I failed at suicide

FUCK YOU OP!!! FUCK YOU IN THE ARSE!

I had 100x the shit Heath Ledger had in his system. None of it makes sense.

I believe you. I’m so happy your life was saved. Trust me, when I say this YOU MATTER! Sometimes, I know life can seem like too much. Are you gambling? What can we do to help you?

You are meant to live! I definitely do not want to make this thread about me, but please realize we all have our own individual struggles. Really.

Thank you for sharing. I wish I knew you, because my arms would be reaching to hug or phone you. We are all lonely. 🥰

R1 fuck you, too. Karma is real and it’s waiting to pounce on your rudeness.

OP, honey. I've gone through it, too It hurts like hell. I did it the first time when I was only 12. We didn't have all those drugs back then, so I used a rope. I'm 58 now. When I pulled myself out of the noose, I just said, "Fuck this world". It might help you.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

You failed at suicide and suceeded in living. Trust it is for the best. Glad you are still here!

R6 I’m sorry, 😉

Oh my God this is so crazy! I am so grateful you survived! It gives me goosebumps. I really think you have something to offer the world, if you could find your purpose. Hell, maybe your purpose was to fail at killing yourself and to come to DL and tell us so that we could all ponder the wondrously weird thing we all share, called being alive. I love you and I am so grateful for your post.

It would take you 3 or 4 days to recover from that. Probably longer. Why do people think they'll either die or piss it out? There's a lot of organ damage and bad outcomes in between. You don't have a high tolerance, you just didn't do it right OP. Or you are lying. Which is a cry for help. This is not the place for it OP. Don't do it that way. There are lots of ways to commit suicide and plenty of websites that will give you instruction. You made a good attempt. But you didn't exactly jump from a building or blow your brains out. That will work.

NOW seek out help and do a simple job of asking for it. There ain't nothing suicide hotlines or emergency rooms haven't heard. Go tell em. You might want to try to end things again, but you obviously are free to get help now. This ain't the place. Don't wait. GO. Have a few days inside.

Good luck Baby

OP, I did something similar many years ago when I was a freshman in college. My roommate went away for the weekend and I told the people on my dorm floor I was going home for the weekend, too, and then I took a shitload of pills that I knew would kill me.

But after I passed out, I vomited up the drugs and somehow didn't choke on it or even wake up until about 24 hours later. I was a fucking mess, too, at that point, and had a headache that made me really want to kill myself.

I'm glad I didn't die. I don't know if it's chemical in my brain or what, but I've been suicidal my whole life. The first time I remember thinking of it, I was eight years old and tried to shove my mother's big dress-making shears into my heart. I wasn't brave enough to do it.

Now I'm an eldergay and I just accept it as a chronic illness and when it comes over me, I know the best remedy is to isolate myself and do everything I can to turn myself around. Eat well, exercise, play my musical instruments, walk my dogs, tell myself a litany of affirmations (and they can't be something bland and stupid, they have to be things I can believe, like counting all my talents and all the people who love me and listing all the things I'm grateful for, etc.

Meds don't really work for me, so it's always up to me to talk myself out of that state.

It happens about once every year or two. Maybe three, if I'm lucky. I deal with it the way I would deal with a recurrent skin rash that shows up now and then or like a bad cold that puts me in bed. It usually takes 10 days to 2 or 3 weeks for me to get through the worst of it, and then another month or so to reenter the world.

When I was younger, I always lost my job when it happened. Now I'm retired and the people closest to me know to leave me alone when I tell them I have to hibernate.

Good luck to you, OP. You're not alone, and no matter how bad the pain gets, it also gets better and there are moments of wonder and joy to experience.

I don't gamble. I actually had 300k in cash once...back in 2008.... then since 2008 it was like my life fell off a cliff, and then another one and another one. Most of these things were decisions I made to improve my life (grad school during the financial crisis, for example) - but it didn't help with the job situation. I think it made it worse because I was now missing work experience and had a degree nobody needed. That's a separate story altogether.

And a few more...health-wise, which was the biggest impetus for everything else falling apart (particularly this year). I took a vacation to have one last attempt at some human emotion - some connection with the world....some feeling of being alive / vitality. Some escape. It didn't really come.

