Why do abused people tend to sabatoge themselves?

Sometimes we feel we don’t deserve better and so we reflexively sabotage whatever progress we do make.

It's often a question of self-esteem or distrust. They feel that they don't deserve to have good things, because they see themselves as insufficient and damaged, or they don't trust the good things, because they have learned at a young age that affection and attention always comes with a price.

My therapist used to say that some people are comfortable being uncomfortable.

Frankly, it's shocking how many people I know who fill that bill. I was one of them, but after a while, I broke the cycle.

How does someone get over that, R2?

What R2 said AND, many have deep seated anger, and don't realize it. So, they vent that anger inward.

How did you break it, R3?

R2 is so insightful.

it's a combination of subconsciously believing we deserve to be garbage and also not having developed skills to do things in a Healthy manner because we have not seen that at the age of those types of things being imprinted on us.

R4, long and hard work in therapy, breaking old behavioral patterns, is one way to deal with it. Another would be serious meditation practice, especially Mettā (i.e., loving kindness) meditation, to learn acceptance, letting go of the past, and self-love.

If you grow up with abusive parents who treat you like shit, you don't notice let alone realize that everyone is treating you like shit. And you encourage people to continue to treat you like shit by rewarding them, behaving kindly toward them while they continue to treat you like shit. It took me 20+ years of talk therapy to get to obtain the aforementioned insight, realize that there is no reward for being kind to people who treat you like shit and, finally, to stop rewarding people for treating me like shit.

With regard to my answer in R9, I would like to add: When going for psychotherapy, look into schema therapy, which seems promising here.

[quote]because they have learned at a young age that affection and attention always comes with a price.

Absofuckinglutely spot on R2!!

What R10 said.

You first have to face whatever it is that you’ve been avoiding about yourself and your experiences. This is very difficult to do because most people aren’t aware of what they’re avoiding or “blocking”. This the make or break point, right at the very beginning of the journey.

If you don’t make it past this threshold, you will continue to relapse, to return to old ways of thinking, feeling and being regardless of your desire to “break the cycle”. The hard work comes first. Know YOURSELF.

After, it’s all about relearning and reconditioning.

Some of your answers are more helpful than the awkward, naked feelings of confiding in a therapist.

I highly recommend talk therapy. But I'm here to tell you. The worst, the absofuckinglutely WORST part of talk therapy is not retelling and reliving the abuse, the pain, the confusion. It's the insight, realizing the whys and wherefores of your behaviour, what was done, and its lifelong affect.

^^^ realizing, and FINALLY UNDERSTANDING ^^^

All humans are self-sabotaging creatures, but that habit gets even worse in people with incredibly low self esteems.

R16, I tried but I can't do it. I read too much into the therapists eyes glazing over. Into the looks at the watch. The best ones I've dealt with have been from NYC. Something about their directness puts me at ease but I can't afford their rates.

I would

Yo mama so ugly, she’s her own Halloween costume!

Another thing I don't get: it's often said that people who have been sexually abused tend to become oversexualized and promiscuous. But wouldn't it be more logical for them to avoid sexual encounters? When an abuse victim acts and dresses 'slutty', has lots of random hook-ups etc., do they enjoy the sex and the attention? Or is it a form of self-punishment, a way of re-living the abuse? Do they have a self-perception where serving others sexually is their primary purpose of living?

R22 I think a lot of that may be trying to gain control of sexual situations, when you never had it before.

R22 You can't rape the willing. If you up the ante and become even more sexually aggressive than your rapist, then you can't be harmed. You can control people with the sex and then chop their dicks off.

I always thought it would be an interesting story to read about a Dexter like vigilante prostitute that was so emotionally impervious to pain she could lure men for sex and then murder them. Her story would be coming to terms that she's a psychopath, but making up for it by killing pedophiles, rapists and other high collar white crime men, or women. We've never really seen a female psychopath that is in control and not crazy.