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How do you deal with a crude, offensive parent who thinks they’re funny?

My dad is fundamentally a good person but has a habit of making crass, offensive remarks during casual conversation that he thinks are funny but really aren’t. Not necessarily directed at anyone, just really inappropriate. If I say anything about it, he sulks and retreats. Do you deal with this situation? How do you cope?

by Anonymousreply 54Last Friday at 1:24 PM

Punch him in the face and delete his contact information from your phone

by Anonymousreply 1Last Thursday at 11:05 AM

Tell him he's so funny he should go into stand up.

by Anonymousreply 2Last Thursday at 11:05 AM

R1 Occasionally I’m tempted.

by Anonymousreply 3Last Thursday at 11:22 AM

My brother was like this. And then he died.

Not sorry.

by Anonymousreply 4Last Thursday at 11:26 AM

I had an Uncle that was like that . When my aunt married a jewish fellow from New York he forever after called him "jew boy" . One day we were having a family get together and he said something to a friend of my cousins and that bitch chewed him a new asshole . Didnt stop him from being a dick,but it did open the gate for reacting when he was .

by Anonymousreply 5Last Thursday at 11:41 AM

R5 It’s not so much racist comments or slurs as it is just flat-out “why would you say that?” stuff. Like talking about back-alley wire coathanger abortions in front of another family member who is not only 12, but Catholic.

by Anonymousreply 6Last Thursday at 11:45 AM

12 year olds need to know history - sounds appropriate if a 12 year old Catholic expresses some ideas about abortion that they know nothing about.

by Anonymousreply 7Last Thursday at 11:48 AM

R7 The conversation had nothing to do with abortion, he just brought it up out of nowhere. I’m just using it as an example of the fact that he thinks he can say whatever, whenever, without giving a fuck. It’s rude and often embarrassing.

by Anonymousreply 8Last Thursday at 11:50 AM

More examples of said comments please, OP. If we’re going to assess we need fodder to do so.

by Anonymousreply 9Last Thursday at 12:00 PM

OP, does your daddy have a big penis? and have you ever seen it?

Curious.

by Anonymousreply 10Last Thursday at 12:02 PM

And what does your dad smell like? We want to know what type of smell he has?

Tell us now.

by Anonymousreply 11Last Thursday at 12:03 PM

R9 Hard to come up with specifics on the spot. Most recently we were in a group waiting to tour a historic home and a rather large woman was walking as fast as she could to catch up before we went in....the guide asked if we were ready and he said “If she ever gets her fat ass up here.” Shit like that that’s just not okay for anyone who has manners.

by Anonymousreply 12Last Thursday at 12:12 PM

Sounds like he might have a personality disorder, OP. Is he perfectly normal in all other respects? Good relationships, able to hold down a job, etc?

Making totally inappropriate remarks like that repeatedly (ruling out a neurological cause) is a hallmark of some personality disorders.

by Anonymousreply 13Last Thursday at 12:17 PM

Tell him point blank "I love you but that shit is unacceptable and I will not put up with it anymore" . Then stick to that.

by Anonymousreply 14Last Thursday at 12:19 PM

I am enjoying your examples of your dad's offensive conduct. More! MORE!

by Anonymousreply 15Last Thursday at 12:22 PM

OP, I think anyone, maybe especially someone about to enter puberty, should have full awareness of the result's of their cult's misogyny. Go dad!

by Anonymousreply 16Last Thursday at 12:22 PM

Perhaps he had a stroke like Sophia Petrillo, and the part of his brain that controls inhibitions in speech was impaired.

by Anonymousreply 17Last Thursday at 12:23 PM

Let him be. You only have your parents around for a limited time. No point in changing them at this point.

by Anonymousreply 18Last Thursday at 12:24 PM

My Dad is like this too. Now people call it “ dad humor” but this isn’t funny or cute in any way. Mine will make jokes about getting his shotgun to kill the bunnies and chipmunks in the yard. And say “it’s just a joke.” It’s not funny, and has more than a bit of hostility and passive aggression. These men might be male Karen’s? They are Kens.

by Anonymousreply 19Last Thursday at 12:28 PM

Is he a fat himself?

by Anonymousreply 20Last Thursday at 12:30 PM

r19, my dad sort of got like that in his old age, except he was always threatening to shoot people, despite not owning a gun.

by Anonymousreply 21Last Thursday at 12:31 PM

I’m with r15! More stories please! Tell your dad I’d like to take him for a beer!

by Anonymousreply 22Last Thursday at 12:33 PM

Yes - this seems to happen to a lot of older straight men. I think everyone has one in their family or knows of one.

