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How do you deal with a crude, offensive parent who thinks they’re funny?

My dad is fundamentally a good person but has a habit of making crass, offensive remarks during casual conversation that he thinks are funny but really aren’t. Not necessarily directed at anyone, just really inappropriate. If I say anything about it, he sulks and retreats. Do you deal with this situation? How do you cope?

by Anonymousreply 71September 13, 2020 5:28 PM

Punch him in the face and delete his contact information from your phone

by Anonymousreply 1May 21, 2020 7:05 PM

Tell him he's so funny he should go into stand up.

by Anonymousreply 2May 21, 2020 7:05 PM

R1 Occasionally I’m tempted.

by Anonymousreply 3May 21, 2020 7:22 PM

My brother was like this. And then he died.

Not sorry.

by Anonymousreply 4May 21, 2020 7:26 PM

I had an Uncle that was like that . When my aunt married a jewish fellow from New York he forever after called him "jew boy" . One day we were having a family get together and he said something to a friend of my cousins and that bitch chewed him a new asshole . Didnt stop him from being a dick,but it did open the gate for reacting when he was .

by Anonymousreply 5May 21, 2020 7:41 PM

R5 It’s not so much racist comments or slurs as it is just flat-out “why would you say that?” stuff. Like talking about back-alley wire coathanger abortions in front of another family member who is not only 12, but Catholic.

by Anonymousreply 6May 21, 2020 7:45 PM

12 year olds need to know history - sounds appropriate if a 12 year old Catholic expresses some ideas about abortion that they know nothing about.

by Anonymousreply 7May 21, 2020 7:48 PM

R7 The conversation had nothing to do with abortion, he just brought it up out of nowhere. I’m just using it as an example of the fact that he thinks he can say whatever, whenever, without giving a fuck. It’s rude and often embarrassing.

by Anonymousreply 8May 21, 2020 7:50 PM

More examples of said comments please, OP. If we’re going to assess we need fodder to do so.

by Anonymousreply 9May 21, 2020 8:00 PM

OP, does your daddy have a big penis? and have you ever seen it?

Curious.

by Anonymousreply 10May 21, 2020 8:02 PM

And what does your dad smell like? We want to know what type of smell he has?

Tell us now.

by Anonymousreply 11May 21, 2020 8:03 PM

R9 Hard to come up with specifics on the spot. Most recently we were in a group waiting to tour a historic home and a rather large woman was walking as fast as she could to catch up before we went in....the guide asked if we were ready and he said “If she ever gets her fat ass up here.” Shit like that that’s just not okay for anyone who has manners.

by Anonymousreply 12May 21, 2020 8:12 PM

Sounds like he might have a personality disorder, OP. Is he perfectly normal in all other respects? Good relationships, able to hold down a job, etc?

Making totally inappropriate remarks like that repeatedly (ruling out a neurological cause) is a hallmark of some personality disorders.

by Anonymousreply 13May 21, 2020 8:17 PM

Tell him point blank "I love you but that shit is unacceptable and I will not put up with it anymore" . Then stick to that.

by Anonymousreply 14May 21, 2020 8:19 PM

I am enjoying your examples of your dad's offensive conduct. More! MORE!

by Anonymousreply 15May 21, 2020 8:22 PM

OP, I think anyone, maybe especially someone about to enter puberty, should have full awareness of the result's of their cult's misogyny. Go dad!

by Anonymousreply 16May 21, 2020 8:22 PM

Perhaps he had a stroke like Sophia Petrillo, and the part of his brain that controls inhibitions in speech was impaired.

by Anonymousreply 17May 21, 2020 8:23 PM

Let him be. You only have your parents around for a limited time. No point in changing them at this point.

by Anonymousreply 18May 21, 2020 8:24 PM

My Dad is like this too. Now people call it “ dad humor” but this isn’t funny or cute in any way. Mine will make jokes about getting his shotgun to kill the bunnies and chipmunks in the yard. And say “it’s just a joke.” It’s not funny, and has more than a bit of hostility and passive aggression. These men might be male Karen’s? They are Kens.

by Anonymousreply 19May 21, 2020 8:28 PM

Is he a fat himself?

by Anonymousreply 20May 21, 2020 8:30 PM

r19, my dad sort of got like that in his old age, except he was always threatening to shoot people, despite not owning a gun.

by Anonymousreply 21May 21, 2020 8:31 PM

I’m with r15! More stories please! Tell your dad I’d like to take him for a beer!

by Anonymousreply 22May 21, 2020 8:33 PM

Yes - this seems to happen to a lot of older straight men. I think everyone has one in their family or knows of one.

