I'm going to a potluck in a church basement

Wine and crackers.

You haven't been assigned a course to bring? Salad? Side?

macaroni salad

Chili

It’s a soupluck not a potluck.

make a jello mold. with chunks of stuff dangling there in the jello.

Are you suggesting OP make some form of aspic?

OP, Everyone brings desert or salad, much of which isn't eaten. You need something that doesn't have to be kept and served hot. Cheapest would be a chicken or tuna pasta salad. Or a hamburger, corn, tomato, pasta combo.

My friend Danny asked me to bring his favorite to the potluck. So I'm taking a can of corn poured onto a glass-top coffee table.

Sliders

Chips and dip

Just go early, OP, and sneak into the sanctuary. Find where they keep the grape juice and communion wafers, grab a bunch, and then you can take (as R1 suggested...) "wine and crackers."

Stop on the way and pick up a pack of hot dogs. Drop them into someone else’s crockpot.

Cheap, and you won’t have had to bother cooking.

I thought putting your hot dog in someone's crockpot was a euphemism for, well, YOU KNOW.

Swing by the KFC on the way and pick up a box of chicken. They hate that. I was going to a gay service run by large lesbians and they specifically put in their bulletin not to do that. I had done it the week before for the after service potluck. Fuck those fatties.

Buy a pork shoulder/pork picnic. Season with S&P and put it in the crockpot on low overnight or until it falls off the bone. Remove most of the fat and the bones; shred the meat with two forks. Add your favorite BBQ sauce, and bring some packages of hamburger rolls or dinner rolls (like King’s Hawaiian), depending on the number of people. Easy, inexpensive, gut-filling crowd-pleaser.

Btw is this a gay church (e.g. MCC) or gay friendly like the Episcopalians? Episcopalians are pretty fancy, but they like liquor. MCC folk are more down home so the KCF should go over well there.

Cat turds and Triscuits.

Ahot pic of you fucking the pastor on a Publix sheetcake .

IT'S A TRAP!

Pinwheels - and be sure they're color coded

A big Italian salad. Doesn't require any cooking ahead of time and you can pick everything up at the store on the way. Get some big bags of the prewashed romaine lettuce, add some jarred diced pimento, some red onion sliced razor thin, some quartered artichoke hearts and parmesan or shredded mozzarella cheese. Use a bottled red wine vinaigrette dressing and toss. If you want to make it more substantive, you can add some chopped salami and black olives.

Sausage rolls or a great big Sausage Plait. Cheap and quick with ready-made pastry.

Do a trifle.

Use Pepperridge Farm mini-loafs of bread. Slice up thin-cut cooked ham with sliced American or cheddar cheese. Put a dab of mayo and mustard in each. Add sliced butter pickle if desired.

[quote]Are you suggesting OP make some form of aspic?

3 cans stewed tomatoes (14 oz.)

3 small packages raspberry Jell-O

6 drops Tabasco sauce

Boil 1.5 cups of water. Add to the Jell-O and stir until dissolved. Add the Tabasco. Stir in the entire contents of the cans. Mix well. Pour into Jell-O mold or Bundt pan. Chill until firm. Unmold onto a plate. Serve with a small bowl of sour cream on the side.

Is this a sausage plait, R23?

[quote]Get some big bags of the prewashed romaine lettuce

Bagged lettuce always gives me gas.

Blanched asparagus rolled up in roast beef slices. Mix mayonnaise with grainy mustard, spread on top of beef slice, place 2-3 asparagus stalks at one end and roll up.

[quote]Blanched asparagus rolled up in roast beef slices

Ham would be better. Also: cheese.

I don't do potlucks. There are too many psychos out there. God knows what bodily fluids and other crap they might put in the shit they bring.

Oysters Rockefeller

OP, get a bag of frozen strawberries. Drain them very well.

Mix them thoroughly into a bowl of Cool Whip. Serve.

You said you wanted cheap.

R31 you life must be complicated if a church potluck evokes DANGER STRANGER

An easy crowd-pleaser, Memphis Corn Pudding.

Do a web search for the recipe; I am not your slave.

[quote] you life must be complicated if a church potluck evokes DANGER STRANGER

It does if I’m at the potluck.

Ritz & Cheez Whiz. If you have time, put the Cheez Whiz on the Ritz. If not, just put the box and the can on the table and call it a day.

would that perverted stud deem to hydrate someone like you with his fluids?

A box of donuts is cheap

Go to Kroger's. Buy one of their delicious apple pies. Done.

Crock pot grape jelly meatballs. 1 C Grape jelly, bag frozen meatballs, garlic powder, and crushed red pepper. Combine and set on high 1.5-2 hrs. You're done.

R34, you'd be surprised how many people feel the same way about people putting shit in their potluck contribution.

Beef Wellington

Lutefisk. TIA

[quote]I don't do potlucks. There are too many psychos out there. God knows what bodily fluids and other crap they might put in the shit they bring.

10 years ago, I might not have thought twice about a potluck if I generally knew the people throwing it and attending.

Today, with all the idiots who think it's funny to do crap and film it (licking the ice cream and such), I probably wouldn't eat food whose provenance was unknown, especially it were merely a social or socially-connected potluck. At least with work-related events, people would be moderately (though, even that is questionable) concerned about getting fired.

Can't you just imagine some social media idiot thinking it's hysterical to do something to food, then film it to post somewhere later?

Kill and finely dice a Methodist.

Cook or don't cook.

Place in covered dish.

Garnish at will.

KFC

What kind of church basement are we talking about OP? If it’s a Mormon church, there will be plenty of casseroles and Jello. If it’s a Catholic church, there will be plenty of pepperoni, cheese, and cracker platters. Lutherans will have the grape Kool-Aid covered.

