Lies your parents told you . . .

That’s child abuse!

The moon was made of cheese!

He was just an ignorant deplorable. He had surely heard that alternative factoid.

I was told by my father that I would go blind if I kept on masturbating.

If you swallow gum it'll get stuck to your heart and you'll die.

There would be rides where we were going.

When we went out to restaurants, as little kids we were told to behave or else the waiter would put us on the spanking machine in the kitchen.

It may explain a certain fetish I developed as an adult! LOL

OP, did your father tell ya bout how on the set when we'd do that little dance up the Yellow Brick Road, I was supposed to be with them - and they'd shut me out! They would close in, the three of them, and I would be in back of them, dancing. So the director Victor Fleming - who was a darling man, he always up on a boom - would say, 'Hold it! You three dirty hams! Let that little girl in there! Let her in there!'

At the age of 7, my father told me he had to check if I was wiping my butt properly by sticking his finger up there. As the years went on and I matured, it became a weekly occurrence that I didn’t mind, and actually enjoyed. To this day, I can get instantly hard with anything up there.

When a flamboyantly gay person appeared in a movie or on TV and I asked "mom why is he talking that way", my mother hissed, "because he's a DEVIANT!"

I did not speak for the rest of the evening.

When my family went to see the movie "Sounder" (yeah, I'm an eldergay) my parents lied to us about what happened to the dog. My family has always been real dog people and the thought of Sounder being shot (even if he had rabies) would have been too much to handle.

If you make a face and then wind changes you will be stuck with that face

Freckles fade with age.....

[quote]My dad said color film had been invented half-way through the filming.

That is an awesome, clever and witty lie.

Did you Dad ever come it?

God exists, Jesus Chris is the son of God, non-believers will be tortured in hell for eternity.

"Did you Dad ever come it?"

WTF?

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me. Que será, será. Whatever will be, will be.

She lied. I showed my hooch in a video and got a Masters in Vapod Vocal Fry. Now I’m rich and painted pretty.

My mother told me my father made her swallow a seed and that’s how I was made. I asked if it was a Burpee early girl tomato, and she said yes.

R16 Hahahahaha!!!!!!!! Lmfao.. I hate vocal fry.

They told me that the people in the TV could see us.

My parents were experts at playing head games.

When I was around 4 or 5, my family and I were at a Chinese restaurant. At the next table over was a group of three or four young guys, who I would now recognize as flamingly gay. Even at my young age, I knew these boys were…different. I heard my mom whisper to my dad, "Look, the fairies are in town." I was delighted! I knew all about the Tooth Fairy, and here at the next table were several of them! From that point on, every time I encountered an obvious homosexual, I'd smile and sometimes even wave. Of course I sometimes still do that, but for a totally different reason.

When I was seven, I decided I wanted to be an actor, so I asked my mom how I could do it. She kept changing the subject and I finally one day said- How did the kids who are on TV get to be there? She said- They get to be on TV now because they know they're going to be on TV when they're adults.

I folded my arms and said- That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

That we had to knock the sparks out of a log before putting it in the fire.

My mother told me ponies were born coming out of the side of their mother.

My dad used to tell me if I didn’t stop whatever annoying thing I was doing, he’d put me in the dumpster.

That Janet Leigh and Jennifer Jason Leigh were sisters and Dudley Moore and Demi Moore were related.

I'm not sure if that was a lie or if they were just idiots.

When my fifth grade went on a field trip to Ellis Island my mother told me that there was no question - none of my ancestors had come through Ellis Island.

When my own children did the exact same field trip I passed that knowledge on, but gave them their great grandparents names and approximate dates of arrival in the US.

Their teacher texted me photos of my paternal grandfather and grandmother’s names recorded at Ellis Island. Apparently Ellis Island wasn’t fancy enough for my mom’s side.

When I was five or six, in the late winter, my mother was sitting stern-faced at our den bar, writing checks. I asked her what she was doing and she snapped back, “I’m paying Santa Claus. You don’t think he comes for free, do you?

My mom told me my dog (who was maladjusted or something and always nipping at, or biting, me or other people) had been sent away to the farm. When I kept asking to go to the farm to see him, mom had to tell me he had been put to sleep. I didn't get it so she had to tell me he had to be killed. lol I cried for hours. Other than that I don't remember them lying.

R27, that wasn’t a lie.

When I was about 3-4 years old, my parents told me that a hit song -- with my name as the title -- was written for, and about, me. They would play the record and dance around with me to "my" song. Good lie, happy memories! :-D

^^ Mary, as in "Had a Little Lamb"

Good one R31! I'm inclined to give you a W&W, even though you didn't capitalize (and punctuate) "MARY!"

