Requesting advice

Dude. He's not a good friend anymore. He's now in your stable of people who you were once close with, still care about (as he does you, I am sure), but isn't a "go to" friend any longer. He's a friend you see at a party or over a holiday or speak to a few times a year in order to catch up.

Don't expect anything from him. But don't stand him up. Go, keep it light, and then see him when you see him.

Holy shit, R1. Do you KNOW me?

Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

I’m in my 30’s but I dealt with the same shit as you are right now with a straight male friend that I had. He was never there for me during important moments in my life (death in the family, going through a hard time, etc) other than a pathetic “Sorry to hear about that” but I was always there for him when he had nobody else. HE would ask me if I wanted to hang out and we would make plans and he would always cancel at the last minute claiming her was “too tired” suddenly.🙄 Yet he always seemed to have time for other people. Finally I just had to cut my losses and phase him out of my life - which ended up being easy because neither of us contacted the other again after I called him out while texting.

I don’t know if straight men are just flakey I’m general or if we just had thoughtless friends, but I got to the point where I decided I was getting too old for one way friendships. I won’t lie and say I don’t miss him because I do, but I couldn’t allow the behavior to go on any longer.

OPI don't think the issue is that younger gay people are "on equal footing with straight guys" here. What I do know is that many of our friends are not as thoughtful as we would like, sometimes when we need them the most. My three closest mates are "straight guys", and sad to admit do let me down quite a bit. I'm not saying they're all that way, as two back home are the sweetest and most nurturing people I've ever known. You need to know which friends to turn to for hand holding, and inspiration during the rough patches. You reach out to them first. I've tried discussing feelings and expectations with one mate in particular, with similar results as yours. I get angry, ignore him for awhile, turn to others and try to remember we cannot fulfill our needs with any one individual. There are many people who are more good time pals, and then the others who are in it for the troubles too. I hope you feel better, and do keep your lunch date.

Call him up and cry uncontrollably letting him know just how much he has hurt you. I'm talking sobbing-snot-running-out-of-your-nose-can't-catch-your-breath sobs. Film it, and then post it here so we can give you feedback...oh, and moral support, I guess.

[quote] But, I think that during much of our friendship, I have considered him a better friend than he considers me.

This could be the crux of it. Is he married? Does he have children? (Some people have lots of commitments.) Some people just have limits and don’t want to be that shoulder to cry on.

Oh and I forgot to add: cancel that lunch of you don’t want to go.

R7 Good call on the commitments. I forgot to add that. Wives, girlfriends, children, etc. all take up a lot of time. He may have other pursuits that keep him busy or are demanding.

Honestly, R1's comment makes me think he knows exactly who I am and who the other person is, so I'm a bit freaked out. R1 nailed it.

R4 Sucks, doesn't it?

R7 no, no kids. I haven't been using him as a shoulder, really. And that wasn't even my plan here. It was really just to hang out, and have fun to take my mind off of it.

I think the thing that makes it hard is that besides him, I really don't have that many friends in general. I guess I really just have to steel myself for a life without friends.

Dude—he’s just not that into you.

Oh PattiFan your last post makes me so sad for you. You just need to make some new friends, not acquiesce to be solitude. Big hug. You sound awfully tender hearted and sweet.

R10 Yes it does suck. But I’m not going to beg people to stay in my life - especially when I told them how I felt and they still didn’t bother to change their behavior.

It's not worth the effort with this guy. You need to accept that he is not invested in the relationship and try and minimise contact with him, because constant effort on your part will just upset you as he is not going to change. This kind of thing just happens a lot of the time and you can't MAKE him more invested in the friendship. Better for everyone to just move on.

The fact that he's straight is irrelevant I feel but I am young so maybe it's an age thing like you said OP. I just think some people aren't good friends. If I were you I'd do what r1 said.

Thanks, R12. The whole thing just makes me so damn sad. I have to think that if he understood how much this hurt me, he wouldn't be so dismissive. But, that kind of thinking certainly does me no good.

