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Am I a Sociopath?

All my life I've always been the nice guy. At work everyone thinks I'm great, I've been promoted to an executive position, my boss leaves me alone to do what I think needs to be done. Everyone thinks I have so much knowledge and integrity and I'm really well known throughout the whole corporation at the highest levels. What few friends I have think I'm really nice. Everyone likes to tell me their problems and secrets and freely share gossip with me. But the truth is I really hate people. I prefer to be alone. I have contempt for other human beings and don't really care what happens to them. When people at work or friends have a tragedy I'll listen but don't really care and the only thing going through my mind is that why are they wasting my time. I have countless examples of these thoughts. In public walking down the street I look at everyone with contempt and just wish they would all disappear. I'm 58, live in NYC and have always been this way for as long as I can remember. If someone was killed in front of me in the street I'd just keep walking and resent the interruption. I just feel like such a fraud. I've never talked about this with anyone. I just don't feel anything anymore.

by Anonymousreply 103November 17, 2019 6:27 AM

I'm the same way, OP. I feel dissonance in my life because of it.

by Anonymousreply 1November 11, 2019 2:40 AM

You're just a DLer.

by Anonymousreply 2November 11, 2019 2:43 AM

Sounds like a typical New Yorker to me.

by Anonymousreply 3November 11, 2019 2:43 AM

Y’all need Jesus. x

by Anonymousreply 4November 11, 2019 2:47 AM

Glad I'm not alone. That actually makes me feel a bit more conformable. Thanks everyone.

by Anonymousreply 5November 11, 2019 2:57 AM

Thought you didn’t feel anything? You’re a poor excuse for a sociopath.

by Anonymousreply 6November 11, 2019 2:59 AM

I think everyone has sociopathic tendencies. We are just taught from a young age how to hide it.

by Anonymousreply 7November 11, 2019 3:02 AM

No, you sound more like schizoid personality disorder, there's a subtype ("secret schizoids") that is adept at faking normalcy and even charm, but they have no genuine interest in others and often hold them in (mild) contempt.

by Anonymousreply 8November 11, 2019 3:08 AM

I think its an age thing. I didnt used to feel the way you do,but every since I turned 45 more and more I can relate to not giving a shit. Ill be 59 in a few days and I pretty much hate everyone . Even people I "like" make my skin crawl.

by Anonymousreply 9November 11, 2019 3:10 AM

I've felt that way since I was a teenager and still do at age 40.

by Anonymousreply 10November 11, 2019 3:13 AM

[quote]When people at work or friends have a tragedy I'll listen but don't really care and the only thing going through my mind is that why are they wasting my time. I have countless examples of these thoughts.

I'm almost the same as OP, on all the points except hating people, not caring about what happens to people and not being bothered if I saw someone killed. I don't like when other people tell me of their troubles since I never bother anyone with mine. However, I'm very empathetic, and it hurts me a lot to see other people hurt or in distress. I guess that's why OP is a sociopath and I'm not.

by Anonymousreply 11November 11, 2019 3:17 AM

I don't think you're a sociopath. You sound more like a misanthrope.

by Anonymousreply 12November 11, 2019 3:23 AM

You're probably somewhere in cluster B territory, but your self-awareness effectively eliminates psychopathy / sociopathy.

by Anonymousreply 13November 11, 2019 3:23 AM

I'm with r12 - based on what you've said, you're a misanthrope, not a psychopath or sociopath.

A psychopath does not have that little voice inside his head telling him what he's doing is wrong. A sociopath has that voice, but it doesn't prevent him from doing something, but it's loud enough for him to know what he's doing is wrong and to cover it up.

You sound like the little voice actually prevents you from doing things that would be viewed as socially unacceptable. Strangely, I don't get why you bother to listen to other people tell you their woes, rather than simply making an excuse and getting away.

There is something more to your behavior that you knowingly allow yourself to be put into situations with other people just so that you are forced to grin and bear it. People don't continue to do things for which they do not receive some emotional benefit. Deep down, you gain some satisfaction - perhaps you enjoy feeling superior.

by Anonymousreply 14November 11, 2019 3:30 AM

No, not a sociopath based on what you’ve said. Their hallmark is EXPLOITING others and not giving a damn. Only being involved with others who, and only for as long as, they have utility for them.

by Anonymousreply 15November 11, 2019 4:03 AM

I pretty much pretend to care about people's feelings and interests so I won't appear to be self centered. What does that make me?

by Anonymousreply 16November 11, 2019 4:03 AM

[quote]What does that make me?

