DLers who have lost a parent: how long did your acute grief last?

That is so sweet, OP! I can't answer your question because I only wish my parents were dead, but make the most of what time you have left with her. Create memories, take photos and videos, write a memoir together. These things will keep her alive in your heart.

My mother died 6 months ago. She also had Alzheimer's, so I suppose it was a blessing, but it's still very difficult. Sometimes the grief really hits me and it takes me by surprise. I don't know if it ever really gets better, but you live with it.

19 months and counting.

I cried for almost an hour 5 days ago (the 21st of September) when someone played the Earth, Wind & Fire song. Mom hated that song.

It's the little unexpected things that get you and there is no way to prepare for them other than to just know the world is full of landmines that will explode when you love for her has nowhere else to go.

My mother was my favorite parent and while she didn't have Alzheimer she was very much in mental decline and while I miss her, her passing was for the best. I am not sure how you sit back and see a parent losing their abilities to take care of themselves and not be relieved that it is over and won't continue any longer.

Everyone is going to die, if you mentally prepare yourself for that ahead of time, it makes it easier. That being said everyone is different, we all can take the time that we need.

I should amend that to address your specific question, OP.

ACUTE grief was about 6 months. In the first few weeks and months it felt like everything had shifted and I was constantly second guessing my choices. Inevitably, that made me realize that some things did need permanent realignment, which lead to lifestyle changes. So, for me the settling into adjustment is the demarcation of acute vs. continual grief.

I'm a better person than I was 19 months ago but it still hurts a lot.

r3

[quote]It's the little unexpected things that get you and there is no way to prepare for them other than to just know the world is full of landmines that will explode when you love for her has nowhere else to go.

This is expressed beautifully.

I'm sorry about your loss.

Both my parents are dead and my grieving was minimal due to bad history.

Not one nanosecond. My parents were abusive, neglectful fucks. Both long dead. However, the abuse they subjected me to will be with me until my last breath.

OP, it is certainly normal to miss her, but keep that your mother is now in a better place, home with the Lord. No longer suffering with Alzheimers, but just surrounded by peace and love.

She's still alive and somewhat communicative, r9. She told me the other day, "I talk to God a lot." I asked her, "What do you tell him?" "That's between us," she replied.

I'm an agnostic/atheist, but I hope that she finds comfort in those conversations, even as she increasingly struggles to communicate with the rest of us. I don't want her to be scared as she reaches the end.

OP, the best thing you can do is realize that we ALL go through this, it’s the circle of life. I have a MIL who hasn’t been the same since her husband died because she’s like a little girl, mad that God took her husband. Instead of being grateful for 55 years of happiness, she’s a baby about it.

So acceptance is half the battle, this is just your time to go through it. The first year is the most difficult because you have to go through all the markers that bring it back, like Christmas, Mother’s Day, your birthday, etc. But once you’re through a full year, it becomes much easier. It just takes time. Eventually you will reach a point where you focus on the gift of her being your mom — instead of the loss. Life is mostly attitude.

Thank you r11. The comment about the first year makes a lot of sense

I adored my mother. She was the most loving, accepting and enjoyable person with admirable principles she was willing to sacrifice for throughout her life. Her death followed a vey short illness and shocked us. The grief was palpable and brought on vivid dreams from which I'd wake up crying. Others just odd. I cried every day in the shower for 6 months and I didn't think I would ever be happy or whole again. I have to admit that decades later I think the never being completely happy or whole is real - no matter what other types of happiness and contentment I have found. There is something missing.

As you said, it never leaves. It just eases over time and there will be moments that hit you. I was in a store at the first Christmas season after her death and I got hit by a wave of paralyzing incredible sadness. My friend must have seen my face because she immediately said let's go. It will take a long time - many many years - before she won't be a constant in your mind. Stay busy. Talk about her with those who know/knew her. My sister's death left me with practically no one who I could talk with about my mom. That was almost like my mom's second death - a death of her memory.

My mom died when I was 13 years old. It impacted me into my early 20's. My father on the other hand I cut off contact with him for five years before he died. Didn't bother me at all.

My father died on May 5th. I was very close to him. He had been in rapid decline, so in some respects, it was a blessing for him to no longer suffer.. I still cry about it..,, cried yesterday in fact.. I will always miss him

My Mom is 99 and I still can't imagine not talking with her everyday. My Dad died at 92 and that was 8 years ago and still I babble to myself talking to him in the course of the day. Fortunately I'm so old I won't suffer for long if Mom dies before me.

OP, the only thing I can add to the excellent advice given here is to not beat up on yourself when something triggers you in public and you break down in front of strangers. After I'd been through chemo, I'd find out from a total stranger that a celebrity had died of cancer. I knew about the celebrity's condition but was unaware it had taken a turn for the worse. It probably looked like scorn when I turned away and left where I was because I was too overcome with what I term "survivor's guilt." It's something that happens, there's no way around it. And you don't owe an explanation to anybody, because having to talk about your mom's passing isn't going to help. There are exceptions to that, but there are people who are thrilled to hear the details so they can gossip to others about it.

And I think it goes without saying this is a great site for emotional support, esp. in a case like this. I wish you the best.