I mean, I know he could've taken out a couple of hours to see me last month. We have mutual friends, I know he wasn't insane busy.

Probably best for both him and me if I forget about it as best I can.

Yes, R11. That's basically it.

R1- I want to hear from you. Do you know me?

I don’t think this has anything to do with being gay or straight except in your own mind. When awful things happen in our lives, one of the few benefits we may receive is clarity. As painful as it may be, try to be grateful that you’re finally able to see this person for who he really is. You can still be friends, but don’t rearrange your entire life to support him: he would not do the same for you. When you taper off from your involvement in one-way friendships, you will find you have a greater ability to form more productive and mutually beneficial relationships. Go ahead and meet this guy for lunch, and don’t be shy about telling him you’re hurt by his indifference. It may spur him to make some changes that will improve things— or it may give you even more clarity on the nature of your friendship. If you consider him to be a friend, you owe him the opportunity to explain himself. Good luck with everything— I’m sorry you’re going through all this!

OP, you know the answer to this. You even said that you’ll take heat for just posting your story. Friendships have their shelf life too. Sadly, this one has run its course. Do whatever it takes to get closure & move on.

Have the lunch then let it go.

Has he been supportive of you in the past?

WAIT!! Is this the same OP that prepared a nice dinner for his friend with hot tub time included..but didn't include the friends boyfriend?? Then the friend didn't show up ?? And you posted here whining about how lopsided ya'lls relationship was?? The 'poor me' writing style and topic are very similar.

Go to the lunch. Don't end the friendship without actually seeing him act like a prat to your face.

It may be that he doesn't give a shit about you, that you were just someone to have fun with and you're not fun any more, or that may not be the case. He may be ill or having personal or professional issues that are taking over his life, you just won't know one way or another until you see him and see how he behaves around you.

So go to the lunch, okay? Put off any decisions until then.

I realized recently that two new straight friends were going to act the way OP's "friend" acts. A bunch of four of us were supposed to go out for dinner a couple of weeks ago. One of them had let me know he might not be able to make it because of work. He told me the night before he didn't know if he could make it. I texted him the next afternoon to get a head count, and I never got a text from him.

Another one let me know when we got together that evening for a meeting that he could not make it for dinner, either. Now I know not to organize anything with these guys. Everything is ad hoc now. And yes, they're both straight. But I'm not sure that has anything to do with it. I have a gay friend who's made a career of backing out at the last minute (though usually out of events that aren't just with me).

OP, I have no idea who you are or your friend. I just know people.

I guess OP missed the window to get himself a new support system before the old one expired.

We should come to terms with the fact that nothing lasts forever and that includes relationships. People, once close, do drift apart. Different interest, different opportunities, outgrowing things, etc. we do not stand still. We evolve. And sometimes we evolve in a different direction than the ones we thought are our closest companions.

If you can't afford 24/7 care you should always socialize and look for new friends and a new support system that can help you out when you need it (and be there when they need you, of course).

R22 no not the same person.

Why do we have to "need" people? They're always such a disappointment, other people.

R23 I will.

Thanks to everyone who responded. There were some great answers here. It helped. And mostly it helps to know you're not alone with these kinds of problems.

I'm going to bed now. I will go to lunch tomorrow. If anyone has any further insights feel free to post.

Thanks guys.

[quote]PattiFan

LaBelle or LuPone?

OP, poison your friend's lunch and WATCH HIM DIE!!!!!!!!!!! That will teach him to offend a queen, who got laid off, like you. It also takes your mind off of things. Two birds with one stone n'all.

I am sorry, OP, and I do know how it feels. Time to close the book on this one and start a new chapter. Never agree to let people treat you as less worthy than you are.

OP sounds like she's a lot of work to be around. However, it would be hilarious if the friend bailed at the last minute.

