I'm thinking of ghosting two narcissistic friends.

Yup. If they're exhausting, they're not your friends. Friends should lift you up and leave you feeling good. Life's too short for toxic people.

Don't ever ghost anyone. No matter what. It makes you into the narcissist you are seeing in them. Only your feelings matter. If you don't want to be friends with them, tell them that. Ghosting is for immature assholes.

Yes, do it. I have and you feel great afterwards. If they were nice people that you would feel bad for, you wouldn't be ghosting them anyway. I've tried telling narc people why I'm doing it and they just have a meltdown and make it worse, so don't bother.

I've never ghosted anyone so that's why I'm asking.

Narcissistic asshole exhibit at R3.

Yes, get them out of your life.

[quote]Ghosting is for immature assholes.

Ditto. Makes you just as pathetic. All about YOU not having to feel uncomfortable confronting someone in person or man enough to discuss why you no longer want to be friends with them.

Ghost those hoes, OP!

r7, Bullshit. Confronting a narcissist is a losing proposition. They will not learn anything from it and may seek revenge.

You describe your friends as narcissistic and yet you go online and brag about ghosting THEM?

I think the problem lies not with your friends but totally with you.

Do your "friends" a great big favor and get out of their lives, I'm sure they will be relieved.

Talking about Frank and Brad?

Sometimes you have to ghost people. I guess a text giving some explanation would be better, more adult, but there is nothing wrong with minimizing engagement on the subject and then making your escape.

Confronting a narcissist, especially if you’re dropping them out of your life is not a good idea. Just stop having contact with (ghost) them. Otherwise, you may end up in a shit storm.

You can judge people by the people they surround themselves with. There's a reason OP has narcissists as friends in the first place.

They both said the exact same thing about you, OP.

I would ghost them and give a truthful answer if or when they contacted you to ask why. it might be a wakeup call for them that they are alienating people.

Do people actually sit down and have some sort of "I'm breaking up with you and here's why" with friends?

Seems pretty drama queenie to me. Some friends are for life but not that many. Most come and go during various periods of one's life. It doesn't require a break up.

R17, I'm more likely to wean off contact with difficult friends. I answer calls or emails more slowly, like their social media less, am usually busy when they invite me out. People either usually get the hint or start focusing more on people that interact with them more.

RUN! And don't look back!

Here is why I think ghosting someone is a good idea, especially when he's a narcissist:

When you confront your friend and break up with him he will go "You dump me? No! I dump you! You are a terrible friend, because ..." and make it all how it's all your fault and you can't measure up.

I don't need that extra drama and I don't want to give them the final opportunity to make me feel shitty and them feel better about themselves.

I just drift apart with some "Too busy at the moment" when pressed.

Ghost them, don't tell them why. You don't want to open up a can of worms by telling these people their faults then announcing you don't want them in your life anymore. It's not gutless, it's self protecting. Some people have a huge propensity for revenge, by ghosting them you've actually done nothing wrong. Just quietly withdraw, that way if you're even in a position where you have to interact with them again there's no ill feeling. Passive aggressive, yes, but you come out on top.

I have to say, being phased out is not a good thing. A former friend did that to me, making lots of excuses as to why we couldn't get together. It took awhile for me to realise she wanted to end the r'ship, and when I did, I felt humiliated and angry.

Don't feed a narcissist drama.

Gradually get the hell out of there quietly.

Ghosting = Millennial version of I cant handle adult relationships.

All you bitches saying its safer, or easier or whatever to ghost sure have some incredible theories of all the things that could go wrong speaking to someone like an adult.

You know its wrong. You shouldnt make a person guess why you dont like them anymore. It's no different than if your boyfriend suddenly stopped talking to you, giving you the cold shoulder but would not say why and held a grudge. Its childish. Grow the F up and stop making excuses.

