New! DL Makes Homemade Fortune Cookies For Members. What Cunty Messages Can We Expect...

The closet kills

It’s What You Just Ate That Makes You A Fat Whore.

Confucius say, die in grease fire, dishonorable OP!

Run. Run for your life.

"Did you work at Gap from 1992 to 2006 and saved the paper playlists that came with each month's CD/tape? If so, please share them with me at the email address on the blog below."

Your earrings clash with your caftan.

Face it. You're limited.

Cunt.

Like you, I smell cookies too—ever since I was stuffed in here.

Different on outside, same on inside!

Wow. You let go of your pearls long enough to crack me open.

We're no strangers to love,

You know the rules, and so do I…

Did you really have to eat all that food, fat ass

Moo goo gai Pan = cat.

Like your life and your hole, that's how the cookie crumbles.

We put MSG in it anyway because FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!

God will get you for that.

Cheapskate, now give you waitress a $10 tip.

I knew a girl who ate here every day. And then she died.

Muriel is ALWAYS in charge, Cunts!

You better get tested quickly since Danny Pintauro jizzed in your egg drop soup.

Are you sure they make pants big enough for you, lard ass? Go walk.

Can't you say "fried rice," you plick?

Expect to lose all of your money by 2021.

XL isn’t just a size, it’s you.

no “me chinese, me play joke?”

you bitches are slipping.

I'm gonna tell the Rabbi you had pork dumplings.

[quote]no “me chinese, me play joke?” you bitches are slipping.

Except here they serve Pepsi.

You really were adopted, Ssshhh!

If you ever want to see your dog again, leave $1000 in unmarked bills in a brown paper bag outside the kitchen door.

Sum ting wong!

You're a whore darlin'.

We don't give a fuck about your fake food allergies, frau!

The reason your fat ass keeps gulping and slurping down our Lo Mein noodles is that we coat them in opium.

Ha! Ha! Your dish really did have gluten.

Snowflakes in an avalanche never feel responsible.

Aren’t you finally going to tell your wife you’re gay? If not, I just did.

Everybody hates you.

All your options stink, Cheryl.

An ounce of ketchup in your lady ham can be of service at the strangest hour.

Julie, I hate you because you're a cunt.

It’s ok that you have a micro penis, some guys like it, not me.

Fortune closed.

Drop the Tea.

Two tears in a bucket, mother-fuckit.

"Did you enjoy the cat?"

Present Hole

"You will be refused a large cheese purchase."

There is another tiring Janet Jackson thread in your future.

When you get hungry in an hour, please come see Mr. Tung in the kitchen for his special sauce.

Douching is your friend.

Wanna get laid? Stick your head up a chicken's ass and wait.

My cookie was so on point:

‘All we can really offer you is food for thought’

I bet you type fat.

You type even fatter after eating this crap!

Don't ever come back you fat whore!!!

Don't bother calling the health inspector. We bribed his ass into submission.

That noodle moving in your chow mein, was a worm.

Yes, even we think Constance Wu is a bitch, too.

Don't spend your last $100 on that Madonna ticket

Even eldergay bottoms need love

I feel sorry for your toilet.

We all know your secret, you’re gay.

You can't prove you didn't put those cat hairs yourself, round eyes!

That fat surgery you supposedly had, did not work.

Tonight you will have Wonton sex.

Your cat loves you. But no one else does.

Your shrimp was really flavored catfish from our in-house aquarium.

Miss Lindsey, you need a new gentleman caller. Trump isn't working out.

You have AIDS

All the underage dick in the world won't fix the hole in your heart, Mr. Spacey

The answer to what happened to your emotional support pig can be found in your stomach.

Don’t walk outside, because the cops are waiting for you. DNA bitch, you’re busted.

People who shit on glass coffee table become Datalounge Legend.

Don't believe that piano-playing cat from [italic]The Aristocats[/italic]; our accuracy rate is much greater than zero.