And yet, everyone is afraid to say anything to them. They can be real assholes.

There's a lot of garbage that I'm hoping will get thrown out when the older generations die.

by Anonymousreply 23Last Thursday at 12:43 PM

I always adore a good coat hanger comment.

by Anonymousreply 24Last Thursday at 12:54 PM

People will continue to act in the (shitty) manner that you accept from them, OP. By now, he definitely knows he's embarassing you and enjoys the extra attention and gets off on it. Stop hanging around with him in public so you don't have to deal with the humiliation and when he shows himself to be an idiot to you in private conversation, ignore it.

People like this make everyone's life unpleasant and then wonder why they're not included, dumped, passed over for promotion, etc. They want to be douche bags without expecting to deal with any fallout, basically.

Sorry your dad's a dick, OP.

by Anonymousreply 25Last Thursday at 12:58 PM

If this is new behaviour it could be a sign that somethings wrong (not just that he's a jerk). Frontal lobe dementia often starts with inappropriate behaviour like this. My dad always said rude (not crude) things but he knew to not do it in public, once he developed dementia that went out the window.

Hopefully he's just an ass though OP.

by Anonymousreply 26Last Thursday at 1:09 PM

Oh, I thought of one more. He said publicly that he admired North Korea for the fact that they (supposedly) dealt with their first coronavirus patients by shooting them.

R26 He’s never had a filter but the outright nastiness seems to be new within the past 12 or 13 years. He’s in his 70s.

by Anonymousreply 27Last Thursday at 1:30 PM

We're all dealing with this person 24/7. His name is Donald Trump.

by Anonymousreply 28Last Thursday at 2:00 PM

R28, exactly.

by Anonymousreply 29Last Thursday at 2:09 PM

Is your dad a DLer? He would fit right in.

by Anonymousreply 30Last Thursday at 2:31 PM

My dad used to pull shit like that. One day he said something especially outrageous and I just looked at him and said, “Jesus Christ, why would you say something like that?” He was stunned, and he toned it down a bit after that.

by Anonymousreply 31Last Thursday at 3:54 PM

R31 Maybe I’ll try that.

by Anonymousreply 32Last Friday at 4:53 AM

throw them in an old folks home and let them die of corona

by Anonymousreply 33Last Friday at 4:54 AM

Piggybacking: what about teenagers who do this? So many times I’ve wanted to say something like “And THAT is why you only have two friends.”

She does it to annoy, embarrass, and prove how worldly she is (yes, tentacle hentai, we all know about that).

Technically, someone else’s behavior shouldn’t he any reflection on you, but it’s embarrassing.

by Anonymousreply 34Last Friday at 5:19 AM

I'm so glad that you've never actually said that to her R34, I presume that's your daughter. I've found that the best way for your kid to lose interest in something is for us to take an interest in it ourselves, then it loses all its coolness.

by Anonymousreply 35Last Friday at 6:27 AM

My stepfather is a jackass. I ignore him. I don't laugh with him.

by Anonymousreply 36Last Friday at 7:02 AM

"Concern" him out of it:

"I'm worried. You say inappropriate things. And you're not a bad person so, maybe you have a brain tumor? Go see a doctor. Have you seen a doctor? Read about Phineas Gage! Seriously, I'm worried. We're all worried. Because, only a person with a brain tumor would talk as you do. Because you know, you can be funny--but you're not being funny. So why would you say these things?" Talk like a lunatic fixated on his wellness.