Here's a hug to those missing their Mom xx. You are a good son. I don't miss mine because I never had one, she was an alcoholic/rage-aholic sadistic individual. I left home the day I turned 18 and never looked back. I guess her being like that spared me grief missing her, which I don't in the least.

My mom died nine years ago.

I still miss her but it's not as sharp. That happened within the last two years.

Now is the time to let go of the juvenile narcissism of referring to yourself as an atheist/agnostic.

Thanks for weighing in with that scintillating insight, r20

My sense is most people who lose a parent with Alzheimer’s experience it differently than a regular death. You’ve lost her in part already - and it’s hard not to be grateful she is no longer suffering.

My mother died when I was 20. It was a long term illness, so I had time to prepare. I had more relief for her than sadness for myself. It was still sad of course for about 10 years or so. Now almost all my thoughts of her are positive. I think about her In some way every day, so she’ll always be with me.

R21 clearly many of you have blinders on

OP, I’ve been thinking of this too.

Define “acute”.

If your mother is in the process of dying, your grief has already started. By the time she goes, it may actually lessen. My father died when I was 12, it stayed with me for a very long time. Back then, nobody thought children and teens were capable of depression. I suffered symptoms through high school and it affected my entire life. My mother passed away about a decade ago. We had a strained but loving relationship. I miss her dearly, but again, she was suffering dementia so her death was not a shock. Neither death compared to the death of my first long time companion who died of AIDS in the 1990s. Recently I lost my sister, who was very close. One thing you have to embrace is that your whole life will involve loss and death. There's no escaping it. It is pre-programmed and part of being human. It's okay to have a funeral, a wake, and a religious ceremony to process and get over the grief. It's also okay to cry.

My father died when I was twelve. I couldn’t even cry. It was only as I became an adult that I realised the impact that his early death had on me.

My Mother died when I was fifty - I gave an honest and quite moving (so I’m told) eulogy at her funeral but was done grieving as soon as I was handed a drink at the wake. She had made my life a fucking misery.

"She whom we love and lose is no longer where they were before. They're now wherever we are."

The second the inheritance check cleared the bank, my grief suddenly disappeared.

I am not a rational person and neither were my parents, so I resurrect them as needed 23 years on for one - ten for the other.

These were codependent, sick, twisted, and petty relationships we survived.

We will see our loved again one day in heaven.

OP there's lots of wisdom and experience in this thread.

It's true. Those "small moments" really do get to you.

Mom designed and sewed summer window valances for our house windows. I watched her do it ( and still kick myself that I didn't let her teach me to sew).

They're up now but not for long. It's almost October. I'll be bringing them down, shaking them out and lovingly storing them in the clear plastic zip case she had for them. The fall/winter valances will go up.

And I'll have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes every moment while doing that.

I, too, was close to my mother. We lived together. Oh, for sure we had our conflicts, but, we had a deep bond with each other and together experienced deeply painful and devastating moments in our family and some joys, too.

I don't wish she was still alive. She was 86 at her death. She died of classic "natural causes"- strokes, pneumonia, etc. It was her time to go. But I still think of her everyday and miss her.

[quote] As you said, it never leaves. It just eases over time and there will be moments that hit you.

Agree with this. For an actual timeline, I would say the deep sadness and despair last about 3 months, but each day that goes by is slightly easier.

Speak for yourself, R32. Enough of the “we”, thanks. Mine are long dead. I won’t be seeing them again. That’s the result of them being “dead”.

It’s been a year and a half since my mother died suddenly of a heart attack. I have passing moments of keen grief, but I never went into an actual mourning period. Just moments that choke me up. I finally dreamed about her the other night, and in the dream she was pissing me off as she did in real life. It was a sign to me that I’m getting past the sadness.

It helped that we had spoken extensively and in a practical way about her wishes, and I knew she was ready to die. She was in poor health and she had lost her partner a few months prior. She said she wasn’t afraid to die, and she was ready whenever.

Honestly, I’m happy that she’s no longer suffering. She said she had had a good life, but I know she had a lot of pain, too. When I cry for her, it’s mostly about that pain and that she had to suffer it. I’m okay with her not being here because she was okay with it.

Same for my father, who died several years before she did.

Agree w/ R27, op, you have already started grieving. happened to me w/ my mom who died of cancer. when she actually died, i was already cried out.

Irish gay writer Colm Tóibín often includes his mother in his books.

His friends said that his memory /love of his mother is now shared with hundreds across the world. Which is a much better memorial than a solitary gravestone.

His stuff is very sentimental but I think he's one of the top 5 gay writers now.

It's weird at first. It's often a relief and you'll go through a period of numbness/shock to lose a parent who's been in ill health for so long, and you're initially in a daze...until the funeral. Then it hits you and you bawl your eyes out. Afterwards, you're preoccupied with retuning to normal life for a bit and too busy to focus on it...except at night, when you're trying to sleep. (Hopefully, you're tuckered out sufficiently from the effort of plowing through the aftermath.) Gradually, the good memories of your loved one at their best/prime of life take the place of the bad ones - and you begin to remember them with a smile. It will always be a bit bittersweet, but you make peace with it after a time.

Only a couple of weeks for my father, to whom I was not close, but whose death occurred unexpectedly a little over five years ago. So, your experience is likely to be different. My condolences nonetheless, OP.

