Is Ghosting A Mostly Female Thing?

Not for nothing, my ex-friend who ghosted me would from time to time seem as if he would expire from glee when he talked about how his life was "just like a housewife's." I gave him the word "frau" to use as some point, and from then on, he would talk about what a "hausfrau" he was.

And then he ghosted me.

It is not mostly a female thing

It seems like pretty shitty thing to do and I can't imagine doing it to someone (the guilt!) but then I've never had a toxic type friend who demanded all my time and attention to the point where I felt like I had no way out. (Which is what most ghosters claim was the case.)

I think there's a LOT of people out there with BPD than we knew about and * Ghosting* is just a part of their bag-o-tricks.

It's very much a thing people do in their twenties.

As you get older, people do it much less--not only because they get better with openly dealing with conflict, but also because they learn they get a very bad and harmful reputation if they ghost. It is pretty much the most passive-aggressive thing you can do, and people do not respect people who are that passive-aggressive.

I would have thought that too R5, but there are over 1K comments on that article, and a whole lot of them are about much older women pulling that on each other.

Though to my earlier point, the article could have just attracted a certain demo to the comments section.

The article was aimed at women, the illustration (posted at OP) tells you that it's an article for women. I read the comments and didn't notice that it was all women.

It was known at one time as not returning phone calls. And I guess before that by not answering letters. Haven't people always done this including men? You just don't want to communicate with a person. Nothing immature about it. Would you rather have a person say to you I don't like you for whatever reason or I find you boring?

My ex-friend was 50 when he ghosted me. I know because I'd made him a birthday cake three weeks earlier.

I just blocked r8, since he thinks there's nothing wrong with it.

Gay men make fantastic ghosts. BOO. They were born to ignore.

Not something I'd block someone over, r10, but I disagree with him completely, too.

Two of my closest friends stopped communicating with me -- no more Xmas and birthday cards or phone calls or e-mails -- when we were all in our early 60s. No explanations or dramatic developments in any of our lives, just silence from them for no apparent reason. I was mystified and hurt at first, eventually just pissed off.

....

I've dropped friends and have been dropped by people I thought were friends.

When I did it to others, they either brought out or encouraged the worst parts of me or proclivities that I needed to excise from my life. Our friend/relationships revolved around those things, basically, so to mature away from the behavior would not have been possible had I remained friends with them. For me, it was truly a time where I had to grow up and change or else I wouldn't have had a future worth a damn.

When it's happened to me, I've tried to keep in mind why I'd done it, in the past. That the person who moved on from me may have needed to put their mental or emotional health before anything else, I may have inadvertently been causing them upset or various other issues that has everything to do with their life...and nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Getting, and staying, bent out of shape over someone traveling a different path is self defeating. Rejection and disengagement are as much a part of life as acceptance and connection. If you allow yourself to fixate on your losses in life, you won't appreciate the bounty or recognize new opportunities for new friends or relationships.

I’ve dropped friends, but no one has ever dropped me.

So R10 has ghosted me. Ha!

People of all decades do ghosting.

[quote] That the person who moved on from me may have needed to put their mental or emotional health before anything else,

Or physical health. "OMG why aren't you consoling me about my losses?" "Oh, so sorry dear. I guess I was selfishly trying to steady myself for the news that the half-inch growth removed from my face is melanoma. Are you in a space where everybody who could be consoling you are selfishly treating their serious physical maladies or emotional needs?"

Someone with borderline personality disorder and maybe some anxiety disorders couldn't imagine that with job loss, a string of family deaths, and financial insecurity happening to me, I couldn't put those issues aside and stroke his ego as much as he'd come to expect.

I'm laidback about relationships, but I think if I can manage cards, emails and phone calls, the other can manage them too, if they're as interested in the relationship as I am. If they aren't, their absence will be filled by a new person.

This is OP.

So those of you who have ghosted--were these people you were super tight with and talked to several times a day and then just one day you were like "I'm done with this person forever!" and that was that?

Or were they people who kind of inserted themselves on you when they needed something and you had no other way to avoid them?

I am a woman, but the only person who ever ghosted me was my male ex best friend.

I've never had someone, other than family and my current partner, who I would have spoken with multiple times a day in a non-work capacity, OP.

So, the latter for me, if I had to choose the 'type' of relationship that I've ghosted/dropped.

See that makes sense to me R21 and doesn't seem so cruel.

The ones that fascinate me are the equivalent of the father who "went out to get a pack of cigarettes" and never came home or was seen or heard from again type ghosting. That seems so unnecessarily cruel.

I had a handful of very close female friends that dated back to when we were 16, and then a few others in college/grad school and from work. Among those who ghosted me, it was at a few distinct points: when they got engaged, when they got married, and when they had kids. A few others ghosted me when I left the company we were both working at or when grad school was over (despite 100s of personal emails, lunches and hours spent talking).

Gay guys have done the same thing, and often when they have a close bf too. I think it's just more noticeable when women have done it because it is so abrupt and coincides so directly with certain points in their lives. I never had gay friends dating back to the 90s, so it wasn't as striking when they disappeared after 15+ years of being friends. Also, gay guys "ghost" me mostly if we have gone out and there's no interest. (I put that one in quotes because it's not exactly the same - fairly straightforward / normal really). Sometimes I've tried to keep a friendship with these people but they're gone. I don't really consider that ghosting. It has been weird, though, when certain guys will tell me how much they like me & literally want to move in on one day & a week later - 100% ghost.

At least I have some friends left...despite all of this. It has made me very skeptical of people & now I have zero interest in seeking out new friends.

I agree, OP. I'm not sure I'd term stuff like a parent doing that "ghosting". "Abandonment", maybe? That's several levels above (below?).

Sorry, OP. R24 was also R15/ R21.

Yes R24, agreed re: abandonment. I just meant when people are that closely intertwined and don't see it coming at all.

My best female friend ghosted me. We had been friends since high school. 25 yrs. Traveled the world together. We met and befriended all our partners and boy friends. We came back from a fantastic trip to Egypt. My partner died 8 months later from cancer. I left her a VM she was the only one who never offered condolences. So several weeks after the funeral I called her and reminded her my partner (whom she knew well) was dead. Her response was" Yeah, everybody has to die." I was speechless. She then pretended to sob. I knew her since she was 16yr so I could tell. She cried more when her cat croaked. I had noticed she had started drinking heavily to the point of black out. Perhaps the booze caught up with her. Left a couple of birthday wishes on her vm over the years. No response. "C'est la vie.

I ghosted a friend once. I had been a supportive friend, helping this person through a hard time. At some point, I tried to tell this friend that I was starting to go through a hard time myself and that I needed help now. To no avail. Most of our interactions continued to be about my friend's problems. At some point, I needed to just take care of my own situation and ghosted the friend. I did run into this friend from time to time, they would talk about themselves and not ask me how I was doing.

Self awareness is a rare quality ^

I think men and women ghost in equal amounts. However, straight men get less flack for it if they’re working full-time and/or have a girlfriend or wife. Especially if he has kids. Poor guys just can’t do it all. And that’s the excuses they use: work and/or family. Nothing personal. Women don’t get to use work and/or family as excuses. Bitches better always be available. (Ghosting is always personal. At best they just don’t find you important enough to make time for.)