Part of the problem with ghosting (like someone mentioned above) is that it really is much more abrasive than what it seems on its face. Ending all communication with a narcissist (especially someone with whom you have a closer relationship) is, to them, a major slight which can lead to major damage to you socially, but also professionally. In my experience, assuming they really are a narcissist, you really make a big mistake in just abruptly ending things. You really do have to do wean them out of your life, and that can take a long time. But it really doesn't have to be a negative process. For me, my home and professional life is "busy" enough to get myself out of most situations with problem friends. I have aging parents so I use them as an excuse very often. But at some point, assuming you're ending a close relationship, you're going to have to indulge the friendship some, not a lot, but just enough to let them think you want them in your life, but never enough to allow them back into your life fully. But allowing them in your life in some capacity isn't always a bad thing. In my situation, my narcissistic friend is one from my grade school days, we've had lots of happy years filled with great moments. To truly jettison her completely from my life would be really heart-breaking. But I've also come to understand that I really can't have her in my life as a constant because her presence always causes some problem for me; sometimes the problem is small, but it can also be major. My solution is to see her every few months, and just deal with whatever disaster she causes (last time she threw up on my couch costing me hundreds in cleaning). It sucks, but whatever.

r24, bullshit. I angrily ended a "friendship" with a narcissistic co-worker. He started breaking into my house after that.

When someone is emotionally or mentally unhealthy, ghosting is the way to go.

No one said to "angrily" end the friendship R26. I said end it like a grown up adult.

You sound just as much a person with a screw lose as the one you claim is a narcissist.

Yeah, R24, I'm gonna have to go with R26 on that point. I've never seen anything quite as bad as an insulted narcissist breaking into the insulter's home, but I've certainly witnessed some nasty behavior that, at least for me, has made me tread very very carefully around such people. Just to give an example, my friend (referenced in R25) has spread a lot of really nasty information about her past "ghosters." I wont go into much detail, but a lot of what she said was downright horrible, and even caused professional and family problems for some of her past friends. While not all narcissists will behave in such dreadful ways (especially if you do wield some power over them), it can often get very ugly. One would like to think that people would be above such petty nonsense. Sadly, I've witnessed quite the opposite. I agree that ghosting isn't a particularly useful tool in handling the situation, but I also wouldn't acknowledge that I'm ending the relationship to a narcissist in whatever manner.

Is it really so hard to say to someone 'This just isn't working for me anymore. Thank you for the time we spent, but I want to go our separate ways'?

Perhaps you need to develop better people reading skills in the first place so you don't have these kind of people in your life, ever. When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time. Be very choosy who you let in your life, get to know someone before letting them in. Listen to the things they say about themselves and other people, gage their personality and their relationships with other people. Surely being very selective in who you let in your life is far easier than having to ghost them or tell them the friendship's over. People rarely change, and narcissists and sociopaths always give themselves away. As a general rule, never make friendships in the workplace.

No, it isn't hard to say that, R29. It's what comes after that is a problem. Or do you really think anybody, especially a narcissist, is going to simply reply "I understand. Have a good life"?

Of course they won't. They'll want to know why, they'll then want to argue that they didn't do the things you cite (narcissists love to gaslight), and they'll start flinging accusations at you. Now it's a shitstorm. Who needs it?

You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you no longer want to be their friend, and it won't be well-received anyway. Best to just ease yourself away.

This is chick shit.

If you're not fucking him regularly, you don't have to explain why you're not hanging out anymore, you're just not hanging out anymore. Casual friendships are casual for a reason.

I don't know, R31. I wrote above that I was humiliated and angry after a former friend eased me out. I felt she made a fool out of me, because I tried half a dozen times to get together before I realised it was never going to happen. Clearly she didn't feel up to telling me to my face, but I must say, I pretty much hate her now.

Maybe try ignoring them when they contact you. Much less traumatic than ghosting.

R33 I don't think anyone is really arguing that ghosting is kind or a gentle way of doing it. It definitely is a humiliating experience, one that I've experienced a few times already. The problem we're discussing is ending things with a narcissist. I'd hazard a guess that you aren't one due to the gentler, more wounded tone in your responses (unless you libeled that bitch across the city).

R33 I don't think anyone is really arguing that ghosting is kind or a gentle way of doing it. It definitely is a humiliating experience, one that I've experienced a few times already. The problem we're discussing is ending things with a narcissist. I'd hazard a guess that you aren't one due to the gentler, more wounded tone in your responses (unless you libeled that bitch across the city).

Oops, no idea why that posted twice, although the video certainly warrants two viewings.

R30 I love your comment and agree with its general tone. But one of the narcissist characteristics is that they well-hone their skills of hiding their true selves quite well, to the point where a victim, especially one without prior experience with narcissists, can get in too deep. If I'm not mistaken (it's been a while), I believe narcissism is related to antisocial behavioral disorders (what used to be called sociopathy and psychopathy). Unfortunately that class of disorder has a faculty for tricking people. With that said, with anyone new coming into your life, especially post-30 where relationships tend to be fewer and more close, it is best to maintain some sort of distance from anyone until you really feel comfortable.

