A DL situation - Help me decide who is in the wrong.

Really? You aren't to to post the actual comment? How can we give you feedback if you are going to hide what it is that made him upset?

OP, he's simply an ungrateful cunt, who believes, that you believe, on some level you are better than him.

I would surmise that he believes you were kind out of pity, and in his warped view of the world the insults were reminding him of just how weak and helpless he really was.

He's probably found a new group of friends, who he doesn't want you to have contact with, to remind him of how terrible his life was and how much you helped him.

Based on your account, you are a wonderfully kind and generous person, and accomplished enough to spend money on your friends.

Don't let it sink you into cynicism, but at least you'll be more aware of where to set your financial boundaries.

TL:DR : he's a cunt, you're fabulous. Move on. Don't ever let him back in your life.

So you’re british OP and I know the culture is slightly different there than here. I know people there aren’t as surfacy-warm as they are here but once they make friends it’s a bit deeper.

So my suggestion is just go over what you wrote just a bit to see if, well, maybe he has a point? Maybe you took it a bit too far this time?

I’m not suggesting you surrender, just give it a hard objective stare. My reason? You obviously want him in your life. You’ve worked hard to maintain the relationship and now here you are lamenting its end. I myself have ended friendships that weren’t “fair” and regarding more than a few, I wish I hadn’t. Life isn’t always about fairness.

R1 - the comment

his first was "real men don't wear make-up" in response to a picture.

I responded "real men don't sweat Crisco"

then he blocked me, called me mean and ended our friendship

Is he a fatty? So you were making a fat joke?

OP, he did you a great favor by ending your friendship. Count your blessings and move on. You’re going to have more friends. He sounds like a complete lunatic.

OP, you asked for help. I'm going to offer my advice. Cauterize, then heal. Cut your losses. Over time he has bulldozed you with his bullshit. He's good at this. What's happened here is he slipped, and revealed his true colours. If you divert your attention from the present, and look backward or sideways at this traffic mess, the cycle will start over again.

I know it's weird to have somebody erase you from your life. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I also suggest you do something that may sound a little weird. But I'm a Thick Yank, so we're all weird to youze guys. You need to vent about this. So, either keep a journal, and set aside a half hour at the same time every day to record your thoughts. Also, you're going to have impulsive thoughts about this initially.

Is your husband OK with you to just text these random thoughts to him? That way you've been able to purge it without it going down the wrong alley and potentially harming you, as in posting it on social media. I don't and never will have a Facebook account. But when someone blocks you can they look at your profile? You might consider going offline for a week or two. The final thing I'd recommend is getting thoroughly ratted... just kidding. I was gonna say if you have health insurance, but you've got NHS. Make an appointment with a mental health counselor to talk about this.

You may not think professional help is in order, but you'll find later on it was a brilliant idea. As is my entire post [don't mind me, it's far too early to be modest]. Above all, take care of yourself first; your former friend is just that; a former friend. Good luck and please post back to let us know; I'd like to be kept informed of your progress.

Cheers

r5 no - just really shiny in pictures

That sounds completely consistent with the relationship you described previously so I doubt that particular comment is really what caused it. Is it possible that the friend’s husband has some other problem with your friendship? Just thinking that sometimes significant others feel threatened by close friendships if they feel their mate’s friend is a potential romantic rival. In any case, his loss because you sound like an excellent friend, one that anyone would love to have.

r9 he is not married, single -- at least as far as I know and his last relationship ended well and we are still friends with his ex, as is he. Honestly, I have no idea and i can't even attempt to apologize because he has cut off all contact. He won't even contact my husband who he has not blocked.

OP, sorry. I see now, he told YOUR husband he couldn’t be friends, very weird! Is it possible he has feelings for you? I feel like there is something much bigger at play than a silly joke that is completely consistent with the tone of your whole friendship.

The same exact thing happened to me, it’s shocking and heartbreaking. But I found out that it is apparently not that unusual. I’m so sorry, sweetheart, that really sucks.

R11 yeah I doubt he is into me, he has a type - young twinks. We are the same age and I am not a twink lol. I mean I know I am a dick but so do all my friends. All someone has to do is say "you know what that really hurt my feelings" and I would apologize and pull back the snark. It was never that way with him. He was just as much of a dick and he has another friend who is just plain evil to him and they are still friends to this day. I just don't get it.

