How would the United States be different if the Founding Fathers were Dataloungers?

The flag would be made of Trina Turk caftan material. With hot pink tassels.

An amendment to the Constitution protecting the right to present hole.

We would all have the right to Drain our Pasta.

There would have been no grammatical ambiguities like the poorly written Second Amendment.

There would be plenty of grammatical mistakes in the Constitution. It’s just that Madison would have scribbled “Oh, dear!” in the margins.

The US National Anthem would begin like this:

"Thank you for being a friend Traveled down a road and back again Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant..."

We’d have public glory holes like Europe has public urinals.

Aaron Schock would be president just because he's hot.

Vivian would be on the ONE DOLLAR BILL. Because everyone would want to have her picture. And more people can afford a one than a twenty.

You would have a first amendment right to smell cookies!

People born hot looking would not have to serve time for their transgressions.

[QUOTE]We would all have the right to Drain our Pasta.

Al contrario! Draining pasta would be a criminal offense. Misdemeanor maybe, but no, there will be no draining of pasta.

We were trying to make this actually happen in the "we need a new place" thread. I imagine the outcome would be similar: a bunch of crotchety queens criticizing any and all ideas without any work ever being accomplished.

Benjamin Franklin was a pussyhound, so he's not.

George Washington had no teeth, so yes, he's a Datalounger.

Thomas Jefferson was a fake liberal, so yes, a Datalounger

Hamilton thought he was too good for everyone else, so yes, a Datalounger.

Mount Rushmore would include Arlene Francis.

Aaron Burr had a receding hairline and held deep grudges against the younger and cuter, so yes, Datalounger.

Congressional pages would wear silk breeches and would be chosen for upper body development.

Washington was the OP on that DL thread about Royal Tiaras and Crowns.

Turkey meatballs is every refrigerator!

^in^

"Fat whore!" flying at the constitutional convention.

We'd still be under British rule considering how many of you are obsessed with Queen Elizabeth.

Productions of Follies would be performed every July 4th and Losing My Mind would be the national anthem.

Pencils and rotary phones mandatory!

There would be over a dozen different American flags and constant fighting over the design elements.

Armed forces would specialize in vicious face slappings!

The Supreme Court would look like this...

The Kennedy Center Honors would be chaired by Miss Warwick.

Divine would have served as the model for the Statue of Liberty

We’d change from “United We Stand” to

“United We Kneel”.

Vivian Vance was only 3-years-old in 1789.

We certainly would not have asked that frumpy Betsy Ross to design the flag. Boring!

We would all have the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of bitchiness."

John Hancock would have been the first President.

Our legislature would be non-binary instead of bicameral.

Military service requirements would include verifcatia of sizemeat.

Paul Revere would have galloped around screaming "Boston, you in danger gurl!"

The Washington Monument would...stay the exact same.

The Declaration of Independence would have been passed by the Cunty-nental Congress.

[quote] The Washington Monument would...stay the exact same.

The Monument is an insatiable bottom.

Instead of a declaration of war, the president would yell out "Stay pressed, hunties!" before firing the first shot.

The second amendment would be the right to arm bears. Instead of the HUD secretary we'd have a tasteful friends liaison.

Where would the capital be located?

[quote] Where would the capital be located?

Palm Springs, of course.

The inaugural ball would include a special presentation by Gavin Newsom, who would strip down and jack off for those gathered.

The Declaration of Independence would've been the Affirmation of Codependence on Your Overbearing Mother.

Lady Liberty would be replaced by Murial.

Ambassador to Russia = Rip Taylor!!!

For some reason I’ve always assumed the Washington Monument was a top. The Vietnam War Memorial, on the other hand, screams “fuck me, Daddy.”

Friedrich von Steuben would have taken Martha's place as the first First Lady.

Mental health would be the best in the world because even though you are snarky bitches, you also are some of the kindest, sweetest people when you're feeling like shit.

Madam President LuPone would sing her rock opera speeches to standing ovations. She'd be surprisingly good for us.

All homes would've been required to have fainting couches.