You need to fight fire with fire ! Plan something else in a few weeks, then bail on it FIRST!!, Before they have a chance to !! That will send so many messages, and make you feel so much better about your importance as a person, you'll feel like a new you! Then they will admire you for dumping them for having something more appealing to dump them for! Its a win-win as they say!

R31 LuPone. I worship the woman.

R1's post is good but speaking in generalities that resonate probably with a lot of us. I doubt he knows you.

R34 You're a massive cunt, and would be too lucky to ever have a friend as sensitive and kind as PattiFan.

[R38] = Pattifan

R34 I don't think I'm much work to be around. I'm not going to give him a chance to bail. I'm cancelling. It's too painful to deal with. Better for the both of us.

I'll just have to get over it and move on.

I imagine your friend feels the pressure to give more than he’s willing to. That’s going to cause him to retreat.

Well now he doesn't have to.

R41 if that's the case it's absurd. I was asking him to hang out for a couple hours and chat about my situation. If he's unwilling to give that, I mean, there's no friendship there to salvage.

OP, if you're going to cancel, make sure you don't do it in a petulant, spiteful way. No "sorry, friend, but I guess I just don't have time for YOU today! As a friend, you are [bold] cancelled!![/bold]" That's petty and reflects poorly on you. Just keep it short and classy. Also, don't expect (because I know you are) that cutting your ex-friend off will elicit a grand change-of-heart in your friend who, upon losing you, will realize what he's lost and how stupid and self-centered he's been, and will come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness and a second chance. That's not going to happen. Straight men are the most oblivious people on Earth, even the good ones. He might rekindle the friendship or he might not, but don't expect him to nor try to get him to feel guilty and contrite, he won't.

If you contacted me the week after July 4 trying to get together, and it was just happening now, that's pretty much on time.

You're expecting too much from a friend - even a good friend.

I agree with R45. I've noticed friendships become phone-centered. Getting together in person's become a rarity due to everybody's growing life-commitments. IMO, if you have a friend in crisis and they need/want to talk, you call if hanging's not an option, especially if things are time-sensitive.

Who TF are you people????

I swear you all just live to collect perceived slights.

PattiFan/OP -- it's not that he doesn't like you.

It's just that talking about unpleasant/stressful things freaks many people out, particularly guys, particularly straight guys over 40. (But far from exclusively.)

They worry they won't say the right thing, they won't know what to say, it will make them sad--whatever--but they will avoid any conversations or any one-on-one time because they don't know how to handle it and, more important, they can't fix it.

Most men's instinct in any situation is to try and fix things. Women just want empathy, someone to nod along and other women are good at that, but guys are always "well why don't you do this" or "why don't you try that" and then the women in their lives get mad and tell them they never listen.

So your friend (a) doesn't know how to fix your unemployment situation and (b) probably feels awkward discussing feelings and emotions and all that.

But clearly he likes you--he texted you from out of the blue to have lunch.

You're acting like he's your boyfriend and you're his girlfriend and that's going to freak him out even more.

[quote]Straight men are the most oblivious people on Earth, even the good ones. He might rekindle the friendship or he might not, but don't expect him to nor try to get him to feel guilty and contrite, he won't.

This is true...but what is funny is that these same men later on reach a point where THEY feel alone and/or neglected by everyone, yet seem to conveniently forget how they’ve treated people throughout their life.

Straight men really are not worth the trouble most of the time.

agree with r45. I made plans a few weeks ago to get together with my best friend, who lives a half hour away. We're having dinner in October. He's busy, I'm busy. His sister just went into hospice care and I know he is a wreck. We've texted back and forth this week - "thinking of you, my friend. Let me know if you need anything/want to talk" and "Thanks man, this is rough". I'll probably see him at the funeral before our scheduled dinner but what else am I expected to do? If he called and said I need you to come over, I'd drop everything.

OP, I know you're hurt, but I think you should go to the lunch. See how it goes and then make a decision about downgrading or end the friendship.

That's weird, r49, given that you only live a half an hour from each other. Does neither of you drive?

