Doesn't it give you a chill to know they've gone back out, to jails, institutions and certain death?
When members suddenly disappear from your AA meeting
by Anonymous | reply 155 | February 2, 2020 4:45 PM |
No. Because jails, institutions, and death are not the only options. Many people are just fine without AA’s dogmatic bullshit. AA doesn’t work.
by Anonymous | reply 1 | December 3, 2019 2:42 PM |
Not all alcoholics need to go to AA forever. If you’ve got a good support network around you and enough willpower to stay sober then why would you bother? x
by Anonymous | reply 2 | December 3, 2019 2:46 PM |
There's a guy I haven't seen in meetings for about a month. He used to be a greeter, and he no longer shows up. I'm thinking of having lunch where he works and sitting in his section. I don't know. It seems intrusive. Yet maybe it would help him.
by Anonymous | reply 3 | December 3, 2019 2:47 PM |
[QUOTE] I'm thinking of having lunch where he works and sitting in his section.
MARY!
by Anonymous | reply 4 | December 3, 2019 2:49 PM |
People do have their schedules or addresses change.
by Anonymous | reply 5 | December 3, 2019 2:52 PM |
When someone disappears from one of our meetings, we do get concerned and start talking amongst ourselves.
by Anonymous | reply 6 | December 3, 2019 2:55 PM |
I hate to admit this, but I’m secretly happy when this happens. I see it as a testament to my sober staying power. I beat them, if that makes sense. It makes me feel I’m stronger and motivates me to keep going. 💪
by Anonymous | reply 7 | December 3, 2019 2:56 PM |
Thank you, r4. That's what I was afraid of.
Yet he is someone I used to talk to at every meeting. It might not be that weird. IDK. I don't eat there regularly, OTOH.
by Anonymous | reply 8 | December 3, 2019 2:57 PM |
OP, what did you do to offend them?
by Anonymous | reply 9 | December 3, 2019 2:59 PM |
Maybe they finally realized how stupid Bill Wilson was.
by Anonymous | reply 11 | December 3, 2019 3:09 PM |
I started going to AA at 17. It was part of a court ordered program. I had been abused as a child, witnessed violence and my father was alcoholic.
Anyway, the amount of men there who stared at me during meetings and attempted to manipulate me into giving them sex was staggering. Never the less, I continued going, off and on, for the next twelve years.
During this time, I watched as many came and went. Many of them died.
One who ended up dying was the fifty three year old man who offered to mentor me when I was just a naive, confused and hurting teen, looking for a "father figure". We ended up having a relationship and he became an unbearable prick. I left him. He went and got drunk.
Police found him unconscious in a park. He had esophageal cancer, apparently. He died later in the ICU. His estranged sister was the only family member who showed up to the hospital. I saw his obituary and reached out to her on Facebook.
She told me she went to his dilapidated apartment to clean it out. They had no service for him. He had no friends left, no family who cared for him, apparently. Hardly any belongings. Just a pathetic existence.
by Anonymous | reply 12 | December 3, 2019 3:15 PM |
R12 Are you a boy or are you a girl?
by Anonymous | reply 13 | December 3, 2019 3:17 PM |
It’s a self- selecting group. If you’re perfectly able to stay alcohol free without the cult, why on earth would you go back to tell them so ?
My mental and emotional health are just as precious as my physical health. Just as I would not consider having a surgeon operate on me whose only textbook was written in the 1930s, neither do I consider it sensible to consign my mental well-being to a bunch of amateurs chanting dogmatic nonsense.
I would never advocate it to anyone. It destroys marriages and lives in just the same way alcohol addiction does. No stats are available on success rates as far as I am aware. I was touched up in meetings too, and some of the more approachable guys warned me who to avoid.
In one meeting I attended a young woman was raped by an appalling sleazeball old timer. It turned out he bought her alcohol, visited her at her home and then assaulted her. It was hushed up and she was encouraged not to report it. People were advised to come off all their prescribed meds. It was utter insanity and damaged me just as much as the alcohol had done, albeit in rather subtler ways.
As for the AA is everywhere- what bullshit. I moved hundreds of miles away for career progression and was completely blind sided to be not just not welcomed, but practically shunned at the local groups in my new home town. I realised then how naive I had been, and never went back.. Still sober decades later.
by Anonymous | reply 14 | December 3, 2019 3:37 PM |
Who wants to hang out in a church basement with a bunch of drunks?
by Anonymous | reply 15 | December 3, 2019 3:42 PM |
R15 - I do it once a month to feel better about myself. I’ve never been around bigger losers and heard more horrific testimonials. You seriously can’t make that shit up.
by Anonymous | reply 16 | December 3, 2019 3:49 PM |
[QUOTE] Anyway, the amount of men there who stared at me during meetings and attempted to manipulate me into giving them sex was staggering. Never the less, I continued going, off and on, for the next twelve years.
Were these gay meetings?
by Anonymous | reply 17 | December 3, 2019 3:50 PM |
[QUOTE] Anyway, the amount of men there who stared at me during meetings and attempted to manipulate me into giving them sex was staggering. Never the less, I continued going, off and on, for the next twelve years.
Were these gay meetings?
by Anonymous | reply 18 | December 3, 2019 3:50 PM |
[QUOTE] As for the AA is everywhere- what bullshit. I moved hundreds of miles away for career progression and was completely blind sided to be not just not welcomed, but practically shunned at the local groups in my new home town.