R5 - I wish I could say "fuck this world" but I have no job and 80k in debt. I can open my rollover 401k and IRA and cover almost all of it - but not the tax bills. And then I owe my landlord an ungodly sum to move out and move in with my parents (at 40 - yay) - but I can't afford the apt with no (foreseeable) job for 2020 (well, a low paying one - yes, which is why I have to give up the apt). I really want to just live to see Trump voted out - that's about it (and then I'd certainly OD if he won again). Financially, I couldn't wait that long though.

R10 - I know. I am on another suicide board. I was curious what DL's replies would be since I've been around here 10 years on and off. I made sure not to have enough tylenol in my cocktail to hurt the liver but god knows what the other stuff did. My labs looked ok except CRP which was high and my lymphocytes were high.... but everything else (CT, EKG, spinal tap) was normal.

I'm OP but I'll just check the signature box.

I’ve always wondered why people don’t just drug themselves to dull the misery. Like take all that stuff OP used to dull the pain - but in smaller doses. In a drugged or drunk state things seem less horrible. Better to do what you need to do to live another day. Ultimately get help. But in the meantime, drugging and drinking in moderate amounts seems like how people handled these horrible states in the past. Suicide is a permanent solution. Being poor and in debt is not life and death.

If owing people money was a reason to off yourself the streets would be piled high with corpses.

OP/R12, almost everyone is in major debt. And many are the people you'd never guess. Everyone has taken some turns in education and employment they wish they could do over. And a whole generation got fucked over in the 2008 financial crisis; we're still picking up the pieces. (I'm 43.)

How much of your debt could be discharged in bankruptcy? If a significant portion is student loan debt, can you adjust your payment plan?

I do, r13 - I am some meds, but the good ones (benzos) are hard to get. Most meds are for medical conditions that I have - or have had (I went through 2 years of 8 surgeries for one particular problem - still have so much oxy and vicodin from that).

Money is NOT the reason this happened. I should've been more clear about that. I fucked up my financial situation & it was easy to just explain that (more than the health issues which have gotten quite severe and are fairly complicated & rather unusual).

During the week before, I made a list of all the reasons (again, for the 100th time by then) and money barely showed up. It was more about how many times I've lost money, lost out on a job interview, or was just a general failure that had a financial impact.

[quote]I've been suicidal my whole life.

[quote]Meds don't really work for me, so it's always up to me to talk myself out of that state.

We're pretty similar in those two regards. I didn't know anyone else was like me in those ways. SSRIs don't do anything for me at all. Benzos do & antipsychotics do, though.

r15 - I actually do not know. None of it is student loan debt. It's all just credit cards. I could declare bankruptcy I suppose. I don't know anything about the process... the health issues will still remain even if the slate is wiped clean (and even then, it's not so clean - it'll be on my credit report for 7 years & it's very hard to find an apt).

R16 why not file for bankruptcy just to start over fresh. Move in with your parents. Sometimes we have surprises waiting to happen.

R17 let’s talk health.

OP, please realize many others have health issues. TBH I have had over 25 surgeries. I used to be incredibly successful. Then health happened. I’m preparing for another surgery very soon, Parotidectomy. Each year I have been through sometimes three major surgeries a year.

I know stress can be intense when one is very ill. You see your life stagnant. Everyone else is living, loving and having fun and we are stuck with illness. The last few years I have been on significant bed rest trying to get better. Finally, they found the tumor and hopefully there is hope. It just seems like what’s next...

OP, do you feel comfortable going to the Psych Ward and reaching out for help?

I don't think you can declare bankruptcy from credit card debt, but find out from a professional what you can do.

I know someone who just walked away from his debts. He had almost nothing and was working a minimum wage job, and a couple of his creditors tried to sue him, but he provided records of his income and expenses, and it was so low, they didn't bother pursuing him for it. There wasn't anything to take.

I'm not sure how many years that stays on your credit report, but he essentially just lives off cash and doesn't have any kind of credit now. He does OK, though he drives an ancient POS car and lives in a tiny apartment in a rundown part of town. But he doesn't have that stress anymore.

Do a financial reset. File for bankruptcy. Move in with your parents.

Having that safety net — which very few people have at our age — is a great thing. The financial freedom that allows you could give you the perspective to pursue dreams that could make you happy.

You should also have a therapist and psychiatrist who can help with your depression and coping strategies. Bankruptcy may make you eligible for Medicaid; you can also speak with someone at an LGBT center or the outpatient psychiatric clinic at your local hospital about sliding scale.

