comments here.

The put-down is sometimes a way of signaling he's looking for something better while using you. The subconscious rationale is: "Well, at least I told him in code that he's not my type."

Actually, if this only happens occasionally (not the case with OP, obviously) and you can confront it, I've known of situations that turn around. The person giving the put-downs has to be invested in the relationship or it doesn't work.

The other kind of put-down comes from plain old buried anger. These people are wounded and can't have a good relationship with anyone. They need to heal their wounds and accept their need for intimacy.

As someone who has done this type of thing and have issues with relationships b/c I'm basically fucked up, I think it comes from insecurities. The slight digs tend to increase over time to more overt digs. Then those will often tend to spread to your friends and family. These can only go as far as you allow them. I have found that partners that won't tolerate and are very firm about that end up making me respect them more. Again, I'm fucked up, but I think part of me also thinks less of a person who will take that shit. I'm working hard with a good shrink to heal some of those old wounds that contribute to this old behavior, but it's hard. It often comes from narcissistic parents who would make these slight, but constant off handed critiques of their children.

I think their is a control element. If you keep knocking someone and they let you, you can remold them into what you want and to behave how you want. It's abusive, even if it's not physical.

One problem is trying to dial back behavior that you've put up with for a long, long time. I have a good friend who can be disrespectful. At this point, I think we would have a friendship breakup if I began asserting new friendship rules. He's one of those super old friends. Someone who, if I met today, we'd not develop a new friendship.

The longest relationships I have had are the ones that have set clear boundaries, are very self assured/confident, and also try to help me to be better. One boyfriend who was a lawyer would say things like, "lets try not to say the first thing that comes into your mind and give it 24 hours if you are feeling illogically upset with me." If you are confident in who you are, you would probably help your partner if they have other redeeming qualities or you would ditch them quickly. The more I respect the partner, the better my behavior.

Using brutal honesty as a weapon is another tool in the subtle put downs tool kit.. "I'm just being honest, I'm telling you want I think, etc"

OP here. Another thing I notice lately that I thought was nothing at first, or cute - he is always telling me stories where he is the hero. He just happened to fall into a great job, or had some opportunity handed to him. Like life smiles on him. The last time he started on this I was like, I can't listen to this again. You cannot always be lucky. It's bullshit. We had a small argument about it and he got depressed. But I don't know what it's about. I mean it's not the truth but he thinks it is.

OP, imagine what would happen if you said, "Piss off with your passive aggressive cunty comments, you sad twat." A friend of mine involved in a situation very similar to yours did more or less the same thing to his boyfriend. And he never heard from him again. Something to think on...

OP, your boyfriend is a narcissist. Dump him immediately.

You don't want to play games either. Mine wasn't a bf, but 'merely' a buddy (not even that really)

The banter between us got pretty strong; I thought it was a game. Like, seriously. I thought it was just banter.

Then one day, he got real ugly out of the blue, it seemed.

All of a sudden it wasn't a game; it was just a big colossal waste of my time.

OP, get out. Just go.

[quote] OP here. Another thing I notice lately that I thought was nothing at first, or cute - he is always telling me stories where he is the hero. He just happened to fall into a great job, or had some opportunity handed to him. Like life smiles on him. The last time he started on this I was like, I can't listen to this again. You cannot always be lucky. It's bullshit. We had a small argument about it and he got depressed. But I don't know what it's about. I mean it's not the truth but he thinks it is.

OP, sounds like this guy is not happy with himself. Sounds like a waste of time and you don't want to be absorbing all that negative crap.

A lot of fucked up people who are abusive to their partners actually end up looking down on those who "take" their abuse.

Ah yes this is what I mean exactly, R86

R91, you are correct in theory, but in practice OP is probably bonded with this guy and who wants to let go of a relationship that is in other ways "good"? It's fucking painful.

Also, the guy may continue to try everything to pull you in because he hasn't found many people who will tolerate him. But dump him decisively and watch how quickly he'll replace you.

Break it off with the guy. Life is too short to be around that kind of energy for any length of time. It'll chip away at you little by little. Find someone who wants to lift you up. In the meantime, ask yourself if being single a bit longer would be better for you.

it'll happen when it does; I started down a dark hole and it was probably five years before I got out fully.

there were breaks in between; my latest asshole was mean to a friend who committed suicide.

No, he didn't cause it; but it's one more reason to never talk to him again.

If I do, I'll say: God took the wrong one.

