Let's be a non profit

I'm the community outreach

I'm the Director who hires her friends.

I'm the inflated salaries.

I'm the human smuggler.

I'm the Board. I do nothing. My members join me to pad their resume.

I'm Mary Alice. I've been a File Clerk there for 24 years. I take the bus, live with my aging father and I'm on more medication than he is.

I'm the once a year, big boondoggle trip to D.C. Well, actually, Tysons Corner. But the Marriott is awesome!

I'm the Oberlin diploma hanging on the wall.

I'm the small-time graft.

I'm the hackneyed project acronym-TEAM -Together Everyone Achieves More!!

I’m the motivational poster that had no real relevance to the lives of people the non-profit is supposed to help.

I'm the unemployability anywhere else.

I'm the pamphlets in the tiny "waiting room" hanging in the metal, wall mounted shelves.

I'm the head of this office. I am the only male here.

I'm the CEO making 750k a year, but I'm out of the office right now.

I'm R15's wife and I never leave the office.

I'm R15, heading to the Days Inn at noon to "interview a summer intern".

I'm the CFO whose last job was assistant manager on the overnights at an SRO.

I'm R16's son, home for the summer, coming by to borrow money from mom. Why do all these women stare at me and smile so much?

I'm the UPS guy (not a hot one) who always asks to use the restroom and stinks up the whole office.

I’m a former non-profit CEO and you guys are on target!

I'm a band a community stakeholders who side-eye and eye-roll and obfuscate.

Figure out how to serve me, address my issues, fund me in ways unconnected to the mission and, of course, hire my brother-in-law. Oh, I'll ignore your attempts to communicate but I WILL tell everyone you never communicate.

Meanwhile, somehow, good work and positive outcomes do occur. But I don't actually believe it, because nothing ever gets better.

I'm the new office, located in a strip mall, where we moved after the nice law firm that was donating us space for free had to reclaim the offices.

I'm the mission statement. I am vague enough to mean anything and nothing.

I'm the sign at the entrance requesting people donate a couple of hours a week volunteering. What the sign doesn't say is that couple of hours is more like 4 or 5 hours, and if you try to leave before the five hours is up, your fellow volunteers will most certainly let you know what a dirtball scumbag you are.

I am the 29 hours that go into the creation of every "clever" acronym for every project, program, initiative, effort, partnership, cohort, team, plan, and activity we do. Or don't get around to doing.

I'm the thousands of dollars wasted on "consultants" so certain managers can retain their bloated budgets. Managers get away with it because their bosses are too overwhelmed to conduct timely performance reviews.

I am the Development Director whose sole purpose here is to get the axe in place of the Executive Director when this poorly run non-profit fails to reach its fundraising goals for a million reasons unrelated to my tenure here.

I’m the 3% of collected funds that actually directly go to the cause or victims.

I'm the staff of child-focused disease support group cringing every time a parent wants to come in and volunteer by sharing her expertise in interior design for the cause.

I say things like, "What you don't get is," "A more professional dress code might help more parents be interested in volunteering, "I'm the only one not being paid here," and "My poor Becca would love that large dressed-and-decorated teddy bear with the princess gown that the Bear It All Shoppe just donated. I'll donate ten dollars for it and you can give me a receipt for my taxes."

I am the agency client, carefully groomed by the non-profit world to predicate every request for assistance with, "I made a poor choice, and...."

I am the volunteer professional from the for-profit world who is scared to death of those clients referenced in R31.

I'm the Development Director (Excuse me. We're now called "Directors of Advancement.") who, if I avoid the firing mentioned in R28, will take a new job every three years to keep people from realizing that all long-term funding goals are unrealistic and never actually reached.

I’m Sally Struthers and/or the poor child who is paraded in front of the cameras to seek donations that actually pay for overhead of the non-profit rather than helping proper

I'm the extremely wealthy philanthropist who always low-balls my giving despite high capacity, because I like the attention spreading it around gives me. My photo is published with the institutional and board leads for every major event, dozens a year. They're always so hopeful about what they think is "cultivation progress."

Several smaller non-profits will naively take my cagey equivocations as positive signs and plan a campaign with me as a lead early donor.

The money will never be committed and the campaigns will never take off.

Heading for South America in my seaworthy yacht in two weeks. See you at the end of September.

I'm the HR manager, who is actually the part-time accountant who knows nothing about HR who's entire role in that is to pass your info on to the insurance company when hired and hand out paychecks. If you ask any related questions beyond the bare minimum he does he will look at you like you have three heads. When you are abruptly fired for made up reasons because your manager is a lunatic who took her insecurity out on you, you will sit there and nod while she fires you and says he has nothing to do with the situation, despite being HR. He'll tell you they won't stand in the way of collecting unemployment and immediately protest it on fictitious grounds the moment you apply for it.

I'm the top celebrity, carefully negotiated with over two years, who will serve as the headliner for the huge event and fundraising drive for your helping-kids organization. You've already published many photos and videos of me with kids, leading up to the big moment.

I shall be arrested for possession and distribution of kiddy porn four days before the kickoff event.

I'm to ridiculously high executive pay and the disgustingly low pay for the most experienced, necessary staff.

I am love.