Normal.

by Anonymousreply 17November 11, 2019 4:26 AM

OP is not normal. Even reading his confession gave me the creeps.

by Anonymousreply 18November 11, 2019 4:31 AM

It's just the Amer-I-can way

by Anonymousreply 19November 11, 2019 4:34 AM

[quote] All my life I've always been the nice guy.

Maybe that's the problem. People want to spill their guts to the nice guy. People want to ask favors of the nice guy. The nice guy probably keeps his problems to himself and solves his own problems, mostly.

I have a couple of friends that tell me their problems. The amount and extent of their problems stretches credulity and just sounds stupid, sometimes. I have my own damn problems that I need to work on!

by Anonymousreply 20November 11, 2019 4:49 AM

[quote]OP is not normal. Even reading his confession gave me the creeps.

OP's confession seems more like an honest confession from someone who is sufficiently self-aware to realize what he's doing.

Most people either lack the self-awareness to realize that they're probably thinking the same things in many situations or the honesty to admit it. Most people just float through life on autopilot without thinking about what they're doing. They stand, listen, and nod their heads sympathetically while thinking about what they're going to have for lunch, the hot new guy, or what's on someone's iPod.

by Anonymousreply 21November 11, 2019 4:50 AM

Donald Trump is a sociopath. He only cares about himself. He uses and abuses other people without remorse. Wall Street and corporate executive suites are full of sociopaths - they are just better at hiding their sickness than Trump is.

by Anonymousreply 22November 11, 2019 5:08 AM

You sound like someone who was damaged as a child and never quite got over it. Have had any psychotherapy? You could use it.

by Anonymousreply 23November 11, 2019 5:10 AM

It's introversion, aging, and depression.

by Anonymousreply 24November 11, 2019 5:22 AM

Op, MAGIC MUSHROOMS

by Anonymousreply 25November 11, 2019 5:25 AM

No, you're not because you are not mailing packages to kill people. That you care enough to get along says alot. Sociopaths can be assholes.

If you didn't really care, you would not even ask this question, because who cares what we random text strangers think? You probably feel stonewalled into a level of detachment from people. Whatever the reason that you care enough to even ask and haven't burnt someone's house down for the insurance money, not caring whether they were in it or not, just as long as you got your money, says alot.

by Anonymousreply 26November 11, 2019 5:30 AM

Boy, ain’t that the truth, R2! This site can make one depressed. That’s why I scan through for the wittiest and try to limit my time given here.

by Anonymousreply 27November 11, 2019 5:40 AM

The modern world and corporations and capitalism require sociopathic behavior. Caring about others and the general welfare is relegated to social workers and teachers. The average American is expected to be a corporate tool - and corporations and their leaders are almost by definition sociopaths.

Social good and caring about others is dead thanks to hypercapitalism. Hence Trump.

by Anonymousreply 28November 11, 2019 6:53 AM

Thank you R12. I think you nailed it. I am a misanthrope. I fit all the attached definitions to varying degrees. However, I do use social media but more as a lurker rather than an active participant. Now the big question: is it worth trying to change these behaviors or am I a lost cause? If so, how?

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by Anonymousreply 29November 11, 2019 12:53 PM

Misanthropism is so common now it's probably becoming the demographic norm in many places. Too many humans with shitty attitudes and behaviour. Won't end well.

by Anonymousreply 30November 11, 2019 12:58 PM

I only care about really hot guys with good personalities. What does that make me?

by Anonymousreply 31November 11, 2019 1:10 PM

R8, you changed my life. Finally an explanation. Thank you!

by Anonymousreply 32November 11, 2019 2:39 PM

OP = Patrick Bateman

by Anonymousreply 33November 11, 2019 2:54 PM

I only care about hot straight guys that let me suck their cock.

by Anonymousreply 34November 11, 2019 2:58 PM

R34 pathetically boring would be my guess

by Anonymousreply 35November 11, 2019 2:59 PM

Thanks OP! I now know I’m a misanthrope. I could have written your post.