First Annual Purge Night - Fatties

Second Annual Purge Night - Trans

Third Annual Purge Night - Fraus

Fourth Annual Purge Night - Crotchfruits

John John would never have gotten on that plane. He would have been elected God Emperor and worshipped by millions.

The Bitchfest (War) of 1812 would have taken place at White Parties in Provincetown, Key West, and New Orleans. And the Treaty of Ghent would have been signed in Mykonos.

All daughters would be given a container of cake frosting.

Michfest would be held on the Mall in Washington.

Aaron Schock would be First Lady, but that title would be changed to Slack-Holed Enchantress.

So would the "political parties" be the bears, otters, twinks, daddies, sons, etc. and then the lesbians?

More like the Left (Madonna fans) and the right (Janet fans)

The three branches of government:

Caftan

Leather

Clutched Pearls

The initial set of amendments would be known as "Pointless Bitchery".

And, the nation's capital would NOT be in DC.

Also, the Marquis de Lafayette would have been a pass-around bottom, all for the war effort, of course.

All White House dinners would feature Shirley Maclaine serving the FUCKING creme brulee.

Zsa Zsa Gabor on the $100 bill.

The capital would have to be somewhere on a tropical sandy beach or island.

Ethel Merman and Mary Martin's faces would be added to Mt Rushmore.

Marlo Thomas would be made an enemy of the nation.

The national bird is a cock.

Republicans would be sent to a guillotine.

Follies and Gypsy would still be playing on Broadway with a revolving cast of big name stars stepping into the roles every year.

The Judy vs Barbra debate would have led to countless duels.

The Official National Language = Lisping

Ben Franklin would have vehemently denied having slept with that troll, John Adams, in New Brunswick.

The obscenity of slavery would not have been constitutionally protected.

Yet some would have signed the Declaration of Independence wearing dog collars.

The Founding Mothers would have built the Capitol in half the time.

Jefferson would have been called out and sued and Sally would have ended up with Monticello.

Because she was fabulous.

[quote] There would be plenty of grammatical mistakes in the Constitution. It’s just that Madison would have scribbled “Oh, dear!” in the margins.

The drafters would blame their errors on "damn auto-correct."

The footage of Joshua Speed getting pounded by Abe Lincoln would have been the first Falcon video.

The Boston Tea Party would have taken place in an actual tearoom.

The Pledge of Allegiance would end with

"MARY!"

Each year we would choose a sacrificial lamb to be offered in Dame Olivia's memory. It's hard to rewrite the past, but this year's sacrifice would be a run-off between Lea Michele and Lens Dunham. Next year's sacrifice will most likely be Ellen, but we'll torture here with the waiting period whilst she fattens herself up with more booze.

Deep down, I know we'd all be Tories. I'm sorry, but dammit, George III had the most beautiful caftans.

The Supreme Court would be a balance of three tops, three bottoms, and three verse who could flip either way.

I pledge of allegiance to Cher.

The economy would be a mess and you’d only pay taxes if you weren’t in a mood. Oh, never mind that’s now! So the only thing would be that Trump and Pence would be hot and insatiable and would serve the American people.

The slogan "Don't Tread on Me" would have been "Don't Fuck with Me Fellas!"

All National Parks would be "Clothing Optional"!

September 11 would never have been the date of a terrorist attack, but the date would still be celebrated as "Let's Roll Day." Americans would practice various rituals featuring rolls, Red Dragon Cheese, and frolicking games themed "Once around the Garden."

Prisoners would have the right to lube.

The "Emancipation Proclamation" would be commemorated with a day off work to celebrate "BBC Appreciation Day"!

Instead of high schools, Congressional Pages would be recruited from OnlyFans. And there would no such thing as a congressional page "scandal," since the public would be able to follow them there, allowing for full disclosure and ongoing discussion of their activities and abilities.

Fleet Week would be a month.

[quote]Fleet Week would be a month.

And every bottom would get this:

Washington's army would have spent a bitterly cold winter encamped in Valley of the Dolls.

"Hamilton" would never have been a rap musical.

The Wrigleyville Cumdump's birthday would be a national holiday

TV commentators would include The Homosex Man talking at great length about the Hairy Pubis.

Sissy's Pizza Bread would be taught as part of sex ed in EVERY school in America.