I am the accusation of not being committed, being greedy, not being on the team, and not caring about the mission whenever the low pay and terrible working conditions are raised in the slightest way.

I am raised by supervisors and managers who also are paid poorly and work in the terrible conditions.

I'm entitlement.

I am in the lead staff, the board, the staff and all the vendors, and they all deplore any sign of it in the poor, lowly schlumps the organization is supposed to be working with and helping.

I'm the employee's belief that they actually have a real job.

I am altruism.

I'm not here.

I’m your texts, e-mails and calls 24-7 because you are doing gods work thus are owned, body and soul, by this organization. I’m also the tax fraud.

I am the AFP and local affiliates, useless for anyone with real experience and pushed as necessary by anyone new to the game.

I represent the insane assertion that showing your techniques, successes and wares to the competition serves "the philanthropic industry."

All I serve is my own bank accounts and the people who get laid attending my national conference.

I'm the man with "the condition" we fight who stinks up the place for three days every time I visit.

I would be mortified if I realized what you think of me. I'm just trying to stay alive, connected and involved. I just figure if I can live with the stench, mess and possible unhygienic repercussions to air and surfaces, so can you, because I hardly notice them anymore thanks to my meds.

Oops again. Thanks for cleaning that up. Oh, you'll need a bigger bucket than that.

I'm the 1986 Volvo 240 in the parking lot. I belong to one of the low level, yet high working, members of the staff, I forget her name, like everyone else does. I do know she has cats and also does some sort of Buddhist chant whenever I threaten to break down, which is quite frequently.

On my rear bumper there's a bumper sticker under one of the cracked taillights. It says "One Earth One Humanity One Spirit" I am a rolling environmental disaster.

W&W, r18.

I’m the endless meetings debating publishing resolutions stating our positions on trendy bleeding-heart causes that have nothing to do with our mission, and which will be read by no one.

I'm the lazy bitches at the HRC. We suck up donor dollars at a voracious pace. In return, we buy ourselves lots of the newest and latest office furniture and throw fabulous parties where we gleefully look down on the very schlubs who make donations to us.

I'm the twitter monkey!

I'm the unanswered emails and unreturned voicemail messages from the people trying to volunteer which all the salaried employees are too 'busy' to answer.

I’m MailChimp and SurveyMonkey.

I’m the toxic office culture.

I’m the fat Program Director.

I’m a huge cunt.

I'm the christmas parties with instagrammable photo-op areas.

I'm the diversity statement.

This is a hilarious premise. Good one, OP.

All too true.

I'm the CEO who's been there for 30+ years who refuses to implement a succession plan.

I'm the series of broken office chairs that were "donated" to the agency when a for-profit firm redecorated. I'll go up, but not down. Or down and not ever back up. My casters don't roll and I pitch from side to side. But that's all the non profit has for its employees so stop your complaining!

I'm raising awareness!

I'm the tax evasion

I'm the group of program chairs at a meeting with other not for profits, discussing who flew the furthest to a meeting, managed to get some sight seeing in,and made it back to JFK within 24 hours.

I’m The Administrative Assistant to the Executive Director. My job is to schedule the c-level decision-making meetings. It’s a difficult job because it will take a minimum of 6 meetings/6 months to make ANY decision.

I'm the GLAAD media award recipient

Hi! I’m twirling around today pretending I didn’t throw pie on the piano yesterday. I need a bowl of water. And a spoon or fork. Do you have juice?

I’m the ex-actor who now is the IT Director. I get by because I’m good at improvisation.

I'm the sex-mad demure looking receptionist on the 35th floor, masturbating with the boss's gift to her of a Mont Blanc pen.

Im one of the smug for profit employed donors who believes in their superiority while reaping the benefits and enjoying the nice office environment that the average nonprofit employee will never experience

I am the office manager in her pencil skirt, legs crossed as only a woman can, as she peruses paint and carpet sample catalogs, as she ponders how to spend her inflated budget on the annual renovation and make the office space more gracious and liveable.

I'm the good intentions of employees, wanting to 'give back', meaning we don't have to work most of the times.

I'm the Organisation's Communication Standards Manual, done up by an intern some years ago.

I dictate font and font size. I also dictate that every image used by the NFP must include people, and if more than one person is featured, one has to be female and one has to be POC, best to always go with a female of colour in a wheel-chair.

Lol. I used to work at one of these. This thread is everything!

I'm the manager who boasts about creating an "inclusive, diverse" workplace, but I live in a wealthy white suburb.

I am the damaged individual served by the agency. If they ever actually solve my problem they’ll be out of business....and they know it.

I’m the financially illiterate Board that neglects its oversight duties until the charity is almost bankrupt.

I'm the sister girls in payroll. We're all ratchet cunts.

Here I was upset that I couldn't break into nonprofit work.....now I am counting blessings.

I'm the men's bathroom in an office with 5 men and 100 women. My counterpart smells like a CAFO feedlot at high noon.

I'm the occasional snacks brought in from a nearby restaurant/business.

When I am brought into the office, it really DOES turn into a CAFO feedlot.

I'm the top guy, well past retirement age, who came in just for a term of 5 years, but who found the salary, perks and frequent receipt of Presidential awards so addictive that I will be carried out of here feet first.