by Anonymousreply 36November 11, 2019 3:17 PM

Add another one to your list of fellow misanthropes. I'm 67 and have never lived with anyone since college. I don't even let other people in my house unless they're here to to do work. I am very contemptuous of others but hide it well and am definitely considered "such a nice guy" by most people with whom I have casual relationships.

by Anonymousreply 37November 11, 2019 3:33 PM

I wish I hid it better, but most people figure out pretty quickly that I don't like them.

by Anonymousreply 38November 11, 2019 3:50 PM

I like people okay but I basically think about myself and my problems because I am around myself more than others.

What does that make me?

{P.S. I am also a full time caregiver to my mother who has dementia and cannot move or have bowel movements without maximum assistance so I think about her too by default.}

by Anonymousreply 39November 11, 2019 3:58 PM

OP 's next promotion.... CEO.

by Anonymousreply 40November 11, 2019 4:13 PM

I'm the exact opposite of the OP and many of the posters in this thread. I would be what you would call an empath. Part of the problem is living in NYC or any big city. Ironically, I have made the case against overpopulation because the higher the population density, the more people don't care about their fellow human beings.

For me, just taking public transport can be an exhausting experience since I tend to watch people and imagine details about their lives and who they are connected to. I would also suck at business because I have this disdain for taking advantage of people.

by Anonymousreply 41November 11, 2019 4:42 PM

I was just thinking about how someone can be capable of preying on old people and depleting their life savings. I'm sure you're not alone OP. The ones who infuriate me are the ones who vote democratic and feel they can hide behind their virtue.

by Anonymousreply 42November 11, 2019 4:44 PM

Matt Lauer needs to weigh in.

by Anonymousreply 43November 11, 2019 4:47 PM

For that matter, r43, why not call up pretty much any major media figure, from Degeneres to Geffen.

by Anonymousreply 44November 11, 2019 4:50 PM

😀 If you THINK YOU MIGHT BE a sociopath, you PROBABLY ARE.

by Anonymousreply 45November 11, 2019 4:54 PM

This thread explains Trump. I feel a lot of empathy and sympathy for people, even people I don't know. At this point in my life I can rarely help anyone.

I think op listens but he probably rarely tries to help anyone.

by Anonymousreply 46November 11, 2019 5:01 PM

I can absolutely sympathize with OP. I am considered the “nice guy” but I never volunteer, give to charity, or help anyone besides myself. I don’t even donate a dollar at the store when they ask. I politely say “not today!”

by Anonymousreply 47November 11, 2019 5:05 PM

I've felt similarly. As a kid, I had good parents, but I was severely bullied from ages 11-17 at school. And, I spent so much time protecting a secret (gay). On top of that, I've always been a severe introvert who didn't make friends easily. I also noted that I didn't seem to feel emotions of sadness as deeply as other people did. When relatives passed away, I felt unphased. On one hand I felt good that I wasn't vulnerable to sadness, but on the other hand, I felt detached from humanity. It always felt so natural to be alone. I would feel anxiety even if I was to go to the movies with a long-time, trusted friend. Still, I was considered "nice" because I was quiet (listened), and I was polite.

As I've gotten older, I've found myself changing. I feel like some upsetting life events have triggered deeper feelings in me. I tear up at movies, and I feel more sympathetic towards people. I want to make connections. I have a lot of catching up to do, though.

by Anonymousreply 48November 11, 2019 5:11 PM

R47 I wonder how many of these people lacking empathy are the same ones constantly raging at Trump. How can you spend so much time hating someone when you don't even give a damn if people live or die. Fuck off.

by Anonymousreply 49November 11, 2019 5:12 PM

Dear OP. Why do you claim that on one hand you don't care about people and yet on Datalounge you care about DLers' advice?

Are you an incel on a recruitment mission?

by Anonymousreply 50November 11, 2019 5:42 PM

There is no such thing as gay "incels" in the same sense as heteros. Gay guys that can't get laid just sort of vanish.

by Anonymousreply 51November 11, 2019 5:49 PM

Psychic Jesus nailed it.

by Anonymousreply 52November 11, 2019 5:52 PM

Since you are a nice guy who everyone turns to when they are in crisis or in pain you are more than likely not a sociopath. You may be simply experiencing what is known as Compassion Fatigue.

noun: compassion fatigue

indifference to charitable appeals on behalf of those who are suffering, experienced as a result of the frequency or number of such appeals.