I've only ever been ghosted by women, but the women I know have mostly been ghosted by men.

R28 When I was 19, I listened to every problem a depressed straight guy I was friends with had. He dropped me as soon as he got a girlfriend and was happy. I swear, he did a complete 180 from suicidal to happy. I confronted him, and he told me that he didn't want to be friends with me anyone because I "reminded me of when" he "was miserable." He told all of our mutual friends and acquaintances that he dropped me because I told him that I was in love with him! I said no such thing, and I wasn't. Really. He wasn't the physical type I find attractive.

I later learned that he pulled a similar stunt on a women he was friends with.

I want to add, I'm very suspicious now of any friend that starts telling me their problems early in a relationship. I think many of these types want a free shrink, and as soon as they don't need that, they'll drop you.

r33 spot on. Great post.

[quote]When I was 19, I listened to every problem a depressed straight guy I was friends with had. He dropped me as soon as he got a girlfriend and was happy.

Yep... that's how it goes. For me it was like from 16-36 with one of them...female friend, but same dynamic. She listened to my problems, too... but once she was engaged - see ya. It wasn't even a slow fade-out. It was overnight.

Only really once. My best friend in college, a straight girl. We were a little group of best friends--three lesbians and her. She dumped us all when she found a boyfriend because she told me that her boyfriend didn't like her having gay friends.

I’m watching a strange dynamic play out in my family. My brother has six kids. Two of them are now adults. When his adult son ghosted him, he blamed his ex-wife and his son’s girlfriend for manipulating the kid and turning him against my brother. They all eventually made up. Now his adult daughter is in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. The boyfriend has beaten her more than once. He was even arrested for it and she ended up in the hospital. She’s now pregnant with her abusive boyfriend’s baby and she has recently ghosted my brother. Instead of blaming the abusive and controlling boyfriend, my brother blames his young adult daughter for being “selfish.” I think her boyfriend has scared her and isolated her from her friends and family in order to control her. I just hope she doesn’t end up dead. My brother doesn’t listen to me. He’s convinced his daughter is selfish like her mother (his ex). As I mentioned earlier in this thread, straight guys get more of a pass than females when it comes to ghosting.

That depends on the culture. In Latin America ghosting is like almost the only way people break up with friends since it's rude to tell someone at their face you don't want to be friends with them anymore, something that's very common in America and shocks Latinos to their core.

I might be the only guy here with exclusively male friends. I don't trust women and I have nothing in common with them. My best friends are all guys and some of them are with me for over 25 years, since high school. I've never been ghosted or ghosted someone.

r39 males ghost. You’re just lucky. I’m happy for you. Truly.

Actually, I know men do this, too, but it used to be called dropping someone.

Ghosting is fucking shitty, and you're a coward if you do it. A quick email explaining why you're cutting the person off is a very easy thing to do. If they try to contact you beyond that, and you ignore it, that's just their problem. But to cut someone off without explanation is evil.

The only person who ghosted me was a lady who had basically invented my "neediness" for her company. She moved out of state for a new job and we drifted apart, which was fine because she'd gotten involved in a fundie church, but she kept acting like I was desperately trying to hang out with her. I wouldn't email or call at all, she would contact me, make plans, then bail without letting me know. Finally I said as gently as possible that we didn't need to be in any rush to meet up for lunch and she disappeared forever.

The shitty thing was that her parents were friends with my parents but when my dad died several months later, they didn't even send mom a card. They ghosted my parents at the same time she ghosted me. Nutty family.

r42 there’s also “tapering off.” Not answering most of your calls or texts, making vague plans then canceling at the last minute, constantly stringing someone along, then lies about how busy they are and making you feel like shit for pointing out things have changed (gaslighting). I’d rather to just be cut off all at once with no explanation versus that game.

(33) I I have a very perceptive nature, and when I meet someone new with common interests, etc. I tread very lightly and never share any intimate secrets. The minute they start sharing personal things I am on alert. I never share deeply personal things with anyone new and it is a red flag when others do so way too early in a friendship. I can then ghost them before getting entwined. I do have a few deep friendships, but it takes a long time. I also believe that the ease of online "friendships", facebook, etc, allow too much pseudo intimacy.

It happened to me with a work friend. We’d sometimes hang out outside of work but when she moved to a different suburb she broke off contact. It’s not like we live millions of miles apart. I saw her the other day and she did the ‘oh ... hello’ duck and avoid routine. So we didn’t just grow apart as friends, she can’t even put on a social for ten seconds.

She’s pretty normal so I can only assume I did something unforgivable and I’ll never know what it was. I genuinely can’t think of what it could be, which is super irritating.

R42 is the one who ghosted/blocked me. I at least know the reason. He disagreed with me on the issue. Great reason.

I'm a millennial lesbian, been ghosted by both men & women and done the same right back. No regrets.

It's just how we do these days. A gradual cut & run is like a withdrawal, painful while you go through it but necessary if you want to live and thrive and go on with your life. Some people are just human black holes.

Sometimes people are just pains in the ass. What are you supposed to do?

I've got ghosted quite a few times in the past year. I moved into a city where I barely know anyone. The process of trying to get to know people is very difficult. Usually I meet someone at a bar, we talk awhile, exchange numbers, text for awhile and plan to meet when suddenly I realize i am not hearing back. Boom, ghosted. Or I meet someone at an event, we get talking or connect on something and we talk about meeting, exchange emails to find a time, they tell me they are currently busy but write back at a certain time that better, and then that time isn't good either and they say try again and I just stop because obviously if they wanted to make it work they would. Others we exchange an initial email but when I write back later asking to meet no reply.

I'm only complaining a little. They are entitled to choose to see me or not. The only thing is the pattern has been consistent over the past year. I'm lonely and it really is trying. I recently lost my job too and have been lonely.

Where do you live, r50?

R48 You are a "human black hole." I hope you climb out someday.

Ghosting has always happened. Only recently did it become a recognized thing. It doesn't just happen in personal relationships, but it happens in the workplace, too. In the 90s, I worked at a fast food place, and the General Manager went on a week's vacation and then never returned. The employees kept trying to call him to see if he was OK, but he wouldn't answer the phone or return messages. Eventually someone got a hold of him, and he explained that he wasn't coming back, that he didn't like the job. I don't know why he didn't tell anyone. It was a small town, and some of the employees had worked with him for years and considered him a friend.

[quote]My ex-friend was 50 when he ghosted me. I know because I'd made him a birthday cake three weeks earlier.

I specifically asked for a yellow cake with chocolate frosting, and you baked me a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting. If you can't put more effort into giving me what I want on my birthday, then you don't deserve to be my friend.

BTW, the cake was dry.

The worst thing is when the ghost suddenly approaches you years later and expects you to pretend they didn't deliberately cut you off, but rather you both "lost touch". It happened to me once. A woman I knew for a dozen years suddenly stopped returning my emails and calls. It hurt a lot at the time, especially because I never found out why, but I gradually realized she was using me for a free shrink as mentioned above. She was never there for me as I was for her. So it inspired some soul searching and I dealt with some codependent issues I picked up in childhood. Plus the friend had slipped from social drinking into a real habit, the last thing I need to be around.