I’m the chief financial officer who fights the consultant’s recommendation that we implement a two-party signature process for all signed checks. I fight this tooth and nail for three years. I fight this until I’m arrested for embezzlement and have to pay back the $645,000 I stole by writing checks to my dog.

I'm all the petty, power trippy mindf*cks carried out by most nonprofit managers each and every day!

I got squeezed out of corporate America, so I make up for my irrational, toxic, gaping maw of insecurity by being a miserable cunt to my staff and it makes me happy.

I'm the bureaucracy which prevents anything from getting done ... for a 6 person organization.

I’m the coffee committee, we’ve spent hours trying to source ethically/conflict-free/sustainable coffee beans, recyclable cups, and machines that brew using green technology, and assembled by union workers.

I’m the upspeak and vocal crawl.

I'm also the shock when this bureaucratic management style results in abysmal fundraising numbers and no press for our yearly big event.

[quote] Here I was upset that I couldn't break into nonprofit work

You couldn’t “break” into non-profit work? Do you have a gross facial deformity or comatose?

I'm uber cunt Judy Woodruff, champion of human rights, highlighting the wrongs of the world, and board member of a NY not for profit, at a luncheon where I treat the caterers and waitstaff like shit on my shoe.

I am also Bill Moyers, guest at same luncheon;courteous and kind, popping my head in the kitchen to thank the waitstaff for their work.

I 'm the Communications Coordinator. My prior experience includes selling vacuums door to door in Europe.

I'm bottoms. Other than the straight CEO, we're the only males employed here.

I 'm the janitor.

I'm an entertainer, former and perhaps briefly an A lister in my domain. I'm doing this black-tie fundraiser for the money and exposure. 50% of the guests will actively avoid my little show and pity me. I'm a pro at this and reasonably polite and sociable and say more or less the correct sanctimonious boiler-plate. I get plenty of work.

I'm the permanently A List celebrity executive director of an internationally famous charity event that includes a red carpet with mostly A list stars in luxury high fashion, business executives, socialites, and some titles. Unfortunately, this was in the past. My event lost it's A list status and naturally I chose to pursue "new adventures" for my grand philanthropic gestures.

I’m a bi-racial C list actress from a cable show no one watched who hit the goldmine and now I have a courtesy title from the world’s most distinguished royal family. Oh wait, this isn’t about ME?

Ok, so I have a non-profit too. To help women, or something like that. Tampons? Ethnic cooking? I really can’t remember.

R35, I have one of you in my family. Spot on.

Interesting that nonprofits, which actually do more good than any DLers (most of whom have never volunteered to do anything good for anyone ever), will ever know, take such a beating here. Datalounge really has turned into a basket of deplorables.

^^Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, is it not?^^

Fuck you, R98. I would wager over half the people on this board are currently employed by a non-profit, or have been. So they are the ones doing this good work to which you refer. They also know first-hand that in exchange for an enormous benefit of being tax-exempt, they accept in return almost no supervision whatsoever; not from the government and not from the board. The biggest benefit of that tax exempt status is often conveyed to the four or five most senior managers. If that's what the tax savings go to, and often that's the case, then we don't need the non-profit tax-exempt status in the first place.

Tax them like any other corporation and use the money to put the proper services in place.

R98 Sadly too many of these posts ring true and are probably from people who work for non profits. They are rife with grift and mismanagement.

I'm the hired grant writer who has to remind the Artistic Director/OP that nonprofit is one word.

I’m the new box of multicolored Post-It notes ready to be used at the offsite staff retreat. It’s the day out of the office when attendees cover the conference room walls with SWOT analysis thoughts. (Earl from accounting will use one pad to make a flip book of a mouse running across the page.) Some lucky soul will be charged with collecting these Post-Its and transcribing them into a vitally important Strategic Plan document no one will ever read.

I've been that lucky soul, R103.

I'm the land claim/territorial acknowledgement in every email signature.

I'm the macabre, passive-aggressive humor back in the cubes.

[quote] You couldn’t “break” into non-profit work? Do you have a gross facial deformity or comatose?

Not at all. But most of them either insist that the applicant have 3 or more years of NP work, and/or want to hire a woman or person of color exclusively.

Alas, despite a significant amount of experience, I do not meet any of those criteria.

I'm the board chair appointed to serve as interim executive director. I have no idea how to run this organization.

I'm the marketing girls who come up with a host of unoriginal fundraising ideas that eat up loads of time and money and never really come to fruition - unless they involve food.

I'm Dan Pallotta. I'll take 65% and leave you stranded! Bye!

I'm Donald Trump. I'll come to your event even if you don't invite me, and I'll never give you a penny, but you can ask my sucker of a brother.

I’m the volunteer who can work from 11-11:46 on Tuesdays, but your kitchen cripple ramp MUST be cleared!

Why don’t you allow handy capables in this soup kitchen?

R98 If you saw the politics that goes on in some of them;the favoring of certain women because they are blondes, the shafting of others because they are older, despite having stellar track records in their area of expertise, and the importation of younger women and past associates to give them a fat salary with perks.

I worked at one for 2 years-it does tremendous work and was always ahead of the curve, but some of the crap that went on was shameful. I remember in particular, the board, with an outgoing president, deciding that they should all a gold jewelry piece as a parting gift, paid for of course by the endowment.

