I caught my husband cheating on me for the third time in 16 years

3 times is not bad for a relationship. Any type of relationship, gay straight or otherwise. Open up the terms and have a fuckfest. If he is having fun why shouldn't you?

Open that shit up officially. All men fuck around anyway -- allowed to or not. Save yourself the grief and him the guilt.

I wouldn’t stay with him after one.

You caught him 3 times.

Think about that for a while.

It’s not about the sex; it’s about the honesty. He lacks it (unless there are missing details).

[quote]3 times is not bad for a relationship.

That's the number of times he was caught.

I think your husband already started a thread here, OP.

Indeed. That is my worry. The real number is probably x 10 or more. Look, I am a guy and I really understand the need for sex and can separate the act from love. I have never been a prude. I am a realist. Just thought it would be different with a freaking ring on his finger. In the meantime I kicked him out of the house for a few days so that I can have some time for myself and to talk to you wonderful people

"All men fuck around anyway -- allowed to or not."

This will probably come as a very rude shock to the R2's of the world, but not all men are alley cats, some men prefer monogamy, and some men choose to honor the vows/promises they make in life.

The "all men fuck around anyway" card has been used for centuries for all sorts of boorish, cloddish behavior. See Donald J. Trump as example numero uno.

Your husband has been lying to you for sixteen years. I think you're better off forgetting him and moving on.

Your relationship is already open, but the bottom is always the last to know.

OP...are you a woman?

If so, who cares.

I really appreciate your feedback! This is my first post in this website after discovering it a few months ago. I am a newbie for sure but far from a bottom lol ! In response to one of the comments above, we are both male and are very happy together aside from his sneaky cheating

It's the lying that's the problem here. Opening up the relationship won't cure the lying.

Oh, it most definitely can r14. If the there is true communication in an open relationship, the lying becomes unnecessary.

Of course, true communications also presupposes constant renegotiation of the degree of openness in the relationship.

I know you are right. He lied directly to my face after I confronted him about it. I will mention this to him when I allow him back into our home in a few days. In the meantime, I will read your meaningful advice

The lying is part of the package for him, though. He doesn't want "true communication." If he did, he would have talked about opening the relationship up instead of cheating.

With respect to the pundits of DL, I suggest marital counseling with someone who specialises in gay r'ships.

OP is lying as much as the cheating whore of a husband. How can you be "very happy" in a relationship knowing he's constantly cheating on you? Are you having unprotected sex? What diseases are being brought into your bed courtesy of him?

Indeed. I will insist on counselling before allowing him back in the house. It's the first time that we have been apart in 16 years. Very liberating and scary at the same time. Surrounded by our four digs in this very quiet house

Liars don't restrict their deceit to just one thing. If he lies about this, he will lie (is lying) to you about other things. He will always put his own needs before yours.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I'm sorry, OP. If you understand the need for sex outside the marriage, fine, but what about the trust that's been broken? What about the lack of honest communication? What about all those moments he'd been out and then climbed into bed next to you, didn't he feel guilty or sad that he was lying to you? What about your needs? I think you both need counseling.

Does he at least spend time (non sexual) with you, OP?

Honesty versus Monogamy. hmm. I'd pick honesty

What r5 said. Its not the sex, it's the honesty. He no doubt lied a lot trying to cover up his sleeping around.

I am all for nonmonagamous relationships, but once you don't trust someone, what do you have?

R24 it's just that at this point, honesty in this relationship seems like something from the distant past.

He's admitted to three times or been caught three times? Because I'm guessing it's really somewhere between thirty and three hundred...

r12 nice. so if anything happens to you,sickness, cheating partner, etc. no one should care unless they are gay huh?

I led my partner into cheating and it devastated me. I was there. But it still hurts. I’ll make it work because guess what? There are no Prince Charmings, life isn’t a fantasy and we love each other. Do what feels right for you. At the end of the day, all the matters is how you feel every day.