R45 see, that's an interesting perspective. I appreciate you telling me that.

Maybe it's best if I cancel in a non petulant way, and think about things. If my expectations are THAT much greater than what's called for by reality, it's likely best we no longer be friends.

My God, I'll never sort this friendship stuff out.

You've missed the point, R52/OP.

r51, yes, we both drive. We're each busy with a lot going on in our lives. Making plans six weeks out or more for most people I know is normal. My sister and I have been trying to get together to see a play all summer and can't find a date that works for both of us.

I couldn't consider someone who can't make time for me for six weeks my best friend.

'Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and one is gold'. look sister, you have to throw the baby out with bath water. This guy doesn't need to be your bestie anymore, but you don't have to excommunicate him. Just don't put so much emphasis on the relationship. Let someone else more deserving move up into his slot. But don't ghost him.

DONT have to throw the baby out ( meant to say0

r55, then it's good that we're not friends. Not that I owe you an explanation, but I am in the process of relocating my elderly parents, have house guests coming from Europe, have a vacation and work travel planned, and various social obligations. He has a dying sister, takes care of his elderly father who lives with him, is an adjunct professor on top of a full-time job, and also has social obligations. Like I said, if he said he needed me, I would drop everything. But as busy people tend to do, we pick a date on the calendar and block it off so we make time to see each other. OP should try this, make concrete plans with his friend, and see what happens. I haven't been able to just hang out with someone with little or no notice since college or my early 20s.

OP, face it. You're just his cum rag. You're there for his pleasure and then you get tossed aside until next time.

[quote] this will be painful.

OP decide which will be more painful for you, to drop him as a friend, or to keep getting hurt by him. Then do the one that will be less painful.

[quote] I was asking him to hang out for a couple hours and chat about my situation.

That's not all you were asking. Your emotions are plain as day: you were wanting confirmation that he's still a good friend who will be there for you. because you're insecure that he won't be, and that he's your only friend, and if he bails then you're basically going to be friendless.

He sensed all that. Even if he didn't sense it consciously, he still could tell there were a lot of emotions wrapped up in this lunch, and he withdrew. He's setting the boundaries he wants and/or needs by delaying a response and doing lunch, but only at work.

Your passive aggressive "well now he won't have to worry about me" says you won't respect his boundaries. You could assess the situation and decide that, okay, that's the kind of friend he wants to be, is that acceptable? Will I be okay with it? Instead, you got hurt and angry and lashed out.

And honestly, at this point, if he's willing to be one level of friend but you want a higher level of friend, you're probably not compatible, at least not right now.

Friends go to lunch and dinner together. Meet for a coffee. Sometimes catch a movie, concert or a ball game. Even make it away for a weekend or a trip. If you're couples you have them to dinner or enjoy a night out. At least some of the time you acknowledge major life events together. Anyone who doesn't is just an old or new acquaintance.

Yes everyone is busy, but if people stay off social media/phones they have a couple extra hours a day. See how that works?

OP, did you even sleep last night or did you stay up all night thinking about this? I ask because I noticed that in between your post where you said you were going to bed and your next post, they were only 2 hours apart.

He’s your friend. You’re his acquaintance.

This is who he is. You have always known but always think he will be different next time or in a different situation. if someone slapped your face every time you said the word Home why would you think that when you said it for the 50th time they wouldn't still slap your face? I hope you went to lunch with him but don't call him again unless you can accept that he won't be there for you when you need him.

I hate to make this a straight vs gay thing but, here goes...

I've noticed with straight guys, friendship revolves around activities. Fishing, surfing, working on cars, gaming, playing sports, etc.

Gay guys like to talk.

Straight guys get exhausted by this. They have to do the "talking thing" with their girlfriends. They don't want to talk when they're with the guys. And by "talk" I mean communicate feelings, thoughts, ideas. Gay men have a hard time processing this.