The surprise is the random moments of grief that will just pop up - not often, but still...

I was close to my father. He wasn't just a father, he was also a friend - a wonderful companion on hikes in the wilderness, and the most amazing story-teller I have ever encountered. He taught me a lot about being a decent human being and a lover of nature and animals. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in late summer and died one day before his birthday in November. It had been diagnosed way too late and had spread to his bones. To make matters worse, my mother fell apart mentally when he died, and I had to deal with her when I should have been dealing with mourning my dad and grieving over his death. That was several years ago, and I still mourn his loss. Things will happen, amusing things, and I'll think "Dad would love to hear about that," and it comes down on me like a ton of bricks that he's not there any more. I think that if I'd had a chance to mourn normally, things might be different, but then again, I just don't know. I don't get over things easily.

Still going 4 years later.

OP, firstly sorry about your dear mum. I lost my dad in March. The first time I was in a shop after he died I went to pick up something he liked and started crying in the aisle. One of the supervisors came over to see if I was ok and helped me with the rest of my shopping which I think made me cry more. It is things like that which will hit you. You think you are doing ok and than bam off you go again. I don’t know when it gets properly better but I think I am beginning to manage it a little better. Sometimes by avoiding things if I am honest.

[quote]Things will happen, amusing things, and I'll think "Dad would love to hear about that," and it comes down on me like a ton of bricks that he's not there any more.

r41 I feel that way already, because my mom is slowly becoming a shell of her former self. She used to love to read, for example. I recently read a novel she would have liked and it made me very sad that she will never get to enjoy it. Things like this happen a lot.

This thread has made me realize how much I have already been grieving her loss. However, a friend of mind lost his mom in a similar way. He told me, "She was non-verbal for years before she died. I thought I was prepared for the actual death. But you can't prepare."

I got about an hour after my Father died suddenly 20 years ago in his sleep (on Christmas Day).

After that I was up to my neck in Doctors, Police, Coroners, Pathologists and Undertakers (plus my hysterical Mother) for 3 weeks until we cremated him.

I was about over it by then.

Time softens the blow, but the hole in your heart will always remain.

OP: I co-sign what many others have said: it never goes away but does get better. It can ebb and flow and is affected by many, many factors. For me, it felt like the worst nightmare from which I couldn’t awake (I was 47) and I thought I would never laugh or smile again. She was the primal force in my life, even when we didn’t talk for months (due to life, not anger), and I thought life would never feel normal again. I try to live my best life for her and I try to honor her as much as I can.

It depends. I used to work hospice. Alzheimer's patients can live a long time, up to 8 years. Usually by the time the patient died they were in a coma and hadn't even known who they were, much less who anyone else was. It can be a hard long journey for families and sometimes the family was relieved. You have already lost the person into about 5 or 6 years so I think you end up already grieving watching the person slip away. My mom died of the flu suddenly. I was 41 and it took about 2 years of hard grieving for me. The worst part was that every night I would dream that the doctors came to me and said they were able to save her and in the dream, I would be happy and then wake up and realize it was a dream and be sad all over again. But over the years I have thought about her less and less and am now 70 and rarely think of her at all.

My dad died just over two years ago. I still miss him and think about him fondly frequently, but what I'd call acute grief only lasted a few months. I think that may have to do with not having need for closure, though. The last month of his life I was in the hospital room with him every day, and staying through half the nights once he was out of the ICU. I told him I loved him every time we parted, so there are no regrets about things left unsaid or him not knowing how I felt.

Approx five years.

[quote]I try to live my best life for her and I try to honor her as much as I can.

r47 I try to remember that, because I know my mom would want me to keep experiencing the things we did together -- hiking, birdwatching, etc -- and to be happy.

My Mom passed away in January, 2018, just shy of her 96th birthday. Throughout her long and well lived life, I've never heard anyone speak an unkind word about her. This has always made me feel proud , and now that she is gone, it's a great source of comfort.

My Dad was the same way, welcomed everyone and treated you like an old friend. He passed away 26 years ago. I was fortunate to be blessed with these two as my parents. I miss them both every day.

About as long as the whackings did.

I agree with the poster who said it creeps up on you. I lost my dad about a year ago. I was all Stoic about it. But then I was listening to an NPR story where Nina was talking about her Dad's Stradivarius and I lost it.

Indulge me for a second. I was the middle speaker at the service and between my uncle the preacher and my brother who has more charisma than Bill Clinton. My open was "In performances at school, they always taught us that you want to put on a strong act at the beginning and close with a strong act at the end." It sat out there for about 10 seconds before the congregation broke into laughter. I think he would have liked it. He was very humble, but a great speaker.

Ok, flame away.

My father died in '87 and my mom died in 2011. I cannot say I grieved for myself. Mostly I grieved for those who were hurting for thier loss. As a mature adult I accepted that people die and it gave me comfort that they did the best they could raising their family and best they could with what they had. It makes me happy to think they are not in any pain

I don't get sad thinking about my parents passing, I try to honor their memories by doing the best I can for my family and this world.

OP, I lost my mom three years ago during the winter holidays. She was only 66 and she was my best friend.