Five years later we were at a mutual friend's party. After seeing her I discreetly stayed in other rooms. It was a big party and it would have been easy to ignore each other. She glided over and grabbed my arm saying "Long time no see! How ARE you?" with a big tipsy grin. I was just buzzed enough to hiss "You did me a big favor by cutting me off the way you did. I thank you for that." (I know, Mary!) I pulled my arm away, whirled around, nose in the air, and flounced. Why the hell not?

I stayed outside for the rest of it. Later someone told me she complained that she didn't ghost me and she didn't know why I was angry. Whatever, have another drink, bitch.

I sometimes wonder if people confuse "ghosting" with the natural progression of some relationships. For example, I assume most work relationships peter out when one or both people no longer work in the same place. Or, friends you have related to some hobbies. If you are no longer involved in the hobby, naturally, you wouldn't see the friend as much and the relationship would gradually fade. Not all friendships necessarily have to last forever.

Those are the ones that fascinate me R53--when people just disappear like that from out of the blue.

And R50, I don't know if those people are "ghosting" you as much as they get busy or they just don;t have time for a new friend right now--it wasn't as if you had a previous relationship.

I was thinking that too R56

I didn't want to get into the Definition Game, but to me it seems like it's someone you have a close and fairly consistent relationship with (daily or close to daily contact, either F2F or via text, email or phone) and then they just cut off contact from out of the blue, e.g,, not because they changed jobs or moved to got engaged or anything like that.

Sort of what R53 described

I ghosted a friend who told her husband I was her drug buddy to cover up for her worsening coke addiction. Addicts are the most unpredictable people on the planet and I wasn't taking any chances.

As for the cruelty of the act and leaving them hanging? Bullshit.....they knew what they were doing when they were doing it. They don't need an explanation to deny or a cause to hold up like a holy grail. If you were ghosted, look to yourself and figure it the fuck out.

R55, I like your style. Is there a video where I can learn to perfect a social hiss?

R51 I'm in Philadelphia

So Eldergays hissing is real?

I thought it was just a DL thing.

I've never had a true friend ghost me, but I've had potential romantic partners do it about 3 times. Never feels good mainly because you never get any answers. Things seem to be going great and then BAM - they're gone and you never know why. If there'd maybe been a common thread between those three, maybe it would have made sense, but I was ghosted at different times of each relationship.

There was one guy who I'd been seeing for nearly 9 months when he finally decided to break off all contact. It was bizarre. Then, he had the nerve to contact me for the first time in 2 years the night I was engaged. Strange timing. Guess he finally realized what he was missing.

R62, it's not what you're thinking, as in a snake hissing, but is a certain way of delivering a statement in a particularly venomous way.

So yes, bitch, it is a DL 'thing' to hiss at bitches.

LOL R64

No one thought you all sat there doing your best cobra imitation.

It's more like "Get off my lawn!"

Call me crazy, but I think Caller ID in 1995 started a lot of passive aggressive and/or avoidant social behaviors. Sure, you could always screen with your answering machine - but it was more of a chore to do that to every single call.

I found the comment by r38 interesting...that this would be the norm. But still - can't you say to a friend "can you please stop being late, complaining so much, or driving like an ass hole." You can't just tell someone what the issues are? I am not talking about a passing acquaintance but rather a friend of 5+ years. .. who maybe has developed annoying habits.

In general, I don't think there is anything normal about any of this. Humans evolved in clans and tribes that were roughly 200 people - and they lived their whole lives in those groups where everyone's reputations were known through the tribe, for their lifetimes. All kinds of important social behaviors were developed during that time (e.g, reciprocal altruism)...and people were accountable or they risked being left out in the wilderness alone. They fought all the time within these tribes. They didn't ghost each other. There's a reason it feels completely foreign and bizarre.

its a female thing and a femmy gay thing. It involves a lot of emotions, something most men dont express, gay or straight. If you want to end a friendship, why not just start turning down all invitations from the friend you want to go away. They will get the hint sooner or later. No need to make a big deal of it.

R53 here. I have a more recent, job-related example. I am the Chair of a committee for a member association. There are about 9 other members on the committee, but they're barely active, and don't regularly attend meetings. At one point, there was a woman who was quite involved. She was volunteering for a lot of activities, probably too many, but I admired her attitude and willingness to step up to the plate. One day, in the middle of several projects, she stopped returning my emails. I know that she was still at that job, because whenever I sent an email, I'd receive an up-to-date auto reply (e.g. Today is June 17; I'm out of the office today, but I'll reply to messages tomorrow on June 18.). I tried calling, but all the calls went to voicemail, and she never returned my messages. A couple of months later, I offered her an out. I wrote to all committee members asking if they wanted to continue their service on the committee. Basically, let me know if you're too busy to serve, and I'll quit copying you on all the group emails. She wouldn't even reply to that. (But I got an up-do-date email auto-reply.) Just tell me that you're busy and you don't want to be on the committee anymore. It's not that hard to do. In fact, 4 other members did just that. I guess she's just waiting for me to give up and take her name off the mailing list. So much time has passed now that it would be awkward for her to contact me and offer an explanation.

I always associated hissing with cats rather than snakes.

" But still - can't you say to a friend "can you please stop being late, complaining so much, or driving like an ass hole." You can't just tell someone what the issues are? I am not talking about a passing acquaintance but rather a friend of 5+ years. .. who maybe has developed annoying habits. " -[R66]

I've had several close friends of many years' standing who are "controlled alcoholics". As they get older, their alcoholism has become much more problematic, overpowering them, and, well, it became pretty offensive to me. I began declining invitations from 2 of them about 3 years ago. One got the hint pretty quickly, the other one was stridently inviting me, for a couple of years after I had said "No thanks" to her invitations many times. She finally started telling people, absurdly, that I had become some kind of recluse. She's a bad drunk, she knows it, she knows that everyone who knows her knows it, and she knows perfectly well why I never want to be around her again. It's almost demented, that she just won't take the hint. I'm done with her.

No, definitely not exclusively female. Straight men and ESPECIALLY gay men do it all the time.

[quote] When his adult son ghosted him, he blamed his ex-wife and his son’s girlfriend for manipulating the kid and turning him against my brother. They all eventually made up. Now his adult daughter is in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. The boyfriend has beaten her more than once. He was even arrested for it and she ended up in the hospital. She’s now pregnant with her abusive boyfriend’s baby and she has recently ghosted my brother.

My, what a colorful family you have. I love it when trashy people project their issues onto everyone else.

To those who've been ghosted, did you ever try asking the friend what the reason was? If not, why not?

I'm kind of in the middle of "ghosting" a friend. We've been friends for over 4 years. Really good friends. I'm gay, he's straight and I've become limerent for him. Not to bore you with too many details, but limerence has completely messed up my head and I felt like I couldn't continue being so close to him any longer. So, a few months ago I decided to cut down our interactions. We went from talking via text almost every day for hours on end to barely talking once a month. It's been the worst few months of my life. I miss him. He was honestly the best friend I've ever had.