So the point of this thread is that Trumpian-type for-profit companies are much better than non-profits?

I'm the LGBTQI outreach officer who identifies as 'queer' despite being in a committed heterosexual relationship. My remit is to do zero work for actual gay people, while forensically scouring all online communications for non-inclusive language and changing it to tedious jargon that will baffle and alienate most of our clientele.

I will need 53 days of sick leave this year to deal with my mental health issues. Everyone in the office over 30 will walk on eggshells around me for fear of accidentally using a word I deem offensive, which is just the way I like it.

I’m the holidays you’re working because those are the days when donors remember you exist.

[quote]When you are abruptly fired for made up reasons because your manager is a lunatic who took her insecurity out on you

That's not just in the non-profit world. Bitches like that are everywhere.

I'm the wealthy spouse or the family money, which enables these people to work in non-profit for peanuts.

I'm the extremely stupid bitch CFO who embezzled $420,000 into my own personal bank accounts, thinking nobody would notice. Maybe they would think that $420,000 just got misplaced somehow, and it wouldn't be a big deal. Did I mention I'm an extremely stupid bitch? I am currently a guest of the York Correctional Institution in Niantic, Connecticut.

I’m the curdled mayonnaise at the office potluck.

I'm the extra duties without the extra pay.

I'm a B.A.s from Bennington, Sarah Lawrence, Bard, Evergreen, New College of Florida, etc., and we miraculously carry some cred in a small corner of the non-profit world.

I am the tiny scholarship that is about one percent of annual costs.

[quote]I'm the sign at the entrance requesting people donate a couple of hours a week volunteering. What the sign doesn't say is that couple of hours is more like 4 or 5 hours, and if you try to leave before the five hours is up, your fellow volunteers will most certainly let you know what a dirtball scumbag you are.

I'm the well-qualified volunteer who responds to one of those requests but never hears anything back from the organization. I'll take my services (and my future business) elsewhere in the future, thankyouverymuch.

I’m the new graphic designer. I’m actually the ex-wife of a major donor and my ex asked his buddy the CEO to please find something for me to do.

I designed the flyers for the PTA, PTSA and spring concerts at my child’s school using Corel and Print Shop Deluxe. What do you mean I have to use a Mac? I’m not a left brain person!

I'm the freakishly well-paid cunt CEO Executive Director of a respected public TV/radio station in San Francisco. When I leave for greener pastures, I have my own movers take all "my" office furniture, original artwork (on loan by donors) and plants with me. So long, bitches!

I’m the expensive, multi-sessions course in hospitality. All the lower-level staff that are forced to go to them knows they are bullshit and will take valuable time during a particularly busy time in the year, but they’re forced to go. After the sessions reveal the real problems lie in upper management, they are never spoken of again, except in hushed tones at nearby bars and an occasional snarky question in the staff newsletter.

I’m the bullshit task list used to keep volunteers out of the way during rush periods.

Do you like opening 800 k cups with a spoon?

We're the senior executives who live in lily-white, affluent neighborhoods and would go apoplectic if any of the people our charities are designed to help ever moved within ten square miles of us.

This is great and all true.

I am also the Executive Assistant to the Executive Director. I spend many hours answering calls and emails from Board Members who want me make their travel plans - flights and hotels.

I also have to make sure that all of the board packets for the semi annual meeting have the pages in the right order and are numbered - even though most of the board members bring the packets to the meeting in the unopened envelopes they were mailed in and never refer to them during the meeting. I see most of them in the trash after the meeting - well, the ones not left on the table.

In my spare time, I have to collect the time sheets and figure the paychecks and deduction - and make sure everyone's health insurance is up to date.

I am the disease the nonprofit is supposed to help people cope with it. The vast majority of the employees know next to nothing about me....although I remain incurable and one of the top causes of cancer deaths, our parties our fabulous so who cares?

I’m the special needs work coach staring at his phone.

Is your organization providing the best it can on a shoe-string?

Would you like to add another fucking constraint?

Let’s add a short bus full of challenged individuals. I’ll be over here, sucking on my upper plate.

This thread is very concerning.

We're the MTF trannies with no discernible job skills or useful experience, yet we will become well paid managers/executives simply because we're MTF trannies. Bonus points for black/latino MTFs.

I'm the luckless account executive at the ad agency. I was tapped to handle this pro bono "account" by the Creative Director, whose ex-lover is on the board. The nonprofit will suck up 65% of my time for the next three hellish months with endless whiny revisions, indecision, revamps, and a complete lack of understanding of the process and unwillingness to learn it. The creative team will also end up hating me, the nonprofit, and life itself.

After the Creative Director finally has to lay down the law with the nonprofit, they will take my agency's nearly-finished work and "touch it up," turning it into an ugly word-salad of dogshit, which they could have produced with a copy of Microsoft Word and a Xerox machine for $20 in the first place.

I am the token Asian working as a receptionist who masturbates with the Mont Blanc pen the CEO gave her.

[quote]I'm the inflated salaries.

As someone who once worked for a non-profit, I can assure you that the only people with inflated salaries are the executives. The regular staff (the people who actually do the real work) get paid shit.