Don't get me wrong, there are straight guys out there who are very self-reflective, and I love those types of people, but your friend may be just... a stereotypical straight guy.

I wouldn't burden the friendship with your "hurt feelings". Nor would I end the friendship. At this age friends are hard to come by. I would just move forward with the insight that he's not the person who is going to meet your needs in life, and instead stop investing emotionally in this friendship. It will make room for new and better friends. GAY ONES. GURL!!!!

P.S. Sometimes people just drift apart. Update us!

Bingo R66

That's another way of saying what I said at R47

And not all gay guys like talking about feelings and all that (RAISES HAND)

Many, probably most, friendships have an asymmetry to them. One of you will be a bit, or a lot, more invested than the other. This is just how the world is - everyone's circumstances are different. Such a friendship can bumble along reasonably enough but sometimes a situation emerges that brings the degree of the difference into clarity and you have to make a decision. Do you readjust your perception of the relationship and carry on in a less-committed way, or do you decide it doesn't give you enough of what you want and withdraw, with as much or as little dignity as you choose. That decision is up to you. I'd suggest withdrawing a little but not pressing the nuclear button - meet for the lunch and see how it goes and how you feel about it. The friendship might still give you something that you want, if not everything.

Gay or straight has little Frodo with this. I pretty much know who my closest friends are- there are some who I would not call close but call friends nevertheless. I work pretty hard to maintain friendships with all of them and make new friends. I certainly don’t prostrate myself. But I also don’t attempt to control or judge- rather accept them as they are. Suggest you see this fellow and keep it light letting him set the agenda. And relax. If he cannot or will not be a good support during a tough time, find someone who will. No retaliation or bridge burning.

Oh! And be prepared for him to apologize to your face and make big promises about the future, because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, and nothing improves and the relationship just stays the same.

I had a guy completely drop off the radar then one day his girlfriend calls and invites me to his birthday dinner. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea cuz her man had dumped me as a friend years earlier. She called me back and said that he wants me at his dinner, so I go! After dinner in the parking lot I inquire as what happened to "us" and are we cool or not? He apologized to me, swore nothing was wrong between us, told me would call me and set up a bro-date, and I never heard from him again. 15 years now.

OP, why are you playing a game you're already too smart for and know is a self-destructive trope of habit?

Screw that "friend,"

There ARE better people out here. And you don't find us if you're wallowing when people you know are not there for you - and with you - do it all again?

Too bad you're not in my town.

r71 is giving you the best advice anyone's given so far, PattiFan. I think you have already come to this realization on your own.

fair-weath·er friend noun

a person who stops being a friend in times of difficulty.

R69 Frodo???

MARY!

Am I really the first one with the correct response?

R61 your post made me quite uncomfortable, so there must be truth in it.

I cancelled. In a nice way. He has a show he does each month next week, and I will attend that. So he won't think this was an angry, petulant gesture.

Fact is, it's been this way for years. I'm more into the friendship than he is. I get hurt each time this happens. Time to stop it from happening again. Not his fault. He did nothing wrong. "It's only you and me and we just disagree."

Does the show he does every month involve nudity?

R77 nope.

R1s response is a generic boiler plate. Well written and with all due respect R1, but this is not a unique scenario, and any insight shouldn’t weird you out OP.

OP, straight men make crappy friends - they're friendships are usually based on a common interest and rarely go beyond the superficial. This is a well studied phenomena, and is generally believed to cause a host of problems for men, especially as they age.

If you want deeper friendships, in general terms your options are either women are gay men.

It is so odd to me that many of you see yourselves as a sort of third gender, somewhere between women and men.

R81 You've never noticed the difference between a gay friendship and a straight friendship?

Part of this dilemma has to do with age, also. As men age they don't exert the energy to maintain friendships in general. Even their straight/straight relationships. It's feels like too much effort. I'm guilty of this.

Thanks again for all the comments, folks. You guys helped.