You're not the only person who's had to reset their life and lean on their families in their 40s — it's widespread.

OP, what health issues do you have?

If your credit score is less than 750 life is not worth living.

This is what my friend* wants me to do, r18.... but I guess he doesn't fully understand the effect of some of the other problems (health and other issues). If you gave me a million dollars right now, I am not sure I'd even want it. I think I've just turned into human scar tissue....impervious to being fixed. I guess I am using this analogy because I have scar tissue on my body that can't be ever fixed and it causes problems (post surgical).

(*) I do have 1 friend... and 2 people I still text occasionally... everyone else has ghosted me over the years. My best friends from when I was younger (decades) dropped me overnight in some cases. There's no "reason" here. It's a bouquet of shitty things - over many years. My brother killed himself for a lot less. I have fabulous genes in this regard. He was dexterous enough to make a knot. I am too scared to do anything physical like that & also wouldn't do the noose right.

I felt bad talking to my mom today when I left the house. It's like she knew I was going to try again. I was just leaving to clean out the apartment, but I think I have to try again.

R19 - I have heard many horror stories about people going to the hospital. I am not insured enough & the inpatient treatments are so limited now, even in a major city. You've had it worse than me on the health front, it sounds. What gives you the resilience? I just feel like I've been drained of all life force at this point.

Thanks r20 - I guess it is possible... my parents want to take me to Mayo Clinic and all these famous doctors to solve this health issue I have now - which nobody has been able to solve in the major city area we live in... I really don't think I will ever be fixed with this latest problem. It defies all logical attempts to fix. I can't let them use their retirement savings to try to solve a problem that nobody (on my insurance here) could possibly solve. Something is wrong with my immune system and nobody knows how to deal with it or why it is happening....nobody. Not the chief of the major departments at the top research hospitals. They just give me steroid combos and say "See what happens" - well 11 months of this & I'm still living like someone who is perpetually sick -- and while I can handle this part, the problem is I can't sleep in this state. I'm living on such fucked up sleep for all this time...maybe 10 wakings per night - and only 5-6 hours. I'm not sure what is going on - nobody is. The best doctors just shrug and give me another steroid. I was supposed to be put on cyclosporine but then the doctor had some conference and decided against it. That might have helped with this constant reaction state I am in (it's like the flu, daily, even with a fever occasionally...with no known cause after 11 months of it - that has really been the last straw - not the debt which is also a problem). I can't describe what it's like to be sick every day with no real sleep and no chance of recovery.

Well, that's it. My sleeping pills are kicking in... This thread is actually helping me, btw... I wasn't sure what would happen. Posting on suicide boards doesn't result in constructive advice since it's all just "well when you try again you'll be fine"

R22- just saw your post. I only described the most recent one but I've had very unusual / rare issues prior to this. One was fixed, one got botched in surgery and required a lot of follow up surgeries for 2 years...but the immune system issue is the worst at the moment.

You would really kill yourself after your brother did, and cause your parents that much pain again?

The severity of the illness you're describing suggests you should be eligible for social security disability payments — if you're in your 40s and started paying into the system via part-time jobs as a teenager, you should be eligible for the maximum payout.

Have you looked into it?

OP, R12, I'm R5. I moved back into my parents' house, in my 50s. They really needed me, badly, so I had a purpose, And that purpose ended up shaping my life. I'm one of those rare Dataloungers who always loved their parents and families Occasionally, people mocked for living with my parents. Fuck them.

For medical care, please Google a Federally Qualified Health Center

Why ware you suicide queens so intent on killing yourself? Dont you realize we are all going to die sooner that we realize? Some of us who have survived cancer or AIDS are happy we can live just one more day.

People who are suicidal don't actually want to stop existing.

They just want the pain to stop, and it's reached a level that exceeds their ability to cope with it.

I have to think of what to say. It won't help, but I will think on it some. Your money problems are very real R12. I've also had to face moving back in with my family. I was 38. And I did have to do it. And it was worse than I thought it would be. But it ended up to be for less than a year. They loaned me money to get my own place. Trust me they're not reasonable or sensitive people. Things got better. It's ten years later and they're paid back. Still not reasonable or sensitive. They really didn't want to be around my unhappiness, deep sadness.

