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Let’s be Ellen Degeneres!

Oooooo, I’m so ... so ANGRY! I have so much money, but I’m still so unhappy!

by Anonymousreply 6708/02/2020

I’m the burglary that never happened.

by Anonymousreply 107/28/2020

I'm the dead pan face after I say something stupid, waiting for the audience to laugh.

by Anonymousreply 207/28/2020

I'm the air of menace.

by Anonymousreply 307/28/2020

I’m the bag of oranges.

by Anonymousreply 407/28/2020

I'm the Evian bottle filled with vodka.

by Anonymousreply 507/28/2020

I'm Portia's bruises.

by Anonymousreply 607/28/2020

I'm Anne Heche - Call Me Crazy - but at least I got away from that mean, old drunk!

by Anonymousreply 707/28/2020

I’m the folksy everyday gal persona.

by Anonymousreply 807/28/2020

I’m the seething rage I desperately try to bury behind lame jokes and which becomes frighteningly clear to all around me more and more often.

by Anonymousreply 907/28/2020

Let's not, shall we?

by Anonymousreply 1007/28/2020

I’m the dumpy, frumpy fashion sense

by Anonymousreply 1107/28/2020

I'm the insincerity.

by Anonymousreply 1207/28/2020

I’m Lucille Ball, another showbiz tyrant who hid behind a retarded overgrown child public persona well into her senior years.

WAAAAAAAAH! EUuuuuughhh! (throws coffee in PA’s face)

by Anonymousreply 1307/28/2020

I’m the “woooooooo!!!!” that is shrieked from every Frau in the studio audience, especially during The Twelve Days of Christmas giveaways.

by Anonymousreply 1407/28/2020

I see her because I was like her the last months before I quit teaching. I had come to hate the job and all the bs that came with it and didn’t give two fucks anymore. Totally phoned it in.

by Anonymousreply 1507/28/2020

I'm Arye Gross. I was your co-star on a show called "These Friends of Mine", which became "Ellen". Then you came out, and cost me a lifetime of syndication residuals. I'm a working actor who takes every job I'm offered in order to pay my mortgage. You can't even be bothered to make me a regular guest on your talk show so I might increase my profile and get better jobs. These friends of mine, indeed.

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by Anonymousreply 1607/28/2020

I’m Kevin Hart.

by Anonymousreply 1707/28/2020

I'm a cruel practical joke.

by Anonymousreply 1807/28/2020

I’m Portia’s dangerously high adrenaline levels when Ellen is due home.

by Anonymousreply 1907/28/2020

I'm Jeremy Piven. I told y'all.

by Anonymousreply 2007/28/2020

I'm a cunt.

by Anonymousreply 2107/28/2020

Arye Gross was very sexy when he was young--he had a thick neck and nicely developed traps. Now he's kind of a schlub.

by Anonymousreply 2207/28/2020

I’m the lesbians jumping to defend her.

by Anonymousreply 2307/28/2020

I’m all the pets she lost interest in.

by Anonymousreply 2407/28/2020

I'm Ellen's BFF, noted torturer and war criminal George W. Bush!

by Anonymousreply 2507/28/2020

I’m the one time she didn’t bother hiding her disdain: her interview with Caitlyn.

by Anonymousreply 2607/28/2020

I’m the intentionally bad dancing that inadvertently feeds negative stereotypes about lesbians and their lack of rhythm.

by Anonymousreply 2707/28/2020

I’m George W. Bush. I only took her to the baseball game because I was going to ask Ricky Schroder and he’s ... unavailable. But they kind of look like so I figured, why the heck not?

by Anonymousreply 2807/28/2020

I'm a relieved Jodie Foster. Thanks to Ellen, people forgot that I defended drunken asshole Mel Gibson.

by Anonymousreply 2907/28/2020

I'm Ellen's passive-aggression.

by Anonymousreply 3007/28/2020

I am an even more relieved Rosie O’Donnell. Thanks to her, people forgot about me stealing shows from Nell Carter and Star Jones, not to mention what a bitter bitch I was after I came out and abdicated my throne as “The Queen of Nice.”

by Anonymousreply 3107/28/2020

I’m mean drunk Ellen, the one you get when the cameras aren’t rolling

by Anonymousreply 3207/28/2020

I'm Bonnie Hunt, still available for a talk show!

by Anonymousreply 3307/28/2020

I'm Ellen and everyone in Hollywood is my bff, because they came to my birthday party.

by Anonymousreply 3407/28/2020

I’m Jerry Springer wondering why the staff members alleging mistreatment can’t just go on my show with their employers and duke it out. Oh wait, my show was canceled.

by Anonymousreply 3507/28/2020

I’m a bottle of vodka. I’ll be empty in no time

by Anonymousreply 3607/28/2020

I’m the door Portia hides behind.

by Anonymousreply 3707/28/2020

I'm Dakota Johnson, who called Ellen out on her bullshit right there on her talk show for the world to see.