R22 also R31, I had a very similar situation - loooooong time friend somehow shifted, and I did ask what was going on.

She babbled 3 nonsensical reasons that didn't make sense and finally said 'because you know all my secrets' - wtf?

And out of the blue, too, said she'd been feeling that way for a while. The change was so noticeable I started to worry,

and then felt angry she so easily threw over our friendship of years and years. Two tears in a bucket.

Oh please, half of you justifying ghosting sound like major narcissists to me. If you friend was a real narcissist and not just your excuse to ghosting them, they have a lot more going on than to turn and stalk you or break into your house. They might be mad for 5 minutes, but a real narcissist will be fixated on the next drama before the weeks over. You are yesterdays news in a life full of 50 other dramas.

What did they call "ghosting" before the kids started calling it ghosting?

[quote]What did they call "ghosting" before the kids started calling it ghosting?

RUDE.

Do it slowly. Just keep replying here and there and slowly phase them out. Don't have a confrontation and if they ask why you don't hang out much anymore, say you're busy, let's totally get together in a couple weeks! Then don't get together.

The trick is to make them think it has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Anyone who thinks that you can have a reasonable conversation with a narcissist where you can explain why don't want to see them anymore (as you would a normal person), has clearly never actually HAD to deal with a narcissist before. Explanations are for when you are dealing with normal people, ghosting is for trying to extricate yourself from narcissists.

just shoot them

Lets be honest, the vast majority, probably 90% of people being ghosted are not narcissist. OP and others just looking for excuses and justification.

I would and have, OP. Not for someone's narcissism, but because I discovered a couple "friends" were only pretend friends.

So, do people not break up with narcissist partners? They just run away? Grow some balls, people!

I’m probably in the minority but I don’t mind ghosting or being ghosted. I think it’s tactful. I’ve had people just get up and leave the table where I’m sat with them as functions before without so much as a goodbye and a date climb out the bathroom window (I’m not that bad, they were just nuts), and that felt so much worse. The confrontational “why isn’t this WORKING ANYMORE” argument is utter hell and totally unwarranted for anyone I’m not in a committed dating relationship with yet some people still insist on all that mess. Life’s too short to just constantly make scenes and humiliate other people.

If someone wants to quietly fade away from my life then that’s fine and well, no judgement or hard feelings from me (and I expect the same courtesy from others). If you’re not crossing boundaries (I.e. intimidating, stalking, abusing and gaslighting), causing someone an embarrassing problem or making them late for something with your histrionics then however you end it is all gravy in my eyes.

R49 is wise

[quote] If you don't want to be friends with them, tell them that. Ghosting is for immature assholes.

Nobody wants to hear a speech or have a conversation about why someone dislikes them enough to stop being friends with them. Sometimes ghosting is the easiest option for everyone involved. As someone upthread suggested, if they ask why you haven't been in touch, you can always explain then. If they're really as self-involved as you say, they might barely notice and never even bother to ask.

Ghosting narcissists and drama queens is the best way to go. Don't give them any more ammo or opportunity to attack you any further. of course they don't see themselves as narcissists or drama queens and demand to be treated like mature adults who are drama free who occasionally freak out when they don't get the respect they think they deserve and go on a rampage of destruction.

I think it depends on the duration and depth of the friendship. If it is a recent or casual friendship, then ghosting is fine. You don't owe them anything. But if it is a longstanding or close friendship, they have invested their time and emotions, and ghosting them is a shabby way to treat them. You also have to consider too that if it is a longstanding friendship, and they have always been as they are now, you have enabled it. You can't really blame people for being who they are. That doesn't mean you are obliged to continue, but you do owe them something.

I guess I am pro ghosting, because I was raised in a shit hole town and me and my friends just wanted to get the hell out and forget everything about it and that included our friendships as well to prevent us to be reminded of our shitty childhood.

I've recently told several people that I need to move away from certain aspects of my life to improve it as I go from one period to another. These are mostly positive friends in my life, but I wanted them to know why I'm decreasing our social contact. I don't like to leave certain people wondering what they did or being angry at me for no reason. Others who are negative and not really friends I don't care so much about. Your real friends will understand what is driving you. The others may not even notice that you've vanished, simply because they are completely narcissistic.