Being broke combined with going back to family will give you forehead wrinkles. A grown up gay man will have PTSD during a Christmas visit - never mind the concept of moving back home. Keep some whiskey in your room. If they love Jesus, hum in your head. My family doesn't care about Jesus thank Christ, but they fucking love propriety. I was expected to come out and be happy and perform when others were there - frequently. Wasn't allowed the dignity of a grown man. I don't believe in depression but that won't make it go away. Ha. I was heartbroken from a failed relationship and newly diagnosed with MS. My BF left me and that wasn't all his fault. We had a good life and a lot of debt. I can't tell you it all gets better, but most of it does and you will be surprised to find out how little you care about some things. Stay sexy. I believe in staying sexy.

DON'T kill yourself over money or lack of sexiness. M O V I N G in with family is painful. I don't need the details. But they'll love you enough to keep you warm and fed and you can just scream inside your head. Did I mention to keep some whiskey in your room? Don't let no one tell you that won't help. Or weed if your body likes it better. Escape, rest and plan your escape. Cry and consider suicide everyday. If that helps. But get a local therapist. They're better in your parent's hood. It can't be big. You're broke and jobless. Y'all don't need to grow. And you're fun and like people and have lots of transferable skills. A bachelor apartment is not sad at 40 if you pick one you want. A halfway decent part time job can get you there. After 12 months of parents and paperwork, that apartment will be seriously sweet. Save your favorite things, sell the rest.

Bankruptcy is easy for people who want to go bankrupt. That is not my area of expertise. It's not really easy if you still have a car or your parents die or if you need your tax return in the next two years. But it will wipe out 80 grand in debt if that's the major cause of your stress. You won't have credit again for 8 years. I can tell you how to feel good about yourself and wallow in the deep at the same time. You can't avoid one, so learn the other.

Aside from that, if you call a suicide hotline - they will call 911. But depending on where you live, some have mobile units and they may just meet you to talk. Y'all know and don't believe that the system will take care of you properly. And mostly you're correct. But hospitalization might make your parents back off when you inevitably have to move in with them. And no one wants you to give up. I sure don't.

Good luck Baby. It's a random world.

R25 - he did it 15 years ago. I know, though... I know.... I do not want to do it after he did it. They still act like it was yesterday. He had virtually no reason. He was simply bipolar. He had no actual problems (that I ever knew of). He was good looking, employed, athletic, had all kinds of women who liked him. It's like the polar opposite of me. Yet, he killed himself? yeah. Bipolar disorder is not a fun thing. I don't have bipolar to that extent... i am similar to him but not like him entirely.

R26 - I don't even have a diagnosis really. I have a lot of vague crap...contradictory doctors...bizarre labs that make no sense. I don't know what I'd file. I looked into it but have not filed anything. I think that SSDI people would say I could technically work (I was working for some of this).

R27- my parents are in declining health and in their 70s so I could move back to help with their lives....big role reversal since the last time I lived there (in the 90s!) Is that what happened with you? My primary care doc is at a Federally Qualified Health Center. There is such a wait & supply / demand issue in many of those places.

Thanks r29 - yes that is basically the summary in a nutshell.

Maybe this is a wake up call OP.

R24 I’m R19 TBH if I didn’t have DL to post 24/7, lol I think I would have gone insane. Honestly, about a year ago I had a suicide plan. I was going to buy heroin (no clue how to obtain) and just end it all. OD. I joked with my friend, knowing me I would probably be on the front page of the paper and survive. Lol

I lost my whole family 20+ years ago and each surgery I have no family to support me. I do have friends, it’s not the same.

How do I keep my resilience? My doctors are amazed I’m so damn positive, too. Well. I’m a feisty Biotch. I know I have a purpose. I know that great things are in store for me. I ALWAYS try to laugh daily. I create fucked up funny threads to add humor to my life. I am not a victim. I’m sick, but not a victim.

As soon as you realize that there is hope you will gain control. You, at least, have your family. Live for them. They had one son end his life they really do not need two sons dying. Focus on what you can fix now. At least you have money. All my money goes to medical bills, now. I’m seriously stressed how I’m going to pay for this upcoming surgery. My last surgery was September 2019. I do know if I continue to stay emotionally strong I can one day help others who deal with my issues. We all survive. It’s us who go through the worst, and really have a grasp on failure l and loss, that being said, we can help others appreciate and understand their turmoil better. You were brought on DL tonight to help someone and also help yourself. I believe in you.