Yeah caught is the operate word. The guy wasn't coming clean and being honest. OP only knows because he caught him.

Even if we are not open, if a boyfriend comes forward to admit they fucked some guy we can work through that fine. You were honest.

If you are lying to my face about it, we can't work through that.

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me!

It's not worth ending the relationship over, OP. As long as it was just sex and not some deep, emotional relationship, then it's not that big of a deal. No relationship is perfect, especially between two men, and there will be good times and bad times.

Whatever you do, don't open up the relationship. I've seen too many couples do that and they break-up soon after. The only open relationships I've seen work are the ones that started out that way. It's too much of a shock to be monogamous(in theory, anyway) for years, and then all of sudden you and your partner are having sex with other guys. It's going to be too weird for you.

Ugh - so much drama. I would have lied too if I knew this would be the reaction. Not a big deal - and stop being so demanding. Possessiveness is more of a relationship killer than sex.

If you dealt with it twice before (and stayed) what makes this time so different, OP? Do you think he's in love with the other guy? Planning on dumping you and your four dogs? Going to clean out the joint checking and savings accounts?

Are you the same OP of the Trucker Fucker/pathetic drunken revenge thread who now won't respond to our mockery, and decided to move on with a new (slightly more believable) EST?

Personally, I'd dump you BECAUSE you had four dogs.

"I have even thought officially opening the relationship to give him the ec he needs. "

On honey, 95% of "open relationships" consist of one slut, and one doormat who sits at home grinding their teeth, waiting for the slut to come home and throw them a shred of attention.

We get that you're a doormat, but try not to be THAT much of a doormat! Make him work a little.

Open the marriage. Why lose him?

[Quote]Ugh - so much drama. I would have lied too if I knew this would be the reaction.

What people like you don't get is that it is the lying that makes people even more pissed.

Have the balls to own up to your shit.

[quote] I led my partner into cheating and it devastated me.

What does that mean, R28?

Were you two still having sex?

Why do people keep believing the fantasy that rings change who people truly are?

Why get mad the 3rd time? I can see getting mad the first time, then giving partner a 2nd chance. Then, when it happens the 2nd time, I can see getting mad again -- but breaking up at that point. OP doesn't seem cut out for an open relationship.

Agree in part with R33.

Thank you for your feedback. It is very important to me during this vulnerable time. I definitely know it was just sex and that he is not in love with the guy. Not sure that makes me feel ant better to be honest. The thing is we've been together for more than sixteen years. We have a home, friends, family, four dogs and a cat. His family means the world to me. All of them. They are wonderful and beautiful people inside and out . Couldn't ask for a better or more loving extended family. We travel with his dad 4 to 5 times per year to far off places all over the world. And I still love my husband with all of my heart in spite of his lying and cheating. Am I wrong? Should I not forgive him for his discretion? Or should I accept this behaviour for what it is? Sex. Pure sex . Please share your valuable thoughts

Way too many factors are left out to make a decision. How old are you both ? How invested in each other financially ? Are you both equal in the looks department ? If hes a 9 and your a 4,sit back and shut up and roll with it.

We have and the answers are all over the lot. Clearly 43 responses aren't enough so here's one more:

"I still love my husband with all of my heart in spite of his lying and cheating. Am I wrong?" Yes.

"Should I not forgive him for his discretion?" Assuming you meant indiscretion (or better, transgression), No.

But we're not staying or going - you are.

Who is the breadwinner?

Currently, I am the breadwinner if you had to say but he has his own business which is just starting to take off. I also have had some amazing luck from the past which I'd rather not get into. The thing is I know that my husband loves me and all of my family very much. But the problem is that he also clearly loves the random dick which I can not or never provide. Should I just accept this and move on or should I draw a fucking line?

Life is more important than a 15 minute fuck. I will never understand drama queens who want to throw away a life of many years over random hookups. Sex is ancillary to a relationship. The hard part is living together, sharing suffering and dealing with moods and life challenges. Sex is a minor distraction.