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by Anonymousreply 53November 11, 2019 5:56 PM

You know what? I worry about this too because when my mom actually dies, I think I will be happy that she can never hurt me any. She bruised me up alot as a kid.

My dad was gone from my life alot but was more likable. When he died I was sad but also relieved I didn't have to fail forward in the rocky relationship with him.

I also work on healthcare and it's made me turn off empathy because I would be in an emotional swamp all day if I didn't. Whatever.

by Anonymousreply 54November 11, 2019 5:57 PM

Op, I thought you were going to say they don't know I have bodies under the floorboard.

I find psychopaths less boring.

by Anonymousreply 55November 11, 2019 9:24 PM

I wish I could figure out the difference between psychopaths, sociopaths, misanthropes, and cluster3s. It’s all too confusing.

by Anonymousreply 56November 11, 2019 9:26 PM

Funny, as I have grown older I see the suffering of people and animals all around me. I see old people and animals struggling to go about the day. I see the expressions on faces that from time to time give people away. I have to let it go and focus on the high road to keep from getting too sad- too despairing. I'm kind of the opposite of the OP, although it does not bother me. I do my best to help out when and where I can- but life is incredibly difficult for many (animals included) and there is no way around it. And being kind where ever and whenever I can seems to be one of the only anecdotes. The unfairness of life sends me into existential tizzies- so I let it go- all the time.

by Anonymousreply 57November 11, 2019 9:35 PM

Perhaps your sociopathy is due to your privileged upbringing OP. You may have a difficult time experiencing empathy because you haven't experienced any type of adversity in your life.

by Anonymousreply 58November 11, 2019 9:36 PM

I can watch a stranger get hurt and not feel anything. I’m just totally apathetic about other people. Don’t care if they’re doing good, and don’t care if they’re starving on the street sleeping in mud.

by Anonymousreply 59November 11, 2019 9:38 PM

I have become a misanthrope in my old age. Although I am an introvert, I used to like to be around people. Not anymore. I avoid them like the plague to the point I don't even want a housekeeper, and I really need one because of ill health. Life has also become very depressing if you are aware of the problems of the country and world. Climate change, dictators, too many people. I don't think you are a sociopath I think you are normal. It seems like everybody is becoming this way. Otherwise, why would people be constantly on their cell phones instead of interacting with other people?

by Anonymousreply 60November 11, 2019 9:38 PM

r58 I became like OP during a period of pretty extreme adversity. Prior to that I was much more empathetic and forgiving of human foibles. Ending up on the underbelly of society for a while does nobody any favours.

by Anonymousreply 61November 11, 2019 9:38 PM

R60, are you me? I have these exact same thoughts all the time

by Anonymousreply 62November 11, 2019 9:42 PM

R61 Are you apolitical? I see a lot of people become passive when they don't belong to any political group? Being passionate about something, even it's against something you used to believe, can help renew your purpose. I used to be way more political, became disillusioned when I saw the things I fought for was bullshit, but then regained my purpose again by forging a completely new identity.

by Anonymousreply 63November 11, 2019 9:43 PM

I sometimes fantasize that NYC, LA, and DC will be bombed resulting in many millions of people killed. It would change the world and I’m past middle age, so I would love to just sit back and watch it crumble. I don’t live in any of those cities so I would at least survive for a few months or years. I enjoy seeing people in agony.

by Anonymousreply 64November 11, 2019 9:47 PM

I’m like Op. While hating people is a strong word; I just don’t care about much.

I fake empathy well, however

by Anonymousreply 65November 11, 2019 10:28 PM

Let me tell you a secret.

When you die, you feel the effects of everyone, everything, every creature. You find out there's only one being, you are a giant organism, consciousness experiencing itself.

So someday we're all going to going through time warp where we remember why we are here and I'm going to experience this effect that my words had on everyone reading this, the good, the bad, the ugly.