But that's not it.

Niagara Falls was turned off at night.

R29, of course it was. She wasn’t paying Santa Claus, she was paying Sears and Roebuck.

Lesbians were born from a giant clam, like the one in this painting of Venus:

I live within driving distance of Anaheim. My young (6-7-YO?) nephew had been badgering me for weeks to take him to Disneyland and I kept putting him off. One day he was especially annoying about it, so I told him I couldn't, because it had burned down the night before.

"The whole thing?" he asked.

"The whole thing. All of it. Frontierland, Space Mountain, It's a Small World—nothing left but ashes and melted plastic."

He burst into a keening shriek worthy of the kids on Jimmy Kimmel when their parents tell them they've eaten all the Halloween candy. I was going to expand my story to include that both Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse had perished in the inferno, but the kid was screaming so loud he never would have heard me.

My sister-in-law told me I was an asshole, but my brother thought it was funny.

As penance, I did take him to Disneyland the following weekend.

God, kids can be gullible.

Point taken, R34

Sitting too close to television makes you go blind.

That I will go to hell if I choose to continue in my gay lifestyle.

r39 you have yet to prove them wrong though

After a two week stay the unruly dog my Dad brought home “went to visit his mother.”

You can’t swim for an hour after eating - you’d get cramps and drown.

My mother was “25 years old.” She still is.

Mom told me I was gay because of my Dad... Dad told me I was gay because of my Mom... I discovered that life was worth living after I cut them off my life for ever.

R20, that is adorable. I can imagine a little gayling smiling and waving every time he encounters obvious “tooth fairies.”

“That’s not blood.”

I didn't want to eat meat anymore when I realized it came from animals so my parents would say that we only kill "the evil ones who were biting and bullying the others".

There was a Santa Claus and a toothy fairy. When I found out neither were real, I told my parents to never lie to me again if they expected that of me. I was 7 or 8. I remember being quite angry about it.

In your lifetime you swallow 7 or 8 spiders. So you know when you wake up with a cough? You just swallowed a spider.

Stop with the theories as facts.

My mum told me carob was chocolate, and that my father was a good man.

My parents told me I’d grow up to be President of the United States.

That I was the best kisser in the family.

When I found out there was no Santa all I really wanted to lock down was whether that meant a reduction in the Christmas Day loot. Upon being assured it was status quo, I rolled with it,.

My dad told us one morning that our dog ran away. As I got older I realized that he didn't want to tell us that our dog died. Otherwise, our parents were honest with us. Well, they did have us believing in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy but that was the norm.

When I was 4 or 5 they didn't want to tell me my hamster had died so they replaced him with another one. But mine had short hair and there were only long haired ones at the animal shop. They decided to take one anyway, in the same color, and spent the evening giving the little critter a haircut, struggling to give him a short and even fur without taking out a limb.

Apparently the first thing I said when I saw him was "he's fatter than the other one".

R45, that’s similar to a story of a friend. She was a vegetarian from age 8 or 9. One day of junior year during lunch I was sitting beside her and smelled tuna fish and asked her what kind of sandwich she was eating. When she told me it was tuna salad I asked her how she could eat tuna fish as a vegetarian.

“Oh, tuna isn’t real fish. It’s imitation fish. That’s why it comes in a can.”

I decided just to roll with it.

i thought that story was going to have a different punchline, datalounge being what it is and all...

When I was about 10 I found my Christmas presents in my parents closet and my mother told me that Santa was busy and delivered them early. I didn't believe her. Every year I still give her a present that says, From Santa.

My parents insisted that in a blindfold comparison taste-test, NO ONE would be able to tell Miracle Whip from real Mayonnaise. Needless to say we never carried out the test. My parents thought real mayonnaise was for "rich people."

Lol!!!! R57 every time I wanted school clothes or shoes that weren’t in the Wards catalog, my parents also told me that retail mall clothing was for “rich people.”

R56, you were TEN?

You know those little neon pink or red tags/flags surveyors leave? My mother used to point them out and say “oh! Looks like the Girl Scouts passed through here!”

Into my adulthood, I believed that the Girl Scouts went around planting mini flags wherever they hiked. One day we were driving around and we saw some and I said “Look, Mom! The GirlScouts were here!” She laughed her ass off.

R57 At one time, was "The Whip" much less expensive than mayo?

I'm surprised these lies (described in the posts above) have been somewhat harmless.

My parents told me that one of my grandparents died of a heart attack. At some point, my mom told me that this grandparent died from suicide by hanging. Kids (young) found grandparent after it was too late (dead already).