Life is more important than a 15 minute fuck. I will never understand drama queens who want to throw away a life of many years over random hookups. Sex is ancillary to a relationship. The hard part is living together, sharing suffering and dealing with moods and life challenges. Sex is a minor distraction.

I am older. There is a 12 year difference in our age

You're totally being played. You might have caught him 3 times, which means multiply that by 10 to get a feel for the extent of his cheating. If you're good with that, then that is fine.

OP, have you been withholding your hole because he didn't do his weekend tasks on your "honey-do" list?

It doesn't pay to be a shrew and you're now learning why...

[quote]Should I just accept this and move on or should I draw a fucking line?

Only you can decide what is right for you -- is the comfort of the life you lead more important to you than your partner's honest and integrity? The former outweighs the latter for some, it doesn't for others. What will make you happy?

OP, if he’s coming home to you, then what’s the problem?

The problem is the selfish dishonesty, avoidance of conflict, and changing of terms without your consent or consideration for your feeling, not the sex.

How overwrought of you to announce that someone who treated you with such disdain is the lover of your life - how unfortunate that you are NOT the love of HIS life.

Setting aside that you only caught him three times, but the actual number must be a lot higher, how many times has he promised you that he won't do it again? Lie. How did he sneak away to hook up and what did he tell you he was doing? Lies again.

Your relationship has been over a very long time, not because he's having sex with other people, but because he has such a fundamental and profound lack of respect for you and the relationship that he's more than willing to tell you quite convincing lies to get what he wants without regard for you.

Does he know, that you know you've caught him cheating three times, OP?

OP, if you can't guarantee with some certainty that you'll be able to find another top of equal or better physical attractiveness, you'll have to either agree to turn a blind eye or officially open up the relationship.

If this is the 3rd time then he isn't going to quit. I expect he did the "I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again. I can't lose you" charade with the crocodile tears after the first time. They always do. And then he did it again and again so that shows you how much those words meant. It was all a performance. I once heard someone say "apology without changed behavior is just manipulation" and I believe it.

And if all those words were lies, what makes you think his "I love yous" aren't lies as well? Don't blindly believe people when they say "I love you." Because if they really do, they will show it. And he has shown you the exact opposite thus far.

Jus be glad his jizz is leaking out of someone else’s hole! Ammi right?!!

was he cheating on another person when the two of you met?

Do you depend him for money? Is he rich as fuck? Do you need his money or connections for your business or work?

Dump his fucking ass.

You must be fucking ugly....if you have a good income, decent looking, average body, I'm sure you can find someone better.

You have wasted 16 years on him, don't waste another second more. You deserve better. Unless you're so ugly and fat and can't find no one else.

[quote] Currently, I am the breadwinner if you had to say but he has his own business which is just starting to take off. I also have had some amazing luck from the past which I'd rather not get into.

I would break up. If I'm the breadwinner and not happy with the de facto rules, I would end it.

Lol. I am not fat or ugly. Have a very good job and money and could certainly find someone else if I wanted to. But I am not sure that's really what I want. What is the best way to confront him and to deal with this situation given our circumstances?

OP - we have a thread for you on the DL.

Hmmm,I highly suspect OP is like 60 and boyfriend is like 40 . If you have a great relationship and enjoy living with him,then turn a blind eye like women have done for 1000 years. One day he will reach the age where he'll stop with all that,and you can settle into your dotage with someone who knows you inside and out.

He loves that he can have a comfortable home and still lie and cheat all her wants. How great for him. Is this what you're worth OP? What did he say the last 2 times you caught him?

[quote]One day he will reach the age where he'll stop with all that,and you can settle into your dotage with someone who knows you inside and out.

Or, you'll arrive at your dotage in 10 years, and your boyfriend will scoot off as is consistent with his previously demonstrated selfish behaviors.

I forgot to mention that I am very well endowed. But for some people it's still not enough. Money, good looks, big dick, etc., They seek the thrill of random dick wherever they can find it. Sadly, my husband falls into this category. For sure, counselling is the best solution for us but curious to hear your thoughts based on your own experiences

I’m so very sorry.

