Let’s Be a Staged Home

I'm this photo superimposed onto the TV above the fireplace. I pop up everywhere.

We've created a dining room table with a garbage can, a piece of plywood and a sheet!

We forgot our picture.

I’m the smell of fresh baked cookies, either real or artificial via candle.

I'm the myriad of urn-shaped brown lamps. We're all made of resin.

I'm the "live, laugh, love" cutout on the (granite, of course) kitchen counter.

I'm the pushy agent making you add your name and email address to the clipboard list.

I am the bed on the diagonal. I confuse the eye so the prospective buyer doesn't realize just how small the room is.

I’m the stenciled GATHER on the wall for home buyers too stupid to understand the purpose of a dining room.

I'm the bookshelves replaced with monochromatic books (white, beige or grey).

I’m the extreme wide angle lens - ready to fuck things up even MORE!!

R7 I am the phony name and email address I use when being a looky-loo

I’m the fuzzy white rug that makes the entire room seem softer and larger.

The couple looking at me know I would be ruined in three hours by their two toddlers and dog.

I'm the glossy one pagers on the foyer table, neatly fanned out in an arc.

I'm one of the 46 pillows and cushions on the bed.

I'm the can of apple-pie spray in the cabinet behind the cookie-smell candle.

Oh. That's the bed, R15?

I wondered what was under that polyester-foam-and-chintz pyramid.

Other than the cigarette butt a looky-loo stuck smoldering into the midst of them.

I'm big, fat off-white candles in the unused fireplace.

I'm the locked closet you're not permitted to see.

Because it's where the stack from the bathroom upstairs is leaking brown liquid.

Note the coat rack with those silly, festive hats placed in front of the closet door!

I'm the "art" with frames hanging curiously non-flush against the walls, which, after all, are thin sheetrock over old failing plaster.

THAT'S how a two-month flip was possible!

If you listen you can her the plaster pebbles and dust still falling behind the wall, to eventually bow the walls out at the bottom.

I'm this book. I don't know what I am but I'm a must have.

I'm the careful selection of "fun" and "interesting" magazines placed in the magazine racks in two bathrooms, to lend that "get real" lived-in look.

"Marie Claire," "Family Circle," "Elle," "Cigar Aficionado" and "Backyard Poultry."

Someone has opened the scent samples in "Elle."

I'm the realtor's business card with the photo of her taken sometime before the Berlin wall fell.

I’m the majesty palm, sitting near a corner to emphasize the natural light to keep me alive.

I pray this home sits on the market because every move stresses me to the brink of browning leaves, at which point the stager drops me in a dumpster to replace me with a newer model bought at Home Depot for $19.

I'm the spray painted gold gourds placed strategically to maximize Feng Shui.

Which DLers are in real estate?

Any staging secrets or anecdotes?

I'm the pale, tasteful grey, taupe, sky blue paint, there to give that so fist ick cated look.

Grey is fucking EVERYWHERE right now. Floors, walls, backsplashes...

So cheery and welcoming.

[quote] magazines placed in the magazine racks in two bathrooms

If I saw this at an open house I would gasp and storm out. I don't want to look at that and think of someone sitting there, gruntin' one out and reading.

Are you people slipping???

I AM THE STACKED BOOKS EVERYWHERE!

Stacked books is definitely a coastal thing.

Say what you will about us flyovers, we have have more common sense than that.

But we make up for it with all the inspirational sayings and mood-engaging words littering the fucking walls.

I bought my home from some fabulous queens who moved to Portland. They were legit fab. The house was decorated very expensively. They left the gray walls and gray (puddling, natch) drapes. It's all gray and gold. No color anywhere. They also left the Design Within Reach front porch light that is too dim to be useful. It can only hold a max 25 watt bulb.

I am the Wayfair lounge chair, accentuated with a Wayfair throw pillow in the bedroom at an angle. I don't know anyone that has a lounge chair in their bedroom in SF.

People need room for their 65 inch TV.

I'm the wall sculptures, $4.99 each at Hobby Lobby. From a distance, I look like solid wood or concrete, but I'm actually papier mache.

I’m the big posters of old commercial illustrations like in OP’s picture. They have to be French or Italian and feature some form of booze.

I'm the empty Gucci and Louis Vuitton bags on the shelf in the walk in closet.

I'm the Pellegrino water. There's probably a bowl of lemons or green apples nearby.

None of you gays has done real estate?

And so many Tasteful Friends threads!

I'm the fagot of 5 foot long sticks in the large floor vase.

I've never actually seen a house that I've done a mortgage for, just photos.

I'm the TV's absence. Isn't it nice?

I'm the pop of colored glass sculpture from HomeGoods.

I’m the footies that any hardcore homebuyer will arrive with.

I'm the "least offensive to the most people" beige paint that replaced the Mark Evans wallpaper.

I'm just a little potted artificial flower on one side of the immaculate marble fireplace!