I have never experienced anything like it. It was painful but it was also surreal and I honestly felt like I wasn’t fully awake or alive or something for I think at least a year. I was in a fog and there was no escape. People I know were kind enough to tell me that this is normal and no, time doesn’t really make everything better. You never get over it. It’s like a tether to reality is cut and suddenly you are floating with no support.

Like you, my mother was my closest friend. No one else is like her in my life.

The only solace I can offer is that I have actually *felt* my mother’s presence with me at times in a way that cannot be articulated. I have always heard people say this but I never thought for a moment that anyone might mean this in a way that is not sheer metaphor. I mean it in a mystical here-but-not-visible kind of way. So brace yourself for an otherworldly experience being in this world without the one who gave you life and who loves you more than anyone ever will, and stay attuned for any kind of sign or feeling of presence. That may sound nutty to you but MOST of the people I know who have lost a parent or a child have told me that they experience this and it is the greatest comfort.

I sort of got on with it by realizing that both of my parents were very young (early 30's) when their last parent's died, they were both the youngest in their families. I got 8 years longer than they did and they would've been devastated to think that I would grieve for years.

Sending you a hug OP. I’m sorry you are going through this.

I lost my mother first, 18 years ago. She was sick for 3 months and we were made aware about 2 months before she died that there was nothing that could help her. Those 2 months were the worst 2 months of my life. Knowing it was coming but not knowing when. At times I didn't think I was going to get through it, but I did. Then I got the call. She had my father take her to the ER to have fluid in her abdomen removed (they had to do that once a week as the tumor caused a build up of fluid). After they had finished the procedure she was sitting up on the table talking to the doctor and she just fell over dead. They were able to resuscitate her just enough for her to answer when the doctor asked if she wanted him to do anything more for her. She shook her head no and 5 minutes later she was gone. The day we had to go to the funeral home to approve everything they had done was the climax to my grief. Nothing prepares you for the day you walk into a room and see your mother lying in a coffin. I won't even get into the scene that ensued when I stood there by her casket trying to process that she really was dead. The funeral was the following day. I can honestly say that after the funeral it felt like a great weight had been lifted from me. I knew it was done and over and I guess my subconscious took over to forced me to realize I had to get on with life.

All I can tell you OP is that you never forget it, but the day comes that you can think about your loved one and not get upset. You don't think about the bad things anymore. You only think about the nice things. My acute grief was pretty much over the day after the funeral and I moved into a more workable form of grief which lasted about 6 months.

We all handle grief differently. My attitude has always been that my mother's death was the worst thing I would ever go through in my life so at least I knew nothing would ever be as bad and it gave me a little comfort

I've always thought that when a loved one has a very long illness you know is going to end in their death it makes it a little easier to deal with once the end arrives as it's an end to all their suffering. It didn't work that way for me, but I hope that you'll have that attitude when your mother passes. I don't wish what I went through when my mother died on anyone.

R56, I appreciate your lovely post. My mother died suddenly, at home, last year aged 68, which isn’t young, but really doesn’t seem old; and it’s still really hard to believe she isn’t here. I keep wanting to call her or send her a message, and then I remember.

But then again, like you, I do feel she IS here. More than once since she passed, I have “felt” her presence very clearly. I wouldn’t normally believe in that stuff, and would think it’s the brain just trying to protect the person experiencing it — but I can’t deny having felt her around, and also I believe that she has actually helped me a couple of times with things in life.

OP, I’m sorry. It will take quite a lot of time in my experience, and as people are saying, the loss hits you at sudden, strange moments. The world is a different place after this happens. Be kind to yourself.

Op, I’m sorry. I lost my dad, it will be 2 years this December. The hardest part is the first year. For me, my dad got sick, was admitted to the hospital, and a few days later aspirated overnight while in the hospital. So there was no closure or goodbyes. He was admitted and was doing well, we anticipated he would be released later in the week, then overnight he aspirated and was put on life support in a medically induced coma. For the next 10 days (after then being airlifted to Penn) everything deteriorated. we had to make the decision and take him off life support. I’ll never forget arriving at the hospital and hearing my sister tell the doctor “we’re just waiting for one more” - they were referring to me. I had no idea that it was happening that very morning. He gotten a lot worse overnight and he was going to die that day whether we did anything or not. So they waited for me to arrive, and we took him off life support, watching him pass. I’ll never forget that moment.

The hardest part is trying to comprehend that I’ll never see or speak to my dad again. He’s gone forever. Sometimes it’s just too much to even think about.

You’ll have moments when you’ll here a song, see someone that looks like your parent, see someone driving a car that was the same make/model/color and think - is it dad? Even if you don’t believe in the afterlife you’ll always look for signs that they are still around, hopping that somewhere they are there watching over you.

It’s just really hard op, but the day to day gets better with time.

My mom is still alive, but I wonder how things will be when she passes. I am closer to my mom than I was my father. My dad was far from perfect, but at his core, he was a good hardworking guy that provided well for his family, and he gave me the best life he could. He was my dad and I’ll always miss him.

When I was a young boy - between 9 and 12 (my age when my dad died) when I was upset or sad about something my dad would put me to bed then climb in with me and spoon me while he read my a favourite story and told me that it would be alright. And it always was, as I fell asleep long before the story ended.

