Let's be the discussion among the senior royals at Balmoral this weekend regarding what to do about Meghan and Harry

I'm the poker face of HRH the Duchess of Cambridge listening to everyone older than she is and keeping silent as she internally snickers.

Princess Anne will definitely speak of the couple with disdain and disgust at their self indulgence.

I’m Prince Phillip, and I keep referring to “the Negress”, and think that is the polite term.

I'm the phrase "like Diana all over again." I will be used quite frequently.

I’m Carole Middleton, waiting patiently for Kate to bring back the gossip.

I'm Fergie complaining about being excluded from "dinners and teas".

I’m the googling of terms such as “narcissistic supply” and “flying monkeys”

I'm the Queen telling everyone that a good open-carriage ride down the Mall in full regalia will turn everything around!

I'm the flag waving moron sat outside Buckingham Palace on a fold up camping seat .

I'm the wedding photo of Harry and Meghan in Buck House that was moved from a prominent place in a reception room next to one of Will and Kate to a dark linen closet.

I'm the opened but barely touched bottle of Famous Grouse. Princess Margaret's last sip of alcohol was directly from the lip of this bottle. The family haul it out on holidays and for heavy confabs such as this one. The Queen swears she can sometimes hear Margaret saying, "Such a bore," her standard ejaculation when something wasn't about her

I'm the lukewarm tea and the crumpets.

I'm the savage sneer that plays across Philip's features every time the terms "fragile" and "overwhelmed" are filtered through his hearing aid.

I'm the bottle of Cherry all those Royal Ladies are monitoring, specially Camilla.

I'm Prince Charles's weird reddened sausage like fingers, nervously playing with the scone on his plate because he knows his father is thinking if Harry had been sent to Gordonstoun none of this would have happened.

I’m the perky behind of one the housekeepers. I was just pinched by Prince Andrew.

I'm Lupo passing water behind the red velvet curtain and hoping someone will feed me some Victoria sponge cake.

I'm Camilla passing water behind the other red velvet curtain and hoping someone will feed me some whiskey sours.

I'm the terrified look Beatrice and Eugenie give one another in the adjoining anteroom when they hear through the closed door their Aunt Anne's voice above the hum of discussion saying, "Just give them less money!! Make them work to earn it!!"

I wonder what Princess Alexandra thinks about all of this?!

I’m Frogmore Cottage. My future is being discussed quietly on the side, since I’ve been gutted and expensively renovated and remain empty 90% of the time. I wonder if Bea and her second husband will be happy to inhabit me in a few years.

"But is Meghan okay? I've heard she's not okay." Everyone laughs.

Mummy? You know I take a Pimm’s.

I'm the quick and furtive glances thrown at a completely silent Andrew when the queen and Prince Philip say phrases like "a public relations disaster" and "the worst embarrassment we've had in years."

I'm the Queen's pointy shoe kicking Prince Phillip in the shins again after he declares for the 2nd time, "Bloody Hell, let's just tunnel the bitch like we did Diana!"

The Queen and Prince Phillip are fucking old. Do they really have much to say about anything these days?

I'm the Meghan back at Frogmore, coming to the realization that she is a starter-wife.

The Queen seems to still be sharp. Her Mum seemed to have kept her wits about her. Did you know the Queen Mum had a colostomy bag, poor dear?

Philip, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was brain dead.

I'm the collective side eyes 👀 everyone throws at Andrew when he says "Really, Mummy, something must be done. They're hurting the prestige of the firm!"

I'm also the last few Corgis, solemn faced thinking "we knew she was no good right from the start! "

I'm the mechanic, cutting the brake lines on Meghan's car.

I'm the receptionist at the Cape Town Holiday Inn taking her first call from Buckingham Palace and saying, "Yes, Your Majesty, we do have reduced rates for long-term stays! No, a roll-away cot for Archie would not be a surcharge."

I'm Doria Ragland, constantly hearing the Royals whispering "why doesn't the new maid leave us alone?"

I'm Samantha Markle saying, "Now do you believe me?"

I'm the rooms void of any royals. (They are back in London and have been for almost two weeks.) Staff are now busy cleaning up after Prince Philip's many "accidents" since he refuses to wear Depends. (The poor dear...)

I'm the dainty, golden pair of royal scissors snipping Meghan's face out of all the family photographs.

I'm the tiara with the huge emeralds, which even still won't be given out to just anyone.

I'm Kate wondering when exactly to bring up comparisons to "the last American to marry into the royal family," which will really send blood pressures soaring.