Why were you not welcomed? Did you do something to piss them off?
by Anonymous | reply 19 | December 3, 2019 3:52 PM |
R19 - I have no idea why. I did my best to fit in, not least as I felt very invested at that point and wanted to be part of my new community but honestly I was shunned. It was devastating.
by Anonymous | reply 20 | December 3, 2019 4:04 PM |
We have found that some members try to turn AA into a kind of Social Registry. Particularly fraus and those who don't have a good drunkalogue.
by Anonymous | reply 21 | December 3, 2019 4:06 PM |
Am no Frau, but yeah my drunkalogue wasn’t exactly riveting. Maybe that was the reason...
by Anonymous | reply 22 | December 3, 2019 4:13 PM |
AA is successful for between 5% and 10% of it's members. It's a cult and not particularly effective one.
by Anonymous | reply 23 | December 3, 2019 4:19 PM |
God never gave us more vodka than we could handle.
by Anonymous | reply 24 | December 3, 2019 5:36 PM |
Would it have killed you to have at least posted a picture or link OP? Would it? I mean would that have really been so hard? Would it? Why don’t you try to think more of others next time before you post? What's your problem? I mean really, what's your damn problem?
by Anonymous | reply 25 | December 3, 2019 9:15 PM |
R25 - please stop with these ones of posts. They are getting really tedious.
by Anonymous | reply 26 | December 3, 2019 9:20 PM |
Thank you R14 I'm been sober for 10 years without AA. I went to my first meeting 12 years ago and immediately left and got wasted. If it was booze or the utter depressive atmosphere of AA, I was going to stay a drunk. My self esteem was already rock bottom from childhood abuse. The last thing I needed to be told was that I was fundamentally broken and had "defects of character". I got sober with LifeRing, therapy and simply learned to love and accept myself. If you have to go to meetings daily/weekly you are still an addict - you just have a different addiction. AA is a cult.
by Anonymous | reply 27 | December 3, 2019 10:22 PM |
The best sex pickups are at AA meetings. Everyone knows that.
by Anonymous | reply 28 | December 3, 2019 11:09 PM |
Why does someone come on here and feel so triggered to continuously do the anti AA post? I mean, I'm not necessarily pro AA but it just seems like there is some angry AA queen that keeps coming back on here again and again and going off on the AA. I mean, a normal person would just be like, I'm not into this and move on.
by Anonymous | reply 29 | December 3, 2019 11:46 PM |
[quote] R29: I mean, a normal person would just be like, I'm not into this and move on.
They’re not normal, R29. Though, I prefer the word “healthy” rather than normal.
by Anonymous | reply 30 | December 4, 2019 1:28 AM |
It’s multiple people posting R29
by Anonymous | reply 31 | December 4, 2019 1:32 AM |
OP, the one time I went to AA, they had a printout the gave me, with everyone's first names and their phone numbers (if they chose to share that information). Do you have one of those? Could you just call the guy and check on him? That would be a nice thing to do.
by Anonymous | reply 32 | December 4, 2019 1:39 AM |
R3 is an OCD alcoholic stalker.
by Anonymous | reply 33 | December 4, 2019 1:40 AM |
I like the stories from the big book, but AA was never going to work for me. I can't remember the blurb but isn't it something like being powerless of alcohol and powerless of the higher power, so zero free will. I went some meetings but found my own way that didn't mean being completely focused on booze which was making me worse.
by Anonymous | reply 34 | December 4, 2019 1:57 AM |
r32, I remeber that..OP should use that as any on the list would probably know.
by Anonymous | reply 35 | December 4, 2019 2:01 AM |
I am from the Croatia ok? What is AA? Is this recovery from doing the anal so much times?
by Anonymous | reply 36 | December 4, 2019 2:12 AM |
Anal anxiety..there are group meetings about it.
by Anonymous | reply 37 | December 4, 2019 3:56 AM |
I thought that was [italic]Anally Annihilated Anonymous[/italic] (?)
by Anonymous | reply 38 | December 4, 2019 5:16 AM |
I was never an AA member, though I went to a meetings now and then for several years. I wasn't really an alcoholic, because I never liked alcohol.
I was a drug addict, however, and I got clean at NA meetings in NY. When I moved across the country for work, I was amazed to discover the meetings were very homophobic, so I stopped going completely. Now weed is legal in my state and I smoke pot all the time. I love it.
The point is, in NA, when people go out they often do die. I had several close friends who had been clean for years, they disappear suddenly and a few days they are discovered dead of an OD. This was before everyone had cell phones, so it wasn't unusual for people not to answer their phones, because everyone had a land line.
One close friend disappeared and when he was found, his corpse was a black, bloated unidentifiable mess. They called one of our friends whose number was near his phone, and he had to go look. He recognized the watch on the guy's arm, but nothing else was recognizable.
by Anonymous | reply 39 | December 4, 2019 5:52 AM |
by Anonymous | reply 40 | December 4, 2019 6:24 AM |
It's weird, right? This dude (I think it was a dude), disappeared from our group, and then a year later, I turn on my TV, and he (I think it's he) is starring on some queer makeover show. It's weird, but I'm glad he's not dead.
by Anonymous | reply 41 | December 5, 2019 3:07 PM |
There’s a porn actor who I follow on social media who’s had a few rehab stints and has been posting daily affirmations on FB since he got out of rehab again a couple of months ago. I appreciate why he’s doing it but if he relapses again . . .
by Anonymous | reply 42 | December 5, 2019 3:17 PM |
I got sober 4 years ago with the help of my therapist and I never did AA or any of the other programs out there.
by Anonymous | reply 43 | December 5, 2019 3:20 PM |
r3 here. I went to see my friend today. He seemed happy to see me, but was very busy. We're going to meet at a meeting this week.
by Anonymous | reply 44 | December 12, 2019 11:02 PM |
Well thank God for the update! We will all sleep better knowing this information
by Anonymous | reply 45 | December 12, 2019 11:03 PM |
[quote] When members suddenly disappear from your AA meeting
Can't the missing member's sponsor clear things up (why the member is missing)?
by Anonymous | reply 46 | December 12, 2019 11:10 PM |
Congratulations, R43. Whatever works for you is great. Some people do better with the social support of a larger group. Some people ignore the idea of a higher power, since that's what turns off a lot of people. Some people don't have the money for a therapist or don't find a good one. Some people do it without any help from anyone, and some people get sober and stay miserable.