OP, I'm 40 and work a low paying job that's not even stable, live in a studio and may move in with my parents next year. So what. I actually feel fine about it because I could help out and spend more time with them as they age. Save money. Start over. Nobody I consider a friend would judge someone like that. I'm not in a very good mental place right now either but I figure if things get bad enough I could probably up and move somewhere. Live off the grid, if that's a real thing. Exercise and long walks outdoors help me. I would follow the financial advice here. You should adopt a shelter animal too. Just some thoughts. You are far from alone though in how you feel. Please keep going.

Thank you r33. I had a bad relationship w/ my family through most of my teenage years (90s) which has always stuck into me even though "times have changed." You can guess what the #1 issue back then was about. I have resentment for that and for a lot of the way I was treated - and am STILL treated to an extent. My parents are letting me move back, of course, but its no Bellagio over there (ok I love citing that hotel any chance I can on DL - anyway). My point is, they aren't the types of parents anyone would want to live with... at least, I don't. My old psychologist thought I developed a sleep disorder specifically to avoid them! (It's really called delayed sleep phase syndrome).

This isn't just about moving in with them. I've gone through 11 months of this health problem (I can't even explain it properly on here because it is so fucking weird). Nobody can fix it. Every day, I wake up like I have the flu or a cold. Some days a fever. Some days I have rashes. It's not lupus. It's not Lyme. It's not anything we fucking know and nothing will stop it. That's what is the final nail - among a million I haven't mentioned. The steroids have put on 30 lbs in 2018.... it's gross. I had to buy all new clothes. And no I am not killing myself over being a 36 (though some gays might) - it's just gross to see my body like this....on top of everything else.

I am rambling pretty hard-core....the meds kicked in like an hour ago.... thank you all again. If you knew what I had planned 100% and the fact I am reconsidering it even slightly... it's pretty impressive for just responses on a message board.

I just don't want to be a guinea pig all 2020 from one doctor to the next (I saw tons this year - had CT scans - scopes - no help despite trying 10 different drugs) and the thing is I have to live with these symptoms every day and wait months to see doctors who have no solutions...it's really the thing that I am struggling with the most, aside from the fact I might declare bankruptcy - which isn't even anywhere near as stressful as this particular health problem which has no name or known cause. (It's not morgellons- my favorite DL disease). It's nothing. Maybe auto-immune, but all the tests for that were negative though my sed rate and CRP have been high this entire year...other than when I'm on a steroid.

Good Night!

30 lbs in 2019*

[quote]They just want the pain to stop, and it's reached a level that exceeds their ability to cope with it.

So instead you force the pain onto other people that have to deal with your sudden death. I am tired of this selfish excuse from drama queens. Unless you are really dying from some incurable disease you have no excuse to do something about your problem. If it's a mental thing there is always a way to fix it. But you have to do the work and that is the problem I have seen with people.

Someone I know in particular has tried 3 times to kill herself. All she really wants is attention. She's rich, in good health, single and still very pretty but she is no longer 25 or 35, she's 65. Oh she goes to psychiatrist and she's taken dozens of psych meds but does she ever try to just change her attitude or behavior of life? Not a chance. She wants a cure in a bottle or knight and shining armor but cant be bothered to be kind to strangers or do something for charity that doesn't involve here getting some kind of reward or possibility of meeting a rich man.

"But she is in so much pain" That's her favorite line.

R35 ok, realize that steroids put weight on you. I have gained 40 lbs, too. There is definitely nothing worse than added weight to an already fucked up mind or body.

STOP, and I mean STOP playing victim, NOW! I wrote a saying, “Just because I’m in pain, doesn’t mean I have to be a pain”. Life gets better when we breath. Try this meditation daily. Even if you cannot stay focused to finish, keep trying. Never give up’.

Side Note: Some medications can cause terrible side effects. I rarely take what the doctors give me. I find mentally, physically I do better without a shit load of crap in my system. I even deal with broken ribs (I shrug my shoulder they break and also frequently dislocate).

Now is the time for you to remove Drama tiara and pull your big boy plants up and decide what you want from life. If you choose to live, then soar.

R38 big boy PANTS UP, not plants. Lmao.

[quote] Bankruptcy is easy for people who want to go bankrupt. That is not my area of expertise. It's not really easy if you still have a car or your parents die or if you need your tax return in the next two years. But it will wipe out 80 grand in debt if that's the major cause of your stress. You won't have credit again for 8 years. I can tell you how to feel good about yourself and wallow in the deep at the same time. You can't avoid one, so learn the other.