I have two friends who I wish would drop me. They may be somewhat similar to your ex-friend. They never ask me how I'm doing and only talk about themselves. They have been nice to me over the years but I've stopped engaging them (calling or texting them) and remain polite when we talk or text - when they initiate the conversation.

OP - it seems that you're still healing from this loss. Move on and enjoy your life.

You never know, OP. Similar thing happened to me, I’m not a dick but would not have thought I was my friend’s type AT ALL. Yet he randomly destroyed the friendship because it was never, ever coming out of the friend zone, and he knew it. I think some kind of strong feelings (possibly ones he’d never admit to) are behind it. Maybe he hates that you are married or resents that relationship, also pretty common among friendships that are close. He might feel left out or want something with you that can’t happen. In any case, he should have acted like an adult and told you what was going on. Even if he wanted to end the friendship, he kinda owed you an explanation given that you were close friends for a long time.

I know it hurts, I’m so sorry. :(

OP, I think you’ll be a better person without this friendship. Seems like you’ve both outgrown it and the dynamic between you seems a bit toxic. You and your husband have been loyal to this person but it’s time to move on and forge more mature relationships going forward. Ultimately, you have to take responsibility for your own behaviour so remember that going forward - communicating affection through steady snark was always going to end badly. Be more of your true self going fwd and don’t let other people define who you are.

I thought friendships were so "90's " anyway.

Yeah, I have pretty much accepted it but my husband gets sad when he thinks of our friendship and how we won't talk to each other. I explained to him he is perfectly capable of contacting you, he never ended your friendship but he doesn't.

Four months is nothing at your age.

Wait a while, then reach out again. Be sure to apologize.

OP, since he is in contact with your husband still, can your husband ask your former friend if he would be willing to hear your side of things?

If you reach out in that way, and he still refuses, then I think the friendship is indeed over. But at least you will know you tried.

😴 Whenever anyone utters the words "Long Story Short" you just know what's next.

r20 a long fucking story lol - I tired to keep it short trust me I could have written a novel LOL>

It's possible that his *ahem* dewy complexion has been a sore spot for a while and you just happened to hit it. Had you made fun of his *cough cough* youthful glow before?

You're also at an age where you stop being bitchy to people. No one really wants it, especially on line.

Your fault for being on Facebook, you deserve it for being a deplorable on FB. Just saying.

Al this cuz you said he looks like "sweats crisco?" I thought it was a veiled reference to fisting. I mean who even knows what crisco is anymore? something sounds off

He will reach out to your husband or you the next time he needs money or a favor, OP. He's a user and you let him use you. If you actually miss having a 'friend' like that, please do go chasing after his loser ass.

Personally, I think both you and your husband ought to move onto people and friends who aren't going to soak you.

Trust me, he WILL be back for something. We, as a whole people, are concerned about appearances in public. I guarantee you that if you were to see him in the store with your husband, he'll walk right up and speak to the both of you. However, when you probably try to talk to him on your own, he'll first allow it, then sit there and call you out for what you did and say that's why you aren't friends and will never be ever again. I know it because I'm going through it myself.

But to block you over the fact that you mentioned Crisco is so banal and vapid. He should have simply asked you to clarify what you meant OR laugh along with you. We all know that Crisco is used for two things: cooking and sex (fisting, fucking, etc.). I would have laughed in the comment posting to show you were joking.

It’s probably for the best. What sticks out to me is the thing when people say mean things to each other and claim there are no hard feelings, that’s just the way they relate to each other. I always feel that it’s some passive-aggressive shit. Maybe I’m just uptight, but I don’t think that people who care about each other should make jabs. Like the Barones on “Everybody Loves Raymond”. They’re terrible to each other but it’s just the way they “show love”. It’s okay until it’s not.

But as I said, it’s for the best.

He might reach the breaking point of being a deathfat and probably having congestive heart failure, and you were barking a fat joke at him. He might have croaked by now. SAD!!!

He might reach the breaking point of being a deathfat and probably having congestive heart failure, and you were barking a fat joke at him. He might have croaked by now. SAD!!!

OP, you claim that you've been taking the piss out of each other for years and that there were no hard feelings, well, possibly there were on his part. And he didn't say, because he didn't want to be thought of as a wimp, or whatever his reasons were.