[Quote] You describe your friends as narcissistic and yet you go online and brag about ghosting THEM?

It's called a question. Know the difference, hon.

[Quote] I think the problem lies not with your friends but totally with you.

Sure Jan.

My narcissistic friend was decent about half the time-no sense of humor whatsoever-but sometimes kind and generous. But she'd have these periodic meltdowns and say awful things, make wild accusations, all in a very manipulative way. I'd be totally over her and we wouldn't speak for awhile but she'd start calling and texting and being over the top sweet. Never in any way did she ever apologize. Her last meltdown was probably the worst, she made all kinds of accusations and then a week later she's leaving her super sweet messages and asking when we'll get together. I've not responded and have heard she's out for "revenge" now some how. Ghosting (in this case) was the only way.

[quote] did they call "ghosting" before the kids started calling it ghosting?

To blow someone off.

"He blew me off!"

It's like high school never ended for some of you.

Stop spending time with people who no longer interest you or who are causing difficulties in some way. A meeting, an excuse, an explanation, none of these things are required. Adults understand that people on the outskirts of their lives come and go. If it's a very close friend, that's a different story. I've never forcibly ended a close friendship, nor has anyone ended one with me. I can't imagine that conversation.

For these who have been "ghosted" multiple times by their friends (not mere acquaintances), are you toxic? Why do people close to you flee? If you have those "break up" conversations, what do they tell you?

I ghosted a small group of friends. Only one of them was a negative influence in my life, but I couldn't avoid him without avoiding the other two. The guy was obsessed with material things. He constantly talked about how much each of us must be making (in his approximation), whose car costed more, whose house costed more, he compared our jobs… I imagined him sitting at home with a spreadsheet noting everyone's weight in money and possessions (I think he would have loved a peak at our bank accounts). He’d also call after a dinner we’d have at one of the friend’s homes and trash the menu or the behaviour of a friend’s partner. I think it all stemmed from his feelings of envy, although he was generally a nice and generous guy. At some point I had to cut the cord.

why do anything dramatic. When they ask you to do something or invite you somewhere just say no and keep saying no, even tho they are narcissitic they will get the message.

I told a narcissistic and exhausting/boring friend that I just didn't want to hang out any more. Period. She turned it around to be about me getting rid of her because I knew she was moving and that I was really sad. Then had the cheesy balls to liken it to when her Dad distanced himself from his favorite dog, Maxim, because he knew the dog was going to die. I just muttered OFFS and knew I had done the right thing. I've been ghosted by romantic interests and THAT hurt. A lot.

R62 it is so much worse with crushes even when you haven’t known them long. I’ve been cut up when someone I’ve only known 7 weeks and wanted to date stops responding to texts or doesn’t want to go out again, but I don’t much care when a casual but good friend of years slowly drifts away and ceases contact. Am I a dick with no capacity for friendship, or is it chemical?

I’ve ghosted some people that I’ve outgrown. Maybe I was only friends in the first place because of proximity or circumstance. A few of them, just like someone mentioned above, were too focused on material things and I got annoyed and bored. The friendships fizzle and die—no big drama. I think it’s hard to find friends that are true “kindred spirits.” I may be too old to find them now, but I still have a lot of friends from my teens and twenties. Sadly two of my closest friends died young.

Do it, OP. Just be prepared for them to talk trash about you and enact 'revenge', which ALL narcissistic people do. They cannot handle being dumped/phased out/let go. They're LOSERS that way.

However bad the outcome, anything is better than having to deal with their bullshit as a friend/boyfriend, though. Fuck them.

Be careful about burning bridges. You may need them someday.

Just ghost them and don't worry about it. They will understand that they can't use you anymore and move on to someone else.

They will know.

No one wants drama of burning bridges

And r66 is right...someday things might change.

As if anyone will notice

Going no-contact is the only way to leave a narcissist. Period.

Will the tears never cease?

I’ve ghosted two people because they were toxic narcissists who I had told over and over and over the course of many years that they had behaviours that were unacceptable. That I wasn’t going to take their shit and that things had to change. Ghosting was the only way to preserve my sanity and once I was out, I never looked back. They will NEVER badmouth me because they are horrorshow people and if I told anyone half the shit they pulled on me they’d have to move to a remote island. The only regret I feel is not letting go of them sooner.