May I debunk most of this? (And I know you were only trying to be helpful.) I can speak from firsthand experience. Most of what you mentioned doesn't happen with bankruptcy. I filed at the end of 2009 after taking a major hit AND losing my job, living off of credit cards and already having debt. I dragged my heels for a year because I was so ashamed of having to file bankruptcy, but I finally realized there was no other solution.

- I was 3 1/2 years into paying on a car I'd bought (on which I never missed a payment). I signed a paper promising to continue my car payments and was able to keep it. They don't want to take away your car if you can show you can pay it. No car many times means no way to get to work, though these days with Uber/Lyft, that's less true depending where you live.

- A couple months after my bankruptcy, I opened two credit cards, both secured, for $600 each. Within a year, I was approved for non-secured cards. I made sure to keep my credit card debt down and try and pay for as much as possible up front, but it was good to have the cards there for emergencies. In under 7 years from bankruptcy, I qualified for a card with a $10,000 limit. I can't tell you how it will reflect on you getting an apartment, as I lived at my same place through all of this, but I did move two years ago (8 yrs after the bankruptcy) and had no trouble. But I can tell you this- carrying $80K in debt you can't pay isn't going to qualify you for an apartment, either.

Tackle one problem at a time. The burden of debt off your back could very possibly help with some of your immune issues. I know this sounds crazy, but stress plays a HUGE role in autoimmune situations. Many years ago, I was working a very very stressful job. I came into some money and decided to quit the job because it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life and it was just killing me. I took some time off, and within 6 weeks of not working and not pushing that stress back with all my might, my immune system went haywire from being overloaded and me relaxing it for the first time in a few years. I became allergic to almost everything. I had respiratory issues. I went from doctor to doctor and was misdiagnosed a handful of times, which only exacerbated my anxiety. But once I got a handle on things (and there WAS an underlying medial issue that had caused my immune system to go into overdrive) by body equaled out. I also wound up on anti-anxiety meds (after MUCH protestation, not understanding that a chemical imbalance happen any time in one's life).

I'm not at all trying to say that your immune issues are all in your head or are only being caused by psychological issues. I believe there's something physiological happening. But the stressors that are weighing on you because you cannot get a diagnosis and treatment, COMBINED with your stressors over debt, and where you're going to live, etc. etc. I guarantee you they are exacerbating your immune problems. I know my stressors did.

So why not tackle the ones you can do something about? I promise the lessened burden will make you feel better mentally and emotionally, and could help ease some of the physical issues. Bankruptcy is very easy to do and I can tell you it will not scar you for life. We all need a hand at some point.

All the best to you. You may feel alone, but you're not.

Thanks r40. I am also wondering - do you go before a judge and explain yourself or something? I just would think a judge would tell me to go fuck myself given how much I've spent...like what right do I have to get it wiped clean? I fucked up by spending it. I can explain what all happened, but can't they still say - no - get out - no BK for you.

[quote]there WAS an underlying medial issue that had caused my immune system to go into overdrive

What was it? Did you mean the stress or something beneath that?

R41 I’ll speak for R41 STRESS

R40. You can debunk it, but I met with the bankruptcy trustee and that's what I was told. That my car and previous property could be in for a lien against them. Anything purchased in the last 12 months over $500 dollars ( on credit card ) might have to be sold. The Bankruptcy would take 18 months to go through and that would involve two years of my tax refunds being taken in addition to the $1,800. If I had an inheritance during that time, any amount owing to creditors would be taken. I didn't go with the bankruptcy. Still r40 chose to quote me? So I've expanded. Of course anyone can get an secure card at anytime. If you have money to buy a secured $1,000 card, you aren't likely bankrupt. They'd like to know about it, ha. It does take 7 years after bankruptcy discharge for it to fall off your credit. Your credit will remain under 600 until that time. That's what I was informed. And no, you don't have to go in front of a judge suicidal one. The Bankruptcy trustee doesn't even have to go in front of a judge. But it will appear that they did. Your humiliation is all in the paperwork and the 18 month monitoring of your finances. After that, all clear. And it is the right thing to do for some people, obviously.

Funny how many men are willing to fall back on finance problems and solutions - when their pain is located somewhere else. I shake my head. Don't get distracted by the attention OP. Unless that was your purpose all along. Good luck.