The point is, if drinking is a problem for someone, it's lifesaving for them to find a way to stop. If they are turned off by the AA model, I hope they find a way that works for them.
You sound as though you are saying somehow going to therapy is better than using AA or some other method. Good for you that you stopped and that your way was effective for you, but it really doesn't matter what works for someone else. We each can only be accountable for what works for us.
by Anonymous | reply 47 | December 14, 2019 9:33 PM |
I’m grateful for AA, but I do recognize that the dysfunction there is immense.
Eventually, if you actually do therapy, you outgrow it, because people there really don’t grow.
If staying physically sober is enough for you, with a bunch of people who do the same, then AA works. If you’re into actually healing and growing, AA will not be a comfortable place to stay in.
I believe that other sober modalities are more beneficial to alcoholics and addicts, than AA.
AA sets up members for lifelong membership and repeated relapse, rehab, rinse repeat. The dead ones are usually caught in the spin cycle of brainwashing, false and inappropriate expectations, shame, and small periods of sobriety, followed by repeated relapses.
I know someone experiencing this as we speak. However, this person refuses to admit they relapsed, because they view alcoholism and addiction as problems to be solved by will power, and God’s will, rather than actual real, medical and or physiological issues that we truly, in all honesty, have only scratched the surface in understanding.
AA sets people up. False pride, real pride, accolades for claiming long term sobriety, and profound disappointment when one realizes that this, itself, on its face, is really superficial, and actually triggers more reasons to drink and use, than not to, the dance begins.
That dance is better survived by those who don’t ingest benzodiazepines, opiates, or mainline smack.
If opiates are your thing, PLEASE try to find help elsewhere, or in close conjunction to NA/AS, because people routinely OD and die when doing the sober/not sober dance of death, in and out of rehab and meetings.
It’s actually safer to use, than to repeatedly relapse and get sober again and again. The ones that die are almost always the short term relapsers.
If you stay sober, you’re gonna probably outgrow AA.
by Anonymous | reply 48 | December 14, 2019 11:03 PM |
People come and go in AA. Its understood that family and work projects, or even just boredom with the group, will make people drift away. If they want to they can always come back.
Also, as people get more time under their belt they attend meetings less than when they are new to the program.
It is not a big deal. No one is taking attendance.
by Anonymous | reply 49 | December 15, 2019 6:41 PM |
Or they just going to another group they like better.
by Anonymous | reply 50 | December 15, 2019 6:44 PM |
Exactly r 48. Exactly.
by Anonymous | reply 51 | December 22, 2019 5:53 PM |
I tried going to a primarily gay AA group and it made me want to drink more. So much catty BS and cliquey behavior.
by Anonymous | reply 52 | December 22, 2019 6:01 PM |
I started going to AA meetings and it actually made me drink MORE. I'd sober up for a day - prior to a meeting - listen to everyone, feel so much better about myself, and then buy a bottle and drink myself drunk! It was goofy. And, yes, to all the posters who were sexually abused by AA members. At my first meeting, I was warned by a guy to be wary of members trying to be 'too friendly' and then the asswipe started stalking me. What a cunt. AND after a few meetings I realized these people loved talking about anyone who missed a meeting! So much for anonymity. You might not know their last names but you sure knew enough about their background, background they themselves didn't want to share.
I think some people are there just to hear their name said outloud over and over. I had problems before we even got the first step. STATE YOUR NAME and ADMIT YOUR AN ALCOHOLIC. Of course, it's true - you wouldn't be there if it wasn't true - but do you really need to be degraded at every meeting? If you have a strong support system, you can stay sober without AA. My problem is that I've isolated myself for such a long time I don't have a support system. I'm on a rocky road, need to change my thinking.
OH, one last thing: Do you think the language in the Big Book could be updated? References to "John Barleycorn" and all the old-timey expressions that need to be googled? I'm a 'senior' and I don't get half of the wordplay that's laid down in that book.
by Anonymous | reply 53 | December 22, 2019 6:37 PM |
I tried to work a program and could not get anyone to be my sponsor. Then this very attractive new person showed up and the 13 steppers were practically fighting each other to sponsor the person.
At that point I realized sobriety programs are like having diabetes, but looking for advice and treatment options among those sitting in the waiting room of the endocrinologist.. Ultimately I realized sobriety depended on me and my life choices, not a program.
by Anonymous | reply 54 | December 24, 2019 12:39 AM |
I got sober using this song and music video. Gay AA never worked.
by Anonymous | reply 55 | December 24, 2019 12:58 AM |
AA is absurd
by Anonymous | reply 56 | December 24, 2019 1:14 AM |
Or they've moved . . .
Or they've outgrown the program . . .
Etc., etc. . . .
by Anonymous | reply 57 | December 24, 2019 1:15 AM |
Or they learned critical thinking
by Anonymous | reply 58 | December 24, 2019 1:18 AM |
If I need advice from addicted, emotionally damaged, cunty individuals I’ll visit my local gay anything.
by Anonymous | reply 59 | December 24, 2019 1:27 AM |
I was one of those people who disappeared, two years ago. Not to relapse; I just tired of it. I thought I had made about 20 good friends in gay AA—we were connected on social media, texted, saw each other all the time, etc.
Only two reached out to say hey. We're close friends today.
My sponsor didn't even reach out. It was very illuminating. All these people I thought genuinely cared about me were basically just using me as an excuse to repeat dogma to keep themselves sober.
Which is fair, I suppose. Whatever works, I guess.
by Anonymous | reply 60 | December 24, 2019 3:26 AM |
Occasionally I will realize someone hasn't been around, but there's always new people, and it's a free country. Nobody forces anyone to stop, or change, the choice is yours. I do hope for the best for people I'm fond of.
by Anonymous | reply 61 | December 24, 2019 3:35 AM |
[quote] R36: I am from the Croatia ok? What is AA? Is this recovery from doing the anal so much times?