I had a frenemy like this whom I thought I had a "very special relationship" with (platonic). He moved to Chicago and one day when I was visiting him I overheard him saying some of the same charming things he used to say to me to another guy that he thought was "cool" and wanted to be friends with. It was like he was "two timing" me or had found a new victim. I told my therapist about the way he talked to this other guy, and she chuckled and said, "Ohhh, so THAT'S how he reels 'em in!". I realized that this idiot had been playing me the whole time. I dumped him and the longer I stayed away, the better I felt about myself.

Put your foot up his ass, punch him in his throat and scream Don't you ever disrespect me again!"

No but seriously OP, leave, run as fast as you can away from this toxic jerk.

Even if you have to leave a lot of your belongings, they are replaceable. Your peace of mind and sanity are not.

OP, your boyfriend is a narcissist and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. Forget all the little tips and techniques offered here for dealing with him and his abusive behavior. Because you don't have to deal with him and his abusive behavior.

You are not married to him. You are not deeply entwined financially with him. You do not have children with him. Your career is not bundled up with his. You don't have to make this work a while longer. You can simply thank him for his time and tell him 'Adios!'

By the end of the week, he will be trolling for another easy mark who will pay attention to him. That's what narcissists do. They must have an audience to pay attention to them.

And you sound like a good guy. Lots of guys would be GRATEFUL to have you in their lives.

[quote] By the end of the week, he will be trolling for another easy mark who will pay attention to him.

By the end of the week, BF will be crying, apologizing, and acting like how OP always wanted BF to act. Don't be fooled! He will revert to his same behavior. Leave him alone.

After BF realizes OP is not coming back, then BF will start trolling for another.

Fascinating thread. I’ve had a little bit of PTSD reading it - woke up this morning thinking about my own version of OP’s asshole, whom I’ve largely blotted out. At first the recollections were painful, but once again I’m relieved I got out when I did. Wish it had been sooner, but live and learn. So, OP - run! Now! Do not look back!

R88

Insightful. If the friendship is deep, and both people are into personal growth (sorry, I know that sounds nerdy) then you can call your friend on it.

It's still hard. But I have done it. And those friendships are some of the richest.

OP, you’re not describing some rare and unique “type,” you’re describing a garden variety asshole. How sad for you that you can’t even see that.

R107, the friendship is not that deep anymore. In retrospect, I realized that we already had one rift, due to friend's habitual lateness. I had driven quite a distance to meet friend for lunch. I was studying for exams, so I was stressed and did not have time to waste. I was waiting at the restaurant and ended up leaving the restaurant before my friend showed up. Friend did call, months later. Didn't directly apologize, but was never late again.

At this point, I'm anticipating that we will slowly drift apart because both our lives are so different now.

Pull in your claws, R108. If a person has not experienced this sort of shit before, it takes time to understand it for what it is. And has been stated above, abusive guys like OP's boyfriend behave well during the early stages of the relationship. They know to wait until their partner is deeply involved.

If OP comes back five more times with the same sob story, then unsheath your claws and have at him.

R69, I can see where you'd interpret that; I am not insecure about it; I know I'm lucky to have a nice dick, and I'd miss it if I didnt have it, but I care far more about pecs, arms than I do a dick; that's just me.

I suppose he didn't know I am endowed so as far as he was concerned he was hurting me.

the scariest part is while all the girls are laughing and I fire my zingers back I know deep down this guy is bad news and I hung around anyway.

Next time, if there is one, the plan is not to do that. But it hits me like a drug; like booze to Gary Ewing;

Or Gary Ewing to Val Ewing.

OP is this guy incredibly cute and charismatic and you're in his thrall because you're lonely? I can't think of any other reason you'd put up with his nastiness. Yes I've done it.

R91 I just got out of a relationship just like the one you described. He was always bragging about his talents, and his past job successes, his popularity "everyone loves me," and all of his "accomplishments." Oh and he was a seeming spiritual seeker and guru of quantum metaphysics. Knew everything about everything and could never be wrong.

He employed Magical Thinking so it seemed like he always had irons in the fire and his fingers in all the pies. You could get sucked in to his energy, too, because he sold it so completely with his trademark swagger. He acted like he was living in a movie, and the movie was called "SUCCESS IS IMMINENT."

Yet he was a broke-ass musician who never got paid for gigs, had no car, no credit, and no savings, checking or health insurance. Could not start the day without a bong hit or three.

Also he had no relationship with his kid, no deep friendships, nothing good to say about any past romantic relationships. Terrible, strained/estranged relationship with his family. Once I would start to hold his view of himself up to the light, he would do an immediate 180 and become defensive, irate, and morbidly depressed.