When I pulled back, I didn't say anything to him and he hasn't brought it up or asked why. A couple times I've seen him since or the few times we chatted via texts, he acts like everything is the same. That fact alone is killing me because I take it as a confirmation of his indifference about me.

Should I say something to him? I wouldn't even know what to say. I think he knows I have feelings for him.

R73 , I've been ghosted a couple of times and didn't ask why. One person in particular, I liked a lot as a friend. When that person ghosted me, I actually just gave them the benefit of the doubt and figured that they had their reasons.

My vocabulary is pretty good (IMO), but I had never heard of "limerence" until this thread. R73 , I would leave your straight friend alone. "[H]e acts like everything is the same" probably because he is polite. You already said "limerence has completely messed up my head and I felt like I couldn't continue being so close to him any longer." What more do you need to say? There's nothing left to say.

They do it alot on those damn dating sites. It's one of the requirements.

I ghosted a friend that I knew for over 10 years. My decision to ghost her was not easy and did not happen overnight.

My reasons for ghosting her were:

1. When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, she told me “get over it. Everyone has problems”.

2. Couldn’t be bothered to return any of my texts/calls, but if I didn’t respond to one of her texts or phone calls immediately, she would become angry.

3. She expected me to listen to her complain about her mother for hours, yet she refused to listen to any of the advice I gave her.

4. Got angry with me because I could not afford to attend her destination wedding.

After the wedding drama, we had less and less contact with each other (we lived in different cities anyways) I know I could have done the “nice” thing and continued trying to keep a friendship with her, but I chose to cut her off completely.

After about 3 months, she noticed my absence and sent me a rage-filled email, telling me what a horrible friend I was, how she never did anything that would cause me to ignore her.

I responded and gave her the reasons why I stopped speaking to her, of course she never replied to my email.

Sometimes I wish I would have handled things better, I do feel bad that I hurt her, but her angry outbursts were so extreme I felt that a confrontation would only make matters worse, so I chose to quietly exit her life.

Ghosting isn’t exclusive to females. And sometimes “ghosting” is just people drifting apart. It is natural and normal. If you choose to stop speaking to someone, it is not a federal crime. You have a right to decide who you let into your life.

[quote] Usually I meet someone at a bar, we talk awhile, exchange numbers, text for awhile and plan to meet when suddenly I realize i am not hearing back. Boom, ghosted.

I wouldn't call that ghosting, since you weren't actually friends with the person; I'd say they just decided not to pursue a friendship for whatever reason (which may have been as benign and impersonal as simply not having the time to cultivate a new friendship).

[quote]Should I say something to him? I wouldn't even know what to say

Given that you sound like an emotionally incontinent freak, Mr. Limerence, I am guessing your former friend is relieved to be rid of you.

R32: That's straight men for you, yet many on Datalounge think straight men are so amazing and never do shady or bitchy type shit! I had a straight male friend similar to this too and who did a similar thing to me.

R76, you made the right call. Keeping constantly angry/rage filled people in your life eats away at you. They're exhausting and their moods have the potential to ruin other, far more pleasant relationships or even spiral into violence. Don't feel badly at for dropping her from your life!

Totally agree, R77.

R73, I've never heard of "limerence" either. According to the linked article, the term was invented by a shrink in 1979 to describe the kind of overwhelming infatuation that I've always called "temporary insanity".

I'm a woman and the only people who have ever ghosted me were three gay men, but this had pretty much nothing to do with their gender and sexual orientation and everything to do with the facts that at the time, I had a preponderance of gay male friends (so who else would be ghosting me?) and we were all in our early 20s and inclined to make high drama out of any situation. One of the guys was the classic person looking for a free shrink who liked to hang out and obsess about a recent ex-boyfriend, then dropped me when he finally began to get over it; another was the recent ex-boyfriend of ghoster #1 (I'd been friends with him since before he met ghoster1), who was closeted and very uptight and private, and I think he felt I'd come to know more of of his business than he could stand through my friendship with his ex.

The third ghoster was a guy who was a casual but very amusing friend. I moved to NYC a few years after meeting him, and shortly after the move, he came to the city on vacation. We met up for dinner with his travel companions, whom I knew slightly, and an outrageous meth-head rent-boy friend of mine whom the ghoster and co knew slightly. Speed Queen pal behaved poorly, as he was often wont to do. Visiting friend and I were supposed to meet again the next day but he didn't show and I never again heard from him. I'm sure he was freaked out and appalled by Speed Queen (and baffled as to why I'd subject others to such a person) and frankly, I don't blame him! If we'd still lived in the same city when the ghosting happened, I probably would have been more upset about it and more interested in trying to make contact and mend the friendship, but since we could no longer see each other very often anyway, I just let it go.

I was ghosted by a friend who was so close she was in my wedding. By the time the final pictures came back she had ghosted me. Video shows her having a great time st the wedding and I got a beautiful handwritten card. We talked a few times afterwards and then never again. My heart literally hurts thinking about it. She ended up marrying a man whose sexual harassment at work made the papers , but I am too sad to feel anything about that

R73, I did ask my once very close friend, who toward the end of our relationship seemed vaguely hostile and also as if he was having some sort of crisis that he implicated me in, but nothing had actually occurred that explained it. Eventually I got the feeling he was limerent toward me. I am and have always been in a happy long-term relationship with another man and it was discussed at the beginning that our relationship could never be other than friends, which I thought until that happened was A-OK with him. I was heartbroken when he ghosted me and wasted a lot of time wondering what I’d done, all of which could have been avoided if he’d even just said he didn’t want to be friends. I cannot imagine doing it to him or anyone else. It seems kind of cruel.

I hope that "limerent" isn't going to become a DL "thing", unless it's meant to be funny, like "pron" and "WHET". I first heard of the word 5 minutes ago on this thread and I already hate it.

R86: I used it, but totally agree it’s obnoxious! :)

It reminds me of "flatulent" and other unpleasant body-related terms.

R61, that’s part of your answer. Philadelphia is a city full of natives, where most residents grew up here. They have established circles of friends and family already. It’s also, in my experience, a city where people tend to look inward, to their lifelong friends, families, church or workplace for company. Also, Northeasterners tend to be rather reserved compared to people in other parts of the country. If you’re from the South or West, you might be confusing polite conversation with a genuine desire to establish a friendship.

I think it's harder to start up new friendships in old, established cities like Philly and Boston compared to cities where people are always coming and going, like DC or one of the newer sunbelt cities.

R48, there’s no “these days” about it. The situation you describe has always existed. It was just easier to withdraw from a friendship when contact was less frequent and required more effort. Also, there’s no such thing as a “gradual cut and run.” You either withdraw gradually – never initiating contact, responding less regularly and in less detail to your erstwhile friend’s efforts at contact until they get the message, or you cut everything off suddenly. The latter is what I think of as ghosting. The former is just drifting apart … with you doing the drifting, so to speak.