AA is a technique used to quit drinking or drugging. AA members go daily or weekly, usually, to meetings with other people who have knowledge of the topic. People discuss their experience, strength, and hopes, or similar.
Most people who want to quit drinking, and can do so without AA, will. AA is often that last stop for many alcoholics who can’t quit any other way. That said, of course it’s “survival rate” is low, since it helps the hardest cases.
by Anonymous | reply 62 | December 24, 2019 4:14 AM |
AA has a12 steps, but sometimes people joke that getting your teeth fixed is the thirteenth step.
I once knew a guy with a heroin problem. He disappeared for a while and came back, and had lost a lot of weight. He was getting his teeth fixed and a few of them had been ground-down, awaiting to be completed. The dentist gave him prescription pain meds. After a few days of that, my friend disappeared again. He might have been arrested. He had told me that he was caught shooting-up in a public place.
by Anonymous | reply 63 | December 24, 2019 4:22 AM |
[quote] R53: I started going to AA meetings and it actually made me drink MORE.
AA didn’t make you drink. That’s something you did on your own, and AA is just a boogeyman, an excuse.
by Anonymous | reply 64 | December 24, 2019 4:25 AM |
I cashed my chips in and bought a six pack.
by Anonymous | reply 65 | December 24, 2019 7:42 AM |
However, it is a phenomena that often people do get triggered by 12-step meetings at first because they are not used to talk about drink and drugs outside the context of lets-do-it.
It is a hump that people have to get through.
A shrink once told me that the biggest benefit of a rehab is that you get used to talking about drink and drugs in a safe environment, because so many go crazy when they do outside.
I am guessing that this is why so many people have false starts in the program. They have to get used to it.
I still have problems at meetings thinking about the guys there who under other circumstances I would have used with.
by Anonymous | reply 66 | December 24, 2019 11:35 AM |
My good friend had a sexual relationship with his AA sponsor. My friend Is a stunning guy, and his older sponsor pressured him into it (and introduced him to meth).
The older guy was HIV+ and my friend negative, but my friend thought he was in love and started to bareback (before the existence of PrEP). When the relationship ended, my friend sobered up from the meth and was convinced he was positive.
When he finally got tested, he was negative! That was the first inkling I had that, if on HIV meds and undetectable, HIV can’t be transmitted
by Anonymous | reply 67 | December 24, 2019 11:59 AM |
R54 You nailed it.
by Anonymous | reply 68 | December 24, 2019 1:04 PM |
R62 Thank you for responding to R36 seriously. I thought it was joke post but maybe not? Good for you to be helpful...and sincere! I'm loving you.
by Anonymous | reply 69 | December 24, 2019 1:08 PM |
I don’t understand when people complain of the cliquish nature of AA meetings.
You go to a meeting for an hour or so, right? Who cares who people talk to during the breaks?
by Anonymous | reply 70 | December 25, 2019 12:51 AM |
Meetings are only an hour long. There are no breaks.
by Anonymous | reply 71 | December 25, 2019 1:43 AM |
R71, there are 90-minute meetings, too, in which case there is usually a break.
by Anonymous | reply 72 | December 25, 2019 3:10 AM |
Twenty years in AA and never heard of 90-minute meetings.
Would people actually go to a meeting that long?
by Anonymous | reply 73 | December 25, 2019 3:21 AM |
Lol, R73, there’s a large Gay meeting in Boston every week. It’s 90 minutes with a break. It’s always packed. That’s not the only one I’ve seen. Maybe it’s a New England thing?
by Anonymous | reply 74 | December 25, 2019 3:24 AM |
It might be. What is the time limit on shares? It sounds like people could go on forever if the meeting is that long.
by Anonymous | reply 75 | December 25, 2019 3:39 AM |
R75, the AA meeting chair often starts the meeting by asking people to keep their shares under 5 minutes so everyone can have the opportunity to speak. This request is always flouted.
by Anonymous | reply 76 | December 25, 2019 3:52 AM |
Liver cirrhosis got the better of them?
by Anonymous | reply 77 | December 25, 2019 4:01 AM |
Eleven years sober in two weeks. Lat AA meeting I attended was October 2014. Don’t miss it at all...
by Anonymous | reply 78 | December 25, 2019 4:35 AM |
Congratulations, OP!
by Anonymous | reply 79 | December 25, 2019 4:55 AM |
Ask the missing member's sponsor, silly.
by Anonymous | reply 80 | December 25, 2019 6:19 AM |
I guess there would be no DL if people just took moderate positions like : AA works for some not others, there are other methods, people should seek out the method that works for them. People have different reactions to people leaving meetings. Anyone OP is the obsessive anti-AA troll.
by Anonymous | reply 81 | December 25, 2019 6:45 AM |
R76, no timer?
by Anonymous | reply 82 | December 25, 2019 12:24 PM |
Some meetings I attended did use timers.
by Anonymous | reply 83 | December 25, 2019 2:00 PM |
There's a Saturday morning meeting I've been to that regularly runs TWO hours! I usually leave after the first break...
by Anonymous | reply 84 | December 25, 2019 2:12 PM |
I can listen to people talk about their day and how blessed they are for two or three minutes as long as it is done in an hour,
But if they went on for 5 minutes or more and the whole thing went on for 90 minutes or 2 hours....
I would disappear from that meeting.
by Anonymous | reply 85 | December 25, 2019 2:22 PM |
"The clerk at the supermarket gave me the wrong change and had an attitude. So I started to get really angry. And I even said some nasty things. But then I stopped and realized how tough it must be to do what she was doing all day long for minimum wage. So I apologized. And I am so grateful that the program taught me how to step back. I swear back when I was drinking that skinny little girl and I would have gotten into a fist fight. So I am grateful. Thank you. That's all I got."