And yet, everyone is afraid to say anything to them. They can be real assholes.

There's a lot of garbage that I'm hoping will get thrown out when the older generations die.

by Anonymousreply 23May 21, 2020 8:43 PM

I always adore a good coat hanger comment.

by Anonymousreply 24May 21, 2020 8:54 PM

People will continue to act in the (shitty) manner that you accept from them, OP. By now, he definitely knows he's embarassing you and enjoys the extra attention and gets off on it. Stop hanging around with him in public so you don't have to deal with the humiliation and when he shows himself to be an idiot to you in private conversation, ignore it.

People like this make everyone's life unpleasant and then wonder why they're not included, dumped, passed over for promotion, etc. They want to be douche bags without expecting to deal with any fallout, basically.

Sorry your dad's a dick, OP.

by Anonymousreply 25May 21, 2020 8:58 PM

If this is new behaviour it could be a sign that somethings wrong (not just that he's a jerk). Frontal lobe dementia often starts with inappropriate behaviour like this. My dad always said rude (not crude) things but he knew to not do it in public, once he developed dementia that went out the window.

Hopefully he's just an ass though OP.

by Anonymousreply 26May 21, 2020 9:09 PM

Oh, I thought of one more. He said publicly that he admired North Korea for the fact that they (supposedly) dealt with their first coronavirus patients by shooting them.

R26 He’s never had a filter but the outright nastiness seems to be new within the past 12 or 13 years. He’s in his 70s.

by Anonymousreply 27May 21, 2020 9:30 PM

We're all dealing with this person 24/7. His name is Donald Trump.

by Anonymousreply 28May 21, 2020 10:00 PM

R28, exactly.

by Anonymousreply 29May 21, 2020 10:09 PM

Is your dad a DLer? He would fit right in.

by Anonymousreply 30May 21, 2020 10:31 PM

My dad used to pull shit like that. One day he said something especially outrageous and I just looked at him and said, “Jesus Christ, why would you say something like that?” He was stunned, and he toned it down a bit after that.

by Anonymousreply 31May 21, 2020 11:54 PM

R31 Maybe I’ll try that.

by Anonymousreply 32May 22, 2020 12:53 PM

throw them in an old folks home and let them die of corona

by Anonymousreply 33May 22, 2020 12:54 PM

Piggybacking: what about teenagers who do this? So many times I’ve wanted to say something like “And THAT is why you only have two friends.”

She does it to annoy, embarrass, and prove how worldly she is (yes, tentacle hentai, we all know about that).

Technically, someone else’s behavior shouldn’t he any reflection on you, but it’s embarrassing.

by Anonymousreply 34May 22, 2020 1:19 PM

I'm so glad that you've never actually said that to her R34, I presume that's your daughter. I've found that the best way for your kid to lose interest in something is for us to take an interest in it ourselves, then it loses all its coolness.

by Anonymousreply 35May 22, 2020 2:27 PM

My stepfather is a jackass. I ignore him. I don't laugh with him.

by Anonymousreply 36May 22, 2020 3:02 PM

"Concern" him out of it:

"I'm worried. You say inappropriate things. And you're not a bad person so, maybe you have a brain tumor? Go see a doctor. Have you seen a doctor? Read about Phineas Gage! Seriously, I'm worried. We're all worried. Because, only a person with a brain tumor would talk as you do. Because you know, you can be funny--but you're not being funny. So why would you say these things?" Talk like a lunatic fixated on his wellness.

