The Three Wills of Sister Aretha

So, it won't be split between her 4 sons.

Where is Miss Warwick to provide insightful commentary? Please appear Miss Warwick!

One gives everything to Jussie Smollett.

One paid off her outstanding bill at Popeye's Chicken.

One was hidden in her chin folds.

Damn. I thought you said one was found in the cooch...

OP should put up the Miss Warwick signal in the headline! Do better next time OP!

And I don't know what's more crazy. The will in the couch or the money under the carpet at Michael Jackson's house that Katherine was looking for.

[quote]Some of the writing is very hard to decipher and the four pages have words scratched out and phrases written in the margins.

No mention of grease and jelly stains?

Um, say what?

She must have been really ill when she attempted to write that will at R9, or there was dementia. I know my mother's writing can be like that.

Fucking bad wireless at that fucking Idaho bingo palace. And by fucking bad wireless I mean the fucking telegraph. So no one will read this but I don't fucking care because I was IN-voked.

Only Dee Mentia, R10, was that deflated fried-chicken sausage of a dying-for-five-years-and-lying-about-it Dee-Va was leaving me out of any of those three wills of the other 43 wills "someone" burned in her BBQ pit out back while the body was cooling. She OWED me.

I understand part of the problem was her not knowing whether to list her oldest as her son or her brother. You know. So complicated, these little legal things.

Poor Diane. One-night gigs coming and I hear the seats aren't filling. Except the ones she sits in.

I love Aretha SO MUCH!!!! IMO, as far as I'm concerned she has not died as we all do, but she has crossed over! She is with us still like a vast, vast spirit in the sky! Yaas, yaas!

[quote] One was in the couch.

Also found was a bag of chips, a bucket of extra crispy, some oreo cookies, ranch dip, and a six pack of root beer.

Oh, OP, by the way, I think you meant to say:

[quote]One was in the cooch.

That thing was like an alligator bag left in the trunk of a mobster's Chrysler Imperial sunk in a bog with the hit body floating alongside it and pulled up after a year. Girl. I mean. Can you?

There was room for a will in that cooch. Right by the other debris, litter, assorted nougat wrappers and a wing bone or two. After all, for 40 years there wasn't any other use for that thing.

Oh. Now I'm going on. Shit-ass downers must be spiked with No-Doz. Big joke.

That cow was broke.

R14: Miss Warwick, did Aretha leave any cash in the couch or the cooch or under the carpet, perhaps? Asking for friends of the family.

[quote] Miss Warwick, did Aretha leave any cash in the couch or the cooch or under the carpet, perhaps? Asking for friends of the family.

I knooooooooow I'll nevah love, this way again...... uh uh uh uh uh .... I KNOW.... I'll NEVAH loooooove this way again.... so I keep....

Bitch, did you say something?

And where in the HELL is mah drink, muthafucka??

Aretha did not eat cheap, garbage food. Aretha would never drink root beer, Oreo cookies or a "bucket of extra krispy." Aretha could COOK, gurl! She burned in the kitchen. And she cooked the tastiest, richest, most delicious soul food yu ever saw. She made Minnie from The Help look like an amateur. That's what kilt her. Fabulous soul food, made with salt pork, smoked ham hocks, butter, and eggs and the richest , best cuts of meat. And do not ever forget. Aretha's fried chicken was incomparable!!!!!

Aretha was known to enjoy fast food. Don't kid yourself R18

Thread title sounds like the title of a 70's cult film about a black nun with multiple personalities.

The next will will be found in a bucket of chicken.

R16, those kids of herses always were such coke hoovers she sniffed their way through the house long before they got that first pair of show-corpse pumps shoe-horned past those blackening corns and up into place.

My understanding is they found nothing.

I think Re's got it hid somewhere off-site. Maybe a treasure map will turn up and we'll all have ourselves a 2020 re-make of It's a Madx4 World. With the Franklins, Jacksons and God knows who else doing a re-ality show tearing through the countryside looking for Diva's Gold.

Fuck. I'm glad I sold my last TV for a bump.

And for the record, for those shit-ass drag queens out there trying em-u-late my wondra here, I do not fan myself on any occasion. DO I look like a white fairy's racist stereotype of an old AME woman sweltering in her pew? I am from Jersey, bitch, and my church is air-conditioned. (I hear.) Damont keeps me cool by blowing air between my gorgeous gams through a vacuum cleaner hose.

Now I am going back to my gigs until I am summoned again. Like I need this shit.

Come through, Miss Warwick!

Shit. Just re-membered.

DO NOT buy any of Re's shoes when they come up for auction. You do know that Jackie Wilson was sniffing around her back in 1984 in Jersey and drank a Champale out of her high heel, and an hour later he was lying on the stage. They called it a massive heart attack but she paid off the coroner. It was toe-main poisoning. I mean, that woman had toadstools and veruccas big enough to have their own names underneath that heel and instep. The toenails under the car paint looked like ancient fucking stalagmites. And the smell! She was always having them slather on goop and spraying them and wearing corn plasters - that environmental disaster killed Jackie Wilson.

And it was Patti who told him Aretha wanted Jackie's jerky. Because, as is well known thanks to her, he tried to "rape" her in the sixties. She says.

It's a dirty sinful world. Shit. Thank the Lord I have always been clean and pure in heart and dee-d.

PS Re never put 2 and 2 together until someone (ahem) told her about the whole Patti thing. Why do you think Re shaded Patti so famously at the White House that time.

Heee heee heeeeeee cough cough hack choke HAAAAA!

Those shoes are about to walk down the street on their own.....