I know lots of people who went BK, some more than once and their credit bounce right back because they are no longer a risk that can be written off in another BK right away. All the people who I know did it are much better off financially years later than I am and I have always paid my bills. Businesses do it all the time. It's not that big of a deal. You just cant be expecting to live in a million dollar house or driving a 40,000 car in the process.

[OP] Of course you failed at suicide. Can't you do anything right?

I'm glad you failed. There are reasons for you to live, and I hope you find them. Pain is temporary - don't take a permanent action for a temporary situation.

A lot of suicides fail and most people live to be glad that it did.

Drama queen!

We merely told you to die in a grease fire, not to off yourself.

[quote] Thanks [R40]. I am also wondering - do you go before a judge and explain yourself or something? I just would think a judge would tell me to go fuck myself given how much I've spent...like what right do I have to get it wiped clean? I fucked up by spending it. I can explain what all happened, but can't they still say - no - get out - no BK for you.

You have to show up in court and it takes 10 minutes. Don't listen to the pissy queen at R43. He clearly has an axe to grind. If you had an Inheritance like he did, then you wouldn't need to be filing for bankruptcy. Fuck him.

[quote] there WAS an underlying medial issue that had caused my immune system to go into overdrive

[quote] What was it? Did you mean the stress or something beneath that?

My immune system went into overdrive because of I had developed an allergy to the small particle pollution in the air after moving to a large city. I'd been there about three years at that point, and I had been fighting it and fighting it, and once I unclenched from the stress of the job I had, it all caught up with me and the symptoms went into overdrive. Started out thinking it was bronchitis, then I had the turbinates in my nasal passages burned out, was put on all manner of inhalers and steroids. No diagnosis, no solution. I took to sleeping on my couch for a year because I had become allergic to my sleigh bed frame (the wood). I had to get rid of a bunch of wood furniture. I had to go all scent free because any perfume or dye or such sent my throat into closing. And the more the doctors told me it was all in my head, the more paranoid I got. If I sneezed, I was sure I was dying. It turned me into a complete hypochondriac. I would have panic attacks in the middle of class, anywhere really. But I learned to manage it, and started on anti-anxiety meds, so that the stress and panic could be kept to a tolerable level, and then when I was finally diagnosed and treated, it took about a year of injection therapy and slowly the things I had suddenly developed an allergy to no longer bothered me.

Several years later, I was diagnosed with cancer (totally unrelated), and after 8 months of chemo, my immune system went nuts again. Abut 2 months after finishing chemo, I began getting hives and my lips and throat would swell up for no reason. My immune system had come roaring back and was at such a high level that it was attacking my body. So that was another year of a different injection therapy, but it went away fairly quickly.

OP change your verbiage. I hear doom and gloom. Your words are lacking hope. It’s almost self fulfilling prophecy thinking. You think it then you create it. It works with negativity, too.

Would it have killed you to have at least posted a picture or link OP? Would it? I mean would that have really been so hard? Would it? Why don’t you try to think more of others next time before you post? What's your problem? I mean really, what's your damn problem?

Next time, OP, try M&Ms.

OP, we need an update! Pretty please. We all love you.

Wow r49, you went through a lot. Thanks for replying. I never talked to *anyone* who has gone through this fucked up immune / sick / allergy thing before and I've searched for nearly a year. I can't find a single person. I also had to throw away a lot of furniture, like you did. For me, it was because I didn't know the cause and ended up moving to a new apt, throwing out my old stuff, and living on lawn furniture -- and the the immune thing came back 2 weeks later. I have had all kinds of HEPA and carbon filters in there, and even lab tests of the environment & there's nothing we can find. I was also trying to get clarifix done - if that was the same surgery you had. I don't know if it's on the turbinates. I think it's on the nerves the lead to the nose. They won't do it until I've failed every steroid in the book, which is bizarre - since it is rather non-invasive. I wish this board had PMs so I could talk to you more r49.... I seriously have never talked to anyone who went through this and I cannot even believe you found this thread with something very similar to the freakish problem I have...and you've even done the same things.

The update is dull. I'm not doing anything so don't worry. I haven't paid for DL so I couldn't post earlier.