Call him, ask him if you can talk about the sort of humor you've been exchanging, see if you can talk things out.

He's after your man, honey! Watch your back!

The husband and this trollop are in it TOGETHER!!

He probably always liked your husband better and merely tolerated you. Then you went and publicly insulted him and it was clearly the last straw. You've been punched and deleted.

What r34 said. He probably liked your husband all along and didn’t like you, especially since you admitted you have a snarky, bitchy “sense of humor”. Not everyone thinks constant snark is hilarious, and sometimes when people hit their limit, they don’t want to go back. Sounds like he hit his limit with you.

It sounds like you didn’t like him that much either though, so maybe it’s for the best.

Who the fuck is still on Facebook??

did you do crisco parties together in the '70s OP?

R21 If you weren't gay, I'd introduce you to my sister. She could talk the wooden leg off of a pirate.

I have a friend from college who thinks it's funny to insult people--he has no sense of boundaries. He finally did it to me once too often and too cruelly (he prides himself on how fit he is, and he mocked me for not going to the gym as much as he does), and that was my breaking point. We didn't speak for a year, and though we eventually made up, we will never be at the same level of friendship again.

He was Just never That Into You.

Let him go.

People say a lot of truth under the guise of ‘joking.’ You two probably didn’t really like each other that much.

I'm with R28 on this one.

People's senses of humor change with age. Maybe he didn't care about "taking the piss" kind of comments when he was a teenager, but as a grown man, he might think he wants to be spoken to with a little more dignity?

This was probably the last straw is a series of things that have bothered him for some time.

You don't have to feel that one of you is "in the wrong." One of you is acting outside of the "social contract" of what your friendship is the other person.

Please read this article carefully. It's about romantic relationships but you can easily adapt it to your situation. I completely agree that the FB comment wasn't the reason your user "friend" ghosted you, it was just the excuse. Did you refuse him a favour/deny him something/acquire something special that might have ignited his jealousy?

The OP is the one who claims to know for certain that Zachary Levi is gay but won't tell us how he knows.

Fake story here, too.

Teaching moment for us all here: Telling old Joan Rivers' jokes is no way to maintain a friendship.

Don't forget to tip your waiters

Maybe it's just time for the friendship to end. He blocked/deleted you. Send him a text via your husband's phone apologize for hurting his feelings and if he doesn't want to forgive you let him go. Bye bitch bye

Plot revenge.

The fact that he told your husband and not you smacks of an asshole. And why is your husband still in communication with this man??

Tell us more about Zach Levi's homosexuality that you know of for certainty, OP!

r50 - he is gay, would you like a drawing of him sucking a dick?...and jesus stalk much?

The humor was always there - it's called taking the piss out of each other - and I know when I cross a line. Maybe he was feeling fat? I dunno he is not. Maybe he was feeling self-conscious, I dunno? He won't respond and at this point, I am so pissed off he can just cut me off like that I no longer care. Like I said I looked back at the friendship and realized it was one-sided. All the effort was on my/our part. I think he just does not give a fuck.

Tell us more about Zach. He'll never know, nor will your friend that you drove away.

[quote] The humor was always there - it's called taking the piss out of each other - and I know when I cross a line.

Obviously you do not, since you've claimed your in this situation with this guy you hurt.

Moreover, YOU are absolutely not the person who gets to decide whether or not you crossed the line with him. Remember that.

[quote] at this point, I am so pissed off he can just cut me off like that I no longer care.

Then why did you waste everyone's time by creating this thread?

It sounds like you have very little self-knowledge.

[quote]It sounds like you have very little self-knowledge.

But he DOES have intimate knowledge of Zachary Levi's homosexuality!

dammit I forgot rule #1 - don't feed the trolls, (or stalkers)

OP are you "collinboy"? The 70 old geezer trying to pass off as a 29 old failing sugar baby.

r56 no I am a 45 year old geezer passing myself off as a 45 year old geezer.

The more accurate title of this thread would have been “Tell me I was right! Stroke my ego! Validate me!”

Sorry this happened to you, OP, but you are better off without him. You've been friends with him how many years and he can't bother to discuss why he's angry and wants you out of his life? He owes you that, but he's taking the drama queen route by burning one bridge (and dragging your husband into it). Look forward, not back.