Some lube and a rosary

Caprese salad.

Alternate slices of fresh (Jersey 😁) tomato, slices of fresh mozzarella, fresh basil leaves over top. Artfully drizzle with olive oil and Cento balsamic glaze. Sprinkle with fresh ground salt and pepper.

I wouldn't bring anything even remotely fancy or remotely labor-intensive. In general, people just don't appreciate stuff like that. Maybe a frozen lasagne that you heat up before-hand.

R51’s Stouffer’s Party Size Lasagne *is* a proven winner, OP. They’re about $10-$12 at the warehouse stores.

[quote]What kind of church basement are we talking about OP?

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh it's a secret basement.

When two Baptists are in a room, a chicken has to die.

When four Episcopalians meet, there's always a fifth.

“I'm going to a potluck in a church basement“

Good for you! At least you’re getting to eat your meal in a different basement.

The actual joke is "When two or three Episcopalians are gathered there's always a fifth."

From the NT "When two or three are gathered in my name, there I am."

Probably got the Baptist one wrong too.

A box of Entenmanns donuts

Funeral potatoes

[quote]I don't do potlucks. There are too many psychos out there. God knows what bodily fluids and other crap they might put in the shit they bring.

r31 Absolutely. My late mother always brought her own food to picnics, and only ate her own food. She did not eat other people's food unless she knew them very well and trusted them. I learned to do the same as do my siblings and some cousins.

A big salad or mixed fruit thing from the grocery store. It’s the easiest.

Well, gee, the chefs and cooks where you eat could also adulterate your food too. I guess you never eat of your home.

It's insane to go to a potluck and only eat what you brought. Just stay home.

R61, that's possible but unlikely given that often there are many people around. I also don't eat from vending carts or food trucks. Where the fuck do they wash their hands and use the toilet?

Christ, some of you nice/nasty queens won't eat "potluck" food, but, you'll go to a public toilet, drop on all fours, & take all comers...

Very nice sentiment OP

I used to have tea room sex and was a complete pig, but would carefully wash my hands before every meal at home or anywhere. Potlucks pose no problem to me and I like them and picnics, too. I have an iron stomach.

Aside from possible sanitary issues, potluck food in general is just crap. I'm not talking about your gourmet inner circle of friends. Talking about office/work potlucks. I've never been to a church potluck, but I would imagine the food is crappy, sorry. Lots of stuff like those meatballs in grape jelly (sorry, R41), etc.

Bring some KFC. It will be the most popular food at your potluck,

R68, are you also R15 and R47?

Pour vodka into a large oblong watermelon. Oh, you create three plugs in the rind.also, salt the rim of your melon baller.

I’ve read this and I don’t expect anyone to understand it as written. Best of luck. You’ll do fine with taco bell

Taco Bell drive thru. Get a couple of 12 packs of tacos and lots of packets of hot sauce. People will say "oh how tacky!" while they MOW down the tacos. They will be gone in the first 5 minutes.

R51 I was having my first party at my house for a local event about 18 years ago so had never had to figure out what kind of food to serve for a party. I wasn't trying to be fancy but wanted a variety of stuff. I got one of those Stouffers Lasagnes and a bunch of basic things like chips and salsa, veggie tray, mixed fruit, and I forget what else. My ex BF was one of the attendees. We were on good terms. I will never forget how he and his passive-aggressive fag hag were relentlessly mocking my food choices. They especially picked on the lasagne, which I hadn't heated yet. They said "you're not serving THAT at a party, are you?". I almost told him to get the fuck out. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I think it triggered some of the same bad feelings that resulted in us breaking up....everything seemed like a criticism no matter how much I tried to make things work. Fuck that.

R72, was the food a hit?

Papa Murphy's family size Cowboy pizza. About 20 thin slices. It will be gone in minutes.

Pink Stuff:

Dump into large bowl and mix together:

Can of fruit cocktail, can of crushed pineapple, tub of Cool Whip, carton of cottage cheese, box of red jello powder (any red flavor).

Cover and refrigerate 4-6 hrs or overnight.

Make Katherine Hepburn's brownies. Very rich, for the chocaholics. Skip the nuts if you're expecting any children to be there.

A Texas Sheetcake (google recipe) is pretty simple to make from scratch ingredients, has great chocolatey flavor, and serves a crowd.

I believe OP needs to make room on their shelf for the [italic]I Hate to Cook Book[/italic]. It has a chapter specifically about potlucks.

[quote]”There are two kinds of people in this world: the ones who don't cook out of and have NEVER cooked out of THE I HATE TO COOK BOOK, and the other kind...The I HATE TO COOK people consist mainly of those who find other things more interesting and less fattening, and so they do it as seldom as possible. Today there is an Annual Culinary Olympics, with hundreds of cooks from many countries ardently competing. But we who hate to cook have had our own Olympics for years, seeing who can get out of the kitchen the fastest and stay out the longest."

R75 , pineapple has an enzyme that prevents gelatin from setting. It will be more like a cold, evil soup if you put much in there.

Sausage meat, rather than hotdogs, R27

.....or go fancy with added eggs.

R41 left out a jar of chili sauce in his recipe. You don't just use jelly for the sauce.

How about funeral potatoes, or cowboy caviar?

Big dish of creamy garlic mushrooms and garlic bread.

Everyone loves Jax Cheese Curls! Bring enough to share.

With your kind of attitude OP, why even bother going. Just stay home and keep whining at the DL.

Earrings

Caftans

Gin

Go on Reddit, and lookup "justhood lemon bars", it's become a viral sensation on there.

R79, That’s true of fresh pineapple, not canned pineapple. Besides, in this recipe, you don’t make up jello that has to set. You just dump the jello powder in and stir it up. It works just fine.

Chunks of stuff like R4 said.