[quote]I am the token Asian working as a receptionist who masturbates with the Mont Blanc pen the CEO gave her.

I’m guessing you’ve actually seen this happen because this is way too random and detailed to be a joke.

I'm the Director who gets paid over a quarter of a million dollars a year. I approve fundraising campaigns with dirty,hungry children or abandoned animals. It's hard work grifting!

I’m Tom. I’ve worked here for 37 years. My office is a complete disaster, I can’t hear anymore and I haven’t done any competent work for the past 5-10 years. I’m not going anywhere though. Younger staff are concerned I might drop dead in the office.

I’m the mandatory 3 hour training on sensitivity re: transgender employees and clients (we currently don’t have any but here’s hoping).

I’m the 60 year old black female office manager who rolls her eyes and sucks her teeth throughout the entire 3 hours. I periodically stage whisper “WHAT are they TALKING about?” to a very nervous looking younger white woman sitting next to me.

I’m the 55 year old male staff member who comes into the training 30 minutes late with coffee and when asked what pronouns he prefers looks offended and says “um ... HE?”

I’m currently the executive director of a naval museum, and R5 wins the thread. No board has ever been more useless than mine...15 of the most insufferable, insipid, lazy, stupid individuals I’ve ever encountered. I hate every one of them.

Just imagine the board of your museum association.

r139, did you not see r69, posted last year? My guess is r137 is r69, and was clearly traumatized by this event.

I am a worker at a non profit mental health organization. I have to stay late one evening a week. A deranged client off his meds sneaks in to the back area to confront me, as he believes I am responsible for the bed bugs in his apartment. I make a run for it and lock myself in the bathroom while the police are called.

I tell my boss that I am frightened to go to my car in an unlighted parking area those nights I stay late. My boss, who has a degree in Phys Ed, tells me to use "the buddy system" and have the older and overweight receptionist walk be to my car. They don't want to spend money on a security person.

Oh R146 that made me lol. That reminds me of how I have to make home visits to clients in public housing in the Bronx and my boss told me to take an escort if I feel unsafe going alone. The escort is an alcoholic 62 year old named Nelson who sleeps in a cubicle all day. He’s the “safety escort” for the entire staff.

This thread is hilarious and totally on the mark.

I'm the starchitect currently hot that is interviewing for the design of the new HQ. I have many ideas, all expensive. I am expensive. You will hire me.

I'm Pandemic Unenployment Assistance.

I’m the pandemic “task force” which is volunteer-based and made up of the 3 shrill fraus who are obsessed with childcare once WFH ends.

I’m the use of trendy, pretentious jargon like human centred design and knowledge mobilization.

I am the vendor who you ask for a not for profit discount every time you call even though you are Harvard University! Sure your school has an endowment that’s equals the GDP of a NATO country but yet you ask in every single call .

We’re the dump-and-run donation truck that drops overflow at any not-for-profit staffed by a “female”.

This week it’s box of Lindt’s bonbon bags. Next week may produce somewhat frozen whole turkeys! Or corn.

I’m the Policy on Policies.

I’m the baby shower in the dirty old conference room with the same ratty ass decorations they hang up everytime a frau has a dropping.

I’m the barren potluck sign-up sheet for said baby shower.

And I’m the desperate emails sent by whichever frau is organizing the latest shower passive aggressively reminding everyone about the potluck sign-up sheet.

I’m the bitching, sniping and interdepartmental warfare that makes the war in Syria look like an episode of Sesame Street.

I'm the full and immediate adoption of every bit of delusional instructions from the Transtapo!

All the straight white workers feel empowered saying "Queer!"

I'm the expense budget being set in stone before anyone asks advancement/development/fundraising what a reasonable projection for revenue is.

And they wonder why fundraisers change jobs every three years.

I’m the 27 year old Senior Executive Vice President of PMO (Project Management) looking confused as a potential hire talks about something called “Agile”. My major in Bible studies did not cover this “Agile”. I look like the younger sister of Kayleigh McEnany.

I'm the almost no work at all that happens after 2:00pm, or so.

I'm a true art.

You guys are describing every corporate hellhole in the world, not just NGOs.

[quote] All the straight white workers feel empowered saying "Queer!"

Just like they did when they were bullying gay kids in school by using that word. And worse.

I’m the account executive from the world-famous public relations agency who met with the leadership team of the nonprofit more out of pity than out of a sense we could help them. What a cluster. These are the leaders?

To make the decision easy for them we proposed a monthly retainer of $12,500 per month. It was sad when they wrote back asking what the could get for &1,500 per month. My answer: pencils.

I'm the DC job with a decent title that requires 4 languages, international development experience, a MA and weekend/evening flexibility and pays 45K a year.

I was the director of events at the UN Foundation and I had raging hissy fits if anyone dared to do anything without my involvement- down to blocking a team from ordering lunch for a working meeting. We had to ask your team to order a handful of sandwiches. You were so out of control you were entirely comfortable with screaming at interns and all the way up to the COO. You got away with it for years because you started off as the assistant to the President and bitched your way to director level. Everyone hated your guts though and let's face it, you were in charge of catering.

I’m the CEO who resigned in disgrace from his previous job under credible accusations of fraud.