Enjoy living!

by Anonymousreply 66November 12, 2019 3:40 PM

R66 - interesting view point! We are just a cell (organism) in this giant being. And I’m not even stoned!!!

by Anonymousreply 67November 12, 2019 4:16 PM

I’m no bleeding heart, but I do have empathy and a conscience. I don’t like to see people suffer.

Especially kids. They don’t deserve to suffer. Adulthood is hard enough.

by Anonymousreply 68November 12, 2019 4:34 PM

OP - I'm much the same as you. I"m well liked, respected by others, invited to social events. People confide in me about personal things. In reality, I don't care one iota about coworkers, acquaintances or neighbors. I hate the office birthday parties, baby showers, retirement parties. I particularly don't like people celebrating my birthday or achievements. I don't care about their problems, and I would never consider sharing anything personal with any of them. And being in an executive position makes it even worse because of the expectation that I care because of my position. All this touchy feely Oprah sort of stuff turns my stomach. I have a husband who is very outgoing, caring, etc. The exact opposite of me. We have been together 22 years and have a good marriage. We have a circle of a few very close friends, and I don't care to expand beyond that. I'm not rude, standoffish, impolite, condescending, or dismissive of others. I wait my turn, hold the door for others, etc. But I just could care less about people I don't know well.

by Anonymousreply 69November 12, 2019 4:51 PM

R69 I really hate office politics and I avoid social gatherings whenever I can. However, I don't use that excuse to treat everyone I come into contact with like shit. My time off work is valuable and I won't spend it with someone who I'm genuinely not interested in. If you don't have any kind of meaningful relationship outside of work then the problem might be with you.

by Anonymousreply 70November 12, 2019 5:08 PM

Many if not most real sociopaths know what they are and they absolutely don't care. They certainly don't worry that they might have some negative flaw that they might hurt others with. Why should they? Everyone else is an expendable, interchangeable bug to them. The only thing they worry about is someone finding out what they're truly like - it's why they spend so much energy charming people and constructing their charades - and only because of the potential negative consequences to *them.*

Most of you in this thread sound like introverts and misanthropes instead.

by Anonymousreply 71November 12, 2019 5:14 PM

Work I’m a charming sociopath. Real life - which sadly is wholly and completely separate from work where I spend most of my waking hours - I am a decent human being. It’s either schizophrenic compartmentalizations - or full time sociopathy thanks to our modern capitalist system.

by Anonymousreply 72November 12, 2019 5:15 PM

R48 I'm pretty much like you. When I was a kid I didn't feel much when things happened to other people. But I also knew there was a socially acceptable response to have, so I made myself react. I had no spontaneity and I remember telling myself "now you should smile", "they said a joke, so you should laugh", "he is sad you should look compassionate" although I didn't feel anything myself. It was a bit of a fake it till you make it situation.

People didn't realise it was fake. I was the one other kids came to talk to when they were sad or had problems all through elementary school. I knew exactly what they wanted to hear and I told them. Even if I didn't believe a word of it. I was even elected "kindest person" at the end of the year. I didn't care about them and I didn't miss them when I changed school.

I think I taught myself to feel, because I can be empathetic now. Feelings sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks and I can cry if something terrible happens to someone. I also usually feel injustice pretty strongly. But there are still times when I don't feel anything at all.

by Anonymousreply 73November 12, 2019 5:29 PM

Showing empathy for people in hard situations, when it doesn't get you anything in return, even if it's hard for you to feel it deep in your soul and even if you don't feel a strong attachment to the person, is still an act of genuine kindness IMO. Doctors and nurses do it all the time. There is only so much emotional energy a person has to spend on others and it varies from person to person, but if you're treating people with kindness and a willingness to listen without it being a way to manipulate people into doing things for you in return, that's still real and valuable.

by Anonymousreply 74November 12, 2019 5:43 PM

Perusing this thread is almost like looking in the mirror. I am in my 50s, but for most of my life, I have been perceived as the “nice guy.” Whenever I’ve heard (and still hear) expressions such as: “You’re so nice,” “he’s such a nice guy,” “you’re very caring,” “you’re so good,” “you’re a good man,” I have wanted to euthanize each and every mouth from which these condescending and inaccurate assessments have emerged.