I don't think women or gay men are more prone to ghosting. I do think women and some gay men have more friends than typical straight men, especially among those over 30. More friends = more opportunity to ghost.

I think we need to clarify what ghosting is - it is cutting off contact and refusing to respond. Sometimes the ghoster blocks any possible contact, so the ex-friend or ex-lover cannot communicate.

It is not the same as gradually withdrawing from a relationship, with or without gaslighting (saying 'oh, I've just been busy,' when someone has made a decision to exit the relationship.)

If it is VERY clear why someone wants to exit, then no explanation for ghosting is necessary. But if a former friend asks for clarification, I think it is cowardly and immature to ignore that request. And gaslighting is just low.

'Limerence' was new to me but with uncanny timing precisely describes a situation I'm in. Which also includes what seems to be end-stage mutual ghosting.

Don't know if it's the sound of the word or what it represents which annoys posters here, but I'm glad to know it now. DL is always a mine of information.

Then be like me, r18. I have no friends. Last friendship was in college and I haven't spoken to him since graduation (no ghosting, we just drifted). It's all by choice. I get irritated when colleagues at work try to invite me out for drinks, or to dinner parties or their weddings and baptisms, which I want no part of, mainly because of the effort it will take to weasel out of the invite or the lies and excuses I have to come up with to avoid going. But they never take the hint and keep coming. When I'm alone with especially women, they always pile on their friendship drama on me whining about how so and so has wronged them. Urgh!

I ghosted a HS friend of 25 years when she didn’t let the relationship just taper off. Our relationship had always been largely based on a mutual enjoyment of partying / bar-hopping. Other than that, we didn’t have a tremendous amount in common, but enjoyed our drunken convos. We were definitely good friends, though, and had a group of mutual friends. Over the years I advanced in my career, bought and sold several properties, moved out of state, had kids, a partner - an adult progression. She wasn’t career-oriented, and only wanted to get married, have kids. I got tired of pointing out that her goal might not be reasonable in 2005, especially since she was already pushing 40. Also that living at home with her parents might turn off prospective partners. And that her smoking was limiting her pool of potential suitors. She was unwilling to go outside her comfort zone to improve her circumstances. She wouldn’t even consider joining a gym to meet guys (she had a great figure), because she “hated exercise.” To be fair, she wasn’t gifted with a lot of native intelligence, but there was no good reason for her to be as limited as she was. Ultimately I got too fed up. It wasn’t that she was a marginally employed mid-30s chain smoker living with her parents, it was that she didn’t acknowledge that her circumstances were holding her back and that some of it was in her control. This was before social media was used by everyone. I felt like I was watching a train wreck in slow motion and wanted no part of it. So I ghosted her. Not long afterwards she met some guy, got married, and had a kid right under the wire. I saw all three at an event once, but she was clearly PISSED (understandable). Kid is adorable, husband is no prize, but seems OK. I am legit happy for her, but pretty sure she hates me. I don’t regret the end of the friendship, but regret causing her pain. I’d like to think my cruelty jolted her out of complacency, but that’s bullshit.

Women continue doing high school drama stuff well into adulthood.

With how most people just live on social media, it's super easy to cut off lines of communication with another since no one you know, hangs out in person anymore.

Isn’t ghosting what serial killers have been doing for ever?

I had a friend who I was close to since kindergarten. We became closer through the years spending a lot of time together in high school and when he came home from college for weekends spent a lot of time catching up. We went on vacation together and ended up being roommates in a small apartment and being so comfortable with each other sharing the same bedroom. He ended up marrying a girl from High School who I became good friends with and I was an usher at their wedding. After a number of years he had an affair with another woman, divorced my friend and ghosted me. I tried calling him a number of times and he never responded. Though he used his former wife as a therapist because his second wife was a major bitch and the first wife still loved him.

Years later I called him when his mother died to give him my condolences and he picked up the phone clearly knowing it was me. We started talking as if the friendship had never ended the conversation freely flowing and taking great pleasure in communicating again and having one of our marathon conversations.

Then he ghosted me again and I felt terrible. It did a big number on my self esteem and it was a heavy burden. I had to live with not knowing the reason why except during that final talk he said without me asking about the end of our friendship we had grown apart. It also happened around the time his father died and left him a fortune. He was a miserly man so they lived a lower middle class lifestyle. No traveling or going out to restaurants. And their clothes were very shiny.

The money was a lot, he built a mansion in CT and took up horse riding as a hobby.

A few years later he died suddenly of a fatal heart attack at a fairly young age and the burden of his abandonment of me was lifted and I felt no more hurt. I felt fortunate. Though I was shocked I felt relief.

I should add a postscript. I had become close friends with the first wife in fact she was the only woman I had sex with. This was before their marriage and probably during one of their usual fights. We became very close and to this day she is probably my best friend. We talk about him occassionally because he was a very interesting charismatic fellow.

All my friends from college and high school(well all but 2) ghosted me

I have friends that only communicate by SM. One has stood me up twice. My suspicion is that he’s gotten fat and is embarrassed, but it really bothers me because I’m not that shallow and we have so much in common. We have been friends for twenty years, although most of those years he lived far away. Then, since coming back home he won’t be seen in the flesh.

R74 That's kind of what I was thinking, which is why I didn't say anything. If he asks, I'll be honest. But as R79 said, he may very well be relieved to be rid of me. I just hope he doesn't feel hurt or betrayed in any way because of my behavior.

R78 it is ghosting though. Textbook definition. They totally have the right to not have time or desirevto pursue a friendship, that's fine, why ghost about it? They asked for my number, it's not like I found it and started unwelcomely texting them. We were talking, it's not like I had no reason to believe we weren't in communication. If you realize you don't have time or interest now, say so. You don't create the expectation of plans or even let the possibility dangle and then refuse to confirm or ever respond. I see it as part of common courtesy. I know it often is tough to be honest, but seeing as you've already intended to never see me again, I don't see why you should be so concerned. It might be a tad awkward, but far less than running into me at a bar a year later (as happened Friday) and ducking away sheepishly when I notice you. That's what I don't get, just because we aren't friends doesn't mean you have the right to lead someone on to a certain point and then ghost without a word, leaving the other person to still assume you are making plans for days to come before realizing this isn't just a matter of missing a message or forgetting to respond (which happens to everyone). People have acted like I should be assuming every time I don't hear back even once, I should assume I've been ghosted, which is absolutely crazy because I don't think I'd have any friends left if every time I forgot to reply they immediately dropped me as a ghost. However naturally if I've responded one or two more times, usually over the period of a week, and never hear back, it's safe to say I've been ghosted- but that's a ridiculous inconvenience and there should be no excuse for it in routine social interaction.

R100, that is a very moving story, almost like a movie. Did the ex-wife know why your friend abandoned you?

R92, gaslighting is by definition deliberate and malicious in intent; it's not just any random form of deception. (If you haven't seen the movie the term is derived from, you might give it a watch sometime. It's good.)