OP: My heart goes out to you. Agree with R 1. I know how painful these losses can be. When my husband left me after a long term relationship, I lost two of my best friends.

The reasons are now irrelevant. If you open your heart, soul and home to a friend for several years, and they ghost you, there is no justification and no going back.

I wasted time and energy replaying all events in my head to find a reason. I never did and if I had , it wouldn’t have mattered .

You are a kind, dear man and this vile thing has so many inner issues and problems, this is the only way he knew to react.

[quote] He never had a lot of money so most times I would pay for him. Drinks, dinner, even the trips I would buy his plane ticket. I took a job in another city but we remained friends. We would constantly go back and visit him. Once he graduated college (he was on the 10-year plan lol) he got a decent job, a house all that. His house caught fire one night (he was not home) but he lost a lot of his things so we drove down that weekend to bring him everything he needed, a TV, pots, pans, dishes, silverware.

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to get a fix on the situation but did he ask you to do any of this or were you just doing what you thought a friend should do?

[quote]So - on to what had happened. Facebook, he would post pics and I would comment, some nice, some snarky. same for me. This last post he posted a pic and I made a snarky comment, he snarked back I loled and figured that was it. Next thing I know he disappears from my feed and my husband says "he just texted me and said you are mean we can't be friends anymore"

Whatever happened between you two didn't happen because of what you've said. It's been a long time coming. There's obviously some issue he has with you that's been boiling under the surface for a while and he A.) hasn't told you or B.) has tried to tell you and you didn't get it.

However, if he didn't do something as simple as sit down and write out his actual issues with you then there's no point in trying to salvage the friendship. Friendships have their ups and downs but if there is a problem people talk. You don't just throw away 23 years without an actual formal conversation about it.

[quote]Then I started reviewing the friendship. Never once has he come to visit us, we always had to see him. He never called us, we called him, looking back it was really a one-sided effort ....

From what you've said it seems like he spent "10 years" in school, never had any money during it and then lost his house and worldly possessions. How much of that was he up to traveling to see you without having the finances to do so?

[quote]So do I try to reach out or just chalk it up as a loss, because after 4 months he has not even reached out to my husband who he did not block and supposidly remained friends.

I'd chalk it up to a loss because he won't talk to you about it BUT if he is still friends or the gate is open for your husband (and you've mentioned he's friends with your husband) then the problem is with you and not him.

R7, aka: Zemen W., PLEASE marry me! Or let’s be roommates.

I love how healthy you are inside- where it really counts.

OP, this sounds really off. That’s not normal.

You will be OK. Some people don’t know how to say what matters, why, and when it matters. They allow tiny little things build up. Jokes become slights, when they don’t need you anymore, and I suspect this is what happened. He grew in a different direction, as he became more financially self reliant, and once that happened, he no longer needed you to pay for vacations, etc.

It’s not that he used you, it’s that he no longer needed your help, or generosity, and he also had most likely, been carrying a small chip on his shoulder, regarding the power imbalance in the relationship, and perhaps, even took some barbs from you, that you thought were sardonic, comical exchanges between two good mates.

You will probably have to let this one go. It gets better, and eventually, new people come in, bringing new life, new ideas, and new laughter.

Best of luck, OP.

[quote]I have a friend from college who thinks it's funny to insult people--he has no sense of boundaries.

I know a 62 year old who is still like this, and I dread every time I see him. It’s non-stop smartass “funny” remarks.

Less Don Rickles, more Fred Rogers.

I don't know OP. I would read "and some people sweat Crisco" to mean that they are so fat that instead of water, oil seeps out of them when they sweat. When I googled sweat Crisco, I got a reference to green Berets hating on Michael Moore for a comment he made and calling him a "mouth-breathing, Crisco sweating waste of space" . If I were fat, that comment might really hurt my feelings. I think calling someone queeny is somewhat hurtful (the makeup comment), but probably on a 1-10 scale, I'd call a queeny comment a 3 vs. a 10 of a fat comment.