Yes, there is some element in my demeanor that emits “nice,” “kind, “ and “warm” and “caring.” But it’s something I regard with anathema, and it’s certainly not indicative of my true personality. Similar to many of the others, I don’t give a shit. There are so few people in this world that I even like (let’s not touch “love”), I could count them on one hand.

What I’ll add to this discussion is that I didn’t always feel this way. In my younger days, I was a naturally generous, compassionate, and empathic soul. I was greatly concerned about our gay community and the world in general. I wanted to dispel prejudice and enable us all to be embraced and accepted not in spite of our differences, but because of them. If something happened to a friend of mine or even an acquaintance, I took it personally. I went that extra mile for those in need, and I was that 2:00 in the morning person that “friends” could call whenever there was a crisis.

And then you live. And then you experience life and begin to taste the poisons of the world as it is and the true definitions of “generosity” and “philanthropy.” You feel the impact when the “nice guy” gets recognized and rewarded for his good heart and compassion. That includes crushed dreams, behind the back laughter, exploitative, manipulative, opportunistic people who use you as a pawn for their own agendas, the loss of loved ones. And you realize there is no one there for you as you had been there for them. And you do one of two things. You self-destruct, or you become one of them.

Some have already stated that they always felt this way, but this behavior usually has beginnings and a definitive cause. Some just experienced the betrayals much earlier in life. OP isn’t a sociopath, because if he were, he would never be musing upon that possibility. Misanthropic, depressed, and the product of a decadent and callous social environment is more akin to his presentation. In this era of duplicity, it shouldn’t be a surprise that people wear multiple faces and play multiple roles. Perhaps, why I hate people the most is that I finally realize we’re all actors and we’re all pretending to be something we are not, be it happily married, intelligent, successful, important, unique, special, or “nice.”

But my profession requires that I continue to play the game. People at work see me still as that “nice guy” and I play along ($$$). But when I’m “off stage,” I relish being alone, having my home to myself, and I take unabashed delight in freezing out every living fucking creature that even attempts to bullshit, schmooze, or unload their pile of manure onto my psyche. You needn’t over aggress or even be rude. Nothing burns like the cold. The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.

Tuning into your personal cunt is extremely empowering, and never have I felt more accomplished. You’re not alone, OP. And just the same, rejoice in the fact that you ARE!

by Anonymousreply 75November 12, 2019 6:37 PM

There is a lot of truth and wisdom in your words, R75!

by Anonymousreply 76November 12, 2019 6:44 PM

R75 Excuse me, but it sounds like you're doing a lot of projecting. You say you don't want people to unload on you but the great irony is that's exactly what you've been doing over and over again by recreating yourself to be just like them. I guarantee that those people who you think don't give a shit about you have people in their lives who they truly care about. The fact that you want to shut out all others because of your own self loathing is very sad.

by Anonymousreply 77November 12, 2019 6:45 PM

Most people crave companionship. The majority of us are hard wired to form meaningful connections, even if only with other animals.

by Anonymousreply 78November 12, 2019 6:48 PM

R77 Excuse me, stranger, you don't even fucking know me and you're passing judgment. I don't burden anyone with problems, nor would I attempt to. I am making a statement about how people evolve through life and end up at a point in time when their emotional well is depleted. Read some of the entries on this thread if you're in doubt. Some words to the dumb. If you think you're so loved, think again. You're more hated than you'd ever care to know.

"Don't worry about the enemies that attack you. Worry about that friends who flatter you." -Dale Carnegie.

by Anonymousreply 79November 12, 2019 7:00 PM

OP Donald is that you ?

by Anonymousreply 80November 12, 2019 7:01 PM

I totally connect with the guys saying they secretly loathe others while smiling at them. I am always asking in my head “why is this person talking to me - I wish they would combust spontaneously and die.” Their meaningless banter makes me sick to my stomach. I’m too good to sit there and give them any attention at all. People are gross.

by Anonymousreply 81November 12, 2019 7:02 PM

R77 There's a difference between "unloading" on a person in front of you who has to either take it or be rude to escape you, and posting on an anonymous board where people who choose to can read it. I'm sure R75 wouldn't do the former.

