Things that are sexy in theory but not at all in actuality

OP there are some people who just don't hardly sweat, my ex is like that. He can go for a run and come back as dry as when he left.

Men removing all their body hair like women.

Surprise anal.

They're still hell to peel off, r1.

Hot wax dripped on you. Not fun going on, or off.

Edible underwear, blech

Madonna

Crazy, pornish sex positions. No thanks. Just lay face down, get that ass up and let daddy go to work. We don’t need all of that extra kama sutra bullshit.

Being the only bottom during bareback sex with a group of seven strange men in a dimly lit adult theater with several other people watching and jerking off as the main seven men go back and forth between my mouth and my ass while vintage gay porn plays on the screen behind us.

R9 is a whore.

Eating sushi off of a naked person.

Threesomes.

Double-armed, elbow-deep fisting

Sex on the beach with sand in your shithole

Marital sex

S&M

Role-playing or wearing stupid costumes while having sex

Sex on the kitchen table - ouch

Nipple clamps

Post-coital chitchat

That sounds like a perfectly lovely saturday night R9 !

Sex with married men

Marines - DLers seem to think they're all these hot, super burly guys but a lot of them are totally average

Someone always gets under served in a three way, or so I have heard, they don't interest me.

Sex on the beach. Sand in certain areas is not at all sexy.

Spontaneous oral with no pre-cleaning. Give me a fucking break. Just because someone is gorgeous doesn't mean they don't sweat or discharge liquids (females), or have poop in their ass.

[quote][R9] is a whore.

r9 is an extremely specific, detail-oriented whore.

Sex in the shower. Water washes away any lubricant. Extremely awkward.

Not good in a pool or hot tub either.

Emotional attachment.

R25 In a pool, yes. And that reminds me, this movie

Morning making out sessions without brushing your teeth first

What happens when you fuck underwater? You're saying it IS good?

[quote]OP there are some people who just don't hardly sweat, my ex is like that. He can go for a run and come back as dry as when he left.

R1 = Fergie

Sex in the shower. All wet and slippery. Never got why people think it's so hot.

Oops, someone had already done the shower.

Waterfucking is dry as a bone.

I bet they liked doing the scene over and over again anyway.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Shower sex, annoying at best!

Cowboys.

sixty nine

R38 beat me to it. A hot concept, to be sure, but awkward, uncomfortable and not nearly as pleasurable as regular fellatio in practice, for giver or recipient.

DP.

Rimming without showering first

There’s always one who’s the odd man out in a threesome. That’s why I don’t understand married couples who as a compromise agree to having a third join them instead of just being open. “We always play together!” Please. That’s no fun at all. The guest star third is always going to hit it off better with one of the two partners leaving the other literally holding his own dick.

Most straight guys.

Timothée Chalamet

R8 No protest from me, Daddy!

"don't hardly sweat"

Oh, dear!

The worst thing about 69 is the view.

[quote]"don't hardly sweat" Oh, dear!

"don't hardly sweat" - is common spoken English for some people.

I, for one, think he sounds cute.

Shaved pubic hair. Shaved asshole hair.

Oh wait, you said things that are sexy in theory.

Never mind.

I agree, 69 is nowhere near as fun as it seems like it should be. It’s awkward and you have to split your focus between yourself and your partner.

Sex on the beach gets my vote

So does sex while camping. If we’re really camping and not showering, we’re not having sex.

bubble bath for two

I always think bubble baths for one are nice R52, but then I end up sweating and have to take a shower and wash my hair.

How do 2 adults fit in a bathtub I never understand that

Alpha males.

Sex in a car. Too uncomfortable.

Sex with whipped cream, syrup, etc.

Leather pants?

I must be in the minority, because I love to 69.

Shower sex is the worst and never as hot as you think it's going to be. A little rub down can be hot, but actual sex in the shower never works out well.

I don't see how threesomes are fun if you're not the guest star. Inevitably, I'd usually be more into one guy than the other. I might try to give them each my attention, but rarely was it ever into both equally. I'd always end up getting texts from one of the guys saying he wanted to meet with me in private without his partner and that weirded me out.

Three ways with partners is usually bad news

Any movie where the guy/girl just rips some woman's panties off and goes to town. Like, people release all kinds of gases and gross liquids all fucking day. How is this a turn on?

Spontaneous anal leads to a peanut butter bottom

Felching

Internals, until the Santorum leaks out.

People who think they’re sexy bu talking about sex all the time. They like people to think they’re experts and sex gods but most of the time they’re just attention seeking whores who talk s good talk but fall short in real life.

Swingers.

Attention seeking whores.

Instahoes

Celebrity sex tapes.

Bonnie Franklin braless in velour low cut sweaters.

Straight men. I know that DL is obsessed with them, but most aren't that hot.

Not wearing a bra

Heterosexuals

Deep throating. A sore jaw and asphyxiation are not pleasant.

West Hollywood

Bearish guys They eat and fart a lot

I can second that - bear types are no longer sexy after they feel comfortable ripping farts in front of you. At that point you see they are just fatties.