He died at 33 so those stories stopped, and my mother was a typical Beth Jarrett so not equipped to do the same thing. I’d forgotten about those stories and my big gruff ex-rugby playing dad being the man to rock me to sleep. Then I read something similar in a book about ten years ago (I’m now sixty) and it all came flooding back. I was a blubbering mess, remembering all that.

So sometimes it seems to go away but surfaces at the most unexpected times.

Thanks Johnnie (my dad) - always makes me feel a little happier when I look back on those days.

OP, I’m so sorry. Just yesterday was the 20th year since my father’s passing.

The month’s immediately following were the worst. It was hard to do anything that reminded me of him (watching football was surprisingly painful) and I walked around with what felt like a lump in my throat for months. Christmas was especially hard, it was his favorite time of year. And then you have to get thorough a birthday, and reliving the time of year leading up to the one year anniversary of the death.

It’s hard, no lie, the hardest and saddest thing I’ve ever endured. Surround yourself with people who love you and who love your mother. And fuck anyone who tells you to move on and get over it.

In time, your memories will cheer you, and the sadness will lessen, but I’m not sure you ever really get over the loss of a beloved parent. I’m so sorry.

And love to everyone on this thread.

I just noticed that I screwed up in my post. I lost my mother 28 years ago, not 18.

I must admit I did get sad one day recently when I suddenly found that I could no longer remember what my mother's voice sounded like. But, I'm in my late 60s so I guess after almost 3 decades that's not all that out of the ordinary.

OP this the most loving thread I have ever seen on here. My mother died a decade ago. I think about her at least once a day. I don't grieve as much as I remember things she said. I often wish I could hear her voice again. I really can't add much more than the others on emotion. I have felt just like most of you. One thing that I did stop doing right from the start: I never said I lost my mother. Every day I am my parent's child - for better or worse. And everyday she is with me in some little way. It can catch you off guard. My mother loved Glenn Ford. In fact our last conversation was about Glenn Ford. I never got Glenn Ford. But I think of her the minute I see one of his films. Funny to watch an actor you really don't get all for your mother. All you need is love!

until Probate

Both my parents were diagnosed with terminal illnesses a few days apart. My mom passed just three months later. I had to take care of my dad for five years (he was completely bedridden). It was a rough time for me. I did learn something though: the grieving process is never the same, and it never really ends. OP, don't give yourself a timeline, or put expectations out there for yourself. You will feel the way you feel, and that will alter from day to day. There'll come a time when you think you're past it, and then something will trigger a memory and you'll feel like shit. At some point you'll feel less shitty, and the memories won't hurt, but no one can predict how long that will take -not even you. It's not about how much you loved the person, or how close you were to them. There's no right or wrong way to grieve.

You guys are the best. I now know why I keep coming here even though sometimes I hate this place. I wish I could hug all of you

My dad died on April Fool's Day 2003. He was a religious hypocrite who beat me over the head with the bible while he whored around on my mom their entire marriage. He did everything he could to make me feel apart and separate from everyone, my friends, family, schoolmates, etc. He made me feel like I was never good enough no matter the circumstance. He never once reached out to me when I finally cut him out of my life about ten years before he died. My first thought when I heard he died was that he wouldn't be cheating on my mom anymore. He also never once said that he loved me even when I said it to him.

I was somewhat close to my mom, she died in February of this year. I hadn't seen her for the five years before she died, she never reached out unless she needed money. We did say we loved each other, but a lot of the time it felt more like an acquaintance type of relationship rather than the mother/son dynamic.

I've heard grief is unexpressed love.

I didn't cry for either one.

R38. This may be semantics, but I don’t find Toibin “sentimental” in the sense of manipulative, but authentically emotional. The feelings he presents and evokes are, for me, “earned.” “The Blackwater Lightship” is a wonderful representation of Irish female familial love.

59 that is a lovely post. I reminded me of a letter that Lincoln wrote to a 12 year old girl who lost her father in the War:

Executive Mansion, Washington, December 23, 1862.

Dear Fanny It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father; and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer, and holier sort than you have known before.

Please present my kind regards to your afflicted mother.

Your sincere friend, A. Lincoln.

Miss. Fanny McCullough.[

I feel for you, OP. My Dad passed away first, from a sudden heart attack, after living with a benign form of dementia (from strokes) a couple of years--he was resigned to his situation and understood what he was going through, and during that time was the sweetest guy in the world.

My Mom died of lung cancer in her late 70s after smoking cigarettes for more than 70 years. She was fiercely independent, and was all set to beat this thing, until about the day before she died.

I was so lucky that my parents did not burden their children with the ends of their lives. All that was left for us was to grieve and get on with our lives.

My heart goes out to folks who have to deal with the difficulties of having a parent going through the ravages of the end-of-life. I sincerely hope the best for you.

r70, my deepest sympathy to you.

This thread has broken me. I'm sitting here crying for the first time in several months. I've been lucky enough to never experience a major death in my family, but I know it's coming. I'm in my early 30s and my parents are in their early 70s. I still talk to my mom at least once a week. A month is maybe the longest time I've spent not communicating with her. My sister has told me this behavior is my mom's fault, that she is infantilizing me, and I'm the one who needs to stop indulging her and become more adult-like.