I'm Princess Charlotte of Cambridge, normally someone of my tender age would not be included in these family meetings however as I have first hand knowledge of the ill-mannered behavior of the Duchess of Dumb(arton), it is only fitting that I be present. I should probably keep a British stiff upper lip but I've heard that keeping these things inside is internally damaging and I must thrive. I never thought having a new aunt would be easy but I didn't think she would make my mother cry...that's not fair. I vote ship Uncle Henry Charles Albert David aka "H" and his wife Aunt BossyPants across the pond.

Camilla and Kate whispering together and trying to contain their laughter and keep straight faces just like at the wedding.

A bit top heavy, R38, but I hope you felt better for showing off.

I am Lord Geidt, watching, waiting, and plotting my check ... and mate.

I'm Andrew, eyeing up the 16 year old work experience girl and wondering why everyone is more bothered about Meghan and Harry suing the press than they are about him being a PEDOPHILE.

I'm the Welp Troll, here to tell the queen that EVEN QUAKER OATS HAVE SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERS AND YES THIS MEANS THEY POST1000S OF TIMES ON DATALOUNGE.

I am Lord Geidt, watching, waiting, and enjoying the fact that I am now RETIRED and sitting in a villa in Cyprus.

Keep up, hoes. He retired last month.

Oh now, R44, old spies never really retire.

How does Lord Geidt retire at age 58?

^I mean 56?

I'm Julian Fellowes and I've been asked to join in to write a few zingers for HM to use when dealing with the Duke and Duchess of WoeIsUs. I'm good at writing such things just ask Maggie Smith fans.

I'm Charles asking "are they in love...whatever that is."

I'm Fergie, bent over in the next room, holding a glass pressed to my ear and the door.

I'm the look of utter disbelief on Her Majesty's as the discussion turns to the 'pressures' of the Harkle's lives.

I'm William and I allowed the Footman to take my coat but I kept my scarf. I'll need it to fidget with while Grandmother lectures about keeping up the front and The Firm and such.

lol at this entire thread.

I'm the divorce settlement. I've existed since the engagement. I am dormant now, but I sense my cue is coming.

I’m the gentle drizzle against the windowpanes. The Firm can’t do anything about ME.

I'm Princess Charlotte, humming to myself while doing my homework upstairs. I'm secure in the knowledge that whatever is said or done, the succession is never getting anywhere near the Sussexes. If it gets past George, it certainly won't be getting past me.

I'm Harry yelling at the spaztastic queen: 'If you don't let us do xyz, we are leaving the firm, and will live off the biggest advance ever granted in publishing history for our tell all book.'

I'm QE II. I've had a front row seat to historic, world and family shaking events.

These two gnats. I can't be bothered. Not at my age and even if I were younger. Their insignificance can be dealt with by Charles.

I'll just instruct him that their placement at my funeral shall be next to Fergie.

[quote]I'm Fergie, bent over in the next room, holding a glass pressed to my ear and the door.

I'm Fergie, bent over the sofa in the next room, holding a bottle pressed to my chest while guzzling the other.

TFIFY, r50.

I'm the spirit of the Duchess of Windsor, looking out through Megs's eyes at the revenge I'm wreaking on that fucking family. They thought they'd get away with withholding MY HRH!! Ha!!

I'm Thomas Markle Sr. joining the meeting via Skype: "Give her an inch she'll take a mile...nothing will ever be enough for her I promise you...do not stand in her light...I sure did pay for her college, pissed away good portion of my lottery winnings on her, oh pardon me Ma'am I shouldn't use that language...like I said Doria was "finding herself" during that long stretch of time....Sunshine Sachs offered me very low six figures and lifetime supply of McDonald's giftcards for an Archie photo op in November at some hotel near Oprah's house, can you beat that, what kind of numbers are we talkin..."

I'm Doria Ragland, breathing a huge sight of relief *WHEW* that accusations of racism work to prevent the media from digging into my background. If they only knew . . .

^^^ sigh ^^^

I’m the senior equerry from Buckingham Palace, outlining a series of ‘options’ as to what shall be done with Harry and Meghan. Everything from another extended leave of absence to withdrawal from the line of succession is presented.

I am also reminding the family how all this media on attention Harry and Meghan is distracting from the scandalous and possibly criminal actions of Prince Andrew.

I'm racist R61. All black women have criminal pasts, don't they, racist R61. Go and put your hood on.

[QUOTE] Everything from another extended leave of absence to withdrawal from the line of succession is presented.

Why would withdrawal from the line of succession ever be necessary? The chances of him being king are microscopic. Getting him to withdraw would cause a huge scandal and make the BRF look vicious. Pedrew is still in the line of succession for God's sake.

They will do nothing. Let Harry sue the press, who cares? How will it affect TQ?

I'm Andrew busting a happy dance in the horse stables that the stupid American has taken the focus off me. Note to self: Remind mum that Bea wedding must be include carriage ride and full military salute.