French Provincial Is Over

The brown rice is just white rice with food coloring, and the white rice is just brown rice coated with Elmer's glue.

No, the A&F your flabby 56-year-old ass is Spanxed into does not help you pass for a Helix Studios twink. And why are you wearing flip-flops in November, queen?

Just because you've got a Buddha belly doesn't actually make you Buddha.

Your dining buddy really hates you.

This fortune is made from 100% recycled toilet paper.

Wise man only wipe front-to-back.

The dirt on the table, was dung. You’ve been infected with EColi

The lettuce in the salad bar was organically grown and hand-picked in Salinas, California.

Oh, fank you. You fixed my fortune cookie.

R84 seriously, your posts have me literally lol. I never tire of your humor. 😘

The cameras in the bathroom caught you with the waiter.

Any resemblance between this homogenized syrupy slop and what people actually eat in China is purely coincidental.

The waiter was a “they” not a him. Give it right, cunt.

If you drop your pants, then the meal is free. Don’t tell them I told you.

Leave the waiters alone, Kevin Spacey. And the bartenders and busboys, too.

You pay extra since your farts get trapped in the booth cushions.

Expect explosive diarrhea in an hour. 🚨

After sex with our waiters, you'll be horny again in an hour!

Sure, Jan.

Not only did we put pee-pee in your Coke, but we took a great big dump in your Dr. Pepper as well!

Don’t cum here looking for fun.

Prepare for surprise anal!

You my act butch, but you're still a little girly girl inside.

Punch & Delete your date, he's not gonna pay for your dinner.

You're a GRINDR whore, darling.

Get off the cross, drama queen. We need the wood to make more chopsticks.

We know your “friend” is really your butt buddy.

Confucius say: He who fail to pre-lube now, pay big price later.

Expect a heart attack by tomorrow morning.

Your mom knows you're homo.

Your mom knows you're A homo.

Please don't eat me.

Stock up on toilet paper. You will need it. Trust.

THIS is why you can't have nice things.

Canned Air Freshener will be your third leg soon.

You will meet a nice, tall, handsome man ... and he will point and laugh at you for being so fat and greasy.

Printed on the front: I’m telling you NOW, so I don’t have to tell you THEN.

Scrawled in pencil on the back: PLEASE HELP!! Held captive in Brother Sun’s Gulag. Sweatshop conditions. This is not a joke. Please call my nana at 555-555-5555.

Look for a ground floor living accommodation, fatso.

Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're a cunt.

Hot guys don't want your ugly fat ass

The only Rhinestone Cowboy was Glen Campbell, twinkle toes.

We ran out of fortune, so we give you cookie dough emoji.

Always remember did goes rancid, just like your girlfriend’s crotch.

If you’re the guy with the brown hair and hot bod, do Confucius a favor, give your digits to bartender.

Wipe front to back.

We're buying up all the real estate in your city.

Swipe right for Asian dick!

I give you free food, if you “visit” kitchen.

Me so horny. Me love you long time.

Oh, sorry. That's the Vietnamese restaurant down the street. My mistake.

Neither Netflix nor Pornhup will deliver chicken soup when you've got the flu. We do. Keep that in mind.

Guys, he opened it! The fool really opened it!

If you tip more than $50 you become new owner.

Redrum!

Always remember FISH goes rancid, just like your girlfriend’s crotch.

You are beyond help. Get in kitchen and jump into our grease fire.

Confucius say, “Fuck you, Cunt! Keep your creepy ass and family out of here. Your all a bunch of worms.”

GET OUT! We need the table for new guests.

If you read this someone else got the poisoned dish.

Your dick stays small, sorry.

Don’t the let the door hit you in the house.

Donald Trump asked China to investigate the Bidens. On more than one occasion.

Present hole today.

Beware of waitress bearing Chinese fortune cookie in Japanese restaurant.

DID! YOU! BRUSH! YOUR! TEETH! WITH! A! CORPSE??!!