For TWO hours????????
by Anonymous | reply 86 | December 25, 2019 2:26 PM |
I used to go to an AA meeting and this one frau was the only woman in the group. She would exploit it because none of the hetero men would check her when she would go on and on and “hold court”.
I finally checked her one night in the middle of one of her marathon shares, telling her that we needed to share the space by giving everyone equal time. She got super huffy and pouty and stopped sharing In subsequent meetings, expecting people to coddle her back to doing so, but no one did. She stopped coming and the meetings were more equitable after that.
by Anonymous | reply 87 | December 25, 2019 4:06 PM |
I once shut down a really fat old timer who was holding forth forever in a gay AA meeting. I was chairing. Next meeting he rolled his eyes and glared at me and exclaimed in his share "No one's running me out of this meeting." I glared back and said "John, there will always be two chairs for you in this meeting." (As I said, he was fat.)
by Anonymous | reply 88 | December 25, 2019 5:18 PM |
R86 Yep, TWO hours. And that was acceptable to this group. BTW, they're still going strong.
by Anonymous | reply 89 | December 25, 2019 7:11 PM |
Several of the gay groups in my city have 90-120 minute meetings. Usually on the weekends. Insufferable they are.
I could deal with the meetings more or less, sometimes leaving before the end. But the fellowship afterwards was so forced. And my sponsor at the time was a complete extrovert and expected the same of me. When I explained that I am an introvert, he said that was bullshit and I was behaving like a hermit. But he had to be the center of attention. The loudest voice in our group. Then he’d snatch the bill and tell everyone what they owed. He loved driving me and his other sponsorees to faraway places for AA meetings in cow tipping country. And he’d regale us with his war stories about life as an active alcoholic. At first I felt inadequate because I was nothing like that. But I realized that he and many of the other senior AA queens were self centered assholes. So glad that I found a therapist that specializes in addiction issues. And I have gotten shunned by the old AA crowd. So I stopped saying hi to any of them that I saw on the street. Three guys are dead now after relapsing. I still don’t drink despite some serious issues with family and friends. AA worked at first but I do okay without it.
by Anonymous | reply 90 | December 25, 2019 10:56 PM |
Take what’s helpful AND leave the rest. AA has helped me maintain sobriety, along with therapy, determination and willpower.
I ignore the BS about no prescribed drugs for mental health, etc. I listen because it lessens my desire to drink and use
by Anonymous | reply 91 | December 26, 2019 1:32 AM |
We don't go to AA to make friends. Leave at the end, keep to yourself, and you will do a lot better.
by Anonymous | reply 92 | December 26, 2019 1:39 AM |
R92 I don't know about that. I think we're at AA because we don't have friends. If we had friends, we wouldn't need the support of strangers. Plenty of AA people become friends; some even find partners...
by Anonymous | reply 93 | December 26, 2019 1:58 PM |
People do leave that’s true. But you don’t magically walk in the doors and poof you’re cured. It takes work and there are genuinely lovely people who are there to help. I’m sorry to anyone who’s had a bad experience. But that is more the exception than the rule. And no one claims to be an expert.
by Anonymous | reply 94 | December 26, 2019 2:08 PM |
They always say that AA is not a support group, and my sponsor really took it to heart. Following his advice I was able to avoid a lot of the drama.
To be honest, it never occurred to me that people coming into the group may not have friends. If your friends are not telling you to go to AA, it must take a lot of insight and strength to figure that out on your own.
by Anonymous | reply 95 | December 26, 2019 2:11 PM |
R95 Who the f is saying that AA is NOT a support group? That's the whole basis of AA -- to support each other. Yikes! What a post.
by Anonymous | reply 96 | December 26, 2019 6:14 PM |
[quote] R90: AA worked at first but I do okay without it.
This actually means that AA worked for you. You used AA to get through the hard part. The fact that you stopped going to meetings doesn’t negate that AA got you to the place where you can manage without meetings.
by Anonymous | reply 97 | December 26, 2019 6:26 PM |
I don’t know, R96, But it reminds me of the anti-AA troll. He always makes these false assertions, then draws some perverted conclusion from it. He’d say something like that. Or like these [bold] false [/bold] statements:
“Because you’re told you’re powerless, you are supposed to do whatever your sponsor tells you.”, or,
“Meetings are helpful for many people, if they’re weak and need to be told what to do, but I had to be me.”, or,
“People who are successful at getting sober stop going to meetings; of course, so the people you listen to in meetings are the ones who don’t know anymore than you do. I couldn’t listen to them.”
And so forth. This thread will get to that level of idiocy if it’s active long enough. It is funny that he warns about getting too close to the losers in AA, when “he” is the very person that everyone should beware of. There isn’t an AA thread on DataLounge that didn’t get to that point.
by Anonymous | reply 98 | December 26, 2019 6:41 PM |
OP, you do realize most of the people on DL are not in AA and are not alcoholics, don't you?
by Anonymous | reply 99 | December 26, 2019 6:54 PM |
R96, "AA is not a support group," is something that is frequently said in meetings.
The idea is that support groups help you in your suffering, but do not make a disease go into remission.
Your cancer does not stop growing because you are in a support group. But AA does bring about remission (if not a cure).
by Anonymous | reply 100 | December 26, 2019 8:15 PM |
R98, I am the ant-AA troll. Of the three quotes you give only the first is anywhere near what I experienced. (Except that it is unmanageability that a sponsor helps you with, not powerlessness.)