by Anonymousreply 82November 12, 2019 7:03 PM

I wonder how successful a Misanthropes United political action group or thinktank would do, to influence government to make people be less bloody grating and maybe also advocate for sterilizing people below 100 IQ.

by Anonymousreply 83November 12, 2019 7:08 PM

It's clearly the right time for your to transition. Or add a gender. Better yet, subtract one!

by Anonymousreply 84November 12, 2019 7:17 PM

R79 The key is to make few meaningful connections and spend less emotional energy on superficial connections, which has been exacerbated by the internet and social networking. If you learn to manage your social connections, then you won't be emotionally depleted. Reserve your personal email address and phone number for close friends and family only, and designate a time and place for other, more superficial connections (Facebook, Instagram, whatever) so you don't feel it's taking valuable time out of your day. As long as you learn how to compartmentalize, then you should manage just fine. If you feel like you have given up on making more meaningful connections because you assume everyone else is a misanthrope, then you're just doing more harm to yourself.

I also like to be myself to work on hobbies, enjoy nature, read, etc, but I always make sure to designate enough time to be with other people.

by Anonymousreply 85November 12, 2019 7:20 PM

OP - everything you say is precisely why I loathe Facebook. People who aren't really friends, sharing every mundane, boring detail of their uninteresting lives. I'm not saying my life is any more interesting than theirs, but for God's sake, why do they think we care? I quit Facebook when people started posting photos meals they had at a restaurant. I was afraid I was going to have to track those "friends" down and hurt each and everyone of them for such offensive drivel.

by Anonymousreply 86November 12, 2019 7:39 PM

[quote]Maybe that's the problem. People want to spill their guts to the nice guy. People want to ask favors of the nice guy. The nice guy probably keeps his problems to himself and solves his own problems, mostly.

Exactly. Being everyone's doormat is exhausting and eventually you just run out of steam. Especially if you're someone who is good at solving your own problems and getting on with life.. It's hard not to let resentment build against needy people who are not as strong or competent or emotionally together and are always leaning on you.

Several posters on this thread, like wise old owl R75, say they had compassion and empathy when young, but slowly found it draining away to become grumpy old men in late middle age. I can so relate. I absolutely do think we have a well of caring that can run dry after years of taking care of others only to learn the hard lesson that no one really GAF about us in return. It makes you bitter and you build a wall around yourself. It so evident to me from the replies here of people saying they like to cocoon at home and have no interaction with anyone.

by Anonymousreply 87November 12, 2019 7:40 PM

I met this man once, nicest person I've ever met. He was just someone I would want to talk to again. He was like an angel.

I can't say there are many people would like to see or talk to again, but I would like to talk to him again. I guess because he really seemed to be the real deal and care about people. I'm ashamed I don't feel that way too, but people are too scary to stick your neck out for.

That level of real kindness though was as intoxicating as any drug.

by Anonymousreply 88November 12, 2019 8:18 PM

R88 - omg that sounds like something Holden Caufield would say from “The Catcher in the Rye.”

by Anonymousreply 89November 12, 2019 8:28 PM

This problem has already been discussed and settled.

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by Anonymousreply 90November 12, 2019 9:13 PM

I went through a phase where I didn’t give a shot about anyone or anything, but I’m finding myself starting to care a bit more, for no other reason than life is garbage these days, it doesn’t hurt me not to be an ass or cold (not saying you are, op, just how you’re feeling inside). I also make sure to get away from people when I feel I have no more energy for anyone. Not to sound all new agey and annoying, but you’re allowed to feel the way you’re feeling as long as you’re not causing damage to yourself and others.

by Anonymousreply 91November 12, 2019 10:29 PM

Give a SHIT.*

Goddamn it.

by Anonymousreply 92November 12, 2019 10:29 PM

OP you have a run-of-the-mill anti-social personality with a kind of attachment disorder thrown in there? But as others have said I don't think you're all that different from many others in most large urban enclaves these days. Perhaps some therapy would help?

May I ask your socio-economic status, education level, and your ethnic background? The latter may have relevance as different cultural groups approach social contact differently. They also approach family life differently; I'm close friends with many of East Asian descent, they all have close family ties, many multi-generational members live together or visit their homes for long time periods. The individual members I know seem less stressed, more empathetic and more open to social contact as a result (imo).

by Anonymousreply 93November 12, 2019 10:48 PM

R85, you are exactly right. Link to one of the most life-changing reads I’ve ever enjoyed below.