When people shy away from directly and honestly answering the question "why don't you return my calls", they're not trying to hurt you or make you think you're crazy or imagining things. They're trying not to cause embarrassment for themselves; they also imagine that they're trying NOT to hurt you. So, not gaslighting, if the word is to have any useful meaning. If they say, "what are you talking about? I call you all the time. Don't you remember we just talked last week?" when, in fact, you haven't spoken in months ... that's gaslighting.

>>When people shy away from directly and honestly answering the question "why don't you return my calls", they're not trying to hurt you or make you think you're crazy or imagining things. They're trying not to cause embarrassment for themselves; they also imagine that they're trying NOT to hurt you.

So, if not gaslighting, what is that then? They are being deceptive, isn't that gaslighting?

As the poster you quoted indicated, gaslighting is about trying to make people think they're crazy or imagining things. People who give a less-than-honest answer to the question of why they haven't returned your calls aren't trying to make you think you're crazy; they just don't want to state outright that they couldn't be bothered to talk to you or spend time with you. When I was younger, this kind of lie was called a"little white lie" and viewed as politer and kinder than telling the brutal truth.

It's still politer and kinder, R108, when directed at people who have the social skills to recognize a hint when they're being given one.

I wonder what the honesty-above-all crowd would actually do when confronted by someone saying, "I already have enough friends, and, frankly, you're not very interesting to me. I have no intention of spending any time with you or talking to you at all after this extremely awkward moment, which you have caused by your persistence. I wish you well, but please leave me alone." I suspect they would be shocked by such rudeness. Twitter meltdowns would ensue.

[quote][R78] it is ghosting though. Textbook definition.

IMO, it's not ghosting if you never had a relationship with the person in the first place. And maybe it's not nice, but it is not unusual AT ALL for someone you've just met to do the "we should hang out some time!" thing and then fail to follow through. It's not that they've decided they don't like you or want to hurt you, and in the moment, they probably meant it when they suggested getting together. But people get busy and pressed for time, and if they don't already know and love you, then spending time with you and even taking the time to return your messages becomes a low priority. Yeah, it sucks when you're the new kid in town and trying to make new friends, but it happens all the time and generally isn't malicious.

And honestly, you need to get over yourself with the making rules about what near-strangers do and don't have the "right" to do as regards to making plans with you. They don't have the right to punch you or burn down your house. But ignoring your messages? It's rude, but of course they have the right. You might want to consider whether you're turning off some potential new friends by giving off the vibe that you're a pain in the ass.

[quote ]It's still politer and kinder, [R108], when directed at people who have the social skills to recognize a hint when they're being given one.

Totally agree, r110. Some DL posters come across like they just landed here from another planet and have no clue about ordinary social customs. I suspect what they really want is to force soon-to-be-former friends into a choice between brutal honesty or staying friends, in the hopes that telling the truth would be so awkward that the other person will just cave and maintain the friendship.

I confronted a friend of just 2/3 years (whom I had visited while he was temporarily living in Poland) about his ghosting. In response, he sent me a PDF file (!) listing his various issues with me. Other than an accusation of being anti-American and anti-Israel, all his gripes were related to things I had failed to do FOR HIM. He also basically confessed he had befriended me because he wanted to change careers and felt I might be of use to him. Being so upfront about that and the whole PDF thing, I wondered afterwards if he might be suffering from a touch of the Asp.

Well, OP, what did you decide to do?

Bravo, R66.

R109, it's sad that the only ways you can think of to end a relationship with a former friend is to either ghost or be rude.

Why don't people do the same thing they do with romantic relationships when they want to end them. Make yourself the asshole in the situation and do the whole "It's not you..." thing that we all know is bullshit but have seemingly collectively agreed to buy into en masse as an acceptable way to end a relationship.

Well, in fairness, you did ask (“confronted”) for an explanation, R112 .

R114, it's attitudes like that which is why people "ghost" other people, as does the attitude of people like R10 and R42. I have done the patient, deep-breathing-to-stay-calm conversations, saying "you can't keep treating me like this or we can't be friends/together". I've sent the email and had that phone call with two people – one "friend" and one ex-boyfriend – who, when I did say, I told you, I'm done and then finally stopped talking to them kept trying to keep it going, to "get me back". It's their pathology - needy, childish, and manipulative people who love to make you the enemy and keep you in their drama. To both of those people the only way I could stop the phone calls and emails – trying to start up the drama again, some deliberately baiting me - was to not answer. I don't regret it one bit. I realized how calm I was as a person after I stopped playing their game and have a great life - married for over a decade – that I know both of them know about. We've all moved on.

Like many terms, "ghosting" has gotten out of hand. Few people just ""disappear" and act as if their phones don't work etc. In most cases the person who claims to have been ghosted has had all the signs and ignored them that things aren't working and people drift apart. The ex of mine I mentioned above loved to say "you're dead to me" as a joke for people who did something he didn't like. And he acted as if they were, usually after some big fight. There's the psychosis. Sane people recognize that people drift apart all the time and lose touch. They don't make drama out of it.

And R66 is dead wrong. People were "lost" to tribes and cultures throughout history and have disappeared for ages. People left villages, immigrated, built new identities, etc. They had enough and moved on. Everyone in the world is not dependent on a tribe. You'd be surprised how strong and independent some people are. Only people who like to make drama out of it call it ghosting.

I've been ghosted by the same person twice. We first met at work and she asked me to hang out for drinks. At first I said no because I was really shy but she asked again a few months later and I agreed because we got along so well at work. We became real close. We started texting and seeing each other ever day. I started staying at her house every weekend and we started sharing a bed. She said she was straight but we would get drunk together and she would straddle me in bed, tell me she loved me and that she was jealous of this other girl from work that would text me. I chalked up to her being drunk because I didn't think someone as pretty as she was could be interested in me. She moved out of state for work and we would FaceTime every day and tell each other we loved each other. She stopped talking to me.

We connected again two years later through a facebook message. She hated her new job and the state she was living in. We started talking to each other every day and facetiming at night. When she got drunk she would text me comments about how hot the actress was in this show we were watching and the actress had great boobs. She moved back to my state and we fell into the same routine except this time I was more hesitant around her. She would invite me to stay over and I would decline because I still had feelings for her. She acted like she never ghosted me. The only time we talked about it was when we both got drunk and she told me that when I told her I loved her it was too much for her at the time because she was stressed with her job.I told her I was talking to a new girl and she found a guy at the bar and basically spent the rest of the night with him. A few weeks later she ghosted me again. I sent her a message asking why and she saw it but never replied. It sucks but what can you do?

R116, it's not ghosting if you provided ample explanations and forewarnings about not only what behaviors you found unacceptable but what the consequences would be. Those people were not left not having any clue what happened. They were fully informed. Again, that's not ghosting.

I've ghosted. And I've watched those friends immediately go for the lowest hanging fruit by sending defensive GROUP TEXTS about my withdrawal. Speaks volumes about the now-ghosted texter...

r117, do you really need to ask why that friend ghosted you? It's obvious that she has issues with her sexual orientation and can't deal with her attraction to you.

TL:DR

From all my experience ghosting is a naturally male behavior Women are the ones who usually can't let go.

of course there are exceptions. But men seem to move on easier in all aspects of their lives. While it may seem heartless in some instances, It actually can be a healthier trait which lets you get more accomplish more rather than dwelling in the past.