"...in love. Whatever 'in love' means..." [R49] It gets misquoted all the time.

I'm RACIST R64, who truly believes that only WHITE people should be subject to media scrutiny.

I’m Prince Edward, offering helpful advice as to how the Sussex might chart their own course, and asking why he hasn’t gotten his promised dukedom as yet.

r60 here, just to clarify...Doria "finding herself" refers to her time with that culty church. I think the only reason Pa Markle hasn't thrown her under the bus about it is that he too was initially involved with the "church"...it's where they were married.

I'm George, wondering if this outfit makes me look fat?

R63 here - Our reasons for including Harry’s removal from the line of succession as a potential course of action was not because we thought it would be taken. It’s not even because we think it’s a good idea.

It’s simply to introduce an option so far out there that the next most severe choice looks less extreme in comparison.

It’s similar to how restaurants will include one bottle on the wine list that’s really expensive. If you have a bottle of wine listed that’s $700, suddenly that $400 bottle of wine doesn’t look like so much.

lol, r72

I'm Meghan, finally jumping out my funky bag waiving my trump card, telling them all "Harry has told me EVERYTHING about you people, and NOW you're going to dance to MY tune!"

In response -

I'm also Phil, index finger shaking badly, yet still successfully dialing the private number for a Mr. Carmine Catalano: "Carmine? It's Phil. I know - it's been YEARS! I've got a job for you....."

I'm reality.

Whatever.

I'm the Sunshine Sachs former Administrative Assistant who has been enticed to the other side and escorted in grand style to the meeting to spill the beans about Bean. I feel no remorse, they were paying me a pittance and I had to put up with all kinds of crap including emails at 5:00 a.m. demanding this and that. Oh, get this, SS forget to have me sign an NDA, LOL, this is gonna be fun.

I'm the tissue box hidden in the top drawer of Andrew's night table ready for some action tonight in celebration of MM's public humiliation.

I'm Harry, presenting the assembled hoes with his astronomical advance cheque from Penguin. If the Queen and Charles don't meet his terms, he and Meg will write the book which will bring down the brf.

Welp! I'm the Welp Troll.

Oof, even Quaker Oats has social media managers. All MM positive posts here are written by Russian bots, working from a script.

I am the large group of disgruntled former employees of the Sussexes; nannies, cooks, secretaries, PAs, maids. We are waiting in an ante-room and have been told we are going to have an audience with HMTQ and meet the entire BRF! There is a large tray of drinks and snacks on the sideboard and we were told to help ourselves. Some of us are already quite tipsy.

I'm the neighbors living near Frogmore Cottage, terrified Harry's and Meghan's dogs might get loose and run up to us since we cannot acknowledge they even exist.

I'm the ghost of George III thinking, didn't I outlaw royal marriages with actresses? What the hell is happening here?

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

I'm the Footman working the room with expressionless face absorbing all the juicy information and calculating in my mind what the DM will pay for such info.

I'm Mrs. Hughes, just popping by to say the times are certainly changing at Balmoral Castle.

It's all I can say, really.

I'm the last of the Queen's corgi's, slowly going around the room and lifting my leg on everyone of these stupid fools, careful to avoid Anne, whose bark is not worse that her bite.

When oh when is the next series of The Windsors starting? With so much material to work with, it will be gold.

I'm Prince Louis. I am jovial, energetic and everyone enjoys me. I shall live a comfortable and carefree life without the burden of being the heir and also without the resentment of being the spare.

^^^^adding: I Prince Louis will toddle into the meeting at some point and get everyone to smile and break the tension.

I'm Meghan's half sister trying to pole vault over the gate.

I'm the motorized wheelchair, further complicating the failed attempt.

Where's the current Meghan thread?

Off with her head! Just like in the good all days

R93

Mind your words, please.

bump

I'm Elton John at the piano in the corner of the room, reworking yet another version of Candle in The Wind, vowing not to donate the proceeds to another royal charity this time.

I'm Andrew and I am just stunned that H and M volunteered to take the heat off of me by revealing what a pair of little snots they are. Ahhhhhh family, they always have your back.

I'm Princess Charlotte bonding with great aunt Anne on how to be the next Princess Royal

I'm the Welp Troll and the Spaz Troll, engaged in never ending battle, ensuring that one brf thread after the other gets paywalled.

Meghan's gleaming profile compared to Kate's plump one.

Riiight, R100.....that photo was taken when MM was still slim, before she had a baby, and when Kate was 7 months pregnant.

R100 MM’s expression in that photograph is batshit insane; not sure why someone thought that picture was flattering.