R165 wins. Dead on.

R166, it's why I'm still at my dead end, dead soul corporate job. If it's going to suck, I may as well take the 6 figure salary.

I looked into a job in an area "I'm passionate about" and I'm actually a paying member of the organization. The salary range was 35-40K. How the fuck does someone live in DC for that kind of pay? My first thought after NOT applying for the job was "I need to donate more to this org." The poor employees...

Ooops, that was meant for R168

Yep r169. I work at a nonprofit and actually get paid a good enough salary (because I’ve been there for 11 years). Whenever I want to leave I look at job listings for other nonprofits and see there are 500 job requirements and the salary is like $65k tops.

[quote]Whenever I want to leave I look at job listings for other nonprofits and see there are 500 job requirements and the salary is like $65k tops.

Oh honey - that’s the equivalent of six figures in my area. Where I live I’m not joking it’s not unusual for a nonprofit to pay $25,000-$30,000 for a job that requires a college degree.

Does UN pay well?

I’m the book, Radical Candor. All the managers are required to read me.

R172 - you’re right. I was talking about NY and DC jobs and that’s the top of the salary scale. You’re right though. $65k is nothing to complain about.

I’m the Harvard grad:

Who is Asian and behaves like Sarah from Ab Fab. Who is in his mid 40’s and wears tight pants and funny hats and desperately needs attention. I don’t understand social cues. I need to stop saying, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we...” Who is head of advancement and thinks that a little auction might be fun, I’ll wear my fun dress and listen to everyone with my eyes bugging out of my skull.

Hi! I'm "cascading"! I basically consist of forwarding an email to the whole "team" (with an "FYI," or "just keeping you in the loop," or "let's make this a PRIORITY!")...or calling a senseless meeting of the "team" at which I will read the email out loud, more or less.

I am the important sounding creative job titles like, "Community Empowerment Specialist" and "Director of Social Justice Advocacy" to compensate for dismal salaries.

I'm the leftover swag bags from the last "gala". I've got 7 items so lame even the staff won't take me home.

I’m eight boxes of stainless steel spoons.

The director worries that junkies will steal them to do heroin, so you provide plastic sporks for soup.

I’m the under qualified black frau they hired as CEO. I’m black, female and we’ll connected so I got hired.

I'm the four people sharing a Motel 6 on a business trip. Lisa had a dream about her boyfriend and wound up kissing her boss Nancy in real life.

This thread is lethally accurate.

I answer the phones. My title is “Telecommunications Coordinator III.”

I’m the upcoming mandatory anti racism training even though everyone in charge and over half the office is black.

I’m the volunteer who is tripping. My mom gives money.

I’m the missing external hard drive with “the good” pornography.

I’m the volunteer who’s only here to complete my court ordered community service for my DUI conviction. This place is driving me to drink more.

I am EVERYTHING that is done for how it looks to key people on the board (those who will renew the very generous contact for the CEO).

I am definitely not things clients need.

I'm the earrings

I'm the caftans!

I'm the cumdump

I'm the wonderful opportunity to work for peanuts, and you'll like it, too

I'm the pilfered profits despite claims to the contrary

I'm the scuzzy board member whose behavior is ignored

I'm the flat prosecco and sweating cubes of cheese at the event you have to clean up after

I'm the senior leadership who left a director in the job even though he was incompetent, had zero standing in the subject/community and a giant asshole to boot. I didn't care that everyone who worked for him hated his guts. I fired his ass only after external partners complained about him but yeah, I was perfectly fine with him treating staff like shit. I'm sure the company parties and platitudes more than made up for it though.

I'm the PR person denying there is any graft, waste of funds or money laundering afoot.

R195: And he’s here posting all these Karenish insults towards those who know what they’re talking about reading the likes of him and the organizations that hire him to fill.

I’m One of the top three spots on your trust’s yearly budget and a 25 year-old fundraiser who is way too familiar with the elderly is trying to guilt everyone into giving this Dysfunctional carnival a place at the top.

I’m the senior manager who, despite being in post more than 5 years, has only just had some basic management coaching. My main takeaway from this? I’m now a Thought Leader - a fact I will share with the people I “manage” to reinforce once again how superior I am to them.

Later, when my IT crony gives me access to their Teams chats, I will read what they really think of me and try to find ways to vent my unexpressed fury on them.

I’m the messy girl. I speak in a super sexy voice to let you know that I’m starting my own thing on the side, a sexy art thing. Even I don’t know what it is, but it involves me talking about anal sex. I arrive at 11:00 AM, and I look like hell.

I’m a vaguely French girl who wears obscenely short skirts to tease the artsy males in charge. Ooooooo look at me at the copy machine oooooooo. I’m a cunt to anyone who isn’t male and in charge, because all the men dream about my pussy.

I'm the big-mouthed Executive Director who does no actual work but attends luncheons and flies to conferences (Business Class!) and orders a new Macbook every year. When the inevitable budget shortfall occurs, I blame the Development Director and make a big show of firing her.

I’m a highly paid external consultant facilitator hired for $$$$ to work on team building, conflict resolution and well-being strategy.

My experience? Playing the white saviour in war torn Yemen/Afghanistan/Syria until being politely advhsed to puss off out of the country and never return.