As time went on, more pieces to the puzzle got put together. This grandparent was also an alcoholic, on and on (all bad stuff). It actually would have been helpful to find this out earlier because some of this stuff is genetic and would have helped us (or me at least) to understand my own life.

During the late 60s early 70s we were told to be very careful and not write on ourselves with pen or magic marker because it would cause blood poisoning, and we would die. I’m not sure if it was a lie or if that was really believed at that time.

R20 I loved your story! It was so cute and heartwarming. The innocence of a child.

OK, you know you change your memories to fit context, right?

I can’t tell you how many distant relatives I met as a kid who were absolutely smashed mid-day. “Uncle Pete’s under the weather. Go look at the dog; it has ticks. “

My da, just recently passed, was a habitual liar to where I don’t know if anything he told me growing up has the least shred of truth to it. The biggest one off the top of my head was he lied about serving in Vietnam. He would be the right age range but when I asked my grandparents about it they said he never served ever in any armed forces. They looked at me like where did I pull this out of.

Damnit....da = dad

That all dad's love their little girls this way.

Well, when my other two brothers and I were young my parents would go out on Friday nights to the dog track. I was the youngest, probably 4, and that would make my brothers about 6 & 8. We 3 boys would be left at home, where we would play dress up as girls with gown dresses made from our blankets. One particular Friday night, we decided to make 'cocktails' by putting food dye in the water. We drank it. These Fridays were there only nights where my brothers and I would still be up when my parents got home. She noticed the water and food dye, and told us it was poison, and we were going to die . She held all 3 of us close, on one of our beds. I remember one of us saying my tummy hurts, and she says it's starting. We were petrified, facing our own young deaths. My mom, the prankster. She never new her 3 boys were playing girl gown dress up. Yes, we three are gay.

My mommy told me that she’s a good woman and my daddy is the hugest most powerful and hugest loved man in the world.

That a raisin in flat champagne will revive it.

For r30, Hi Caroline!

[quote]That a raisin in flat champagne will revive it.

What a vile lie.

Mom didn’t win at the track, I take it.

Sorry, but that’s a kickass mom

Not my parents but my uncle........my parents were very religious and I was not exposed to much of the world. One summer I was invited to stay with my uncle, aunt and cousins for a week. I was a lonely child, so it was so much fun to stay the week there. However, at least 4 or 5 nights that week my uncle would get up, clear his throat and say it was time for him to go to prayer meeting. I was so relieved he didn't make the rest of us go because we were having fun. I was impressed that he went so often to prayer meeting....much more than my parents did!! I found out later that he had gone to his regular poker games (he had one on Monday, a different one on Tuesday, etc.). I still laugh about it.

mean seditious lies!

We were told to hold our breath going through the tunnel on Sepulveda under LAX, because there were poisonous fumes in it. This was during the 70s. Maybe there were? But I believed it wholly at the time.

All boys are circumcised.

Would that it were true, r78.

My mother had been married to another guy before my father, her first husband died in WWII, (yeah I am old). It wasn't so much as a lie but a secret they kept. My father didn't want his children to know that their mother had been married before for some weird reason and she never told me until after my father died. I already knew she had been married before and that he died in the war, I just never brought it up because it was clear that one or both of them didn't want it known.

My parents told me that when I got older I would fall in love with a woman, get married and have children. Thank God they were wrong because I was gay.

Is it a lie if they think it was the truth?

No, dear. That would be an error.

It's not a lie if you believe it.

Error or delusion.

That I would be famous off of my own talent and never have to degrade myself by whipping my titty out or playing State Fairs.

That it gets better.

"Your Dad and I will always love you and nothing can change that."

Two years later, I came out to them and they disowned me.

“If ever I find out that you’ve (done drugs, guys, hookers, different ethnicities).....”

This was a demand for complicity in a series of lies.

We were all warned repeatedly that if we peed in the swimming pool or the bathtub that a little red dog would appear and follow us around. I remember watching toddlers at the public pool hoping to catch a glimpse of the dog.

R28 reminds me of when Eunice found out what happened to her Fluffy.

When I was about 6 my mom asked me if I wanted to take dancing lessons and I said, no, I wanted to take acting lessons. She told me there was no such thing (lie). How about piano lessons? I said no, I really wanted to be an actor and I wanted to take acting lessons. She said, "I knew a boy who played the accordion and he was the life of the party when I was growing up." (Probably not a lie, but should have been.) So I had to take accordion lessons.

R59 I knowed whut's right and wrong since I been ten!

That I could be or do anything that I wanted.