My first thought about OP's topic was that a narcissist is so focused on himself that he won't even notice that you're not around anymore.

But then I remembered the worst narcissist I've ever known and how he kept score of his "friends" -- he didn't care about them as people, but they were a reflection of his own importance to others and he sure as hell cared about that. We weren't even friends, just co-workers and I'd told him that I despised him so he knew how I felt -- but he continued to call me because he thought that work matters were a good excuse to maintain contact, even after I told him to stop. I finally had to get a lawyer to threaten him with a restraining order, which is pushing the concept of "ghosting" to an extreme conclusion.

But I know from others that he continues to attempt contact with them even after they fail to respond, so he still hasn't learned his lesson.

..........

REBUKE THEM!

[quote]Sometimes ghosting is the easiest option for everyone involved. As someone upthread suggested, if they ask why you haven't been in touch, you can always explain then.

That's not ghosting. Ghosting is just disappearing and never, ever giving the person a reason even if they try to find out what is going on. There is no reason in this day and age to not send a text or email explaining that you need to work some shit out and are disappearing for a while. Of course you might never come back but at least you left like a human and not a giant walking asshole.

I had to cut ties with a friend of many years because I simply had enough of her drama-queen narcissistic partner and my friend was developing the same personality. You can't address it with these two because they just make more drama. It turned into a pandora's box that I couldn't get closed, so I dropped it on the sidewalk and walked away. Initially, I ghosted until my friend reached out to discuss it, but she doesn't acknowledge how toxic the partner is. They play the victim in front of mutual friends so once in a while I still fucking run into people wanting to discuss it, and that's a royal buzzkill. I miss her often, but all of the memories I enjoy were before the toxic partner arrived anyway.

Again, it's not ghosting if you are open to answering her when she reaches out to figure out what is going on. Ghosting is just disappearing like you're dead and leaving the other person with no explanation, ever. It's a dick move, no matter how many excuses people come up with.

An ex friend of 20 years started getting jealous of my career success. He passively aggressively would point out my flaws (yes I’m flawed) and say he was just being honest. He would insult me in front of mutual friends, and it just escalated. I stopped hanging out with him, I stopped calling and returning calls and never confronted him because I was just too angry. I don’t regret it. Yes I missed the opportunity to bring him some wisdom, but that’s his cross to bear. Sometimes you just have to cease communications because they already know on some level that they’re the problem.

[quote]Yes I missed the opportunity to bring him some wisdom, but that’s his cross to bear. Sometimes you just have to cease communications because they already know on some level that they’re the problem.

Do you even hear yourself? Was one of his criticisms uncontrolled arrogance? If so, he was right.

R60, there's no such word as "costed." The word is "cost."

The weirdest thing about the one who ghosted me after 12 years is that he would end every phone conversation with "love you." I've never been the type to do that, and it always struck me as phony. So I wasn't brokenhearted, exactly, when he gave me the ghost.

[quote] We weren't even friends, just co-workers and I'd told him that I despised him so he knew how I felt -- but he continued to call me because he thought that work matters were a good excuse to maintain contact, even after I told him to stop. I finally had to get a lawyer to threaten him with a restraining order, which is pushing the concept of "ghosting" to an extreme conclusion.

That really is nuclear Heat you’ve accrued there, Mr. Russo.

Some people will just bleed you dry of energy. Getting them out of your life is just self-preservation.

If the situation is so bad you're willing to ghost the person, then so be it. It's not our job to educate adults how to be bearable, that was the job of whomever raised them.

Personally, unless it's a romantic relationship, I'd rather be ghosted than to hear someone's grievances, which may or may not have credence.

[quote]if they ask why you haven't been in touch, you can always explain then. If they're really as self-involved as you say, they might barely notice and never even bother to ask.

That's BS because most people who ghost someone, block them completely. They wont be able to call you and ask where you have been. That's kind of the definition of ghosting. To make invisible.

[quote]Personally, unless it's a romantic relationship, I'd rather be ghosted than to hear someone's grievances, which may or may not have credence.

What does romance have to do with it? Either you believe its right or its not. You don't think friends have strong feelings that can get hurt just like someone you are dating?

R87 if you don't know the difference between friends and people in a romantic relationship, I feel VERY sorry for you.

I know the difference R88, but both have feelings and personal attachments. Unless of course you are just a simple whore who has no friends, which I suspect from your comment is true.