But the other two you made up out of whole cloth. Or maybe someone else said them.
by Anonymous | reply 101 | December 26, 2019 8:21 PM |
People in AA had far better personalities when they were drinking
by Anonymous | reply 102 | December 26, 2019 9:05 PM |
R101, I have actually read the those exact statements in AA-related threads. Maybe there is more than one anti-AA troll? I do know that there is some anti-AA troll here who would try to mask his identity and comment in support his own, previous posts. I know that because he would sometimes screw-up and not effectively mask his identity. He lied all the time, too.
by Anonymous | reply 103 | December 26, 2019 9:37 PM |
I am the one usually called the anti-AA troll and anytime anyone says anything different about AA it is ascribed to me.
I do have issues with how AA is run (mostly the power given to sponsors and the lack of practical help), but its ideals are great and I have recommended it to many people needing help.
I have said as much positive about AA as negative, but some people think that saying anything negative about your experience in makes you a liar.
by Anonymous | reply 104 | December 26, 2019 9:45 PM |
Do AA group members all use those reductive meme-like answers to everything like if you spot it you got it, etc.
by Anonymous | reply 105 | December 26, 2019 11:49 PM |
The stupid ones do. They even use them here on DL.
But the good part is that when you hear someone talk like that, you know those are the people to tune out.
by Anonymous | reply 106 | December 26, 2019 11:57 PM |
R106 I had an AA co-worker that fancied herself an “addict identifier”. Every person’s problem was related to some kind of addiction. Her most famous declaration was “It’s a CUNNING, BAFFLING DISEASE!” She would say it at least once a day.
I wish I could remember more of her cliché AA “meme” sayings. Anyone know any more of them?
by Anonymous | reply 107 | December 27, 2019 12:08 AM |
I do remember she loved this song and was always singing or humming it. And yes she was a major frau.
by Anonymous | reply 108 | December 27, 2019 12:18 AM |
[quote] R104: I am the one usually called the anti-AA troll and anytime anyone says anything different about AA it is ascribed to me
R104, I remember when you gave yourself the name “anti-AA troll”. I don’t know why you would elect that monicker. I think that you are the only one who is labeling yourself that way.
Now it causes confusion because, when people refer to the anti-AA troll here, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are referring specifically to you. I don’t think anyone knows who you are. A good example of this is in R98. I listed three comments about AA that I’ve read in DataLounge, from the anti-AA troll, and you thought I was referring to you, but you never said these things, and stated that this was made out of whole cloth.
It would be like claiming that you’re the Idiot Libertarian Troll, and then started replying as him. And then started complaining that you never said that thing that the ILT had just said in a different thread. It would just get all bungled up.
What you can do to be less confusing is to use your authentic ID, or at lease, consistently used a particular monicker. I’d bet that you’ll see these references to you, by others, drops way down.
by Anonymous | reply 109 | December 27, 2019 5:04 AM |
[quote] [R90]: AA worked at first but I do okay without it.
[quote] Me: This actually means that AA worked for you. You used AA to get through the hard part. The fact that you stopped going to meetings doesn’t negate that AA got you to the place where you can manage without meetings.
I wanted to add, that this is pretty common. AA isn't intended to be a life sentence. A lot of people with long sobriety continue to go to meetings, thinking about it as a service to their fellows. Some go because they are bored at home. But a lot of people want to get sober and then stop going to meetings after they stabilize, and that’s fine.
by Anonymous | reply 110 | December 27, 2019 5:11 AM |
R109, it was me labeled as the anti-AA troll. Part of the reason I owned up to the title was that anytime someone described a bad experience with AA, it was said that all of those posts were by one person. Since I had already been labelled the anti-AA troll, I announced myself to note that there were more than one of us writing about negative experiences.
But I guess it is all cyclical. After you fight the label, you accept it, and then you get told it was never your label to begin with.
by Anonymous | reply 111 | December 27, 2019 11:45 AM |
R111, It wasn’t “someone describing a bad or negative experience”, it was “someone lying about their experience”, in multiple threads, over a long time period, and spamming the thread.
Since the anti-AA loon has a history of posting messages as a second person, in support of his own earlier posts, I think it’s possible that you, R111, are actually that person after all, but there’s no way to tell. You are a troll, that’s for sure.
On the linked thread, the anti-AA OP created at least 51 posts out of a total of 395, or 12% of all the threads. I think that would be fine if he was being honest and posting something new, but he was not. It was mostly dishonest spam.
by Anonymous | reply 112 | December 27, 2019 5:58 PM |
In this other thread, the anti-AA troll posted at least 41 posts out of a total of 151, or 27%. Here’s some of the loony things he posts:
“The purpose of AA is to break people down and make them program-dependent forever”
These people need to be empowered, and the whole purpose of AA is to crush individuality and keep members weak and dependent.
AA was designed by and for straight white male Christians. If you're not in this group you're chances are less than average.
My point is that AA's job is to crush everyone into the mold of the old Bill Wilson book. That's not going to work for 95% of people out there.
Why doesn't AA try to root out the toxicity of it's many meetings, instead of blaming the newcomer and ordering them to try a different meeting after they were racially insulted.
Most AA members come from severe abuse. The AA home group becomes a sick, substitute family that reproduces the original family.
The guy is a loon.
by Anonymous | reply 113 | December 27, 2019 6:00 PM |
The anti-AA loon once told a long EST about how he was in South Florida and had gone to a slew of meetings for decades and couldn’t get sober until he left AA and did it on his own; but he later posted an identical story about how he was in LA and went to a slew of meetings for decades and couldn’t get sober until he left AA. It was not two people with similar stories. It was the very same guy.
Then he piles on with statements like listed in R123.