R202 is the highly paid external consultant facilitator who would not be needed if the fucking awful Executive Director was any good at his job. What the fuck is the point of an Executive Director who has to spend company money to paper over his management ineptitude? The Board only approved the expense because it didn't want to admit it made an awful hire in the Executive Director.

I'm the inability to make payroll.

(This happened to me a couple of times - a co-worker darkly joked, "We put the 'non' in 'non-profit'.)

I’m the organization’s annual 5k run/walk that all the employees are “voluntold” to take part in. Everyone will get a crappy t-shirt for participating. Small, medium and large are all gone. XL and XXL still available.

I’m the Type A personality that couldn’t cut it in business, so I run a non profit that is basically funded by city grants. So we end up a de facto city department without oversight. So I get city contracts to “help” the homeless. All we manage to do is have meetings and retreats. At the end of the year we write a statement of what would do with more money. The city renews the contract and the process begins anew.

Oooo, I worked there, R206. I worked there.

Does anyone know what's going on at GMHC now and before the pandemic? I noticed they've moved into yet another new space. The immediately previous one was large and cavernous. I've not been to the newest one and assume it's smaller. What services do they provide now? I have donated money to GMHC since the year of their founding. Not a big volunteer but I donated time and expertise to work on a publication at one point. As I said I've donated every year, including last year for the march. It's automatic for me. But I'm not sure I should. I have on occasion given to the Callen-Lorde clinic for LGBTQ people and even used it twice. Once when my doctor disappeared I went over there and had a physician assistant as my primary for a while. He was better than my primary and diagnosed an underlying condition. Later, when getting cancer treatment which affected my immune system and flu shots were rare they gave me one. They seem like a better candidate for charity. Sorry if this is an overly NYC post.

I'm the endless meetings and "team-building."

I’m Franklin Graham, CEO of Samaritan’s Purse. My yearly salary is $636,000 dollars.

R208, GMHC is increasingly dire straits. Now that HIV/AIDS is a chronic disease and not necessarily a death sentence, GMHC clientele have little use for many of the services the organization offers. Young HIV+ people nowadays are able to live independently and go about their lives much as they would do if they were HIV-. There are still a few long term survivors who avail themselves of the services that GMHC offers, but the younger cohort manages largely on their own. A less engaged client base results in less robust financial support which in turn results in reduced services. I have no idea how COVID has affected the operation, but I’m certain it can’t have been for the better. I wouldn’t be surprised if GMHC closed for good in the next decade. It is increasingly no longer fit for purpose and the community support is shrinking.

I'm Michael Weinstein. I've spent nearly $100 million in donor funds on campaigns completely unrelated to HIV/AIDS, which is the ostensible reason for my non-profit's existence.

I work for one too. I cannot emphasize enough how accurate this thread is. My eyes are now wide open to how grifty their tax exempt status is — it has disturbed me so much that I’m doing everything I can to get the fuck out. I finally realized that it’s because I feel like I’m living two lives, my work self, and my real self. I’m tired of having to play the game and pretending I’m ok with it, or that the upper tier is smarter or more competent than me. Many of them are very talented, but many don’t have enough experience working in a for-profit environment and therefore don’t understand how to perform at high levels. Half their day is spent chatting about Netflix....they are literally paid to chat and get Starbucks!!!

And I don’t even care, I don’t think they’re monsters, most humans do this, people are lazy. But when your org is exempt from taxes, and revenues are generated by donors, then it becomes a situation where we aren’t being good stewards of those funds. And that hypocrisy makes me sick, it’s affecting my mental health, I need out.

I’m the anger management issues which would not be tolerated in any other sector.

HIV non profits seem to be the worst. The pay for people with lived experience is appalling. I know one where staff have to use food banks

I'm the pink, blue and purple hair.

I’m the collection of multi-color Post-It notes. I am trotted out every year for the corporate retreat and applied to large pieces of easel paper taped to the walls of the hotel conference room. (Jean, be careful removing them. We don’t want to be charged again this year for ruining the wall covering!)

Each color indicates a different category — Wants, Needs, Aspires, Emulates — and teams, broken down by department/organization responsibility, are tasked with engaging in forward looking thoughts that will help position our Thought Leader nonprofit as the go-to partner for corporations looking for corporate social responsibility partners. (Assuage your guilt by writing a check!)

At the end of the meeting, Erin the slightly chunky intern will be assigned the thankless task of turning these Post-It note thoughts into a massive document that no one will ever read. Lucky for her someone showed where the notes from last year’s retreat lived on the server. She was able to do a copy, paste with 95% of it.

I'm the out-of-state wedding I just HAVE to go to every weekend that there's one of those obnoxious corporate retreats.

R217 I feel so SEEN. Are you me?

I’m the celebrity who creates their own non-profit “foundation” as a tax shelter

People with no discernible talent or training for their role and spend half their time running off anyone who does.

I am the CEO of a faith-based nonprofit that does not believe in the homosex.

Fifteen years ago, when I was working in the corporate world, I had a torrid affair with the CEO of a regional nonprofit. We parted ways and he said If i ever needed him I should call him.

