I Survived Retail

The patron saint of all salesbottoms

And no this is not the people who you-know-what in stores thread

(Though one of my friends who managed a JCP had to cope with a case of that in the men's dressing room.)

Too long ago to remember much, but here goes. I worked at a Barnes and Noble pretty soon after their big expansion into the suburbs. I guess the most memorable things were bodily fluids, like shit smeared on the men's room wall; I had to clean that up as the MOD was female. A guy masturbated in a comfy chair; I was in the store for that one, but didn't see it only heard about it.

The best stories were about customers and their hang-ups. They used to complain that we displayed the Kama Sutra section near the Children's section. My all-time favorite was the lady who asked if we had any kids' books about the Easter story "without the death".

Oh yeah, there was a lot of theft. Shoplifting, but also between the employees.

R4 I could have almost typed your post word for word. SO MANY B&N memories.

Lots of gross stuff when I worked at a B&N (and I worked at a few). Customers pissing and/or shitting places they were not supposed to - on the floor, in the urinals, on the puffy chairs.

Parents dropping their kids off for storytime and disappearing for hours on end (yes, we had to call CYS/CPS a few times).

My boss from hell, who was like a mix of Kris Jenner and Miranda Priestly, always dressed like she was on her way to a fucking funeral, reeking of cigarettes. She would never ask a direct question, but would instead ask you to "tell me about" something until she found a weakness and would pounce. I hated that bitch. So did the other managers.

I remember one Christmas when a small Asian woman in a full length coat came in to pick up a book that she'd ordered.....in September. Which we had LONG reshelved and sold. She crawled up on the cashwrap, all five feet tall of her, and commenced yelling at us in whatever language for ten minutes. It was a SPECTACLE. At the end we were all laughing. (I was thankful she did not have any sort of bodily functions while up there).

The only good part was meeting a few hot guys here and there. We had a soap actor visiting once and I ended up with his hotel room number (and his dick in my ass, much later on). I walked in once on a very handsome British daddy in the men's room once stroking a nice cock, and had to help him out, of course. A refreshing change from the usual homeless people who would take up camp in there. Saw/met a few other semi-famous folks. (Missed Boy George by the tiniest margins - was away for a few weeks.)

Oh, and I forgot this.

In pre-social media days, it was either this or "Well, it was on the Today Show...."

LOL thanks for the memories. We had the book color customers, and the parents who used us as babysitters. Oh yeah, the homeless problem too, as we were near a shelter. Wish I could remember those stories, they were funny. No hot guys, but a few forgotten celebrities, really just talking heads or politicians (near DC). Oh, except for Zina Garrison the tennis player.

I can't imagine the nightmare it would be to work in a department store

One Christmas, I was working at Macy's part time. During a rush at the checkstand, I could hear an infant wailing in distress. The customer onslaught kept coming, and the infant kept wailing. Finally the customers cleared out, and the infant was still wailing. I walked out the to main aisle and found a couple arguing with each other, with the infant in a stroller between them, wailing. Other customers walked around the obstacle the couple had created, glaring at them.

I never really wanted to hurt customers. I just wanted to speak honestly to them. I wanted to ask that couple what was wrong with them that they could ignore their child's distress for several minutes, meanwhile subjecting everyone in the vicinity to the stress of nonstop wailing. So many jackasses, so much tension.

It wasn't all bad. A lot of customers were fun to work with. I enjoyed providing the kind of service I'd like to receive, earning a decent commission while I did it. And knowing that I could quit at any time and live off the salary from my full-time job made it easier to survive the stress. I was just trying to put a dent in my student loans.

I worked my way through college at Tower Records - Sweet gig.

Two things happened during this time to tell me my time in Retail was finished: a man with a mouthful of half-chewed peanuts sneezed on me. (He actually attempted to brush away the resulting peanut schrapnel off me, while saying, "Excuse me"); then another time while waiting on a customer, the customer asked me, "Am I giving you a hard time, or something. Something's wrong with you."

Because of my experience in Retail Hell, I am a Misanthrope, without apology.

I worked at Wal-Mart. Guys would masterbate in the bath rugs and fabrics department. A guy was beating up his girlfriend. He hit her head on a column and management just said "Take it outside."

I used to love watching customers argue with each other over who's next in line at the service desk after Christmas.

Wal-mart always seemed to be a pit for weird flashers and jackers.