But it's hitting me I will be totally gobsmacked when she's gone and maybe my sister is the one who's wrong. I've spent the majority of my life focused on ME, moving cross country, working my ass off, and drinking my way through most of it, which isn't too unusual for someone my age, but my mom has been the one constant friend this whole time. I'm not a very social person and cannot imagine life without her. At this point I'm realizing how selfish I've been, how I may never be able to pay her back or make her genuinely proud. Meanwhile my mom has back pain that seems to be getting worse every week and is high as a kite on painkillers. Every day I think about moving home, but I don't think she would want that.

The only thing that gives me some semblance of peace is knowing it has to happen this way. If I were to go first, it would be much worse.

About three years. And I was in grief therapy and doing all the "right" things. And I still miss my dad every damn day. It's been 11 years.

Keep my name out of your mouth, Della.

Cunt.

[quote]My Mother died when I was fifty - I gave an honest and quite moving (so I’m told) eulogy at her funeral but was done grieving as soon as I was handed a drink at the wake. She had made my life a fucking misery.

My mom made it quite clear that I wasn't allowed to speak at my father's funeral (despite having a close relationship with my dad). I've told her for decades that I expect to predecease her. She's a narcissist. Never mind a eulogy, my only vengeance is to die first and deny her a mourner. If I actually outlive her, I don't think I could speak at her funeral. I've spent my entire life performing the adoration she desires. I hope I can summon the self-respect to skip the sham when she's gone.

10 minutes. I have no soul.

About 10 years after my mom died, I started having dreams about her. In the dreams, she’d be doing mundane things and not talking. But, also, not sick. She died of cancer and it took forever for me to think of her and not think about cancer, too.

Anyway, the dreams were nice and comforting.

OP: my heart goes out to you. My Mother passed away three years ago. She had Alzheimer’s so was in mental decline for many years.

I used to think her inevitable death might be a bit easier, since we were losing her for many years. I can’t say it was easier, but it was expected.

Grief is unpredictable. I kept thinking to myself, how do you mourn somebody who is already dead? We lost her slowly, but as you know, there is always that familiar glint in her eye....

It helped me to keep some of her personal effects, like her datebooks, and the last purse she used . I remember her telling me when her mother died, she didn’t want to throw away her purse, so she just put it on a shelf .

So now I have her purse and my grandmothers purse as well . Strange , I’m more sentimental then my sisters. I miss that I never hugged and cried with anyone over her death. My husband had left me, so he wasn’t there. My sisters are just weird.

I send you love and light OP. I think your “acute” grief may be a little shorter because you’re processing it now,

R32 I certainly hope not. It won’t be heaven if I have to spend any time at all with my dead parents.

The biting “funny” posts that punctuate every five or six comments here really demonstrate some people’s insistence on being vile here, even when it just embarrasses them.

R83, silliness is not the enemy of seriousness and understanding. It is a tool for compare/contrast analysis i said anal.

I just don’t want any of our pure-hearted, pretty, stupid dataloungers calling into elderly parents and letting them know they’re going to DIE a horrible death eventually and they just called to say I love you.

Until the reading of the will.

Thank you everyone. I'm sitting here bawling, but it feels like I'm much less alone in this.

r81 I keep my mom's old library card in my wallet. She loved to read. I also carry a little message she wrote to me when I was going through a difficult time in my life. It reads, "My love is always with you. Mom."

My parents were both alcoholics, but functioning ones. We did have many good times and they took care of me but it was still a daily nightmare which affects me to this day. Still, I have never gotten over losing them and wishing things could have been happier. I don’t think of them so often anymore, but miss them terribly and feel so sad when I do.

Yeah, R86...

My mother prided herself on her cooking.

In an odd fit of practicality about 20 years ago I "happened" to have bought a pack of recipe cards, and I "happened" to be too busy to copy my favorite recipes onto them, so I asked her to do it.

So now, I "happen" to have about a dozen family recipes in her handwriting.

OP, it varies. I've taken comfort in what Jewish people say...may your mother's memory -- when she dies -- be a blessing to you.

I was very close to my parents. We had a good relationship. My Dad died in 1997 at 71. I have three siblings, but I lived with them at the time. My Mom and I helped each other -- just by being there -- through our grief. My Mom died almost 4 years ago at 84. I'm still grieving, but just the other day I could see how my grief was turning a corner. It's not as raw as it was at the time of her death or during the months afterwards-- hell it's not the same as it was six months ago.

Last night I watched "Brian's Son" on PBS. I cried my eyes out at the end -- not because I was thinking about the loss of my Mom, but for a man who died in 1970 at 26. That was tragic. I've come to understand that while I would love to have her around still, my Mom had a full and rich life dying in old age --- her memory has become a blessing to me.

My point is you will get through it. My advice is to keep connected to those you love -- boyfriend/spouse/lover/husband, family members, and friends...those relationships will help you navigate your grief.

And don't be afraid of therapy...that will help too.

[quote] I still talk to my mom at least once a week. A month is maybe the longest time I've spent not communicating with her. My sister has told me this behavior is my mom's fault, that she is infantilizing me.

R75, your sister is wrong. It's not the frequency of your communications it's the nature of your relationship. I had a very close relationship with my mother also speaking all the time and my sister did not and ended up jealous over it. It just so happened that my mom and I had similar personalities and liked a lot of the same things. It wasn't about loving one more than the other or favoritism or infantilizing. It was just that a parent child relationship evolved into a peasant friendship.