[quote]And [R66] is dead wrong. People were "lost" to tribes and cultures throughout history and have disappeared for ages. People left villages, immigrated, built new identities, etc. They had enough and moved on. Everyone in the world is not dependent on a tribe. You'd be surprised how strong and independent some people are.

I was not talking about people go were "lost." Is that really so confusing? You don't need an anthropology degree to understand that people couldn't survive alone for tens of thousands of years. You couldn't "ghost" people or you'd basically be dead.

[quote]Only people who like to make drama out of it call it ghosting.

Also wrong. The label simply fits the behavior.

[quote] I was not talking about people go were "lost." Is that really so confusing?

Nobody was talking about people who literally got lost. As the poster you quoted clearly explained right in the quoted text, he was talking about people who " left villages, immigrated, built new identities, etc. " Which people did do, and survived. And in any case, we no longer live in tribes and clans, and "well, cavemen couldn't ghost each other, so ghosting is not normal," is not much of an argument.

Thank you R123. I was amplifying a bit as you saved me there and will continue

R122, you're arguing on wild tangents about my response. You're making an extreme claim that people couldn't survive alone (they did). And I have no idea what you mean by tens of thousands of years. Ten thousand years ago would put us back at 8000 B.C. Who knows what people did back then? But in the last several hundred years, there are plenty of tales of people disappearing for years at a time – walking away from their lives – then showing up in other towns.

And as R123 seems to get, I never said they lived alone. They chose to escape a life that was suffocating them. We can trace my relatives back to the 1600s in Sweden. And many villages all have stories of people not getting along in communities where conformity was essential. It was common even earlier in the Viking era. And over a million went to America in a short period of time, Many did not tell the people they knew they were going or the church, or so on. We know they did because Swedish scholars went to the US to find out why so many left and they found them, or their relatives returned looking for their Swedish relatives. They disappeared and were hard to track down hundreds of years ago. It was accepted that some people just left.

r118, you're also missing the point.

Ghosting grew out of situations where people dated for a few weeks and then one of them just stopped responding to texts and phone calls. The victims called this "ghosting" because they didn't really know who the person or how to reach them except on the net or by texts. So when these people stopped answering calls or texts, it was descrbed as OOOHH! it's like they're a ghooooost. Did they exist? Are they dead? The reality was they weren't ghosts, they were not into relationships, or they were players, call it what you want, but not ghosts. As a gay man who grew up in the 90s, I dated a lot, had a lot of sex, and guys I dated from time to time stopped calling etc. and I wondered what happened. I did it too. But we all knew what was going on. Women have the same stories about guys just stopping calling without explanation. No one called that ghosting 10-20 years ago but that's what people are calling ghosting on this thread and it's what people all over the world are now calling people who won't give them the breakup they want.

In fact, I was accused of a form of ghosting by the ex-friend I mentioned, with him saying acting as if I disappeared or dead. He knew where I lived and how to reach me. He fortunately didn't stalk me, as far as I know. Yes, you're right, I had told them I couldn't talk to them. My former friend still accused me of playing dead.

My point is a lot of what people call ghosting is what happened to me and what is being described here on this very thread – that is, the person who ended their relationship just stopped calling or responding – or refused to play the bad guy in the relationship so the "hurt party" won't feel bad. I'm willing to bet in many of those situations there were plenty of signs that they "relationship" was ending or conversations that made clear it was not working out and the the people who were "ghosted" were not hearing what was being said.

But if those people know where a persons and have the decency not to stalk them, blocking you on instagram or not answering your calls it's not "ghosting". They're not ghosts. It's just that the person has had enough and is saying it non-verbally. Happens all the time.

R124, Considering where I went to college and who my anthropology teacher & advisor was... I can't respond to your embarrassment of posts. And why should I sit here and waste my time educating some belligerent idiot who seems to revel in his own ignorance? "How do we know what people did back then?" Jesus fucking Christ, it's been a scientific field for centuries. Read some books. Then I will reply to you. Thanks.

Noble Savages: My Life Among Two Dangerous Tribes -- the Yanomamo and the Anthropologists: by Napoleon A. Chagnon

Passions Within Reason: The Strategic Role of the Emotions by Robert H. Frank | Nov 1, 1988

Sociobiology: The New Synthesis, Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Edition by Edward O. Wilson | Mar 4, 2000

Also, we are not talking about the 1600s. The comment was an evolutionary psychology reference, which you have no knowledge of - and should not be replying to. There were 30,000 years of human evolution which led to the beginning of societal formation because hunter gatherers no longer needed to roam after farming was introduced. The fossil record shows this was about 30,000 years ago - albeit different from one area to the next. And some tribes still exist, though Aveda put the Yanomamo to work in what was an astounding embarrassment. And this was after millions years of pre-agrarian tirbal societies. So, certain behaviors (e.g., reciprical altruism) were a key aspect of societal formation, and many have argued that we would have no society without this, among others. "Ghosting" is certainly not going to fit into a society where reciprical altruism is the equivalent of currency (of course there were other resources, but that was an early form of a social resource). This will all go over your head & you'll come back with some asinine retort - so I'm really not interested.

[quote] "well, cavemen couldn't ghost each other, so ghosting is not normal," is not much of an argument.

Who made that argument? Not only are you two ignorant of the evolution of human society, you're really bad at reading. Now, I'll be ghosting both of you.

no, more men can't be bothered. Women want closure and to discuss it.

Nah, men do it all the time, except it has more to do with sex than friendship.

[quote] Who made that argument? Not only are you two ignorant of the evolution of human society, you're really bad at reading.

Dude, I realize that you didn't literally mention cavemen and I don't doubt the accuracy of anything you've posted about early human societies; I just think it's pretty silly to argue that ghosting is abnormal, foreign, and bizarre because humans didn't and couldn't do it many thousands of years ago. Yeah, some social behaviors were developed then that still persist today, but needless to say (I would think), a whole lot of social customs have changed or disappeared since then.

r126 / r127, your education has failed you. Even in your "non-responses" you are still missing the point across the board.

Evolutionary psychology - which is a THEORY, you moron, that you are vastly oversimplifying it. The "reciprocal altruism" as a social theory of how societies form and how people generally get along without killing each other does not explain or disprove historical fact that through the ages there are many people who do not behave the way historical records show - they disappear, move on, cut off contacts, and make new lives. Those are facts that are not inconsistent with your theory. HOW? Here's a hint. Even contemporary sociologists and psychologists will tell you that whatever social patterns exist for general social cohesion do not counter that fact that many people do things counter to social norms.

You anthropology professor, together indeed the books you claim to have read or your entire education, have failed to teach you the dangers from generalizing for a theory to dismiss facts that do not fit it. Read your own posts at R126 to R127 – as you bitchily dismiss my claims about how do we know for certain what people did tens of thousands of years ago and your sole answer is a theory based extrapolated through psychology theories no less from fossil records.

And P.S. "Ghosting" or its equivalent does not exist in historical records because they only TRUE ghosting has to do with people "disappearing" that you never really knew except through the phone or on the net. It's a modern phenomenon, dumbass.