Bears are like straight men in they think it's acceptable to fart in front of the people they're seeing.

I eat out bear men exclusively

rimming

as others said, sex on the beach. an old bud of mine made it on a beach and warned me off it, "the sand gets EVERYWHERE."

[quote] Any movie where the guy/girl just rips some woman's panties off and goes to town. Like, people release all kinds of gases and gross liquids all fucking day. How is this a turn on?

Guys who are good looking and seem intelligent but then say "like" needlessly.

Shower sex can be a challenge, but a mutual wank in the shower can be sexy.

Cardi B's WAP

Getting giardia from rimming isn’t sexy.

Harry Styles

Someone on the porn pet peeve's thread said that he can never get into sex scenes outside and I agree but don't know why.

R85 sometimes you only have one chance in life to eat that ass out

Every straight porn includes rimming now.

Break out the antibiotics.

Guys wearing flip flops like they are shoes.

All the distasteful scenarios mentioned here rarely work out when they are planned and are less likely to be pleasant as you age. I had a friend with a house on a bay off the gulf. We would have sex parties on the beach, but had decent privacy and a convenient shower that we didn't have to cover up to use. My memories are like porn superstardom, but now I think I would obsess about the sand in my crack.such is life.

My one sex on the beach scenario ended with me and my husband at the time making out heavily in waist deep water , then lowering our shorts to get busy and somehow both of us stepped out of them and they floated off . We were about to make a dash for the shore and our towels when all of a sudden a family show up on what was moments before a deserted strip of beach. We had to wait like 30 mins for them to finally amble off so we could get our towels. I swore then never again .

Bears are like the fat kid you grew up with that was always eating and ripping farts and thinking it was hilarious— just a grown up version.

very true about bears - I only get into bears online after dating a few.

It seems a lot of people are coming up with sex in the shower and on the beach. Try harder.

Male strippers you hire for a party

Lots of anti-bear’ism

Meth clouds blown up your asshole.

What is that all about?

Richard Madden and twinks.

It’s funny, I’ve had really erotic, sexy experiences in the shower, pool and beach. Not actual penetration but foreplay and oral. Also tons of hot threesomes and DP.

I agree food is never really fun.

Role play always seems dumb to me but I’d like to try.

A hot Asian dude - they seem to only exist online.

A lot of these things WERE sexy when all of us were in our teens and twenties. I fucked tons of asses spontaneously - hooking up in the wee hours of the morning with some fucking hot guy that I met at a club or party and never thought twice about it. Of course this was pre-PREP and "lubricated condoms" were used (often the ones that were given out for free). I don't remember many chili dogs or peanut butter bottoms - but perhaps I just didn't care. The guys were so hot and I was so horny - we were all so young, ripped and hot. (I also think that younger guys just seem to stay "cleaner" for whatever reason, but that's a different thread.) I rimmed plenty of fine-ass guys before fucking them or getting a blow job and I can honestly say that I've never had amoebas (or any other infection due to this sex act) in my life. These days as I am right around 40 yoa, I'm a lot less likely to do either. I still fuck a fair amount of ass and enjoy it - but as far as I know my sex partners get cleaned up down there before we fuck (and yes, some asses get dirty anyway). I still rim on rare occasion, but am SUPER picky and careful about it. As for fucking on the beach - I did once about 15 years ago. We fucked all night and my dick was raw and almost swollen the next day due to all that sand causing friction; I can only hope that my friend's hole fared better. I have zero desire to do it again. Age does change one's sex life and not always for the better. Sex is still a great thing - but you can never be "15-years-old-horny" ever again. That is a once in a lifetime perk. Thank God I took great advantage of it when I did LOL.

R103 are you into pooty bears though? 🐻💨 💨

Haha R104. Well, farting bears are not my idea of sexy in theory or actuality - so no.

Dating a 25 year old.

How can you tell if a guy is a peanut butter bottom? Are some chunky or creamy?

Love this thread.

What about being tied up? I’ve never done it but is that sexier in theory?

Dating a "I'm-a-basically-straight" dude and having him ask for an allowance.

Roleplay can be fun w strangers but awkward w people you know.

the reverse is snowballing is gross to watch on video but can be extremely sexy in person with someone you connect with

Lesbian action

3 way with a straight couple.

A gay cruise

Male strippers or go go boys. Just seems silly.

Leather. I'm sorry it's soooo costumey.

Porn dialogue/acting or some elaborate storyline

Soft core porn - shit movies with more sex

R115 - in my experience they were always plenty sexy but almost always straight. Then ones that came back to my place to party after hours were chasing my hot female friends and had no interest in other guys. Once many of us ended up naked and fooling around, but the sexy stripper was definitely into my female friend and had zero interest in me fucking, rimming or even touching him for that matter. It was memorable but not worth repeating. Boy, the good ol days...

"in my experience they were always plenty sexy but almost always straight."

Not in my experience....

Sugar daddies

Any examples of dirty talk that’s only sexy in theory?

Sex clubs and bathhouses - used to be hot, but with online porn and hookup apps, now usually just an odd assortment of really old dudes, fulgies, sex addicts, homeless, and meth heads.