[quote] I keep my mom's old library card in my wallet. She loved to read. I also carry a little message she wrote to me when I was going through a difficult time in my life. It reads, "My love is always with you. Mom."

R86, what beautiful thoughts - both of them. My mother also was a voracious reader who always made sure our first stop in any move we made as a family was to the library to get our library cards. She helped me get my first job at the local library.

Both parents died 10 years ago, four weeks apart.

They were ill so long and my siblings were so corrupt and cruel that I never experienced acute grief. I experienced shock and relief, and then spent two years cleaning up the estate and cleaning up their debts. I'm at peace now.

My mother had been increasingly ill for the last ten years of her life. She was fine mentally, still got to Florida every winter until the last one, still could drive until the last year or so, and my partner and I did all the heavy lifting to keep her and two houses going: everything from hiring contractors to buying cars to getting her on and off the plane to Ft Myers. When he was alive, my Dad had done everything for her and she wasn't great at managing things herself. She'd cry when she couldn't balance her checkbook even though the last time she'd done that was during WW II.

My siblings did nothing to help. After the last six months when she was in the hospital more than she was home, when she died I thought she was at peace and in a much better place and actually felt relieved that she wasn't hooked up to machines and monitors. I was her executor and had to sell the winter place, wrap up her financial stuff, move out of and sell our place, and spent a year getting her home, the house I grew up in, renovated and ready to sell while we lived there all while listening to my siblings piss and moan that they didn't get enough $ because she had already put a lot of things in my name or in trust for me. It was a lot to do on top of a full-time job.

I missed her, sure, but the last year of her life was tougher on me than any time after she died.

My father died suddenly last year, a massive heart attack. He was only 69, and I will never get over it and still cry and miss him terribly almost every day. You never get over it, you just learn to cope. Somehow, I felt safer in the world with him in it, and now I don't. Below is a good read that explains the 5 stages of grief when losing a loved one.

Honestly, most people get over it.

Your Parents are meant to die before you. That's how it works.

Acute grief? ACUTE GRIEF?!?!

My father died at 89 from cancer. I grieved during the 2.5 years he lasted after his diagnosis, and when he actually died I simply felt numb. The hardest things are the random flashbacks even 3 years later. If I hear a joke or a story I'd like to share with him and realize I never will. When I return to my hometown and drive by our former home, make Christmas dishes that we always had, etc. The frequency diminishes, but things like this thread bring back an intense sadness and tears.

It may sound weird, but it actually helped me to be right with my mother, holding her hand when she died. I missed her acutely for months but now, 4 years later, I'm peaceful when I think about her. But given the shit show that's been going on this year, I do wish I could talk to her.

I never liked being with my dad, he had temper tantrums several times a day over petty, insignificant stuff. It was strange because he was an excellent airline pilot but a spoiled teenager in the rest of his life.

When he was 70 he died. One moment he was saying isn't this the most beautiful morning and the next instant on the ground dead.

For me it was shocking to realize this person is gone, their life is over. I felt that I grieved for him and what he would no longer experience. I remember reading a book years ago and one character, a terminally ill man leaned forward and smelled a woman's hair and said "Ah, you smell like life". That is what I grieve for, people losing their life.

It took me 2 full years almost to the day before I lost the heavy dread and tension in my shoulders after I lost my father.

I'd say a year to 18 months in my case. That said, it's coming up on 4 years now and it will still hit me sometimes. The process can be complex and I think most people feel more than just simple grief at the death of a parent. For example, it did 'simplify' my life in certain ways - no more worry about how they are, or about what to say or not to say to them. Those moments inevitably bring guilt. In my father's case, we had a more strained relationship. It took me several months to really start grieving for him, or at least to realize that I WAS grieving.

The people we love aren't/weren't perfect, and loving them doesn't mean you don't have other feelings towards them.

The best advice I could give is to remind yourself that you can't change anything now. If you have guilt or regret , accepting that might help you find some peace.

It's interesting I didn't cry much when my mom died. I had expected it she looked terrible. My fathers second wife didn't shake me either - and she looked bad toward the end. No the one where I broke down and cried at the church was my grandmother. You see after my paternal grandfather died in 1992 she became more open about her life. She and I bonded a little on that. I miss all of them of course, but my grandmother most of all.

No love is ever lost OP. Lost my mom right after my 26th birthday. It feels raw, unreal, unfair even.....After a while you realise that sometimes people have been through enough. They’ve given all. It’s up to us to honour that and to accept they need and deserve peace. We take with us everything they taught and have given us. Let there be gratitude and love OP. Much love to you.

[quote] I never liked being with my dad, he had temper tantrums several times a day over petty, insignificant stuff. It was strange because he was an excellent airline pilot but a spoiled teenager in the rest of his life.

Hmm. That sounds just like my dad. He was the most calm and commanding in any emergency situation and had weathered incredible stress in the war flying in a bomber. I felt very safe with him. But he did lose his temper all the time over stupid things and my mom would say oh he's just run out of cigarettes. Maybe having to bottle up his emotions so he could function in stressful times or maybe just in the workplace made him let it out in other venues. Too bad that it's usually the family that takes the brunt.