R85, you may not choose to hear a former friend's grievances, but wouldn't you want the option of asking them for an explanation? If someone ghosts/blocks you, that option isn't there.

No r90, because we've probably discussed it before, and if they've gotten to the point of wanting to end the friendship, then it's not going to do anything but hurt feelings. I really don't see the point.

R89, I still have friends from elementary school, I'm also married. Happily. Both types of relationships come with feelings, but they do not compare, especially when you have entwined lives, family, and or have kids with the person you're in a relationship with. I'm sorry you don't agree, but do try being an adult and dealing with it.

I don’t like this new word “ghosting”. It used to be called getting rid of toxic cunts by removing them from your life. If they are really narcissistic, there is no better way of getting rid of them than ignoring them completely and moving on.

I think in most cases, ghosting is a form of narcissism.

R93 if you use it to hurt good people yes. But there is no point in feeding a narcissist the narcissistic supply they crave so much. Going no contact with a narcissist is a proven and effective method of dealing with them. To use an example, if everyone would just stop giving Trump the time of day, he would implode. But no, let’s feed him 24/7 and make him even more powerful.

Is the Narc Troll the same as the Welp Troll?

But what about your wedding? You'll need lots of gifts!

Ghosting is for cowards, assholes, and the emotionally immature. If you ghost someone, you are one of those. Simple as that.

How long have you been friends with them? I have an idea you’re probably not the healthiest flower in the pot either.

r97 I truly ghosted one person in my life. It was a guy in college who became infatuated with me/started to assume my habits in a very unsettling way. I was hospitalized for depression; within weeks, he was trying to get admitted to the same ward. It scared me to the point I ghosted him.

But I think about him from time to time (this was over ten years ago) and hope he's doing ok.

R99=Single White Female

r100 it was like the male version for sure. The thing is, I liked him for a hot minute. I had recently come out and was flattered I could attract (slightly) younger attention (he was about two years younger).

But then it got very weird, very fast.

[R25]=grown up

I think it’s OK to ghost and I am OK with being ghosted.

Ghosting is self preservation from further abuse.

If its gotten to the point where this choice is being made, the ghoster has suffered enough and will take no more fucking shit from a toxic wastedump narc, and good for them.

Cluste Bs are rage filled, unstable and violent. Most usually go berserk when rejected. It's not safe to calmly tell them "this isnt working out, sorry"

Lol at all the pouting narcs in this thread so upset at being ghosted. Heres an idea - BE NICE TO PEOPLE and you will never have to deal with it. "Its sooo rude" I guarantee the ghosting is much less rude than the behaviour that got them abandoned. I'm sure these cunts certainly deserved their dessertion.

[quote]"Its sooo rude" I guarantee the ghosting is much less rude than the behaviour that got them abandoned. I'm sure these cunts certainly deserved their dessertion.

Class or manners have nothing to do with who is worse. People with class, grace or manners don't use someone else's behavior to justify their own rude behavior thrown back at them. That's just childish, petty, spiteful and infantile. AKA Donal Trump.

[quote]Ghosting = Millennial version of I cant handle adult relationships.

I have been ghosted twice, both times by Gen Xers. Once in 1991, once in 2015.

[quote]Ghosting is self preservation from further abuse...If its gotten to the point where this choice is being made, the ghoster has suffered enough and will take no more fucking shit from a toxic wastedump narc, and good for them.

While there are admittedly people who are "abusive," why exactly were you ever "friends" with them to begin with if they are so terrible. Your fundamental premise is ridiculous. If they are assholes, why on earth would you remain friends with them for any length of time such that declining invitations is would even be considered "ghosting" them.

[quote]Cluste Bs are rage filled, unstable and violent. Most usually go berserk when rejected. It's not safe to calmly tell them "this isnt working out, sorry"

Anyone who is so inept to say to someone else "this isn't working out, sorry" even in a less offensive manner to a friend is probably as unstable as the person to whom you are saying it.

[quote]I'm sure these cunts certainly deserved their dessertion.

Or perhaps simply use your words, decline invitations, and you know, they'll get the hint. Life doesn't have to be so dramatic.

But, I go back to the singular point of why anyone would continue to be "friends" with someone so terrible and let it go on for so long that your only recourse is to "ghost" someone. If it's a dating situation, you say, "hey, I don't think we're a good match." If it's a friend situation, you're such a good martyr to have suffered in silence for so long and to have put up with so much.