These are the two faces of narcissistic personality disorder.

Having grown up watching my father put down my mother constantly ,and not subtly like most of these digs,I was determined to never allow that in my life from anyone. Friend or fuck . I was lucky I guess,I never really did. UNTIL my 1st husband of 12 years died . I was 34 and he babied and spoiled me terribly . 3 years after he died , having gone through a world class depression and losing our house ,I moved back to my hometown . I stayed with my girl cousin ,who was dating this guy and even had a baby by him till she decided to dump his ass , so I stayed on after she moved out.

Long story short,we quickly started fucking (oh god he had such a big beautiful dick and was a champ using it) and at first it was all good,then started the snippy comments . As I just wasnt my usual self,it really started to work on me. After a year or so,I woke up one day and realized that no matter how good the dick Id kill him or myself if I hung on . one weekend he was out of town and I packed my shit and went to Atlanta and restarted my life over. Unfortunately the after effects of his bullshit made me uber sensitive to that kind of crap and cost me a few relationships . I went from one extreme to the other. Then I met my last husband who was such a sweetie and hung on thru my craziness and we had a great 7 years (then he died) . At that point I was in my 40s and said "thats it for lovers" ! Get out now OP,dont waste s precious second of your life on this asshole.

[quote]Fascinating thread. I’ve had a little bit of PTSD reading it - woke up this morning thinking about my own version of OP’s asshole, whom I’ve largely blotted out.

I actually had to read this again to realize it wasn't about my asshole, but about my asshole boyfriend. lol

[quote]OP is this guy incredibly cute and charismatic and you're in his thrall because you're lonely? I can't think of any other reason you'd put up with his nastiness. Yes I've done it.

R112 He's very cute/handsome, not incredibly charismatic. Yeah I'm lonely, in a relationship sense. I have a lot of friends. Some are his friends, though he's known them since high school and I only know them more recently (long story). I probably have stayed in it because I just wanted it to work out. I ignored a lot of things.

I don't want to go into detail, he doesn't usually look at DL but he might. lol

Another one here who will cop to behaving like this. My partner of 25 years has a strong sense of self esteem and won’t put up with it. But it’s ingrained in me - all my siblings behave the same way to their spouses. I need to be put in my place regularly. I know it’s bad but it’s so instinctual I still do it. I’ve gotten better and put effort into it - but it’s a way of behaving that is deeply ingrained - unfortunately. I do have other good qualities - but this is my greatest weakness.

R117, that's incredible you can admit that and that you work on it. That's all I ask from people is that they be a little bit self-reflective and willing to look at what they are doing from their background that might be counter-productive.

And, fyi, I DO work the same way on myself.

I’m going to echo what everyone else is saying - run right now. This is how abuse starts. Slowly but surely they chip away at your self esteem little by little until you are a shell of your former self and one day you will wonder how your life came to this point and it will be very difficult to break away. I’ve seen it time and time again with people and it’s sad.

my asshole was a dick one time to a mutual friend who committed suicide; not b/c of him, I"m sure but it's one more reason to loathe him.

I mean the guy I knew who is an asshole was mean to a mutual friend...

[quote] For many gays, putdowns are their default sense of humor.

Do you know any guys who aren't gay? Because put downs are the default for pretty much any straight men. Most are raised to never show affection to other men so they resort to name calling when they actually should be complimenting.

[quote]Do you know any guys who aren't gay?

I know plenty of straight men - none of them say things like "oh you're just mad because he doesn't want to fuck you" or "girl, put a shirt on." Maybe college-age kids do it, but not the guys I know in their late30s/40s.

Dump his fucking ass! You don't need to rationalize it. If he loved you he would accept you the way you are, pointy ears and all. Fuck him and his opinions. Grow a pair of balls honey, you are gonna need them to get through life.

[quote]Grow a pair of balls honey....

R124, un-ironically acting a lot like OP's boyfriend.

OP's BF would have said, 'offhandedly': "My ex - you know, dancer with huge thighs? He also had the most amazing big balls. Like, really big! Don't know why that came into my head, it just did."

[R124] Fuck you bitch, it's an opinion board. You cunts always have to pick on somebody don't you.

What's the point of being with someone who loves you in spite of who you are instead of for what you are?

[quote]Grow a pair of balls honey, you are gonna need them to get through life.

I dated a guy before this who was ok at first, but turned out manipulative and dishonest, who I dumped. The problem was this new guy seemed like such an improvement I failed to notice a lot. But now I'm noticing more, as the cupcake phase is starting to fade.