If you don't see the stupidity in your own argumentation, I suggest education is beyond you. And psychology as both an alleged science and theory is the weakest basis for your any claim to actual KNOWLEDGE of what happened tens of thousands of years ago.

It used to be called being dumped either by a friend, lover, acquaintance and people rarely explained. Why is there any reason too? For whatever reason that person has lost interest in you. This has been going on forever. And yeah it is horrible and stings terribly but what can you do? You can ask and they may or may not respond but they don't have to. You may feel you have a right to an explanation but if they don't give you one what can you do?

Dorothy Parker wrote some heartbreaking short stories about being ghosted. Back in the 1940’s.

[quote]Ghosting grew out of situations where people dated for a few weeks and then one of them just stopped responding to texts and phone calls. The victims called this "ghosting" because they didn't really know who the person or how to reach them except on the net or by texts. So when these people stopped answering calls or texts, it was descrbed as OOOHH! it's like they're a ghooooost. Did they exist? Are they dead? The reality was they weren't ghosts, they were not into relationships, or they were players, call it what you want, but not ghosts.

Idiot, that's not why it's called ghosting. It's called ghosting because the person disappears. They become invisible, you know, like a ghost. And, ghosting requires the formation of a relationship. If you just fuck someone and never call them again, that's not ghosting. If you dated for four months and then disappeared without a word, that's ghosting.

[quote] If you just fuck someone and never call them again, that's not ghosting.

Yea, you're just being anal about this. That can be called ghosting as well.

I ghosted a friend I'd had from junior high till my early twenties. Thing was, as time went by I became increasingly aware that we had almost nothing in common. Frankly, we hung out with each other when we had nothing else to do, or no one else to do it with.

The last straw was when a close friend of mine since childhood drowned, unfortunately the week of this girl's birthday. I found out she was going around telling people that my friend had "bit the big one", which was remarkably callous. Plus, she pitched a fit because I had planned to to take her to an amusement park for her birthday, but canceled, explaining the death and funeral was just too much at that time for me. She was so nasty about it, I got angry. I took her to the amusement park a couple weeks later - then I ghosted her. She later contacted a couple of my siblings, asking what was going on with me, but they shrugged, and so did I.

Most gay men eventually Ghost their fag-hags for some reason. I think they just get annoying in the end.

And fag hags ghost their gay bestie when they get a boyfriend or husband.

bump

Ghosting isn't mostly a female thing, it's a human thing.

Sometimes people drift apart, sometimes people bring out the worst in each other, sometimes there's not enough of a connection to even warrant a farewell discussion, sometimes people are just too lazy / thoughtless to call or text or e-mail.

There's also breadcrumbing. That's when a person maintains the most minimal of communication. A text here or there, maybe a brief e-mail, but never a full conversation or dialogue or a face-to-face. Breadcrumbers will text a Christmas meme or a Thanksgiving greeting, but you won't receive a response if you call or text them back.

Being ghosted is probably a blessing in disguise, as it seems to come a troubled mind.

No, it's not a female thing. People don't like confrontation. At the same time, there is usually no need to have a dramatic end of the friendship conversation with a Festivus listing of grievances.

Ghosting is acceptable if you know the other person will have an extremely negative reaction, argue, or try to convince you that it's all in your head and you're being unreasonable.

[quote]a few ghosters claiming that the ghostees just couldn't take a hint and that it rarely comes from out of the blue.

Not this. There is a huge difference between your having tried to discuss problems with the friendship with another person and simply assuming they can read your mind to know that they've done something to upset you. The "hint" they're giving is to do petty stuff like make plans and cancel at the last minute, being evasive about getting together, or taking a long time to respond to emails, texts, or voicemails - some people are busy (and assume you are too), so don't spend tortured nights sleeplessly waiting for replies and ticking away the minutes.

When it's a mutual lack of trying to stay in contact, I wouldn't call it ghosting.

I would say most ghosting is because of some reason, obviously. It's the part of not knowing why that burns people.

[quote]You just don't want to communicate with a person. Nothing immature about it. Would you rather have a person say to you I don't like you for whatever reason or I find you boring?

If they were a close friend, they would hurt me anyway by ghosting, so might as well tell me the truth. It might be something I can learn from and possibly change. If not, at least I'd feel like they cared enough to end the relationship respectfully.

However, inability to tell others the truth or set boundaries are red flags, so I am probably better off without that ghoster, anyway.

[quote]So [R10] has ghosted me. Ha!

If r10 told you, then it wasn't ghosting.

I recently semi-ghosted a person I was friendly with.

We have a mutual acquaintance who my friend professed to hate.

I became mildly annoyed with mutual acquaintance in an unrelated matter and confided this to friend.

Well, friend proceeded to run directly to mutual acquaintance and tell her I was bad-mouthing her. True, it’s my fault for participating in ANY gossip. But I don’t have time in my life for middle school style bullshit. I can’t quite believe adults act this way. But, believe me, I will nip that shit in the bud.

[quote]—Casper

LOL - the signature got me wondering.

In ghosting, is the person who vanishes (like a specter without a trace) the ghost or the other person who may as well be dead to you the ghost?

The past few months I’ve come to realize most of my relationships with friends from the past (and some from the present) are very one-sided. Essentially I see how much of our relationship is based on me keeping in contact, etc. A few years ago I had a good friend skip town without even saying goodbye. I’m also going through the whole “now that I have a gf I don’t need a friend anymore” thing.

I’m too old for this bullshit and am disciplining myself to no longer be the one to keep things going. A lot of friends are going to be ghosted and will be slowly be deleting folks from Facebook. I’m sick of only being important when people need something, are drunk, bored, lonely, horny, suddenly single, want to use my work discount, etc Being a good person or friend just makes you a doormat. I already picked one out to match this post!

I'm sorry you've had that bad experience, R148.

Every year around New Years, I hear from one or two people I haven't heard from in ages. These are the people I don't respond to. Perhaps in their minds I'm ghosting them, but I will hear from people on New Year's Eve / New Year's Day who haven't responded to invitations, texts or phone calls or contacted me since last New Years. I consider their actions to be breadcrumbing and I'm no longer motivated to reply.

These are the people (former friends, guys I've gone out with twice, former church pals, etc.) that I cut out of my life.

[quote]A lot of friends are going to be ghosted and will be slowly be deleting folks from Facebook.

Why delete them “slowly”? Start the New Year with a clean slate and delete those “friends” all at once today. If they’re as worthless as you say, and do nothing but use you and/or make you initiate contact all the time, then get rid of them now.

If I'm really upset or angry with a friend, rather than confront them, I withdraw til I have calmed down. This means I don't want to write to them, speak to them or see them. It may take days, weeks, months or even a few years. The only other option is to end the r'ship. I imagine others are the same. So if it seems as if someone has ghosted you, don't bombard them with questions or demands for contact. Give them some space. Like when a salesman says he needs an answer right now, I tell them, "The only answer I could give you now would be NO."

Ask Meghan Markle.

My goodness, some of you are so sensitive, and so needy.