I condole you your self-sacrifice and endurance.

[quote]While there are admittedly people who are "abusive," why exactly were you ever "friends" with them to begin with if they are so terrible. Your fundamental premise is ridiculous. If they are assholes, why on earth would you remain friends with them for any length of time such that declining invitations is would even be considered "ghosting" them.

The person i had to ghost was someone I was thrown together with by circumstance. I would never have chosen them as a friend but they were always there and they began to imagine a close friendship where, on my part, there was none. When I tried to distance myself he went beserk, so I just had to ghost him. I suspect this is the case with a lot of people who result to ghosting someone, although from the tone of your posts you will just insult me for doing so anyway.

[quote]The person i had to ghost was someone I was thrown together with by circumstance. I would never have chosen them as a friend but they were always there and they began to imagine a close friendship where, on my part, there was none. When I tried to distance myself he went beserk, so I just had to ghost him. I suspect this is the case with a lot of people who result to ghosting someone, although from the tone of your posts you will just insult me for doing so anyway.

Well, if you find a candid and objective view of your behavior insulting, okay then.

How exactly were you "thrown together by circumstance" such that you felt the need to actively engage someone. Same circle of friends? So, that means you just HAD to engage this person as if they were close confidants? If you're in a group of people, why would it be necessary to engage so actively.

"When you tried to distance yourself" - what exactly does that mean. That could be anything from being utterly insulting or condescending or genuinely gracious. But again, why did you allow it to go for so long such that it was a problem? YOU let the situation get out of hand and are blaming the other person.

You play the victim of this other person, yet fail to recognize your own culpability in the situation and how your behavior might be hurtful or insulting.

[quote] To use an example, if everyone would just stop giving Trump the time of day, he would implode. But no, let’s feed him 24/7 and make him even more powerful.

Exactly, R94 -- if EVERYONE (all TV networks and newspapers, Queen Elizabeth and every ruler of every country, every entertainer, every celebrity, every athlete, etc., etc.) would just turn their backs when he showed up and refuse to acknowledge his presence, he'd dissolve like the Wicked Witch. I realize it's impossible to pretend that the Pres of the USA doesn't exist, but that's what should happen the instant he's out of office -- shun him like the Amish do with their outcasts. Let him play golf with himself (and carry his own clubs or drive his own stupid little cart). He still wouldn't get the message but at least he'd be miserable for what's left of his worthless life.

Too many things to list.

I thought people might be interested in this NYT article about ending friendships. In the comments, there's stuff about ghosting. Apologize for the cheesy illustration.

R29 I did that, by email, with someone who was reasonable enough, and it was fine. He did write back and mentioned that it seemed like we might have different definitions friendship (and I guess we did) but otherwise was civil.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED

,,,,,,,,,,,

[quote]If you're not fucking him regularly, you don't have to explain why you're not hanging out anymore, you're just not hanging out anymore. Casual friendships are casual for a reason.

And if all you're doing is fucking someone, you really don't need to explain yourself. They'll find something else / someone else to occupy their time.

To gradually wean someone away isn't really ghosting, I always took that to mean you suddenly drop someone. I had a fellow who I was trying to get to know but it finally occurred to me our conversations where me getting talked AT about the. same. damn. topics (namely themselves or who did this to them today, etc.)

I didn't ghost them, I gradually faded out of their lives. It can be freeing.

Exactly. Some people need to be ghosted from your life. If the friendship is or gets to be lopsided, if you're being treated unfairly, ect. The friend I ended up ghosting had become intolerable: SO superior and would subtly and not so subtly let me know that we were NOT equals. And she was a user who'd act out, manipulate shamelessly and insult and embarrass people if she didn't get her way. It felt like I took a 10 pound shit when I finally ghosted her.

Just ease out of the relationship and do a slow fade.

And, what does he do when the slow fade leads to the person asking what's wrong, R119? All of these ways to avoid acting like a grown-up and simply explaining yourself to someone you previously called a friend is just crap to cover up the ghoster's immaturity, lack of social skills, and narcissism.

If they are truly as you say they won't really care. Or even notice.

[quote]There is no reason in this day and age to not send a text or email explaining that you need to work some shit out and are disappearing for a while.