That photo was from when Meg was still not that far removed from her Suits days. The farther she gets from that Suits stylist, the more of a slovenly mess she becomes. She should be throwing some of that Sussex Foundation cash at that stylist and beg that woman to move to the UK.

I'm William sighing as I polish my bald head. It's not easy being the oldest looking 36 year old in England. Even my dad has more hair than I do. So unfair. I'm permanently pissed off about it, and don't mention Edo and his glossy mane to me EVER.

William at least is a fairly good-looking man. Poor old ginger Harry is going to look like Bozo the clown when his remaining tufts finally give up the ghost to male pattern baldness.

I'm Kate staring discontentedly into my mirror. So MANY lines and wrinkles! That bitch Meghan looks ten years younger than me. I would love to get a spot of baby Botox, but as the fucking queen to be, it's forbidden. I guess at least I'll always look younger than Wills.

I'm Sophie Wessex, a bloody Countess, yet I do more work for this fucking family than my two nieces by marriage combined who are Duchesses. It is slightly amusing though to observe all this drama. It sort of makes my indiscreet remarks to the fake Sheikh almost twenty years ago seem like small crumpets indeed.

I'm the paranoid schizophrenic they call the Datalounge Welp Troll. I just got the SWC Part Deux thread paywalled because I yet again accused the posters who don't bitch about Meghan and Harry of being paid PR workers. Maybe one day I'll learn to spell 'spaz' correctly.

I am Queen Mary who helped save the monarchy several times. I may be dead, but as a stickler for tradition, my ghost continues to make the trek to Balmoral every autumn just as I did when I was alive.

A little known fact about me, but when I used to refer to an unsuitable woman as an "adventuress", that was really my code-word for "cunt".

Agree, R103.

Does she have some sort of dysphoria or is it an attempt to be casual and relatable? Does she not possess a mirror or comb?

So much hate. Don't we already have enough?

[quote] So much hate. Don't we already have enough?

Honey, do you know where you are?

I’m the Buckingham Palace travel agency, booking a trip to Paris for Me! and Hazzy on specific orders from The Queen. Details are sketchy so far, but she does want them to travel by car as much as possible.

I'm Princess Michael of KENT , casually toying with my BLACKAMOOR BROACH . With a Snicker and slight grin .

I'm Meghan, negotiating my seven figure advance with Random House Publishing for my tell all book about the queen, William et al. No need for a ghost writer so all the cash is MINE. Harry and I will be sunning ourselves in Malibu when this bombshell hits the shelves.

R104, I'm an American woman, yes, but I'm wondering if twice daily Biotin vitamins quickly made my formerly thin, short hair turn into very long, thick locks it would do the same for the prince. I'd also advise him to use Aveda thickening conditioner, expensive but only a tiny amount works fab.

Guess the Royals also eschew hair transplants?

I'm Princess Racist of Kent. I call Meghan a n*gger behind her back. Tee hee! Delicious! Such fun!

R106, I'm an American wondering why QE II forbids using a little botox.

I'm R114, adjusting my white HOOD in the mirror before I head off to a meeting of the KKK.

R110, I'll bet MM is an alcoholic/legal or illegal drug dependent. Even mental stress causes a woman to be less focused on her physical appearance.

Of course even many smart woman are just not very visual nor observant so cannot see the small details that are apparent in photographs.

I'm Kate, crying as I look at recent photos of myself in the DM. I look ancient.

Shame many of the MM detractors are too thick to post in character. The Welp Troll for certain is incapable of this.

Perhaps, R120, there have been rumors.

I thought narcs were very focused on such things?

When they were filming the documentary she looked relatively groomed.

I'm the group of senior courtiers who are listening in on everything said and done. We've got every room and phone tapped so that even when one of the Royals takes a dump, we hear the splash it makes. WE are the ones running this shit show, and when the time comes, we'll do what has to be done. Ask Fergie.

I’m the most recent tabloids spread out on the table. I’m the lesson materials.

I’m Her Majesty, deciding I’m too old for this shit and that this mess is for Charles to clean up.

I am the entire BRF breathing an enormous sigh of relief that the Sussexes will not be joining us for Christmas. Thank you, Father Christmas!

I'm everyone in the room thinking, "Thank God he didn't marry Mo'Nique!!!"

I'm the silence that falls over the room after Meghan bursts into the room, screaming, "Well, what about Andrew and his interview?"

I'm the Queen thinking "The Monarchy has survived a thousand years, and it's boiled down to this room full of idiots. God help me for the way I raised them."

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

That is quite an eyeful of MeAgain in the snap from the doc, at R130. A safety pin would have been well advised, but not so SEX-AY victim. Our Rach has alwasy wanted to be Marilyn.

R131 is the insane Welp Troll, a PR rep for Kate Middleton. She has a target of 30 posts a day.