R129 Yes that is a think. You upgrade from something truly egregious, to something merely immature and gaslighty, and you think...but the last guy was a LOT worse than this. So I mustn't complain.

the trick, for me, is finding someone who doesn't mind bantering a little bit and a little bit of playful ribbing; and not excusing it when it builds to outright abuse.

Closeted guys are the ones who take it to an ugly level; anything to deal with not being gay.

btw, op, I think 'nice' in your title should really be in quotes. "nice"

Sometimes "grow a pair of balls" helps someone to see things clearly.

Kick him in the weener and throw him out in the cold with no clothes.

This shit happens to me with some regularity. I grew up in a home with a mentally ill sibling. She could make everything go sideways in a flash. In truth, she wasn't easy, even when she was doing well. But it was so much better than when the shit was flying that it seemed okay. Sort of.

So when presented with a guy that others would deem to be 'too high maintenance,' I don't always notice. At first. It takes a while for me to see it. And then I have to back out.

I’ll allow ONE comment like that per day for every $200,000 they have in the bank.

[quote]This shit happens to me with some regularity. I grew up in a home with a mentally ill sibling. She could make everything go sideways in a flash. In truth, she wasn't easy, even when she was doing well. But it was so much better than when the shit was flying that it seemed okay. Sort of.

So when presented with a guy that others would deem to be 'too high maintenance,' I don't always notice. At first. It takes a while for me to see it. And then I have to back out.

Similar backstory.

I fucked up the quote, but yeah, similar backstory, though I have no siblings, it was one of the adults I lived with.

[quote] I’ll allow ONE comment like that per day for every $200,000 they have in the bank.

So, for $800,000, they get to denigrate you 4X per day, 7 days per week, etc.

Are you all married to perfect saints who never criticize. I agree constant put downs are a problem. But you all sound like any critique is cause for divorce. Like insecure straight men with adoring hooker-ho-goldigger wives who are paid to be constantly reassuring to the man of the house. Real relationships involve learning awareness of your unhealthy behaviors that need to change. Not talking the color of your hair or dick size - but behaviors that occur in every family that aren’t supportive to ones mental health or interpersonal relationships.

Criticizing (esp. constructive) at the right time is one thing. OP sounds like he's (or she's) at a tipping point.

Couples should be honest with each other and check each other's behavior.

When it becomes snipes, put-downs, passive-aggressive, continual, then it's time to think about whether you want to get out.

R139

I think OP is referring to someone who can't give a real compliment. Slight difference than constant put downs.

Angry people lose the ability to sincerely support and encourage others.

R141 No, they're put downs. I mean it's not "that hat sucks" it's more " I wouldn't wear it but if you like it..." "I like it" "Then you should wear it." "I will" "But you're not going to wear it when you meet my friends, are you?"

But he also can't give a real compliment. I think that's slightly different, though.

OP, you need to get more authoritative in your demeanor. This hypothetical conversation is BS. People only try that kind of shit on someone they think is meek & mild and will take it. You need to work on your self-esteem. What is your profession? Is that how people treat you at work?

I, too, have worked on my self-esteem, so not judging you.

I would've said: "Yes, I'm gonna fuckin' wear this hat in public in front of my friends. What the fuck are you getting at?"

Both of my husbands dressed rather blandly ,but they knew going in I was all about some gaudy . The louder the better . I really thought my 1st husband didnt appreciate that side of me,though he never said a word. Our very first Christmas together he hands me a box and I was all "jewelry , my favorite thing !" and I open it and inside was this screamingly gaudy green metallic bejeweled watch in the shape of a christmas tree ! I burst into laughter , then started crying. He was like "Baby,I thought youd like it?" and I responded "I do ! But your the first person who's ever encouraged me to be so flamboyant " . He said "I love that about you,why wouldnt I encourage that ?" It became our thing after that ,and every year he'd buy me some gaudy thing to wear. Now Im off topic as hell and crying to boot .

I think I'm giving the impression I'm a doormat. I'm a nice guy but I don't take shit from people. I probably have just taken it from him because I'm in love with him, for whatever reason. As I say he's outwardly very charming, he can be nice, affectionate, but he's also insecure and a nitpicker. He was a victim of sexual assault a couple years ago and I think his need to be super controlling might come from that. But still, I can't be in this position much longer.

[quote] I think I'm giving the impression I'm a doormat. I'm a nice guy but I don't take shit from people. I probably have just taken it from him because I'm in love with him, for whatever reason.

