I think someone just broke into my house

Present hole.

Smoke copious amounts of pot.

Strip naked and jump out shouting “Ta-Daaaa!!”

Maybe it's the ghost of a long ,long dead affair?

Post on Datalounge!

Can I have your stuff, OP?

I hope you've prelubed.

Shout “Yoo Hoo!”

R4 that’s good. You get a gold star

Use your 15 inch dildo as a weapon! And wear a mask!

OP, are you still alive??

I think he's dead, R11.

Rest In Power.

Update your Facebook status to Deceased.

Okay - who called his stuff?

R6! Please proceed to the OP's house and get his stuff.

Have you checked the children?

That all depends whether you have a gun, OP.

Hide in the closet.

Are they hot?

They're only there to steal toilet paper, bleach and face masks, you're safe.

It's Bai Ling, on the roof.

Unless you have a gun you’re fucked.

911 is a joke in your town...

The DL troll taking the time to post "I think someone just broke into my house" is COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

chain the would-be thief in your basement sex dungeon.

Put on all your shawls and caftans, blast this on your stereo and come vamping and twirling down the stairs to meet your suitor!

Strangle him with the strand of pearls you're clutching.

Now I am starting to get worried for OP, all kidding aside.

[quote]Okay - who called his stuff?

No one from the [italic]Shopping For Groceries Is Like Hell Right Now,[/italic] that's for sure.

Taking OP's stuff would require fitting it into the already-packed MDF-and-Rubbermaid isolation chamber in the garage and letting it sit for three months before finally cleaning it — carefully, very carefully — with carborane acid, which would immediately eat through everything and release 'live virus spores' into the atmosphere and kill everyone.

They're not going through that shit for three broken Hummels and a stained caftan.

It's wonderful that people see DL as their go-to haven. First someone posts that they are afraid to leave their gazebo because a raccoon is holding them hostage, and now this.

I wonder if OP is dead yet.

By all means, post to Datalounge and wait for the response you believe is most helpful.

OP is fine. He sends his love! Here's a selfie we just took to ease your minds.

By the way, does anyone happen to know his OnlyFans password?

The cops all quit in your town, OP. This is DL so I’m sure you don’t own a gun. Your best bet is to see if he’s hot.

What your mother and I must know is what have you done to the baby???

Your first impulse is to seek help from DL rather than the police? Dooooomed!

R35 and your first impulse is that OP is serious? Dooooomed!

[quote]It's wonderful that people see DL as their go-to haven. First someone posts that they are afraid to leave their gazebo because a raccoon is holding them hostage, and now this.

Why is the bar set so low? DL responses/advice aren't usually very helpful. They're more comedic and/or snarky than anything resembling any kind of useful advice.

Crap your pants, then you won't get raped, but make sure you see what they look like first.

Let the intruder know you don't go past 3rd base on the first encounter

and that any non-consensual activities may cause them to be cancelled

Hey you guys, I’m OK. It was just a raccoon. But what a scare!

NOW you tell us?

Hey Guys, I was breaking into a house last night so I could torture and murder the occupant to stop him from posting about Follies on the internet, when this raccoon scurried in making a loud noise, so I had to get out of there in a hurry. Anyway, I'll be back soon.

Probably drug addicts looking for pharmaceuticals. Take every pill in the medicine cabinet before they find it!

Sorry, Miss Stanwyck. We've seen that movie and are waiting for something NEW.

Racoons are stealthy prowlers.

I was going to ask whether you have a bunker you could go hide in, but I guess you don't need to do that now.

You mean you didn't have a plan B?!

1/10

OP is too fat and too stupid to create a more believable scenario.

lol is OP the same person who created the Racoon thread? Maybe OP is to ashamed to admit he has a raccoon phobia.....

lol is OP the same person who created the Racoon thread? Maybe OP is to ashamed to admit he has a raccoon phobia.....

Bai Ling didn't like your roof.

Quick--tell us what's on your iPod!