Straight men are emotionally stunted and they don’t know how to express their feelings. It’s no surprise the rates for suicide are higher among men than women. They can’t admit ANYTHING.

I’m just still trying to figure out if it’s genetic or if it’s because society has always taught males to not express their feelings.

Guess who's living here with the great undead?

This paint-by-numbers life is fucking with my head once again

Novocaine for the soul, you better give me something to fill the hole

Before I sputter out

[quote] [R81] You've never noticed the difference between a gay friendship and a straight friendship?

Other than that one has a better idea of what I'm talking about when describing why a certain guy is hot?

No. Not really.

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change, but I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold. But I'm a million different people from one day to the next I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

I don't know why this took a turn to mid to late '90s modern pop/rock, but it did.

I always thought this video for Popular was hot as balls. The high school where they filmed it seemed to think so too. They demanded it be pulled from MTV, but had to settle for the name of the school being blurred out.

Thanks again for the advice guys. I considered it all. DL is a font of gay experience, and a valuable resource.

I had a str8 buddy like this (from college) (in the same fraternity together for two years). I always suspected I was the more devoted friend after we left school and weren’t housemates any more, but he was still happy to keep in touch once a month or so.

It was hard, and took time, but finally after a lot of soul searching and the help of a good therapist I had to accept that while he was very special to me, he just saw me as a cheap cum dump he didn’t even have to buy dinner for, and a pass around cocksucker he could use to score points (and business leverage) with his water polo teammates in the city.

It still hurts.

R89, someone on here once said: "straight men are sick, boring and stupid".

Straight men can't be authentic friends to gay men. They're be too insecure that people think they're gay too, as if that's the worst thing. The friendships probably end for that reason. Or peer pressure from their other male straight friends.

Also, women, and some gay men, can have intimate, emotionally rewarding friendships, without sex I.e. platonic. For men, the line is often blurred and disrespected, and this fear causes them to believe gay men will do the same thing to them. The older you get, the better friends you need.

Lastly, straight men invest emotionally, in their partners. Why do you think these crazy ex-boyfriends/ex-husbands kill their partners? Its because they lose they're emotional release, it feels like death when 'their' women leave. You can never have a relationship on an equal footing with them. Women have known this for hundreds of thousands of years.

It's not just straight men, most people are shit. My sister who lives close to me, who I've never refused a favor to, turned me down several times to hang out after our mom died. I am single and was very close to my mother, my sister is married. I went through a rough time and she could barely call, only texted. We have another sister, who I was never as close, but I didn't care as much. She came running for her share of the inheritance though. I've finally realized I'm better off without toxic people in my life and decided to cease having a relationship.

R91, the trouble is, a lot of people have kids to give themselves a sense of purpose they can't generate themselves and meaning they cannot define without reference to some outside force/group/person.

What better way than to have a blank slate; a living doll, to raise and mould as your own, to reflect you back? So yes, r91, she is toxic, but don't let it poison you. She of course will be the victim of your unfounded bitterness and resentment. A lot of gay men grow up thinking that they're 'bad' and 'wrong'. By thinking if we were only 'good' we would be accepted, loved and treated with love (or just left in peace), sometimes we go to the other extreme; self-harn through excessive self-sacrifice.

OP, here’s some solid advice: stop obsessing as to whether or not to continue your friendship with him. Let the chips fall where they may.

From what you’ve shared, it appears you have bigger bigger fish to fry, like finding a fucking job, my friend!

Get on it, and now, before employers start tightening their belts.

Oh, and take yourself out to lunch once you get paid.

R47 I don't particularly care for your suggesting OP is acting like a [italic] girlfriend [/italic] . It promotes a stereotype that only women talk about problems or are concerned with their friends' emotional well-being. It furthermore reinforces the stereotype that men cannot be feeling, and express sympathy. Women I'm close to also DO want advice, (rather than just empathy as you state) even specifically asking me for it outright, so not too sure about the women you claim to know. (Perhaps you just give lousy advice) Unless you personally know how PattiFan interacts with his mate, you shouldn't assume he's being feminine, or suggesting he's going to freak him out. I don't believe any of this is helpful or constructive advice. I think it is emasculating to make that statement to him as well.