If a person is a true narcissist (that is to say someone with NPD), professional advice invariably recommends cutting off all contact. No explanations, no negotiations, no contact under any circumstances. One not only owes the NPD nothing, further engagement means continuing to participate in their games, which is exactly what they want. Sounds like R76 has never had to deal with an actual narcissist/ sociopath/ psychopath.

[quote]If a person is a true narcissist (that is to say someone with NPD), professional advice invariably recommends cutting off all contact.

And how many "true narcissists" do you suppose there are such that OP knows TWO of them?

NPD and narcissist are thrown around like people throw around most psychological conditions - both are clinical diagnoses, not simply descriptors for poor behavior.

Friends drift apart, it’s natural. Just do it slowly, as others have said — decline invitations, slow to respond to messages, say you’re busy. They’ll give up, probably sooner than later because they are full of themselves and no one else matters.

I’ve had friends like this and don’t miss them at all.

If you were raised by a narcissist (or two), you tend to attract them throughout your life unless you work through it in therapy or otherwise figure out your patterns. So it is conceivable that the OP knows two narcs. Agree that the term gets thrown around a lot. Some folks might not be a narc in clinical terms, but they're close enough to the definition that it's just splitting hairs. If you've ever been entangled with one, you eventually learn that there is no "having a discussion" with them.

I gray rocked mine until they lost interest. But I wonder if I should have instead acted clingy so that they would discard me. Narcs like to discard people once they believe they've "got" them. The clingy method might have been quicker.

r125 "Narcs" means "narcissists" now? How is it pronounced?

And WTF is "gray rocked"?

Shouldn't it be "narce"? For the soft "c"?

And the plural would be "narces." I think I can afford to go all the way with "narcissists."

Well, I always say that a syllable saved is a syllable earned!

R127

OP,

Just walk away if that's what you want to do.

You don't owe them any explanations, especially if it would only put you in a worse situation.

That's all "Ghosting" is. It's not some new Millennial concept.

Narcissists do tend to get nasty when confronted face to face with a break up of any kind.

I once broke off a friendship with a female narcissist who wore me out emotionally.

I tried to do the decent thing and sat down with her and explained we had nothing in common personality wise. I told her it was my fault that I was ending the friendship because we were just too far apart on everything

She immediately demanded examples of our personality differences.

When I gave an example, she demanded to know why that difference was her fault.

I said it wasn't.

This went on for a full hour before I got up and said "Goodbye. I'm sorry."

I just got out the door as she was screaming "Who the hell do you think you are?!"

Bless your heart. As a proud narcissist myself, I can tell you that we don’t give a rat’s ass if you “ghost” us. We can easily find other weak people to prey on.

I know a malignant narcissist who was on mental disability for it. I saw what she did to people who rejected her. Two went to jail for crimes they did not commit. These people will destroy your life if they can. Narcissists are the most vengeful people in the world. DJT is a good example. I would never suggest ghosting a normal person who is mentally stable but professionals who deal with them say run away as fast as you can and ghost them. She is not a friend but sometimes you have to deal with them. I was just reading that the level of malignant narcissism is about 10% of the population.

I know you're correct, R132, and that's scary.

OP, when the opportunity presents itself, tell your narcissist that you are stepping back from a relationship that has grown uncomfortable for you.

No explanation is necessary. Don't get baited into that. If you are not comfortable, you should not be there. That is the explanation. Wish them well. Take your leave.

Yes I would, OP. But I can also tell them they're being narcissistic and let them do what they think is ghosting.

If you think someone might be vengeful, I'd taper off the relationship. I used to work with someone who I realized was just bad news. I never confronted this coworker about behaviors, but I backed away. Sure enough, coworker got fired and sued our company, plus sued a couple of our other coworkers, as individuals. I didn't get sued, ended up being a witness to some of the allegations, but I'm glad things never got antagonistic between us.

R104 and r130 offer the best explanations for why it’s better to make a clean break.

And to all the people arguing endlessly about how rude, awful and how YOU’RE the narcissist for not taking more shit when you’ve hit your limit, thank you for illustrating beautifully why people get ghosted. You’ve all spent how much time trying to convince anonymous strangers on the internet that they have a problem. JFC.

Also agree with the poster who said people who grew up with narcissists attract them. It’s 100% true, and a narcissist can often be entwined in your life for years and one forgives their behavior over and over before their behavior becomes unbearable.