[quote]I forgot to mention that I am very well endowed. But for some people it's still not enough. Money, good looks, big dick, etc., They seek the thrill of random dick wherever they can find it. Sadly, my husband falls into this category. For sure, counselling is the best solution for us but curious to hear your thoughts based on your own experiences

The true sign of an Excruciatingly Silly Tale is that OP comes back and keep throwing in details to refute various responses.

Listen, if he's cheating on you...and you're rich, I would watch your bank accounts like a hawk.

Make sure he isn't stealing from you, forging your signature etc...

Make sure you keep your valuables locked away and account for important works of art etc.

I suggest you divorce him, in NYC, it's impossible to leave your spouse out of the will. You will have to give him something in case you die. Better ask your lawyers.

IDK what to tell you, OP. Sixteen years is a long time to be MARRIED to the same guy. It's not like just dating or even living in the same apartment for a few years. And you guys vacation with one another's families and share five pets. That's intense.

A lot of us never get to have that and I could understand why you wouldn't throw it away unless (or until) you felt 100% ready.

I guess the bigger issue is, why is your husband risking all of that? Is it something fixable, through counseling? If not, then it comes down to if YOU can deal with him having either changed from the person you married almost two decades ago or not being the person you thought he was. And, if you can live with who he is and love who he is.

I don't have answers for you, brother. I think you need to talk with your husband, not DL. JMPO

How did you react the first 2 times?

If you threatened to leave----well, your answer is that he is willing to lose you, and the outside sex is more important than you are.

If you said it was fine, then you already entered into an open relationship.

I thought the same thing r68. OP makes good money and has a monster cock, because of course!

You can no longer stay and expect him not to have sex with other guys.

Have a long talk. Ask him what those other guys mean to him, and is he really committed to you forever?

If you're comfortable doing it, open the relationship. Let him sow oats, as long as he comes home to you.

Most importantly, be honest with yourself about what you hear him say. Don't just hear what you want to hear.

There is no point commenting. OP is lying.

Get tested for STDs, OP. If you caught him three times chances are he's been fucking around 3000 times, if not more.

Ahem, R74. As I said at R33.

Please see OP's last attempt at attention whoring.

OP, I'm a 63 year old eldergay who has survived two long-term partners. I hate living alone. I am not enjoying dating. Sex is as easy to find now as it ever was, but casual sex with casual partners has only a little emotional content, at best. This is not 'my best life.' I have lived my best life and then went on to live beyond it.

I can't advise you on what to do with your particular relationship. Only you can decide. But problems can be solved. Fears can be shared and discussed and sometimes even be set aside. Love counts for a lot. Cutting off your nose to spite your face never fixes anything. Life is hard. Relationships are, too. But don't think that leaving the relationship you are in solves your problems. It might solve one. Just that one. But it will open up a Pandora's box of new challenges.

And sleeping alone is miserable, even when you have a great dog. (Which you have to have because otherwise the loneliness is unbearable.)

Listen. If it comes to that and we separate I will gladly give him half of what we have. As I mentioned I am 12 years older. He was only 24 when we met with bright red shoes which I will never forget. Maybe his actions are a way for him to show his manhood and to combat my "authority ". Not sure what he is really thinking at this point which is really sad after so many years together. We will talk it over in a few days

[quote]I forgot to mention that I am very well endowed. But for some people it's still not enough. Money, good looks, big dick, etc.

Uh, is he a sex addict or something? Who passes up someone they enjoy that also loves them, has money AND a big dick?

Your boyfriend is clearly /retarded/.

He has probably cheated on you many times but got caught only 3 times. Once a cheater, always a cheater and nothing you can do to change that. I’d leave him I were you unless you are ok with an open relationship.

"I forgot to mention that I am very well endowed."

Have a nice afternoon (or evening for our European friends or morning for those of you in Asia) with the troll.