"Hell is other people."

So you cancelled the lunch? Good. Attempting to keep it light when you want to pour your heart out and need him to seriously listen while he's thinking he needs to get back to work will be very hurtful and pointless. You no longer matter to him. Do not waste your time and cause yourself more sadness.

I am pretty sure the OP is totally overreacting.

I'd hang out with you, OP, especially if you brought your tunes. Please try and have a nice weekend, my friend, and remember......

r94 > OurMillennialMoron

It’s a sad fact of life that you find out who your real friends are when: 1) you need to move, 2) lose your job, 3) become seriously ill or injured. ☹️

[quote] Straight men are emotionally stunted and they don’t know how to express their feelings. It’s no surprise the rates for suicide are higher among men than women. They can’t admit ANYTHING.

None of this is true.

R100, regarding moving, if you’re expecting friends to donate free labor that’s ridiculous. Pay for help, cheapie.

r100 if I help some “friend” move (which I’ve done more than once), the return favor would be appreciated.

r103 was meant for r102

Sounds like he's a fair weather friend OP. He's your friend as long as you don't do anything that causes him any discomfort, emotional or physical. My best suggestion is to move on to someone who is a real friend.

OP, You're torturing yourself over this guy. One of the things I learned in Cognitive Therapy was "No loaf is better than a half loaf of what you don't want."

So, I cancelled. I was very nice about it, and I mentioned that I would be going to his thing this week.

He replied "Good. Let me know if you want to get lunch another day"

I swear to fucking Christ, I have ONE problem in my life that completely ruins me. My inability to let go of people. That includes good friends, and guys I've been in a relationship with. I STILL pine for a guy I haven't seen in a year. Who has no interest at all in seeing me.

And THIS situation is just a friend, but I'm fucking tortured over it. I want to hang out for a couple of hours, talk about life, commiserate about my situation, watch a movie. Do friend stuff. He wants to see me for 45 mins in the middle of the day. And that's it. It fucking kills me. It wounds me. Again, I don't think the people have any idea how much they hurt me.

The question is WHY? Why can't I be like other people and just write him off without a second though. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I really was eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was a real thing. My life would be so much easier. I cannot bear to be like this anymore.

I know people who say "You just need to forget about it, he just doesn't like you" have their hearts in the right place, but it just isn't that simple. It should be, I guess, but it isn't.

R107 Now, now OP. I've done the same thing with my best friend. Only, I thought of him as MY best friend, He didn't think of ME as HIS best friend and I finally had to accept it. All you need to do is back off quietly and let the friendship rest for awhile. Stop reaching out to him and see if HE reaches out to you. Stop being the one who organizes lunches, drinks, etc. Let him do the work. That will tell you if he's invested or just relieved that you stopped calling him.

My ex-bestie, fell off the face of the earth when I stopped doing the work. It's been 10 years and he's never picked up the phone to even inquire what happened to me. One day I noticed he had unfriended me on facebook. Bold. It says everything, though. I'm a much healthier person (emotionally) having this friendship over. It was completely one-sided and frankly, we had zero in common.

Huh? I am still not getting this OP. He wants to see you and have lunch together. Why do you feel you need to write him off completely? Has he ever hung out for hours at a time, talking and watching movies?

R1? You in danger, honey.

OP, just go with the flow with him. No need to cut him off, but realize that he is a fair weather friend. And, maybe he always was and now you are just realizing it. You are probably an introvert, and your relationships mean a lot. Every one of them. Make friends with the same species (introverts). Extroverts have a billion friends, but none are real. Better to have one quarter in your pocket than 25 pennies. You seem like an emotional guy which is good. So, just let this person teach you a lesson.