R98, are you my brother? I spotted some other similarities. Yikes!

OP, there is no right way to grieve. I managed my Dad’s death well. I think, because I felt I had to emotionally support my mother. She died two years later, and I took her death very hard. Not just her passing, but the passing of the way I had structured my life with my parents and siblings. It completely changed.

I’d say, it took me about three years. Not that I was a blubbering mess for three years, but the first three were hard. It is now 13 years since my Mom died, and I still miss them both, and think of them at some point, probably every day. I am mindful that the pain I have experienced at their loss is evidence of the great blessing I hadM that they were in my life at all. Not that that really helps.

I also miss my dog, Cubby, too. He died in the 1990s.

I very much loved my Grandmother and brother in law who died in 1996. I took their deaths hard at the time, but have fully resolved their passing in a way that, I am guessing, I never will for my folks and my dog.

Incidentally, while there is no right way to grieve, there are wrong ways. Too many to list, but over emoting; carrying on, as if you’re the only one who ever experienced death; maudlin behavior, etc. There are grief counselors for those who really have trouble adjusting. Plus, this is culture based, too. Some cultures accept or encourage excess. In Ancient Rome, a wealthy family would hire mourners and people would tear at their clothes and make scenes that would never be accepted today.

My Mom died while I was having my bathroom gutted and replaced, and I was showering at the gym. That was difficult, because I would have preferred to have locked myself up at home for a week, but couldn’t.

My Mom died from cancer at the age of 61 over 27 years ago and it still hurts to the core. It's gotten a lot easier, just as everyone says, but it's still painful. She was a beautiful, warm and loving person who happened to be a raging alcoholic after 5:00pm. So I had two Moms, a dichotomy of sorts: perfect and loving during the day; abusive and cruel at night. It's been very difficult to reconcile and make peace with all of this over the years but I've done well.

My 91 year old Dad is now quite ill and I'm going through the anticipatory mourning with him.

Thank you everyone for your beautiful comments, excellent advice and memories!

p.s.- This site is awesome!!

I had a tortuous relationship with my parents. My mother was a cold, narcissistic nightmare, and my father was her enabler. It led to many damaging confrontations over the years, and in the end I had to walk away to maintain my sanity and dignity. It was never going to get better. They got my siblings in on the game of torturing me with guilt and shaming me for daring to leave the situation. When my parents died I felt relief, but my siblings didn’t let go. This was disappointing as they had been subjected to similar treatment at times. However, I escaped. Maybe that was why they were so angry with me. I no longer have any contact with my family. I don’t miss them as I have no happy memories of them.

Dad died 12 years ago at age 85 -- I felt relief. He had been sick for a long time. Still waiting for my mother to go - she's only 95! (so young, so tender, so vital). Her role model is Roberta McCain.

This COVID situation is especially difficult. My twin sister lives out of state, and is a Fox-washed Trumpster, thanks to her idiot husband. That said, she talks about COVID exactly like I do, with caution and respect for its communicability and deadliness. But then I saw a video of her 60th birthday party and she was behaving with abject stupidity. She hugged relatives from out of states saying, “you socially distanced on the Ferry on the way over, right?”. One after another, about six hugs in total. Then there was a still picture of everyone gathered around the dinner table, practically on each other’s laps, having a grand old time, with no masks. So incredibly stupid. I’m so glad I skipped it, as I would have freaked out and left right then.

The video and picture sent me into a funk and I prematurely grieved for the consequences. Fortunately, that was August and it seems that no one was sickened as a result. But she completely misunderstands the entire concept of the virus, as if “nice people” can’t get it. And it tells me that despite what she says, she’s doing it all wrong and will only be spared if she’s among the lucky majority with natural immunity.

Her son, my nephew, is in his early 20s and also socializes. I can’t much blame him, because he has no life experience and is barely out of childhood. But his parents are too stupid. I figured my sister’s husband would ignore common sense and that the virus would get access to my family through him, but didn’t think my sister would be as stupid as she so obviously is.

As long as it takes to read the Will.

Dumb things I’ve heard about death:

I called my cousin to tell he my father, her, uncle, had died. She has a chronic disease and lives 2000 miles away, so I didn’t expect that she would come for the funeral, but the conversation was going so well, I thought to ask, and she said, “oh, no, not on such short notice.” (Haha, dad should have planned ahead).

My brother in law was a football coach, and I remarked to my sister that, while there were a lot of students and former students to at his wake, I was surprised that there was only one Black guy there. Ok, that’s my dumb comment, but my sister’s comment was worse. She replied, “yes, and he’s very well behaved”. Haha again, did she expect him to be stealing packets of sweet-and-low, or what? We constantly use that line to tease her.

You really have to be as gracious as you can stand to be to put up with stuff.

My niece dressed like a whore at my Dad’s funeral. I didn’t mention it to her or her dad, but she’s lucky the Church even allowed her to attend.

My nephew has a lot of problems. He lives, maybe 4 hours away and skipped his grandfather and nieces funerals. Then my sister learned that he was actually 39 minutes away during her daughter’s funeral, gambling at an Indian; casino. That stuck with her for at least a decade, if she ever let it go at all.

You only have one opportunity to die, so don’t screw it up by leaving the world a worse place by poor planning and score settling.