Way less than zero out of ten.

R78, oh honey he’s 40! Is he hitting a wall in terms of looks? Might just be his midlife crisis.

Right! So, faker OP must have been dumped 16 or so yrs ago & is just creating some hopeful fantasy of his lost luv (lol, 24 yo red shoe guy!) cheating multiple times on the rich, big cocked older man he took up with.

Making the rich, older big dicked man who won 24 yo red heeled guy seem so, so pathetic & seeing posters call his ex red heeled shoe guy all kinds of names must have made his tiny, pathetic cocklet hard!

Everyone can see why Red Heels dumped you, OP.

Not a troll . Just a sad man with real problems. Greatly appreciate all of your valuable feedback based on your own experiences. As I mentioned this is my first post on this website. Now going to listen to "Don't dream it's over" by Crowed House. This is my reality tonight

Ugh, just flat out say how you’re feeling. I am eternally single and can’t understand when I hear about all these couples who don’t even communicate and be honest with each other. No wonder why they have problems.

🤷🏽‍♂️

Just open up the relationship, This way you won't be comstantly paranoid he's cheating on you.

He's likely cheated on you more than 3 times. You've just caught hims 3 times. He's not going to stop

In OP's mind, Red Heels Ex cheats on Old Rich Guy CONSTANTLY!

If only Red Heels had stayed with OP, they could be listening to whiney 80's music together and Red Heels could pretend to be satisfied with his puny cocklet.

What a mistake Red Shoes made by dumping you, OP (said no one).

Lesson: don’t marry kids. Until someone has had the freedom of sexual exploration in their 20s, they aren’t ready to settle down. Settling down at 24 is absurd and irresponsible - unless the relationship is open. You’re stupid if you expect a 24 year old to never have sex with someone else for the rest of their life.

Lesson: don’t marry kids. Until someone has had the freedom of sexual exploration in their 20s, they aren’t ready to settle down. Settling down at 24 is absurd and irresponsible - unless the relationship is open. You’re stupid if you expect a 24 year old to never have sex with someone else for the rest of their life.

OP, stay, as long as you don't mind catching AIDS. Your husband doesn't live you.

We are surprised that OP's husband did not dump her a long time ago!

Most of the people in long-term relationships here claim that they are in marriages, but the cold hard truth is that they are truly only friendly roommates.

If his "husband" does return to the house, it looks like both will be satisfied to return to their status quo. There doesn't seem like there's one reason for either of them to change.

GAY DRAMA is what I think of it.

[quote]"I have even thought officially opening the relationship to give him the ec he needs. "

"ec" = extracurricular cock?

Extract a blood price, OP. Use his guilt as he is abusing your trust. Diamonds are forever.

If you keep catching him, he wants to end the relationship, but is too cowardly to say so.

Marriage is more of a life partnership than it is a sexual activity agreement. Lock down that man sexually if it makes you feel better - but there is a shitload more important stuff to deal with in a long term marriage.

Love is a fairy tale...Bullshit for teenaged girls. Look out for yourself! Who makes the most money? Who owns the house? Is there a mortgage? A 95 year old mother in law on life support with millions in the bank and no other heirs? Can you live comfortably on your own?

OP's version of Penthouse forum without the porn. It opens like the Penthouse letters but then morphs into the literary equivalent of Tennessee Williams drinking whiskey sours. And so enjoyable for OP as he dangles little details throughout the thread, trolling the sympathetic, doubling down on the cynical, purring at the advice givers. Reminds me of prank calling before caller ID. Harmless, lots of fun, and absolutely no impact.

R99 But pretty practiced for someone who says: "This is my first post in this website after discovering it a few months ago." Uh-huh.

So..."In the meantime I kicked him out of the house for a few days so that I can have some time for myself and to talk to you wonderful people." Uh-huh.

Then..."I will mention this to him when I allow him back into our home in a few days. In the meantime, I will read your meaningful advice." Uh-huh.