Christ shall return - and boy, is he mad at you.

Did I say ONE wish? Shit, I'll give you THREE wishes!

Pandora? Is that you?

You have won a tour of Willy Wonka's magical chocolate factory!

They ALL did it.

You know have ten seconds to clear the area. This cookie will self-destruct.

[Quote] Get off the cross, drama queen. We need the wood to make more chopsticks.

LOL

Did you know that MSG will make your penis huge?

Cut or Uncut?

Has anyone seen the arsenic? Oh wait, it was used in your food. RIP.

Seriously all, this is one of the funniest threads in a long time. Love it and you.

He's just not that into you.

You permanently banned from buffet, fatty!

We spat in your food.

Eat my shit bitch! Yum yum!!

Eat my shit bitch! Yum yum!!

We all know you’re bulimic. You’re a hot mess!

Buck never would have eaten at this dump!

He lied: He wasn't on PrEP.

Your slip is showing

The Chef is going to murder you. Get out now, cunt.

The next cookie is from Pennywise the Clown.

Stop lying, you don't look a day under 65.

My name is Jose and I have a big dick. Eat Mexican food.

Death becomes you.

For a good time call 867-5309.

People like you are going to get Trump re-elected.

Everybody knows you're a secret alcoholic.

It’s time to remove your heroin needle, we all know.

You just came here to find the booze and the boys, didn't you?

Your dick hasn’t lived if you have not had a man.

The call is coming from inside the cookie.

That really wasn’t Chicken! Or Was It? Or Wasn’t it?

Thanks for giving us your address when you made your reservations. We just robbed your house.

Expect a car accident on the way home. Fix your heart now, cunt.

Fortune not available at this time. Please try again after your colonoscopy.

Congratulations! You've been impeached.

You know that Orange man you voted for, well you can thank him for the increase in prices.

You will have diabetes very soon, please put down the cookie.

Dat’s da suck job!

Cut or uncut make no difference if tang tang too tiny.

This Fortune brought to you by Chang TangTang Booster

This fortune was brought to you by Daddy’s puduter.

"Your next dog will need many anal gland cleansings."

You are a deplorable person and everyone hates you, except Jesus.

You will meet a piss freak.

This food is nothing but sodium and cholesterol. We keep cardiologists in business.

You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, that stranger will be John Travolta.

You will waste $1.50 every month for the next 10 years, sucker!

You brokedid the cookie!

Your next piss will be all blood. I smell prostate cancer.

All straight men wish to taste your scrotum.

Save your cum it’s an excellent addition to add extra froth to your egg nog. Merry fucking Christmas.

You will never be a mid-century WASP.

In your future you will find drunken loneliness.

Your cookie is made out of small glass particles and will literally cut your stomach and intestines to bits.

No, you don't have sufficient, and you never will.

Go back to your hometown, we all hate you living here.

Your missing kitten is closer to you than you think.

Your father, Tanner, was really Tanya growing up.

You will die with pants around ankles and smile on lips.

Who is it?

FREE AT LAST!!!

You grabbed me and now I feel broken! #fortunecookiemetoo

... --- ...

In four years you will be in prison for murdering your brother.

Wash your ass.

Trust me, in about an hour you'll be wishing you stayed in and ordered pizza.

You have been infected with AIDS.

I moonlight as the gnome who turns on the light in your fridge.

SURRENDER DOROTHY

Kilroy was here.

There is a sniper in the parking lot waiting to shoot you. Whomever kills you first gets $100,000.

Now you at least have an excuse to smell cookies.

Dear Harlan Ellison. Where were you? We waited and waited, but...

Your lunch date told all your secrets during your bathroom break. We all hate you.

We pay people to like you. You were supposed to be an abortion but we were broke. It all ends in poo.

You are about to get a case of the shits you never thought was humanly possible.

Forget my Jim Beam on the way home and I'll fucking glass you one.