I'm a shitty actress, but at least I'm honest.

by Anonymousreply 3807/28/2020

I'm the seething rage and self-hatred underneath that tight-lipped smile!

by Anonymousreply 3907/28/2020

She needs a dick.

by Anonymousreply 4007/28/2020

I'm the shawl used to cover Portia's bruises!

by Anonymousreply 4107/28/2020

I'm the strange sadistic thrill Ellen gets from playing mean pranks on people and putting them in humiliating and cruel situations. In fact, she gets such a thrill out of me that she developed a game show that allows her to nastily tease and torture people and get pleasure from me for an hour every week.

by Anonymousreply 4207/28/2020

I'm Johnathon Schaech. Ellen and I TOTALLY didn't beard for each other in the '90s.

We were lust-filled with heterosexuality!

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by Anonymousreply 4307/28/2020

Ellen is every teenage boy's fantasy.

by Anonymousreply 4407/28/2020

My name is Portia I live on the second floor I live upstairs from Ellen Yes I think you've seen me before If you hear something late at night Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight Just don't ask me what it was

Yes, I think I'm okay I walked into the door again If you ask that's what I'll say And it's not your business anyway I guess I'd like to be alone With nothing broken, nothing thrown Just don't ask me how I am Just don't ask me how I am Just don't…

by Anonymousreply 4507/28/2020

I’m the Academy Awards, Ellen made me ALL about her and her fucking selfie and pizza stunt. She was also hungover as fuck the next day and forced all the stars to visit her show as repayment for her hosting.

by Anonymousreply 4607/28/2020

I'm the shelter dog Ellen adopted, played with for a few days, got bored with, then was forcibly pawned off to one of her staffers. There are many more shelter dogs who have been in my very same situation.

by Anonymousreply 4707/28/2020

I'm the phone socket pulled off the wall when it became clear Portia was making a call for help.

by Anonymousreply 4807/28/2020

I'm the Qanon trolls who are definitively linked to negative Ellen threads. We are pissed at Twitter so we have nestled in to every gossip site to do our worst. We said all this on what we thought was private chat.

by Anonymousreply 4907/28/2020

I'm the pills Anne Heche secretly passed to Portia to help her deal with being married to Ellen.

I'm just a few doses away from having Portia wandering the streets of Fresno looking for her mothership.

by Anonymousreply 5007/28/2020

I'm the piles of money and luxurious California estate that await Portia for putting up with his nonsense for as long as she has.

by Anonymousreply 5107/28/2020

I'm the deadly force of Ellen's fists, and I'm the only thing preventing Portia from getting those piles of money and luxurious California estate.

by Anonymousreply 5207/28/2020

I’m Anne Heche’s homophobic bitch of a mother. I’m basically Dr. Laura without a press agent.

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by Anonymousreply 5307/28/2020

I'm Ellen, lounging on a stone-gray sofa in the cavernous great room of her gray stone mansion wondering what I can do to tone down the nauseatingly whimsical design.

by Anonymousreply 5407/29/2020

I'm Andy Lassner. Ellen is not nice.

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by Anonymousreply 5507/31/2020

This is all a hitjob because she's anti-Trump.

by Anonymousreply 5607/31/2020

^ LOL Girl please.

by Anonymousreply 5707/31/2020

I’m Aaron Rodgers, heterosexual quarterback.

by Anonymousreply 5807/31/2020

I’m the Primal Scream where her soul used to be!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

by Anonymousreply 5907/31/2020

I'm Rose from The Golden Girls. I don't understand why Ellen beats Portia. Ellen's set for life financially so she shouldn't really have anything making her so mad. She could always hire anyone to do anything her little heart desires.

by Anonymousreply 6007/31/2020

I'm Liza.

Tshk, Tshk.

by Anonymousreply 6107/31/2020

I'm hairstyles that accentuate my huge ears

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by Anonymousreply 6207/31/2020

I'm Kelly Clarkson, waiting for the timeslot.

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by Anonymousreply 6307/31/2020

Kelly’s face?

by Anonymousreply 6408/01/2020

The people behind this hit job are just as anti-Trump as she is but for different reasons, ones that may even conflict with hers.

by Anonymousreply 6508/01/2020

When there's smoke

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by Anonymousreply 6608/01/2020

I am the inspirational posters Ellen hangs on her dressing room walls!

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by Anonymousreply 6708/02/2020
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