OP, do you think your BF is "in love" with you? If you treated him the way he has treated you, what would he do?

R145 Thank you. That was a beautiful story. And I really mean it. So funny and touching and sweet. You definitely attracted some good juju in that relationship.

Sorry, OP, he's just not that into you...so he authorises himself to snipe at you. Is he worth it? Is he so famous, beautiful, rich, or hot?

Just remember, every doormat has WELCOME written on it.

YEP! Easily, R138

I read this as The nice boyfriend with the constant stubble. Not so sexy in real life. Shave bitch, you're scraping my nuts.

I wasn't being subtle when I called you a coward, closet-man. I meant it, and I see you haven't changed any either.

So I confronted him, not directly on all of the insults/comments. I just asked him if for some reason he wasn't very into this relationship. It came after I played him video of a play I was in last year. He made some annoying observations about my performance, that most people liked. I knew I was good enough, so I thought, he's just being a passive aggressive asshole now.

He said he wanted to continue going out with me, but I forced the issue and asked him if he wanted to just continue in this half-assed way, leaving me not sure about how he really feels. I said I need to know where I stand. So he broke up with me. He said a lot of these comments were because he's not that attracted to me. Said he was sorry, maybe never should have been in the relationship, probably should have been friends all along. Then asked if I wanted to be friends, and asked me to do something with him we had been planning to do, next week.

I told him I thought as a friend he'd be as annoying as he was as a boyfriend, I doubted his comments would stop. So I really prefer not to be friends. But anyway I was relieved, I actually was going to break up anyway. I don't feel like I can go out with anyone new right now, with health concerns. So that's it for now.

Good for you, R153! Take a break, be on your own, enjoy life. A good thing just happened to you.

(And DO NOT take him back if he tries to apologise!!)

Try to surround yourself with some kind friends in the next few weeks, OP. Your ego has taken a hammering. Even though technically he broke up with you, know that you stood up for yourself, set some boundaries and confronted him about his unacceptable behaviour.

Thanks for the support, guys! I forgot something - I did agree to be friends with him, at first - but in a few minutes he made some other comment, and that's actually when I realized that even friendship wasn't going to work. When I told him, that was when he seemed really upset.

I think he might have been using our relationship for friendship. Probably not deliberately, but people do that - it seems like what he really wanted. Anyhow I give him credit for being honest enough to break up, though it's only because I forced things.

Run! Whatever your problems, nice people don't accompany compliments with insults.

He used you as narcissistic supply, R156. Google it, it's interesting. And I must also say that narcissists usually try to hoover you back with tears/apologies/promises and even threats. Don't give in. Don't let him suck you into discussions. Just ignore and move on. Because once they get you back - that's when the real abuse and revenge begins.

You dodged years of bullets. Be on your own for a while. Please don't take this the wrong way, but we all need to work on ourselves from time to time. This is that time for you.

Narcissistic supply. Yes, they talk to you not because they are interested in you. They do it so you will be responding to them. And that's all they want. That you should care about them. So they manipulate you into it. But they give all to little in return.

R153

This took courage. Can I say that every person I've known who dumped an abusive partner ended up with Mr. Wonderful later?

True, they had to go through a few more frogs, but people who never quit on themselves and never accept less than the best end up getting the prince.

Bravo, R153. Baby, take a bow!

Wow it hard to watch that^^given the sexual abuse its said this kid endured-- Louie B Mayor supossedly exposed himself-- but in the context of this thread, yeah absolutely! take a bow sir for having the guts to leave this toxic lump of manure behind you!

That's not the story, r163. It was said that Shirley said producer Arthur Freed exposed himself to her. I'm not sure how much this story is believed. Mayer was known for theatrics and crying and blustering but not for things like this. Shirley made one movie for MGM called "Kathleen" and it was a big flop, and her contract quietly canceled. There seemed to be bad feelings all around after that.

You know, reddit is replete with stories like this. I don't understand why people just sit back and let it continue.

Or more pointedly, I don't understand why people don't hit back.

It's one thing to be one of the "stated my boundaries" people, but when you're dealing with crappy people, why don't people simple walk away or fight fire with fire. I don't get why some people are so defenseless against manipulators.

Well, you do have underdeveloped flaps for feet

Poor peasant breeding.

Fallen arches at birth

R165, stop copying me w/starting with "you know,"

That's a Canadian thing. Not a Canarsie thing!

Parrot, monkey, copy cat

OP, you're not describing a boyfriend

You're describing a cunt