Keep us posted.

by Anonymousreply 37Last Friday at 7:33 AM

What works best (IMHO) is to just sit there quietly and let his words hang in the air. When he doesn’t get a response - positive or negative - he looks the fool and will stop. Hopefully.

by Anonymousreply 38Last Friday at 7:44 AM

Seriously have him talk to a doctor. Inappropriate remarks are often a sign of serious brain or encroaching personality problems. I had a family member who would make compulsive vulgar sexual remarks all the time even about his own daughter. It turned out he was molesting kids. Creeping mental illness often shows up verbally.

by Anonymousreply 39Last Friday at 7:55 AM

If he sulks and retreats, it shows he isn't just being an asshole (in which case he'd get angry and confrontational). He may not realize what he's doing and if he's sick he may be incapable of understanding what the problem is.

by Anonymousreply 40Last Friday at 7:57 AM

Probably the same way that person deals with you OP. Funny how people can't see just how crude and offensive they are.

by Anonymousreply 41Last Friday at 8:01 AM

[quote] Inappropriate remarks are often a sign of serious brain or encroaching personality problems. I had a family member who would make compulsive vulgar sexual remarks all the time even about his own daughter. It turned out he was molesting kids. Creeping mental illness often shows up verbally.

Are you a Trump, R39?

by Anonymousreply 42Last Friday at 8:09 AM

Start w what R37 suggests. If he doesnt stop, then actuallu take him to a doc.

by Anonymousreply 43Last Friday at 8:16 AM

Do you think he is on the autism spectrum? People with what they used to call Asperger's are often inappropriate due to their inability to assess social norms. Is he also obsessed with one or more subjects? Is he emotionally immature? A control freak? Socially awkward?

by Anonymousreply 44Last Friday at 8:21 AM

Has he always done this? If not, when did it start? Any big life changes recently (aside from the virus; as in, did a family member die, did he just retire, move)?

by Anonymousreply 45Last Friday at 8:35 AM

[Quote](yes, tentacle hentai, we all know about that).

We do? Are we supposed to? I did not get the memo.

by Anonymousreply 46Last Friday at 10:29 AM

I would be depressed too if my son was as boring, cowardly conventional and fearful of public opinion as you OP.

by Anonymousreply 47Last Friday at 10:44 AM

You must be really special OP.

by Anonymousreply 48Last Friday at 10:48 AM

Your dad is a cunt.

by Anonymousreply 49Last Friday at 10:59 AM

Not my parents, but several family members like that.

by Anonymousreply 50Last Friday at 11:13 AM

My mom was always a bit vulgar within the family, but pretty careful and polite in public. That began changing slowly a few years before she had a massive heart attack.

After her by-pass, the surgeon said she had multiple areas of cardiac scarring. She had had other minor, undiagnosed heart attacks. Along with this were multiple TIAs. The personality changes were disturbing, since she lost all awareness of any social limits.

Even if your dad has always been a bit of an ass, it may be getting much worse because of physical issues, as others have already mentioned.

by Anonymousreply 51Last Friday at 11:58 AM

What other non-issues humiliate you, r25?

by Anonymousreply 52Last Friday at 1:03 PM

r6, OP you dad sounds like a blast; a real tell it like it is standup guy. You are a prude oP.

by Anonymousreply 53Last Friday at 1:05 PM

My brother has always made inappropriate, tone deaf remarks. He definitely has a conscience, but he seems to lack empathy and an ability to connect with others on an emotional level. He is 64 years old and has been like that all his life. I'm starting to understand it might be a neurological problem. I'm not convinced he's an Aspie though.

When my Mom called my brother to tell him our Father was being taken from the nursing home to the hospital by ambulance, my brother said, "Do you want me to come home?" He lived a 2 hour drive away. My brother then went to a co-worker and told him about the phone call and the coworker asked him how old his Dad was, my brother said 96. He did come home a day later and laughed when he repeated the story and said his coworker gave him a weird look. My Dad died a few days later. I'm not sure why he thought the story was funny.

He also use to bring up the topic of sex or make a remark or joke about sex when around women even though he didn't know them well.

I used to get really pissed at him, now I just kind of feel sorry for him. He had a great career, but socially life as been difficult for him.

by Anonymousreply 54Last Friday at 1:24 PM
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