I woke up feeling like shit. I stayed up 2 hrs past the time I took my drugs & was supposed to sleep, which also meant I was shoving crappy food in my mouth. So I was worse this morning from bad sleep last night. It is bad in the mornings sometimes. It can take 2-3 hours for me to just feel normal. Morning depression is a shitty thing. After 3 hours, when it goes away, it makes no sense in retrospect.

I talked to my mom and one of my friends called me who I haven't talked to since this all happened & he was a mix of angry / concerned. Finally I could get him OFF the topic and on to something more amusing. Seriously, it doesn't help to have someone call and say "ARE YOU TAKING DRUGS? DID YOU REALLY TRY TO KILL YOURSELF???? ALL THE LOCKS NEED TO BE TAKEN OFF YOUR DOORS!!" Like calm the fuck down, this only gives me more anxiety.

I have to say the posts in this thread were really great and unexpected. DL isn't always like this.

For the financial people ... I have a money in my 401k + Roth IRA combined. This would still leave me with credit card debt and a car loan left, but I wouldn't have to declare BK - I would just lose my 401k and IRA (it's not a lot of money - under 100k). Would that make more sense than a BK? It seems like it might... but then I literally wouldn't have a penny to my name in cash or in retirement. I still wouldn't cover all of my debts with my retirement accounts, though I could get a loan consolidation perhaps...though I don't know if they'd give one to someone with no job right now.

Seems like the right meds can help at least for the short term. If benzos get you through, fine. Or alcohol, or pot. Better to an alive addict than a dead suicide. Things resolve. But my sense if there are some serious physical/mental challenges OP faces that will need more acceptance and perseverance than easy fixes. Accept the suffering. It changed my life,

OP, how are you?

"OP, we need an update! Pretty please. We all love you."

I don't. I think the pitiful OP is somebody with a lot of time on his hands, so he's getting some jollies by pulling the wool over the eyes of some very gullible people.

R57 I think I’m beginning to agree with you.

Im sorry...stay here, we love you

R12 "I took a vacation at an attempt for genuine emotion and connection.... ". Somewhat similar experience here. After years of being unable to travel I've done a little this year. Nothing spectacular. While I got some enjoyment out of it, it didn't mean as much to me as I hoped. Everything was just sort of blah. I kept thinking "This would have meant a lot more 10 years ago ". I'm going to try again in a few months but the feelings of curiosity and passion about seeing a new place aren't that strong. I'm doing this because after years of deprivation, I feel I should travel. And I'm so unhappy with the area that I'm living that these temporary breaks do help a little. But I can't shake the feeling that staying in a place that I despised for so long (due to personal obligations ) has damaged my ability to enjoy much of anything.

R60 - travel doesn’t do it for me after about 50. The thrill of new experiences and ways of living were meaningful in my 20s and 30s. Now I just want peace and happiness. Nature walks, quiet alone time. And an occasional night out at the gay bars to remind me of gay life.

Lies - if you took 10 -15 Grams of ghb you would be in out for at least 16 hours, shallow breathing and probably puking out all the rest of what you took.

"Im sorry...stay here, we love you."

Speak for yourself. YOU love him. That seems pretty gross.

Is that all there is?

I wonder if he OP was successful? He has not been back on DL. He probably will come back and haunt all you mean Queens. Although, I hope he just is busy or is locked inside the bathroom.

R61 I’m with you on the travel thing. The old saying “wherever you go, there you are” applies. Going on a trip won’t ‘fix’ you if you’re clinically depressed, you’ll just be depressed in a different place.

How are you doing op?

R67 I hope, OP, did not fall in to a black hole, literally.

We're all concerned about you OP.

We know this is a very tough and very, very painful time for you.

I take 500mg of Fuckitall daily

100mg of Xanax? Do you mean 10mg?

"We're all concerned about you OP."

Speak for yourself, hon. I'm not concerned about him. Trolls don't concern me.

r11. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Your post was really helpful for me. So I decided, that tommorow will be my personal day: Just for me.

Huge kisses darling. Tons of.

Dear OP and Anyone Else,

IIRC it was in an old Agatha Christie mystery that one character said to the other who had survived a suicide attempt something along the lines of it wasn’t your time, you will do something important (significant) one day although you may never know it.

OP, I’d bet my next paycheck on you and that you mean a great deal more to many people than you realize. And isn’t it amazing and fascinating to ponder how one act of kindness can trickle and ripple out? Sorry for rambling; is this making any sense?

PS The poster talking up thread about effects of stress on immune system is correct.