By now he's begging for it: "Please share your valuable thoughts." Uh-huh.

But, just so we know he's serious; "I also have had some amazing luck from the past which I'd rather not get into." Uh-huh.

And of course, "I forgot to mention that I am very well endowed." I bet you did.

He cheats because he likes cheating. He lies because he likes lying.

When someone shows you who he really is, believe him. Don’t believe your fantasy.

He’s already left you. He’s clocking time because it’s convenient for him. You make no demands and he has you over a barrel. So, he gets all the strange he wants and you get nothing, least of all respect: not his, and not yours.

So you have a choice and its not an easy one. You can continue with your playact of a a marriage. That’s your call. But it’s over.

Your other choice is to take over your own life. Separate your finances entirely so he has no access. File for separation or divorce. Tell him its time to go and “live his best life”.

You’ll take half of his business in the divorce. That’s the price of a wandering dick.

He’ll undoubtedly shop the story as a victim, how unexpected and shocking it is. Just smile and say “I caught him cheating for the third time. Third strike, he’s out”

Drop him from social media. Just don’t be surprised which of your friends turn out to be fucking him that you didn’t know about.

There will come a day it doesn’t hurt and you wonder why you put up with it. There are worse things than being alone. One is being married to someone who turns you into a public joke and humiliates you.

OP: Only you know in your heart what you really want to do: either endure the humiliation and sadness he has caused you through the years or else dump him and take a chance forging a new life as a single person---with the chance you will remain single the rest of your life ---or ----maybe meet someone who would only want you.

For some posters here, this is an easy choice. Whatever you choose to do, OP, good luck.

You basically have two choices here, either you go your separate ways or you both agree that you want to stay together but have to negotiate terms of a somewhat open relationship, even if it's only one sided. He will always want some strange dick no matter how well-endowed you are, and if you can handle that then there's no reason not to stay together.

[quote]The true sign of an Excruciatingly Silly Tale is that OP comes back and keep throwing in details to refute various responses.

It really is embarrassing how DL as a collective seems to have shed most of its ability to detect bullshit. There are always so many tells in an EST thread, and they just whiz on by most posters now, who keep plodding on with sincere advice. It actually gives a lot of insight as to how the country has come to the point it has - critical thinking skills are DEAD.

OP you gotta quit one way or another---quit monogamy or quit the BF altogether. (I agree with those who think it's been more than the three times you know about.)

Very simply: does it bother or offend you? Or is it just that other people end up causing you to feel ashamed? Because, if it's the latter, just forget it and let it go. If it specifically bothers you, pack your bags and leave. But don't let other people have a say in it. Not everyone feels shame in the same way. My boyfriend was never going to be satisfied with me, alone. I love him, and understood that. I just figured I was strong enough to handle it. And I have been. He's tapered off with his needs, and we still love each other. I didn't need other assholes telling me what I already knew.

"3 times is not bad for a relationship."

Oh, dear- you think it was just those three? I bet he's always cruising, and would not turn down any sexual opportunity.

OP thought she was all that when she was a sassy little bottom bitch.

Who's paying the price now, bitch?

I’m shocked how these threads bring out so many monogamy-obsessed gays. Me here do these people come from? What’s your background? Partnered? Bad breakups? Curious what drives the monogamy passion - other than just “that’s the way it’s supposed to be”.

They are prisspots, R108. Prisspots, the lot of them.

Non-sociopathic people seek love, safety, health, intimacy... a life they can trust and depend on.

Socios like thrills, excitement, hotties, danger, the chase.

Sociopaths try to control other people’s behavior. Mentally healthy people are happy in and of themselves and don’t think other people’s behavior is done purely to hurt them. That’s narcissism. Love isn’t possessive, jealous and needy. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who was that insecure.

Bit of a sweeping generalization, R110. Unless you’re arguing everybody who likes professional sports, Las Vegas, and theme parks is a sociopath.

Mr Disney will make a frowny face over that.