The thing that bothers me is that there are people who might benefit from AA, but who are turned off from even trying it because they believe the anti-AA troll. They might continue to suffer unnecessarily, or die, because of that troll, and that makes him a monster.
by Anonymous | reply 114 | December 27, 2019 6:12 PM |
I loved how touchy feely everyone was at AA. The men would give long lingering hugs, which seems to be a thing at AA. I'll admit, it made me want to go back. I liked the affection. (I know, I know, I would be perfect for a cult, but I can't deny I like it.)
by Anonymous | reply 115 | December 27, 2019 9:31 PM |
R98 You have been proven correct! This thread has dissolved into a bore. And it started out so strong!
by Anonymous | reply 116 | December 27, 2019 10:02 PM |
[quote] R53: I had problems before we even got the first step. STATE YOUR NAME and ADMIT YOUR AN ALCOHOLIC. Of course, it's true - you wouldn't be there if it wasn't true - but do you really need to be degraded at every meeting?
I knew a woman who refused to acknowledge that she is an alcoholic. She would say that she had a “drinking problem”. They are the same thing, of course. “Denial” is a great cause of people being unable to get and stay sober. I think that is why you are encouraged to acknowledge it when you introduce yourself.
Also, you need not think of it as “degrading”. Before I got sober, I never realized how much I judged. I really believe in the disease model, that AA is a mental disease. So, for me, there is nothing to feel degraded about. That said, I don’t tell acquaintances, because many people harbor such ill will towards alcoholics and addicts, even sober ones.
by Anonymous | reply 117 | December 27, 2019 10:21 PM |
I noticed that AA people become consumed with the process and concept of sobriety so that's all they want to talk about. AA becomes their whole identity and for the outside world, this is insufferable to listen to. No one wants to be diagnosed as an Alcoholic either, and AA people constantly point out to their friends and acquaintances that they PROBABLY have a drinking problem, which is incredibly insulting.
20 years ago, I worked with a woman who came up to me at work and told me, her son was an alcoholic and she suspected I was too. I had no idea how she came to that conclusion! I was super offended, denied it, walked away from her and didn't speak to her again. When I got home that night, I opened a bottle of whisky and got hammered. I WAS an alcoholic, but how did she know? I was super fit back then, I was super desirable and was constantly hit on by the guys and girls around the office. Plus, I was never late, but somehow she knew. So weird. I've never forgotten her.
by Anonymous | reply 118 | December 27, 2019 11:29 PM |
Do AA meetings get a lot of people in January who disappear in February?
by Anonymous | reply 119 | December 28, 2019 12:14 AM |
R119 hopefully these two girls are done hijacking the thread with their cat fight so we can get some answers about AA.
by Anonymous | reply 120 | December 28, 2019 1:33 AM |
R113, People claimed that I wrote as a second person because it seemed inconceivable that more than one person would have a bad time in AA>
In the thread you linked I wrote 325, 327, and maybe some others. But nowhere near 41.
Since people who have trouble in AA tend to blame themselves, I think it is important to say that it is not the universal panacea and that you can "flunk" AA, but still recover. And when people challenge that, it is important to call them out on it.
Do not tell me that what I experienced is not true and then complain because I respond.
by Anonymous | reply 121 | December 28, 2019 2:07 AM |
R119, yes.
There is a constant flow into the rooms and out of the rooms. A lot of people come once. Or come for a month. Or stick around for awhile.
There is no membership roll so people are free to come and go.
by Anonymous | reply 122 | December 28, 2019 2:12 AM |
[quote] Do AA meetings get a lot of people in January who disappear in February?
Yes, it’s more crowded in January when people make New Year resolutions.
by Anonymous | reply 123 | December 28, 2019 5:45 AM |
[quote]R95 They always say that AA is not a support group
Who is “they”?
by Anonymous | reply 124 | December 28, 2019 5:47 AM |
[quote] R121: People claimed that I wrote as a second person because “it seemed inconceivable that more than one person would have a bad time in AA.”
Nobody posted that on DataLounge. If I’m wrong, please link to this. But I’m not wrong.
by Anonymous | reply 125 | December 28, 2019 5:48 AM |
I had an AA co-worker that fancied herself an “addict identifier”. Every person’s problem was related to some kind of addiction. Her most famous declaration was “It’s a CUNNING, BAFFLING DISEASE!” She would say it at least once a day.
I wish I could remember more of her cliché AA “meme” sayings. Anyone know any more of them?
I do remember she loved this song and was always singing or humming it. And yes she was a major frau.
by Anonymous | reply 126 | December 28, 2019 8:38 AM |
R125, although you added quotation marks to make it seem as if I was quoting some one, I was not.
I was making an inference because the insistence that there was only one person who could have been making all the posts about negative AA experiences. You had to wonder why some felt the need to make that assertion so strongly.
But you already knew all this.
by Anonymous | reply 127 | December 28, 2019 12:08 PM |
The pathology of an addict wants to make everything black and white. Either AA works for everyone or it works for no one. But in reality it is more grey.
If people "disappear" it does not mean they are drinking or come to harm. There could be any number of reasons.
Those annoying slogan are not proof of the intellectual bankruptcy of AA. They are mnemonics that help some people and annoy others.
A bad AA experience does not challenge the good the program does.
by Anonymous | reply 128 | December 28, 2019 12:31 PM |
I used to use my AA chips to crush up my crystal at the bath house. I went to a meeting a couple of weeks ago and these people are so fucking dysfunctional they could not figure out how to open a door and put a fucking door stop under it. I swear to god! I couldn't fucking believe it.
by Anonymous | reply 129 | December 31, 2019 12:08 AM |
AA worked well for my dad, but it could be that it was the early 70's and insurance covered a six week in-patient treatment, so he had a solid start. He also only went to meetings for a couple of years. He never celebrated any of his anniversaries, but did keep the little book on his dresser.
by Anonymous | reply 130 | December 31, 2019 12:48 AM |
R130, please see R110.
by Anonymous | reply 131 | December 31, 2019 10:54 PM |
Maybe they've just committed suicide in the meanwhile?
by Anonymous | reply 132 | December 31, 2019 11:32 PM |
They decided addiction was better than going to gay AA meetings with a bunch of sober, cunty queens.
by Anonymous | reply 133 | January 1, 2020 4:57 AM |
If one's concerned where someone is or how they're doing, just call and ask them.