PARKING VIOLATION #3400984

Could you just say the word "passport" loudly and clearly? Thanks!!

🚨 Wide Load coming through the exit doors soon. Make way!

Do you know how many fingerprints are on this fortune?

/sound of heavy breathing

Nice going, schmuck. You just opened the Seventh Seal.

Your ancestry results have been updated you are now Asian and Hispanic.

I am a fragment of Hitler's soul. I am damned to spend eternity as a million fortune cookies, being endlessly shoved into ovens, broken open and eaten by the obese, unable to scream in agony. To avoid my hellish fate, whatever you do, don't start a three-front campaign, declare war on the three largest superpowers, banish your top atomic scientists and gas six million...you know what, it isn't THAT hard to avoid.

Let's just say there's a little of us in everything we bake.

Heroin is your friend.

Sign here in blood: X

You're about to eat a cookie shaped like a cunt.

You ARE the father!

No, Luke. I...am your father.

Oh btw, you’re allergic to nuts. Your food had nuts. Is your chest tight?

One order fried wings to rule them all...

You were molested.

Did you hear something snap?

You have the ugly face you truly deserve.

I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy!

Eat me

We are perfectly aware you are getting a footjob.

But ya ARE, Blanche!

Are you sure you wouldn't pra-fer a wafer-theeen mint?

Money? I - I have money - money! I'll give you anything, name your price! A blowjob? Sex? Whatever you want - just - please - oh please, for the love of God don't eat me!!!

Doctor, I think there's something wrong with the Tardis.

Why did you eat like this was your last supper, Biotch. You’re just obese.

"Become a thin strip of paper" they said. "Lots of opportunities on Wall Street" they said. "You'll be a big hit at every parade" they said.

I'm afraid this fortune is negative. But things could worse. You could be reading something positive. Like a home pregnancy kit.

You’re not really disabled, you’re just obese.

It will happen tonight. The Dark Lord lies alone and friendless, abandoned by his followers. His servant has been chained these twelve years. Tonight, before midnight... the servant will break free and set out to rejoin his master. The Dark Lord will rise again with his servant's aid, greater and more terrible than ever he was. Tonight... before midnight... the servant... will set out... to rejoin... his master...

Let's see, I think that's all I'm getting....safe home and if you haven't already, call your mom!

(signed) BANKSY

That's be $2.50 for the first minute and $1.50 for each additional minute!

I am, like, totally baked.

You drunken slut, stay out of our restaurant.

😹 Meow ..... You just eat a pussy!

When you write your negative Yelp review, remember - you've had worse things in your mouth.

Smell me.

We forgot the decimal point when charging the bill, so your order cost $2503 instead of $25.03. Enjoy paying it off in the kitchen, tubby!

That wasn’t salt bitch, it was arsenic.

THIS WILL END IN TEARS.

Crybaby no one like you.

We charge bulimics double for barfing chow.

We know you escorted in college. Whore!

Yes, you are fat!

I would advise to spend your Summer indoors, pig man.

You have a ghost.

Help me, Obi Wan. You're my only hope.

Get you ass to a psychiatrist, STAT. We all hate you.

Drain your lomein.

Better luck with leprechaun in box of Lucky Charms.

Everything have MSG.

We only accept Diners Club.

You will soon be arrested for money laundering, the jig is up.

"Stuff this cookie into the next guy that presents hole."

Wise little gay man stear clear of Faye Dunaway.

🐶 It don't taste like chicken cause it not real chicken!

You're the Lucky Winner of An Evening of Dining and Dancing with Kevin Spacey !

Bill Cosby made your drinks.

This is Ripley of the USS Nostromo...

Deposit: NY; HI; CA

Hello, I'm Talking Tina and I think I hate you.

I'd tell you to jump in the lake but who wants the tsunami, Gigantor?

You might as well quit your job now, because you are being watched by management. Your work sucks.

NORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMAN??

We saw you steal the top shelf liquor. You drunken fool.