Keep us posted.

by Anonymousreply 37May 22, 2020 3:33 PM

What works best (IMHO) is to just sit there quietly and let his words hang in the air. When he doesn’t get a response - positive or negative - he looks the fool and will stop. Hopefully.

by Anonymousreply 38May 22, 2020 3:44 PM

Seriously have him talk to a doctor. Inappropriate remarks are often a sign of serious brain or encroaching personality problems. I had a family member who would make compulsive vulgar sexual remarks all the time even about his own daughter. It turned out he was molesting kids. Creeping mental illness often shows up verbally.

by Anonymousreply 39May 22, 2020 3:55 PM

If he sulks and retreats, it shows he isn't just being an asshole (in which case he'd get angry and confrontational). He may not realize what he's doing and if he's sick he may be incapable of understanding what the problem is.

by Anonymousreply 40May 22, 2020 3:57 PM

Probably the same way that person deals with you OP. Funny how people can't see just how crude and offensive they are.

by Anonymousreply 41May 22, 2020 4:01 PM

[quote] Inappropriate remarks are often a sign of serious brain or encroaching personality problems. I had a family member who would make compulsive vulgar sexual remarks all the time even about his own daughter. It turned out he was molesting kids. Creeping mental illness often shows up verbally.

Are you a Trump, R39?

by Anonymousreply 42May 22, 2020 4:09 PM

Start w what R37 suggests. If he doesnt stop, then actuallu take him to a doc.

by Anonymousreply 43May 22, 2020 4:16 PM

Do you think he is on the autism spectrum? People with what they used to call Asperger's are often inappropriate due to their inability to assess social norms. Is he also obsessed with one or more subjects? Is he emotionally immature? A control freak? Socially awkward?

by Anonymousreply 44May 22, 2020 4:21 PM

Has he always done this? If not, when did it start? Any big life changes recently (aside from the virus; as in, did a family member die, did he just retire, move)?

by Anonymousreply 45May 22, 2020 4:35 PM

[Quote](yes, tentacle hentai, we all know about that).

We do? Are we supposed to? I did not get the memo.

by Anonymousreply 46May 22, 2020 6:29 PM

I would be depressed too if my son was as boring, cowardly conventional and fearful of public opinion as you OP.

by Anonymousreply 47May 22, 2020 6:44 PM

You must be really special OP.

by Anonymousreply 48May 22, 2020 6:48 PM

Your dad is a cunt.

by Anonymousreply 49May 22, 2020 6:59 PM

Not my parents, but several family members like that.

by Anonymousreply 50May 22, 2020 7:13 PM

My mom was always a bit vulgar within the family, but pretty careful and polite in public. That began changing slowly a few years before she had a massive heart attack.

After her by-pass, the surgeon said she had multiple areas of cardiac scarring. She had had other minor, undiagnosed heart attacks. Along with this were multiple TIAs. The personality changes were disturbing, since she lost all awareness of any social limits.

Even if your dad has always been a bit of an ass, it may be getting much worse because of physical issues, as others have already mentioned.

by Anonymousreply 51May 22, 2020 7:58 PM

What other non-issues humiliate you, r25?

by Anonymousreply 52May 22, 2020 9:03 PM

r6, OP you dad sounds like a blast; a real tell it like it is standup guy. You are a prude oP.

by Anonymousreply 53May 22, 2020 9:05 PM

My brother has always made inappropriate, tone deaf remarks. He definitely has a conscience, but he seems to lack empathy and an ability to connect with others on an emotional level. He is 64 years old and has been like that all his life. I'm starting to understand it might be a neurological problem. I'm not convinced he's an Aspie though.

When my Mom called my brother to tell him our Father was being taken from the nursing home to the hospital by ambulance, my brother said, "Do you want me to come home?" He lived a 2 hour drive away. My brother then went to a co-worker and told him about the phone call and the coworker asked him how old his Dad was, my brother said 96. He did come home a day later and laughed when he repeated the story and said his coworker gave him a weird look. My Dad died a few days later. I'm not sure why he thought the story was funny.

He also use to bring up the topic of sex or make a remark or joke about sex when around women even though he didn't know them well.

I used to get really pissed at him, now I just kind of feel sorry for him. He had a great career, but socially life as been difficult for him.

by Anonymousreply 54May 22, 2020 9:24 PM

R40 what if he does both?

