Let's be Oprah in a bad mood

Nope, Mac & Cheese, potato chips and mashed potatoes are her go to’s.

Firing anyone with good hair who gets in my way.

Kicking Stedman and Gayle in their cuntbones.

I'm sending Stedman to his bedroom without dinner and confiscating his iPhone because he looked at me the wrong way. I'm also Gayle who is the only person who is exempt from Oprah's wrath, I offer to sit on O's face to console her

Calling Phil McGraw to curse him out and tell him he's a quack.

she and I share a home town.........Kosciusko, MS of all places.......

Remember the time a woman told Oprah, "No?"

I'm the white microphone Barbra painted that's been thrown through the wall

Kosciusko claims her but it's really Possum Neck, isn't it, R6?

R8 I’m the lead-based paint that Oprah requested be used.

I'm the smashed framed photo of John Travolllllllllllttttaaaaaaa that she threw at Stedman

r9, her book says Kosciusko..........but really possum neck and Kosciusko are about the same thing.........

I'm stair and Oprah is not doing stairs today.

R7, I loved that one! I also loved this "thinning camera" one. MadTV was perfect in how they depicted an angry Oprah.

'You don't get a car, and you don't get a car, no one's getting a fuckin car today!'

I am the grapevines in Montecito shaking as Oprah stomps by.

R1, I had no idea those were O's 'go tos' under stress, their mine to! LOL!! I've always loved Oprah though I never really watched her show to much when it was on because I was 'living my best life', now that I spend the majority of my time housebound or on the toilet, I have all the time in the world to watch Oprah and read all those books in her bookclub!

I am the three members of Oprah's security team who are sent out to remove the homeless women who have set up their cardboard boxes outside the security gates that protect O's mansion, "Ladies, I apologize but Ms. Winfrey said, and I quote: 'Get those damned poor-ass b*tches out of here!!!'. "

"Oh, you work with poor children and would like money to buy books for them? Here is the list of f*cks I give!!"

SLAMS the phone down.

I'm Gayle. What's that big bruise around my eye? I ... walked into a door. Yes, that's it.

A "live your shittiest life" article featured in O! Magazine that is cleverly disguised as one of her "live your best life" articles.

That's right Gayle/R20, you would-be-nothin'-without-me-bitch, you walked into that door, honey.

"I hate white people, especially the female kind. There, I finally said it bitches."

I’m the vernacular she slips back into when emotions take over.

Today I will be slinging grease fires, made of DEEEP FRIED BUTTER, at the audience.

The thing that puts Oprah in the worst mood is not being recognized as a great actress. I think she would’ve stopped doing her talk show way back if she had been offered more acting roles.

She was pissed and resentful that Beloved wasn’t very well received. And she mentions she was in The Color Purple every chance she gets.

Having said that, I do think Oprah is a good actress. She was EXCELLENT as Sophia in The Color Purple. Nominated, but no Oscar.

The Academy, however, did give her a car.

R26, was Beloved really that bad? I thought it was well-received by critics but just flopped at the Box Office?

I remember seeing Oprah in some frau-bait TV movie in the late '90s (back when TV movies were still a big deal) and thought she acted pretty well, considering the role.

I get cranky when I don’t have those Gayle force winds cooling me all over.

'Carbs! I need fuckin carbs! Gayle, carbs, NOW!'

R27 Beloved was just that bad.

As a white queen instead of a black one.

R26 of course she's a great actress. She's been acting straight, for 30+ years...

I'm the housekeeper, just waiting to come in and sweep up the wrappers and crumbs from her binge eating and crying on the phone to Gayle ready to pretend to Miss Oprah that no she did NOT just destroy a six month supply of girl scout cookies.

"Maya Angelou, Shuh-Maya Angelou!"

I hate my cauliflower crust frozen pizzas.

I'm Oprah crying into a Lean Cuisine.

"Barack Obama? It's me, Oprah. Listen, you still got access to 'the button'?"

Sticking pins in my Anjelica Huston doll.

Did you bitches really think HARPO was going to beat me? My company has so much bread, I pad my body with it. Stop calling me fat.

I'm the dog turds in gift bags that will be handed out to the audience members.

I was certain my audience would be surprised and utterly delighted when I surprised them all with a free one year subscription to Nutrisystem...what went wrong?

I'm making long distance phone call to my dearst, truest and my finiest friend Tina (Mrs. Tina Turner to all of you bitches) and scream and moan with complete disregard for the continenal time difference.

I just order bunch of these $60 cherry pies I usually keep on my Christmas List. ... eat them all in one sitting and vomit all that bad mood shit out of my system.

"Have to go to the opening of some damned battered women's shelter...I have get up early and inconvenience myself because these bitches are too dumb to find a decent man...GAYLE! THE HELL ARE MY SHOES?!"

'It's 'MISS WINFREY' Steadman! That's the 3rd time you've breached your contract this month.'

*Steadman locks himself in the guest house and lives in fear*

Gayle, bring me the axe!!!

I’m the handyman, spackling for dear life. Wondering how she didn’t become a major league pitcher. Deadly accuracy with those Manolos. Was she actually aiming for the spots that haven’t been painted over yet?

I think I’ll order Mother Nature to take a big leak on Kentucky and Oklahoma.

Spackle all you want R48, spackle like the wind if it makes you happy. You will not escape my wrath. No. You won't.

Jesus, there's actually a place called Possum Neck?

WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME R51? What...did...you...JUST...call...me?

Oprah has a turkey neck.

I'm Tom Cruise's blood draining from his face when an outraged Oprah let's Tom have it for booking Rosie as his talk show beard! Tom will pay a price to be rehabilitated.

I am the three pairs of Spanx that are strangling the breath out of poor O.