He is a fair-weather friend. Aroudn for the good, absent for the bad. Forget him and concentrate on the friends who will be there when you need them.

He is not your friend anymore. I'm in my forties too. I know exactly how you feel. It sucks because we don't have many friends. And sometimes we lose them marriage, job, etc. It sounds like it is really tearing you up inside. And this person is just not worth it. They are not worth the stress. and he really doesn't sound like a person I would want to be friends with anyways. You have friends on here.

R111 "Better to have one quarter in your pocket than 25 pennies."

That's a great saying R111. I've never heard that before. I'm going to steal it from you and you get no credit whatsoever!

Ha! R114, you go ahead and steal it, lol!!!!

You're lonely, OP. Very natural and normal, of course. We're all a bit lonely some of the time. I think we all want to feel that our friends care about us, think about us, worry about us and love us as much as we love them etc. We all want to feel that we are important to someone. Your friend was a bit lazy or thoughtless about meeting up, giving you his time. That's his choice (bastard!) As others have said, step back a bit. Focus on other stuff. There is nothing "wrong" with you.

I don't understand all the drama. Maybe I missed this in one of your replies, OP, but have you told your friend what it is you want to do? If you don't, he won't know, will he? And why not go out to lunch with him and discuss what you've been going through? Maybe that would lead to more effort from him. Most straight men don't understand anything unless you spell it out for them. Gestures like canceling lunch mean nothing to them. They just think, "Oh, he canceled lunch."

OP , you are almost 50 but you sound like a high school girl, or junior high.

Straight guys will only go so far as friends before they think it’s too gay and then stop.

I want to hear more from R89 about being a pass around cocksucker.

R108 Out of curiosity, was your bestie gay or straight?

You're begging him for 45 minutes which is his brief moment of respite for the day(I'm assuming) and you think he wants you dumping your drama on him? No he doesn't. He's not the friend you want him to be. It's past and it's not coming back.

I know it sucks I've been there myself a number of times. It's horrible and leaves you feeling terribly lonely. It's like the death of a loved one, no matter how much you mourn and grieve they are not coming back. You hope with time you get over it. No guarantee but it can happen. And you can't change who you are and how you feel. I hope you find other friends who will matter as much to you and be there for you as you will be for them.

R108 . Yes he was very straight. Almost too straight (though I think there was something going on with a fellow personal trainer back in his 20's. lol. Just a feeling I got when he told me about a friendship that didn't end well)

I find as you get older - we get older - people generally become less engaged. You might have one or two people you can count on, if you're single. It's how it works. Especially with the straights. They have in many instances more competition for their time. Just roll with it. It's how it is.

My mother taught me this. If a friend wants to see you, he’ll make the time to do so. If he has excuses, doesn’t call or text or email, he’s simply not interested in being your friend anymore. It’s best to cut your losses and to move on.

By that standard you must be pretty solitary. There are varying degrees of friendship and if you understand that you pull from them appropriate degrees of connection.

R108 Thank you. Sound advice that I will take.

R109 Yes, we have.

R123 I hear you. It's my inability to do that that causes me problems.

Hear R124, OP. You might get more from that advice.

To be clear, there was a time when we hung out all the time. I'm not even looking for that now.

R127 I considered this person to be my best friend here. He doesn't consider me his best friend. That is where the pain is. R124's advice, while correct, doesn't help me. I know what my problem is.

I feel like I don't know enough about this situation to provide such cut and dry responses as you've already received. I do agree with R117 though.

What I don't know is how many times you've lost a job and commiserated with him (I know it's quite common to be let go more than a few times in a career) or how many other times you've cried on his shoulders vs. he on yours. If you're a perpetual crier, he's probably cutting you down to a 45 minute lunch because he still cares but he doesn't want to invest that much time into the same-old, same-old. I've had to do this with a few friends who always lean on me and end up sucking up my time and energy if I don't watch out.

You're old news to him at this point. Harsh but what can you do? Listen endlessly to Edie singing What Did I Have?