My father is like that; blows up someone’s flippant comment into a whiny argument then a yelling tirade, only to give everyone the silent treatment for days afterward. I guess he’s depressed, but I find it hard to care or feel sympathy given that he told me he didn’t care that I wanted to kill myself as a bullied depressed gay teen. I’ve stopped laughing at his jokes or acknowledging his comments unless I absolutely have to.

by Anonymousreply 55September 5, 2020 1:08 AM

You could start by not waiting for it to happen and then saying something.

You sit him down and talk with him about it when it's NOT happening. You discuss it calmly and rationally, including his inappropriate and unhelpful response to any criticism.

If he refuses to engage on the issue as an adult, rip him a fucking new one every single time he pulls this shit until he stops. But try approaching him in a reasonable way, outside of an incident actually taking place first.

by Anonymousreply 56September 5, 2020 1:22 AM

Drop to your hands and knees and pray to St. Mary, that it ain't genetic, passes quickly and you are the number 1 beneficiary of his will.

by Anonymousreply 57September 5, 2020 1:30 AM

Is orphanhood an option? (Asking for a sibling)

by Anonymousreply 58September 5, 2020 1:38 AM

There are ways.

by Anonymousreply 59September 5, 2020 1:39 AM

How old are you, OP?

by Anonymousreply 60September 5, 2020 2:36 AM

Oh, please, not another gay with daddy/mommy issue, not again.

Moommmmy... Daddyyyy... fragile gay son is not happy.... yada yada yada.....

by Anonymousreply 61September 5, 2020 2:43 AM

You have him run for President.

That'll keep him out of your way for a while.

by Anonymousreply 62September 5, 2020 2:50 AM

Tips for keeping PTSD/BPD old men at a safe distance when forced to live with or near them?

by Anonymousreply 63September 13, 2020 11:11 AM

So don't hang out with him in public anymore. And please don't tell me you're one of those "I live with my elderly mother whom I take care of" types and can't avoid it. He can drag himself around on his walker or what have you until he learns to behave.

by Anonymousreply 64September 13, 2020 12:08 PM

r55 you just described my father. He says nasty things, and people ignore him, so he'll keep saying nastier and nastier things and then we blow up at him and tell him to shut the fuck up, and then he gets all wounded.

I don't get it. I think he's definitely an Aspie, but it would help to get a diagnosis.

by Anonymousreply 65September 13, 2020 12:23 PM

My parents were never verbally crude, but they constantly came out with offensive racist comments and stereotypes. My father had a particular problem with white women marrying black men.

They became very defensive when challenged on this, and seemed to enjoy goading me. The worst stunt my mother ever pulled when was when I took my Jewish boyfriend home to meet my family. She had made a platter of ham sandwiches. I was speechless. She couldn’t plead ignorance as she had grown up with Jewish neighbours, and worked for Jewish employers. My boyfriend to his credit dealt with it calmly.

by Anonymousreply 66September 13, 2020 12:25 PM

There is no cure for lack of humor, OP. Your only option is to embrace and really grow entwined with that big stick up your arse.

by Anonymousreply 67September 13, 2020 1:46 PM

OP: Describes Datalounge as his dad.

DL: OMG, what a misogynistic tool, he has to have a personality disorder! This kind of "humor" us not funny, it's aggression and literal violence. Hope this type of old c unts dies off soon!

AHEM.

Aaaa-HEM!!!!

by Anonymousreply 68September 13, 2020 3:27 PM

A classic, but still very effective:

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 69September 13, 2020 3:32 PM

I've cancelled my family members like this. I'd rather be alone than with toxic people. If you are over 18 and a legal adult, you are free to include or exclude whomever you wish from your life, OP.

by Anonymousreply 70September 13, 2020 3:52 PM

My mother was a compulsive talker with absolutely no filter. She kept up a running stream of consciousness practically every waking hour. She had no concept that her spoken thoughts were insulting or wounding, especially to a small child. She was very beautiful, clever and lively, so she got away with it. Toward the end of her life though, many people resented her.

by Anonymousreply 71September 13, 2020 5:28 PM
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