Ten years ago, I got laid off from my corporate job, called my former lover and he put me on the staff of his regional nonprofit to keep me quiet. I rose through the ranks even though I treated all of the women like dirt and would backstab people left and right. The CEO left the nonprofit and moved to a statewide nonprofit rather than reveal our connection.

Five years ago, I grew bored at the regional and called my former flame who was now CEO at the statewide. He put me on the payroll rather than deal with our dirty laundry. I found another ‘friend’ on the board and plotted to bump off the CEO so I could take his place. (I’m a nice guy. Ha.) I became CEO of the statewide and managed, for the first time in its history, to run it right into the ground. Something about problems with my company credit card and unauthorized expenses.

Last year, I moved to another state to avoid facing criminal charges and began a new job as the CEO of a regional nonprofit. I am trying to be good with my credit card and ascertainment trips. Honest, I really am.

I'm the Director of IT, who hopes to drag this organization into the 21st century by upgrading the hardware and software, improving staff skills, and developing a cohesive strategic IT plan appropriate for an organization with limited financial resources.

Unfortunately, the Executive Director (who touted my importance to the organization) really had no intention of giving me the budget or staff need to achieve any success. What she expects is that I'll be her personal techie guru and come to her apartment (and her country home) to fix the computers of the entire family. Her husband has my number on speed dial.

R217's post hits close to home.

I’m the IT guy running a gay pron website off of one of the organization’s servers.

I'm the grants writer, struggling to make a persuasive case to a funder whose guidelines we clearly don't meet, and hoping the funder doesn't see the case isn't all smoke and mirrors.

I work in the arts and spend half of every application struggling to describe how this project will serve "underserved" and BAME populations, whom I know quite well wouldn't watch it unless tied down into their seats.

^*is (not isn't) all smoke and mirrors.

I'm the 1/2 million a year directrice (with another 1/2 million a year in perks/expense accounts). I'm really not so bad, a tough cookie, But. BUT. I hire 200,000 a year managers - outside normal HR procedures. These are women I have a history with. No-one is lesbian. No one understands what is the history because in fact they seem like frenemies. The managers are complete cunts who make all employees lives miserable. There is only 1 or maybe 2 managers at a time like this. It's a revolving door. They don't last long. A year or 2 or 3. Eventually it become apparent the Directrice gives them impossible tasks, and sets them up for failure. They always get canned. Sometimes they even come back years later and then get canned, AGAIN. Who cares if the non-profit suffers and wastes money and the cunts terrorize employees. It's a money machine and will never go bankrupt.

I'm the staggering rate of turnover in Development, driven by the assumptions of nonprofit Boards that Development staff are magicians who can pull rabbits out of hats even when the hst is, clearly, empty.

I'm the no limit expenses accounts of the top execs

I'm the degree in political science that never seemed to find a place for the recipient in the political world.

I’m the attitude that anyone who questions the status quo or make suggestions on how to do things better/more efficiently are “negative”.

I’m the 40% of the budget that goes for TV advertising.

I’m the “mean girl” cabal of fraus led by the boss frau

Sorry, but offices of mostly women or gay men—RUN. The worst.

R234 Sooo true

lets be adult about it

HIOE

I'm the statement of acknowledgment we are on ancestral lands.

I'm the million dollar apartment bought for the new director that she gets to keep after 5 years on the job. The week after five years, she quits.

E36 - I lived through that, too. I was fired randomly by an insane supervisor. I'm doing well now, though and thankful for not being in the nonprofit world and no longer donate to them.

r239 you're kidding. That shit really happens?

yes I know similar stories dating back years.

I’m the trustfunder who works in Major Gifts. We all know how this works. I’ll get other rich people to donate and I won’t ever submit expenses, but I’ll never be here before 9:30 and I’m leaving at noon on Fridays. And no, I’m not interested in joining the AFP as a professional development opportunity. I’d sooner eat the food that gets served at our staff holiday potluck than hang out with a bunch of gold-digging pashmina-clad hyenas with CFREs (cringe) at the local Hilton Garden Inn.

Wow r242. I need to get in on that scam! A free luxury apt. in NYC!

We are the bleeding hearts human rights activists who suddenly discovered they had a “potential racist inequality deficit” in the wake of BLM last year. We wish our black staff would shut up now; we’ve said sorry and read books about how not to be a racist.

I’m the plus sise trans person with multi colored My Little Pony hair and a million facial piercings. They created a role for me as “Microagression Consultant” to show the public we support body positivity and gender expression. I’m always at the center of any promotional photos for the non-profit.

*size

I'm the staff person who was made redundant by the new executive director, even after many people lobbied for me to stay. (Budget cuts)

So, why am I on their A1 mailing list for donations 5 years later?

I’m Caweb.

Bump

I’m the asshole OP who bores he shit out of me.

I am creating new clients for you

R103: "I’m the new box of multicolored Post-It notes ready to be used at the offsite staff retreat. It’s the day out of the office when attendees cover the conference room walls with SWOT analysis thoughts. (Earl from accounting will use one pad to make a flip book of a mouse running across the page.) Some lucky soul will be charged with collecting these Post-Its and transcribing them into a vitally important Strategic Plan document no one will ever read."

Earl from accounting. Ha!

I'm the nonprofit's technology excellence, powered by Windows Vista