You guys just described my sister’s house.

R37 beat me to it.

I'm the latest trendy fixtures, installed days ago to attract the first-time homebuyers.

I’m the massive storage locker by the nearest strip mall that is housing the owners’ astonishing array of clutter and crap as it awaits its own new home.

I'm the old wooden canoe cut in half and used as a bookcase in every lakefront cabin.

Staging secrets revealed.

#24’s Bryan Stoddard is hot as fuck!

I'm the red KitchenAid mixer on the kitchen counter. Except for me, kitchen surfaces are bare.

I appear in many, many, many, many staged photos. Other than that, I will never been used.

I’m a pile of books standing in for a person at the dining room table.

I'm the pretend baby's room. I will make an infertile frau's ovaries jump!

I'm all the lights turned on and all the faucets running.

I'm the 3/4-sized furniture that's specially made for staging and model homes ... I make the rooms look bigger.

I'm the bowl of green apples which sits by itself on the granite kitchen counter., adding a splash of color to the fashionable but suicide-inducing grey-and-white monotony of the entire house's interior.

I'm the big three sided marble or quarts island that stores the $59. Target chrome stools.

I'm the color grey.

If this is upscale house, I am fucking everywhere.

Dark grey. Light grey. Medium grey.

On the walls. On the beds. In the bathroom.

Me and my buddy, the Pop Of Color.

HGTV RULES!!!!

I didn’t realize that virtually staged homes were a result of the Great Recession, when banks had more vacant homes than they could possibly fill with staged furniture, so they started doctoring photos to make properties appear less barren and hollowed out.

This

I’m the slutty subdivision Sales Rep, who has a coke mirror in her desk and a tote bag of beer emptys in the office closet, who will get my pussy plowed by one of the development’s Project Manager’s hard cock in one of the “kid’s” staged bedrooms, there are two and they’re either princess or baseball themed!

True story, I worked for a Builder long ago and found that shit & walked in on that...

I'm the shag rug that NO ONE has ever stepped on!

I'm the empty upscale shopping bags that stand on shelves in an otherwise empty closet, intended to make you think that if you live here, you, too, will shop at Tiffany & Co.! And Nordstrom! And Barney's!

I'm the HomeGoods receipts used to return all the display dishes and vases after the damn thing sells.

R3 I was just thinking of that guy the other day.

I'm the cookbook in a stand on the kitchen counter. I'm opened to a classic French recipe, like coq au vin or beef bourguignon. Or maybe something more exotic, like a Moroccan tagine. My purpose is to help you visualize all of the entertaining you'll be doing in this fabulous kitchen.

I'm a grey fabric Chesterfield sofa, meant to project an image of wealth and casual sophistication. I'm $571 on Overstock.com

I'm awkward "upgrades" you wonder if you could get used to.

Eh, some of these are spot on, some not. We stage our own houses and it really does make a big difference. Here is my list of cliches and I've definitely been guilty of most of them. LOL.

1. yes, white and gray EVERYWHERE.

2. lemons, limes and green apples in glass bowls

3. wine bottle and two glasses on a tray (or a tea set)

4. artfully arranged decor consisting of an odd number of objects in varying heights: plant, candle, vase, etc.

5. light weight, modular furniture (no R67--way too heavy to lug around from house to house)

6. sagging blow up bed with a sign not to sit on it

7. frameless wall art (canvas) in neutral, abstract themes.

8. only kitchen, dining room, living room and bathrooms staged. All other rooms empty.

9. Bedrooms empty but painted different subtle colors (not gray like the common areas) so people looking at the listing photos will at least know they're looking at different rooms.

10. Full place settings on dining tables.

11. Command strips to hang stuff without putting holes in the walls. A Godsend.

12. most items purchased at Amazon, Wayfair, Target, Home Depot and Ikea

13. prop TV made of plastic

14. cheap, black in/out door mats--always forgotten until the last minute

15. fake re-useable plants because no one is around to water real ones (no R24, live palms that size are not $19--I wish)

16. ribbons tied on hand towels so potential buyers won't wipe their grubby paws on them.

17. shower curtain to hide a boring tub/shower. No curtain to show off nice tile work.

18. stacked books chosen for the color of their jackets.

19. throw blanket draped over the arm of a chair/sofa.

20. karate chopped pillows.

DL House Flipper - What do you do with all the furniture once a house sells? Do you have a storage space? Do people ever try to negotiate keeping furnishings?

And do the ribbons on hand towels always work?

R15, I’ve seen real plants. Maybe they’re there just for the open house, especially when the agent or seller wants to play up the natural light. And you absolutely can find large floor plants at a big box hardware store for under $20, but maybe that depends on where you live.

I’ve seen plenty of real sofas as well - along with fully upholstered chairs. Maybe that has to do with the specific market and the targeted buyer.

You should do a “I’m a House Flipper. AMA” thread. DL has so many questions for you.