Sissy's Pizza Bread would be taught as part of sex ed in EVERY school in America.

National elections would include Speedo competitions to ensure that something like Trump could never happen.

All political candidates would have to Lipsync....for their Lives!

The presidential candidates would also have to prove they can dance, and one of the debates would be between their respective spouses/partners and preview their ideas on fashion, hair, interior design, dinner parties, etc.

The Supreme Court Justices would wear caftans instead of robes.

The American Flag would be updated with the seasons. Fabulous designers would compete for the new Fall Look 2020.

MDNA would be Mandatory at all Congressional Caucuses!!!

Instead of fireworks, July 4th would be about glitter.

There wouldn’t be a state of Maryland, but there would be a state of MARY!

And there would be no Virginia or West Virginia as the names are too close to Vagina.

They would be Stinkfish and West Stinkfish.

Instead of Philadelphia during the Fall, The First Continental Congress would have been held in Provincetown during the Summer.

[quote] We certainly would not have asked that frumpy Betsy Ross to design the flag. Boring!

Yeah, the flag would have been chosen via a competition not unlike Project Runway, with Dolley Madison as Heidi and Pierre Charles L'Enfant as Tim.

Washington and Hamilton would have lived happily ever after at Brokeback Mt. Vernon.

Fleet Week would last a month, and be completely clothing optional.

The million men march would have been more of a sashay.

Paul Lynde would have been the center Supreme Court Justice.

Cases would be decided on who had more X's or O's.

It would enshrined in the Constitution that Senators could attend sessions dressed however they want.

Instead of Valley Forge, Washington would have wintered at Key West.

Instead of Paul Revere on a horse; there would be Miss Lindsey on Fox.

Men would wear long, highly styled wigs. Oh, wait....

Instead of "WE THE PEOPLE ..." The Constitution would have started with the phrase "TASTEFUL FRIENDS ...."

The National Mall would have monuments to Chrissy Metz and Linda Lavin instead of Lincoln and Jefferson.

The national dress code would be a pair of chic hostess pants [the kind you wear when you give smart dinner parties], a black off-the-shoulder blouse, a big crushy belt, and little ballet slippers.

In Ethel Mae Potter We Trust.

Much more power would be given to the coastal states. None to the flyovers.

People would swear in on this not a Bible.

There would be no Betty Ford Center. The go-to rehab would be the Neely O'Hara Nuthouse for Booze and Dope.

Patti Lupone would be on the $20 bill.

The cabinet would consist of only four positions: Secretery of Blanche, Secretary of Rose, Secretary of Dorothy and Secretary of Sophia.

Cheesecake would be the national food. Flashback episodes would be national holidays.

The three no longer living Golden Girls would lie in a mausoleum like Lenin.

The Washington Monument would look like...

Oh, nevermind.

We would all have the right to more than just bear arms.

On maps, the shape of the United States would be different – Florida would no longer just hang flaccidly to the right; [italic]instead[/italic]...

Presenting hole would be considered national diplomatic protocol.

R38, R125: The Washington Monument would have more girth.

On the night he was shot at the Ford Theatre, Abraham Lincoln would have been attending a performance of "A Chorus Line," as opposed to "Our American Cousin."

(Margo Channing was [italic]not[/italic] in the cast.)

Betsy Ross would be given a bit more fabric to work with

There would have been no [italic]need[/italic] for Betsy Ross, or red, white, and blue... Officially waving instead: the rainbow flag.

The country would be named US-SLGBTQIAA-A.

and some sequins for this tired act please!! maybe a female vocalist...

The Civil War would be caused by a dispute over Dynasty vs Knots Landing.

^ And Fort Sumter would now be known as [bold]Fort Greg and Abby Sumner[/bold].

The first right in the Bill of Rights would be short on relevance and long on cuntiness.

I’m trying to work out what that would make neighboring countries. Mexico would Mumsnet, Russia would be Reddit, Canada would be LChat, Cuba would be Lipstick Alley...

This man would be appointed Press Secretary.

The US would not exist. The founding fathers would have been bought of with silk breeches, Wedgwood porcelain, and promises of a fabulous time in London.