Let’s be Ellen Degeneres!

I’m the burglary that never happened.

I'm the dead pan face after I say something stupid, waiting for the audience to laugh.

I'm the air of menace.

I’m the bag of oranges.

I'm the Evian bottle filled with vodka.

I'm Portia's bruises.

I'm Anne Heche - Call Me Crazy - but at least I got away from that mean, old drunk!

I’m the folksy everyday gal persona.

I’m the seething rage I desperately try to bury behind lame jokes and which becomes frighteningly clear to all around me more and more often.

Let's not, shall we?

I’m the dumpy, frumpy fashion sense

I'm the insincerity.

I’m Lucille Ball, another showbiz tyrant who hid behind a retarded overgrown child public persona well into her senior years.

WAAAAAAAAH! EUuuuuughhh! (throws coffee in PA’s face)

I’m the “woooooooo!!!!” that is shrieked from every Frau in the studio audience, especially during The Twelve Days of Christmas giveaways.

I see her because I was like her the last months before I quit teaching. I had come to hate the job and all the bs that came with it and didn’t give two fucks anymore. Totally phoned it in.

I'm Arye Gross. I was your co-star on a show called "These Friends of Mine", which became "Ellen". Then you came out, and cost me a lifetime of syndication residuals. I'm a working actor who takes every job I'm offered in order to pay my mortgage. You can't even be bothered to make me a regular guest on your talk show so I might increase my profile and get better jobs. These friends of mine, indeed.

I’m Kevin Hart.

I'm a cruel practical joke.

I’m Portia’s dangerously high adrenaline levels when Ellen is due home.

I'm Jeremy Piven. I told y'all.

I'm a cunt.

Arye Gross was very sexy when he was young--he had a thick neck and nicely developed traps. Now he's kind of a schlub.

I’m the lesbians jumping to defend her.

I’m all the pets she lost interest in.

I'm Ellen's BFF, noted torturer and war criminal George W. Bush!

I’m the one time she didn’t bother hiding her disdain: her interview with Caitlyn.

I’m the intentionally bad dancing that inadvertently feeds negative stereotypes about lesbians and their lack of rhythm.

I’m George W. Bush. I only took her to the baseball game because I was going to ask Ricky Schroder and he’s ... unavailable. But they kind of look like so I figured, why the heck not?

I'm a relieved Jodie Foster. Thanks to Ellen, people forgot that I defended drunken asshole Mel Gibson.

I'm Ellen's passive-aggression.

I am an even more relieved Rosie O’Donnell. Thanks to her, people forgot about me stealing shows from Nell Carter and Star Jones, not to mention what a bitter bitch I was after I came out and abdicated my throne as “The Queen of Nice.”

I’m mean drunk Ellen, the one you get when the cameras aren’t rolling

I'm Bonnie Hunt, still available for a talk show!

I'm Ellen and everyone in Hollywood is my bff, because they came to my birthday party.

I’m Jerry Springer wondering why the staff members alleging mistreatment can’t just go on my show with their employers and duke it out. Oh wait, my show was canceled.

I’m a bottle of vodka. I’ll be empty in no time

I’m the door Portia hides behind.

I'm Dakota Johnson, who called Ellen out on her bullshit right there on her talk show for the world to see.

I'm a shitty actress, but at least I'm honest.

I'm the seething rage and self-hatred underneath that tight-lipped smile!

She needs a dick.

I'm the shawl used to cover Portia's bruises!

I'm the strange sadistic thrill Ellen gets from playing mean pranks on people and putting them in humiliating and cruel situations. In fact, she gets such a thrill out of me that she developed a game show that allows her to nastily tease and torture people and get pleasure from me for an hour every week.

I'm Johnathon Schaech. Ellen and I TOTALLY didn't beard for each other in the '90s.

We were lust-filled with heterosexuality!

Ellen is every teenage boy's fantasy.

My name is Portia I live on the second floor I live upstairs from Ellen Yes I think you've seen me before If you hear something late at night Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight Just don't ask me what it was

Yes, I think I'm okay I walked into the door again If you ask that's what I'll say And it's not your business anyway I guess I'd like to be alone With nothing broken, nothing thrown Just don't ask me how I am Just don't ask me how I am Just don't…

I’m the Academy Awards, Ellen made me ALL about her and her fucking selfie and pizza stunt. She was also hungover as fuck the next day and forced all the stars to visit her show as repayment for her hosting.

I'm the shelter dog Ellen adopted, played with for a few days, got bored with, then was forcibly pawned off to one of her staffers. There are many more shelter dogs who have been in my very same situation.

I'm the phone socket pulled off the wall when it became clear Portia was making a call for help.

I'm the Qanon trolls who are definitively linked to negative Ellen threads. We are pissed at Twitter so we have nestled in to every gossip site to do our worst. We said all this on what we thought was private chat.

I'm the pills Anne Heche secretly passed to Portia to help her deal with being married to Ellen.

I'm just a few doses away from having Portia wandering the streets of Fresno looking for her mothership.

I'm the piles of money and luxurious California estate that await Portia for putting up with his nonsense for as long as she has.

I'm the deadly force of Ellen's fists, and I'm the only thing preventing Portia from getting those piles of money and luxurious California estate.

I’m Anne Heche’s homophobic bitch of a mother. I’m basically Dr. Laura without a press agent.

I'm Ellen, lounging on a stone-gray sofa in the cavernous great room of her gray stone mansion wondering what I can do to tone down the nauseatingly whimsical design.

I'm Andy Lassner. Ellen is not nice.

This is all a hitjob because she's anti-Trump.

^ LOL Girl please.

I’m Aaron Rodgers, heterosexual quarterback.

I’m the Primal Scream where her soul used to be!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm Rose from The Golden Girls. I don't understand why Ellen beats Portia. Ellen's set for life financially so she shouldn't really have anything making her so mad. She could always hire anyone to do anything her little heart desires.

I'm Liza.

Tshk, Tshk.

I'm hairstyles that accentuate my huge ears

I'm Kelly Clarkson, waiting for the timeslot.

Kelly’s face?

The people behind this hit job are just as anti-Trump as she is but for different reasons, ones that may even conflict with hers.

When there's smoke

I am the inspirational posters Ellen hangs on her dressing room walls!