In this day and age, it's not that hard to get someone's contact info.
by Anonymous | reply 134 | January 2, 2020 4:36 AM |
It is hard to track someone down when you do not know their last name.
by Anonymous | reply 135 | January 2, 2020 11:50 AM |
Reasons to drop a meeting:
Someone is wearing my shoes
Too many Drunkalogues
Grope/groaners
My ex attends this one
by Anonymous | reply 136 | January 2, 2020 2:22 PM |
All of the 13th stepping was problematic as well...don’t shit where you eat.
by Anonymous | reply 137 | January 3, 2020 1:36 AM |
13th stepping is probably more problematic for those who include "problematic" in their vocabulary than for those who don't.
by Anonymous | reply 138 | January 3, 2020 1:40 AM |
Most gay AAers are sex addicts but will never address it.
by Anonymous | reply 139 | January 3, 2020 2:10 AM |
Eat a hot bowl of dicks r138.
by Anonymous | reply 140 | January 3, 2020 2:20 AM |
I think young “men” are sex addicts. It’s their natural state.
by Anonymous | reply 141 | January 3, 2020 2:31 AM |
12-step groups are a bridge back to life, not life itself.
AA and NA saved my life and I was there at my home groups every time the doors opened for 11 years. That was 20 years ago. Now I have a multi-faceted life. I have a drink or a beer two or three times a year and I smoke pot every day. It's no longer about trying not to get sucked into hell by drugs and alcohol.
by Anonymous | reply 142 | January 30, 2020 12:06 PM |
I just can’t center my life around 12 step meetings anymore. People who do that scare me. They tend to be controlling and domineering at meetings, admonishing newbie and old heads alike for not following protocol. One woman called them “her” meetings and anyone who didn’t adhere religiously to the rules should leave. I cussed her out for attempting to interrupt my share. Few liked her and constantly violated the anti gossip rules to talk about how awful she was. She was a total cunt. And hardly the only one. Senior members who chaired meetings would only select their buddies to share, telling newbies to just stay quiet and listen. Insanity to the nth degree.
by Anonymous | reply 143 | January 30, 2020 2:18 PM |
When someone in AA mentions your name in their share, feel free to interrupt them. If someone then tries to stop you from interrupting, interrupt them back, saying, “no crosstalk, please”. Then, while everyone is flummoxed trying to figure out what just happened, you can finish your share.
by Anonymous | reply 144 | January 30, 2020 4:05 PM |
R143, so why didn't the newbies nominate and elect another chair for the next month's meetings?
by Anonymous | reply 145 | January 31, 2020 4:57 AM |
It seems strange that cliques would form in a recovery group, but it probably speaks to a lack of healthy rotation of people leading and chairing the meetings to make sure no one person or group “takes over”.
by Anonymous | reply 146 | January 31, 2020 12:50 PM |
I’m in another group which has a similar situation where the “Council” has become this big clique that is more about enforcing rules and than it is about just being a governing body of a social group. I think it’s a pitfall of organizations where people can get too up their own asses and lose perspective if they aren’t careful. It’s akin to Animal Farm where the sign goes from “All Animals Are Equal” to “All Animals Are Equal -But Some Are More Equal Than Others”.
by Anonymous | reply 147 | January 31, 2020 1:20 PM |
You know what r145? I have no idea. I think that this meeting was, whoever gets there first chairs the meeting. It’s been six years since I last attended. It was a men’s meeting...one thing that I did appreciate was that straight and gay men were equally welcomed. Unfortunately, so were women. They’d shamelessly hijack men’s meetings even though the women’s meeting was held directly after. And you guessed it — men were NOT ALLOWED at the women’s meeting.
by Anonymous | reply 148 | January 31, 2020 2:10 PM |
At the meetings near me, people with less than a year are advised to listen more and talk less. Generally, they know less about recovery than people with more sober time, so it makes sense to me.
As far as the chairperson for meetings, the persons chosen for this are usually the people with just over a year, not the ones with long term sobriety.
by Anonymous | reply 149 | January 31, 2020 3:13 PM |
Women do that in men’s meetings all the time. They know men are afraid of being perceived as mean or sexist so they won’t speak up. So the frau/Karen Yogapants gets to do she pleases. They know it they go to an all-frau meeting they will get held accountable to the same rules and behavior. If a man does call them out, they start crying or leave in a huff.
by Anonymous | reply 150 | January 31, 2020 4:34 PM |
I have a lot of problems with AA, but I think one of the great things is that the chair leading the meeting changes every month and that no one gets to "own" a meeting.
Although in large meetings (over 20 people attending) there can be a central group, they do not always run the meetings. And if you want to change things, like letting new people speak or getting rid of the Lord's Prayer it is pretty easy to do so if the majority agrees.
by Anonymous | reply 151 | February 1, 2020 12:07 PM |
My AA groups change chairs every six months, but same idea.
by Anonymous | reply 152 | February 2, 2020 10:44 AM |
The local AA where I live now changes chairs at every meeting. That's what they call leading a meeting here, "chairing" it. Where I got sober, the chair was the person who got people to lead every week, and yeah, it changed every six months. That position was called "program chairman." There's no such thing here. The secretary passes around a calendar, and you sign your name on the date you wish to lead...I mean, chair.
Here, "leading a meeting" means what my old AA city called "speaking" or "telling your story," which you do for the rest of the hour after they read the boilerplate. In my old city, if you were "leading," you had someone read the preamble, then talked about what was going on in your life, then called on people when they raised their hands.
Very different approaches from city to city.
by Anonymous | reply 153 | February 2, 2020 12:46 PM |
I have never heard of a meeting having the same chair for more than a month. But then I never heard of meetings lasting more than one hour.
It really is a local program.
by Anonymous | reply 154 | February 2, 2020 1:29 PM |