Peanuuuuut Peanut Buuuutter.....BOTTOMS!

Tijuana donkey shows.

Ping pong ling long ting tong

Cara Delevingne

Wut? Me?

Frisking and/or strip-searching male suspects.

Trust me, you don't ever want to do this.

R128 why?

r129 — Because unlike in the movies, suspects are invariably filthy, nasty, ugly, disease-ridden, or any combination thereof. Hollywood aside, they are not the type of gentlemen you would like to take home to fuck.

R130 point taken

Doing it in the shower.

Incest.

Coating each other in lube

Promiscuity. I'm not hot wired that way. At most I have somewhat promiscuous periods but nothing major. I have had only one threesome. I'm not even in a relationship right now. I mean don't worry about me, haha I have good sex, only usually in relationships.

*hard wired

“Hot wired“ sounds hotter.

R137 I know, man. haha

While there is nothing sexy about a urinalysis, my partner was sent to the hospital lab last year to supply a urine specimen for testing. Apparently he was going to be all cool and calm about it but in actuality he's easily embarrassed and doesn't like the idea that "everybody's gonna know what I'm doing in there when I go into the bathroom with the cup, and they're all women."

When he got there he peed successfully, and just as Mr.Cool and Sexy was on his way out of the bathroom cubicle he dropped the specimen container and it splashed all over his shoes and pants.

Superhero movies.

For a while Botega sold suede and leather pants that were cut, fit and looked like jeans. They weren't cheesy or super tight. I still regret not buying them.

R139 Your partner sounds like a moron.

I like my custom leather levi 501s. A classic.

Doing drugs or drinking. Smoking.

how is this not sexy

Hooking up with strangers.

Everyone is so crazy now and there is no telling what you’d get yourself into.

A big dick.

Get thee behind me, Satan ! ^^^^

r146, hooking up with strangers has always been dangerous. Ask anyone who encountered the Doodler

I agree. Hooking up with strangers is not sexy.

Satin sheets. Everything slips off the bed, including you and your partnerIs).

R145 because he's pretty like a girl

R152 but that's my type

R147 must be a top with a not-so-big dick or doesn't know how to relax his muscles properly.

[Quote] [R147] must be a top with a not-so-big dick

Gosh, you got me there 🤣🤣🤣

That tongue in the ear thing.

Felching my brother-in-law wasn’t all it promised to be, so...

Pussy. Especially eating them. Don't believe the hype. Take it from me, you don't want to go there.

Corset dresses, especially wedding dresses.

Cut dick. Meh. What's all the fuss about?

R160 you must not like dick

Rimming

Hooking up with a celeb.

Biting

Guys who don't use deodorant and think they don't stink.

Uncut dick

Eating cum

Cum kissing or cum swapping. So fucking hot in a porn vid. Not so much on a Wednesday night.

Cock piercings. Actually they are not even sexy in theory.

Convertibles (cars)

Athletes. Many of them stink and have gross personal habits. Good fantasy material from a distance, maybe.

Daisy Dukes. Uncomfortable as fuck.

R172 Says you ,honey ! I had a pair that fit my ass perfectly . Just high enough to expose a little ass cheek ,and so tight you couldnt slip a feather in there. Those short got me laid a 1000 times ,and I wore them till they were shredded.

Agreed, R171. Athletes often have smelly feet and shoes. So gross.

Falling asleep spooning.

How do people not get pins and needles in their arms?

My 1st husband,may he rest in peace,was a "spooner" . I wasnt . But every morning when I woke up he was wrapped around me like a snuggie. Id be hot,sweaty and cramping,and he would be dead asleep with a half smile on his face. I got over my anti spooning stance .

Sex outdoors. Bugs. Dirt. Poison Ivy. Had a friend who ended up in the hospital after rolling around in poison ivy and getting a serious rash on this tender bits.

Haaa r177, that reminds me of a story that my friend told me about taking a dump off road at night, in a patch of poison oak- in the ensuing week, every time he took a dump after that, he had to pull apart his butt cheeks because they were crusted over by the weeping rash.

Cum farts

Timothee Chalamet

I lvoe shower sex and 69, but the water has to be a little bit chilly.

[quote][R38] beat me to it. A hot concept, to be sure, but awkward, uncomfortable and not nearly as pleasurable as regular fellatio in practice, for giver or recipient.

Regarding 69. It sounds so hot but neither really enjoys it. Partners need to either be totally giving or receiving - trying to do both at the same time just doesn't work.

Pretty boys...like movie star

Cigars. They REEK.

One of my favorite things, at night, in the pool: let him float on his back, then put one arm under his back and one under his leg and walk slowly back and forth. The dim light, the cool water, the warm skin, the support, the burbling noise in the ear like a Tranquility Fountain. After a minute or two his neck may get sore and you can prop him up on the side of the pool and massage him with a fluffy towel.

[quote]you can prop him up on the side of the pool

Is he dead?

LOL R186.

The Blues Brothers

ONG! Prince Andrew is your EX?

Twerking

Sex in a bathtub gets awkward fast