I'm the trick that got lost in the house (from that other thread) and hasn't been seen in 24 hours

I've got a friend with a staging company in Dallas. He buys from Home Goods and TJ Maxx but also from re sale shops and goodwill. He charges $1500. for six months (average...if it's a huge house he'll charge more, or less if they use some of the homeowners own stuff. Then it's $300 per month after the first six months.

That's a heck of a bargain, R73. He's losing his shirt if he pays movers to get the stuff in and out, etc.

^ Is that his side gig or does he do staging my full time?

He's a realtor and he has one employee who does the moving and takes a cut. He's usually doing 3-4 stagings at a time.

I'm the noguchi coffee table.

A similar professional staging in San Francisco will be around $6500 for a 3 BR place for 2 months. The market is crazy there and the realtors are demanding nice artwork, designer furniture, professional live plants and orchids. The works.

I’m the large, ripe turd I leave in the toilet of model homes. I’m surprised how easy it is to walk away without flushing.

How often do agents just stage the homes themselves?

Too often, R80

I read this as [bold]Let's Be a Staged Hole

^ I’m the perimeter, festooned with dingleberries to add that soft, welcoming touch.

TV's over fireplaces = TACKY.

R69 I hate karate-chopped pillows. HATE them. Why is that a thing? What’s wrong with a nicely stuffed pillow plumped up in its original state?

There is an entire treatise justifying karate-chopped pillows!

R85, me too. I assume the karate chop is a “receipt”. An assurance that someone has paid attention to detail and the room is “finished”. Like the “sanitized” sash that covers a toilet seat, or a chocolate on a pillow when you arrive in a hotel room.

[quote]I read this as Let's Be a Staged Hole

If you find someone who provides this service, please refer the Cockgobbler to them.

R78 Interesting. In SF and the staging seems par for the course in the open houses I've been too. Granted, I've been looking at lower end properties (think bungalows/townhomes) and not bigger single family homes/luxury properties in expensive neighborhoods.

We've operated under the impression that people will buy anything, staging is optional, and the Chinese investors don't care at all.

Very few properties last two weeks, much less two months on the market. Not sure that $6,500 would be worth it.

Staging helps scale a room. Done well, it can show a room as spacious and bright.

I’m intrigued by the 3/4 size furniture mentioned upthread. Is that really a thing? If so, fucking brilliant!

I'm the joint taped under the lid of the guest bathroom toilet by the realtor.

For particularly stressful open houses.

I'm the very very faint stain on the white carpet that the industrial cleaning crew tried to get out following the murder/suicide three months ago.

R86’s link on chopping pillows has a pic with an interesting design scheme

[quote]I’m the large, ripe turd I leave in the toilet of model homes. I’m surprised how easy it is to walk away without flushing.

I actually saw this at an open house many years ago. The house was a $1+ million listing in Hope Ranch, one of Santa Barbara's priciest suburbs —like Montecito, but inhabited by dentists, lawyers and other nouveau riche [italic]poseurs.[/italic]

My partner and I were appropriately awed by the creative landscaping, beautiful decor and lovely pool. I wandered into one of the bathrooms, lifted the lid of the toilet and discovered an [italic]enormous[/italic] turd floating there without a care in the world. It really did look like a serpent. I've seen smaller swimming pool toys.

I found this hysterically funny and couldn't stop laughing. Of course I didn't flush it. To flush would have been to destroy a true work of art. (Or work o'fart, if you will). Throughout the rest of the home tour I kept flashing on that gargantuan fecal monstrosity and I'd start laughing again. To the point that my partner finally grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out of the house, which triggered my juvenile hysteria even more. As we walked to our car, he began humming the theme from [italic]Jaws[/italic] and I damn near peed my pants.

To this day I can't drive past that house without remembering the open house "surprise."

R90 recently I was with a much gayer friend at an At Home store, and I noticed all this weird small furniture. I said, who's buying all this doll house furniture? It was sofas,chairs, tables, dressers, but all smaller than normal.

My friend said "It's staging furniture." Then he had to explain to me what it is.

I am Carolyn Burnham, putting on my lipstick in a bathroom mirror talking to myself:

I will sell this house today.

I"m the hipster "Zen garden" that someone first spotted in a print magazine 20 years ago, featuring low-slung woven plastic patio furniture, a big Buddha head from Amazon and an utter disregard for anything to do with actual Buddhism.

R94, the agent behind that Redwood-sized log knew better than to flush; it would’ve clogged and overflowed the can, creating an open house catastrophe of the highest order.

I sold my house in the early 2000's and did not stage other than leaving what I couldn't take immediately. My realtor told me that everyone was wise to staging and not to bother. The place sold in a reasonable amount of time.

R78, I think staging is silly and ridiculous but also very smart in either a hot or lukewarm market. A 3 BR single family house or condo in SF is going for a $2 million price tag, so $6500 and will likely pay for itself several times over in the inevitable bidding war.