However, people who use the silent treatment as a punishment are almost by definition passive-aggressive personalities, and I shy well away from them, because that's a trait that doesn't go away . If I were on the receiving end of a really hurtful comment, my first response would be to reach out and say, "that was really hurtful. It wasn't funny and I don't appreciate it" . Then I'd wait for an apology. If an apology is not forthcoming, THEN I might say, "you know what, I think maybe we're better off not remaining friends, because you really hurt my feelings and you don't seem to care".

OP, you're a man (not a woman), right? Only reason I can think of for getting upset over the Crisco comment is if OP and husband are hetero and making fun of gays (Crisco for gay sex).

OP, ask yourself, if you met this person today, would you want to start up a friendship with him? I'm guessing the answer is no.

I really don't think this requires therapy (and I usually advocate for therapy).

This friendship was lopsided with OP doing a lot of giving and the friend doing a lot of taking. I would move on.

Something feels really off with the story including your husband's behavior. I thought you all were twinks but 45 seems a little old for this level of drama on Facebook of all places. I agree with R34 or whoever said he might have feelings for your husband and perhaps vice versa? I'm not married, but wouldn't your husband just block him and call it a day since he is acting crazy. Is your husband stirring the pot here?

Has he tried to speak to you about this? Sometimes people get told and told not to be so snarky and bitchy and they still refuse to believe they're the problem. Maybe he told you and you didn't listen.

Again, if you want to salvage the friendship, then go for it, but if you're happy to let it go, then let it go.

Whether or not you are actually told and listen to this, it's a very safe assumption that anyone who visits here on a regular basis should consider themselves too snarky and bitchy in real life.

I had a friend through high school and college that believed I ghosted him. He also did a lot for me that I didn't particularly ask for but I was grateful.

We used to make fun of each other back and forth when we were younger but as we got older I wanted him to stop. It just seemed silly. I tried to tell him explicitly one day and he threw something he did for me (pick me up from the middle of nowhere when I was abandoned there by my friend who hooked up with a girl) back in my face. I left it alone for a while. A few years after college it was still continuing.

So I told him to stop a few more times while also commenting back to him in response to his "snark" but I was never the one that initiated comments after a while. It was always him. I was always on the defensive.

Then one day we were sitting around with a few friends (some new ones of mine too), I said something people thought was funny, he made fun of it in front of everyone and that was it. I just cut him off.

It became apparent to me that he'd never listen to me when I was telling him to stop being a dickhead because I tried and he just wouldn't take it seriously.

The stuff he did that was good didn't outweigh the fact that he made me feel bad about myself. I stayed friends with all of the friends I made through him however because even THEY had commented to me over the last couple of years of our friendship that they didn't know why he was such an ass to me.

Real men don’t wear make up does it seem to be anything other than a position. But I guess you told him he was a lady. So I would just say bye-bye.

OP should re-read R70.

[quote]I thought you all were twinks but 45 seems a little old for this level of drama on Facebook of all places.

That's the only thing that rings right here. Only the eldergays are still on Facebook.

Its something about the parties. Are you parties to sophisticated in taste, or extravagant in qualit? Are they too trash? Is the friend social climb when he is with you, or slumming? And now, upping the ante to a friends holiday. Does everyone have qual funds an if not does everyone have equal power for choosing the venue, the food, the night life, and the entraining activities.

R74, are you drunk?

WTF?

r72 OP here - I read it. Thing is I know I can be a smart ass, but I can also read people. Second I cross a line I will apologize and stop. WHe you cultivate friendships you know how far you can and cannot go. To the other posters iwth questions - he did not lose his house, it caught fire but was contained. Let me give you a LSS to sum up the friendship,

That weekend we drove down I rented a truck we took furniture, a couch, and a 50 inch tv from our bedroom (the fire was in his living room, he lost most of what we brought) and set him up in his den, spent the weekend cleaning up the damage etc and keeping him in good spirits. He is a tv/movie junkie I knew the TV would be the most important thing to him. Cut to a year later. Insurance has paid out, the damage is repaired and the room is full of new furniture and new tv. I asked him what he did with all the stuff that was there, he sold it. Fucking sold all the stuff we brought down, including the TV. I never said a word but my husband could tell I was wound up. We left to go to our hotel and freshen up and change before taking him out to dinner and the second I am in the car Hubby says "He sold all our fucking stuff!" "I looked at him amazed he got it, then took a deep breath and said "well we never said it was a loan." Laughed it off and never brought it up to him.