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by Anonymousreply 94November 13, 2019 3:00 AM

Awesome link R94

by Anonymousreply 95November 14, 2019 10:20 AM

I'm not sure this will help, OP, as saying some of us feel like you do maybe somehow justifying and enabling your behavior, BUT...I have felt exactly the same for about 3 years - but I'm not from NY and I've lived all over the US and Europe.

But honestly? The world can be such an icky place, humans are really shit, I want a do-over on the planet minus the humans, and I only give some semblance of a shit about animals. And no, I don't have pets. But when I'm feeling A like the world is too much, but about 8 pm every night, I watch animal videos to calm my misanthropic rages.

Do you like animals? Is it only humans you hate? Have you considered relocating? Traveling more often? Staying in one city too long, from my experience, compounds these feelings ("Same shit, different day") and I'd feel homicidal! If your lifestyle allows it, travel around and immerse yourself in other cultures and countries, and you can do all this by totally ignoring all the humans. Trust me on this.

Just never stay in the same city for too long - which is a subjective time period, obviously. But yes, I feel as you do. Unless you'd walk past a shitty human hurting a helpless animal and not giving a shit...then that's where our similarities diverge.

tl;dr LEAVE NY! Travel! Consider getting a pet dog to travel with. And not to presume, but you may be struggling with chronic generalized depression. Change scenery, do things differently, learn about yourself in environments outside NY for God's sake, and if you don't start to feel lighter and more excited about your new adventures, then consider CBT. Definitely not years of analysis, which is just a bottomless pit of bullshit (though popular in NY, I know)

Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 96November 14, 2019 11:03 AM

You are either schizoaffective, autistic or a socio.

by Anonymousreply 97November 14, 2019 11:23 AM

I think this is a side effect of not coming to terms with your sexual orientation. Gay men get so used to acting all the time that at a certain point, you’re just empty. You realize life one big popularity contest, and it turns you into a huge cynic.

by Anonymousreply 98November 14, 2019 11:42 AM

Sociopaths do NOT wonder if they are sociopaths... Usually, victims/children of sociopaths/narcissists are the one who wonder if they are sociopaths... They are usually borderlines, or codependents with strong borderline/narcissistic traits.

Shen you write "I just don't feel anything anymore", the word "anymore" says it all. A sociopath would say "I just don't EVER feel anything"... hence the constant search for "stimulation" by all means necessary... like narcissists need attention/adulation.

This is not your case.

Anti-Social Personality Disorder (formely known as "Sociopathy") is the new name of "psychopathy" in the DSM-5.

Search for "cluster B personality disorders"... I think that you are not a cluster B.

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by Anonymousreply 99November 15, 2019 2:24 AM

R98 - states perfectly. I “acted” so much (in my past), that I would be physically and emotionally exhausted and I’d just spend time alone when I got home.

by Anonymousreply 100November 15, 2019 4:45 PM

OP, here’s my remedy: a good cocktail and a Xanax. You’ll feel better in no time.

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by Anonymousreply 101November 15, 2019 6:07 PM

We are born open hearted and life tends to close this down. The trick is to open your heart back up -- but on your own terms. You'll find it actually feels good and you'll do it more and more.

by Anonymousreply 102November 17, 2019 2:22 AM

When I was a child, I was VERY empathetic! I felt deeply for others misfortunes, tragedies, bad treatment and was the type to always help. I grew TOTALLY out of it in my 20's! Became self emerged and uninvolved with others dilemmas. A friend asked me to help him move and I hired a day laborer to help in my place cause I didn't wanna be bothered. I only cared about what I was getting out of something and its benefit to me. THEN it all changed ( again) 3 yrs ago when I got cancer. I beat it, I'm clear and I do maintenance Immune Therapy once a month to sustain it. But that diagnosis reset my emotional and mental compass back to a healthy compassion for other people and a thankfulness for the things I have in life. Including family, friends, career and the ability to realize that making a difference and an imprint on something bigger than yourself and your needy agenda, fucking matters!

by Anonymousreply 103November 17, 2019 6:27 AM
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